Give Me a Sign
by SheeWolf85
Summary: A shattered girl with no hope meets a guy who doesn't know what to do with himself now that he has his own life back. Together they build a friendship that starts to heal the pain of loss. AU/AH, J/N. M for language, violence, and eventual sexual content. Complete.
1. Prologue

A/N: Hello! *waves* So, I'm really kind of nervous right now. This story is one I have had in the works for over two years. It is very near and dear to my heart, and I'm excited but terrified to finally be posting. I hope you will give it a chance and let me know what you think.

A better summary: Nessie Masen is a 19 year old girl with photosensitivity living off the inheritance left from her father's death two years prior. His death shattered her life, and she has been unable to cope. When money runs out, and she faces losing the house, she makes the hard decision to start living again. Jacob Black is 25 and bipolar. He has spent the last six years of his life caring for his sick father. He works construction and took on a second job to pay the bills. After Billy dies, he doesn't know what to do with his life. The two meet at Debt to Wealth, the company where Nessie is hired just as Jake puts in his two weeks' notice, and they begin to build a friendship.

This story will go back and forth between Jacob's and Nessie's POVs, and some scenes will be repeated, especially in the beginning. I know some people are irritated by that, so be warned. If you are interested at all in seeing the banner for the story, the link is on my profile.

The song Give Me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin is almost a perfect fit to this story. If you don't know the song, I highly recommend you check it out. It is wonderful.

I do not own anything; it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Prologue

_Take this life  
Empty inside  
I'm already dead  
I'll rise to fall again_

- Give Me a Sign – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

_"You did this, you know?"_

I turned to look at the girl, a perfect representation of me. Or rather, what I felt I should be. Her hair was darker than mine―dark rust compared to bright copper―and her skin was paler, grayer. Her eyes were white and clouded over with a milky film, but she was still me. The person I should have become; the one I didn't have the balls to become.

I shook my head like I did every single time she asked that question. It was useless because I knew she was right. I caused this, and she gave me the chance to pay for it in a way I couldn't do on my own.

_"If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive,"_ she said, her voice as dead as she was. She reached out a hand—her wrists covered in deep lacerations—and grabbed my arm. I tried uselessly to pull away, but she was stronger. She was always stronger.

"I didn't mean to," I said, begging. No matter how many times I went through this, it never got easier or less scary. She gripped my arm tighter and pulled it up to her, pulling out the old pocket knife. I screamed and tried harder to pull away as she put the blade to my wrist.

I sat up straight in my bed, still screaming. My heart was pounding and my chest felt too heavy, making it hard to breathe. I sucked in breaths, holding my wrist to my chest as I curled over myself and closed my eyes tightly. The only sounds were my heart and my strangled breathing.

I sniffled and sat up a little, opening one eye. I was in my room, the lights off and the blanket over the window blocking any light from entering. It was pitch dark, even though the clock on my headboard read ten o'clock in the morning. I sniffled again and ran my shaking hands through my hair, tugging my fingers through the tangles. I turned slowly, my stiff back and legs making it difficult to move quickly, and turned on the lamp on the small table beside my bed. My eyes squinted in the light, and I took another deep breath.

I knew it had all been a dream, but somehow I hoped it would actually happen someday. Someday, she would really come for me, and I would be freed from this. I couldn't do it on my own; I was too much of a coward. But I wasn't afraid of hell. I was already there.

After a moment, I stood up to face another day alone.

* * *

A/N: So, there you have it. Chapter one will be up next week after I post the final chapter of Love and Lust. I'd love to hear what you have to say!

I am on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	2. Until The End

A/N: Here we are on chapter one. Please note that while I have done extensive research, I do not have any experience with photosensitivity and only very little experience with bipolar disorder. I ask you to forgive any errors, and just know that I have tried to make it as realistic as I can. Not much else to say here, so we'll just get right on into it. I do not currently, nor will I ever, own any of this.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter one

Until the End

_Why give up? Why give in?  
It's not enough; it never is  
So I will go on until the end  
I've lost my way  
But I will go on until the end_

- Until the End - Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

What do you do when the world as you knew it ends without a warning? When something unexpected happens that turns your life upside down and inside out in a matter of seconds? How do you continue on with your life when nothing is the same anymore?

I was still trying to figure that out.

It had been nearly two years since the accident that killed my father. Almost two years, and I still hadn't figured how I was supposed to live. Life around me continued—the clock kept ticking, and the sun still rose and set on its schedule. My heart kept beating, and I kept breathing, but it was all meaningless to me.

I squeezed my eyes shut; I didn't want to think about him right now.

The memories came anyway, and I grabbed my pillow, crying into it as I tried to just keep breathing. My chest was closing in on itself, and I had to fight for every breath.

Deep inside, I knew that it was wrong and pathetic to still be mourning my dad. He wasn't the only person I'd ever lost. Grandpa Charlie had been my friend, too, and I didn't cry over him anymore. My dad was different, though. My dad had been my only friend for so many years, and I relied on him far more than I should have. He protected me, sheltered me, comforted me, and fixed me when I was hurt by taunts from classmates.

Now that he was gone, I was so lost.

I cried until my tears ran out, and I just lay there silently. I sniffled and made myself numb—my only real way of dealing with anything.

I don't know how long I was there before my stomach growled, bringing me back to the present. I looked up at the clock. Two-thirty…. Shit.

I slowly got out of bed and dug out my best 'responsible adult' clothes. They were a little big on me since I'd lost some weight, but they looked okay. I still had some curves, so I figured I was doing alright. I looked at myself in the mirror and scowled. My skin was pale—much paler than any other person in Phoenix. I'd been called a ghost and a vampire before because of it.

There was a reason I was so pale. I had inherited my mother's photosensitivity; her allergy to the sun. I suppose it could have been worse; I could spend _some_ time in the sunlight. More than a few hours, though, and my skin would break into a rash and sometimes blister. A whole day in the sun could kill me. The allergy was one of the reasons I never had any friends. Everyone at school would either laugh and make fun of me or just ignore me altogether in fear they'd get whatever I had.

The dark circles under my brown eyes resembled bruises, brought on by crying, oversleeping, and generally not giving a shit about my appearance. My hair was stringy, not as healthy as it would have been if I'd had any motivation to take care of it better. It was dark red, and some used to tell me the contrast of it against my skin made me look gothic. In truth, I looked like a drug addict. I turned away from the mirror and pulled out my ancient makeup bag, hoping I could still use some of it to look like a human being today.

When I was done, I turned back around and looked in the mirror again. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I didn't know what do with it. It never did what I wanted it to, anyway. I gave up and just pulled the brush through to work the tangles out, wincing when I hit a particularly stubborn nest.

Hair finished, I went to the living room and found my shoes. There was some deep, almost-hidden part of me that was excited about today. It had been so long since I really did anything important, and today was important.

As my dad's only living relative, I received the life insurance money once I turned eighteen- only a week after the accident. It wasn't any great amount, but it was enough to live off of for a time. That time was just about two years, and now I was running out. Two months ago, I'd started rationing what I ate so I could keep what little money I had left. The house was paid off, so thankfully I didn't have to worry about house payments. But I did have to worry about utilities, food, and the property tax on the house. The inheritance had paid it last year, but this year I'd gotten a letter sometime in January saying I owed twenty six hundred dollars. I ignored it. Now it was February, and I'd just received another letter telling me that I still hadn't paid it. I didn't have a car, so I didn't have to worry about gas.

But money did not reproduce on its own, and I was very soon to be completely out of it. I didn't particularly like the idea of living without food and electricity, so I made a very important decision and started applying for jobs in the area. I went to the library almost every other day to fill out applications online and submit my laughable resume. I had no job experience; all I had was a high school diploma.

Luckily for me, some of the companies I applied for didn't require any experience. One of them even called me for an interview. It was not something that I would enjoy doing and I knew it, but at least it would—theoretically—provide a steady income. My interview was today at three o'clock.

The building was only fifteen minutes away if I walked quickly. I took a deep breath and walked out of the house.

As I walked down the streets, I made another decision: once I had enough money, I would leave Phoenix. I would go somewhere with as little direct sunlight as I could get. Somewhere in the northwest would be good. I knew Seattle had a lot of rain.

I finally reached the building and walked in. A blast of cooled air hit my face, and it felt wonderful. The front office was quiet except for the clack of fingernails on a keyboard. A large desk sat close to the wall on my left with a sign above it that read 'Debt to Wealth' in fancy script. A woman in a dark suit sat behind the desk with a nameplate that just said 'receptionist.' Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a bun so tight it looked like she should start screaming from the pain at any second. She was typing away at the computer and ignoring everything else around her.

I looked around the room to give her time to finish whatever it was she was doing. I was a few minutes early anyway. The room was large, but not uncomfortably so. The walls were light gray with a few paintings hung sparsely, and the floor was covered in generic, dark gray carpeting. The wall behind me was made of windows, and the light poured in, making the room bright and comfortable for anyone not allergic to the sun.

I sat down by the desk in one of the chairs that were offered for just this reason. They were wooden chairs with stuffed leather cushions. The near silence of the room amplified the sound of the leather creaking beneath me. I crossed my legs and waited, looking around some more. There just wasn't enough to look at in here.

Finally, the clacking stopped and the receptionist turned to me. "Can I help you?" she asked kindly.

I stood up and walked to the desk. "Yes, I have an interview today at three with Mr. Brock."

The woman turned back to the computer and clacked again. "What's your name, hun?" she asked. I wanted to tell her that my name was not 'hun,' but I refrained. I really wanted this job. Sort of.

"Renesmee... Renesmee Masen."

"How do you spell that, hun?" She smiled politely.

I smiled back and spelled my name out for her, pausing after each letter to make sure she got it.

"Alright, have a seat again, and Mr. Brock will be with you shortly."

"Thank you." I went back to the creaky seat and waited. She started typing again, clacking away.

A few minutes later, a door on the opposite side of the receptionist opened. A man with short brown hair peeked out.

"Renesmee?" he asked, looking right at me.

I stood up. "Yes, that's me." I kept chanting to myself, _I need this job; I want this job; I _need_ this job_. I had to at least make an attempt at making a good first impression.

"Great. I'm Chris Brock," he extended his hand, and I shook it. His was almost limp. "Let's go ahead and go back, and we can start your interview."

I smiled and nodded, following him through the door.

I looked around as we walked the perimeter of the call center. The cubicles weren't really cubicles, they were much more open than I had originally pictured. The rows were set up diagonally. Each placement had their own space, but the walls didn't extend to the edge of the desks. It made me excited and nervous at the same time. I would be all but forced to socialize here; I couldn't hide in my cubicle. Then again, I would probably just be ignored.

A few people looked at me as we passed, and some of them smiled. I tried to smile back. Even the small interaction made me feel strange. Over the last two years, I hadn't really been around people. I had had very little interaction unless it was going to the store or ordering some sort of takeout. At the same time, it felt sort of good to be acknowledged by these strangers.

We walked for what felt like miles. Chris kept saying hi to people that walked by, and I chose to watch the desks that we passed. Some people had a few of their personal things at their desks with them, and for some reason that made me smile. One person had a picture of a child covered in chocolate and looking at the camera like they knew they had just been busted. Another person had a collection of Hot Wheels sports cars spread around. He held one of them in his hands as he talked casually with the person on the phone.

We finally reached Chris' office and walked inside. It was cluttered, and I tried to ignore it as I sat down on one of the chairs in front of a large mahogany desk. He sat behind the desk and turned to me.

"So tell me a little bit about yourself, Renesmee."

Half an hour later, I walked the fifteen miles back to the front desk. I felt sort of optimistic about the job. Chris said he liked me, and he would just need to submit his opinion to his boss and wait for approval to hire me. He said I should hear back within a few days to a week.

I was in a fairly good mood—for me, that is—that I actually smiled a genuine smile to the receptionist.

"Good luck, hun," she said as she clacked away at the keyboard.

"Thanks," I said, not feeling sour about the 'hun' thing. I opened the door and the outside heat hit me like a slap in the face.

I stopped at the store on my way to grab some more packages of Raman noodles. While a part of me was already starting to rejoice the end of the Raman noodles, I'd had them and canned soup so often in the last few weeks that I was sure my system would go into shock if it ever got anything else.

When I got home, I put the noodles away before digging out a can of soup. I heated it and poured it into a bowl before going to sit down on the couch. I grabbed a book off the bookshelf and read as I ate. I found my mind wandering to the things I could eat if I got this job. It paid fairly decent. I'd be able to splurge at least once a month on something that wasn't a dire necessity. I'd buy steaks and cook them using a recipe from the book my dad gave me. He had often commented on my mother's cooking, saying she had been a great cook and even made a book with all of her own recipes. He gave the book to me for my seventeenth birthday, the last birthday I celebrated before he died.

I pushed that thought away, trying to ignore the gnawing pain in my chest that accompanied thoughts of him.

I finished my soup and closed the book, taking a deep breath as I got up to put my bowl in the sink. I rinsed it out and set it down before leaning over the counter, resting my weight on my hands and letting my head fall down between my arms.

I wanted to believe that I was healing—emotionally anyway—getting better even just a little bit. Everything as I knew it ended when he died, and it had taken a while to even accept that it had happened. After nearly two years, I wanted to believe that I was starting to rebuild myself. But it was moments like these when a simple memory of him would shatter what little I had been able to rebuild that told me I was only lying to myself. I wasn't healing. I wasn't even trying, really. I only told myself that I was so I wouldn't feel so pathetic.

I raised my head back up and sniffled before going into my bedroom. It was still early but that didn't mean anything to me these days. I had slept a lot of the time away anyway, why stop now?

I stripped down to my underwear and climbed into bed. Clinging to my pillow, I let myself remember him. I sobbed as the memories washed over me in rapid succession. My dad and I going to visit Grandpa Charlie in Seattle every summer; my dad and I going camping; my dad brushing my hair; my dad singing me to sleep when I'd have a nightmare; my dad hugging me tightly as we both cried when Grandpa Charlie died. The very last words I'd said to my dad...

_Fuck you._

I must have finally cried myself to sleep, because when I opened my eyes, it was one o'clock AM. I sighed and got up to turn off the light, running back through the darkened room to my bed. I leaped onto it and pulled my covers up to my chin as I closed my eyes. By now I was somewhat of an expert at going to sleep on demand.

* * *

The first day after the interview, I stayed inside and awake all day hoping for a phone call. I tried not to be too discouraged when I didn't get one. After that, I resumed my routine of walking to the library to surf the Internet for the allotted half hour and look for any books I hadn't read that looked remotely interesting. I'd bring back the books I'd checked out and take others home with me in my old backpack from school.

A week and two days passed with no call. I was considering calling them back or just giving up hope, but I couldn't decide which one I wanted to do. I was walking back home from the library when I decided that I would call them if I still had the courage to do it when I got to my phone.

The phone was ringing when I opened the door. I didn't rush as I closed the door and set my backpack down. I went to the kitchen and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I said, expecting a telemarketer.

"Yes, may I please speak with..." they paused, probably trying to figure out how to pronounce my name. "...Ren..." he paused and it sounded like there was someone talking behind him. "Renesmee," he finally said, actually pronouncing it right.

"May I ask who's calling?" I said, feigning interest.

"Yes, this is Frank from Debt to Wealth. She had an interview with us last Monday, a week or so ago."

My interest was piqued. "Yes, I remember; this is her."

"Good. Chris gave your resume to me and had a lot to say about you. Could you come in for a second interview?"

_Seriously?_ "Sure," I said, feeling a little better. I listened as he rattled off different times that were available and asked me to choose one that was best for me. Friday at two o'clock. I could do that.

We hung up, and I found myself starting to panic a little bit. I was somewhat excited about having a second interview, but suddenly I was terrified. I was almost twenty years old and I'd never worked before. I hadn't even been around people very much for two years. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Today was Wednesday, so I had the rest of today and tomorrow to prepare myself.

I kept to my routine until Friday. I walked to the library and back the next day. The days seemed to be getting hotter already, and I hated it. Thankfully, everywhere I needed to go was within walking distance and didn't take more than a half an hour to get there.

Friday at one o'clock, I was ready to go. At one thirty, I left for my second interview. With any luck other than my own, I'd leave with a time to come back Monday to start training.

I walked into the front office to see the same receptionist sitting at the desk. Instead of the painfully tight bun, though, her hair was loose and hung just past her shoulders. She lifted her head and smiled at me when I came in.

"Good afternoon," she said pleasantly. "Can I help you?"

"Um, I'm here for another interview. Renesmee Masen."

She smiled again and turned to type something into the computer. I noticed that her fingers didn't clack the way they had before. She must have clipped her nails. "Alright, he'll be out in just a second," she said after a moment.

I thanked her and sat down in the squeaky leather chair. The office seemed eerily quiet now that her fingers didn't clack. The sound of the keyboard still resonated throughout the room, but it was much quieter now than I remembered it. I took a deep breath and looked at the scarce paintings on the wall. There were two, both of them Monet from what I could tell.

The door finally opened and Chris stepped out. I stood up and followed him wordlessly. We hiked the seemingly unending journey to his office, and I wondered for the third time why in the hell anyone would want their office so damn far from the door. When we finally reached the office, I didn't even get a chance to sit down before Chris pulled a cord from his desk drawer and turned to me.

"Alright, Renesmee. We've decided that we do want to hire you, so instead of the traditional second interview today, we're going to have you listen to some calls. You can see for yourself exactly what we expect from you as a sales rep, okay?"

"Great," I replied. I was suddenly nervous. What if this turned me off and I just couldn't work here? I pushed that thought away and followed him out to the call floor. We went down a row fairly close to his office, and he tapped a young woman on the shoulder. Her nameplate said Vikki Swanson.

"Vikki, I was wondering if Renesmee could sit with you and listen to a few calls. She'll be our new hire."

The Vikki lady smiled again and nodded. "Sure thing." She took the cord from him and started setting it up. Chris pulled an empty chair over for me and I sat down.

"I'll come get you in about a half an hour, okay?" he said.

I just nodded and turned to Vikki. She got the cords set up and looked up at me.

"I'm Vikki," she said brightly, holding out her hand. I shook it and smiled at her. "It's nice to meet you... I didn't catch your name."

"It's Renesmee." I smiled and wondered if she might end up being my friend. She was a tiny little thing with wild black hair and frosty blue eyes.

"Okay Renesmee. Well, I've got the wy-jack set up, so let's start taking some calls!" She turned back to the computer and clicked on a few things. Nothing happened, and she leaned back in her seat and turned back to me. "So how did you hear about the company?"

"I heard about it online; I was submitting applications to different companies in the area and they were one of them." I shrugged. It wasn't some life-altering thing that made me chant their name in my sleep; it was just an application.

"Oh... Nice." She turned back to the computer and pulled up a game of Solitaire. I figured they must be slow today. I looked around the aisle. Two guys were talking to each other across the aisle about some girl they both thought was hot. Apparently her boobs were big, too. There was another girl at the end of the aisle, and she was actually on a phone call. There were a few empty seats, including one right next to Vikki. I noticed that the computer at the empty seat was on, but the person had been away for a while and the screen was black. I looked up at the nameplate and read 'Jacob Black.'

I turned back to Vikki to see that she had almost won her game. I felt like standing up and singing 'hallelujah' when the phone finally rang. Vikki spoke quickly, getting through introduction and asking for the caller's name. She followed a script that came up on her computer, only straying when the person asked a question. She would pull up various boxes and read the answer almost verbatim. I could _so_ do that.

Halfway through the call, the person named Jacob returned to his desk. I took a peek at him and if I hadn't been sitting down already, I might have fallen down. To say he was not what I expected was a bit of an understatement. Call center guys were supposed to be generic, somewhat-nerdy guys who couldn't get a date if their life depended on it. Like the two other guys on this aisle. They were call center guys. Probably taller than me (not hard to do; I was only five foot three), but not much stronger. I could probably open a jar of pickles before they could.

Jacob was not this guy. I hadn't been secluded long enough to forget my natural reaction to hot guys, and Jacob was hot. He had dark hair cut short, his skin was dark tan, and from what I saw of his eyes, they were dark as well. He looked like he would be strong, too. Even through his tee shirt, I could tell that he had some muscles. He probably had the type of six-pack that made girls like me start drooling unconsciously. I licked my lips to be safe.

He looked over at me and smiled before putting on his headset and turning back to the computer. His smile was broad and friendly and somehow eased some of the tension in my gut.

Well, dammit! Why couldn't I have sat with him?

Vikki finally ended the call and smiled at me. I smiled back, although my attention was on Jacob as he leaned back and stretched his legs.

"Hey, Jake," Vikki said. I wanted to smack her. "How was your lunch?"

He smiled that comforting smile and sat up. "Not bad. Who's this?" he said, looking at me. I think I blushed. What the hell was wrong with me? I never blush.

"This is Renesmee. She's a new hire and is sitting with me for a few calls. Renesmee, this is Jake."

Jacob chuckled. "Having any luck with that?" he asked sarcastically.

"I've had one. I probably won't get another one before Chris comes back, though."

I sat back and watched their exchange. It shouldn't have bothered me that she could talk so easily with him. After all, they sat right next to each other every day. How could they not start talking? But I still felt a twinge in my gut of something I couldn't identify as I watched him smiling at her. Whatever it was, it hurt and I didn't like it.

"How do you like it so far?" he asked. It took me a minute to realize that he was talking to me.

"Um, it's okay I guess." I shrugged. He nodded and turned when his phone rang. Damn phone.

Chris came back and Vikki unhooked the wy-jack. I thanked Vikki for letting me sit with her and took one more look at Jacob before walking away.

"So what did you think?" Chris asked.

"It was great," I said with more enthusiasm than I felt. "I could handle that." We went back to his office and we set up a time on Monday for me to start my training. I was nervous and excited in a way that made me feel like I could throw up. I wondered briefly what I was getting myself into. Whatever it was, it didn't really matter because I needed the money.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading! Let me know what you thought.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85.


	3. Waiting

A/N: Now introducing Jacob. Again, not much to say. As of now, the plan is to update this story every Saturday and Wednesday. I'm not Stephenie Meyer, and I don't own this. Y'know, in case you were wondering. Enjoy :)

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter two

Waiting

_Void I can't fill.  
The doctor tells me to relax and stand still  
Prescribes me a new pill to quell my anger.  
Wish I could make her pull herself up off the floor__.  
__Waiting for this life to change seems like it's taking me forever  
and I can't hold on. This light is breaking into the day_

- Waiting - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

* * *

_**Jacob**_

This was it. I was quitting today. I didn't need the job anymore, so why keep it?

I shook my head and corrected myself. I was putting in my notice today. I still had to endure two more weeks of this crap.

I grumbled to myself as I put my stuff at my desk and pulled out my medication. I had what the doctor's called Bipolar Type I with tendencies of aggression. Speaking English, it took very little to piss me off. I hadn't been doing so well with remembering to take my meds, and I chalked it up to stress.

My dad had been sick with diabetes for the last six years. Just a year ago, he got so sick that he needed the kind of constant care I couldn't give him, and I had him moved into a care center. It took almost every dime he had to get into that place and on the right insurance, but it was worth it to have him taken care of. I worked construction during the week and would spend whatever spare time I had with him, making sure the place was taking care of him the way I would have. It wasn't perfect, but it sure as hell could have been a lot worse.

And then it got worse. MedicAid dropped my dad because I was paying the bills, and I made too much money. I tried to fight it, but they'd made up their minds. It was either focus my attention on fixing the problem, or fight with them and have my dad kicked out of the care center for nonpayment. I chose to find a way to make it work. I got another job and used my pay from the construction work to cover his bills.

I had very little time to spend with him, but I did what I could. It never seemed to be enough to make me happy. I wasn't trying to be picky; I just wanted my dad to be comfortable in what little time he had left. I hated to think that he wouldn't be around much longer. At that point, the doctor had given him four months to live. He only lasted two.

And here I am, two months after my dad's passing, and I'm still working two jobs. The bills have been paid off, he'd had a funeral he would have been happy with, and I was free to do what I wanted with my life. There was just one problem: I had no idea what that was. I'd taken care of him for so long, I didn't know what to do with myself now that he was gone.

I sighed, bringing myself back to the present and took the medication. I took a deep breath and reminded myself again that this was it. Nothing was going to stop me. I walked down the hallway to Chris' office, my boss. I knocked on the door jamb and waited for him to get off the phone. He hung up and turned to me.

"Jake; how's it going?" he asked, gesturing for me to come in. I went in and closed the door before sitting down across from him.

"It's going alright I guess." I shrugged, not really able to say how it was going. It wouldn't be work-appropriate.

He nodded. He knew about my dad, and I honestly think he was afraid of pushing the topic. Afraid of _me_ was more like it. I was lucky I kept this job after I blew up on him a month before my dad died. He'd said he understood, but every time I talked to him after that he always seemed slightly apprehensive.

"What can I do for you?" he asked, fidgeting with a pen he had on his desk.

I pulled out the piece of paper showing my official notice. "I'm giving my two weeks," I said, sliding the paper over the desk to him. He picked up the paper and frowned.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Jake. You've been a great employee," he looked over the paper for a moment before looking back up at me. "What can I do to ask you to stay?"

I smirked. "Sorry, I've made up my mind."

He sighed. "Alright. Well, I'll have this filed for you." He held out his hand and I shook it briefly.

"Thanks."

I went back to my desk and sat down. Vikki was at her spot beside me filing her nails, and she smiled at me.

"Hey, Jake. How are you?" She always seemed too sweet, like she was overcompensating for something. She was nice and all, but the pity in her eyes was unmistakable. I didn't like pity.

I shrugged as I turned on the computer. Only two more weeks of this… "Not terrible. How are you?"

She blew on her nails before filing some more. "Pretty good. My boyfriend and I are going out to see that new movie tonight and I'm so excited. Have you heard about it? It's called 'Love Spell' and it's about this girl who buys a potion to make her friend love her when he was going to propose to his other girlfriend, but then it backfires and makes the girlfriend go all psychotic. It looks so good."

I wasn't even sure if she'd taken a breath during that. I smiled and turned to the computer. "I haven't heard of it. You'll have to tell me if it's any good." I humored her because I knew her intentions were good, and her talking was enough to get my mind off of my life for a while. I got everything set up and settled in to start taking calls.

It was a slow day. I only had five calls before lunch. I went on my lunch and pulled out my phone to text my friend Leah. I'd met Leah three years ago on the construction site, and we became great friends almost immediately. We even tried dating for a while, but we weren't happy together. She really was a good friend, but if we tried to push it further than that, we'd end up fighting more often than not. After we broke up, she met Sam and decided she was in love. Sam was way too damn serious, like he was born with a stick up his ass. He treated her well, though, so I couldn't really complain.

I spent my lunch talking to Leah over text. There was some new foreman on the site, and she hated him already. Change did not suit Leah very well, and she usually threw a few tantrums before she realized it was what it was and she didn't have any say over it.

I sighed when I realized my lunch was over. I grumbled to myself again as I went back to my desk. Before I even made it to my chair, I noticed someone else sitting with Vikki. Vikki was on a call, so she was pulled in close to the computer while the new girl was watching the screen with her. She was pretty with long auburn hair, and her skin was so pale that I wasn't even sure she was from around here. One would think that, living in Phoenix, she'd at least have some color in her skin. It was pretty anyway, and the dark color of her hair contrasted well with it. She looked over at me and met my eyes, hers dark brown and beautiful. I smiled at her, but she didn't smile back. The look in her eyes confused me. She looked sad.

I turned to the computer to get my bearings straight and clock back in from lunch. I tried to appear like I wasn't watching the new girl out of the corner of my eye as I leaned back and pretended to stretch. Vikki finished her call and smiled at me.

"Hey, Jake, how was your lunch?" she asked.

I sat up, turning to her. My eyes strayed to the other girl's hair. "Not bad. Who's this?" I asked. The new girl blushed. It was cute.

"This is Renesmee. She's a new hire and is sitting with me for a few calls." She turned back to the girl and told her my name. I was going to have to ask the girl what her name was again, because honestly I had no idea what Vikki said.

I chuckled, trying to convince myself that it was normal to be unable to look away from her like this. "Having any luck with that?" I asked.

"I've had one. I probably won't get another one before Chris comes back, though."

I nodded and watched the new girl lean back in her seat. She didn't look very comfortable and her eyebrows were furrowed just enough to be noticeable. I tried to keep my eyes on Vikki and pay attention to what she was saying, but I could only see the other girl. I wanted to ask her what her name was again and ask her why she was so sad. Vikki finally stopped talking and smiled at me. I smiled back apologetically; she knew I wasn't paying attention to her.

"How do you like it so far?" I asked the new girl. She was startled as she looked up and met my eyes.

"Um, It's okay I guess," she said, shrugging. Even her voice was sad.

Just then the phone rang and I wanted to ignore it. I was quitting, after all… I turned away and answered it anyway, keeping my frustration to myself when Chris came back and took the girl away. I hoped she got the job and that I could talk to her a little in the next two weeks.

* * *

Saturday was my day off of everything―my day to do whatever I wanted. I usually spent my time fixing anything that needed to be fixed on the house or my car, but nothing needed fixing today. Everything was in perfect condition. Leah was working so I couldn't bug her. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I played around on the Internet for a while, looking up useless information and generally wasting time. When I got tired of that, I went for a walk. Throughout the whole day, I found myself thinking of the new girl at the call center. It bugged me more than I thought it should that I didn't know her name.

Nights were the worst for me. No matter how much medication I took, I still missed my dad. I missed the nights we would stay up until four o'clock playing cards and talking about nothing important. We'd leave talk of funeral plans and inheritance alone for the daytime hours when it would actually do some good. I missed the times when he would open up to me and talk about his fear of dying, even though I hated it so much at the time. He wondered if he'd be with my mother, who died when I was little. I realized now that it was those times when I was closest to him. He had eventually gotten over the fear and accepted what was going to happen.

Sunday was back to work on the site. I was early, as usual, and got ready to work. Leah had today off, so we texted on and off throughout the day. She was concerned for me, and unlike some of my other friends, she didn't try to hide it. She was always upfront about everything. Some people called her a bitch—she could be when she wanted to be—but she also had a heart. She just knew how she liked things, and she'd be loud if she didn't get them that way. I tried to reassure her that I would be okay, but she saw right through me.

Monday morning I met Leah at the site. She was usually early like me, but her reasons were different. She liked the work and wanted to show all the big tough guys that a woman could handle the construction as good as, if not better than, any man. She pulled her black hair back in the pony tail she always wore, and we got to work.

She teased me about being a sales person again, but I ignored her. Throughout the day, I worked hard and laughed with my friends, though my mind was not completely with it. Every few minutes I would wonder if the girl got the job, and if she was in her training class yet.

"You're distracted. What's up?" Leah asked as we were getting ready to pack up our stuff and go.

I just rolled my eyes. She knew me too damn well. I couldn't really complain; I knew her just as well.

"Is it that guy from MedicAid?" she asked, probably going down her mental checklist of 'things that could be wrong with Jacob.' MedicAid wanted some kind of payment now that my dad was dead, even though I hadn't heard from them for over a month.

I sighed. She wouldn't give up, and she'd know if I lied. Damn woman.

"No, he's left me alone for a few days." I turned around and leaned against the scaffolding. "It's too damn hot."

"Right, you're complaining about the heat. I'm sure. Is it a girl?" She narrowed her eyes, watching me closely. I must have shown some sort of reaction, because she gasped. "It _is_ a girl! What's her name?"

I rolled my eyes again. "I don't even know her, Leah. I met her for only a few minutes on Friday. She's a new hire at Debt to Wealth."

"Ahh, so you're hankerin' to get back there and check her out some more?" She mimicked my pose, leaning against the scaffolding and looking up at me with teasing eyes.

"Leah…"

"Is she pretty?"

I grumbled. "Yes, she's pretty."

"Name?"

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "Do you have to do this now?"

"Yes. Name?"

"I don't know," I growled.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know. What the hell else could I mean?"

"Why are you getting all huffy over me asking about her?"

"You tell me." I was being childish, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I knew she'd forgive me anyway.

"Because you like her. Like _really_ like her. More than you like me." She mock pouted.

"Whatever; I just met her on Friday, how can I really like her?"

"Well, haven't you ever heard of 'love at first sight?'" she asked, batting her eyes a little.

"Sure, sure." I checked my watch and gathered up my tools. She helped and we took everything back to the supply office and left.

"You need a ride?" I asked.

"Nah. Sam's gonna be here in a few to get me. Thanks, though." She hugged me quickly and I squeezed her back. "When you see her tomorrow, pay attention."

"Yeah, I'll do that _if_ I see her tomorrow." I saw Sam coming up the street, so I waved one last time and got into my car.

I found that I was actually eager to get to the call center on Tuesday. There was only one reason I was eager, and I wasn't sure if I liked it. I walked in and went to my computer, setting everything up and not admitting to myself that I was already looking for her. Vikki smiled at me, and I nodded my head. I took my meds and got the computer ready to work. It was a little busier today, and soon I had enough to hold my attention.

On my lunch, I thought about walking around to see if I could find her, but I decided not to. What would I say if I saw her? _Hey, I'm Jacob. Remember me? I haven't thought of much other than you the last few days._ Yeah, that'll get her talking.

I walked into the break room, and I'm pretty sure I heard the universe laughing when I saw her sitting at one of the tables, her head down on her arms. I looked around to find something I could be doing other than watching her like a creepy old man. There was an ice machine behind her, so I grabbed a cup and walked past her to fill it with ice. I rolled my eyes. I could be smooth, couldn't I? No, I couldn't. I was an idiot, and I knew it.

She jumped when she heard the ice machine and turned to look at me. Her eyes were wet, and I felt a pang in my chest as I looked at her. What could be so bad that she spent her lunch crying?

I gestured to the seat beside her. "Do you mind if I sit with you?" I asked.

She just looked at me for a few seconds like she didn't understand what I had just said. Finally, she answered, "Sure, go ahead."

I sat down next to her and tried to act somewhat normal. How would I have normally acted around a pretty girl? I would have flirted with her, no doubt. But somehow flirting with the girl didn't seem right. I didn't want to give her the wrong impression. I didn't even know what kind of impression I wanted to give her. It was confusing as hell.

"I'm Jake," I said, praying to God that I could finally get her name.

She nodded her head. "Renesmee." Her voice was weak.

What an odd name. "I'm sorry, what was your name again?" I leaned forward, hoping to finally catch it.

She sighed a little, but it sounded weary rather than annoyed. "It's Renesmee. Confusing, I know. You can call me Nessie, if you want."

I nodded, thankful for the nickname. "Alright, Nessie."

We sat there quietly for a minute as I tried to think of something to say.

"You okay?" I asked before I could stop myself.

She wiped her eyes hastily and sniffled. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just a crappy day, I guess." She shrugged, like she was really trying to believe that was why she was crying. She looked at me again and our eyes locked. There was something very deep running through her. She wasn't just sad, she looked really hopeless. I didn't ask about it, knowing she probably wouldn't want to talk about it at work.

"I'm sorry," I said. It didn't seem like enough.

It was quiet again for a few minutes. She sniffled every now and then, and a phone rang somewhere out on the floor.

"How do you like training so far? Aside from the crappy day."

She shrugged again. "It's alright."

I nodded. Why was I having a hard time getting this girl to talk? I don't want to sound all high and mighty, but girls usually wanted to talk to me. There had even been a few that I couldn't get to shut up. It never really bothered me, but the way this girl all but refused to talk to me was somehow unsettling. It wasn't so much that I wanted to know what was wrong with her, even if I did. It was more that I wanted to get to know her, to be her friend.

"So are you on your lunch?" I asked pathetically, looking into the cup of ice. Ice? What was I thinking?

She sighed. She must have thought I was pretty pathetic too.

"Yeah," she said, laying her forehead back down on her arms.

I had to think of something fast. I didn't want her thinking that I was really this boring.

"Tired?" Man, I was brilliant today.

She nodded without lifting her head. I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms, looking up at the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn her head and look at me. She was silent for a while, just looking in my direction.

"You?" she asked in a quiet voice.

I lifted my head to look at her. "Yeah kinda. Too much shit going on, you know?"

She just nodded. There was another minute of silence before one of the trainers poked her head in.

"Renesmee, your lunch was over like ten minutes ago. Come on."

Nessie narrowed her eyes at the girl before standing up. She didn't say anything, but she offered me a half-wave before exiting the room.

I sighed and looked at my watch. My lunch was just about over, so I got up and threw the cup in the trash before going back out to the computer.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading. Now click that review button and let me know your thoughts.

On a side note, I have been nominated as a Rising Starlet on The Twinklings Walk of Fame awards! Voting is currently open until January 31st. If you think I am a promising Twi-author, you can vote for me h t t p :/ twinklingswfa (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) h t m l The link is also on my profile.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	4. Infected

A/N: Thank you to my readers for giving this story a chance. I know it's kind of slow-going in the beginning, but this is not a short story like my others. I already have twenty-three chapters written, and I'm not done yet.

I own nothing.

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter three

Infected

_I'm infected by your genetics  
And I don't think that I can be fixed  
No, I don't think that I can be fixed  
Tell me why, oh why are my genetics such a bitch?_

-Infected – Shilo, 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' soundtrack

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

My first day of training… My first day of life in two years. I was scared out of my mind on Monday as I brushed my hair, only glancing in the mirror long enough to make sure it looked decent. I really didn't care. As long as I didn't look like I'd just woken up, I was fine. I put the brush down and went back to my room, my hands still shaking from the dreams of forced suicide I'd had the night before. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes, trying to push away all of the feeling and just be numb for a while.

I walked down to the building and found the training room fairly easily. I took a spot at the back of the room like I'd done in school and looked down at the desk, ignoring other people as they came in and took their seats. I did finally look up when the trainer came in and started speaking to the class.

I decided I hated her when she had us stand up and introduce ourselves. We weren't in high school; we were at work. I listened half-heartedly as she started, introducing herself as Amanda and telling us that she loved horses. Useless crap we didn't need to know. The others in the room stood up, each giving more useless information that nobody wanted to know. When it was my turn, I took a deep breath and decided it would be least painful to just get it over with. I stood up, but looked down at the carpet as I spoke loud enough that I wouldn't have to repeat myself.

"My name's Renesmee and this is my first job." I kept it short and sat back down as quickly as I could.

I heard someone snicker and say something about not seeing the sun much. I mentally stuck my tongue out at them and sighed. I was back in high school.

My attitude didn't improve much throughout the day. When lunch came, I went into the lunch room and found my cup of Raman noodles in the garbage, my name still written on the package. I sighed, figuring it was just my luck that my lunch would be stolen, and went back to the training room to wait out the rest of the break. A few people were back in the room with some kind of takeout, and my stomach rumbled when I smelled it. I groaned internally and just went back to my seat. They were talking amongst themselves about some trip to an amusement park. I looked up briefly, and the girl in the middle with bleached blonde hair saw me.

"Do you want to come? It will be fun." She had one of those smiles that reminded me of a deranged housewife.

"Thanks, but I can't," I said, looking down again.

"Oh, come on. It'll be a lot of fun. You have to come." She was the kind of peppy that made me think of cheerleaders high on speed. I hadn't even talked to her for two minutes, and I was already contemplating smacking her across the face. I took a deep breath.

"I can't go. I can't be in the sunlight for a long time." I shrugged, looking back up at her.

"Whatever, that's a lame excuse," she looked me over. "You're way too white anyway; you need sun."

Anger and hurt bubbled in my chest, but I made an attempt to squish it. "Really, it's the truth. I have an allergy to the sun, and―"

She interrupted me. "Nobody's allergic to the sun." She laughed and looked back at the people behind her, mumbling something. The people laughed and I heard the words 'vampire' and 'freak'.

I reacted without thinking. "Fuck you, bitch." She turned back to me, her eyes wide. "You want to see my skin turn red and blister? Because that's what will happen if I go."

She and her groupies just stared at me. I didn't wait for a response. I got up and walked out of the room, going back to the break room to wait for the lunch break to be over. I couldn't believe how badly I'd already fucked up. Any chance of having friends here had just been destroyed. Yay me.

When training was over, I went back home and heated up Raman noodles for dinner. I went to bed early, exhausted from a day of dealing with people.

Tuesday was different; worse and better at the same time. Very few paid any attention to me, but I heard a whisper or two involving freaks and skin diseases. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was impossible to push it all the way away. Those that did acknowledge me either made it fast and obvious that they didn't want to, or were so sickeningly over-sweet that I wanted to punch them.

At lunch, I realized that I had been stupid enough to leave my cup of soup in the break room cupboard. It was in the trash again. I didn't bother going back into the training room. I sat down at the table I had used the day before and tried not to cry. I wondered why I was even doing this to myself. I could go jobless, lose the house and any money I have, be homeless and die after a few days in the sun. It might be painful, but didn't I deserve that?

I sighed and put my head down on my arms. I knew why I was doing this. As much as I knew I was the catalyst behind my dad's death, I had his survival instinct. I couldn't intentionally do something that I knew would kill me, and letting the house get taken would kill me, one way or another.

I heard someone come in a few minutes later. I didn't look up. I didn't really care who it was as long as they left me alone. The footsteps moved behind me, and I jumped when I heard the ice machine growl loudly. I gave in to curiosity and looked up to see who it was.

Jacob turned around smiled at me. I groaned inwardly. He would have to be here when I looked like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. He didn't run away like I'd expected him to. He gestured to an empty seat beside me.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" he asked.

I looked at him for a minute, trying to decipher his motives. In the end, I just went with it. "Sure, go ahead."

He sat down and fidgeted with his cup of ice for a minute before looking over at me.

"I'm Jake," he said.

I didn't bother to remind him that we'd met before. "Renesmee."

"I'm sorry, what was your name again?" He leaned closer.

I sighed. I had a feeling the only reason my mother's wishes regarding my name were actually honored was because she died giving birth and everyone felt bad. I wondered briefly why I didn't just tell people my name was Anne, my middle name. It wouldn't get as many weird looks and questions of clarification. "It's Renesmee. Confusing, I know." I told myself not to do it, but I did it anyway. "You can call me Nessie, if you want." It was my nickname. My grandpa had given me the name before I could remember.

He nodded. "All right, Nessie."

Everything was quiet again for a few more minutes. Jacob looked around while I tried to figure out why he was spending his break in here with me. As good-looking as he was, it was almost a given that he was popular here, especially with the ladies. He probably had several women who would give their left eye to have him smile at them. I kind of hated myself for being in that crowd.

"You okay?" He asked suddenly. I quickly swiped under my eyes and found all my efforts to keep the tears in had been in vain. I sighed.

"Yeah, I'm all right." He didn't want to know how bad my life sucked. "Just a crappy day, I guess." I looked up at him and he just stared back. I noticed for the first time that his eyes were beautiful. They were dark brown, almost black, but they were deep and full of expression. They made my chest ache deep inside.

"I'm sorry," he said, and his eyes told me he meant it. I didn't want him to be sorry for me, though, so I just shrugged. I couldn't think of any brilliant conversation starters. Truthfully, I just wanted to crawl under the table and hide.

"How do you like training so far? Aside from the crappy day."

I couldn't understand why he wanted to know, but I gave him an answer anyway. "It's all right." I shrugged again.

He nodded, and I sniffled again. I wanted to roll my eyes at my luck: sitting next to Mr. Hottie of the Year with snot running down my face.

"So are you on your lunch?" Jacob asked, looking down in to his cup of ice like he was wondering why it was melting. His eyebrows furrowed together as he looked at it, and I couldn't help but notice the crease between his eyebrows or how gorgeous he looked with it.

I sighed. Lunch… Right. I put my head back down as my stomach growled again. "Yeah."

"Tired?"

Boy, he wasn't giving up. I just nodded because I didn't really have anything to say. I was boring, and he was going to realize it sooner or later. I heard him sit back in his chair and turned my head to look at him. His arms were folded across his chest, showing off the muscles I knew he had. Some twisted part of my brain tried to convince me to reach out and squeeze his bicep. I looked away from his arm to his face. His head was leaned back as he looked up at the ceiling. He looked tired, too.

"You?" I asked.

He raised his head and looked at me for a second. "Yeah. Too much shit going on, you know?"

I had no idea what kind of shit he was talking about, but I knew what he meant. I nodded, and we were quiet again until someone came in. I looked up to see Amanda poke her head in the room.

"Renesmee, your lunch was over like ten minutes ago. Come on."

I glared at her for a second before getting up. I wasn't sure what to say to Jacob, so I just waved and left.

When I got home, I dug out a package of Raman and put the pot on to boil. I got out my notebook with notes from work and set it on the coffee table, and then went to put the noodles and seasoning in the pot. I was so sick of Raman I could puke, but what else could I do? I only had four cans of soup left, and I really didn't want to spend any money to get more. The electric bill was due next week and if I didn't pay it… well, I didn't want to go there. I also didn't want to think that my very last fifty bucks was going to them. After I paid it, I would be officially broke.

I turned the burner off and poured the soup into a bowl. It was hot, but I carried it quickly to the coffee table and set it down. I went over the notes I'd taken as I ate, trying to remember the context of each sentence. We were just going over the program right now. It seemed decent enough. I hated that I would have to sell it. Frankly, I would give anything to have a credit card right now. I might be just a little more careful than some of the people who would be calling in. I'd still go in debt, but at least I would have something good to eat.

I pushed that thought away and finished my soup.

* * *

The next morning I woke up screaming at five thirty. I could never predict when I was going to dream of the dead version of myself, and it seemed to shake me up regardless of whether I thought I was prepared or not. I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep. I got up and got ready for work, and then read for a while until it was time to leave.

I got to work almost fifteen minutes early and scowled at the training room. I did not want to sit in there, so I went to the break room. Like it was so much better.

I sat down at one of the tables and just looked around. The whole room was white. Even the damn vending machine was white. It was _almost_ creepy. It would be the perfect place to film a murder scene, I decided. The red blood would look good against the white tile on the floor and the white cupboards. Even a few spatters on the counter tops.

I shook my head to get rid of my gruesome thoughts.

A few minutes later, I saw Jacob come in with a bag. He smiled at me and put his bag in the fridge. I tried to smile back, but I'm sure it looked bad.

"Hey Nessie. How are you today?" he asked as he sat down across from me.

I shrugged, a little surprised that he still wanted to talk to me. "All right, I suppose."

"I guess it's too early to ask if you're having a better day than yesterday, huh?" He smiled, and I felt my lips pull up at the edges. His smile was contagious.

"Maybe. I hope it's better," I clasped my hands together, intertwining my fingers. "How are you?"

He shrugged. "Not bad." He looked like he was going to say something else, but someone outside the break room called his name. He smiled as he stood back up. "I'll see you later."

I hung out in the break room for a few more minutes before taking my bag and going back into the training room. People were already sitting in their seats, but nobody looked at me. I didn't care; as long as they left me alone. Fuckers.

Someone from the sales management team came in to talk to us about how to make sales, and I fought to keep my eyes open. I tried to take notes, but I had to put the pen down and stretch my hand a few times. I swear that lecture would not end. The man speaking was short, probably an inch or so shorter than me, with graying hair and a healthy gut. His voice and presentation were just about as interesting as watching static on TV.

The presentation finally ended, and it was time for questions. One girl in the front asked a question that had already been answered. I answered her in my head before the short, stocky guy answered. In my notebook, I wrote, _pay attention, idiot!_ A few legitimate questions were asked before the girl in the front decided she needed to expand on the question she'd asked. Really, she must have been dropped on her head as a kid. A few times.

Okay, so that was mean, but it was probably true. I was hungry and irritable, and I just couldn't care.

After the girl finally understood what had already been explained, Amanda took over the training and went over the materials we'd already covered yesterday. I sighed and took notes anyway.

At lunch, I took my cup of soup that I had kept in my bag and went into the break room. I was proud of myself for having the brains to keep it with me instead of being an idiot and leaving it out for whomever the hell was stealing it. I filled the cup with water and put it in the microwave, standing beside it protectively as other people came and left. When it was done, I went to my table.

Jacob came in a few minutes later and sat down next to me like he had the day before. We didn't say much today, but it still felt strange in a good way to have him there. When my lunch was over, I waved at him again and went back into the training room. I wondered if he was going to sit by me during his lunch every day, and what he could possibly want of me. Maybe he just felt bad for me. I knew there was no way he hadn't heard the rumors about me flying around.

The next day at lunch, I sat down at my table and waited for Jacob. This day, he didn't sit by me. He didn't even come in the break room. I sighed heavily, wondering if he'd finally come to his senses and decided he didn't want anything to do with me, much like everyone else here.

I was depressed by the lack of Jacob, and when I got home, I skipped dinner and went right to bed. I lay in bed for a while, trying to decide why I was so upset about Jacob not sitting by me today. In the end, I decided it was just because he was the closest thing I had to an almost-friend, and it hurt to know that even he didn't want to be around me anymore. I sighed and closed my eyes, forcing my thoughts away from Jacob.

Friday was casual day so I wore my jeans and a normal t-shirt to work. I was starting to get used to calling myself a working woman. It felt strange but nice. I learned to expect and ignore the way most people treated me. They put at least two feet of space between them and me, and one person I passed in the hall even pushed himself against the wall even though I wasn't close to him. I just wanted to scream '_get over it!_' and get on with my life. Today, I even expected Jacob to be nowhere in sight at lunch.

He surprised me, though. He came in about five minutes after I did, and he sat down at the table like he had done on Tuesday and Wednesday. I tried not to glare at him, but I wasn't going to accept his sometimes-friendship. I'd had enough of them in high school to know that they always ended up stabbing me in the back. I wasn't going to allow Jacob to do it.

"How are you?" he asked.

I just looked down into my soup as I stirred it, pretending like I wasn't happy to hear his voice. He waited a few minutes before he tried again.

"You okay, Nessie?" he asked, leaning forward on the table a little.

I raised my eyebrows to myself and took a deep breath. I nodded and peeked up at him again. I found myself speaking again before I could stop it.

"You weren't here yesterday." It sounded like a cross between a question and an accusation. I furrowed my brow again; I didn't want him to know that it upset me.

He shook his head and sat back in his chair. "No, I don't work here on Mondays or Thursdays."

And with that, I felt like a jerk. I took another deep breath and tried to smile up at him. "Oh." It was all I could really think of to say.

"Did you have a good day yesterday?" he asked.

I just shrugged. "It was okay." Now that I knew he hadn't ditched me, things seemed a little brighter. "How are you?"

He smiled. "Good."

I felt awkward for a moment as I ate my soup and he ate his sandwich. I didn't know what to say now that I knew I could talk to him, but I felt like I wanted to say something. I wanted to interact and have a friendship with him. As much as he would allow, anyway. If it was just a few words exchanged at lunch on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I would find a way to be happy with that.

"So what did you do yesterday?" I asked, hoping I wasn't intruding on his personal life.

He leaned forward and shrugged. "Not much. I have another job working construction, and I did that most of the day."

I nodded, realizing where Jacob got all of his muscles. He definitely looked more like a construction worker than an office person.

I realized then that my lunch was over. "Um, I guess I'll see you… Tuesday?" It made me sad that I wouldn't see him for three days.

He smiled the smile I liked and nodded. "I'll be here."

I couldn't help but smile back as I waved. I threw my cup away on my way out the door.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading :)

Shameless self-promotion? Okay. I've entered the Passionate About Paul contest. My entry and the link to their site are available on my profile. They're still accepting entries, so go write Paul and show him some love!


	5. Pins

A/N: Happy Monday! Well, maybe or maybe not, but you get an early update. Hopefully it will make at least one person's day better? I am changing my update schedule (for now) to every other day.

There is a little bit of violence in this chapter. I don't think it's bad; however, I feel a warning might be needed for any squeamish readers. If the prologue upset you at all, I would advise you to read carefully or just skip over the dream part.

I don't own anything.

I appreciate my readers very much, and hope you all enjoy this chapter.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter four

Pins

_Numb us up to shield the pins  
Renew our faith which way we can  
To fall in love with life again._

_Just when all seems fine and I'm pain free,  
You jab another pin in me._

- Fixxxer – Metallica

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

The weekend was proof that God hated me and wanted me to be miserable. I'd heard many people talking about how excited they were for the weekend―for their break from life. In my life, work was my break. Even if Jacob was one of the few people who didn't treat me either like a fungus or a chipped Ming vase, it got me out of the house and my mind off of my dad.

But on the weekends, there was no work. There was only me in the house with my thoughts and memories. I'd pushed so much back so I could function somewhat normally during the week, and it all seemed to resurface on Saturday.

Saturday morning, I woke up from a night of peaceful sleep. It wasn't abnormal; sometimes I'd go weeks without any dreams at all before the bad ones would creep up again. It would be either the dead version of me or the hospital where my dad was and his empty eyes. What had me confused was that I did dream. It was a good dream, though, and I wasn't accustomed to them. It was Jacob and I on my couch, talking. It felt so normal and peaceful that a part of me wanted to go back to sleep to have it again.

I didn't delude myself into thinking I was getting better just because I'd had a good dream, but I did wonder if I had somehow broken some kind of rule.

I tried to pass the time by reading, but I was already tired of the book I'd gotten from the library. I'd read every book on my bookshelf three or four times. I didn't want to go outside or walk to the library to get a different book. I knew there were more books in my dad's room, and before I could squish the thought, I found myself remembering his bookcase. He liked all kinds of books; fiction, comedy, science, and even the occasional drama. I remembered how he would sit on the chair at the end of his bed every night and read a chapter of whatever book had his attention at the time. If I went in there with him, I could lie on my stomach on his bed and he'd read it aloud to me.

My stomach cramped with the pain from the memory and tears filled my eyes. I tried taking a deep breath, but it was useless. I managed to stumble to my bed and gripped the pillow to my chest. I couldn't breathe through the sobs. I managed to gasp in a few breaths and soaked the pillow with my tears.

I cried myself to sleep again.

When I opened my eyes, I knew immediately that I was dreaming. The proof was in the way every possession my dad had ever owned was on the floor in pieces. I had, in the past, wondered if it meant anything that I was partially conscious of what was happening when I had these dreams. I still had no control over what happened, but I could think separately from myself. Did it mean anything when I could dissect the feeling from these dreams and compare them to the feeling of the good dream I'd had earlier?

In my dream, I was in the living room among the debris. I still held the baseball bat in my hands, gripping it tightly after I smashed the TV. My heart started beating faster. I knew exactly what was going to happen next.

I felt her presence behind me, but I couldn't turn around. I sniffled and dropped the bat as I stared at the shattered screen of the TV. Her bare feet crunched the broken glass on the floor as she stepped around me, slowly coming into my view. I swallowed and looked at her, meeting her milky white eyes. I shivered and waited for it.

"_What have you done?_" she asked in an eerily calm voice. It was dead, devoid of any emotion.

I raised my hands automatically, not in control of my actions here. "_I didn't mean to_."

She shook her head, ragged hair moving stiffly over her shoulders, and stepped closer to me. I told myself to take a step backward, but I couldn't. "_You killed him, and you would so easily forget him,_" she said stonily.

I didn't understand. She'd never said that before. How could I forget my own father?

She reached out and grabbed my arm with her lacerated one. I tried to pull away even though I knew it wouldn't do any good.

"_Please_," I begged, tugging harder. Panic rose in my chest, and I started crying again.

She gripped my arm tighter and pulled it up to her. _"I'll make sure you always remember."_ I screamed and tried harder to pull away as she pulled out my dad's pocket knife. She put the blade to my wrist and smiled wickedly as she pushed it in and dragged it slowly over my skin. I felt the pain as the knife broke through tendons, and I cried louder.

I was still screaming when I woke up. It took a few minutes to calm down enough to actually move. When I did, I went out to the living room and curled up on the couch to wait out the rest of the day. After a few hours, I was able to push all emotion aside and just be numb for a while. I didn't want to think about the changes to the dream or what they meant.

I survived work on Monday by reminding myself that I would see Jacob again on Tuesday. I had a friend… sort of. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to call Jacob my friend, but I knew he at least tolerated me.

I was anxious to see him on Tuesday. I paid little attention to the training and kept glancing at the clock waiting for it to be lunch time. When lunch finally rolled around, I found myself eager to get into the lunchroom. I felt a strange flutter in my chest that confused me for a second until I recognized it. Anticipation. I hadn't had anything to look forward to in years.

I realized as I dug in my bag that I'd left my soup at home. I grumbled a little, but didn't let it get me down too much. I got up and went into the break room empty handed and sat down at the table to wait for Jacob.

Five minutes later, as usual, he came in and sat down by me.

"Hey," he said softly, smiling.

I smiled, the flutter in my chest getting stronger. "Hi."

"How are you?"

I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. "I'm good."

He seemed surprised, but hid it quickly. "Good."

It was really all I expected of our conversation, so I stayed silent and let him eat. I fidgeted with my fingers, not sure what to do. The blonde-haired, deranged housewife from my training class came in the break room with a few of her groupies and got something from the fridge. She looked over at me and I heard a hushed comment about my disheveled hair. I ignored the urge to run my fingers through it and kept picking at my fingernails. I saw Jacob glance after them as they walked out, but he didn't say anything either. For a moment, I was afraid he'd leave, but he didn't. He looked at me for a second before turning back to his lunch.

Finally, I decided I needed a few more words. "How are you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm all right." He sounded upset about something, but I didn't pry. I stayed silent as I made myself be happy with being able to sit by him and wished my lunch could last longer than a half an hour.

"Did you do anything fun this weekend?" he asked.

I looked up at him, a little surprised. I shook my head after a moment. "No, not really. I just read and stayed inside." I left out the parts where I cried myself to sleep and woke up screaming. "What about you?"

"Nothing fun, no. I have no idea what I'm going to do with all my time when I quit here."

The room was suddenly way too small. I gasped a little, and he looked up at me. I swallowed and composed myself.

"You're quitting?" I asked hesitantly. He couldn't quit; he was all I had to look forward to.

He nodded. "Yeah, I don't really need the job anymore. Friday's my last day."

My throat closed, and I nearly started crying. I swallowed again and furrowed my eyebrows as I pushed my feelings down. I wouldn't cry here, especially not in front of Jacob. I cleared my throat and nodded. I wouldn't think about the fact that I would only spend two more lunches with him before I would never see him again.

"You okay?" he asked, leaning forward over the table and resting on his elbows.

I nodded and swallowed again, making sure I wasn't going to cry. "Yeah." My voice was thick.

"What's wrong?" He obviously saw right through me.

I shrugged. "It's nothing." I took a deep breath and looked up at him. His eyes were comforting, and I felt my lip tremble as I looked at him. "I'll miss you." I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. I looked back down at the table and stared at my fingers.

"I'd miss you too. There aren't many people here I could say that about." He sounded like he was trying comfort me, and I almost looked back up at him. I reminded myself that I wouldn't cry here.

"What are you doing tonight?" he asked. That time I did look up.

"Um… I don't really… Nothing."

He smiled. "Me neither. Would you want to do something? With me?"

My eyes widened, and I wasn't sure what to say for a minute. I think part of me was in shock that he wanted to see me outside of work.

"Just as friends, of course," he added hastily.

I had figured that he was just asking as a friend, and I almost snorted at the prospect of him asking me out on a date. Instead, I just nodded.

"Sure, yeah… that would be great." Suddenly the flutters in my chest tripled, and it was difficult to breathe.

He smiled widely. "Good. We could go see a movie if you want. Or we can just hang out; whatever you want."

I smiled back. "Anything is fine with me." I could hardly believe my luck; Jacob Black wanted to see _me_ outside of work. Then I remembered one very important thing. "We could be somewhere without a lot of sunlight, right?" I asked hesitantly. Neither of us had talked a lot, and I had no idea if he knew about my condition. He'd had to have heard the rumors flying around, but hearing rumors and hearing the truth was rarely the same thing.

Understanding lit his eyes, and I knew that he knew. "Yes, we can."

I was relieved that he knew and still wanted to see me. "Good."

I realized that my lunch was over, and I had to go back into the training room. I didn't want to go back in there. I wanted to stay in the break room with Jacob. He took a breath and leaned back in his chair. I stole a few more seconds to look at him before I forced myself to get up.

"My lunch is over," I explained, twisting my fingers together in front of me.

He nodded and stood up next to me. I had to look up to meet his eyes again, and I realized that I'd never noticed how tall he was. I held my fingers tightly when they wanted to reach out and touch him. Most people didn't like to touch me once they found out about my skin, and I didn't think I could bear it if he recoiled from me.

"You get off at five, right?" he asked, reaching out to touch my shoulder. I stared at my hands, concentrating on the light weight of his hand on me. I nodded and took a deep breath to calm myself down. It was just a simple touch, and I knew without a doubt it meant nothing to him.

"Do you want to meet me back here?"

I looked up at him and smiled as best as I could. "Sure." His thumb moved over my clavicle a few times before he drew his hand back. The spot was instantly cold, and I wanted him to touch me again.

"Okay. See you at five." He smiled again as we left the room. He went to his desk, and I went back to the training room. The training class had already started back up, and some of the people were staring at me as I walked back to my seat. I ignored them. I thought about Jake and what we would do after work. I was suddenly nervous; I didn't know how to be someone's friend. What if I was really bad at it? I hadn't had many friends in school, and those that I did have weren't the kind to do things with me after school.

A sudden and unwelcome memory of running home after an embarrassing day at school and slamming the door hit me hard. I sucked in a deep breath as I remembered, involuntarily, the way my dad had come in the living room to find me sobbing on the couch. He'd scooped me up and held me as I cried, knowing without needing explanation that it was trouble with the other students that had caused it.

I pushed the memory away as quickly as I could, but it was too late. My chest constricted painfully and I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop it. Instead of trying, I got up and hastily excused myself to go to the bathroom. Thankfully, it was empty. I locked the door before I ran into the large handicap stall and locked it as well. I sat down on the floor next to the toilet pulled my knees up to my chest.

I pushed my face into my knees and sobbed hard as the memories of my father washed over me. I remembered the way he would comfort me when I was hurt by bullies at school and how he would promise it would get better eventually. As hard as I tried to push the memories away, they refused to leave me. I had my arms wrapped around my knees, and I clutched at the fabric of my pants so tightly my fingers hurt.

I rocked back and forth as I cried, and eventually slumped over until I was lying down on the cool tile floor. The cold against my face was soothing, and I sniffled as I turned my head to give my skin more contact with the floor. I finally started calming down, replacing the hurt with numb. Bit by bit, I was able to breathe again. I took a deep breath and sighed, coughing a little. I just lay there for a few more minutes, my body recuperating from the outburst.

Finally, I knew it was time to get up. I stood up carefully on shaky legs and went to the faucet to wash my face. I didn't look in the mirror; I knew what I'd look like. Instead, I splashed water on my face and tried to smooth my hair down. I took a few deep, semi-calming breaths as I stared into the sink and watched the water slip down the drain. I sighed and turned off the faucet. I told myself I was ready to face my fate.

I walked back to the training room and paid strict attention to the lecture. I even took extra notes to keep my thoughts from wandering again.

At five o'clock, I got my things together and thought about just going home, but the idea of seeing Jacob again today was too appealing to pass up. I went into the break room like we'd agreed on and waited for him. I stared at the table intently, memorizing and re-memorizing the lines of the fake wood. I burned the lines into my brain; I needed to concentrate on being numb and not remembering. I didn't want to fall apart again today.

Five minutes later, Jacob came in the room and got a few things out of the fridge. There was something a little different about him, but I couldn't tell what it was. He seemed off somehow. Hs back and shoulders were stiff and every movement he made seemed hurried and angry. It wasn't enough to scare me, but enough to notice he wasn't quite the easygoing person I knew. He smiled at me, but there was something forced about it that I couldn't understand. I tried to smile back, but the numbness I'd forced on myself probably made it look horrible.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting down beside me at the table. His voice and eyes were harder, too. It was like I was staring at two people just then, one who was angry with the world and wanted to destroy, and one who was soft and friendly like the Jacob I was used to.

I nodded, but his eyes said he saw through me again. "I'll be okay."

He nodded and his brow furrowed a little. Another coworker came in the room and Jacob looked up at him. The guy was tall—compared to me, anyway—with sand-colored hair and a goatee. I recognized him as one of the guys who sat on the aisle behind Jacob; the aisle I would be sitting on the next week when I started on the phones. He looked at me for a minute, and I saw Jacob's arm flex out of the corner of my eye. My eyes automatically flickered to his hand on the table. I was little surprised to see it clenched in a tight fist. I looked up at Jacob and furrowed my eyebrows. He was glaring at the sandy-haired man with a hatred I couldn't remember seeing on anyone ever.

No words were said. The man left the room silently, and Jacob stared after him. His eyes lingered on the doorway for a moment before he looked down at the table with the same malevolent glare. I waited a few minutes, expecting him to calm down and speak to me again. I assumed there was something between them, some kind of animosity that caused Jake to act like that.

I finally reached out my hand tentatively, expecting rebuttal, and touched his fist with my fingertips. Even in the face of his anger, I found myself admiring him. His fist was clenched tightly, all the muscles in his forearm straining. I touched him lightly, but I was still morbidly impressed with how hard his hand was. He took a deep breath and his hand relaxed marginally. He opened his fist and grabbed my fingers, holding them tightly. I was surprised at how warm his hand was; it almost felt like he had a low-grade fever. I hoped he wasn't getting sick. Partly because I could allow myself to care enough if he was sick, and partly because I was selfish. I wanted to spend time with him, and I couldn't do that if he was sick.

A few people came and went, but nobody seemed to notice or care about Jacob and I at the table. After a few minutes, he finally looked up at me and took another deep breath. His eyes were much darker than usual. I still saw the two sides of him, but it seemed the angry side was gradually settling down. He moved his thumb over my hand and smiled at me. It was tight and forced, but it was a smile.

I smiled back as best as I could and squeezed his fingers. With as tight as his fingers were holding mine, I wondered if he even felt it.

It was another few seconds before either of us spoke. I wasn't sure what to say or how to get us on the subject of what was going to happen tonight. If he was sick, he should go home and rest. I hoped, selfishly again, that he wasn't sick.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. Somewhere deep inside me, a butterfly fluttered from the sound of his voice. It was low and thick and… sexy. He cleared his throat and loosened his grip on my fingers, but kept running his thumb over my knuckles. "Did I hurt your hand?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. Are you okay?"

He looked at me for a second, searching my eyes for something. Whatever he found made him sad; I could see it in the way his eyes simmered. "I'm sorry if I scared you," he said softly.

That time my smile was a little easier. "You didn't scare me. I'm okay."

He nodded and leaned forward on the table. My hand moved with his and I had to lean forward as well.

"Do you still want to do something tonight?" he asked, meeting my eyes and searching again. I wished I knew what he was looking for.

I nodded without hesitation. "I'd really like to."

My answer seemed to calm him a little more and his smile was more relaxed like it should be. "Good. Did you decide what you'd like to do?"

I sighed. "No, not really. I couldn't really think about it much with the training and stuff." I shrugged and lowered my gaze to the table. I was a little nervous about just how much he saw in my eyes.

"Are you hungry?"

My stomach growled, but not loud enough for him to hear. I smiled to myself and nodded. "Yeah, a little." I looked up to see him nodding.

"We could go to dinner." He seemed to hesitate for a second before adding, "If you'd feel comfortable with that."

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, leaning a little closer to him.

He smiled a small, one-sided smile and shrugged a little. I was happy to see his angry side disappearing—he was almost one person again. "I just don't want you to think I'm aiming for anything more than friends."

I blushed out of embarrassment, although I couldn't say why. "I'm not worried, Jake. I trust you."

He seemed satisfied after another second of searching my eyes, and he nodded. "I'm glad."

I thought of something else and looked down to make sure he couldn't see my eyes. "I should warn you, though," I said, embarrassed again. "I don't really have any money."

His thumb moved across my knuckles again. "It'll be my treat. I invited you, right?"

I looked up at him, surprised. He smiled at me, and I relaxed. "Okay."

"We should go, though." He squeezed my fingers gently before taking his hand back. I pulled back and flexed my fingers when they were under the table reaching for my bag. They were stiff from his tight hold, but I didn't want him thinking he'd hurt me. I got my things and took a deep breath before following him out of the building.

* * *

A/N: I would like to point out that, while some other stories I have written had a higher purpose for the dreams, there is nothing paranormal, psychic, or foreshadowing about Nessie's nightmares in this story. They are purely a manifestation of her guilt over what happened to her father. I don't anticipate any confusion about that; however, I wanted it to make sure that was clear. Thank you for reading :)


	6. Breath

A/N: Nothing much to say, other than the usual reminder that none of this is mine. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Five

Breath

_This will be all over soon,  
Pour the salt into the open wound.  
You take the breath right out of me.  
You've gotta fight just to make it through._

- Breath – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I'd never liked working in that damn call center. Ever since my first day, it had been a test to see how well my self-control worked. Sometimes I'd win; sometimes I'd end up threatening to kick the shit out of some poor bastard that pissed me off. After hours, of course. I was never stupid enough to make that kind of move on company time or property.

The people at the call center had their own little cliques. People in one group talked shit about the people of another group. If one didn't know any better, they'd probably assume the place ran on all the stupid bitches flapping their mouths.

Even as used to the rumors as I was, it still surprised me to hear things about Nessie. It probably shouldn't have. She was new, and she was different. The first time I'd heard a comment about her had been the first day I sat with her at lunch. It was when I was getting ready to leave for the day, and I heard some chick in Nessie's training class talking to a friend. She had told her friend that Nessie had a skin disease, and that she was highly contagious. I barely managed to walk away and not hit the bitch. Since that day, I'd heard more gossip about her. I didn't believe any of it. I mean, shit, a vampire? Really? Couldn't these people come up with something more original? They said she had to stay out of the sun or she'd burn up and turn to ash or some shit.

I swore to myself that I would watch over her in the time I had left there. I couldn't do anything about the rumors, but I could make sure no one fucked with her. I almost started kicking myself in the ass for quitting. Who the hell would stand up with her after I left?

On Tuesday, I was mad. It didn't help that I'd forgotten to take my meds that day. And the day before. I managed to keep myself in line most of the day, and even asked Nessie to do something with me after work. At first, she looked so shocked that I was almost concerned I'd offended her. I made sure she knew I was only asking as a friend, and she relaxed enough to agree. I was actually happy after that.

When she asked me if we could be out of the sunlight, I knew there was at least a little truth in the rumors. It didn't matter to me. Even if she did turn out to be some blood-sucking creep with a contagious skin condition, I couldn't care less.

After lunch, in between calls, Leon had to go and destroy my precarious peace of mind. Leon, the blond bastard from an aisle over, peeked over the wall dividing us and asked me if Nessie was a nice fuck. I wanted to push his face into the cement. I didn't want to go to prison for murder, though, so I forced myself to stay in my seat and glare at the computer. I really wished I had something to punch.

A few people had seen Nessie and me talking, and since she never seemed to speak to anyone else, a lot of those people had come to the conclusion that we were dating. Those rumors I didn't mind so much—I could ignore them and go about my business. But Leon and his question nearly pushed me over the edge.

I tried to remind myself that Nessie would be waiting for me after work. I would get to spend some time with her without so many prying eyes. It helped a little, but only barely kept me from beating the shit out of Leon.

After work, I went to the break room. Nessie was there, waiting patiently at the table she always occupied. She looked tired and frail, and there was something in her eyes that kind of scared me. She'd always had a distant look in her eyes, barely concealing the pain, but right now it seemed worse. I tried to ask her if she was okay, but she just answered with a vague, "I'll be okay." I was going to push the issue, but at that moment, Leon walked in.

I kept all of my attention on him as he walked across the room. I wasn't sure if he'd say anything or not. When he stopped and looked at Nessie like he wanted to find the answer to his question himself, it took every ounce of my concentration to keep from flying across the room and ripping him to pieces. He made a wise decision by not saying anything and just walked out of the room. I stared down at the table and thought about how good it would feel to squeeze his neck in my hands. Maybe even snap a few vertebrae.

A tickle on my hand reminded me that Nessie was still sitting next to me. I took a deep breath, surprised to find that her fingers were the source of the tickle, and forced my hand to open. I grabbed her fingers, hoping it would help calm me down a little. It did help, but slowly. I had to work to get the red out of my vision.

I finally looked up and tried to smile at her, but I had to force it a little. Her answering smile was weak as well.

"I'm sorry," I said after a few minutes. It sounded like shit, and I cleared my throat. I realized that I was squeezing her fingers tighter than I should, and I loosened my grip. "Did I hurt your hand?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine. Are you okay?"

Her eyes weren't quite as numb as they had been before, but there was something new there. They were a little wider than normal, and her whole face held a confused, frightened expression I didn't want to see. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

She smiled again, and this time it was a little more convincing. "You didn't scare me. I'm okay."

I nodded and leaned forward; she leaned with me. I was afraid to ask her the next question, but it had to be asked.

"Do you still want to do something tonight?" I looked into her eyes again. I hoped she would answer truthfully and not out of fear.

Her answer was genuine. She nodded and said, "I'd really like to."

I smiled a little, relieved that I hadn't scared her away from me yet. "Good. Did you decide what you'd like to do?"

She sighed, and some of the numbness from before took over her features again. "No, not really. I couldn't really think about it much with the training and stuff." She shrugged and wouldn't meet my eyes. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I was sure I'd get the same answer I'd gotten last time. I hoped that maybe if I worked my way up to it, she might tell me someday.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, not thinking too much about it.

She nodded. "Yeah, a little."

"We could go to dinner." I realized too late that it sounded like I was asking her out. Her reaction from earlier when I'd suggested we do something after work was sufficient to know that she wasn't ready for a date. We had barely talked in the week and a half that we'd known each other, and it wasn't hard to see that she needed some time before she would be ready for that. "If you'd feel comfortable with that," I added.

"Why wouldn't I?" she asked, leaning closer to me.

I smiled. "I just don't want you to think I'm aiming or anything more than friends," I explained, hoping she would understand.

She blushed, and it made me smile to see it. "I'm not worried, Jake. I trust you."

She looked up into my eyes, and I saw the truthfulness of her words in hers. She did trust me, and it made me feel immeasurably better to know that somehow she wasn't terrified of me. It was only more incentive to remember to take my meds and keep on top of myself. "I'm glad."

She looked down again, and her fingers in mine tensed. "I should warn you, though," she started, her voice shaking just a little. I got nervous and waited for her to finish. "I don't really have any money."

I relaxed, thankful that this was an issue I could deal with. "It'll be my treat," I said. And to make sure she knew I wasn't taking an easy way to turn it into a date, I added, "I invited you, right?"

She looked up at me and hesitated only a moment. "Okay."

"We should go though." I pulled my hand back from hers and stood up. She followed me out to my car, and I opened the door for her. She seemed to waver for a minute before she got in.

We decided on a restaurant that didn't have a lot of windows so she could be out of the sunlight. I wanted so badly to ask her what the problem was, but I didn't want to embarrass her. I would wait and see how the night went, and maybe ask her later if I thought she wouldn't be offended.

It only took a few minutes to get to the place. I might have rushed us a little when we got there; I wanted her in the building before… whatever happened when she was in the sunlight happened.

I kept my hands to myself as we waited for someone to give us a seat. The place was dimly lit and seemed like a good place to bring a date. There were candles everywhere, and it could have been very romantic. If I was letting myself think like that. But I wasn't, so I ignored the ambiance smiled at Nessie as the hostess took us to our table. I sat next to Nessie like I did at work. She buried her face in the menu for a minute, so I picked out what I wanted and waited for her.

She peeked at me from behind her menu, uncertainty written all over her face.

"You okay?" I asked. "Did you decide what you want?"

Her eyes flickered down to the menu and back up at me. "How much can I spend?" she asked carefully.

I leaned in closer to her. "Don't worry about that; just get anything you want, okay?"

She licked her lips quickly, and her eyes flashed to the menu before they were on mine again. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, very sure. She met my eyes for a few long seconds before she nodded slowly. "Okay." She smiled a very small but genuine smile and took another deep breath as she closed her menu. I smiled back and held out my hand, hoping she would take it. She reached out timidly to put her hand in mine. I curled my fingers around hers gently.

"Thank you, Jake," she said softly, smiling her sad smile again.

"Anytime."

The waiter came and took our orders, and not once did she take her hand from mine. I didn't let go either. The waiter took the menus and left. Nessie stared down at our hands, and I stared at her. I leaned a little closer to her and tightened my fingers on hers.

"How are you?" I asked. I tried to think of something to say to her that wasn't something we'd already gone through. I didn't want to have the same conversations we had at work; I wanted to get to know her.

She looked up at me and smiled a little. "I'm okay."

I sighed. Her eyes made it obvious that she wasn't okay, and I wondered if we'd ever get past that. "Tell me about you, Nessie," I said, half-pleading.

She shrugged. "What do you want to know?"

I thought carefully about what I wanted to say. "Well, for starters, where did the name 'Nessie' come from?"

"Um," she seemed to hesitate, looking down and furrowing her eyebrows. She spoke slowly, concentrating on her words. "I don't really know. My mother named me Renesmee. From what I've heard, she couldn't decide between Renee—her mother's name—or Esme, so she put them together." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I waited patiently for her to continue. Finally, she swallowed and spoke again. "My grandpa came up with the nickname when I was little. I don't really know how." She shrugged and stared at the table.

I nodded and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. I was curious to know what made it difficult for her to talk about these things.

"You're nineteen, right?" I asked. She nodded. "Do you live with your parents?"

She almost seemed to stop breathing for a second. I leaned down to try to see her face when she suddenly ripped her hand from mine and stood up.

"Are you okay?" I asked, surprised.

She sniffled and looked at me briefly. I sucked in a breath when I saw her eyes. I wasn't even sure how a single person could hold so much pain. "I'll be right back," she said quickly. She nearly tripped over the leg of her chair as she walked quickly in the direction of the bathroom. I stared after her, confused and maybe a little worried. I made a mental note to never talk about her family. For whatever reason, it hurt her. I wanted to know why, but I wasn't going to push it if it made her hurt worse.

Ten minutes later, she still hadn't come back. The food was delivered, and I contemplated going to find her. I waited five more minutes, and then decided I would go after her. I'd pay someone to look in the ladies' room if I had to. I was just about to stand up when I saw her walking slowly back to the table. She sat down and stared at the table for a second. I reached out and touched her shoulder.

"Are you all right?" I asked. She looked at me, and it was obvious she'd been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, but I saw none of the pain from before. She looked totally numb. I wasn't sure which was worse, the pain I'd seen or the numbness that obviously covered it. She nodded and turned back to her plate. "I'm sorry if I said something or—"

She interrupted me. "No, it wasn't you." She shook her head and picked up her fork.

I sighed and turned to my plate. We ate in silence for a few minutes, and I watched her. I tried not to be obvious about it; I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. But I did want to make sure she was okay.

She cleared her throat and looked over at me. "It's your turn," she said, making an obvious effort to smile.

I furrowed my brow. "My turn for what?"

"To tell me about you."

I nodded in understanding. "What would you like to know about me?" I asked, leaning a little closer to her.

She shrugged and looked down at the table for a minute. "Why are your hands so warm?" she asked, looking up at me.

It took me a second to realize what she meant. "When I get angry, my body temperature rises. Doctors have tried to explain it, but I think it's just part of being bipolar." I shrugged.

"You're bipolar?"

I nodded. "Yeah. That's why I got so mad after work. I forgot to take my meds." I smiled sheepishly, and she nodded.

"Why are you quitting?" She didn't seem bothered by my confession, and I was relieved.

It was getting easier to talk about my dad and his death, but there was still some part of me that cringed like it was rubbed too hard with sandpaper. I ignored it and answered her. "I took on the job in the first place to help with bills while I took care of my dad. He was sick with diabetes. He died a few months ago, and I don't need the job anymore." I shrugged.

Her body seemed to freeze so still I wasn't sure she was even breathing for several long seconds.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," she said, her voice full of pain. She looked at me again, and her eyes were wet.

"It's okay. I had pretty much expected it for a year or so before it happened."

She shook her head and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes, sitting still for a few seconds before she took another breath and looked back up at me. "How did you… cope with it?" she asked, her eyes desperate.

"It was hard. Taking care of my dad had pretty much consumed my life for so long that it was hard to think I wouldn't ever do it again. But, I realized after the first week or so that there's so much more to life than grieving. I just have to find something to do with myself now."

She stared at me for a long time as though she didn't understand what I'd just said. My chest hurt to see her like this; she looked so fragile and scared. I reached out and took her hand and she didn't pull back from me. Finally, she sighed.

"You're right," she said softly, her voice stunned as though she'd just learned something important.

"About what?" I asked, running my thumb over her fingers. She didn't move her eyes from mine.

"About the grieving."

I wondered suddenly if the pain in her eyes was grieving. Had she lost someone close to her and never healed? I wanted to ask her, but before I could, she turned away and took her hand from mine to go back to her plate.

We finished dinner mostly in silence. She made a few comments about how good the food was, and I liked knowing that she enjoyed it. When we were done, I paid the check and we left. The sky was bright orange with the sunset when we walked out to the car.

I put my hand on the car door and pushed her hair behind her shoulder. "Can you be outside at dusk like this? Or is any sunlight bad?" I asked, trying to understand more about her condition.

"I really shouldn't be out for very long. It's an allergy to the sun's UV rays, so any sunlight is bad."

I nodded and made a mental note to look that up. "Am I taking you back to work, or home?" I asked.

She furrowed her brow. "Why would I go back to work?"

I shrugged and opened the car door for her. "Did you drive to work?"

"Oh. No, I don't have a car. I walk."

"Okay. Home it is." She got in the car, and I ran around to the driver's side. "Show me the way."

She navigated the way to her house, and I was little surprised at how close she was to work. Without thinking, I walked her up to her door. She turned to me, and I was worried about her and the light.

"Are you doing okay?" I asked. "I mean, with the sun?"

She nodded. "I can be outside for a little bit before my skin starts hurting."

"How long?"

She shrugged. "Generally forty-five minutes to an hour is my limit. After that, my skin starts to burn." She rubbed her arms, and I almost started to panic.

"Are you sure you're okay now?" I asked, reaching out without thinking to touch her arm.

She nodded. "I'm fine now."

I sighed in relief. "Would you like a ride to work tomorrow?" I asked, hoping I didn't freak her out. Her eyes widened for a second, but she didn't seem upset.

"Um, sure," she said finally, smiling at me. She shifted her weight and looked past me, at the darkening sky. I was nervous for her and wanted her inside as fast as possible.

"Great. I'll be here at eight-fifty. Get inside." I touched her arm again and she smiled at me. She grabbed my fingers tightly for a second before she turned to the door.

"Okay. Thank you, Jake."

I wanted to hug her, but I wasn't sure if she would think it was appropriate. I settled for a wave and headed back to my car. When I turned around again, her door was shut. I sighed and got in my car to go home.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading :)

I'm on Twitter SheeWolf85


	7. Runaway

A/N: I'm excited to be updating this chapter. It's kind of a big one for Nessie. If you can't tell, trusting people isn't her strong point.

I have to say that I am amazed at the response this story is getting. I've been in love with it since the concept first crossed my mind two years ago, and it makes me incredibly happy to see others enjoying it as well. Thank you for all of your kind words, encouragement, and excitement thus far. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well.

Stephenie Meyer owns it all.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Six

Runaway

_Can you help me remember how to smile?  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile_

- Runaway Train – Soul Asylum

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

_There's so much more to life than grieving._

The words stuck to me. I tried to brush it off, but there was no denying it was there. I had spent the last two years of my life doing nothing but grieving. And not very well, either. I remembered the information packets we got when Grandpa Charlie died. Grieving was supposed to be a process. You were supposed to grieve and heal and eventually be okay again. That was how it worked with Grandpa. The thought of him still left a soft spot on my heart, but I could deal with it. I could think about him and talk about him and be okay that he was gone.

I was not following that process with my dad. I was past denial, although it took a long time to get there. I realized that he wasn't coming back after nearly six months of running through the house at any sound that remotely resembled another person, expecting to see him standing in the living room or the kitchen. I couldn't even say that I was completely past the denial stage. I still looked up when the wind made the door shake and half-expected it to open with him behind it. When the realization that I'd hoped again hit me, I'd cry again.

I was stuck between denial and acceptance.

When Jacob brought me home after dinner, I laid down on the couch for a long time to just think. There had been so many times throughout the night that I was sure he would throw his hands up and decide he was done with me. The first was when I put a huge limit on the places we could go. It had to be somewhere with pretty much no sunlight. Jacob managed, though, and the restaurant was actually very nice.

The second was when he'd asked me a simple question about where I lived, and I couldn't even answer him. I couldn't even try, because when he asked me if I lived with my parents, all I could see was my dad in the hospital. His cold, dead eyes staring at nothing.

Jacob was still at the table when I'd managed to put myself back together, and I prayed he wouldn't question what had happened. I felt like I could physically break apart at any second; my body couldn't handle anymore.

I got him to talk about himself, and I was intrigued to find he was bipolar. It explained so much about what had happened in the break room. I was relieved to know that he wasn't sick. And, somewhere deep inside, I was secretly happy to know that he had a flaw. Neither of us was perfect.

I thought I was doing okay, and then I asked him why he was quitting.

He had answered the question almost casually, as if the words coming out of his mouth weren't about to shake up my whole life.

"I took on the job in the first place to help with bills while I took care of my dad. He was sick with diabetes."

The restaurant felt crowded, even though we were in a wide open space. I tried to prepare myself for what I knew he was going to say.

"He died a few months ago, and I don't need the job anymore." He shrugged as though it wasn't a huge deal to him.

I couldn't breathe for a moment. It hurt me to think of Jacob facing that kind of loss. "I'm so sorry, Jacob," I said softly, hoping he understood that I meant it.

"It's okay. I had pretty much expected it for a year or so before it happened."

I couldn't imagine being in that situation; knowing that a loved one would die soon and not being able to do anything about it. What would I have done differently had I known my time with my dad was limited?

"How did you cope with it?" I asked. I needed to know his secret. How could he be so normal and happy most of the time after facing that kind of loss?

"It was hard," he admitted. "Taking care of my dad had pretty much consumed my life for so long that it was hard to think that I wouldn't ever do it again. But I realized after the first week or so that there's so much more to life than grieving."

He said something else after that, but I was too shocked to register what it was. His words hit me violently, and I could only stare at him. I knew other people had faced loss before; I wasn't the first person to lose a parent. But in that moment, looking at Jacob and hearing him talk about his father's death without so much as a pained expression, he was the strongest person I had ever met. He took my hand, and I swallowed thickly to push back my feelings and be numb again.

"You're right," I said softly. His thumb moved over my hand, and I just looked at him, still amazed.

"About what?"

"About the grieving." It was really all I could say. I didn't want to say more and risk feeling too much. I made myself turn around and focus on the food so I wouldn't focus on anything else.

I slept hard that night. The next morning, my body was stiff and hurt everywhere. I spent a little extra time in the bathroom as I got ready for work. I did my makeup and my hair, and all the while I wondered why I was even bothering.

Jacob showed up right on time. I ignored the growing number of butterflies as I grabbed my bag and left the house. He seemed a little relieved when I smiled up at him, but then he glanced up at the sky and hurried to get me in the car. I sighed, but didn't let myself get upset. Jacob worrying about me in the sun was better than him shunning me because of my condition.

"You, uh, look nice, Nessie," Jacob said as he drove.

I blushed deep as I suddenly realized that this was why I had bothered. I wanted to look nice for Jacob. I wasn't sure what to do with that. Was it normal for friends to feel that way? I cleared my throat and almost ran my fingers through my hair before I remembered the barrettes.

"Thanks."

He didn't say anything else about it and soon we were at work. We went our separate ways once we were in the door, me heading to the training room and him to his desk.

I felt strange as I sat through the training. We were finally learning how to use the computer system. I didn't know computers well, but I could navigate my way just fine. The system seemed fairly straightforward, which helped. We didn't get into the scripts, but they said that would be the next day.

The strange feeling amplified when it was time to take lunch. The butterflies in my chest that always showed up when I thought about seeing Jacob were there, but I was used to them. There was something else; an unfamiliar glow I hadn't felt in so long I wasn't sure how I even recognized it. I was happy.

I was also hungry. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I reached in my backpack for my cup of soup and it wasn't there. I remembered then that I'd left it on the counter at home. _FuckShitDamn!_ My stomach growled at me, an angry sound that was almost exasperation. I put my hand over it and reminded myself that I'd eat again when I got home from work.

As if to tell me how aggravated it was, my stomach twisted, and a wave of nausea ran over me. I was lightheaded, and I frowned. I felt like I hadn't eaten in days; I was starving. I checked my wallet for change, but I only had a nickel and a penny. I looked up around the room and noticed a woman digging through her bag. I was going to have to get social.

My heart was beating faster with my sudden trepidation as I turned toward the lady. "Excuse me," I said. My voice was much weaker than I wanted it to be. She looked up at me briefly, and I tried to smile. She didn't. She turned away from me, deliberately moving her bag to the other side so she could turn her back to me. I stood up straight and was going to give it to her when she found what she was looking for—her keys—and dashed out of the room. Fucker. They were all fuckers.

No one else was in the room, so I just dropped my bag back to the floor and went into the break room. It was mostly empty, as usual, but there was one guy putting a bill into the change machine. It sounded like he'd won the lottery as the coins spilled out. As I sat down at the table, I promised myself that when I had the chance, I would put a ten dollar bill in that machine and dance around screaming when the coins came out at me. Just for the hell of it.

He took the coins and put them in his pocket before he made his way to the vending machine. I watched him as he got what he wanted and took the coin that dropped out as his change.

A pit opened in my gut as I contemplated asking him for some quarters. I cleared my throat. He didn't even look at me as he unwrapped his candy bar and fled the room. I grunted and put my head on the table a little harder than I'd intended. The loud thud almost echoed around the room. Maybe I could figure out how to pick the lock on the vending machine and give them an IOU. I scoffed at myself. Right.

A minute later I heard the chair next to me scoot out. I didn't look up; I already knew it was Jacob. I had a fleeting thought of asking him for some change, but I squished it easily. My stomach clenched in protest, and I was lightheaded again. I supposed asking him for change wouldn't be any worse than throwing up on him. Maybe I'd do both. I sighed and finally lifted my head.

Jacob had his bag on the table in front of him, but he wasn't doing anything. He was just sitting there, watching me.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He asked that a lot. And yet, I couldn't find it in me to be upset. I actually liked it.

I nodded, and my stomach reminded me painfully of what I needed to ask him. He smiled a half a smile and fished a sandwich out of his bag. My stomach was in my toes when I finally opened my mouth.

"Hey, Jake?" I asked, fear making my voice a little above a squeak.

He hummed in response and looked up at me expectantly as his hands halted on his lunch.

"Um, do you..." _Just get it over with―like ripping off a Band-Aid. _ "Do you have any quarters I could borrow to get something from the machine?" I finally asked.

I waited for him to leave or say something mean, but that never happened. Instead, he stood up and started digging in his pockets. He pulled out a quarter, a dime and two pennies. Damn.

"This is all I've got with me, but you can have some of my sandwich if you want." He unwrapped it and handed half to me. I hesitated. Was he serious? He must have been, because he didn't withdraw when I reached out slowly and took the proffered sandwich.

"Thank you," I said sincerely. I tried to keep my eyes from watering at his gesture. I almost didn't want to eat the sandwich. I wanted to take it home with me so I would always have a reminder of the day Jacob Black sacrificed half his lunch for me. Then again, it probably wasn't as big a deal to him as it was to me.

"Sure," he said as he took a bite of his half.

We didn't talk as we ate. I tried to keep myself from inhaling the sandwich, knowing I'd get even sicker if I ate too fast. After the sandwich was gone, I realized that my lunch was over. I sighed.

I didn't know what to say to him. I wanted to hug him and thank him again for what he'd done, but somehow I didn't think that was appropriate.

"I should get back. Thank you again." I stood up and hesitated. Dammit, I didn't want to go back into that room where everyone was so cold to me. I wanted to stay here with Jacob.

"Anytime, Nessie." He smiled at me, and somehow it made me believe he really meant it. I turned to walk away, but his voice stopped me. "You want a ride home after work?"

I smiled to myself and turned back to see him as I nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

He smiled his wide smile that I liked so much and nodded. "Okay, see you then."

I left the break room with the happy glow back in my chest.

The rest of the training day went surprisingly well. While I couldn't really say I was cheerful, I was mostly content. It was strange to feel it when I hadn't been anything but empty and tormented for so long. I welcomed it, though, and felt myself smile more times than I had in the last month combined just at the memory of Jacob offering half of his sandwich.

When the day was over, I gathered my stuff and went to the break room to wait for Jacob. I briefly wondered if this would become a regular thing when I remembered something terrible. Friday was Jacob's last day. I only had one more day with him. The weight of reality hit me hard, and my eyes watered. It wasn't fair; I wanted more time.

When Jacob came in fifteen minutes later, I had been able to get myself mostly under control. At least so I didn't cry in front of him. He sat down next to me, and I was relieved when he gave me his signature smile.

"How're you?" he asked, somewhat jovially.

I shrugged. "I'm all right."

His brow furrowed just slightly, and somehow I knew he was going to ask if I was okay. Deranged Housewife Blondie came in, and Jacob looked up at her for a second before he turned back to me. He didn't say anything until after she left.

"You ready to go?" he asked, and it seemed like he was itching to leave. I nodded and grabbed my bag. I was grateful to him for not asking me when the housewife was there. For some reason, she always seemed a little too eager to hear my responses. She reminded me very much of the sometimes-friends I'd had in school.

Once we were in the car, though, Jacob must not have felt any need to hold back his curiosity.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at me as though he already knew the answer. And that he wasn't going to get it.

I nodded. "I'm fine," I said. And, truthfully, I was fine. At least, in comparison to how I'd been earlier that week or even the day before. "How are you?" I asked, turning the tables on him before he could ask more questions.

He pursed his lips and backed out of his parking spot before answering me. "I'm all right. How was the rest of your training?"

I shrugged. "Training was okay. We're finally learning something worthwhile, though. A week and a half of the same repetitive crap, and then suddenly three days before we're done, we actually get to the good stuff." I tried to sound exasperated, but I wasn't sure how well it worked.

He smirked at me. "Yes, but you'll be thankful for all that repetitive crap when you're actually on the phone. You'll be surprised how easy it is to get tongue-tied when you're reading a script."

His advice only reminded me again that he wouldn't be there when I was on the phones. I clenched my jaw and pushed away the despair; I refused to cry now. I could cry at home when I was alone.

He pulled up to my house and cut the engine. Before I could get out, he turned to look at me in the car. His arm was stretched out over the back of my seat, and for half a second I wondered if he wanted a hug. When I saw his face, though, I realized that he was steeling himself for something he wanted to say. I waited. Finally, he sighed and met my eyes. His were deep and soft and concerned.

"What's wrong, Nessie?" He asked.

A million thoughts roared to life at once as my chest constricted. I had known all along that Jacob saw through my façade, and yet somehow I had thought he couldn't see very clearly. Like maybe he knew I wasn't being entirely truthful when I said I was fine, but that he didn't know exactly how broken I was. He sighed again and his hand was on my shoulder.

"I'm not asking to know what's hurting you deep inside," he said softly, and I winced a little. "I won't pry into that because I know you won't tell me. But there's something else; something lighter but still heavy. Can you tell me?"

I was amazed at how perceptive he was. How did he know the differences in my pain? I licked my lips and looked at him. His dark eyes watched me carefully, and somehow I could tell he was seeking out the lighter-but-still-heavy pain, trying to see it in my eyes.

"Friday is your last day," I said. My voice sounded so loud in the car. His thumb rubbed my shoulder, and I bit back my tears.

"Nessie, am I your friend?"

I looked up and furrowed my brow. "What?"

"I think we're friends. Do you think we're friends?"

I wasn't sure what he was getting at, but I nodded. "Yes, you're my friend." It almost felt weird to say it out loud.

"Friday might be my last day at Debt to Wealth, but it doesn't have to be the last day of our friendship. Can't we still do stuff and see each other when we're not working at the same place?"

The thought sent a thrill of the happy glow up my spine. "I hope so."

His hand slid from my shoulder to my back, across my neck, and finally rested on my other shoulder. He pulled me closer to him as he leaned in, and I realized too late what he wanted. The hug was over before I had a chance to hug him back.

"Me too," he said as he pulled away from me. He reached in the backseat of his car and produced a very beat-up looking note pad. He flipped the pages until he found a relatively blank one and ripped the corner off to write something on it. When he handed to me, I realized what it was.

"This is my phone number," he explained. "You can call me anytime."

I didn't know what to say. The happy glow was so intense it hurt my chest and made my eyes water.

"Thank you," I said, not sure what else to say. I put the paper in my bag and thought of something. "Do you want mine?"

He smiled a one-sided, almost comical smile and nodded. "Yes, please."

I gave him my number and smiled at him when he programmed it into his cell phone. When he had it saved, he glanced out the window and back to me.

"You should go inside," he said softly.

I nodded. I wasn't nearing my limit yet, but I never liked pushing it. "I guess I'll see you Friday?"

"Of course." He frowned. "Do you mind walking? I have to run an errand for a friend that morning."

I smiled. "Of course not; I'll be fine."

He reached out to me again, and this time I was slightly better prepared. He pulled me to him gently, and I leaned my head on his shoulder. The embrace was quick, friendly, and reassuring. And yet, when it was over, I felt cold and lonely. I wanted another one; I wanted to get close and never move away again.

Before I could let myself get carried away with that thought, I smiled and climbed out of the car. I felt his eyes watching me until I had the door open. Once I stepped inside, he started the car and waved before backing up.

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A/N: Thank you for reading!


	8. Falling Away

A/N: Thank you to everyone giving this story a chance. I love you all, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. I don't own anything.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Seven

Falling Away

_I can feel you falling away,  
No longer the lost; no longer the same  
And I can see you starting to break.  
I'll keep you alive, if you show me the way._

- Give Me a Sign – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I had, somehow, managed to avoid Leah since Tuesday when I took Nessie out to dinner. She'd asked me about Nessie a few times the week prior while we worked together. I'd never really had much to say at that time.

Since Tuesday, I'd talked to Leah on the phone and texted her and all that bullshit, but I hadn't _seen_ her. This was key, because Leah couldn't smell my lies over a text or by phone. I think she knew something was up, but I couldn't ever be sure with her. Like her with me, I had to see her to know for sure.

So when I went over to her house on Thursday after work, she might have actually been surprised about my semi-progress with Nessie. Or she might have played it up for my sake.

"You took her out on a date?" Leah asked. Her eyes were wide like she was surprised, but there was something in her voice that said she'd known all along this would happen.

I rolled my eyes. "It wasn't a date." At least, I was pretty sure it wasn't.

Leah just nodded and walked over to her table. The whole point of this visit was so I could get measurements taken for Leah's upcoming wedding. It wasn't for a few more months, but she said she wanted to be prepared. "I'm sure it wasn't. So how'd it go? Did you kiss her?"

I held my arms out so she could measure me. "No, I didn't kiss her. She's going to take time. I can't just rush into asking her out and kissing her; she's not ready for that."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why? And how do you know? Did you ask her?"

I sighed and took a few seconds to calm my rising temper before I answered her. "I just know. I didn't ask her because I didn't need to."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at my face. Had I been lying, she'd see it. But I wasn't, and I just glared right back.

"You realize you have to tell me everything, right?" she asked as she wrapped her arms around me to measure my chest. I gave her a cocky grin when she looked up at me, and she just rolled her eyes.

"No, I don't. I don't have to tell you shit."

And because she was Leah, she punched me in the gut so quickly I didn't have time to flinch. I lost my balance and grabbed her shoulders to steady myself. She laughed and poked me.

"So you're expecting to just figure out all the girlfriend stuff on your own?"

"She's not my girlfriend, Leah. And yes, I fully intend on figuring everything out on my own." I believed I was making headway, anyway.

The day before was close to being a perfect day at the call center. I'd driven Nessie to work, and when she first appeared with barrettes holding her hair back from her face, I was almost shocked. She was always beautiful no matter how I saw her, but she seemed even more so then. Her makeup was done, and she seemed to glow. On top of it, she didn't look nearly as devastated or numb as she had the day before. She seemed to open up a little to me at lunch when she asked for change. I was upset that I hadn't grabbed the change from the dish on my kitchen counter that morning, but I still had my sandwich. She looked like she was going to cry when I handed it to her, but I didn't comment. I had a feeling it was rare for her to get that kind of courtesy.

After work, when I met her in the break room, she was sad again. But it looked different. The pain in her eyes didn't run as deep and wasn't as consuming as it usually was. There was something else bothering her; something besides the usual pain. I was determined to find out what it was and hopefully help her through it, but I waited until we were at her house in the driveway. I was both shocked and deeply relieved to find the reason for her new pain was my last day of work with her. It was something I couldn't exactly fix, but provide a substitute for. If she was sad that I was leaving, then I wouldn't leave. Not really, anyway. We were friends, and we'd still see each other.

"I might not be here when you're ready to come crawling back for advice," Leah joked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"I won't need it, but you know you'd never turn me away." I smirked and poked her side.

She giggled—actually giggled—and bent down to measure my legs. Sam was turning her more and more into a girl each day.

When measurements were taken and Leah was done torturing me for information―she threatened me with a manicure _and_ a pedicure―she finally released me. Truthfully, I didn't mind talking to Leah about Nessie as long as she didn't pry too hard. There were some things I didn't feel like I could tell her. Leah seemed to get that, because after the third time of questioning why I hadn't asked Nessie out yet, she finally dropped it.

"So when do I get to meet her?" she asked as I was getting ready to leave.

"It's… difficult," I hedged.

"You're acting like you don't want to share her, Jake."

I smirked. In all actuality, she wasn't too far off the mark. I think she knew it, too.

"You could bring her to the barbecue on Saturday," she suggested.

I sighed, but realized this actually spared me in the long run.

"I don't think that would work. She's… how do I put this? She's delicate." Leah smirked at the word, but I ignored her. "She's allergic to the sun; she can't be outside very long."

Leah's eyes widened. "Really? People like that actually exist?"

I narrowed my eyes, more than a little upset at her incredulous tone. She made it sound like Nessie should be on display. "Yes, and I swear, if you ever make her uncomfortable—"

"Oh, come on Jake, you know me better than that."

She actually sounded hurt, and for a moment I felt bad. I just nodded. At least Leah knew how serious this was for me.

"I wouldn't have a problem if she stayed inside. If she wanted to, that is. Or if she just needed to get out of the sun for a bit. Could you at least ask her?"

I realized that Leah was going all female on me again and actually being sensitive. I sighed. "I'll talk to her. No promises, though."

She hugged me tightly. "Let me know what she says, so I can make sure there's enough food."

I chuckled. "I assume Seth and his brothers will be there?"

She nodded and smirked. "You better come early if you want to eat."

Seth was like a little brother to Leah. They'd known each other since she met him in grade school, and she had immediately taken him under her wing. She had been in sixth grade and he'd just started first. He had four brothers, all of whom were in their late teens now and nothing but bottomless pits. It was almost literally impossible to fill them up. I doubted if Nessie's presence would change the amount of food needed with them in the house.

I hugged Leah's shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "See you Saturday. I'll let you know about Nessie." She nodded, and I left.

The next morning, I got up earlier than usual to deal with the dipshits from MedicAid. I had told Nessie I needed to run an errand for a friend because I didn't want to mention anything parent related. I didn't know for sure, and I wasn't ready to start prying, but I had a suspicion that her parents had something to do with her pain.

I was in a foul mood when I finally got done with them. Those calls never ended well. They wanted shit they had no business asking for when the man was dead and buried, and I wasn't about to let them have it. They could kiss my ass. But every time I had to fight with them because they'd just keep calling me until I did.

I made it to work a little late and was surprised to find my desk covered in streamers and balloons. I growled internally; I should have made it a strict stipulation to keep the decoration shit out of this. I didn't want my departure to be a big deal.

The calls were slow, and Vikki chatted on and on about some movie she'd seen the night before. I paid only enough attention to know when to nod or hum as I systematically stripped my desk of all decoration. She broke from her constant chatter just long enough to ask for a balloon, so I gave her one. I set another one aside for Nessie, not sure if she'd want it or not, and popped the rest. I gave Vikki most of the candy, too, but saved a few pieces for Nessie. I wasn't sure what she'd like, if anything, so I tried to get at least one of everything. Everything else went in the garbage. The can by my desk was overflowing by the time I was done.

When lunch rolled around, I almost hung up on the call I had. I was eager to get into the lunch room so I could see Nessie. Luckily for the guy on the other end, the call was pretty much done anyway. I gathered the candy and the balloon for Nessie and made my way to the lunch room. As usual, she was sitting at the table by the ice machine. She stared into her cup of ramen noodles and ignored everything else.

I noticed a large cake on one of the other tables with stacks of paper plates and napkins, and a cup holding forks. I rolled my eyes as I realized it was a goodbye cake for me. It was already almost half-eaten, and the only letters left were 'ss you' and 'cob'. I figured it had probably said something absurd like, "We'll miss you, Jacob."

I ignored the cake and set the candy down by Nessie. She looked up at me and smiled. It was a sad smile, but this was the sad I could handle. I sat down and pushed some of the candy to her.

"Apparently people will do anything for cake and candy around here," I said. She smiled half-heartedly and looked up.

"And balloons," she said softly.

"Yes, and balloons. Would you like it?" I held it out for her. She looked at it for a moment and then nodded. "The candy's for you, too. I wasn't sure if you'd like it or not."

She smiled a warm smile and reached out to touch a piece. When she looked up at me her eyes were a little shiny. "I haven't had Twix in a long time."

I wondered why she singled out that piece, but before I could ask she suddenly closed herself off. I could almost feel the second it happened. Her eyes closed and her body tensed. She took a deep breath and clenched her jaw a few times before she opened her eyes again. When she looked at me, the deep, suffocating pain from before was back. She seemed to be fighting, and, although I didn't know why, I was proud of her.

I reached out and touched her shoulder. "Are you okay?" I already knew what the answer would be.

She took a few deep breaths before she answered me. She cleared her throat and nodded. "I'll be fine."

I didn't like the answer, but I was in no place to push for more. So instead, I changed the subject.

"Did you have any cake?"

She shook her head and took a few deep breaths. "No, I don't really like cake."

I wondered if this would be a safe subject. "No? Are there any sweets you do like? Brownies?"

The corner of her lip pulled up the slightest bit. "Brownies are okay, as long as they don't have any nuts or frosting. But my favorite is chocolate chip cookies." Her voice almost broke at the end, and it was easy to see she was about to close up again when her jaw clenched.

I backtracked. "What's a brownie without nuts?" I asked, watching her face carefully.

Her brow furrowed, and she took a deep breath. "A good brownie," she said softly.

"What about the frosting? They're too dry without frosting."

She sniffled, and the corner of her lip lifted slightly. She still stared at the table, but her body language told me all I needed to know. Her movements weren't as jarred or tense, and the crease between her eyebrows was getting smaller.

"Only if they're not made the right way. If it's dry without frosting, it's no good."

I couldn't argue with that. "So how do you make the perfect brownie?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know; I can't cook." A light blush spread across her cheeks, and I laughed.

"You can't cook at all?"

"Well, I can boil water. That's pretty much it."

I nodded. "Okay, so what's your favorite thing to cook with boiled water?"

Her jaw clenched. When she spoke, her voice was tight. "Macaroni and cheese. I like to have it with…" she trailed off, and she closed her eyes tightly. I changed the subject.

We repeated this process a few times. I asked her questions and listened to her answers until something showed me it was too much for her. I'd change the topic. It was the clench of her jaw or a sharp intake of breath. Sometimes it was just the way her body seemed to tense up. I had the corner of her mouth pulled up in a clearly visible half-smile before lunch was over, and I was more proud of her than I was of myself.

"You want a ride home tonight?" I asked.

She paused for a minute before she looked up at me. "That would be great."

I smiled at her, and she smiled a real, albeit tiny, smile before she walked out of the room. I grabbed a slice of cake and headed back to my desk.

It wasn't until the last hour that it really hit me. This was my last day of working two jobs. After this, I could go back to working my normal hours in construction, and I would never again have to take another damn phone call. The only thing keeping me there at all was the thought of Nessie. If I just got up and walked out, she wouldn't get the ride I promised her.

So I waited out my last hour and filled the time with cleaning out my desk. There wasn't much I wanted to take with me. It wasn't like I had use for all the fancy office crap at home, so I just grabbed my personal things. Vikki somehow produced a small box for me, and I took it gratefully. I realized with some astonishment that I was actually going to miss the chatty little beast. I took the time to say goodbye to her and fought the need to ask her to take care of Nessie for me. I didn't know Vikki that well, but one thing I did know was that she liked to talk. I didn't want to stoke the rumor fire.

When my shift was finally over, I clocked out and imagined myself setting fire to the desk as I walked away to the break room. Nessie was there already, waiting for me. She looked up when I walked in the room. I wasn't even halfway across the room before she stood up and grabbed her bag.

"Can we just go?" she asked, looking at me with a strange fire in her eyes. I nodded let her go ahead of me as we walked out to the car. This was something new. I'd seen several different kinds of hurt, sadness, and even a little fear in her eyes, but I'd never seen her angry.

I gave her time to calm down as I drove to her house, but I turned to her once we were in the driveway.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

Her breathing hitched, and when she looked at me, the fire had burned to embers. I wondered what happened. This wasn't normal.

"Did you tell people we were dating?" she asked bluntly.

I sighed and put my arm around the back of her chair. "No, I didn't. But people are famous for making assumptions."

I had expected the fire to dissolve, but instead it seemed I'd stoked it. Her brow furrowed and her hand clenched into a tiny fist. I immediately put my hand on her shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "People and stupid rumors, that's all."

"Rumors about us?" I could only assume that it had something to do with us since she'd asked about me.

She sniffled, and I realized that she was crying. Then she slowly shook her head. "Rumors about you."

I raised an eyebrow; I hadn't heard any rumors about me specifically. Then again, most people would know better than to talk about me in earshot. "What was it?"

She looked up at me hesitantly and finally sighed. "Promise you won't be mad."

"I promise I won't be mad at _you_," I qualified.

She seemed to be okay with that. "Lauren, that one blonde housewife from hell—" I had to smile at her description; I knew who she was talking about— "she said that she heard you were leaving because someone caught you… us… in the parking lot."

She blushed fiercely, and I raised an eyebrow. "Caught us? You and me?"

She nodded.

"Caught us what?"

She looked up at me, her eyes pleading as she blushed again. Suddenly it made sense.

"Oh… I see. Well, obviously you know that's not true."

She surprised me with a quick bark of a laugh, her lips lingering in a smile. "Obviously."

I sighed again and rubbed my thumb on her shoulder. "Nessie?" She looked up at me curiously. "Will you promise me something?"

She furrowed her brow but nodded. "What is it?"

"Will you promise me that you won't let those assholes fuck with you? Don't listen to a damn word they say; they don't know shit."

She met my eyes for a long time before she nodded slowly. "Okay."

But I couldn't leave it at that. "And promise me that you won't pay any attention to the rumors. They're just jealous that you talk to me."

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, but nodded anyway. "I promise."

I realized the time and that we'd been sitting in the car for about fifteen minutes. Just before I told her to get inside, I remembered Leah. Shit. I didn't want to keep her out for much longer.

She sighed and smiled up at me. "I should go inside."

I nodded and pulled her gently into a hug across the car like I'd done last time. And just like last time, she rested her head on my shoulder. I fought with everything I had to keep from kissing her hair the way I kissed Leah. It was innocent and platonic, but I wasn't sure Nessie would see it that way. Especially after the rumor she'd just confessed to me. I pushed the thought away and released her.

"I have a question for you; do you have a few minutes, or can I come inside?"

She didn't seem to hesitate as long as she usually did before she turned to me. "You can come in." She grabbed her bag and opened the door before I even had much of a chance to protest. Not that I wanted to.

I followed her inside and watched her as she set her bag down by a dark wooden coffee table in the middle of the living room. It was not a huge room, but it was maybe a little bigger than mine. Behind the coffee table sat a low, short couch with a faded green pattern and overstuffed, mismatched pillows. There was a small bookcase in the corner that had reached its limit and overflowed. There were books sitting on top and even a few on the floor next to it. To the side of the bookcase was a light wood TV stand with no TV. Nothing sat on top of it or in it; it was just sitting there. I wondered why.

It took me a minute to figure out why there were blankets hanging from various places on the wall. One was hung above the couch and another on the wall behind us. I just figured it was interesting decoration until I realized that there were no visible windows. I felt like a dunce; of course she would need to cover the windows to make sure no sunlight got in.

I turned my attention back to Nessie when I realized she'd been watching me assess her living room. She smiled a small smile, but I saw through it; her deep pain was back.

"Do you want to sit down?" she offered, gesturing to the couch. It was big enough for the both of us to sit, so I nodded. She moved the pillows and put them on the floor to sit next to me.

"I like your house," I said, feeling like I had to say something about it. I regretted it the instant her jaw clenched. I changed the subject immediately. "My friend Leah is having a barbecue tomorrow. She wanted to know if you would like to go."

It worked. Her jaw eased its tension, and she took a deep breath before she looked up at me. "A barbecue?"

I nodded. "Yeah, she has them all the time when the weather gets warmer."

"Will it be outside?"

I thought about how to tell her this delicately without offending her. "I sort of talked to her about that. She said she would be fine if you wanted to stay inside. Of course I'd stay in with you. Or if you just needed to go in for a minute to get out of the sun."

She nodded. "It doesn't really work like that, though," she said sadly. "Once I've had too much sun and my skin starts hurting, that's it for a day or two. I could probably stay for a half an hour or so, but that would be all."

I nodded again. "Half an hour would be fine. If you want to go, that is. If not, just tell me, and I'll stop pestering you." I smiled teasingly and it earned a raised corner of her mouth. She was quiet for a moment, and I let her think it through.

Finally, she looked up at me. "If she's okay with me just staying a half an hour, I'll go."

I smiled a genuine smile, thrilled.

"It's tomorrow you said?" she asked. I nodded. "What time?"

"How does noon sound?"

"That's fine."

She got up, and I stood with her. "I'll come by and pick you up at about eleven forty-five, okay?"

She clasped her hands in front of her and nodded before glancing up at me. "Thank you so much, Jacob."

I had told myself I wasn't going to do this, but I couldn't stop myself as I pulled her into a real hug. I felt her breath catch and was going to back away, but she caught me with her arms around my waist. I hugged her tightly for a moment before moving back.

"You know you're welcome, Nessie." I settled for a brief touch of her hair with my fingers before I finally tore myself away and went to the door. "See you tomorrow."

She waved somewhat timidly and shut the door behind me.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading!

I forgot to mention in the last update that I have a playlist set up for this story. Head over to givemeasignplaylist(dot)weebly(dot)com to check it out. The link is also on my profile.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85.


	9. Dear Agony

A/N: Bonus chapter :) So today sucked. I won't get into it, but this chapter is my way of celebrating a shitty morning turning into a bearable day. I will still post on my regular schedule, which means you'll get one tomorrow as well!

This chapter is a little bit longer than the others. I am so grateful to all of my readers and those who review. Thank you. Yep. Breaking Benjamin again. Their music is amazing. If you haven't checked them out, I highly recommend that you do. None of this is mine; it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Eight

Dear Agony

_Dear Agony  
Just let go of me  
Suffer slowly  
Is this the way it's got to be?_

- Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I went to work on Friday so sure that it was going to be the worst day of my life. After all, it was the very last day I would sit with Jacob at lunch. I was surprised to find myself hopeful, because I knew it wasn't going to be the last day I'd ever see him. We'd been given handouts in training with all of our scripts and went over a few. We even took a few test calls that were highly monitored. It was strange, talking to people I didn't know about a product I was trying to get them to shell out money for.

Even though I was optimistic about the future of my friendship with Jacob, I was still sad when I went to the break room for lunch. It really would be the last time I'd ever see him there. I remembered a time before I learned he was quitting when I would sit in training and think about what it would be like to hear his voice on a call when I was out on the floor. It made me sad that it wouldn't happen.

I almost laughed at the cake that our managers had set out. Nobody waited for Jacob before they started to eat it. I ignored people coming in and stared into my ramen. Five minutes later, just like always, Jacob came in. I looked up at him when he set some candy in front of me.

"Apparently people will do anything for cake and candy around here."

I smirked and noticed the balloon he had in his hand. "And balloons."

"Yes, and balloons. Would you like it?"

He held it out, and I wondered if I did want it or not. Regardless of whether it was a reminder of his last day, it was still a gift from Jacob. I reached out and took it.

"The candy's for you, too. I wasn't sure if you like it or not, though."

I smiled, touched, as I looked back down at the candy. I noticed one brown package and my throat closed. I hadn't had candy in a long time, but it had been even longer since I'd had any Twix. They were my dad's favorite. I touched it and looked up at Jacob. His eyes were soft and concerned, and I was determined to hold it in.

"I haven't had Twix in a long time," I explained to him. I half-hoped he would just think I was a little crazy for getting so sentimental over a candy bar. But saying the name out loud only spurred my memories. I pushed them back as hard as I could. This was my last lunch with Jacob, and dammit, I wasn't going to ruin it by falling apart. I needed to keep it together. When I looked at him again, he touched my shoulder. I used the contact to gain better ground.

"Are you okay?"

I breathed deep and focused on his fingers. "I'll be fine."

"Did you have any cake?"

Cake. Cake was safe; it was a rarity in our house. "No, I don't really like cake."

He seemed to perk up just a little. "No? Are there any sweets you do like? Brownies?"

I smiled a little, feeling a little better. "Brownies are okay, as long as they don't have any nuts or frosting." And I was fine, until I took it a step too far. "But my favorite is chocolate chip cookies." Halfway through the sentence, I realized my mistake as I remembered my dad and me making cookies. I drew in a breath and cursed to myself as I forced the memories away.

But then Jacob spoke again. "What's a brownie without nuts?"

I smiled a little, the tension in my chest easing again. I spent my lunch talking to him, and his hand never left my shoulder. I slipped every now and then, and I fought it every time. And every time, it seemed Jacob knew what was coming. Could he somehow see in my face that I needed to talk about something different? I didn't care how he knew or if he even did. All I cared about was that I was able to talk to Jacob for the whole half hour.

I went back to the training room with a smile. My smile was short-lived, though. We finished training and were released a little early. Amanda left the room quickly like she was eager to get the hell out of there. As soon as the trainers were gone, the gossip started.

Not all of it was about me. I heard some comments about the coming weekend and something about a keg, but it was the comments about me that stood out. Or, rather, the comments about Jacob.

I could handle it when I heard people talk about me. I was used to it. It still hurt sometimes, but it was easy to dismiss. But when I heard their comments about Jacob, it hurt ten times as bad. It only hurt worse to hear that they were scandalous comments; rumors about him being with me intimately in the parking lot. My face flamed at the mere thought of Jacob and I like that. I barely knew him; it wasn't right to think about sex with him.

I stewed in anger, the blonde housewife laughing with her minions at the prospect of Jacob being so embarrassed about being caught that he had to quit. And then they moved on to other comments. Talking about some party that one of them had gone to.

As I seethed, I wondered how they'd gotten the notion that I was even with Jacob like that. Did someone think we were dating? Jacob had told me that our dinner on Tuesday wasn't a date, but had he told someone else that it was? And would I be upset if he had?

No, I realized. I would not be upset.

By the time Jacob made it to the break room after work, I had let myself fret enough to be literally consumed with anger. Neither of us said anything as he drove. It wasn't until he pulled up to my house that he brought it up.

"Everything okay?" he asked in the way only he could.

I looked up at him, still upset. "Did you tell people we were dating?" I wasn't mad at him, and yet my question made it sound like I was.

He sighed and stretched his arm out over the back of my seat. "No, I didn't. But people are famous for making assumptions."

My anger tripled. They didn't have any ground to assume anything was going on between Jacob and me. My fist clenched, and I wanted to hit them all.

Jacob's hand on my shoulder soothed the anger a little, but not much.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"People and stupid rumors, that's all." It felt good to actually answer him this time.

"Rumors about us?"

I knew it was about the both of us, but somehow it seemed like he was taking the brunt of it. I didn't care who thought I was with him; they could think I did nothing but have sex all day, every day. It was him I was worried about. If he knew what they'd said, would he care or would he be hurt? Would he be ashamed even when he'd done nothing wrong? It didn't matter that he'd never go back to that place; rumors stuck with you long after they've been said. I should know. My eyes watered at the thought of Jacob being hurt by a comment spurred by connection with me.

"Rumors about you," I finally said.

"What was it?"

I looked up at him and he just looked curious. I sighed. "Promise you won't be mad."

"I promise I won't be mad at _you_." He smiled and it made me feel a little better. I think I'd known he wouldn't be upset with me, but I was still nervous.

"Lauren, that one blonde housewife from hell… she said that she heard you were leaving because someone caught you… us… in the parking lot." I felt my face burn as I looked down.

"Caught us? You and me?"

I could only nod.

"Caught us what?"

I looked up at him, and it was obvious he wasn't catching on. I prayed I wouldn't have to say it out loud. I wouldn't know how to say it. Having sex? Getting freaky? Knocking boots? Thankfully, he got it before I could decide how to word it.

"Oh… I see. Well, obviously you know that's not true."

I couldn't ignore the sarcasm in his voice, and I laughed. I was so relieved that I didn't have to say it and that he didn't seem angry. "Obviously."

He made me promise then that I wouldn't let them fuck with me. I was a little surprised; I'd never heard so many swear words come out of his mouth. It didn't bother me; it wasn't like I was some perfect angel when it came to profanity. I promised him and vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to honor that promise.

Just as I was getting ready to go inside, Jacob surprised me again.

"I have a question for you; do you have a few minutes, or can I come inside?"

The thought of having a little more time with him was too appealing. I didn't even hesitate to say he could come in. As we walked in, I watched him as he surveyed the place. I was surprised by the rush of emotion I felt as he stared at each new thing. The couch, the coffee table, the bookcase… the TV stand. I fought with myself; I couldn't run very far from Jacob if I broke down now. When he was done looking around, I threw myself into something different.

"Do you want to sit down?"

He did, so I tossed the pillows and we sat. This was so much different; I was so much closer in a whole different way than usual.

"I like your house," he said casually.

I couldn't even speak to thank him. I had to remind myself to breathe steadily, and then he spoke again.

"My friend Leah is having a barbecue tomorrow. She wanted to know if you would like to go."

And just like lunch earlier, I had something else to focus on. I rolled his words around in my head, using them to push memories out of the way before I could talk again. I wanted to go to the barbecue, but of course my skin wouldn't allow it. Jacob said he'd talked to his friend about my condition, and while a part of me warmed and liked it, another part of me knew that he might not really know what he was asking of me. In the end, having the chance to do something like that with Jacob was too appealing. I'd go, but only for a little while.

He hugged me before he left, and it was magic. His warmth was all around me, and I spent the rest of the night remembering it.

* * *

I stood in front of my closet Saturday morning on the verge of a very real panic attack. Jacob was due to arrive in forty five minutes to take me to the barbecue. I had no idea what I was going to wear.

I was torn between a desire to protect myself and a need to hear Jacob say I looked nice again. On one hand, I could wear something long-sleeved and high-necked with long pants to protect my skin as much as possible. On the other hand, I could wear a tank top and shorts and fit in with the rest of the people who would undoubtedly be wearing warm-weather clothes.

I shook my head and cursed to myself for even thinking that. Jacob was my friend; I was not trying to flaunt my body. Not that I even had much to flaunt.

In the end, I settled on a lightweight, frothy green sweater with elbow-length sleeves and my favorite pair of blue jeans. I did my hair and makeup again, including the barrettes Jacob had liked the day he'd picked me up for work.

The knock on the door sent my heart into overdrive, and I had to take a few deep breaths to calm down before I could answer it. My ears were ringing a little, and the happy glow, butterflies, and a strange new tightening somewhere in the middle of my body all mixed together. I took one more breath and threw the door open.

Jacob stood there and smiled at me. "Hey, Nessie," he said happily. And all I could do was stare.

He stood before me in a black wife beater tank top that hugged his body and a pair of khaki cargo shorts. My eyes were glued to his arms―strong, powerful, and showing me more of his tanned skin than I'd ever seen or dreamt of seeing.

"You okay?"

His voice reminded me that I wasn't supposed to do this. I was his friend, and friends don't stare each other down no matter how gorgeous they were. I cleared my throat and met his eyes. His were humorous, light despite their dark color, and he smiled his one-sided smile for me. I blushed; I'd been caught.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

He held out his hand, and I took it. "Good; you ready to go?"

I nodded and patted my pockets with my free hand to make sure I had everything. I did, so I locked the door and we left.

"Don't hesitate to tell me if you start feeling uncomfortable," he said as he drove. "Please. I don't want you to hurt."

I smiled. "I promise." I wasn't stupid enough to stay outside longer than I needed to.

When we got to the place, Jacob led me around the house to the backyard, and I was a little surprised to see it already full of people. Some were sitting around just talking, and some were playing like they were wrestling in the far corner of the yard. Jacob took me around and introduced me to everyone. Even though I knew they didn't know about my condition, I was still a little surprised when each person shook my hand without hesitation.

After going around the yard, Jacob led me inside.

"Leah?" he called. We rounded a corner, and I almost ducked back around when I saw the couple making out in the kitchen. Jacob put his arm around my shoulders. I couldn't get away.

"You think you can pull away for two seconds?" Jacob said with a smirk. I glanced up at him, not sure if I wanted to be nervous.

The couple broke apart, and a beautiful woman with shoulder-length, straight black hair looked around the man. She smiled and pushed him away.

"Jake, you made it!" She was taller than me, but still about six inches shorter than Jake. She skipped over to us and threw her arms around Jacob. I wasn't sure why I didn't like the way she pushed her body against his, or the way he squeezed her with his free arm. I pushed it away.

"Yep." He looked down at me. "Nessie, this is Leah. Leah, this is Nessie."

Leah looked me over like she wasn't sure if she wanted to hug me or banish me to hell. She settled for a pat on the back. "I've heard a lot about you," she said with a smile. Then she turned and gestured for the man she'd been kissing to come over.

"Sam, come here."

He did, and he nodded at Jake. Leah took his hand.

"This is my fiancé, Sam. Sam, this is Jake's… friend." She glanced at Jacob quickly, and I looked up at him. He had a strange look in his eyes, like he was giving her a warning. I swallowed and smiled at Sam. He was tall like Jake with dark brown hair and eyes.

"Hi," I said timidly.

He nodded at me. "Hello."

Leah smiled and looked up at him, but everyone was quiet for a few seconds. I almost started to feel a little uncomfortable until Jacob spoke up.

"Well, what's a barbecue without the food? You hungry?" he asked me.

I nodded, and we went to find something to eat. The food was actually really good. I hadn't had barbecue food in a long time, and I was excited to have a grilled hot dog and try the different kinds of salads.

Some of the teenagers started teasing Jacob about some game or another that they'd won. He defended himself, and then one of them—I think his name was Seth—attempted to tackle Jacob. I laughed to myself as I watched them wrestle on the grass.

Not many people talked to me, but I hadn't expected them to anyway. Leah did, though, as Jacob wrestled with Seth.

"Hi," she said as she sat beside me on the bench I was on. I looked up and smiled.

"Hi."

"How are you? Are you doing okay?"

I remembered that she knew about my condition, and I nodded. We'd been there twenty minutes, and I was fine. She nodded and looked over at Jacob. She laughed when Seth tried to get away and Jacob grabbed his arm, pulling him back easily.

"I'm glad you came with him."

"Me too. He's a good friend."

She looked at me. Her eyes were deep brown like Jacob's, but not as expressive. I wasn't sure what exactly she was seeing or thinking as her eyes raked over my face. "Yes, he is. Be good to him."

The wrestling match ended with Jacob pinning Seth to the ground and forcing him to say 'uncle', which he finally did. I tried not to think about how Jacob looked showing his dominance in such a playful manner.

I was going to ask Leah what she meant by her comment, but Jacob jogged over to us before I could decide how to word my question.

"Telling her all my secrets?" Jacob asked playfully as he sat next to me on my other side.

Leah laughed. "Yep, all the nitty gritty. You might want to hide for a few days."

Jacob chuckled and I smiled up at him. He put his arm around my shoulders, and I was almost surprised at how warm the happy glow in my chest got. They bickered back and forth for a minute, and I smiled each time Jake would speak. His side was touching my arm and I could almost feel the rumble of his voice in his chest.

It wasn't long before my skin started to prickle, though, and I knew I'd be pushing it if I tried to stay much longer. I looked up at Jacob and he smiled a new, much brighter version of my favorite smile.

"How are you?" he asked.

I sighed. "I'm okay, but I think I've had enough for a bit."

He nodded and stood up. I wasn't sure if I expected him to be upset, but I was happy that he wasn't. We said goodbye to everyone and he took me back home. He didn't hesitate in the car like he usually did; he got out immediately and walked me up to the house. He didn't say anything; he just stared at the door handle until I opened it and stepped inside. He relaxed visibly once I was inside, like I'd won some kind of race. He came in with me and shut the door resolutely behind him.

"Thank you for coming with me, Nessie, I had a lot of fun." He smiled and touched my arm.

"Me too, Jake. Thank you for taking me."

He smiled and his thumb rubbed my shoulder like I loved so much. He stared at me for a long time. At me, but not into my eyes.

"You're going to be okay at work, right?" he asked.

I shrugged, and I was disappointed when his hand fell away. "I'm sure I'll be fine."

He nodded and offered me a little smile. There was something bothering him, and I wondered what it was. He didn't look angry like he had the day we went to dinner; he looked almost sad. Sad, but… not. Pensive, maybe.

"What's wrong," I asked. It wasn't lost on me that this was only the second time I'd ever asked that when he asked me some variation of the same question every time we saw each other.

He smirked; apparently he knew it, too. "I guess I'm just worried about you."

"About me? Why?"

He took a deep breath and met my eyes for a long moment. He ran his fingers through his hair, shrugging as he did. "I don't know. I guess I'm going to miss you."

My stomach plummeted. "But I thought we'd still see each other and do stuff." I almost winced; it sounded like a whine. Had he just meant this once for the barbecue? Was this the last time I'd ever see him?

His hand was back on my shoulder, and all I wanted to do was cry.

"No, Nessie; that's not what I meant." He pulled me into a hug like the one he'd given me the day before and my heart soared while it broke. "Of course we can still see each other; I'm still your friend. But I'll miss seeing you at work. That's all."

I hugged him back, exactly the way I had the day before. This time felt different, though. When he hugged me before, it was hard and tight and felt like heaven, but it was over before I had time to really digest the feel of his arms around me. This time, he rubbed my back, and I swear I could feel each of his fingers. I could feel his skin and his shirt, and I turned my head to rest my cheek on his chest. He squeezed me tightly for just a moment, and I had to close my eyes to keep from bursting with happiness. It felt so good and so safe and so whole. When he pulled away, I almost cried.

"I'm not sure what my schedule will be after next week. I've got a lot of stuff to do, but I'll call you when I know what's going on with everything, okay?"

I nodded and told myself this was so much better.

When he left, I curled myself on the couch and stared into the empty space above the TV stand for a long time. My arms were wrapped around my chest, and I tried hard to remember every second of his safe, comforting hug.

* * *

The rest of my weekend was spent doing what I usually did on weekends. I read and slept and occupied my thoughts with Jacob. I wondered how long it would take him to figure out what he needed to do and call me. What would we do when he had his new schedule? Would he take me to another barbecue? Would we go see a movie or go to dinner again?

Sunday night my thoughts went to a dangerous place as I contemplated him asking me out on a date. Of course I knew it wouldn't actually happen, but I found myself imagining what it would be like to eat dinner with him, and then come home and have him hug me like he had before and pull back just to kiss me.

I shook the thoughts away, laughing at myself for my dreams. Jacob was my friend, nothing more.

Monday was okay. I was used to being by myself at lunch on Mondays. I told myself that this was how it would be from now on; just me and my cup of noodles every day. I got my new desk and smiled sadly when I realized it was on the opposite side of Jacob's old desk. The blond man Jacob had been so upset with before sat three seats down from me. I found it a little unnerving the way he would often watch me, but I kept my promise to Jacob and ignored him.

It didn't actually hit me until Wednesday. I was on lunch Wednesday afternoon and heard someone come into the break room. They got something out of the fridge and left. I realized when they walked out of the room that I had been somehow hoping they would pull out a chair and sit next to me. Although I knew that there was really only one person I _wanted_ to sit next to me, I was surprised by a nagging weight in my chest. Just heavy enough to be noticeable. I was lonely. And then it hit me that this was how lunch would be for me from here on out.

I cried that night. Crying myself to sleep the way I'd done so many times before, but somehow so different.

I was going through my bag Thursday night, cleaning it out and making sure I only had what I needed to take to work when I found the candy Jacob had given to me on his last day. I smiled sadly as I unwrapped a Jolly Rancher and popped it in my mouth. I closed my eyes; it tasted so good. I put the rest of the candy on the kitchen counter after I threw away the Twix bar. I took the paper that Jacob had written his phone number on and put it by the phone, smiling as I touched it one more time.

Overall, I couldn't say that my life was horrible. It wasn't empty, even if I hadn't heard from Jacob for a few days. I knew he was dealing with his own things, and I wasn't going to get jealous or needy. I'd let him do his thing so hopefully I could have more time with him in the future.

I hadn't had a breakdown since the night Jacob took me to dinner; over a week. It was like somehow I had something else to cling to. Like I was finally starting to heal. I realized just how wrong I was on Friday.

I'd been taking calls for a week, talking to people about their debt and giving them all the reasons why they should buy the program. It didn't make much sense to me, actually; I mean, why spend four hundred dollars on a program when you're already thirty thousand dollars in debt? Even if you did have a trial period. And yet, some people bought it. Some people liked it. Some people said it worked. Who was I to dissuade them?

It was after lunch on Friday when I got the call. It was a woman, and she was in tears when I answered. At first, I'd used the cut-and-paste sympathy I'd used on every other call. _Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful. I understand_.

I understand.

I hated using those words. I hated hearing them, knowing the person on the other end knew I really didn't understand. It was when I said this to the crying lady on the phone that she got upset with me.

"How can you understand?" the woman said. "You don't even know what I'm going through."

I was going to apologize and use a different cut-and-paste sympathy, but she kept going.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose someone close to you?" She sniffled, her voice getting angrier, and my heart began to race. "Do you even have a clue what it feels like to have that part of you ripped out and stomped on and crushed?"

My eyes watered, and I realized that I truly did understand. I knew what she was talking about. I felt the same crushing force on my heart that always appeared when I thought of my dad. My stomach turned, and I tried to think of any way out of this.

"Do you know what it's like getting up every morning and praying today will be different? They'll be there today."

Images of running through the house, hoping to see him in the living room, flooded my mind. She kept rambling, crying and sobbing as she went, and I finally gave up. I threw off my headset and ran for the bathroom. I stayed there for fifteen minutes, crying for my dad as memory after memory washed over me. Memories of peanut butter and jelly picnics in the living room. Memories of coloring on my sketch pad while he drew pictures of my mother, his pictures always much better than mine. Memories of hugs and kisses and lullabies.

Even when I was afraid my heart would literally rip itself out of my chest, the memories kept coming. It was like I'd blocked them during the last week and now they were coming full force. Memories of dancing on his feet while he held my hands, the smell of his cologne, and the way we'd brush our teeth together every night.

My entire body was crying out in pain by the time the tears finally subsided. I lay on the floor and breathed, coming down and relaxing before I tried to get up. I felt boneless when I finally forced myself to stand back up and go back to work.

I wasn't back at my desk for ten minutes before my supervisor, Kelly, called me over to her desk.

"What happened?" she asked, a little perturbed, as she chewed bubblegum and pulled her brown hair back into a ponytail. "You were on a call, Renesmee; you can't just up and leave when you're on a call."

I sighed and nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I hoped.

She shook her head. "Now look, I don't want to do this, but I'm going to have to write you up. You just can't do that." She quickly signed a piece of paper and slid it across the desk to me. I quickly read it over―a verbal warning. I sighed again and signed the paper.

I went home that night feeling low. No matter how good I thought I was doing at ignoring comments around me, some were louder than others, and I'd raised a fuss when I left earlier. People had no qualms about speculating the reason. Of course, none of them were right, but it still hurt.

When I got home, I noticed I had a message on my answering machine. I furrowed my brow and hit the play button.

"Hey Nessie, it's Jake. I, uh… I was just wondering what you were doing this weekend. I finally got shit figured out and was wondering if you'd like to… I don't know… do something? I guess call me if you want."

My lips automatically pulled up into a smile, and I grabbed the phone before the message was done. I dialed his number, eager to hear his voice again. He answered after the fourth ring.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Jake. It's Nessie."

"Oh, hey! Yeah. Um, you got my message?"

I smiled involuntarily and nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Yeah, I did. I'm glad you got everything figured out."

"Yeah, that was a bitch. But I can complain about that later. How are you doing? Are they treating you okay at work?"

"Yeah, I guess. I try to ignore them, like you said." I decided I'd leave what had happened that day out of the conversation.

"Good, I'm glad. What are you doing this weekend?"

My heart fluttered. "No plans yet."

"Would you like to see a movie with me?"

"Yeah, that would be great. I don't really know what's showing; is there something you want to see?"

"Why don't we go around noon and we can just see what's playing?" I could hear the shrug in his voice.

"Okay."

We didn't talk much more on the phone. While I was desperate to talk to him, I didn't really have anything to say. I wanted to be with him and hear him speak, but I reminded myself every few minutes that I'd do just that the next day. After we hung up, I tried to find something to do until I could go to bed. It was fifteen minutes later that I decided, screw it; I'm going to bed anyway.

My dream that night was not one that ended with me screaming myself awake, but it always made me wish I could. I was standing in the middle of an empty hospital hallway. Some of the lights flickered while others were burnt out. It left only enough light to see around me and down the very long hallway. I heard my breathing and my heartbeat, but nothing else. I started walking, thinking to myself with every step to just stop. Walk the other way. Leave the hospital. But my feet wouldn't stop moving. They carried me further down the hallway.

No… stop… please…

But it was useless. I reached the end of the hall, and my hand reached out to touch the handle of the double doors there. I felt sick as I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

There were two people there, a man and a woman, standing next to a table in the middle of the room. The table was an exam table with a white sheet covering a body. Again I told myself to turn around and walk away before it was too late. But the dream could not be reasoned with.

"_Come in, Renesmee_," the man, Dr. Nicks, said. "_Come in and have a look_."

Dr. Peers, the woman, smiled a slow and sadistic smile as she leaned forward slightly, pulling the sheet back just enough.

My feet moved me forward, and I begged for anything to stop them. Please, God, not this.

Yes, this.

I reached the table and looked down. His face didn't look peaceful like everyone said a dead body should look. He didn't have any expression. His face was just as smooth and perfect as it had been when he was alive, but his skin had a grayish green hue to it that made my stomach turn. His piercing green eyes that used to be so alive and bright were now dull and unresponsive. My stomach clenched painfully, and I turned to my side to vomit on the floor.

I couldn't fall to the floor. I couldn't look away once I turned back. I could only stare into his eyes and know he wasn't seeing me. My tears fell, and I begged the dream to let me look away. Please…

I finally woke up to the sound of my alarm. I slapped the snooze button and curled myself around my pillow. I cried until the alarm went off again. That time, I flipped the switch and sat up, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I took a deep breath and sniffled, a different kind of ache in my bones as I stiffly climbed out of bed to start my day.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you think, if you feel so inclined to hit that review button.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	10. Hanging

A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter. Kind of, but not. You'll see. I own nothing.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Nine

Hanging

_Desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
Closer to where I started  
Chasing after you _

_I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you_

- Hanging by a Moment – Lifehouse

* * *

_**Jacob**_

Leaving Nessie on Saturday was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. It wasn't because it was going to be a few days at least before I could see her again… although that did upset me a little.

No, it was because I knew she was going to go to work, and I wouldn't be there to stare down anyone who wanted to mess with her. I wouldn't be there to kick someone's ass if they hurt her.

I tried to reason with myself; I was never there on Mondays and Thursdays anyway, and people had free reign to do what they wanted. But, the half-logical side of me said, everybody knew I'd be back. If Nessie and I really were together, she'd tell me if someone fucked with her and I'd fuck them up for it.

But eventually I did manage to tear myself away from her. I did it because I didn't think she'd feel very comfortable with me moving in right then. And because I had a lot of shit to take care of.

Work at the site on Sunday was easier, and I wondered if it was because I knew I was done with the damn call center. My thoughts often went to Nessie, and I wondered how she was doing. I told the foreman I'd be changing my schedule, and he cut me off before I could even finish.

"You'll have to go to the main office and talk to the contractor," he said briskly.

I just nodded. I didn't bother telling him I knew that already. I was trying to be courteous and let him know what would be happening. I'd gone through it all before when I had to change my schedule the first time.

So I went to the office on Monday only to find that Big Boss Man had taken a vacation and wouldn't be back until Thursday. _Motherfucker!_ Instead of hitting the secretary, I hit the door on the way out.

I wanted so badly to call Nessie on Tuesday, but I didn't because I wasn't sure how she'd feel about me calling just for the hell of it. I ended up helping Leah with some of her wedding preparations that she wanted a guy's perspective on. No matter how girly Sam made her feel, she didn't want a wedding drenched in pastel pink and white. I was happy to help anyway; it took my mind off of work. Not from Nessie, though.

"When are you going to see her again?" Leah asked.

I shrugged. "I have to get shit with work figured out first."

Leah nodded and handed me a soda. "Okay. Well, did you give her a timeframe or anything? Like in a week? A month? Next year?"

I rolled my eyes. "If it takes me a month, I'm going to kill something."

"So no timeframe. Well, you should just call her. Give her an update."

"Why are you so antsy for me to talk to her again?"

She just stared at me for a second, and her face told me everything I needed to know. She liked Nessie, but she wouldn't admit it. She finally shrugged and turned away from me.

"I have five different cakes picked out. Come look at these and tell me which one you like better."

I sighed and went to look at the cakes.

I was finally able to talk to the head honcho on Thursday, and it went well like I'd known it would. It was just getting time with him that was the issue. My new schedule was worked out through the rest of the project. At the rate we were going, it would be done in less than three months, and we'd start a new one with a new schedule. Fine by me; I was used to that.

I called Nessie on Friday, not surprised to get her voicemail. I left a message and prayed she called me back.

At six o'clock, she did. It was so damn good to hear her voice, even though it was sad. It was just part of that deep pain that I wanted to take for her. I didn't ask too many questions about work because I wanted to see her face when she told me she was okay. She couldn't lie to me any more than I could lie to Leah. I'd see it in her face or in her eyes if she was trying to downplay anything. And I didn't give a fuck that I wasn't working there anymore; I'd beat the shit out of anyone who so much as made her flinch.

She agreed to see a movie with me, and while I had a few ideas of what I might want to see with her, I wanted the final decision to be up to her.

I left to pick up Nessie on Saturday at eleven forty-five. I drove the familiar streets to her house and parked, waiting for just a second before I got out and went up to her door. I was surprised to find my hands shaking just a little when I rang the doorbell. I shrugged it off; there was absolutely no need to be nervous… it wasn't like this was a date or anything special by any means.

And yet it was. It was special because it was Nessie, and Nessie herself was special. I kind of rolled my eyes at myself; I sounded like a lovesick teenager. Nessie was… unique. She was delicate and required more care than others. That was what drew me in, I told myself. She was a modern damsel in distress, and, being a man, I wanted to rescue her. That was all.

I realized then that she hadn't answered the door. I rang the doorbell again, my thoughts on the present finally. I waited another five minutes before I knocked on the door and started getting antsy. Finally the door opened and I breathed a sigh of relief.

She kept her eyes down as she stepped back and let me come inside. She had her hair pinned back again the way I liked so much. I wanted to touch her, smell her, and hold her. She closed the door, but still didn't look up.

"Hey, Nessie," I said, my fingers itching to reach out to her.

She finally looked up, but she didn't meet my eyes. "Hi."

I sighed. Her torment was back, and it looked painful. Her eyes were a little unfocused and her voice was barely more than a whisper. I finally gave in and reached out to her shoulder.

"You okay?"

She sniffled delicately and nodded. "I'm fine."

She wasn't, but I didn't know why I'd expected any different answer. She was always fine when she was consumed with this pain.

"You ready to go?"

She nodded and grabbed a key off of the coffee table before following me out the door.

By the time we got to the theater, she seemed to have loosened up quite a bit. She smiled a few times and gave me her input on the available movie choices. We both shied away from the romantic comedy for obvious reasons. She seemed to withdraw just a little at the drama, so we decided on the horror show. It seemed safe, at least. I bought us popcorn and drinks and we finally made our way back to the theater. Nessie wanted to sit in the back, so we navigated our way past the seats and she settled herself in beside me. She smiled brightly before the lights dimmed, excited as she picked up a handful of popcorn.

The lights dimmed finally, and we sat through twenty minutes of previews. After each one, Nessie had some comment to make. Either it looked stupid or she'd like to see it someday. I agreed with everything she said and even added a few of my own comments.

The movie was pretty boring, all things considered. It had the standard setting of a group of horny teenagers and a deserted cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It even had the tried-to-be-spooky-but-failed campfire scene where some cocky know-it-all told the legend of the very reason behind the movie.

It started getting good halfway through when Nessie grabbed my arm. She hid her face in my shoulder when one of the horny teenagers got beheaded; fake blood spurting out like his insides had been pressurized with a hydraulic pump. I eventually put my arm around Nessie and she grabbed my shirt, hiding her face in my chest when something she thought was scary happened.

I could get used to this.

Eventually, the movie had to end. And when it did, Nessie pulled away from me smiling shyly. We left the theater with her ranting about the horny teenagers.

"Seriously, Jacob, that whole thing could have been avoided if that one guy hadn't been so stupid. Even if he didn't believe the legend, why would he go and pick on an ancient spirit like that?"

I chuckled. "What would have been the point of the movie if he had been a good boy and left it alone?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's beside the point. And what about that girl who just turned away when her friend was getting eaten? Oh my God, I wanted to smack her."

I laughed and put my arm around her as we walked to my car. She kept ranting, and I loved hearing her thoughts.

"Overall, did you enjoy the movie?" I asked when I opened the door for her.

She smiled and nodded as she sat down. When I got in my side, she turned to me.

"Thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

She blushed. "For letting me cling to you."

I touched her cheek. "You can always cling to me, Nessie."

"Did you think it was scary?"

I shrugged. "Not really, no. I mean, it was okay, but some of the special effects were stupid."

She furrowed her brow. "The special effects were the scariest part. Especially when that guy got ripped apart." She shuddered.

"That was the worst part of the whole movie. Didn't you notice the way everything just seemed to rip all neat and clean, or the way the blood spurted out twenty feet from his body? That wouldn't really happen."

She smirked at me. "No, I didn't really notice that. I was too busy hiding, remember? Besides, like you said, what would be the point of the movie if it was all realistic? Realistically, that thing would never exist."

I nodded. "Very true. What would you like to do now? Are you hungry?"

She seemed to think about that for a second. "I am, but I don't want you to think you have to buy me anything."

"I know I don't have to buy you anything. But I'd like to, if that's okay."

She met my eyes for a moment before she finally nodded. I smiled and took her to a drive through and went back to her house. I kind of wanted to take her back to my house, but I'd have to do some serious Nessie-proofing before I could do that. I had too many damn windows. I decided I'd work on that the next chance I got. Some heavy curtains should do the trick. But then I wondered…

"Can I ask you something?" I said as we ate in her living room. She turned to me and nodded. "About the blankets you have up here… Do you need to have the blankets up, or would it be safe for you with curtains?"

She took a breath and stared at one of the blankets for a long moment before she turned back to her food. She didn't look up at me as she answered. "Curtains would be okay, if they were thick and big enough to cover the whole window without letting any light through."

I nodded, although I wasn't sure she saw it. After a few more minutes, I went in for what I really wanted to know about her.

"How is work? Really?"

When she met my eyes, I had my answer. Her deep pain was powerful, and her eyes watered before she looked back down at the coffee table.

"It's fine."

Fine. Just like she was fine.

"Are you sure? Anyone giving you shit?"

She sighed. "No, nobody really ever talks to me unless they have to."

That made me feel like shit, too. At least when I was there, she had someone to talk to. I sighed. "You ignoring them okay?"

She nodded and met my eyes briefly. It was clear in her eyes that she didn't really want to talk about it, so I decided I'd change the subject for now. I'd talk to her again soon and maybe ease the truth out of her eventually.

"Tell me one thing about you that nobody else knows."

She met my eyes again, only this time they were curious and a little skeptical. She raised an eyebrow and took a drink of her soda before answering.

"When I was sixteen, I had a huge crush on my science teacher." A smile tugged at her lips, and I chuckled. "His name was Mr. Stevens, and he had a deep, sexy voice." She blushed, and it only made me laugh more.

"Science, Nessie? Why not the choir teacher or something more romantic?"

She smirked. "Because the choir teacher was a woman, and her voice was _not_ deep and sexy. What about you?" she asked when my laugh died down. "Something nobody else knows."

I had to think about that; Leah knew almost everything there was to know about me... except the really embarrassing stuff. But eventually I thought of something.

"In seventh grade, I wrote a note excusing myself from class and signed my dad's name. I spent that whole day walking around school grounds and getting into as much stuff as I possibly could without getting caught."

Her smile widened. "You skipped class only to stay at school?"

I shrugged. "I know; it was stupid. But hey, I was thirteen years old. It wasn't like I was going to be sneaking into any bars."

She nodded. "True. Still, I would have gone to the mall or something."

"That's because you're a woman. Malls do not meet the testosterone levels required by men to survive for long periods of time."

She laughed and pushed my shoulder.

"Now tell me something everybody but me knows," I said.

She thought about that for a second. "I don't think… I mean, I don't really know a lot of people, so nobody really knows anything about me." She met my eyes, and hers were a little embarrassed.

I nodded, determined to keep her from lingering on her embarrassment. "Okay, what about something that your family knows, but I don't know?"

She furrowed her brow, and I cursed myself for going there. If I did know anything about her, it was that she didn't like talking about her family. But before I could draw back my question and ask a different one, she answered.

"I have a terminal fear of spiders and ants, and really anything that could be considered a bug. My grandpa once had a glass case that he'd filled with some spiders he'd caught. They were all dead, of course, but I could never walk in the same room with that case. It would always make me think of all the bugs, crawling all over me." She shuddered and I rubbed her arm. I didn't really have anything to comment on that, so I went right into answering the same question.

"I work construction, which you know, but I was once offered a job as a contractor. I didn't take it, though, because I like to get my hands dirty."

Her brow furrowed. "Isn't a contractor the one that does the work?"

"No, the contractor hires the workers and provides materials and handles all the financing and crap. I didn't want to deal with any of that shit; I just wanted to rip things apart and build things."

She nodded. "Do you really like the work? Doesn't it get hot?"

I smirked. "Yeah, it gets really hot, especially when we start a new project and we're in the sun all day long. But I do really like it. I think I like destruction better than construction, but that's just because I get to smash things with a sledgehammer. And either way, it's a great way to take out my frustration. Nothing eases tension better than hammering the shit out of whatever you're working with."

"I'd like to see that someday," she said. She seemed to realize what she said, because she leaned forward and grabbed her drink again, keeping her eyes anywhere but on me. Instead of asking her about it, I asked another question.

"What's your very happiest memory?"

She met my eyes then and took a deep breath. She thought about something for a few long minutes until I saw her start to close up. Her jaw clenched and she closed her eyes. I changed direction.

"Happiest memory since you met me?"

A few seconds passed before she opened her eyes and looked up at me. "Today."

I smiled. "I like today, too."

"Is it your happiest memory?" she asked doubtfully.

I shrugged. "Since I met you."

"What about before then?"

I thought about that for a few minutes, carefully picking through memories for one that wouldn't hurt her.

"About three months after I met Leah, we went on a hiking trip to the Rocky Mountains. It was the middle of summer, but still it was kind of cold where we were. I made a fire and held her in front of me and we just talked all night long."

She stared at me for a long time again, just looking at me like she was trying to decipher some code. Finally she smiled a weak, forced smile.

"Do you love her?"

The question kind of surprised me. "I used to. Well, I used to think I did. We dated for a time, but we weren't meant to stay together. We broke it off about a year ago, and then she met Sam."

She nodded, and her smile was a little less forced.

We talked for a little while longer, and then I helped her clean up the mess from lunch. She insisted that I didn't need to, but I wasn't going to leave it for her. When I got ready to leave, I pulled her into another hug. I'd missed hugging her. She squeezed my waist like she'd done before, and I stared at her head. Her face was buried in my chest as I tentatively ran my fingers over her hair. It was soft and smooth like always, and I finally gave in. I lowered my head and gently kissed the top of hers.

When she pulled away, she didn't look upset. She smiled brightly at me, and I finally left.

My new schedule actually worked pretty well for making time to see Nessie and still have an otherwise social life. I worked Sunday and Monday like before and then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It had been a long time since I'd worked five days of construction a week. I was a little surprised to find myself exhausted at the end of the week.

Leah invited Nessie and me to dinner with her and Sam Sunday night. While I wanted to take her, I wasn't sure how she'd feel about something that so closely resembled a double date. In the end, she agreed and we'd had fun.

It was hell trying to convince Leah that it most certainly wasn't a date.

"You know I see through all that shit, right?" she said the day after we'd all gone out. "You like her, and if you had your way, it would have been a date."

I rolled my eyes. "Drop it."

"Why should I drop it? It's too much fun teasing you."

"Leah, I'm warning you. Drop it, or I'm going to get angry."

She growled playfully. "Jake mad!" she said, imitating the Incredible Hulk. I smiled in spite of myself. She did eventually let it go, though, and I was grateful.

My time spent with Nessie was always comfortable. She told me about work and how some days were better than others for her, but she never talked about her pain. I never expected her to, and every time she got that look in her eyes or that set in her jaw, I'd change the subject. She'd look at me gratefully and we'd continue on. I hugged her when I left, and I'd gotten into the habit of kissing her head each time.

I finally admitted to myself two weeks later that I did actually want to move further with Nessie. I wanted to ask her out on a real date and end our nights with a kiss on the lips. I wanted to tell her that I'd always be there for her and kiss her until she forgot about whatever was hurting her. I wanted it so much it hurt. But every time I thought I'd convinced myself to move forward, she'd show me she wasn't ready.

One time it was when we were with Sam and Leah; Leah kissed him passionately and Nessie turned her head. The look on her face was sad and a little embarrassed. Another time was when we talked about past girlfriends and boyfriends. She'd confessed to me that she'd never had a real boyfriend before. She'd tried once, but then she almost started crying when she told me how the fucker decided he wasn't interested when he saw her skin break out. I tried to tell her that I'd never do that, but she started to close herself off. I changed the subject.

So I decided I'd wait. I needed to give her more time and hopefully get her to open up instead of close off. I didn't expect her to just suddenly open up and never close off again, but I had hoped she would at least start talking to me a little bit here and there. I wasn't losing hope of that, but it was a little disappointing that even after six weeks I still knew as much about her pain as I did when I first met her.

I sighed to myself one Tuesday and gave in; I'd just have to talk to Leah and figure out what the hell to do. She was a woman. Maybe she really could help.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for reading.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	11. Broken

A/N: This chapter is one some of you may have been waiting for. I hope it meets expectations :) I don't own anything. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Ten

Broken

_I am damaged at best  
Like you've already figured out  
I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain is there healing?  
In your name, I find meaning  
So I'm holding on  
I'm barely holding on to you_

- Broken – Lifehouse

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I grumbled to myself as I sat at my desk on Friday, waiting for a phone call. Praying one never came. I'd gotten written up again; the third time since I was hired. Was it really my fault the stupid people on the other end of the phone kept reminding me of my dad?

Push the thought away. Don't think of it.

I sighed.

The last four weeks that I'd been on the phones had been a mixture of wonderful and horrible. Wonderful any and every time I got to see Jake and horrible when I was at work. The novelty that was me seemed to have died down a lot, but I'd still hear a few whispers after I'd have to run away from the phone call to keep from falling apart in the middle of the room.

I tried to keep my focus on Jacob every day that I was there. Jacob's voice, Jacob's arms, Jacob's… everything. I would gladly remember every part of him from his black hair to his huge feet. And sometimes, I would even smile through my pain.

Jacob was the rock in my very unstable life. Every time I was with him, I would talk and it felt so good to be able to focus on something other than my dad. He'd tell me about his life, and I'd tell him as much about mine as I could before I started feeling the crushing weight that told me I'd said too much. It never failed that once I started to feel that, Jacob would change the subject, and I wouldn't think about it anymore. Even if it seemed like he wanted to pry, he never did. He caught me every single time I started falling, and it was amazing.

My life was perfect.

Well, okay, it was far from perfect, but it was as perfect as my life could ever hope to get. Even if my supervisor didn't like me, I still had a job and a paycheck, and I could pay the bills and buy food easily. The taxes on the house still weighed over my head, but I was able to push that back and focus on more immediate needs. I even bought Jacob lunch once and he seemed happy about it. Not that he was ever unhappy when he bought me food, but it was still nice to do it for him for a change.

Every now and then, we'd do something with Leah. She was nice when I got to know her, and I loved hearing her and Jake talk back and forth. It was like watching two grown children. Leah seemed okay with me, too, which I was happy about. Sam kept his distance, but I wasn't sure if that was because he didn't like me or if it was just who he was. He never joined in the bickering between Leah and Jake, but he did step in between them once. It kind of surprised me. It was even more surprising to see Jacob back down. He told me later that day that Sam was very protective of Leah and didn't like it when his teasing got too close to home.

I nodded like I understood, but I really didn't.

I took three more phone calls before I was finally released to go home. I was excited and nervous, just biding my time until the next day when I could see Jake again. He had told me that we would be going to over to Leah's house for a while. It was a new development. When we did things with Leah and Sam, we went out somewhere. I didn't know what we'd be doing at Leah's, but I was eager to find out.

I woke up early on Saturday from another dream about my dad. I lay in bed for a long time to just think about him and cry. When my alarm went off at eleven, I wiped my eyes and forced myself to get up and shower.

Jacob would be there to pick me up at one, and I wanted to look nice for him again. He hadn't commented on my looks since the first time, but it still made me feel good to make myself up for him. I curled my hair after it was dry―just enough to add some bounce―and then applied a little bit of makeup.

I still never smiled at my reflection; even with all the makeup, I still looked horrible. The circles under my eyes were lighter and a lot less noticeable, but they were still there. My hair was still flat and stringy, even after all the mousse I put in it. So when I was done, I just went to the living room to find a book and wait it out until Jacob got there.

I looked up from my book when there was a knock at the door at twelve forty-five. I smiled to myself; I loved it when Jacob showed up early. It didn't happen often, and I didn't delude myself into thinking it was because he couldn't wait to see me, but I still loved it all the same. So I pushed myself up off the couch and all but danced to the door to swing it open.

My smile fell the instant I had the door open; it wasn't Jacob. A man in a gray suit with a tie and a goatee stood before me holding a clip board and a pen.

"Is Mr. Edward Masen here?" he asked in a professionally bored voice.

My heart rate spiked at the same time my chest crushed painfully. I took in a sharp breath and clutched the door.

All I could do was shake my head, even though I wanted to scream at this man that he was dead and how dare he even say that name?

He took a paper from the clipboard and handed it to me. "Would you give this to him please?"

I took the paper numbly and found myself nodding before I could even read what the paper said. He thanked me and turned around to walk briskly back to his car waiting in my driveway.

I stood there, staring at the place where his car had been, unable to move and unable to breathe. Edward Masen… how long had it been since I'd heard that name out loud?

My eyes closed, and I felt the choking sobs rising up in my chest. I swallowed thickly, and it hurt my throat.

Finally, I closed the door and moved back a few steps. I looked down at the paper the man had given me. I had two more months to pay the taxes before the house would be up for seizure.

I dropped the paper on the coffee table and stood there staring at it. Somehow, I knew that the months I'd been given should scare me. All I could feel was my heart being squeezed until it wanted to pop and my throat closing around sobs that were too shocked to even break through. I knew when they finally did, I'd fall hard, and I wouldn't come back up for a long time.

I stood there staring at the paper until another sound made me jump. The knock on the door was loud and obtrusive, and I wanted to hide to escape from it. But then I remembered Jacob.

Oh, God… Jacob.

I turned to the door, half unsure if I really wanted to answer it, and half wondering why the hell it wasn't open yet. My feet carried me numbly to the door, and my hand reached out to the doorknob. It felt strangely my dreams; my actions were already predetermined. I had no choice. And yet, somewhere deep inside me, I knew I didn't want to have a choice. I wanted to see Jacob. I wanted it so badly it added its own weight to my already burdened heart.

My throat closed tighter as the door opened, and I suddenly knew this had been a very bad idea. I'd have to run from him at any second to spare him of my breakdown.

"Hey, Nessie," he said happily. He was always happy. He hadn't gotten angry around me in a long time. His voice wasn't soothing like I thought it would be. It was, but it wasn't. I looked up and met his eyes. I realized when I did that the tears had already started. I wiped them away quickly, but of course he saw them.

"Are you okay?"

I tried to nod. I tried to tell him I was fine, but I couldn't. Something deep inside me reached out for Jacob, my rock. I didn't want to fall this time. He'd caught me every other time, couldn't he catch me now? I tried to say something to him, but my throat was so tight it was only a whimper. His hand reached out to my shoulder and everything inside me clutched at the contact like a life raft.

"Nessie?"

My chest and my throat were burning, the inevitable fall only getting closer. _Please, Jacob,_ I wanted to say. _Please catch me._

He moved me back and stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. He stared at me for a few seconds before he suddenly pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay, Nessie." His voice was soothing, but it felt like a knife stabbing me. It wasn't okay. It would never be okay.

The first sob was hard and fast and hurt so badly it made me whimper again. Jacob rubbed my back and made a comforting shush sound that only ripped more at my heart. The second sob hurt worse; my throat unable to fit it through. Then I was falling.

I felt Jacob's arms constricting around me, holding me up, and his fingers in my hair. I felt my fingers clutching the front of his shirt as if just holding him would physically prevent this from happening. I felt his chest under my face as I pushed myself closer to him. I felt it all, but I felt nothing.

I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt my body gasping in air, but there wasn't any relief. I was ripped in half over and over again as the name echoed in my mind with memories and pain. I remembered the way he would laugh at some silly thing I'd said or done, or how he would get so mad when I did something stupid like sneak out of school only to end up at home with a rash.

I would give anything to hear him yell at me again.

Somewhere in my blurred conscious, I felt movement. Jacob was all around me and under me, and I clung to him tighter.

I didn't know how long I cried, but Jacob's arms never loosened. When I finally started coming back, I realized that he had moved to the couch, and I was on his lap. I didn't pull back or even move much at all, but I did take a few deep breaths. I was thankful that I could finally breathe again. Even after I'd calmed down a bit, Jacob's arms never faltered in their grip on me. He alternated between rubbing my back and petting my hair, still making soothing sounds. I sniffled and thought about wiping my face, but I knew it would be useless.

I cringed then, thinking about what I'd just done to Jacob's shirt. I didn't want to, but I forced myself to pull back and look at the shirt. I cringed again; it was soaked with tears and snot and probably even drool.

"Jake..." What else could I say?

He smiled a half-smile and wiped my cheek with his thumb.

"Feel better?" he asked softly.

I sniffled again and realized that I did feel better. So much better. My chest felt light, and I could breathe so clearly. My muscles were still tight and it hurt my neck to move, but I would take the muscle pain over the other pain any day. I nodded a little stiffly.

I picked at the soaked shirt. "I'm sorry—"

He immediately shook his head. "Don't worry about that; it's washable."

I nodded and laid my head back down on his shoulder. It felt too good to move now. He didn't seem to mind; his arms tightened around me again, and I felt a hand in my hair. We were silent for a few long moments before he brought his head down and kissed the top of mine.

"What happened?"

I drew in a deep, clear breath and let it out slowly. I knew I needed to tell him something. People don't cry like that for no reason. He'd avoided subjects that hurt me without knowing why they did and never once pried. He deserved to know. And I could tell him. Couldn't I?

Yes, I could.

I started on the day my life ended.

_It was ten o'clock in the morning on a Thursday, and he was upset that I hadn't gone to school that day. _

"_Oh my God, you are such an ass!" I yelled through my door. _

"_Renesmee Anne Masen, you do not talk to me like that. I am your father. Come out here right now." He had that tone that warned me he would break down the door if he had to._

_I rolled my eyes and got up off my bed. I stalked to the door and flung it open. I glared at him, and he glared right back._

"_You know, I don't understand why you are making such a big deal about this. It's not like I'm not going to graduate," I said, trying to keep from yelling. I knew we wouldn't actually be fighting if I wasn't in such a pissy mood, but I couldn't help it. He was making a huge deal out of something that meant very little to me._

"_That isn't the point, and you know it. You might have enough credits to graduate, but you won't be able to walk out in front of all of your friends and get your diploma." He crossed his arms in front of him and looked at me with his green eyes on fire._

"_What friends, Dad? I don't have any fucking friends." I walked past him to go into the kitchen._

"_Watch your language, Renesmee," he threatened. _Ooh, scary._ "If you would go to school, you might make some."_

"_Yeah, dad. I've gone to school in the past, remember? I'd done everything I needed to do and everyone just forgot about me when they found out I couldn't do things with them like normal kids. I don't even fucking exist to them anymore!" Tears welled in my eyes and I glared at him again. He couldn't say anything because he'd always been the popular type. He'd had friends before he met my mother; he'd had people who cared about him. But what about me? I had my dad. That was it._

"_Well, did you ever try?"_

_I just rolled my eyes. He knew what my condition did to people. He'd told me several times how my mom had struggled to deal with it. All those friends he'd had stopped talking to him when he got involved with her. I would have thought that would have given him a clue that it wasn't something most people were willing to overlook._

"_What do I have to do to get you to go to school?" he demanded._

"_You can't do anything, dad. I'm going to get my diploma when the school year ends. What the hell is the point of suffering through all that?"_

"_How about this? If you don't go to school, I will take your away college fund."_

_I gasped. He couldn't _do_ that. It was _college_. He wanted me to go to college, right? As I stared at him, I knew he was serious. And I was suddenly furious._

"_Fuck you," I spat. I stomped out the door before he could stop me. I walked down to the library where I liked to go to think._

_A few hours later, I went back home. I was a little calmer, and I knew I had to apologize for the things I'd said to him. We were both being irrational, but I knew we could work out some kind of agreement. I could go to a few classes a day if he would let me get away with not going to all of them. _

_When I got home, the house was empty. I called out to him, but he didn't answer. I found a note from him on the counter._

Nessie -

I'm sorry for what I said. I'd still like you to go to school, but we'll talk about that later. I'm going for a drive. Be back soon. Love you.

- Dad

_I didn't start worrying until four o'clock. When he took a drive, he was like me when I went to the library. He'd go somewhere to sit and think for a few hours and then come back. I told myself everything was fine and I was just overreacting. I called his phone to reassure myself that he was okay, but it went straight to voicemail. I must have really hurt him._

_At four thirty, I started calling his cell phone every ten minutes._

_At five o'clock, the phone finally rang, and I answered after the first ring, assuming was him._

"_Dad," I answered, relieved._

"_Hello, my name is Doctor Gary Nicks. Is this Mrs. Masen?" He sounded a little winded_

"_Um, no… Miss Masen. Edward is my dad," I answered, confused._

"_Is Mrs. Masen available?"_

_What the hell? "No, she died a long time ago. What's going on?"_

_The man sighed. "There has been an accident, and a man was brought in. He had no identification, but the car is registered to Edward Masen and this number is listed as 'home' in the cell phone. Can you come to St. Joseph's Hospital right away?" _

_Doctor… Hospital… I felt sick to my stomach. "What happened to my dad?" I asked in a strangely calm voice. I took a deep breath to try to calm my nausea._

_There was a pause. "He's been in a car accident. Can you come right away?"_

_It took a moment for me to understand what he was saying. When it hit, I dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom. It had to be a joke. Some really sick, twisted joke. I promised I would never, ever talk to my dad like that again. Just give me a chance to make it right…_

_I didn't bother to pick up the phone as I threw a jacket on and ran out the door. No car meant I had to walk. My condition was always worse when I was upset. In the hour it took me to get to the hospital, my hands and face felt like I'd been in the sun for two. I itched all over with red patches already starting to show on whatever skin wasn't covered. I told the lady at the front desk that I'd gotten a call from Dr. Nicks. It took her a minute to find it, but she paged Dr. Nicks and told me to have a seat._

_Fuck sitting. I paced. My skin was crawling, and I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to tell myself it wasn't serious―that he was going to be just fine. But then my logical side piped in and reminded me that the hospital probably wouldn't call me if he was able to walk away. _

_A few minutes later, an older man with white hair came out into the waiting room with a middle-aged blonde woman._

"_Ms. Masen?" he asked._

_I turned to him and my heart sped up so much it hurt. I nodded. _

"_I'm Dr. Nicks and this is Dr. Peers. Please come with us." I followed without a word._

"_You don't have to linger, we just need to confirm that you know him. He didn't have any identification other than the phone and car registration, but those are easily stolen."_

_I nodded and let myself hope that someone had stolen my dad's phone and car and gotten into an accident with them. There was only one problem with that―I still didn't know where my dad was. _

_We walked into a room with six tables set up, two of them empty. I stopped in my tracks. I had assumed that he would be in a hospital room; maybe unconscious, but alive. If this person was in here… My stomach churned again. My dad was not in this room. I chanted it to myself. He wasn't here. He was at home at that moment, wondering where I was and cursing the man that stole his phone. I forced my feet forward and followed the doctors._

_Dr. Nicks stopped at one of the tables and turned to me. "I'll just pull the sheet down and you can nod or shake your head to confirm or deny, okay?"_

_I nodded and stared down at the white form on the table. It wasn't my dad. It wasn't my dad._

_The sheet was pulled away from the man's face and I stared for a few seconds before I turned away. I hunched over and threw up again on the floor._

_It wasn't my dad… fuck… it wasn't my dad… If I thought it enough times, it might make it true._

_"Ms. Masen?"_

_I heaved again. Dr. Peers patted my back gently while standing far enough away that she wouldn't be hit with spatter. _

_After a few minutes, I stood back up and looked at the man on the table again. The bronze hair, green eyes, high cheek bones, and square jaw line were all unmistakable. I couldn't say the words that would tell them who he was, so I just nodded my head and wiped my mouth as Dr. Peers patted my back again. _

_Before the sheet was drawn back up, I reached out a hand to touch him. His skin was clammy, and it made me shiver. "Daddy," I whispered. "I'm sorry." _

_Dr. Nicks pulled the sheet back up, and they both guided me back out of the room. Before I could leave, I had to fill out some form that told them who he was. They mentioned something about running dental scans for further identification._

"_Do you need a ride home?" Dr. Peers asked over an hour later. In a haze, I nodded. She called a taxi for me and paid the fare, and soon I was on my way back home. _

_I walked into the house and looked around. Nothing looked right. It was like everything was changed around just barely enough to notice that something was off, but not enough to put my finger on it. I went numbly to my room, climbed onto my bed and lay down, closing my eyes. This was all a nightmare, I told myself. When I woke up in the morning, everything would be back to normal. I would be able to apologize for real and he would hug me. He'd look at me with that disapproving yet loving look that he was so famous for when I got in trouble. He'd sing me to sleep and I wouldn't have this nightmare again._

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading. I'd love to hear what you think.

SheeWolf85 on Twitter.


	12. Can't Make it On Your Own

A/N: I love my readers so much. I was a little bit nervous about that last chapter, but all I got was an amazing response. I am surprised at how invested my readers are in these characters. It makes me happy to know that you are all as attached to them as I am :)

Many of you are getting impatient for Jacob to kiss the girl. I totally get that. I wanted them to kiss, too. They had other plans. Don't expect it in this chapter. The story is far from over, though, so don't give up yet.

Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Eleven

Can't Make it On Your Own

_You don't have to put up a fight  
You don't have to always be right  
Let me take some of the punches  
For you tonight  
Listen to me now  
I need to let you know  
You don't have to go in alone  
_- Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own – U2

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I got up on Saturday, excited and nervous for the day. I left to get Nessie at the usual time and tried to convince myself that I was just nervous about what Leah was going to do.

I'd talked to Leah about Nessie, and could hardly believe how good it felt to confess my feelings to another breathing person. Of course, Leah had already seen through me. She was just waiting for me to grow a backbone and admit it. After I did talk to her, though, she surprised me by actually understanding why I didn't want to just ask Nessie out before she was ready and destroy the whole thing. She offered her help in finding out if Nessie was ready for that by telling me to bring her over on Saturday and we'd have lunch or whatever and just talk. I had a feeling Leah had something up her sleeve, and I made her promise she'd take it easy on the girl. Nessie hadn't done anything wrong.

I was used to having to knock a few times before Nessie answered, so I knocked once and waited a few minutes before I knocked again. I was also used to seeing her so beautiful when she finally did answer. Over the weeks, she had grown more and more attractive. I wasn't sure it wasn't just me, but it seemed she lost some of the darkness under her eyes, her hair seemed to shine more, and she just overall looked more gorgeous.

This day was no exception. When she answered, her hair had been done a little differently and it hung down her back in perfect waves. I greeted her and waited for her to say something back. Smile, or meet my eyes with her sad ones, or even just step back to let me in. I was prepared for a variety of reactions. Except the one she gave me.

She just stood there, staring down for a few seconds. When she finally did look up at me, she had tear tracks down her cheeks. And the look in her eyes… If I thought I'd seen her in pain before, then I knew absolutely nothing about pain. The desolation I saw in her eyes scared the hell out of me.

She brought a hand up to wipe her face clumsily. It was a hurried, jarring action. Like she wasn't sure exactly how to carry out the movement, so she was just working on guesses.

"Are you okay?" _Please don't tell me you're fine_, I pleaded in my head.

She looked like she was going to try to say something. Her mouth opened, but all I heard was a soft whimper. Something was terribly wrong. I put my hand on her shoulder like I'd done so many times, but this time I wasn't sure it was just for comfort. She looked like she could literally fall apart at any second.

"Nessie?"

She met my eyes again and the utter desperation there broke me. Something inside me urged me forward, pushing her back gently so I could close the door. I didn't know what to do, so I just pulled her close to me and said the first words that came to my mind.

"It's okay, Nessie."

She sobbed once, and it hurt me. She grabbed my shirt and pushed her face into me so hard I was afraid she'd hurt herself. I only held her tighter. Her entire body shook with her sobs and her gasps made my eyes water. It hurt so fucking badly to see her like this. I wanted to know what hurt her so I could have some target I could protect her from.

Her knees had given out on her, and she started to slip. It wasn't easy holding her upright even as light as she was. I picked her up and took her to the couch where I could hold her closer. She grabbed me tighter and sobbed harder as I tried to stay calm. As much as I wanted to deny it, I knew there was a good chance that this had nothing to do with people at work or even people at all. It could be a part of her pain that she suffered every single day of her life. I didn't know what the hell I would do if that was the case. I wanted to kill something for making her cry like this.

She cried for thirty minutes before the tears finally began to subside. It was a gradual process, starting with her sobs. They were less frequent, less demanding. They didn't shake her body so hard. Then she could breathe a little easier. I didn't say anything; I just held her until she pulled back a little.

She looked at my shirt for a second before looking up to meet my eyes. Hers were red, puffy, and bloodshot, but so bright and clear. She was breathtaking.

"Jake…" Her voice was little more than a raspy whisper, and I offered a small smile.

"Feel better?" Just the look in her eyes said she did. She nodded.

Her fingers picked at my shirt and I almost groaned at the sticky, wet fabric clinging to my skin.

"I'm sorry," she said, picking at the shirt again.

It might have felt gross against my skin, but I wasn't going to let her feel bad for it. "Don't worry about that; it's washable."

She nodded and lay back against me, her head resting on my shoulder away from the wet spot. I just held her and ignored the sick and twisted side of my brain that loved the weight of her body in my lap. She needed comfort, not for me to start groping her. As much as my fingers wanted to stray down her side to her hip, I kept them in line by rubbing her back and petting her hair. I loved her hair anyway, so it was a little easier to tame myself there.

I pushed all those thoughts away and kissed her head. "What happened?" I asked. I thought of several people from the call center that I would gladly kill for her.

She took a breath, and her fingers splayed themselves out over a dry spot on my shirt before she started talking. Her voice was weak and broke in odd places, but I listened carefully. As she told me what had happened to her father, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be relieved that nobody had hurt her or pissed off that I didn't have a target.

Everything about her made more sense now. Every time she started to close herself off, she was fighting those tears. I had been right; it was grief that caused her pain. Grief so hard and deep and unforgiving that it literally consumed her. And, although she never said it directly, I had a feeling that she blamed herself.

I closed my eyes and held her tighter. I wished to God there was a way I could take all of her pain for her. She told me about seeing her dad's body in the morgue and how she refused to believe it for a week afterward. I could only imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and that person you love is gone. I had time to prepare myself for my dad's death. What would I have done if he'd never been sick and it was quick and unexpected?

I listened as she explained how she'd handled all the paperwork. She'd gone on autopilot, she said. Just signing when someone said sign, and never answering any question with more than a quick nod or shake of her head. Even when I had been expecting my dad's death, it wasn't much different dealing with all the legal shit afterward. It was all done in a haze. You know what's happened, but it isn't reality. You're dreaming, so you do what they tell you to do with the thought that you're going to wake up anyway.

She told me how she couldn't make herself leave the house to go to his funeral. I rubbed her back and hoped that somehow I brought something like comfort.

She changed her course after she told me about missing his funeral. She told me about the man that had come by that day, just a few minutes before I got there, and asked for Edward Masen. She flinched when she said his name, and I kissed her hair again. She told me how she was in a kind of shock until I showed up.

She fell silent then, sniffling occasionally, as her fingers played with the neckline of my shirt and her head rested lightly on my shoulder. I continued to hold her, unwilling to break this now that I finally had it.

It wasn't until my phone rang with a text message that I realized just how long we'd been on the couch. It had been over an hour since she stopped crying. I ignored the text and kissed her head again.

"Nessie?" She sniffled and hummed but didn't raise her head. "Will you promise me something?"

Her fingers picked harder at the neckline and she nodded. "What is it?"

"Will you promise me that you will come to me if you need anything? I promise I will always be here for you."

I ran my fingers through her hair and she finally looked up. Her eyes were still clear, but they were so tired. She stared at me for a long moment before she finally nodded.

"I promise."

I smiled down at her. "Thank you."

She attempted a smile, but it was weak. She laid her head back down and we were quiet again for a while. I tried to think of something I could do to help her. I had to trust that she really would come to me like she said she would, but I wanted more than that. I wanted to take her pain away for good. Her fingers had stopped fidgeting, and she was so still against me that I wondered if she'd fallen asleep. Just as I was about to check, I heard her voice.

"Thank you, Jake."

I squeezed her gently. "Anytime, Nessie. I mean that."

"Leah's probably wondering what black hole we fell into on our way."

I chuckled. "Probably. But she'll forgive us; don't worry."

She nodded stiffly and finally sat up. "Do you still want to go over there?"

I was a little surprised that she was willing to do that for me. "Only if you do. Please don't feel like you have to do anything; I don't mind hanging out here with you for a bit." Leah could go to hell if she wanted to be upset about it. I knew she wouldn't be, though.

Nessie took a deep breath and looked down for a minute. "I think… I would like to go. I want to get out of the house."

I nodded; of course she'd want to get away from here. "Yeah, sure, that's fine. Do you want to clean up first?"

She brought a shaky hand up and wiped her face futilely before she nodded. "Yeah, probably."

She climbed off of my lap and I held onto her hips as she steadied herself. I had to force my eyes away from her ass. I wasn't sure if I was disappointed or not when she was able to steady herself quickly and turned to smile at me. I stood up beside her and touched her shoulder before she walked away to clean herself up.

I sighed and picked at my shirt; the cold, wet, and sticky sensation was really starting to gross me out. Even if it was Nessie that caused it, I still didn't like it. I sighed and tried to ignore it as I got my phone out of my pocket and checked the message that had come in. It was Leah, asking me where we were. Instead of texting back, I just called her.

"Where the hell are you?" she asked in her I'm-more-worried-than-mad voice.

"Calm down, Leah. I'm at Nessie's. She needed someone to talk to, so I stayed here for a bit."

"Oh. Is she okay?" She sounded concerned.

"Yeah, she's okay. You still want us to come over?" I looked up to see Nessie coming into the room in a new shirt. It was dark blue and went well with her light skin tone. Her face had been cleaned and redone, and her hair had somehow managed to keep the waves that fell down her back. She was still beautiful. She came close to me, and I reached out to touch a wave of her hair.

"Yeah, sure. I have nothing better to do anyway. We could watch that movie you wanted to see the other day."

I smirked to myself. Leah had gotten a new movie I wanted to see but I'd been busy. It was supposed to be scary, and I wondered if Nessie would cling to me like she did in the movie theater the first time I took her.

"I'll talk to her about it."

"Okay, you do that. See you in a few."

I ended the call and turned to Nessie. "You look nice."

She looked a little surprised, and she blushed hard. I almost laughed, but somehow I wasn't sure that would help her any.

"Um, thank you. I guess."

"I'm sorry; I wasn't trying to embarrass you. I really do think you look nice. I like your hair like this."

She smiled a small, shy smile. "Thanks." Her eyes strayed down and her brow furrowed. "I really am sorry about your shirt."

I shrugged and tried not to wince when the fabric started to peel away from my skin. "It's really not a big deal."

"It can't be comfortable," she countered.

I sighed. "Would it bother you if I took it off?"

Her eyes widened, and I felt like shooting myself in the foot. What the hell was I thinking? But she surprised me.

"Um, no. No, it wouldn't bother me. You can take it off if you want." She stared at the wet spot for a second before she looked down.

For a brief moment, I wondered if she was just saying that to make me more comfortable. But then I sighed; I had to trust her. If she said it was okay, then it was okay. I took the neckline and stripped the shirt off. The way it peeled off of my skin reminded me all the times I'd peeled snails off of the side of my house as a kid. It felt like I should see sticky strands of slime connecting me and the shirt. Of course, there weren't any. My Nessie wasn't slimy.

My Nessie.

I cleared my throat to push that thought away and wiped my chest down with the shirt. I noticed her looking at me, and when I met her eyes, she blushed and looked away.

I took her hand and we left.

Leah wasn't surprised to see me without a shirt. She saw me shirtless almost every time we worked on the site together. She smacked my chest as we walked in the house.

"It's just not possible for you to go one whole day without removing your shirt, is it?"

I chuckled. "You know you like it."

Leah rolled her eyes, and I noticed Nessie blushing again. I smiled to myself.

We went downstairs where Leah had her entertainment center set up, and she held up the movie she'd mentioned earlier.

"Oh, yeah…" I took the movie and held it out to Nessie. "You wanna watch this?"

She took the DVD and flipped it over to look at the back. She looked back up at me uncertainly. "This doesn't look like the effects will be as stupid as the one we watched," she said softly. But I got it; she was afraid she'd get too scared. I just shrugged.

"Remember you can cling to me all you want. Even if I don't have a shirt." I smiled, and she handed the case back.

"Okay."

It wasn't hard to tell that Nessie liked my chest. Every few minutes, I'd find her staring at me. When she'd meet my eyes, she'd blush. I had an overwhelming urge to strut for her every single time I found her eyes on me.

Leah set up the movie while I grabbed some blankets for Nessie and me. I ran upstairs to grab something to eat while we watched the movie. Leah didn't have much, but I scrounged what I could and took it back down. Leah was sitting in her recliner with three remotes around her and Nessie was sitting Indian-style on the couch next to the blankets. I handed a bowl of popcorn to Leah and gave everything else to Nessie so I could get us situated on the couch. Once I spread the blanket out, Nessie planted herself so close to me she was almost on my lap. I smirked to myself and put my arm around her shoulders to pull the blanket up.

Once we were ready, I nodded once at Leah and she started the movie.

I usually preferred movies that let the suspense build until at least the middle. In this one, the blood and guts started spilling within the first few minutes. It was alright, but not my favorite. I changed my mind the instant Nessie turned her head and hid her face in my chest. I definitely liked the movie.

Nessie jumped twice as many times during this movie and once she even reached up as if she was going to grab my shirt. There was no shirt for her to grab, and her nails scraped harshly across my skin. It stung a little, and I was surprised at the bolt of lust that shot through me. Nessie immediately apologized and grabbed the blanket, but I assured her it was fine. I wanted to tell her I wouldn't mind if she did it again. And again. All over me.

I glanced over at Leah to find her smirking in my direction. It was enough to remind myself to cool it. I took a deep breath and rubbed Nessie's back.

When the movie was over, we talked about it for a while. Leah and Nessie had differing opinions on one of the main female characters, and it was interesting to watch them banter back and forth, debating their views.

"I think she should have died," Leah said. "The little whore should have been the first to go."

Nessie wrinkled her nose. It was adorable. "I liked her, though. I'm glad she survived."

"How, though? How did she survive? It's not like she was smarter than the others. She was brunette and dumber than the blonde chick. And she slept with almost everyone in the dorm, including the women."

Nessie glanced up at me and licked her lips. "Help me out here, Jake."

I chuckled. "She survived 'cause she had nice tits."

Both Nessie and Leah glared at me.

"What? The only reason she lived is because the hackers couldn't bear to destroy such perfect boobs." I stated it as a fact, because, honestly, if I was the maniacal killer in the movie, I wouldn't have been able to hack those things up.

"What about the blonde girl?" Leah questioned. "Hers were bigger."

I took a drink before I answered. "Yeah, but hers were fake. Nobody cares about fake."

Nessie blushed and Leah laughed. "How can you tell they were fake?"

"I'm a guy; we know these things." I shrugged like it was built into my DNA or something. Truthfully, the blonde's boobs were just too perfect to be real. And I was a little scared of tits that took up a whole half of the girl's body mass.

"I don't buy it," Leah said, standing up. "Nessie, come here a sec."

Nessie got up a little nervously to stand by Leah. Leah made her stand straighter. When I realized what she was about to do, I almost got up and yelled at her. But then the twisted side of me said that this was a perfect opportunity to ogle Nessie in a way I couldn't do in any normal situation.

I felt like a complete pervert as I kept my mouth shut and let Leah do what she wanted.

"So, Jake," Leah said, turning Nessie and herself to face me. "Let's say one of us had fake boobs. How would you tell?" Nessie blushed so hard I almost felt bad for her.

I sighed. "You know neither of you do." I told myself I'd let this go on for a few more minutes and then I'd cut it. Nessie looked a little uncomfortable.

"Well duh. But how would you tell?" Leah stood up straighter and put her arm around Nessie. Nessie was still looking down, her face permanently red.

I stood up, pretending to think about my answer as I just stared at Nessie's tits. I'd never really given myself an option to look at her before, and so I'd never really noticed how flawless hers really were. In all actuality, she could put the brunette from the movie to shame.

I cleared my throat, suddenly uncomfortable. I couldn't tell Leah to leave the room, and I couldn't stare at Nessie properly with company.

"I'd just know, Leah. You done?"

Leah's smile fell, and I saw in her eyes she knew I was done. She smiled again. "Yep, all done." She released Nessie who came up to me shyly, staring intently at the floor.

Leah took the bowls from our popcorn upstairs. I put my hand under Nessie's chin to get her to look at me.

"You okay?" I asked. Her face was calming down; it wasn't quite as red now.

"Yeah, I just… Um…"

"No, it's okay. You don't need to explain. I'm sorry for that, though; Leah will be Leah." Like it was all Leah's fault.

She smiled a little, and I knew she was okay. "Leah will be Leah," she agreed.

We left not long after that, and I took Nessie home. I followed her up to her house and she stepped back to let me in. It felt nice knowing she wasn't upset with me about the whole boob issue. I really did feel bad for looking at her like that; like she was nothing more than a pair of tits. A pair of really fine, perfectly round tits.

I shook the thoughts out of my head as she closed the door behind us.

"Thank you for taking me with you, Jake." She took a step closer to me, and I held out my arm. She smiled and pushed herself into me. It felt nice.

"You're welcome, Nessie. Thank you for coming with me." I kissed the top of her head. God, I wished I could kiss her lips. She looked up at me, and I decided I'd do it. I touched her hair and started to lean down when she stepped back and looked down.

"I had fun. Although… I think, maybe…"

As much as I wanted to kiss her, I wasn't going to push her. I settled for running my thumb over her jaw. "You think maybe what?"

"I think maybe you should wear a shirt if I ever watch another scary movie with you. I left marks." She reached up and gently touched me where she'd accidentally scratched me earlier.

I looked down and, sure enough, there were three dark red marks there where her fingers were. I just shrugged. "It honestly doesn't hurt. I wouldn't have known they were there if you hadn't said something. But, if you would feel better, I'll make sure I stay dressed next time." I grinned at her and she blushed lightly, giving me a shy smile.

"Thank you."

I squeezed her gently. "Call me if you need anything, Nessie," I said softly. "I mean that; anything at all."

She met my eyes for a minute before nodding. "Okay."

I left shortly after and went home. I stared in the mirror for a long time, just inspecting the marks Nessie had left. I wouldn't tell her yet, but she'd left marks on me that ran much deeper than the tiny welts from her fingernails.

I berated myself again for how I'd acted earlier. How could I have been so insensitive? I'd made her so uncomfortable. Was that really how I was going to show her that I could give her what she needed? I sighed and finally turned away from the mirror. I got ready for bed and set my pill bottle on the table to remind myself I needed a refill before long.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you think :)


	13. Rise

A/N: So I realized that my last author note made it sound like I was upset about the "kiss her" reviews. I'm not upset at all; I love that you are all so ready for them to be there :) I was amused because I had actually planned for them to kiss in that chapter (in my very first outline), but Nessie rebelled against me when I wrote it.

I am really in love with this chapter. You may or may not agree with me... either way, it is a turning point in the story. Get ready to learn more about Jake than you might want to know.

I don't own anything :D Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twelve

Rise

_Call your name everyday when I feel so helpless  
I've fallen down but I'll rise above this doubt_

- Rise Above This – Seether

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I was mere weeks away from turning twenty years old, and yet I felt like my sixteen-year-old self when Mr. Stevens smiled at me and gave me an A in science with his sexy, deep voice. I shivered and beamed in the best possible way on Sunday as I sat on my couch and just thought about the day before.

Saturday had been both the very best day of my life and one of the very worst. All in one, and all because of one man: Jacob Black.

I considered it a miracle that I didn't lose Jake after I broke down on him and confessed what ate at me every day. Instead of walking out on me, he only made me promise to go to him if I needed him. I was so relieved that I promised without really thinking about it.

Watching the movie at Leah's was both amazing and terrible. I gave the movie major credit for scaring me even when I had Jacob's bare chest right under my face. I'd always known he was a big, strong guy, but _seeing_ it was something completely different. I often found myself staring at his pecs and his abs. When he caught me looking, I blushed. I honestly had never blushed so much in my whole life. I hated it, because he smirked every time my face turned red. That smirk was proof he thought it was amusing.

After the movie, Leah and I got into our first argument. I liked the snappy brunette and was happy she'd survived. Leah thought she should have died. I had looked to Jake for help, and it might have been a mistake. He was a guy; it shouldn't have surprised me that he noticed things like the girls' breasts. But it did surprise me, and it hurt. It hurt because I wanted him to notice mine, and I wasn't even sure why. I knew he never would, and I told myself over and over again that that was okay. I didn't need Jacob to notice my body because we were friends, and friends didn't do things like that.

Leah made it nearly impossible to shove the thoughts away when she made me stand near her and asked Jake how he would know if either one of us had fake boobs. I hated her in that moment. I felt so inadequate, especially when she jutted out her chest to make her breasts appear larger than mine. I wanted to hide and never come out again.

I was grateful when we finally left and Jake brought me back home. I relaxed a little bit when it was just Jake and I. It wasn't until he hugged me that I noticed three red lines on his chest. I had felt terrible at the time, but he said it hadn't hurt. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of those scratches. I'd marked him. He was—

No, he wasn't mine. He wouldn't ever be more than my friend. But I was still happy about the marks.

* * *

Would there ever come a time when I would say enough was enough and tell my supervisor where to shove her damn papers? Would I ever be brave enough to do that? No, probably not.

I had to sign another damn write up on Tuesday. It wasn't because I'd left my desk, though. For a change. This time it was because I'd clocked in late the day before and forgot to clock out when I left. I didn't argue; I just signed on the line.

Kelly narrowed her eyes at me when she took the paper back. "We're going to have to work on our attendance," she said with a sickeningly sweet voice like I was child. I rolled my eyes behind her back. "Why do you think you were late?"

I sighed deeply and shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I left a little later than I should have, and maybe I walked slower."

"Maybe you should think about getting yourself a car?" She didn't look at me as she said this.

"I don't have enough money for that, although that's none of your business." I was already in a foul mood. Signing write-ups was not something I enjoyed doing, but signing them while talking to Kelly was sure to get me angry.

She turned in her chair to look at me, disbelief written clearly on her face. "You really shouldn't talk to your supervisor like that, Renesmee."

I shrugged. "You really shouldn't make assumptions you have no business making."

She glared at me for a second. "You can go back to your desk now, but I'm going to talk to Chris about your attitude."

I didn't respond to her; I just went back to my seat.

The rest of the day wasn't much better. By the time I finally got home, I was so ready to cry because of my job and all the people who I really, truly hated.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I picked up the phone and dialed Jacob's number. I hadn't talked to him since Saturday, and he had made me promise to call him if I ever needed anything. And I just really needed to hear his voice.

"Hey, Nessie," Jacob answered. I closed my eyes and took a breath.

"Hey, Jake." Even though he'd made me promise, I was still unsure if it was okay to call him like this.

"How are you?"

"I'm… okay, I guess. I'm sorry for just calling like this, I just… I needed…" I couldn't finish.

"No, Nessie, it's fine. Are you okay?"

I sniffled once and realized it would give away my tears. I had to tell him. I let out a shuddering breath and spoke. "I just had a bad day at work, and I needed to hear your voice. I hope that's okay." I closed my eyes and sat down on the couch.

"Of course it's okay, Nessie. This is what I meant when I asked you to call me if you ever needed anything. Did anyone hurt you?"

"No, no one hurt me. I got written up, though. And then Lauren and her groupies were in the break room at lunch. I shouldn't be upset; I know it's childish, but they kept looking at me and laughing." I had never wanted to strangle anyone so badly in my life.

"Why did you get written up?"

I grumbled. "Because I was late yesterday and forgot to clock out."

"Well, that's stupid. They shouldn't write you up for that unless you actually have a history of problems." He sounded genuinely upset.

I sighed. "I kind of do. Do you remember what happened on Saturday?" I rolled my eyes at myself; how could he not remember?

"Yeah."

"I, um… I kind of left a phone call. Or two. It just… it hurts when someone says something that reminded me of him." I sniffled, uncertainty churning in my gut as I prayed he would just understand.

"They should overlook that for you. It's not like you're running out to get high or anything."

I couldn't help my smirk. "I know, but Kelly's kind of a bitch."

"Oh, man. You got on Kelly's team? That sucks, Ness."

So he knew her. "It'll be okay, though," I said, more to myself than him. "She doesn't like me, I don't like her. It's kind of a mutual understanding."

He chuckled. "Good; at least you've got that under control. How is everything else?"

I sighed. "Everything else is… I don't know." I wasn't sure if I could talk about that over the phone. I prayed that Jacob didn't expect me to just talk about everything and be okay after Saturday. Yes, it had felt amazing to have him there with me, but that didn't mean I was healed and able to actually discuss it coolly.

Somehow, I think he did understand that. Instead of prying, he said, "You can talk to me about anything, Nessie. I swear I'll listen. But if you don't want to, please don't feel like you have to."

I sniffled again and nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Thank you."

We hung up a little while later, and I went about the rest of my day calmer than I'd expected to be.

My time at work was never what I'd wanted it to be or what I'd hoped it could be, but I always survived it and always went home to waste time, eat, sleep, and wake up to do it all over again. I started learning new ways of deciphering the phone calls that could hurt me. On Wednesday, I semi-accidentally discovered that I wouldn't get caught if I hung up on the caller. If I heard tears, or at the first mention of a lost loved one, I'd hang up and take the next call. I'd let a more stable person deal with the caller's issues. I knew that it would probably catch up with me someday, but at that time I just couldn't care.

I called Jacob again that night and talked to him, just because I wanted to.

"Hey, Ness." He sounded happy to hear from me, and it made me smile.

"Hey, Jake. How was your day?"

"Not bad. Leah and I discovered some new ways to piss off the foreman. How are you?"

"I'm good. Why do you want to piss off the foreman? Doesn't he decide what work you do?"

He chuckled. "Kind of, yeah. He's like the supervisor. We do it to keep our sanity, though. Our old foreman would have laughed with us, but this guy is a stick in the mud. By the end of the day, I think he was ready to quit."

I raised an eyebrow. "What did you do to piss him off?"

"Leah and I have this game. Kind of like a contest to see who can annoy the guy the most. It's just stupid stuff like complaining, taking a long break, or arguing with the other guys. I was winning, but then she had to go and throw in girly shit. She even asked him if there were any tampons in the office."

I laughed with him; I could see Leah doing something like that. "So she won?"

"Yeah, but she cheated. I'm challenging her to a rematch on Friday."

"Well, good luck, I guess."

"Thanks. So how was work at the call center?" he asked, all traces of humor gone.

I sighed. "Work was okay. I… I think I might have found a way to deal with… you know, those calls." I hoped he would understand.

"How's that?"

I wasn't sure why I was suddenly nervous. I'd started it; I couldn't just back out of the conversation now. "Um, I…" I took a deep breath, and he seemed to wait patiently. "When I hear them crying, I hang up. Nobody's said anything to me about it yet, and it's just easier to not deal with them."

"Good; you shouldn't have to deal with them. I know I don't work there anymore, Ness, but tell me if they give you shit about it, okay?"

I smiled to myself. "I will."

"What do you want to do this Saturday?" he asked.

I pursed my lips. "I don't know." I didn't want to go to Leah's, that was for sure. In fact, I didn't really want to do anything but see him. "I kind of want to stay inside this weekend."

There was a short pause. "Oh, okay. Yeah, you deserve a lazy weekend."

I closed my eyes as I realized it sounded like I didn't want to see him. "You can still come over if you want. I'd like to see you, but I just don't want to go anywhere." I prepared myself for his rebuttal. Who the hell would want to just—

"That sounds great. I'll come over around noon with lunch, 'kay?"

I smiled to myself, happier than I thought I should be. "Sounds good."

True to his word, Jake showed up at noon with takeout from a Mexican restaurant. He'd brought a few enchiladas and some tacos, and we sat on the couch to eat.

"Thank you, Jake. This is really good."

He smiled. "You're welcome."

We ate in silence for a little while, and I just relished in his company. I'd begun to realize that I liked being with him maybe a little too much. I didn't want to examine that, though, so I pushed it away and focused on the food.

"So tell me something new about you, Ness," Jake said.

I smiled to myself and sorted through things about me that he didn't know yet. I came up blank and glanced at him. "Like what?"

He shrugged. "When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?" I smiled uncertainly and felt my face flame again. He scooted a little closer to me. "This is gonna be good, isn't it?"

I laughed. "It's kind of embarrassing."

He nudged me gently with his shoulder. "I bet it's not. What did you want to be?"

I sighed. "I'll answer if you will."

"Deal."

Of course I had to go first. I licked my lips. "I wanted to be a tour guide for a cruise. You know, because there's lots of sun, and I just really wanted… I don't know." I looked down.

Jacob rubbed my back. "That's not embarrassing. I would imagine any kid who couldn't be in the sun would want that."

I smiled up at him and felt a little better. It probably shouldn't have, but it surprised me when he actually understood why I had once wanted that. I wanted to kiss him.

_Whoa. Back up there, Nessie._ Friends didn't go around kissing each other. I took a deep breath and rearranged my thinking. "What about you?"

He cleared his throat and shrugged. "I wanted to be a police officer. My grandpa had been an officer, and I thought it was cool."

I smiled "My grandpa was a police officer in Seattle."

Jacob laughed. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah. He, um… He died on duty." I never thought I'd be thankful that one of Jacob's wishes hadn't come true, but I was very happy he wasn't a policeman. It was dangerous.

"So did my grandpa, but I still thought it was cool. That was when I was like ten, though."

"When did you decide to go into construction?" I looked up at him, and he met my eyes for a minute.

"When I was eighteen. It was about a year before my dad got too sick to work. I'd graduated high school and wanted to do something physical. I hadn't been diagnosed bipolar yet; I just went around thinking I was unusually angry all the time. My dad had heard that the community center was under construction and accepting volunteers to help tear down some walls. He suggested I try it out to work out some frustration. I went, they gave me a sledgehammer, and I had never felt as relieved as I did when I was done.

"The foreman on the site came up to me and asked me if I was interested in helping him on another project. I agreed to check it out, and he showed me how to do more than just smash things. It felt great, and after I talked to my dad I decided to go for it. I started an apprenticeship with Adam, the foreman at the community center. He taught me pretty much all I needed to know to get started. By the time my dad had to stop working a year later, I was able to get an actual job and get paid. It worked out pretty nicely."

"When were you diagnosed?" I loved talking to Jake like this. I could spend every day with him, just talking.

"Five years ago; I was twenty. Typically, when you start a new project, you get a new foreman. But, because Adam had been my teacher, I stayed with him for as long as I could. When I did get a new foreman, he pissed me off just because he was nothing like Adam." He paused and looked down for a minute, and I wondered if he was going to continue. Before I could decide whether or not I wanted to pry, he looked back up. His eyes were a little darker than usual.

"I got really mad one day when he kept looking over my shoulder like he was expecting me to do something wrong. I hit him. A few times, actually. Instead of firing me like I was sure he would, he made me take a month off and see a shrink." He shook his head and laughed darkly. "I hated him for a long time after that. I only saw the lady for as long as I had to in order to keep my job, but I got a prescription that helped for a little while."

He smiled at me, and something about it looked hesitant. I put my hand on his arm and rubbed his skin gently with my thumb. "At least you found out it wasn't just you being angry for no reason, right?"

He smirked. "Yeah, it turned out to be a good thing. Did you have any pets growing up?"

I shook my head. "No, but I wanted a dog when I was little. What about you?"

His jaw clenched suddenly, and he looked down. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, and I got the impression that he was fighting something. I wasn't really sure what to do. Jacob had helped me so often when I got upset, and I really wanted to help him, too.

"No pets?" I asked. Maybe he'd really wanted one but couldn't have it?

He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Ness, I shouldn't have asked that question. What about TV shows when you were little? Were there any you really liked?"

I wanted to know what hurt him. I wanted him to talk to me the way I'd talked to him. But his question brought up memories I couldn't close out. My chest hurt and my stomach turned as I remembered the way my dad would get excited for _Friends_ because it had been my mother's favorite show. We would sit down and watch it every week.

"Ness? You okay?" I forced my eyes open and looked up at him. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. "It's okay, Nessie. You can talk to me if you need to."

I couldn't. I couldn't say those words when my heart hurt so badly. I sniffled and cursed the crushing weight on my chest. I didn't want to be done talking to Jacob. Instead of pushing, he petted my hair and kissed the side of my head. I took a deep breath and wanted so badly to get over this and be fine. I could, because I was determined to. I focused all of my attention on his hand running through my hair and the warmth his body next to mine. I took two more deep breaths before the weight began to lift.

"Are you okay?" he asked after a few minutes. I tried to just keep breathing as I nodded. His arm tightened around me, and he kissed the side of my head. "It doesn't help anything when you keep it all bottled up like that. You can talk to me."

I turned my head and buried my face in his shoulder. Somewhere inside me, a tiny part was upset that he wanted me to talk to him when he wouldn't talk to me. He'd been upset just a few minutes earlier about whatever the pet question made him think of. If I was going to talk to him, I wanted him to talk to me, too.

Jacob sighed heavily and loosened his arm. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have done that. I'm not going to push you to talk to me."

I sat up straighter and looked at him. "I'll tell you if you'll tell me," I said.

His brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'll tell you what's bothering me if you'll tell me why the pet question bothered you."

His jaw clenched again, and for a moment I swear I saw two sides of him like I'd seen so long ago in the break room at Debt to Wealth. He hadn't gotten angry around me in so long that it surprised me. I wondered briefly if he'd forgotten to take his medicine, but I didn't want to embarrass him by asking. Instead, I told myself that I wouldn't let it bother me. He put up with my emotional crap all the time; I could deal with his.

The angry side faded away as quickly as it had come, and he sighed. "All right, but you have to promise me something." I nodded without hesitation. "You have to promise you won't get upset."

"Why would I be upset?"

"Just promise me."

I had no idea if I could keep the promise or not, but I did it anyway. "I won't get upset."

He looked at me skeptically for a second before he sighed. "You first."

I sucked in a deep breath and leaned my head back on his shoulder. His hand rubbed my back as I tried to decide where to start. I knew that once I started talking and let the memories take over, it would be hard to finish. I was determined, though. I wanted to help him the way he helped me.

"We used to watch _Friends_ all the time," I said softly. I closed my eyes against the memory of my dad's laughter. I turned into Jacob a little more, and he pulled me onto his lap. My throat hurt, but I forced myself to keep talking. My voice was tight. "He loved that show. Every week, we sat together on the couch and watched it. Sometimes we ate dinner while we watched." I clutched Jacob's shirt in my fist and pushed my face into his neck.

It wasn't a break down like I was used to. I didn't cry hysterically. I wasn't overcome by memories. It was strange in the best way.

Jacob rubbed my back and kissed my hair. "It's okay to talk about it, Nessie. It's better if you talk. Don't hold it all inside, okay? Not when I'm here and I can help you."

I sniffled and nodded my head as much as I could without moving my face from his neck. I wanted to stay there forever. I felt so safe and secure right there, wrapped up in his warmth. His arms held me tighter, and I'd never been more content in my life.

"What happened to the TV?" he asked, glancing over at the empty TV stand.

I turned my head and stared at the empty space where the TV used to be. "After he… after the accident… I didn't want to believe it. I tried to just keep doing the same things I'd done with him. I ate dinner in the living room and watched the shows we used to watch." I sniffled and moved my arm enough to wipe my nose. Jacob kissed my head again. "About a month after, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had an old metal baseball bat that had once been my grandpa's. I took it, and I smashed everything. All of the pictures and the dishes. Everything that was breakable in the living room and the kitchen. I saved the TV for last, though." I shivered. The night after I destroyed everything was the first night I dreamed of the dead me. Jacob's arms tightened on me, and I nuzzled my face into his shirt.

We were both quiet for a few minutes. Although I'd known he would be okay with my confession, it still felt good when he didn't laugh at me and my psychotic episode. I finally moved back and looked up at him. He smiled at me, and his eyes were so comforting. I almost didn't want to bring up the subject that had upset him. I didn't want him to get out of talking to me, either, so I took a deep breath.

"Your turn," I said softly.

I'd expected it, but it still surprised me when his eyes darkened. He sighed and moved me off of his lap. I didn't like that so much. I frowned and took his hand. He took it back and leaned forward with his elbows on knees. I looked up at him uncertainly.

"Nessie, I have to warn you. It's not pretty."

"You promised you'd talk if I did. I told you about how I went crazy and destroyed my dad's things. You said yourself it doesn't help anything to keep it bottled up." It couldn't be worse than what I did, could it?

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He nodded as he exhaled slowly. "Okay. Just remember you promised you wouldn't get upset."

He opened his eyes, and I just nodded. His brow furrowed as he stared at his hands, clasped together between his knees. He spoke slowly, like he was concentrating on every word he said.

"When I was growing up, we had a dog. She was a German Shepherd named Ruby. I got her for Christmas when I was eight, the year after my mom died. When I was fifteen…" he trailed off and glanced at me. I just waited for him to continue. He sighed and cleared his throat. "When I was fifteen, I took her out for a walk to a field where we went almost every other day. I'd throw sticks for her, and she'd fetch them. She always got so excited. I had a stick and was waving it back and forth, and she lunged at it. She missed, though, and bit my arm." His hands clenched into fists. I moved to put my hand on his arm, but he flinched away from me. It hurt, but I drew back and waited for him to speak again.

"I got so mad," he said, clenching his teeth. "It was the first time I ever really got mad like that. Like nothing else mattered but the fact that the dog had bit me. Everything else in the world disappeared. Hell, even the damn dog disappeared. I still don't remember exactly what happened. I remember yelling at her and hitting her with the stick, then I remember being on my knees next to her. She was dead, and my hands and shirt were spattered with her blood."

I gasped. "Oh my God, Jake." My heart hurt so badly for him. I had never realized how serious his condition was.

He looked at me for half a second before he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Nessie, I shouldn't have said anything."

I put my hand on his arm and didn't let him move away from me. "No, Jake, I'm glad you did. I'm not upset. I'm… shocked, but not upset. I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

He shrugged and took my hand off his arm. He held my fingers gently, staring at them as he spoke again. "I walked back home in a daze that day and told my dad what had happened when he caught me washing the blood off. For years, I really thought I'd gone crazy. I get pissed off so fucking easily, but that was the only time I've ever killed anything."

I couldn't even imagine what he'd gone through. There I was, thinking I'd gone a little crazy when I broke pictures and television sets, but he'd killed his dog. There was a very small part of me, way down deep, that was a little frightened. I squished it easily, though. I knew Jacob would never hurt me.

"Are you okay? Really?" he asked.

I met his eyes and nodded. "I really am. Thank you for telling me."

He nodded and offered me a half-smile. Not long after that, it was time for him to leave. He hugged me tightly, and I squeezed him back before he left.

Sunday was once again spent thinking about Jacob and the day we'd spent together. I managed to go to the library as well and get a few new books to read in my spare time. Even with the distractions, I couldn't wait for the next week when I could be with him again.

With my new way of handling the bad calls at work, I hadn't had to leave my desk for anything but a break or lunch in three working days. It made me feel better, and surprisingly helped me blend into the background a little more. I was still working on ignoring everyone but those I absolutely had to acknowledge, and many people ignored me right back.

I called Jake on Tuesday after work and we talked for a few minutes. His voice sounded odd; darker than usual. I didn't comment, because I couldn't be sure it wasn't just my imagination after what I had learned on Saturday. Neither of us really said much. When I asked him a question, his answer was no more than five words, and he asked me only yes or no questions. Instead of asking how work was, he asked me if work was going okay.

I hung up the phone after our short conversation and stared at the phone. I didn't want to think that he was getting upset with me. He had made me promise to call him when I needed him. But then, I didn't really need him, did I? I mean, I did, but I didn't. There had been no real reason for me to call him that day, other than that I just wanted to hear his voice.

I shook it off and decided I was reading too much into it. We were fine. Jake was fine. I called him again on Thursday, hoping he was out of whatever funk he'd been in on Tuesday.

"Hey, Ness," Jake said when he answered. I noticed a hard edge to his voice.

"Hey, Jake. How are you?"

"I'm all right. What's up?" He sounded antsy, like he was eager to find out what I wanted and get off the phone.

A small pit of dread opened up in my stomach. I didn't have a reason for calling. Again. I was afraid to tell him that, though; I didn't want him to be upset with me. "I, um…" I couldn't think of anything to say. "Nothing, really." I sat down on the couch and took a deep breath. "Is now a bad time?"

"No, no. Now's fine. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's good. I just kind of… I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say hi." I realized that the change in his voice on Tuesday hadn't been my imagination. It was there again now, only it was more noticeable. It worried me that maybe he was getting sick of talking to me so much.

"Oh. Okay. Anything new since Tuesday?"

I swallowed. "No, not really. You?"

"Not a damn thing."

My eyes watered, and I nodded to myself. I needed to stop calling him like this. I was abusing his friendship. I couldn't lose him. "Okay. Um, hey, I'm gonna get dinner ready. I'll, um… I'll talk to you Saturday?"

"Yeah, sure. See you then."

We hung up, and I just put the phone back in the kitchen and went to bed. My stomach ached with how badly I wanted to talk to him. I honestly had nothing to say, though, and I couldn't expect him to talk to me just because I liked the sound of his voice. I pulled the covers up to my chin and told myself that I was going to do better. I had to find a happy medium between my desire to talk to him and his need for space.

I knew part of it was loneliness. Aside from Jacob, I had no one to talk to. I'd happily be without anybody else to have Jake, though. I just had to remember that I wasn't his only friend. He had other people in his life that he liked to be around.

But there was more than just longing. I wanted him to talk to me the way he had on Saturday. I wanted him to trust me enough to tell me what was wrong. I wanted him to hold me close to him in his safe and comforting hug and never let me go. I wanted all that, and yet it didn't seem like enough. I wanted more; I wanted it all. Everything that was Jake, I wanted it. His kisses, his touches, his anger and his calm. His happiness and his sadness. I just wanted him.

Although I had no personal experience to draw from, there was some part of me that knew what I was feeling. I was falling in love with Jacob Black. It scared the hell out of me.

* * *

A/N: So… thoughts? You didn't think I'd leave the well of Jake's bipolar disorder untapped, did you? The fan's a-blowin' and the shit's a-waitin'.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85

Also, the next few days are going to be pretty busy for me, so the next update may not happen until Tuesday.


	14. Devils

A/N: If I could hug all my readers, I totally would. You're all the best. Thank you. So my nephew's birthday party that was scheduled for this morning has been rescheduled for the evening. Because of this, I had time to post this extra-long chapter for you :)

I still own nothing.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirteen

Devils

_And I feel cold, and so alone  
'Cause I don't know which way to turn  
And I feel like I'm getting weaker  
'Cause I can't ever take control _

- Devils and Angels – Royal Bliss

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I had been a little nervous that Nessie wouldn't keep her promise and call me if she needed me, but she surprised me. She called me not only when she needed, but also just to talk. It was so nice to hear her voice more than once or twice a week. We spent Saturdays together like usual, but the week before had been a test to my self control when I told Nessie about what I'd done to my dog. I didn't want to tell her; I was afraid she'd get scared and tell me not to see her anymore. Somehow—I really had no idea how—she didn't seem too bothered by it. She didn't demand I leave right away, anyway.

It still hurt when I thought about Ruby. I'd come to terms with it as much as possible when I was forced into therapy to keep my job. I'd realized that I wasn't crazy, and the medicine I'd been given helped me for a little over a year. I'd had to change medicine a few times over the years; my brain would build up a tolerance to whatever I was taking and I'd have to try something different.

The following Saturday was better. I took Nessie out to a movie, and when I took her home she wanted to be alone. I crushed my disappointment by reminding myself that I was moving at her pace. So instead of begging to have more time with her, I left with a smile. I'd talk to her in a few days anyway.

Life was good for a while until I went to Leah's house on Thursday. I was getting a little impatient with her and cakes. I'd given her my opinion already, but she still couldn't decide what she wanted. She held up two pictures, one of a black and white cake, and one of a yellow cake.

"Which one do you like better?" she asked.

I sighed. "I don't really care." She put the pictures down and stared at me. I expected her to move on, but she just stood there. "What?" I asked after another minute.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

I furrowed my brow. "It's fine."

"What's wrong, Jake?"

I was suddenly furious. "Nothing's wrong; what the hell makes you think something's wrong?" I yelled.

She, being Leah, reacted just as violently. "Back the fuck off, Jake; I was just asking, for Christ's sake."

"I'm out of here." I turned around to leave, and she put herself in front of me.

"No, you're not. Talk to me. What's going on?" She put her hand on my arm, and I smacked it away.

"Get off me, Leah."

She smacked my hand back. "Are you not taking your medicine, Jacob?"

I hated her for her accusation. "Of course I'm taking the goddamn medicine; I'm not a fucking idiot."

"Then why are you so damn upset? Did something happen? Is it just not working for you anymore?"

"Leah? Jake? What's going on?" Sam came in the room looking between us. Fucking fantastic.

"Everything's fine, Sam," Leah said. I glared at her.

"Yes, everything's just fucking peachy."

She rolled her eyes. "Jacob, you need to see your doctor."

I clenched my fists. "What I need is none of your goddamn business."

"Go home, Jake. Calm down and think about it. I'll see you at work tomorrow." She pushed me gently, and I took a deep breath to keep from smacking her hands away again. I just left.

I realized later that night that she was right. I needed to get my meds adjusted again. But goddammit, I didn't want to do it. I hated the experimental period I had to go through to figure out which one worked. I called the doctor anyway to get an appointment. The secretary and I got into it when she tried to tell me he was out for a month. Eventually she found a time for me a week from Tuesday. I could wait a week and a half, right? I'd have to.

I was nervous about being near Nessie. She might know about me, but I was afraid she'd get scared if she saw my temper. Although it killed me, I made up an excuse to stay away from her on Saturday. She sounded a little disappointed, and I hated myself. I spent the day going through several exercises I'd learned to help keep me calm.

I went to work on Monday hoping it would be a better day. It turned out my amazing timing for problems with medicine was about to get even better. I usually got along with everyone on the site. There were a few people I butt heads with, but I managed to avoid them. All but Jack. Jack and I had a very colorful history. He was the asshole who liked to spread word about me being bipolar. He didn't just leave at that, though. No, he liked to exaggerate and make it sound much worse than it really was. He had cost me both a job and a girlfriend in the past. He'd been on an extended, work-initiated vacation and had only just gotten the green light to come back to work. God, I wished they'd just fire his sorry ass.

My conversations with Leah were private, but there was nowhere private on the site. I dealt with it, and everyone else managed to mind their own business. I didn't think too much about it Monday as Leah and I worked together and I told her how much I'd missed Nessie on Saturday. We talked off and on about Nessie throughout the day.

I hadn't stopped taking my meds, but they weren't doing me any good anyway. On Wednesday, Jack came up to me and bumped my shoulder.

"Hey, Jake," he said, acting like we were old buddies.

I scowled at him. "What the fuck do you want?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. I heard you and the chick talking about some Nessie girl. Fucked up name, huh? She your girlfriend?"

I clenched my jaw and tried to keep my wits about me. "Fuck off." I tried to close him out and ignore everything he was saying.

He just laughed. "You like them tease types, don't you? She wild in bed? If she's anything like that Nancy chick you dated before, I could break her in for you."

I didn't even remember lunging for him. I didn't remember the moment my fist connected with his face. All I remembered was one minute I was standing there, trying really hard to ignore him, and the next I was being pulled away from him by Leah, Paul, and Izak. He was on the ground and some others were huddling over him. I wasn't done with him, but nobody would let me go.

"Jacob!" Leah shouted. "Get yourself together!"

"Fucking let me go." I tried to get away. I _needed_ to kill him.

"Not until you calm down." She elbowed me in the rib so hard it should have hurt. I yanked my arm away from her, and if it weren't for Paul and Izak, I would have been after Jack again.

"Jacob, think of Nessie," Leah said, a little more calmly. She stood in front of me and made me look at her. "Think about Nessie, Jake. Think of what she would say if she knew what you're doing. You need to calm down."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ Nessie. She'd hate me. She'd know that what just happened was the same thing that happened when I killed Ruby, and she'd see me as the monster I was back then. Motherfucker.

I felt the anger drip away from me like someone had pulled the plug on a drain. I slumped down, and the guys still holding my arms finally let me go. I gripped my hair in my hands and heard Leah tell them to leave me alone for a minute. She sat down next to me, and I heard footsteps walking away.

Leah didn't say anything for a long time. She just sat there. When the foreman came to see what the hell had happened, she explained everything for me. I didn't even look up.

"Are you okay?" Leah asked a while later. She put her hand on mine and started trying to pry my fingers out of my hair.

I didn't say anything back. What the fuck did it matter? What the fuck did anything matter anymore? Nessie was going to hate me.

"Jake?"

I finally let Leah take my hand.

"Come on, Jake, look at me."

I didn't want to. I felt a tear drip down my nose, and I wanted to hide. I wasn't supposed to cry, especially not at work.

"Jake, please. You're starting to scare me."

Wasn't I scaring everyone?

She put her hand on my jaw and forced me to look at her. I didn't fight. What was the point?

"Jacob Black, look at me right now."

I met her eyes and sniffled. I hated myself.

"Listen to me, okay? I'm sorry for what I said about Nessie. I just had to find something to get through to you. She's going to be fine. She'll forgive you, just like I forgive you. Okay?"

I just shrugged. If not now, then sometime in the future I was going to fuck up too badly. Eventually, Nessie would leave no matter what I did. It was inevitable.

Leah sighed. "Come on, Jake. I'm taking you home." She got up and tugged on my arm until I got up, too.

Leah stayed on my couch that night. Sam got over his jealousy pretty quickly when she explained she didn't want to find me dead in the morning. I didn't think I was _that_ bad, but whatever. I didn't have it in me to argue with her.

The next day, Leah made me get up and go to work.

"I'm not leaving you by yourself, Jacob. Not until you talk to Nessie. I know that once she tells you everything's okay, you'll feel better."

I sighed. "And what happens when I tell her and she decides she doesn't want to be around a psychopath?" What happened when I was fifteen and what happened a few days ago were very different things.

She just glared at me. "Get your ass to work, Jake."

Jack wasn't at work that day, and it was actually kind of peaceful. Everyone left me alone, but I knew it was out of courtesy rather than fear. They already knew about me, and they knew I wouldn't want to talk about shit.

I waited until six o'clock to call Nessie. I didn't want to admit I was terrified, but I was. Her voice was so sweet when she answered. I felt jackass tears gather in my eyes, and thought about hanging up. I couldn't do that to Nessie, though.

"Ness?"

"Hi, Jacob," she sounded surprised but happy. "How are you?"

How the hell was I? I cleared my throat and tried to decide how to tell her what I needed to say. I didn't even know how to begin.

"I'm sorry; I just needed to talk to someone. Leah's with Sam, so she's out…" _Great, dipshit, make it sound like she's not your first choice._

"Oh, Jake, it's okay. Talk to me. You let me rattle on and on about all of my shit. What's wrong?"

Her shit was important. It defined who she was, and every time she told me something new, I only loved her more. My shit was just that; shit.

I cleared my throat again. "I think… I don't know." _Just be a fucking man and tell her._

"Are you okay?" She sounded worried. Fucking great. I'd worried her. "Please talk to me, Jake."

"It's so good to hear your voice, Nessie," I confessed. I pushed my pride aside as much as I could and closed my eyes as I forced myself to talk. "Just sometimes it's enough, you know? I got in a fight with Leah the other day, then Jack showed up at work. I tried to just ignore him like always, but he's going on and about some stupid shit and somehow or another I'm talking to him about you. Just one stupid comment was all it took. I think he'll be okay, though." _Please don't hate me._

"What do you mean you think he'll be okay?"

_Motherfucker._ "Please don't be mad, Nessie. Don't be scared. I couldn't stop myself."

"Jacob, please tell me what happened. I promise I won't be mad or scared." I heard the lie in her voice, plain as day. She was already scared. I had no choice but to tell her and let her walk away.

"I hit him. It wasn't even a decision; once he said it, all I saw was red and I was pulled off of him. They know about me and stopped me before I could really hurt him. I think." I hadn't heard how he was doing, but I knew he'd walked away from it all.

"I'm not mad, Jake. Or scared. What was the comment?"

I didn't believe her. She was famous for saying she was fine when she really wasn't. "Just something about you."

"I am glad they stopped you, though. I would be sad if you got arrested or something."

Right. She'd be happy that she wouldn't have to tell me not to see her again. "It wouldn't have mattered."

I heard her take a deep breath. "It would have mattered a great deal to me, Jacob." Her voice was not teasing; she sounded completely serious. "You're my only friend; how could I go on if you were locked up?"

There was no end to how badly I could fuck up, was there? "I'm sorry, Nessie. I'm so sorry; I didn't even think—"

"No, Jacob. Don't be sorry; please. I know you didn't mean to, and I know at the heart of it all you were just concerned for me. It's really okay."

I almost started to believe she was telling the truth. "You're really not upset?"

"Of course not; it's not like you ripped his heart out of his chest or anything."

"I wanted to."

"But you didn't."

She had a point. Kind of. If I hadn't been stopped, I might have.

"So who is this Jack guy anyway?" she asked.

I sighed and told her as much about him as I thought she needed to know. I didn't want her to know what he'd said about her or the specifics of the trouble he'd caused me in the past. I just told her he pissed me off every fucking day just by breathing.

"How's work for you?" I asked. I hadn't talked to her for a few days.

"It's going okay. Um, not bad." It didn't sound like she was lying, but there was something else there. Some kind of hesitation I didn't understand. "The weekend's coming up… d'you, um…"

"Do I what?" I took a deep breath and counted to ten. I didn't want to get upset right now.

"I guess I'm just wondering if you have plans for the weekend."

I sighed. I wanted so badly to see her, but I was only getting worse. "I don't know."

She was quiet for a few seconds, and I wished I could see her face. I wanted to know if she wanted me to have plans somewhere else so she wouldn't have to see me, or if she wanted me to make plans with her.

"Would you want to come over?"

I closed my eyes. I was still nervous about being around her, but I couldn't say no when she sounded so sweet. "Yeah, I do want to come over."

"Okay." She seemed to perk up just a little. "We could go to lunch or something. My treat."

"If it's okay, Nessie, I'd like to just stay inside with you. I really don't want to go anywhere."

"Oh, yeah. That's fine with me, Jake. You can come over whenever."

All day Friday, I worked on trying to keep myself calm. At least calm enough to not scare Nessie away from me. On Saturday, I waited until after one in the afternoon to go to Nessie's. I figured Nessie had probably already eaten lunch, so I didn't bother picking anything up on my way there. I knocked lightly on the door, and felt a rush of relief when she opened.

She smiled up at me and stepped back to let me in. Her hair was up in a pony tail, and she was dressed in a loose-fitting t-shirt with her jeans. She was beautiful. I didn't hesitate to pull her into a hug. She squeezed me back tightly.

"How are you?" I asked when she pulled back.

She shrugged. "I'm okay. You?"

"Not terrible." At the moment, anyway.

She licked her lips and picked at her fingernails. "Um, are you hungry at all?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Maybe a little. Have you eaten?"

She shook her head. "No. I could make sandwiches if you want."

"Sure, that would be fine."

I went into the kitchen with her and just leaned against the counter to watch her spread mayonnaise on the bread.

"Do you like mustard?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Sure."

She nodded and continued assembling the sandwich. She asked a few more questions, and finally handed me the finished product. We went back out to the living room to eat, and she sat next to me on the couch. Something about the sandwich tasted better than usual. Maybe it was just because she made it. Who the fuck knows? I complimented her, and she gave me a doubting look.

"It's just a sandwich, Jacob. It's not like a culinary masterpiece."

And just like that, I wanted to hit something. I wanted to yell and convince her to agree with me. I glanced at her, and she was smiling. I took a deep breath. If I yelled, I'd scare her. She'd run. _Control yourself, asshole_.

"It's a damn good sandwich, 'kay?"

Her smile widened and she shook her head. "Okay."

Although there wasn't much, I helped her clean up the mess in the kitchen. Every move she made seemed to get in my way. I didn't want to be angry; I wanted to be calm and help her. I forced myself to keep my mouth shut and not do anything to show I was frustrated with her. I could not lose her. When we were finished cleaning, we went back to her couch and sat down. I leaned forward and tried to get myself under control.

"Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly.

I looked over at her. "Yeah, I'm okay."

She put her hand on my arm. It felt good and burned at the same time. "Are you sure?"

I stared down at her hand and realized I had two choices. I could close her out and pray she didn't push it, or I could let her in. If I tried to close her out, and she pushed it like she did before, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep control and not yell at her. But if I let her in, and she knew just how bad it was right now, there was a very good possibility she'd ask me to leave.

She obviously trusted me enough to touch me. I wanted so badly for her to understand that I was trying, but not many people saw that. They'd see that I was angry, and they'd run. Girls especially. They didn't want some guy who they thought would turn and beat them at a moment's notice. Nessie would understand it wasn't like that, wouldn't she? She'd know that she was safe with me. I had to trust that.

Finally, I gave in. I had to give her a chance. I leaned back against the couch. "No, I'm not. Come here." I held out my arm. She moved slowly and carefully, settling herself beside me. I didn't want to notice the way she tensed up when I put my arm around her. I kissed her hair and prayed to God I could show her that she didn't need to be afraid. I would kill myself before I hurt her.

"I'm sorry, Nessie. I really am. My meds aren't working much anymore, and I haven't been able to get them changed yet."

It felt like she tried to pull away, and I nearly panicked. My arm tightened around her. "Do you know why they're not?" she asked.

I rubbed my face and tried to stay calm. She was here, in my arms, and I'd hurt her if I freaked out. "Nothing ever works forever. Sometimes it's a year; sometimes it's a little longer. I've been on this last one for a little over fourteen months. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday."

She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder. It felt so fucking good. Just having her there and knowing that she trusted me enough to hold her like this was incredible. I listened to her breathing for a long time. It was a nice rhythm; inhale, exhale. I liked the feel of her shoulders moving under my arm with each breath. After a while, though, it changed. It was longer and deeper, and the rhythm was steadier.

I looked down to find her eyes closed and her lips parted slightly. I smiled to myself; she was asleep. She looked so peaceful and content. My heart felt heavy in the best way with the thought of her being comfortable enough with me to fall asleep. I rested my head back again against the couch and closed my eyes, still listening to her breathing.

I checked my watch a little while later. It wasn't really late; only five o'clock. I didn't think she'd appreciate it if I let her sleep all day, though, so I woke her up.

"Nessie?" I said softly as I shook her shoulders. She didn't budge. I tucked her hair behind her ear and shook her again. "Ness?"

That time she looked up at me. Her eyes were sleepy, and I smiled at her. She smiled back. God, I wanted to kiss her. "Morning, sleepyhead."

She furrowed her brow and sat up. "Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry, Jake."

I sat up with her and rubbed her back. "Don't be. I can't tell you how relaxing it was just to hold you and listen to you breathe."

She blushed. "How long was I out?"

I checked my watch again. "Just over three hours."

"Holy crap! You didn't have to let me sleep that long, Jake; you could have woke me up." She sounded really upset.

"I know I could have, but like I said, it was relaxing. You're not upset, are you?" I prayed she wasn't. I didn't want to add another fuck-up to my list.

She ran her fingers through her hair. "No, of course not. I just can't imagine how sitting there with me unconscious could have been relaxing."

I tried to think of how to explain this. I doubted if she really wanted to know that everything about her relaxed me just because it was her. "You have a very steady rhythm when you sleep. It's kind of like the street lights passing when you're driving at night or hearing crickets when you're in the middle of nowhere. It's constant and calm and just… relaxing." I hugged her, and was so fucking relieved when she hugged me back.

"Well, in that case…" She trailed off and shrugged. I laughed and kissed her head. She leaned back down and rested her face on my chest. I loved it. I loved her. I couldn't deny that anymore. I loved her. I had to get my shit taken care of before I could tell her, though. I needed to be calm in case… well, just in case.

"Thank you for today, Ness."

She pulled back and smiled at me. "You're welcome, Jake."

I wanted to kiss her. I hadn't tried since the first time she pulled away from me. I stared into her eyes for a few seconds before I decided it was okay to try again. I started to lean down to her. Her eyes widened and she stood up. Fucking hell. _Cool it, Jacob_.

"Um, so what time is it now then?" she asked, picking at her fingernails.

"It's five. I should probably go, Ness. I have to work tomorrow." Like that was really any excuse at all. I stood up beside her and she nodded.

"Okay. Good luck at your appointment on Tuesday."

I hugged her, thankful that she still hugged me back, and left.

Sunday and Monday were okay. Not much better, but I dealt with it. I walked into Dr. Bailey's office on Tuesday, already fighting my temper. I knew what he was going to do. He did it every fucking time I came in to change medicine. I thought I was prepared, but I still got pissed off when he suggested Lithium.

"Dammit, I told you that shit doesn't work!" I yelled, fighting the urge to hit something.

Dr. Bailey held his hands up, looking like he was close to calling in back up. Honestly, it wouldn't be the first time he'd ever had to.

"Jacob, you need to calm down a little bit. I know we've tried this before, but your body is obviously changing the way it reacts to medicines. This has worked with so many patients, and I'm confident it will help you this time."

I growled and gripped the counter hard to keep from doing something I knew I'd regret. "I'm not taking it. You can shove it up your ass, _Doctor_, because I am not taking that fucking medicine." I closed my eyes; I really needed to get a grip. It wasn't so easy when the cum-sucking asshole wanted to shove Lithium down my throat again. I didn't _want_ to be so shaky and lightheaded that I nearly get myself killed every fucking day at work.

"Okay, I can see that you don't want to take it again. There are a few other options."

And I'd been through them all. When the fuck were they going to invent a fucking pill that actually _worked_? I took a deep breath and nodded. "What are they?"

We went through my options: Depakote, Lamictal, Topamax… I'd tried them all. They all seemed to work for about six months before I was back in this same boat, trying to find one that worked again.

"Is there anything I haven't tried yet?" I asked, mostly as a joke.

Dr. Bailey nodded. "You've only tried a small amount of medication in comparison to what is available. Trileptal is mainly used as an anti-seizure medicine, but has shown promising results with bipolar patients."

It was one I hadn't tried yet. "Is it anything like Lithium?"

"It is mild like Lithium with very few side effects. However, it is an entirely different medication. You may find Trileptal is the better one for you."

I nodded. "I want to try it."

I got an uncertain look from the doctor before he conceded. "We'll track your progress each week and see how it's working."

I nodded; I knew the damn process. Just give me the fucking medicine already.

I got a sample from him and left to fill my script. I went home and contemplated calling Nessie. One glance at the clock made me groan; it was only three o'clock. She wouldn't be home until at least five thirty. I tossed my meds on the counter before stalking down the hall to my room.

I was eager and yet somehow nervous to tell Nessie about the new medication. Eager because something inside me knew that she would give me her confidence that it would work. She'd be happy for me; she'd be my personal cheerleader.

And yet, I was nervous because as much as I wanted her to be there for me, I wasn't sure how my situation was affecting hers. She still talked to me about what was happening to her, but she didn't seem to go as deep or talk about as much as she had before. She never seemed as sad as she had before, and I prayed she wasn't putting on some kind of front or pushing it aside for my sake. I never wanted her to feel like she couldn't cry or break down on me just because I was having my own issues.

At five thirty, I tried to call her, but it went to her answering machine. I didn't leave a message because I'd just try to call her in a few minutes anyway.

I tried again at six and was a little perturbed when she didn't answer. I pursed my lips; maybe she was having a bad day. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary, and it would be a very valid excuse for her to either avoid the phone or just not be home yet. But when I tried again at six fifteen and she still didn't answer, I felt myself getting mad.

I got up and raked my fingers through my hair. That wasn't fair. I couldn't get mad at her for not answering her phone. I went to the kitchen and wrenched the top off the medicine bottle to shake one of the pills into my hand. I stared at it for a minute before I put it back in the bottle.

One a day; that was all I needed. More than that could be very bad. I'd already taken the sample pill the doctor gave me, so I didn't need another one. I just needed to relax and take it easy for a while until the meds can work. Too bad for me, that could be a couple of weeks.

I sighed angrily to myself and paced the living room for a while before I tried to call her again.

She finally answered at seven o'clock.

"Hey, Jake," she said softly. It felt good to hear her voice, but it wasn't nearly as soothing as I'd hoped it would be.

"Where were you? I tried to call earlier but you didn't answer." I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. _Patience, Jacob. Patience._

"Yeah, um. I…" she trailed off and that's when I noticed it. She sniffled, and I realized that she'd been crying.

"Are you okay?"

I heard her sigh, and her breath shuddered. "Yeah, I'll be okay."

My jaw clenched; that was bullshit, and we both knew it. "You can talk to me, Nessie."

"I know, Jake. I know, but… I can't right now. I'm sorry." She sounded like she was on the verge of one of her breakdowns.

"Do you want me to come over there?"

Another sniffle and another shuddered breath. "No, not right now. I just… I need some time."

That hurt. I couldn't say why; it wasn't like she wasn't entitled to time by herself. And yet it felt like she was shutting me out. Like everything we'd built in the last few weeks meant little to her. I knew that wasn't the case, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Okay, Ness. That's okay. How was work?"

"It was… okay."

I sighed. It was all okay.

"Did you go to the doctor today?" she asked

"Yeah, he gave me a new pill to try." I had imagined this conversation going so much better.

She sniffled. "That's good. I hope it works well for you."

"Yeah, me too. I'll let you know how it works?"

The line was silent for a long moment and my chest tightened. I silently begged her not to run away from me now. I really fucking needed her.

"Yeah, Jake. Let me know."

I closed my eyes again. It sounded like she didn't want to know until I knew. Did she know it would take a few weeks? Did she want me to stop talking to her? I felt like smashing the phone against the wall, but I forced myself to breathe and asked the next question.

"I'll see you Saturday, right?"

"Of course. If… if you still want to come over."

"Yeah, I do. We haven't gone anywhere in a while; do you want to go to dinner or something?"

"I… Um… Yeah, that would be good."

"If you don't want to, Ness, you can tell me. I won't be upset." Okay, that was a lie, but I knew it wouldn't be fair for me to be upset anyway.

"I do want to, Jake."

I gave in and just decided I'd figure her out on Saturday when I could pick her lies off of her face. "Okay, Saturday it is. You gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine."

I didn't argue with her. We agreed on a time for Saturday and hung up somewhere around seven thirty. I paced the living room again, imagining all of the things that could happen on Saturday. Being in the mood I was in, most of them weren't pretty. I imagined her looking up at me with fear in her brown eyes and finally admitting that she didn't want to see me anymore. Even those words in my thoughts broke my heart.

Wednesday was hell. Literal hell. I'd convinced myself that Nessie didn't want me around anymore. I wasn't much use at work; I broke things more often than put them together. Leah'd taken the day off work, so I couldn't bitch at her. After work, I didn't want to be alone so I went over to Leah's. She was making dinner for her and Sam, but she let me in anyway. I leaned against the counter and watched her as she browned hamburger.

"What's up?" she asked.

I just shrugged.

"How's that new medicine working? Do you notice any difference yet?"

I shook my head. She should know it was too damn soon to tell.

She sighed. Everything was quiet but easy for a while. I watched Leah move around and tried so hard to just be calm. After she'd browned the hamburger, she added a bunch of shit and stirred it all together. Then she pushed me out of the kitchen and into the living room. She sat beside me on the couch.

"All right, what is going on?"

I shrugged again.

"No, Jake. I mean it. What the hell is going on? Something's wrong, and you're going to tell me."

"Is it really any of your fucking business?" I growled.

She narrowed her eyes. "_You_ came to _my_ house. I think that makes it my business."

"Fuck off." I stood up to leave, but she pushed me back down.

"No way, Jake. You sit the fuck down and talk to me."

I pushed her away from me, and she stumbled. Before I could catch her, she landed on her back with a thud.

I stood up to help her, but she smacked my hand away and got up on her own.

"Leah, I'm sorr—"

"Don't be sorry; tell me what's going on."

I sighed and nodded. "Nessie's getting fed up with me." God, it hurt so fucking bad to say that.

Leah's eyes widened. "What? What did she say?"

"She didn't say shit. But that's kind of the problem; she usually talks to me about what's going on and yesterday she wouldn't. She said she needed time. There's something wrong, Leah, and she won't tell me."

Leah surprised me by coming up and pulling me into a hug. "Maybe she really does need some time to get her act straight before she tells you about it. She's been through a lot of shit, right?"

I nodded and took a deep, stabilizing breath. I had given Leah a watered-down version of the story Ness had told me about her dad. I kept out a lot of the details; just told her enough that she'd understand Ness' situation a little better.

"Just give her some time, Jake. You should know that sometimes it's easier to deal with it on your own. Remember all those times you told me to fuck off after your dad died?" She squeezed my fingers and walked to the kitchen to check on her dinner.

I groaned and followed her; I didn't want Leah to be all logical right now. But, all the same, I knew she had a point. I still didn't want to give in. "She's been on her own for so long, though. I don't want her to be alone anymore."

Leah patted my back. "She's not alone. You have to know there's a difference between being totally alone and knowing someone's there but wanting time to yourself."

"Dammit, stop being so rational."

She just laughed at me and hugged me one more time. "Never."

I knew Leah was right. Of course I knew, but I just didn't want to admit it. I wanted to go to Nessie's house and demand that she talk to me. Cry on me. Let me help her through whatever was hurting her. Just the thought of her in that house all by herself, sitting on the couch with her arms wrapped around herself or even crying herself to sleep, hurt me worse than the thought of her telling me she didn't want to see me anymore.

In the end I decided to just wait it out and see what happened on Saturday. I kept taking the new prescription, hoping that one day I'd be calm enough to keep from yelling at one person or another every damn day.

* * *

A/N: Poor Jake :( Thanks for reading!

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	15. Tears Don't Fall

A/N: So... yeah. I own nothing. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Fourteen

Tears Don't Fall

_This battered room I've seen before_  
_The broken bones they heal no more, no more  
With my last breath I'm choking  
Will this ever end I'm hoping  
My world is over one more time_

- Tears Don't Fall - Bullet for My Valentine

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

The days after I realized I was falling in love with Jacob were some of the worst days of my life since I'd met him. I couldn't even imagine what would happen if he found out about my feelings. Sure, he'd been an amazing friend, and he'd been there for me in a way I never thought someone could be, but this was different. This was me being greedy and wanting so much more than he was willing to give me. I could tell, because every time I talked to him or saw him, he looked upset. He never came out and told me that he would rather be anywhere but with me, but the look on his face said it all.

There was a small part of me that wondered if maybe he was just having a hard time with his bipolar issues, but I thought he would have talked to me if that was the case. I still talked to him about things that bothered me. I tried not to burden him, though, because he seemed impatient every time I opened my mouth.

Knowing I was in love with him felt like the first time I'd realized what a penis was for. When I was really young, I'd known all the guys had one. Then we had the sex education classes in school, and suddenly no man ever looked the same. Or the thought of what my own body was capable of. I'd always known I had those parts, but then I knew I had _those parts_. And there was no looking back. I could never go back to the innocence of knowing I had a vagina and not knowing why.

I could never go back to being near Jake and not thinking about everything I wanted with him. I couldn't go back to the butterflies and happy glow when I was near him, because just my presence annoyed him. I was terrified of what he would think of me if he knew how I felt. I just couldn't tell him. I would suffer and burn in the flames of my own desire around him if I had to; I could never jeopardize my friendship with him like that.

Walking to work was starting to get a little difficult. I hadn't forgotten that my condition was worse when I was upset, but it was like I remembered it again when my skin started to itch under the sun after only fifteen minutes. I did my best to ignore it and only spent as much time in the sunlight as I had to.

Things were not as wonderful as they had been before, but I made myself be happy with what I could get. I didn't let myself get upset when Jake had other things to do one Saturday. I just pretended to read my book and tried to convince myself the ache in my stomach wasn't because I missed him.

I was surprised to get a phone call from Jake on Wednesday. He told me how he'd attacked someone at the site, and for a brief moment, I was really scared. I wasn't afraid of him, though. I was afraid for him. It was so unlike Jake to be that violent when he was taking his medicine. I almost asked him if he'd stopped taking it, but he already sounded so defeated. I just couldn't do that to him.

He came over on Saturday, and I made us sandwiches. As we were cleaning up, he kept tensing up like he was frustrated, and his eyes were hard and honestly a little scary. When we sat back down on the couch, he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and just stared at the coffee table until I dredged up enough courage to speak.

"Are you okay?" I asked, a little nervous.

He sighed and leaned back just enough to look over at me. "Yeah, I'm okay."

I knew he wasn't. I knew it was just like when I said I was okay when he asked me. I knew it, because every muscle in his body was tense and he looked like a completely different Jacob.

I swallowed and put my hand on his arm. His skin was warmer than usual. "Are you sure?"

He stared at my hand for a long time before he finally sighed again and leaned back against the couch. When he met my eyes, his were just a little mellower. "No, I'm not. Come here." He held out his arm and I carefully moved up close to him. He put his arm around me, pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, Nessie. I really am. My meds aren't working much anymore, and I haven't been able to get them changed yet."

I tried to shrug, but his arm was too tight around me. I was so relieved to know that he didn't just forget to take his medicine, and that he wasn't getting upset with me specifically. "Do you know why they're not?"

He reached up with the hand that was not around me to rub his face. "Nothing ever works forever. Sometimes it's a year; sometimes it's a little longer. I've been on this last one for a little over fourteen months. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday."

I nodded. I was happy that he had an appointment to take care of the situation. I would be there for him as long as he wanted me there, but I didn't want him to have to deal with this. I thought about what all this really meant. It meant that he wasn't getting frustrated with me alone. Even though he got angry easier, he wasn't getting tired of being around me so much. It felt wonderful, and yet scary at the same time. He could still be scared away if he knew how much I wanted to be near him.

"Ness?"

My eyes flew open and I looked up at Jacob. He smiled down at me, and I smiled just at the sight of it.

"Morning sleepyhead."

I furrowed my brow and realized with a start that I'd fallen asleep on him. I sat up and stretched, my back protesting. "Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry, Jake."

He rubbed my back and sat up beside me. "Don't be. I can't tell you how relaxing it was just to hold you and listen to you breathe."

I smiled and blushed, although wasn't sure why. I pushed it back and decided to just be happy that my impromptu nap had helped him. "How long was I out?"

He hummed and looked down at his watch. "Just over three hours."

My eyes widened. "Holy crap! You didn't have to let me sleep that long, Jake; you could have woke me up."

He frowned. "I know I could have. But like I said; it was relaxing. You're not upset, are you?"

I ran my fingers through my pony tail and shook my head. "No, of course not. I just can't imagine how sitting there with me unconscious could have been relaxing."

He sighed. "You have a very steady rhythm when you sleep. It's kind of like the street lights passing when you're driving at night or hearing crickets when you're in the middle of nowhere. It's constant and calm and just… relaxing." He pulled me into a hug and I hugged him back.

"Well in that case…" I just shrugged and he chuckled before he bent down to kiss my head. I leaned over to him and rested my head on his chest. It felt good, even if I had just spent over three hours sleeping on it.

"Thank you for today, Ness."

I moved back and smiled up at him. "You're welcome, Jake."

He just stared at me for a few minutes. A pit opened up in my stomach as I watched his eyes. In that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to push my lips against his and show him how much I loved him. I wasn't sure if I was leaning closer to him, but it felt like we were getting closer. It was wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I could just imagine what his reaction would be. He'd be shocked. He might even wipe my kiss off his lips. My stomach churned, and I panicked. My heart was racing as I stood up and tried to think of something to say.

"Um, so what time is it now?" I asked.

"It's five. I should probably go, Ness. I have to work tomorrow." He stood up, and I could tell he was frustrated again.

I nodded. "Okay. Good luck at your appointment on Tuesday." He hugged me quickly and left.

The rest of the weekend I daydreamed about what could have happened if Jake wanted me to kiss him. I realized Monday night as I lay in bed that I could tell him how I felt now. He wasn't constantly upset with me; it was just a medicine issue. It would be dealt with, and he wouldn't be angry forever. I could have enough faith in him that he wouldn't run away from me. Even if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't stop being my friend.

Tuesday started off like any normal day. I woke up from another dream about Jacob and started getting ready for work. It was so normal for me that I didn't even realize what day it was. My haze of ignorant bliss couldn't last forever. I was on lunch when I overheard someone talking about a birthday party for their kid. The date was mentioned, and I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest.

April 13th.

The room was too small, and I couldn't breathe. I gripped the door frame where I'd been standing and gasped, just trying to breathe. Two years ago. Two years exactly was the day my dad died.

I heard muffled voices, like they were trying to talk through cotton. I felt a hand on my arm and was snapped back into reality. Three people stood around me, their expressions ranging from pitied concern to morbid curiosity. I turned quickly and was almost surprised at how easy it was for me to walk. I locked myself in the bathroom again and didn't come out for another hour.

Of course I was written up again for being late from lunch. I didn't care. I signed the paper and could only remember signing the papers after he'd died. The doctors and lawyers and caregivers and all those other assholes that said they cared but really didn't. I went home early that day and cried more. I felt so terrible for not knowing what day it was the second I woke up.

I only recognized that any time had passed at all when the phone rang. I looked at the clock, surprised to find it was already five thirty. I was torn in two. It was probably Jacob, and just the thought of him hurt me in more ways than one. I didn't blame Jacob for anything, but it was my constant thoughts of him that made me forget what day it was. I ignored the phone and felt even guiltier.

At seven o'clock I finally decided that I had to answer. I would be brief, I told myself. I would just let him know that I was okay and that would be it.

"Hi, Jake," I answered softly.

"Where were you? I tried to call earlier but you didn't answer."

He sounded a little upset, and I tried to come up with some kind of answer. I could tell him I had to stay late at work. Or that I had to go to the store after I got off. I could have told him so many things. Instead, I stumbled over a half-formed answer. I couldn't even complete a sentence.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I couldn't tell him the truth. I hated doing it after we'd gained so much ground with each other over the last weeks, but I really didn't have a choice. "Yeah, I'll be okay."

"You can talk to me, Nessie."

My jaw trembled, and I swallowed thickly to keep from crying. "I know, Jake. I know, but… I can't right now. I'm sorry." I prayed he would understand. I needed to think of my dad right now.

"Do you want me to come over there?"

Oh, god did I want that. I wanted it so bad it hurt. But I felt guilty for wanting that when it was my dad I should be thinking of and remembering. "No, not right now. I just… I need some time." It hurt to lie to him like this. I didn't want any time; I wanted to kiss him and hold him and have him soothe away all of my tears. It would never be that easy, I told myself.

"Okay, Ness. That's okay." I breathed a sigh of relief. "How was work?"

"It was… okay," I said pathetically. "Did you go to the doctor today?"

"Yeah, he gave me a new pill to try." He didn't sound as happy as I thought he would. I figured it would probably take some time.

"That's good. I hope it works well for you." I really did. I prayed it helped him so he could feel better.

"Yeah, me too. I'll let you know it works?"

I wondered why he questioned it. Maybe I was reading into it much more than I should have, but it almost sounded like he was worried. Worried about what? Could he hear something in my voice that gave away what I was feeling for him, and our separation was getting closer? I shook my head; that was ridiculous.

"Yeah, Jake. Let me know."

"I'll see you Saturday, right?"

My heart hurt worse at his words. "Of course. If… if you still want to come over."

"Yeah, I do. We haven't gone anywhere in a while; do you want to go to dinner or something?"

I closed my eyes. I really, really wanted to have some time with Jake just to myself. Just him and me and my couch. He was right, though; we hadn't gone anywhere in a while. I couldn't ask him to stay here with me again. But was it really okay to go out and do something like that when it was the anniversary of my dad's death?

I… Um…" I couldn't explain this to him. Not without going into everything I didn't want to say right now. "Yeah, that would be good."

"If you don't want to, Ness, you can tell me. I won't be upset."

I heard the lie in his voice, and it only hurt me worse. "I do want to, Jake." Why couldn't I explain this simply with only a few words? Why did it have to be so damn complicated?

"Okay, Saturday it is. You gonna be okay?"

I would make myself okay by Saturday. I had to. "I'll be fine."

After we hung up, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Wednesday and Thursday were almost worse than Tuesday in their own way. And yet, at the same time, they could never compare. My skin was in an almost constant state of irritation, no matter how many times I put lotion on or took cornstarch baths. I was told on Thursday that if I disappeared again for any length of time without talking to Kelly first, I would have my final written notice and be put on probation. I honestly didn't care. How easy it was to forget about money and the need for it when I was faced with this kind of heartache every day.

I didn't dare to call Jake again to talk to him. I knew if I heard his voice I'd break apart, and it wouldn't be fair to call him then not say anything. He didn't call me either, and I wasn't sure why that hurt me so badly. I missed him in a way I didn't think was healthy, and I tried hard to put it behind me.

It seemed as if I were fighting two battles at the same time. On one hand, there was my dad. On top of everything else I had to deal with, I wanted to somehow honor him. I didn't know what to do. I felt so lost and lonely and scared, but I wanted to somehow show my dad that I hadn't forgotten about him. I felt so guilty for having other things on my mind.

And on the other hand―the other things on my mind―I had my situation with Jacob. Every time I went into the kitchen, my fingers itched to reach for the phone and call him. I wanted so badly to hear his voice, but I knew it wouldn't help. It would only make me miss him more. I wanted to see him and be with him. It felt strange in an awful way to be torn between two situations like this.

I did something new on Friday. I was so sick of being torn up, and I just wanted to be free of it for a moment. I wanted something new to take precedence in my mind and give me relief from all the torture. My skin was still tingling. I knew it was a horrible, stupid thing to do, but I did it anyway. On my lunch, I went outside.

I walked around to the back of the building where I knew I could be alone. The area was huge and had three brick walls almost surrounding the place. A few dumpsters stood against one of the walls. There were no tables or chairs or anything remotely hospitable since it wasn't meant to be used as anything but a quick way to get from one place to another.

After fifteen minutes, my arms and face started to tingle worse. I ignored it and stayed, holding my arms out to my sides and tilting my face up to the sky. The tingle turned to a burn and still I focused every ounce of attention I could on the feel of it. I focused on the slight itch that offset the intensity of the burn and yet made it hurt worse at the same time. I focused on the differences in the way the bare skin of my arms and face reacted to the heat and the way the covered skin of my chest, stomach, and legs warmed up and felt good.

When I went back inside, my arms and neck were a little stiff and my skin hurt when I'd accidentally brush something like my arm across my jeans as I walked. I studied my arms when I was back at my desk. They were a little red, but no rashes or blisters yet. They'd come, though. By the time I left that night, the rash had started to show in small red blotches on my hands.

I woke up Saturday morning hating myself for what I'd done the day before. The itching was much worse as it often was the day after too much sun. I took a bath and spent the majority of the day in bed. There was a part of me that wanted to call Jacob and cancel our plans, but I couldn't convince myself to do it. I knew that once he saw me, he'd probably want to cancel anyway. The red blotches were on my hands, forearms, and face, and I didn't think he'd like the idea of being seen with me like that.

Jacob showed up at five o'clock. He came in the house and closed the door behind him. "What happened?" he asked, grabbing my hand and holding my arm out to examine it. "Did someone hurt you, Nessie?"

My heart skipped a beat in the face of his concern. "Nobody hurt me."

"Then what happened?"

I took my arm back and prepared myself for the reaction most people had. "I was just outside a little too long yesterday. That's all." I shrugged.

"That's all?" He grabbed my arm again. "How long were you out?"

I shrugged again. "Just the half hour of my lunch."

His brow furrowed. "But you said it doesn't happen like this unless you've been out an hour or so. Nessie, please don't lie to me."

"I'm really not lying, Jake. I usually can handle it up to an hour, and this rash really isn't all that bad. But I've been a little… stressed lately, and that affects it a great deal."

He was quiet for a second before he pulled me into a hug. My arms and face stung a little with the contact but I still pushed myself against him. It felt so good to finally be able to touch him again. My lips betrayed me and puckered into his chest like I was trying to kiss him. I caught myself and pulled back, praying his shirt had kept him from feeling my traitorous lips.

"What are you stressed about?" He rubbed my back and all of the pain came rushing back to the forefront. I tried to shake my head and tell him it was nothing. He all but dragged me to the couch and sat down with me, pulling me into his chest again. "Don't tell me you're okay, Nessie. We both know you're not. Please talk to me."

I gave in and told him. He held me tightly as I told him about my dad's anniversary and how I felt so guilty. I didn't tell him exactly what I was guilty about, and I hoped he'd come to his own conclusions instead of asking. He seemed to, because he held me even tighter still and kissed the top of my head. It felt so good to talk about my dad, even when it hurt so badly to remember him. I kept talking, even when it seemed like my throat would close off. I forced the words out as I thought of each memory.

"Your birthday's in a week?"

I hadn't realized I'd mentioned my birthday. I had mentioned the party my dad had been planning for me, though. "It's on Wednesday; I'll be twenty."

He nodded against my head. "We should do something for you then."

I sat up and shook my head. "No; I can't."

I felt his hand on my back. "Why not? It will be fun. I know you don't like cake, but we can do brownies. No icing or nuts."

I smiled in spite of myself. "I'm sorry, Jake. I don't celebrate my birthday." I stood up.

Jacob stood up with me before I could speak again. "Why not? It's your birthday; you've got to do something. At least let me do something."

Something clawed at my chest and new tears formed. "I can't let you do something, Jake; it's not right."

"What's not right? The fact that I want to do something for you? It's been two years since your dad died, Nessie. Two years and you've told me you haven't had anyone in your life since then. Let me be with you, please?"

I looked up at the ceiling and wondered where all this came from. Why was it so important to him that I have a birthday celebration? As far as I knew, he hadn't passed any significant anniversaries other than a few months with his dad's death. Did he just not realize that it wasn't right to be happy when you should be so sad?

"Jake, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But you don't understand. I can't do anything. It's just not right."

I was surprised when he came up to me and grabbed the tops of my arms in a harsh hold. It stung and I barely held in my hiss of pain.

"This is ridiculous, Nessie. Why are you doing this to yourself? Stop shutting me out, dammit." His hands loosened their grip on my arms and I pulled away from him.

I had to look away because the expression in his eyes said I'd honestly hurt him by stepping back. I thought I'd been doing so well, but I realized that I was just straddling the line. I couldn't go out anywhere with Jake because of my skin, and I knew my thoughts wouldn't linger on my dad if he stayed. My stomach churned, and I felt like I was going to be sick as I said my next words.

"I know you don't understand, Jake. That's okay, though; I just wish I could make you see. But right now… right now I think it would be best if we didn't do anything together today."

I was surprised when my voice didn't break. My heart did. It broke into smaller pieces as he stared at me, uncertainty and pain written all over his face. God, how could I hurt him? I needed him to leave so I could go vomit in peace.

"What do you…? This is… Why…?" He stopped and took a deep breath as he ran his fingers through his hair. "What am I doing?" he said quietly, probably talking to himself.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I said lamely.

Something changed in him then. He looked up at me, and when I met his eyes, they were hard and cold. They weren't pain anymore; they were anger. It made my stomach clench again.

"Yeah, me too," he said coldly. My aching stomach dropped, and my heart beat so hard it hurt. "I've tried to be here for you, Nessie. I've tried to help you and make sure you had someone to talk to. Why did I do any of that if this is what you're going to do?" He turned from me and took another deep breath. "Obviously I thought all this shit was more important than it really was."

I shook my head, but he didn't see it. He started toward the door, and my heart was choking me as I ran forward and grabbed his arm. I couldn't let him leave like this; not when we were both upset. I would try, for him. I would explain everything about my birthday and let him decide what to do with it. Just as long as he didn't leave like this. His skin was hot against my fingers, and it only scared me more.

"Jake, wait,"

He recoiled from me, pulling his arm back quickly and staring down at me with such anger that I actually shrank away from him.

"Don't." His voice was little more than a growl. He turned to storm out. The door slammed behind him, and my heart shattered just as loudly. I heard his car door slam and the engine revved.

I stood there in the living room half wondering what happened and half already breaking apart. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't nauseous anymore. I felt sick, but not in the way that made me want to throw up. I felt sick in a way that made me wish I had never existed. If I just left and walked away from everything I had, would Jake be okay? If I sacrificed everything I had―my life if I had to―would he make it home safely?

I didn't know how long I stood there staring at the door before the first sob broke through. It burned my throat as it broke some kind of dam inside me, and suddenly it all came rushing through.

I fell down to my knees and bent over as I sobbed, gasping in breaths that gave me no relief. My chest was ripped in half over and over again, and I just prayed that he would be okay.

* * *

I stayed on the floor long after the tears had subsided. It felt wrong to not have any more tears to shed, but try as I might, they wouldn't come anymore.

When crying didn't work, I tried to be numb. I hadn't made myself numb like before in so long that it was difficult. I couldn't close off all emotion the way I'd been able to before I met Jacob, but at least it was enough to allow me to move again. All through the day I found myself remembering and re-remembering the last few words we'd exchanged before he left and wondering what exactly he'd meant.

I gave him a few hours to calm down before I tried to call him. I needed to apologize and set things straight. He didn't answer. As much as I tried to tell myself it wasn't the same, all I could think about was trying to call my dad's phone on the day he died. This wasn't the same situation, I told myself. Jacob was fine.

But how would I know? If something had happened to him, the hospital wouldn't call me. I wasn't listed as home on Jake's phone. I realized I had no idea if Jacob had any family. Did he have anyone to call if something happened? I knew he had Leah, but she wasn't his sister. If he didn't have anyone else, would they call her?

I was surprised at how upset I was at that thought. I didn't want them to call her; I wanted them to call me.

No I didn't. I didn't want a call.

I tried to call him one more time that night. When he didn't answer, I told myself I'd just call him in the morning. He would be fine. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

Jacob didn't answer again on Sunday. I hoped that he was just really mad at me. I could handle that so much better than the prospect of him being hurt. He was just really, really upset, and it was possible that I'd hurt him so bad he'd never speak to me again. If he was alive and well, then I could live with that. I hoped.

Not knowing if he was okay ate at me every second of the day. I wasn't surprised when he didn't answer my last call on Sunday before I cried myself to sleep again.

When I opened eyes Sunday night, I was sure I was dreaming. It felt the same as all the other dreams I'd had, but it looked a little different. It looked newer. The lights in the hospital hallway were still dim and it was still deserted, but the hallway wasn't as long. It was as though I'd started my dream in the middle of my walk down the hallway.

My feet carried me forward, and while I prayed for a different ending I knew it wasn't going to happen. I pushed open the double doors and looked up to see Dr. Nicks and Dr. Peers standing by the table with the covered body.

"_Come and see_," Dr. Nicks said.

I walked numbly like I always did up to the table and watched as Dr. Peers pulled back the sheet.

I'd been expecting bronze hair and pale complexion. At the first peek of black hair, I knew what was happening. I tried to close my eyes and turn around, or just wake up. Wake up… Please, just fucking wake up!

It was the same, but it was so different. His skin was tan like it had always been, but it still had the sickening greenish hue. My fingers reached out and touched him even when I was all but screaming in my head to stop. His skin was cold and clammy like it always was with my dad. And yet, somehow I always expected it with him. It was so _wrong_ to feel no warmth from Jacob's skin.

Then I saw his eyes. Instead of the intense darkness and life I always saw there, there was nothing. Even though I'd been expecting it—it was what I always saw here—I wasn't prepared. His eyes were dull and matte black, just staring straight into nothing. I shook my head, but my eyes would not look away.

"_No. You can't do this_." I finally tore my eyes away and looked up at Dr. Nicks. "_You can't do this to him!_"

I woke up with a strangled cry and curled myself into a ball on my bed, the pillow crushed to my chest. It was only a dream and Jacob was fine. He had to be.

It was after noon when I had cried myself out and was able to move again. I walked slowly out to the living room and had just sat down when the phone rang.

My heart was in my throat as I launched myself off the couch and ran to get the phone.

"Hello?"

"Renesmee? Where the hell are you?"

My heart fell so fast it nearly choked me.

"Hi, Kelly. Um… I'm not able to come in today. I'm sorry." My eyes watered and I just hung up, interrupting whatever it was she was trying to say. I went back to the couch and cried again.

It was nearly one o'clock when I realized I could not keep doing this. I needed some kind of proof that he was okay. I didn't have Leah's phone number to call her and find out. I only had his number, which he obviously refused to answer. There was no way for me to know for sure until he decided to contact me again. Which, given his aggravated state when he left, could be never.

I couldn't let that happen. I needed to explain my side of it and let him decide. I needed to find some way to compromise with him. There had to be a way; something that would make him happy. I'd give in and let him do anything he wanted for my birthday if he even still cared enough to want to.

I remembered that I knew where he worked. He'd told me once where the site of his current job was. It was a good hour and a half away when walking. I swallowed, considering my options. I could sit here and wait for him to decide he was ready to see me again, or I could suck it up and go to him. It was Monday; he'd be working.

Fuck it. I didn't care what happened to me. I needed to know that he was okay and have the chance to explain my side. With that, I got dressed and grabbed my key before walking out the door.

* * *

A/N: *hides* Be gentle? I swear I have my reasons.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	16. The Same

A/N: I love you, my readers. I didn't make it very clear that Jake did not go a psychiatrist to get his medication changed. He went to a regular physician. I apologize for any confusion; it is kind of important. You'll see why in this chapter.

According to my sister (Master's in psychology and going for Doctorate) and the research I've done, over half of people with mental health problems (depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc) go to a regular doctor to get their medications. My dad is one of them; he goes to his physician to get antidepressants for severe depression. Leah shares my viewpoint on this topic.

I don't own anything. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Fifteen

The Same

_You and me are the same  
We don't know or care who's the blame  
But we know that whoever holds the reins  
Nothing will change; our cause has gone insane_

- United States of Eurasia – Muse

* * *

_**Jacob**_

"Jake?"

I kept my head down and ignored her. I heard something crunch, probably her stepping on the broken glass near the door. I gripped my hair harder and took a deep breath.

"Oh, my God. Jacob, what the hell…? Where are you?"

I closed my eyes tightly. I knew she'd find me soon enough; I could never hide from Leah for very long. It was cowardly, but I kept my mouth shut anyway. I listened to her as she moved through the living room. She commented on the state of things there, and it hurt me to hear. I'd have to explain the holes in the walls and the shattered glass on the floor, and I didn't want to.

I didn't look up when I heard her in the doorway. She sighed and sat down next to me on the bed.

"What happened, Jake?" she asked softly. She put her hand on my back. As much as I wanted to shrug it off, it felt good.

I shook my head as much as I could. I didn't want to talk about what happened. I'd gone over to Nessie's the day before to hopefully take her out to dinner and get her to tell me why she was withdrawing from me. At the first sight of her red skin, I knew she'd be staying inside. I didn't care; I just wanted to be with her. She told me how it was the anniversary of her dad's death, and I did feel quite a bit better knowing that she wasn't trying to shut herself off from me. She talked about him for a few minutes, just seemingly random things about the few months before he died. When she said that he'd been planning a birthday party for her, I thought I saw a way to help her through her sadness. I probably should have known better.

If I'd had medicine that worked, I might not have gotten so upset when she argued with me. I told myself over and over to calm down, but she just wouldn't stop. She kept acting like it was the worst thing imaginable to have a damn birthday party. Then she told me to leave. She said it was better if we weren't together. Like her whole day would have been better if I hadn't shown up. Later, after I'd had a chance to calm down, I realized that probably wasn't the case. But at that moment, all I could think was that Nessie didn't want to see me anymore.

It hurt worse than I thought it would. I couldn't even look at her as I walked out of the house and went back home. I tried to calm down, but every part of me was consumed. All I could see was her face as I left, wide-eyed and terrified.

Leah's hand pried my fingers out of my hair. I didn't have it in me to fight with her. I let her take my hand.

"Jake, please talk to me. What the hell happened in the living room?"

"Me."

"Well, I got that much. But why?"

"Nessie hates me."

"I highly doubt that, Jake. What happened?"

I glanced at Leah. She was concerned, but there was a hint of annoyance in her eyes. She raised an eyebrow. I gave up, knowing she wouldn't back down until I did. I told her what had happened the day before. I didn't look at her as I told her how I'd come home and punched holes in the walls. After the anger had melted away, I all but locked myself in my room. I hadn't moved for anything.

Nessie had tried to call a few times, but I couldn't answer. Every time her name showed up on my phone, I just wanted to hang myself.

"You need to talk to her, Jake."

I sat up straight and looked at her. "And say what, Leah? 'I'm sorry I'm such a goddamn fuck-up?'"

"You are not a fuck-up. She obviously wants to talk to you if she keeps calling. Would you like me to go talk to her?" She stood up, and my anger reappeared.

I got up and took one step toward her. "If you say one word to her—"

"What? What will you do if I talk to her? Jacob, I understand you had a fight, but you and I fight all the time. We forgive each other all the time. The same will happen with Nessie, okay?"

I wanted to hit something again. "Will you just keep your fucking nose out of it?"

"No, I won't. I won't because you didn't go to work today, you haven't eaten, and have you seen what you did to your living room? All because you had a fight with Nessie. I think that makes it pretty damn obvious you need some help."

"I don't need any goddamn help."

"You need a goddamn therapist."

I was so close to losing it. I didn't want to. I wanted to be calm like before and be able to talk about shit without this urge to destroy things. I glared at her as I counted in my head.

"Jake, listen to me. I'm not saying you're crazy, okay? I'm saying you need a therapist who can help you figure out this medicine thing better than a physician. I've said it before, and I'm going to keep saying it."

"My doctor is fine."

"Your doctor is an asshole who thinks you'd be better on Lithium than something that would actually help you. Do you even know what this new medicine is? Did the doctor give you any information at all? Don't you think that maybe it would be better if you had someone who could tell you what exactly the medicine does to your brain and how it's supposed to help?"

"Fuck. Off. Leah." We'd had this argument before. I hadn't been to a therapist since I was twenty, although Leah tried to convince me every single time I had an issue with medicine.

"Just think about it, okay? You and Nessie should both see someone."

I narrowed my eyes and stepped closer. "What makes you think Nessie needs a shrink?"

She laughed. Actually fucking laughed. "Are you kidding me, Jake? You've told me she can't think or talk about her dad without freaking out. You had that fight because she wouldn't let you do anything for her birthday. Don't you think that's just a little bit abnormal?"

I didn't want to think about it. Nessie was fine. I was fine. "Get out of my house, Leah."

She touched my arm, but I smacked her hand away. "Okay. I'll see you at work tomorrow. If you don't show up, I'll be back to drag you in. I'm not going to let you stay here and wallow in self-destruction." She turned without another word and walked out. Good fucking riddance.

I sat back down on my bed and ignored my cell phone when it rang. I didn't want to think about what Leah had said about Nessie. At the same time, I knew she was right. Hadn't I thought it wasn't normal, back before my meds stopped working? If Nessie could get help for her breakdowns, she'd be so much happier. She'd probably fight it as much as I fought it. She might not be very strong physically, but she was just as stubborn as I was sometimes.

After a few hours, I finally admitted that Leah was right. About Nessie, anyway. My doctor was fine. The meds would work, and I'd be well again for a while. I decided I'd go see Ness after work the next day. If she forgave me the way Leah said she would, I'd try to figure out a way to bring up therapy without insulting her.

I finally left my room and cleaned up what I could in the living room. I'd have to patch the holes in the walls, but that wouldn't be difficult. I could probably get them all done in one day. Maybe I'd do that on Tuesday. I was almost surprised to find myself somewhat calm that night as I went to bed. It felt nice.

I got up Monday and got ready for work. Leah was already there when I pulled up. She looked relieved to see me.

"How are you?" she asked.

I shrugged as we walked to get our tools and shit together. "I'm not ready to kill something."

"That's good. A step in the right direction. Have you talked to Nessie yet?"

I took off my shirt and shook my head as I put on the tool belt. "No, not yet. But I'm going to go see her after work."

Leah nodded. "Good."

We went to work and did what we did every damn day. It was a decent day. Jack had come back to work at the end of the previous week, but somehow had the sense to stay far away from me.

At three o'clock, the foreman came to get me. "Jake, you got a visitor." He sounded irritated.

I looked at Leah. She just shrugged her shoulders. I sighed and figured it was probably someone from MedicAid. There was no end to the things they would do to get money. I thought about getting my shirt, but decided against it. I could probably intimidate the fucker into leaving.

I looked around once I got out and squinted against the light. I stopped in my tracks the instant I saw her auburn hair. It was unmistakable. She was unmistakable. She was standing there by the fence, staring at nothing with a distant look on her face. Her very red face.

_Oh, shit! _

I ran over to her. "Nessie? What the hell are you doing here?" I grabbed her arms. She hissed, and I let her go immediately. "What the fuck are you thinking?"

She met my eyes, and hers were so full of pain it made my knees weak. It wasn't like the emotional pain I was used to seeing; it was physical pain. "I'm so…" Her voice wasn't more than a whisper and she sucked in a breath like just talking hurt her. I could see why; her lips were so red and dry that they looked like they'd crack at any second. I put my hand on her back and started to lead her to the office. Her steps were slow and confused, and I held her waist to keep her from falling. The office was deserted, thankfully, and I made her sit in the chair.

"Stay here. I'll be right back. Don't move."

She didn't give any indication that she understood or agreed, but I figured I could catch up to her if she tried to run. I left the office and found the foreman quickly.

"I need to leave. I'm sorry, but this is an emergency."

He sighed and crossed his arms. "You didn't show up yesterday, and now you want to leave early?"

It took everything in me to not kick his teeth out. "Like I said, this is an emergency. I'll explain later."

I didn't give him time to argue with me again. I grabbed my stuff and went back to the office, relieved and yet terrified to see Nessie still sitting in the same spot. Her eyes were closed and her head rested back on the chair so she was facing the ceiling. She looked up when I walked in, but the movement was slow and awkward.

I tugged my shirt on before reaching over to her. "Come on, Nessie."

She didn't fight me when I helped her up and to my car. She hissed in pain every few seconds and whimpered loudly when she sat down in the car. I was terrified for her and had no idea what to do.

"Are you okay to go home?" I asked.

It took a few seconds, but she nodded. I wasn't sure I believed her. "Do you have a doctor I can take you to?"

She shook her head. "I want to go home."

"Ness, you need… something. If I can't take you to your doctor, I'll take you to the hospital."

Her eyes widened and she looked over at me. "No, please. I swear I'm fine to go home. I know it looks bad, but I'll be okay."

I narrowed my eyes at her. Her eyes started to water as she stared at me, and I gave in. I took her home and walked her up to the door. It was locked.

"Where's your key?"

"My pocket." She tried to reach into her pocket. Her face scrunched in pain and she hissed again. I pulled her arm back.

"It's okay; I'll get it." I got the key out of her pocket and unlocked the door. I tried not to be too hasty as I took her inside. Once she was in, I shut the door and breathed a sigh of relief.

We were both silent for a moment. I didn't know what the hell I was expecting, but suddenly it was awkward. Was I expecting her to just magically be all better? After a minute or two of just standing in her living room, reaching out to her when she swayed every few seconds, I really looked her over.

Her hair was tangled and looked like it hadn't been brushed in a while. Her face was red, but it wasn't just red in color. She had a rash. Her skin was blotchy and looked like a bad case of rosacea. What was worse was that I could see the start of some small blisters on her nose and forehead. Her arms had the same rash. She'd worn a short-sleeved shirt, and I wondered briefly if she was trying to get herself sick.

"Tell me what to do, Ness? How can I help?"

She licked her lips and winced. She turned and walked slowly with her wobbly step down the hall, and I followed her. In the bathroom she picked up a bottle of lotion. She winced when she tried to open it.

"Can I help?" I held out my hand.

She looked up at me for a second before she handed the bottle to me. "Come out here; there's more room."

She nodded and followed me out to the living room. She sat on the couch, and I sat beside her. I opened the lotion and squeezed some of it out onto my hand.

"What's the best way to do this so I don't hurt you?"

She shrugged and winced. "There's not really a best way."

I nodded and rubbed my hands together before starting on her arm closest to me. She whimpered. I tried to be gentle and still get it all rubbed in. Neither of us said anything as I applied the lotion. She just watched me with a strange mix of emotions in her eyes. I knelt down in front of her to do her face.

"Please tell me what you were doing," I finally said.

She sighed. "I wanted to see you."

I stifled a flurry of anger. "That was really stupid, Nessie. And why the hell didn't you dress better? Look at what you've done to yourself." I held up her arm. Like she couldn't fucking feel it.

She kept her eyes down, and I saw a tear fall down her cheek. "I'm sorry."

"I just don't understand. How long were you outside?"

She shook her head like she didn't want to tell me. I was determined to get an answer out of her. I knew how far it was from her house to the site; she had to have been out at least an hour. I hooked my fingers under her chin and made her look up at me. She winced, and I tried to be gentle.

"Tell me, Nessie. How long were you out?"

She licked her lips and swallowed, but still refused to meet my eyes. "I left at one."

"You were outside for two goddamn hours? Nessie, what the fuck were you thinking? Jesus Christ, you could have… fuck!" I stood up.

"I'm really sorry, Jake. I just… I had to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine, Ness. You should be worrying about yourself, not me. What the hell were you trying to do?"

She finally looked up and met my eyes. "You left so angry on Saturday, and I was so… I thought… I just had to make sure you were okay." She looked back down at her hands.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I was still pissed at myself for what had happened, and it just hurt worse to have her bring it up.

"I was being really stupid. It's just that… my dad… I'm sorry." She sniffled, and it hurt my heart.

I sat back down next to her and touched her back lightly. "I'm sorry for Saturday, Nessie. I promise I'm okay, though. I'm not mad anymore."

She shook her head again. "You don't understand, Jacob. You just don't know what it's like to leave something like that and never have the chance to make it okay." She glanced up at me, and somehow it all clicked into place. She'd done this to herself because I left in the middle of a fight. Her dad had died after leaving in the middle of a fight. I had never felt like a bigger asshole in all my life.

"I didn't think, Nessie. I'm so sorry." I touched her hair because it seemed like the only safe place to touch her. "God, I am so sorry."

She sniffled. "Yell at me, Jake. Yell and scream and throw things―I don't care. Just please… Please don't ever leave like that again." Her lips trembled and another tear slipped down her cheek.

"I promise." I would promise the ends of the earth if it could make this right. "I swear it will never happen again. Can you forgive me?"

She nodded without hesitation. "Of course I forgive you. I'm just so… so happy you're okay."

I wanted to cry with her. What had I ever done to deserve her forgiveness and relieved tears? I took her hand, and her face scrunched up as she hissed. I dropped her hand and moved back a little.

"I'm sorry; are you okay?" Dammit, I wanted to comfort her.

She nodded. "Yeah, just my stupid skin."

"What can I do? Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor?"

She met my eyes, and hers were pleading. "I don't have a doctor I go to regularly, and I can't go to the hospital."

"Why not?"

"I just can't. Please, Jake, I am begging you not to make me go."

I pursed my lips and stared at her. It wasn't hard to tell she was afraid of going to the hospital. I wondered why. "You're really sure that you'll be okay without going to a doctor?"

"I'm sure. This has happened before; I just need to stay inside for a while."

"How long?"

"Probably about a week. I'll be fine."

I felt a little better about the situation. I didn't like the thought of this happening before, but I was okay with letting her stay home if she knew from experience that she would be okay. "All right, but you have to let me help you. There has to be something else I can do."

She sighed, and it sounded both relieved and annoyed. "I have some numbing cream that I rarely use. I think it's still in the bathroom."

I didn't hesitate to go find it. Her medicine cabinet had very little except a worn and near empty tube of chapstick and the numbing cream she'd talked about. I grabbed both and went back out to her. I offered her the chapstick and she smiled slightly before she winced.

"Thank you." She put some on and sighed when I opened the numbing cream.

"So how does this work? Do I just put it on like the lotion?"

"Yeah, probably. I would usually only put it on the areas that hurt, but I pretty much hurt everywhere."

I didn't like that, but I dug out some cream and started spreading it over her arms. When I was finished, my fingers were pretty numb too. At least I had proof that it worked.

"How's that?"

She nodded. "Better, thank you."

I sat up on the couch next to her and wiped my fingers on my jeans. It was a little surprising how well the numbing cream actually worked. I touched my fingertips together, pushing harder to determine how much I could feel. I looked up at her when she chuckled.

"It really works, huh?"

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah. That's good, though."

We were silent for a few minutes as I tried to decide what exactly I was doing. I didn't want to leave her. There was a good chance she'd need something or another, and I had no idea if she could do everything by herself. I didn't want to just assume that she needed help, but I wanted to be there if she did. Finally she sighed and turned to look at me.

"You don't have to stay here, Jake. I'll be okay."

I reached out and touched her hair. "If it's okay, Nessie, I'd rather stay."

She met my eyes for a few seconds. "I want you to stay."

I leaned in and kissed the side of her head, making sure I only touched her hair. "Thank you."

"I have nothing for you to do, but you can stay as long as you want."

I smirked. "That's not true. There's plenty for us to do."

"Like what?"

"You've got those cards I left here. Do you think you'd be able to play?"

She looked at her hands. "I think so, but you'd have to be really patient with me."

"I can do patience." I would find a way to be patient for her.

She winced when her lips spread in a smile. "If you want to play cards, I wouldn't object."

I got the cards from the kitchen and did all the shuffling and dealing as we played three rounds of poker. She still had no poker face. I let her win the first round, but the look on her face said she knew I'd cheated in her favor. I won the other two games. After the card games we sat back on the couch.

"Does it still hurt?" I asked, gesturing to her arms. It was probably a pretty stupid question.

She nodded. "Yeah, it does. But it's normal. It usually hurts for a few days until it starts healing."

I sighed and rubbed her back a little, thankful that she didn't wince. "Is there really nothing else that can help?"

"Benadryl can help, but I don't have any. And sometimes a bath with cornstarch can ease the itching." She shrugged.

"Does it itch?" It seemed strange that I should even have to ask that question; it was a rash from an allergy. And yet, I knew next to nothing about what she was going through.

"Yeah, it itches really badly. I want to scratch it, but it only makes it hurt worse so I try not to."

I wanted to rub her arms to ease the pain, but I knew that it wouldn't do anything but make it worse. "You said Benadryl can help? Would you like me to get you some?"

She looked up at me. "You don't have to do that, Jacob. I'll be fine."

I sighed and leaned forward so I could keep eye contact with her. "Listen to me, Nessie. I know I don't have to, but I want to help you. And it has nothing to do with guilt, so don't even think that." That was only partially true. I was to blame for what she'd done, and I was determined to make it right. But even though I knew it was my fault, I also knew I'd want to help her no matter what the situation was.

She smiled a little and sighed again. "As long as you don't feel obligated to help me, then I don't mind. I just don't want you to feel like you have to, because I swear I'll be fine."

"In that case, I'm going to get you some Benadryl. I'll be back in just a minute, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay. Be careful."

I kissed her head. "Always. Is there anything else at all that will help you? Do you have more of that lotion?"

"I don't have more, no, but that should be enough for what I need. Aloe helps a lot. But really, I think I have everything I need other than the Benadryl."

I nodded and left. If I had ever doubted what she was claiming about her condition―which I never did―I would be a believer now. It was difficult to believe that two hours in the sun had done that to her, but the proof was there.

At the store, I went straight to the pharmacy and grabbed a box of Benadryl then went to the line for the pharmacist. I hoped that they'd know what her condition was and tell me if there was anything else. I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to at least make her comfortable while her skin healed. The pharmacist didn't have a lot of information, but said some aloe gel and a cornstarch bath would help. I grabbed some Tylenol, too, hoping it could help with her pain.

Nessie groaned when I came back with two bags.

"You're not allowed to say anything, Nessie," I said as I sat beside her. "If there's something here that won't help you, tell me and I'll take it back. Otherwise you're not going to gripe about it, okay?"

She met my eyes and I saw how much she wanted to argue with me. Instead, she sighed and nodded. "Okay."

We went through the things I'd gotten. I had gotten a few extra things that had aloe in it. She looked grateful when I showed her the new tube of chapstick. In the end, everything stayed. I was pretty proud of myself.

"You said that this has happened before; was it a long time ago?"

She looked down and nodded. "Yeah. It's happened twice. Once was when, um… when my dad died."

She was quiet for a minute. I bent down to try to meet her eyes, but hers were closed. I rubbed her back gently. "What about the other time?"

She sniffled and looked at me. "Remember when I told you about Greg?"

"The guy you thought was your boyfriend until he saw your skin break out?" The guy I wanted to kick the shit out of for hurting her.

She nodded. "Yeah. I was sixteen. I kind of liked him. He was a nerd and got made fun of a lot, and I think that's what I liked about him. He was unlikable, just like me. He asked me out one day, and I was allowed to go. Greg knew about my condition and told me we could be somewhere without sunlight. He ended up taking me to Enchanted Island, the amusement park." She shuddered, and I leaned in a little.

"I don't suppose Greg lives anywhere close, does he?"

She chuckled. "I don't know. And even if I did, you wouldn't bother him."

No, I wouldn't bother him. I'd kill him. "Oh, come on. It would be fun."

She just shook her head. "I ended up calling my dad to come get me. By the time I made it home, I looked pretty close to this."

I kissed her head. It wasn't lost on me that she'd mentioned her dad without crying. I was impressed and hoped it could last. I didn't expect her to never cry over him again―that would be selfish and irrational―but I did hope that it meant someday she could remember him without breaking down. I wasn't sure if now was the right time to bring up therapy. I decided to wait. If I wanted her to consider it, it had to be right.

We played a few more card games and got into a lighthearted argument about the rules of 'Go Fish'. It felt nice to argue with her like this, without getting angry. I hoped it meant the new medicine was working.

A few hours later, my stomach growled. "Are you hungry?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, a little. I can make something if you want."

"No, you stay there. I'll figure something out for us." I got up and went to the kitchen. She followed me.

"You don't have to—"

"I know I don't have to, Ness." I opened the fridge to look for something we could both have.

"Jake, I can make something." She put her hand on the door of the fridge.

I stared at the red blotches for a second and took a deep breath. I was not going to get upset with her. "Wouldn't it hurt your hands?"

She pulled her hand away and shrugged. "I'm fine."

Dammit, that was ridiculous. She had to know I wasn't going to fall for it. "Go sit down. Looks like you've got everything for stroganoff. Sound okay?"

She sighed. "Can I at least help?"

"Can you help without hurting yourself?" I knew she couldn't.

She pursed her lips and winced. She huffed; my point had just been proven.

"Please, Nessie. I'll be fine with this. Just go sit down."

I wasn't sure if I was surprised or not when she went without anymore arguing. I found my way around her kitchen without too much trouble and made probably the worst stroganoff Nessie had ever seen. I wasn't the best cook in the world. She didn't complain, though, so at least it was edible.

After dinner, things got awkward again. I didn't want to leave in case Nessie had any problems, but at the same time I was more than a little nervous to tell her I was staying the night. I didn't let her help me clean up because every time she tried, she winced. She glared at me a little, but I put it behind me. She could be upset; I wasn't letting her hurt herself.

Once everything was cleaned, I went back to the living room with her. She looked a little miffed about something, but I assumed it was my stubbornness on the cleaning issue.

"Where do you want me?" I asked, hoping I could just make it that easy.

She looked up at me and something passed through her eyes that had me confused. She immediately looked away, her eyes going to the floor. "What do you mean?"

I sighed; of course it wasn't going to be that easy. "If it's okay with you, Nessie, I would really like to stay near you tonight in case you need anything. Is it okay if I crash on the couch?"

She didn't look at me for a long time. She stared at the couch. I was starting to panic a little when she finally looked up and met my eyes.

"Are you sure you want to stay here? That couch really isn't comfortable."

I shrugged. "I can sleep just about anywhere, Ness. I'll be fine."

She sighed deeply and nodded. "You can stay."

She got ready for bed not long after that. It wasn't even eight yet, but I wasn't about to complain when she came out in a pair of cotton pajama bottoms that seemed made for her. They hugged her hips and ass, but the legs were long and wide. They looked comfortable, which was good, and also very sexy. She hadn't changed her shirt, and a small part of me wondered why.

"You ready for bed?" I asked as I helped her put on more of the numbing cream.

"I think so. I'm sorry; I get tired really early. A side affect, I guess, of sleeping away almost two years of my life." She shrugged, but I could tell she was embarrassed.

I tried to hug her, but I couldn't figure out how to do it without hurting her. I kissed her head instead. "Don't worry about it, Ness. Sleep well. I'll be fine right here. And holler if you need anything, okay?"

She nodded and smiled her best smile without moving her lips much. "Thank you."

As much as I wanted to, I didn't follow her down the hall. I sighed and sat down on the couch, wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself. I wasn't close to tired. I lay back on the couch anyway. It really wasn't that comfortable, but I hadn't lied to Nessie. I could sleep anywhere. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I gave up easily, though; there was no hope for me to fall asleep yet.

I got up and went to her little bookcase in the corner and looked over the titles she had. I didn't find anything that I would want to read, so I decided to look around. I hoped she wouldn't mind.

The walls were bare with hooks sticking out in random places. It reminded me of what Nessie had said about destroying her dad's things. As I looked around, I walked back to her bedroom to check on her. She was lying on her back, sprawled out over the bed and already asleep. I smirked to myself and crept back out of the room. There was another room adjacent to hers, but the door was closed. I wondered if it was her dad's room; it would make sense if she didn't want to go in. I didn't open the door to check; I just went out to the kitchen.

I snooped through her cupboards and found some crackers to munch on as I continued to look around. The kitchen was impeccably clean. She didn't even have any knick knacks set out. She had very few dishes; just enough to get her by for a few days. We'd mostly used paper plates when I ate with her. I noticed a paper stuck against the wall behind the microwave and plucked it out. It was a little dirty, but it wasn't hard to read.

She hadn't told me about this… She had another two months to come up with over two thousand dollars for the property taxes or she would lose the house. I checked the date on the paper; it was a few weeks ago. The day she'd first lost it and told me about her dad. This was what the man asking for her dad had given her.

I sighed and put the paper back. If Nessie was facing losing her house, did she have somewhere else to go? I doubted it. I chewed on my lip as I walked around, not really looking at anything anymore. I had to think of something I could do to help her. I didn't have the money to lend her, and even if I did I doubted she'd accept it. She'd say I'd done enough already and it would probably cause another fight.

I wondered how she'd feel about moving in with me. I shook my head; she'd probably decline that offer, too.

But it was a solution. An option. Some place for her to go if she didn't have a way to save this house. She still had a few weeks, but I didn't want her to have to make her decision too quickly. I'd talk to her about it soon and give her the next few weeks to think it over. Then maybe she'd say yes if she didn't have another option.

I went back to the bookshelf and picked a book at random. It wasn't a very good book, but I forced my attention on it for an hour or so until I started getting a little drowsy. I set the book on the coffee table and leaned back on the couch.

* * *

A/N: So it seems they have some things to talk about, no? Thanks for reading!

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	17. Somewhere to Begin

A/N: This is a kind-of-transition chapter. I own nothing. Enjoy!

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Sixteen

Somewhere to Begin

_Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin _

- Somewhere Only We Know – Keane

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I woke up the next morning and found Nessie sitting on the floor by the coffee table. She was playing with the tube of aloe gel I'd gotten for her. Her arms and face were shiny, and I assumed she'd put some of it on. She smiled at me, but winced and licked her lips.

"Good morning," she said softly.

I grunted in response and sat up, slowly stretching. My shoulders hurt, but I ignored it.

"How did you sleep?"

I shrugged. "Not bad. You?"

She shrugged, too. "I've had better nights, but it was okay."

I nodded. "How's your skin? Do you feel any better?"

She shook her head slowly. "It's always worse the day after."

"Did you put some of that on?" I pointed to the gel she had in her hands.

"Yeah, I did. I put it on after I put the numbing stuff on. It's okay right now; it just kind of itches." She shrugged again.

"What do you want to do today? I don't have to work, so I'm all yours."

Her lip twitched in what I assumed was supposed to be a smile. "You don't have to do that. I warned you last night that I can't really do much."

I sighed and leaned forward. "And I told you last night that was bullshit. You can do plenty. You don't need to run marathons in the Sahara desert at high noon to make me happy."

"That's a good thing, you know."

I chuckled. "Come here." I patted the couch and she got up slowly to come by me. I tried not to stare at her ass as she sat down. She looked up at me expectantly as I combed my fingers through her hair. "Is it so bad that I just want to be with you?"

She looked down briefly. "No, it's not so bad. I just don't get it."

She looked back up and met my eyes. Right now, I told myself. Now would be the perfect time to kiss her. Show her she'll never be alone again because I love her. Before I could even lean down, she licked her lips and bent forward to grab her chapstick off the coffee table.

"I don't know, Jake, what do you want to do today?"

Goddammit! Soon. Very soon, I would tell her. It had to be right. I had a feeling I'd probably have to be pretty damn convincing to get her to believe me. "We could play cards again. Or I have an old TV with a built-in VCR that used to be my dad's. I can go get it and we can watch a movie." There was a bunch of shit I needed to talk to her about, but that would also have to wait for the right time.

She looked up at me, and I almost rolled my eyes at the look in hers. "Jake, you really don't have to—"

I stopped her before she could finish it. "I know I don't have to. I promise, I know. I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to." I didn't want to snap at her, but she was pushing my patience. How many times did I have to tell her I wanted to be here?

She looked away again and sighed. "Okay; that would be good."

I kissed her head. "You can tell me if you don't want to do something, Ness. I won't push you."

She turned back to me and put the side of her head on my shoulder. "I know, Jake. I guess I just don't want you to think I'm expecting you to entertain me while you're here. And I don't want you to get so bored you never want to come back."

I sighed. "I'll always come back." I was going to get up and go when I thought of something. "Did you call in to work?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'd called in yesterday because I couldn't… I couldn't go to work yesterday. And then I called them this morning and let them know I wouldn't be in for a few days. I need to make sure I'm not in the sunlight at all until my skin starts to heal."

I nodded. "Then definitely stay inside. You said about a week, right?"

She shrugged a little. "Two or three days would probably do it, but I just told them I'd be back next week."

"Good. I'm going to run and grab that TV; I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

She looked up at me and smiled. "Okay. Be safe."

I kissed her head again and left.

When I got to my house, I remembered the holes in the walls. They could wait; I needed to be with Nessie. I took my meds and got the TV out of my dad's old room. It still felt a little strange being in that room, so I didn't linger. I grabbed a few movies, shoved them in a bag, and shut the door on my way out. Before I went back to Nessie's, I went to the shed in the back yard and got some of the old board games I had. Just in case she wanted to pull her 'I can't do anything' crap again. I knew she couldn't be comfortable being confined to her house, but I was determined to show her that it wasn't the end of the world. She could still do any damn thing she wanted. And if she really couldn't for whatever reason, I would give her an alternative that would make her happy.

She was still on the couch when I got back. She looked at me curiously when I set the TV down and gave her the bag of movies. "I don't have very many VHS movies. Go ahead and see if there's one you want to watch."

She started sifting through the bag as I went back out to the car to get the board games. Her lips twitched in a tiny smile when I set them down by her bookcase.

"Find anything?" I asked.

She shrugged and looked up at me. "Kind of."

"Which one?" I sat next to her and waited.

She seemed hesitant. "You can veto; I won't be upset."

I just held out my hand and stared at her until she handed one of the movies to me. I had to laugh. "Really?"

She shrugged. "I like _Teen Wolf_. But if you don't want to watch it―"

"No, it's no problem. I just think it's funny that you were embarrassed about it."

She looked down, and I took the movie to get everything set up. While I was doing that, she went into the kitchen. She brought back some sodas and smiled shyly as she sat down.

"Is this okay?"

I picked up one of the cans and opened it for her. "Of course."

She managed to situate herself so she was leaning back on me but not resting on her arm. I had my arm around her shoulders, and I searched for a place to put my hand that wasn't either on her skin or somewhere that would get me in a lot of trouble. In the end, I finally rested it on the side of her hip.

"You ready?" I asked.

She sighed. "I think so."

"What's the matter?" I furrowed my brow and looked down at her.

She shook her head and rested back on my shoulder. "It's stupid. It just feels weird to be watching TV here again."

I ran my thumb over the fabric of her pants, irritated. "That's not stupid, Nessie. Are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to."

She leaned her head back and looked up at me. Her eyes were pained, and yet there was something else there. A strange longing I'd never seen before. She sighed and licked her lips. "I want to; I just wish I could… I don't know, I guess curl up like I usually do." She looked back down and shrugged.

I smiled and kissed the top of her head. I wished she could, too, just so I could hold her closer. I started the movie and held her as tightly as I could without hurting her. As much as I loved her clinging to me during horror movies, I liked the sound of her laughter more. It seemed like more of a change from our usual routine. She squirmed a few times, but she never pulled away. We sat quietly for a moment as the end credits rolled.

"Thank you, Jake," she said softly. She leaned back again to look up at me.

"You're welcome, Nessie. What would you like to do now?"

She shrugged. "You brought board games?" She sat up and looked at me with a new excitement in her eyes. I loved it.

"I did." I got up and showed her the games I'd brought. She chose Sorry, so I set everything up on the coffee table. She kicked my ass and never once seemed apologetic when she sent my piece back to home base. She laughed at me when I pointed it out to her.

"That's just the nature of the game, regardless of the name," she said. She had a point.

"You want to play again?" I asked. I knew I was putting everything important off, but I wanted at least some relaxing time with her before I potentially pissed her off.

She shrugged and licked her lips. "Sure, I guess." She put her hands on the coffee table and splayed her fingers out. She stared at them intently as I put the pieces back to their starting places.

"You okay?"

She looked up at me and licked her lips again. "Yeah, I'm good. It just itches again." She rubbed one hand up her arm and hissed. I winced with her, and she put her hand back on the coffee table.

I won the second game, but I didn't think it was very fair. It was obvious that she was distracted. She kept getting twitchier as the game went on. I tried to think of something to help her. She'd taken some Benadryl earlier, but she could probably have some more. The only thing she hadn't done yet to help was the bath. I was a little hesitant to bring it up, though. I wasn't sure if she'd be uncomfortable taking a bath with me in the house. I tried to think of a tactful way to ask her.

"Do you think that cornstarch bath would help?" _Way to go, Jake._

She licked her lips and stared at the table for a second. "Yeah, it probably would." She sounded uncertain, and I had a feeling things were about to get tricky.

"Ness?" She looked up at me shyly. "Don't let me make you uncomfortable, please. I am willing and more than happy to help you with anything you need, but I want you to know that I won't feel bad if you tell me to butt out." I ran my fingers through her hair and hoped she knew I was being honest.

She smiled a small smile. "I'm not uncomfortable. Maybe a little embarrassed, but not uncomfortable."

I kissed her head. "Don't be embarrassed. It's just me."

She licked her lips and nodded. "Okay."

I ran the bath for her while she got ready, and I tried really, really hard to keep myself from thinking of her stripping in her room. Sliding her pants down over her perfect ass… I cleared my throat and put some cornstarch in the water. I wasn't sure how much to add, so I just put enough in to make the water look kind of milky and hoped it wasn't too much. When the bath was done, I knocked on Nessie's door.

"The bath's ready for you."

She didn't answer for a long moment. "Okay."

I thought about going out to the living room. I tried to force myself to go back out there. The thought of seeing her in her robe or whatever she would wear to the bathroom was just a little too exciting, though. I shook my head at myself.

I realized it had been a few minutes and she hadn't come out yet. I leaned back against the wall and strained to hear what she might be doing in there. Her breathing cut off in weird places, and it sounded like she was struggling with something.

"Nessie? You okay?"

She sniffled, and my heart beat harder. "I'll be right out."

Her voice was shaking when she said it, and I grabbed the door handle to her dad's room just to keep myself from going in her room to find out what was wrong. She didn't need me walking in on her as she undressed.

Two minutes later, the door swung open and Nessie charged out. She stared at the ground and wiped her eyes as she went into the bathroom and closed the door. I was confused; she was still fully dressed.

I sighed and decided it was just what I got for being perverted. I was turning to go back out to the living room when I heard her cry out. It wasn't loud, only little more than a whimper, but it was desperate and painful.

"You sure you're okay, Nessie?" I almost started to panic.

"I'm fine," she snapped. She sniffled and whimpered again, and I took a step back. She sounded angry and frustrated, and yet so damn miserable. I wanted to comfort her. I tried to push it back and leave it alone―just turn around and leave her to her bath. As I started to walk down the hall, she cried out again. It was louder this time; a cross between a hurt whimper and an angry sob. I stopped and took a deep breath. She sniffled two more times before I gave in and went back to the bathroom door.

"Nessie, what's wrong?"

She sobbed, and I closed my eyes. "Nothing." Her voice was pleading and high pitched, followed by another whimper.

"Please tell me?" I begged. I really didn't want to get mad at her. "Is there something wrong with the bath?"

"No… Jake…"

"Can I come in?" I snapped my mouth shut and contemplated smacking my head against the wall a few times. What the hell was I thinking?

"I guess." Her tone was resigned, and she sniffled again. I hesitated; did I really dare open the door? "I'm decent, Jake. You can come in."

I breathed a sigh of relief and opened the door slowly. She was standing in the middle of the floor, still completely dressed. I closed the door behind me before I realized what I was doing and reached out to her.

"What's the matter?"

She looked down and sniffled before answering me. Finally she held her arms out a little bit and whimpered, "I can't get my shirt off." She dropped her hands back down to her sides. They hit her thighs with a clap, and she winced.

I was about to ask her why when I realized what the problem was. Her shirt was a little tight, and pulling it off would scrape her skin. I winced and touched the short sleeve of her shirt. I wanted to offer to help her, but I wasn't sure how. How do you go about offering to help a girl take her clothes off without getting slapped? In the end, I just prayed Nessie would understand it wasn't like that.

"Well, if you're not… I mean, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Ness, but I could help you."

She was quiet for a moment. "You want to help me take my shirt off?" she asked finally. She didn't look up at me.

I cleared my throat to get rid of the images in my perverted mind. "I don't mean it like that, Nessie; I just―"

"I know," she said, nodding her head. "I trust you. It's just embarrassing, you know?" She shrugged, still staring at the floor.

I sighed. "I can't imagine what it feels like, Ness. I know you've got to be frustrated, and I don't want to upset you. I really am willing to help, and I swear there's nothing to be embarrassed about."

She leaned into me and put her head on my shoulder. She was quiet for a long moment, and I ran my fingers through her hair. I tried hard not to think about what I was going to do if she agreed to let me help her.

She sighed and nodded. "I guess you can help."

I smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Are you ready?"

She took a deep breath and nodded again as she pushed herself away from my shoulder. "Yeah."

I assessed her shirt to try to find the best way to take it off. It was one of those shirts with the almost-sleeve that came off the shoulder and it seemed fitted pretty well to her body. It would scrape her arms, but it would also scrape her face when I pulled it over her head. I wanted to ask her again what the hell she was thinking wearing this outside, but it wouldn't help anything.

"How attached are you to this shirt?" I asked.

She furrowed her brow and looked down at the shirt. "It's not one of my favorites."

I nodded. "So how mad would you be if you couldn't wear it again?"

"I guess not really mad; why?" She looked up at me, her brow still furrowed

I shrugged. "I just think it might be easier if we cut it off or something."

She blinked a few times and looked down. "Oh… yeah… I remember my dad had to do the same thing when this happened before. I don't know if I have any scissors, though."

I couldn't see how this could end well. "In the kitchen, maybe?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jake. I can just wait until I'm better."

No, she couldn't. The bath would help her; she'd said it herself. "I could rip it." What the hell was I trying to do? Drive myself crazy? She was oddly silent for a moment. "I mean, you know, if I can't cut it off, I could rip it. It wouldn't be that hard, this fabric isn't very thick." _Dammit, Jake, shut the fuck up_.

"Do you really think you can rip it?" she asked shyly.

I sighed and tried hard to smother my desire. "It wouldn't be difficult." I gave myself a brief but stern talk about how I was only doing this to help her and there was absolutely nothing romantic or sexual about any of this. I didn't convince myself. It was erotic as all fucking hell.

She sighed and nodded. "Okay."

I started at the back, hoping that would make it less arousing than it really was. My dick had no concept of front and back. I gathered her hair together and pushed it off one shoulder to assess the hem of the shirt. It was pretty easy to start the tear, as I knew it would be. She gasped and jumped a little as I ripped it down her back.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah." She nodded and looked up at me when I moved to her side to rip the semi-sleeve. She gave me that shy smile again, and I smirked. She was so damn beautiful.

Once I had the sleeves torn, the shirt just fell off of her. She tossed it to the corner and kept her eyes glued to the floor as I reached around her to unclasp her bra. I wasn't sure why I didn't move back around her, but it was too late anyway. I carefully slid the straps down her arms, making sure I avoided any blisters. While her eyes were on the floor, I did my best to keep mine on her face as I tossed the bra to the corner where her shirt was. I touched her hair and my eyes betrayed me, glancing down to her tits.

They were perfect, just as I knew they would be. Her nipples were hard and ready to be touched. I had to get out of there before I attacked her. I quickly turned toward the door. "You're good with the rest, right?"

She nodded, still staring and the ground, and I touched her hair one last time before I walked out. I made a beeline for the living room and planted myself on the couch. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to force myself to calm down. I was not thinking about how smooth her skin was on her back or about what it felt like to slip the straps of her bra off her shoulders. And I sure as hell was not thinking about her nipples and how they might have tasted.

_Fuck!_

I leaned forward on the couch and took a few deep breaths to just calm down and get my thoughts back in order by the time she got out of the bath. I couldn't keep this up; I had to do something. I got up and paced the living room, trying to think of anything other Nessie and her naked tits. I walked into the kitchen and looked around. My eye caught the paper behind the microwave, and it almost felt like salvation. I wasn't sure I was really ready to bring it up, but did I have a choice? And I'd have to eventually anyway, unless I wanted to wait until the day the county assessor came to take her house.

I groaned to myself and went back out to the couch. When she got out of her bath, I'd talk to her about it.

* * *

A/N: Excited yet? At least they're making some kind of progress, no?

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	18. Forever

A/N: Some of you may have been waiting for this chapter for a while. It may or may not be what you were expecting, but I hope you like it anyway. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Seventeen

Forever

_Can I feel a chemical reaction?  
'Cause I feel a hideous attraction.  
Could we share a poison apple?  
Can it be maniacal and awful?  
Can I stay alive forever?_

- Forever – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I let myself soak in the bath much longer than I really needed. I got my hair wet, but didn't bother to wash it. Jacob had gone a little cornstarch happy, and I'd have to shower to get it all off of me anyway. I really didn't care. The water felt good on my skin, and it only felt better knowing that Jake had gotten it ready for me.

I shivered as I remembered the way he'd ripped my shirt off. Goosebumps raised over my skin, and the tightening pain made me hiss. I took a deep breath as I submerged my arms again.

I knew it wasn't romantic. I knew he wouldn't turn around and kiss me or touch me once the shirt was off, but God did I want that. I wanted it so much the evidence was in my panties. That hadn't ever happened to me before. I'd always known what it meant when my body started to throb like that, but I'd never gotten so aroused that my panties got wet. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be disgusted or impressed.

I sighed and dunked my head again. The last two days had turned out so much better than I had ever dreamed. We had only barely skimmed the surface of what we needed to talk about, but I wasn't pushing for more. I wanted to have as much time with him as possible before I brought up my birthday again. I was a little afraid it would cause another fight.

I stayed in the bath until my fingers and toes were good and pruny. As I climbed out, I wondered what would happen next. I wanted Jake to stay with me forever, but that just wasn't logical. I dried my hair and put it all up in a loose bun, then I slipped into the nightgown I had hanging on the door. It was long and cotton and one of the most comfortable pieces of clothing I owned. I looked at my reflection in the mirror briefly. My skin was red with small blisters everywhere. I groaned; if I had ever had any hope of Jacob thinking I was pretty, it was gone now. I wasn't even sure how he could stomach touching me to put on the lotion or the numbing cream.

I raised my arms out in front of me and looked at both of them. I remembered the shocked, disgusted look on Greg's face the day after he'd left me at the amusement park all those years ago. I had foolishly convinced myself that he wouldn't care because he'd asked me out and knew about my condition. I had been wrong. He stayed only long enough to tell me we weren't dating, all the while keeping a sturdy distance between us. Every move I made caused him to wince.

I had expected Jake to act the same way. I wasn't really sure what to think when he didn't seem the slightest bit disturbed. A part of me just wanted to accept it―take it as it was and love Jake all the more for it. Another part of me, the part that had been wounded time and again by people, tried to decipher his ulterior motive. There had to be a reason he was still there.

I shook my head at myself and sighed. Just let it go, I told myself. I closed my eyes for a second before I opened the door and walked out.

Jacob was sitting on the couch and looked up at me when I walked in the room. His eyes raked over me quickly as he held his arm out. I sat next to him.

"Have a good bath?" He touched my hair and rubbed my back. I nodded and looked back at him. He smiled the smile I loved so much and leaned in to kiss my head. I loved it when he did that. I knew his kisses were just friendly, but I never had a hard time imagining more than that behind them.

He leaned forward and grabbed the aloe gel. Before I could tell him that he didn't need to touch me if he didn't want to, he squeezed some out and started to spread it over my skin. His hands felt too good on me to say anything. It still hurt and itched, but just the thought of him touching me and being okay with it when I looked like this was so damn amazing. I couldn't break the spell.

"Does it hurt anywhere other than your arms and face?" he asked, still holding the aloe bottle.

I shook my head. "No, that's everywhere. That does actually feel good, though. Thank you."

He put the bottle down and smiled at me. "What would you like to do now?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. What time is it?"

He looked at his watch. "Ten minutes to two."

I licked my lips. It was lunch time, but I wasn't hungry. I was actually kind of tired. I leaned back against him, and his arm wrapped around me to rest his hand on my thigh. It wasn't nearly as perfect as how he'd held me before Saturday, but it was much better than nothing. His thumb brushed lightly across the fabric of my nightgown, and I was almost surprised to feel my body begin to throb with desire. I wondered if I'd have wet panties again when I moved away from him.

I sighed and pushed the thoughts away to focus on what he'd asked me. What did I want to do? Well, I knew what I _wanted_ to do, but there were a few problems with that. Not only was Jacob just a friend who had no problems ignoring my breasts when he'd taken off my bra, but I looked like a toasted lizard. He wouldn't want to touch me like that.

Once again, I pushed the thoughts away.

"I don't know; what do you want to do? We've done what I want to do, so now you choose something."

He nodded and kissed my head. "We need to talk."

My gut churned. "About what?" Like I didn't know.

He sighed. "While you were in the bath, I had some time to think about some things. I…" He hesitated for a second, and I closed my eyes. His fingers started to play anxiously with the seam of the nightgown on my thigh. I licked my lips and tried to keep my thoughts on what he needed to say. Finally, he sighed again. "Last night I was looking around and noticed that paper you have behind the microwave."

A feeling of dread settled in my stomach and tears welled in my eyes. I should have thrown that paper away. I should have known I wasn't able to keep it from him forever. I wasn't sure if I was more upset about the hopelessness of the situation, or that Jake knew about it now.

"I… Nessie, I'm not going to ask what you're going to do. If you need my help, please come to me. But what I really want to say… I, um…"

It was so unlike Jake to stumble over his words. He was always so sure of himself. It hurt in a strange way to see him uncertain like this. He took a deep breath and kissed the top of my head again.

"I want you to know that my house is an option."

I furrowed my brow and sat up to look at him. "What do you mean?"

He leaned forward and clasped his hands together between his knees. He stared intently at them for a long moment before he glanced over at me. He looked so nervous that it scared me.

"I just want you to know that my house is always open for you. I want you to at least consider it as an option if you run out of them."

His eyes were pleading with me, but I wasn't sure I really understood. This was not at all what I had thought he needed to say, and it caught me by surprise. He was offering his house if I lost mine. Like what, I could just move in with him? As I stared into his eyes, I realized that was exactly what he meant.

"Jacob, I can't—"

"Don't tell me you can't accept. Just think about it. I'm not asking you to make a decision right now, I'm asking you to consider it."

I wanted to tell him that his offer was ridiculous. I would be fine; he didn't have to give me everything under the sun, including his house. But of course I knew I wouldn't be fine. Jacob's offer was really the only option I had other than moving into a cardboard box on the side of the road. I just couldn't, though. He had given me so much. He even touched my blistered skin.

"Please?" he said softly. I looked up and met his eyes. "It can be a last resort, just something to fall back on if you need it."

I sighed. I didn't understand his desire to help me, but I couldn't keep telling him no when he pleaded like that. "I don't really know what to say," I said, wiping my face carefully.

"Say you'll think about it. Please?"

I was torn. I hated that pained look on his face. "I'll think about it." I would figure something else out before then.

"Really?" He seemed surprised.

"Really."

He sat up straight and kissed the side of my head. "Thank you."

I nodded and smiled at him. We were both quiet for a moment, and I wondered if he was going to bring up the other issues we needed to talk about. There was so much about Saturday that needed to be gone over and wrung out and examined. I didn't want to do it; I wanted to put it all behind me and pretend it hadn't happened.

"So tell me something about you that I don't know yet," Jacob said.

I smiled; I liked this game. I thought about what I could tell him. "When I was young, I would go up to see my Grandpa Charlie in Seattle. We'd go fishing and boating when it rained so I could be outside. One day when were out on the lake, I got so freaked out because I saw this huge fish swimming under the water and thought it was going to tip the boat over."

He chuckled. "I've never gone fishing."

I looked up at him. "Really? It's fun. We should go sometime." If we could figure out a way to do it.

He nodded. "Yes we should. Ever gone fishing at night?"

"No, but I bet it would be fun." Fishing with Jacob in the middle of the night sounded like heaven. Especially if we could just put the poles down and float in the water for a while.

I pushed the thoughts away. "I'd never seen my dad cry until Grandpa Charlie died." I realized what I'd said when the memories of my dad and I hugging each other at Grandpa Charlie's funeral came to mind. Jake's hand was on my back rubbing soothing circles. "I went to his funeral, but not my dad's. I've never even seen my dad's grave."

Why wouldn't my mouth just shut up? I felt tears fall and Jacob's hand on me, but I couldn't stop. "I tried once. I walked to the cemetery but I couldn't go in. I stood by the fence and looked out over the headstones just thinking that my dad was in there somewhere. Probably next to my mom." My heart hurt so badly with all the memories crushing me.

Jacob leaned down and kissed my shoulder. "Do you blame yourself, Nessie?"

"How can I not, Jake? If hadn't been so… so…"

He kissed my shoulder again. "It wasn't your fault."

Somewhere inside me, I was thrilled with his new kisses. I sniffled and my mouth still wouldn't stop. "I wish I could take it back. I wish I could go back to that day and stay calm; talk to him about it and not run out. I wish I could tell him again that I love him and that I'm so sorry." My voice broke, and I felt Jacob wrap his arm around my waist. He pulled me up onto his lap gently. My arms rested on top of his around my waist, and my back was against his chest. He put his chin on my shoulder.

"I'm sure he knows that you love him, Ness. Just like you know that he loves you."

I couldn't even argue with him properly. Not because I believed him, but because the throbbing in my body and the feel of his arms around me was so amazing I didn't want to. I tried anyway, because it didn't feel right to just leave it at that. "I was so mad at him, Jake. I said things I shouldn't have ever said to him."

He kissed my shoulder again, and my heart started to beat faster. "If he was here now, Ness, he'd forgive you."

He kissed me again, this time closer to my neck. I sucked in a breath and tilted my head without thinking. I didn't expect anything, but I wanted it. I wasn't sure what to think as he began to plant soft kisses up my neck. It felt so amazing, and each time his lips touched me, I craved him more. My body was throbbing so hard I was sure he had to feel it. I forced myself to hold still even when I wanted to move my hips against his leg.

I closed my eyes as he got closer to my ear. Each kiss sent a shock of heat straight through me. When he reached the spot right behind my ear, I couldn't hold in my whimper. I wished to God this could last forever. Just let him kiss me like this until I burn up.

He pulled back and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry."

I wanted to cry. I turned my head and met his eyes. "It's okay, Jake." It was so okay. I licked my lips and continued to stare at him. His eyes were dark and intense, and my heart was close to pounding out of my chest as he leaned in closer to me.

My eyes widened when his lips touched mine. My stomach twisted in the best way, but this was so different from the kisses on my neck. This was a real kiss. I didn't understand it; my skin was hideous. I wanted his kiss, but I was terrified of what he would do when he realized what he was doing. He couldn't really want to kiss me. Why me? There were so many girls that would give anything to be in my position. He had to know that he didn't have to settle for a broken, diseased shell. I tried to turn on his lap, but my arm brushed against his shirt and sent shooting pain over my skin. I hissed, and he pulled back.

"Nessie…" He swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Jake, what are you doing?" I tried to prepare myself for the reaction that would break my heart. He'd realize what had just happened, and I wasn't sure I could bear to see the horror on his face.

He cleared his throat again. "I, um…" He looked sad and a little ashamed.

My stomach churned and I felt my eyes water. I didn't want to hear him apologize for kissing me. I wanted to keep the memory and pretend that he wasn't going to be disgusted when he came to his senses. I sat up a little and tried to ignore the feel of his knee between my legs. "It's getting late, Jake. I should probably, um…" It wasn't late, and I had no idea what to say.

He sighed and moved me off his lap quickly. "It's not even three, Nessie." He stood up and took a few steps away from me.

I felt nauseous. Please don't let him freak out about the kiss. I so wanted to keep it a happy memory. "I just meant we haven't had lunch yet." I didn't even know if I could eat, but I prayed the change of subject could save me.

He sighed and nodded. "You're right. Are you hungry?"

"A little bit."

He nodded again and left the room without another word. I stared after him. I wished I could curl into a ball and cry.

"Sandwiches okay?" he asked from the kitchen.

"Yeah." I hated my skin. I hated it so badly. I wished I could just rip all the blisters and rash off. I wished I could be normal and deserve Jake's attention. I scratched my nails hard up my arm. The pain was unbearable, and I cried out. Fresh tears fell down my face, but I wasn't sure if they were from the pain or the hate.

"Are you okay?" Jake asked.

I sniffled and wiped my face. "Yeah, I'm all right."

Jake came back a few minutes later with two sandwiches. He set one down for me and sat on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. My stomach turned again. I tried to push it away. I knew if I dwelled on it too much, I could ruin our friendship.

"Are you sure you're okay, Nessie?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

He was oddly silent for a moment as he stared at me. "Why are you crying?"

I sighed and thought of something other than the truth. "Just thinking about my dad." I shrugged and prayed he didn't see through me again. He stared at me again for a few minutes. I picked up my sandwich and forced a few bites down. He was finished with his before I was done with the fourth bite. He got up and went to the kitchen again. When he came back, he sat on the couch next to me. I put my sandwich down; I couldn't force another bite.

"I'm sorry, Nessie," he said softly. His hand rubbed my back.

I looked over at him. "For what?"

He stared in to my eyes intently. "I'm sorry I kissed you."

I had to look away. My heart hurt so badly. I wanted to get angry at him for apologizing, but that wasn't fair. I had to do something to get past this so I could at least keep his friendship. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry."

Why didn't he just kick me to the ground while he was at it? Two tears fell, and I hated it. I hated that I loved him so much. A strong pang of guilt twisted my stomach. I didn't hate that I loved him. I just wished he loved me back. "I forgive you, Jake. I really do." I couldn't be angry with him when he'd only come to his senses the way I knew he would.

He leaned in and kissed my head, and I closed my eyes. "What were you thinking about your dad?" He rubbed my back as he looked down at me.

I shrugged and thought of something to say. "Just that I wish I could ask him to forgive me." Was I talking about my dad or Jake?

He shook his head. "I'm sure wherever he is, he's already forgiven you."

I sighed. "Do you forgive me?"

He was silent for a minute. "What do you mean?"

I licked my lips and turned my head to see him. "I said things I shouldn't have on Saturday. I was mean, and I'm sorry if hurt you."

"I forgave you a long time ago. I'm sorry, too."

I shrugged. "I was just so… I didn't understand why you were trying to make such a big deal out of my birthday. I want you to know that the reason I don't ever do anything is because it's not right to celebrate something like that without him. I should be mourning him, not ignoring him."

He sighed. "I think you're wrong, Nessie. I'm not saying ignore your father. I'm not saying forget about him. But I am saying it's been two years; it's okay to be happy every now and then. If it were me, Ness, I would want you to be happy."

If it were him. If he had died. "I can't be happy without you."

His hand rubbed up my back and rested at the base of my neck. "Then let me help you be happy. I'm not asking to throw a huge party; I just want to do something. Please?"

I had already made up my mind that I would let him do something if he still cared enough to want to. Faced with this now, though, I really wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him I would never celebrate my birthday again. I closed my eyes and forced myself to nod. I wasn't going to back down and disappoint him or hurt him again. I felt so guilty. New tears welled in my eyes.

"It'll be okay, Ness. I promise everything will be all right."

I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder as I cried. I was happy that our friendship had survived the kiss, but I was so torn up about my birthday. He kissed my head and let me just rest against him silently for a while.

"You okay now?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, I'm all right. Better. Thank you."

"Want to play another game?" He gestured to the other board games he'd brought with him that morning.

I nodded. "Sure."

We decided to play Clue. It felt so nice to laugh with him again. We played two games, and he won both times.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked as he packed up the game.

"You're not going to cook again are you?" He could actually cook much better than I could, but I didn't want him to do things like that when he didn't have to.

He shrugged. "Maybe. What, you don't like my food?" He smirked, though, and I knew he wasn't upset.

I smiled a little and stood up next to him. "I don't _mind_ your food," I said sarcastically. "But I think I want to help. I promise my skin is feeling much better." It really wasn't. It was itching again, but I didn't want him to know.

He took a moment to look me over before he nodded. "Okay, you can help."

I followed him to the kitchen and we decided on what to make. We almost got into a flour fight making breaded chicken. It felt so normal and so… easy doing this with Jacob. There were several times that he had to reach up into the cupboard behind me, and he would always just reach around me instead of making me move. It made me a little jealous of his height, but I couldn't complain when he got so close to me. There were also a few close calls when he would brush against my arms. I tried not to react to the pain coursing along my skin. I think he knew, though, because he'd always apologize and ask if I was okay. I'd lie and say I was fine. He either believed me or didn't push it.

After dinner, I helped him clean up. He still wouldn't let me help wash dishes, but I think I was grateful. I didn't want to put my hands in the hot water. I dried the dishes and put them away instead, and he didn't complain.

He got pensive again when we were done with the dishes. I hated to think that he'd leave soon, but he had to know that I was going to be fine now. We sat on the couch and he touched my shoulder lightly. "I have to work tomorrow; are you going to be okay?"

I smiled up at him. "I'm going to be just fine."

He nodded, but he didn't look very convinced. "Are you sick of me yet?"

"No, of course not." I wanted him with me always.

"So you wouldn't be upset if I stayed here again?"

Was he reading my mind? I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "I wouldn't be upset, Jake."

He nodded and kissed my hair. "Then I'm going to stay on the couch again. How are you feeling? Your skin, I mean?"

I shrugged. "It hurts and itches."

He leaned forward and got the numbing cream off the coffee table. I didn't even try to protest as he rubbed it on for me. As the sting faded, I started to feel drowsy. I tried to hold back my yawn, but it was useless.

"Getting tired? It's just after seven."

I nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You can go to bed, Ness, I'll be fine."

I didn't argue with him. I wanted to hug him, but settled for resting my head on his shoulder for a second before I got up and went down the hall. It was almost strange, knowing he was in there after the day we'd had. All the ups and downs had really taken their toll on me, and I was far more tired than I'd realized. I closed my eyes as I lay in bed and knew I'd be out before too long. Everything would have to go back to normal someday, but for now I was determined to enjoy the hell out of having Jake with me.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading :)

I have a playlist for this story that I try to keep up to date. Go to givemeasignplaylist(dot)weebly(dot)com to listen. The link is also on my profile.


	19. Hold On

A/N: Thank you to all of my readers. You own me :) This chapter was originally supposed to be in Nessie's POV, and supposed to cover more of the story. As I've posted and thought about things, though, I decided my readers needed a treat :) This was always a part of Jake's story, it just wasn't told like this until I reworked and made this chapter his POV. Look out for (and enjoy) the kind-of-almost-lime! Oh, and I own nothing.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Eighteen

Hold On

_There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart  
But it's no one's fault  
No it's not my fault  
Maybe all the plans we made would not work out  
But I have no doubt even though it's hard to see  
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me_

- Hold On – Michael Buble

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I sighed to myself and told myself to let it go. Nessie just wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and there was a good chance she never would be. Knowing that didn't make me any less ready, though. I'd be patient and try again in a few weeks if she seemed okay.

Nessie sighed and rolled over onto her stomach. I smiled to myself and stared at her ass for a second. I'd come down the hall to check on her a while ago and couldn't make myself walk away again. Her sheets were bunched at the bottom of the bed, but her nightgown still covered her. I had already told myself repeatedly that it was wrong to stand here and stare at her. It was so nice to see her looking peaceful for once. Once or twice she whimpered. I nearly woke her up once, but she always settled down quickly.

My phone rang, startling me. I got it out of my pocket as I walked quickly to the living room. I didn't want the sound to wake Nessie. It was a text from Leah.

_Haven't heard from you. Everything okay?_

I groaned to myself. I hadn't told Leah what was going on yet. I hadn't even talked to her since Ness showed up at the site. I didn't want to get into it yet, so I sent a quick message back just saying I was fine and I'd explain it all the next day. I really wasn't looking forward to leaving Nessie by herself, but I had to get back on track at work.

I finally went to sleep somewhere around midnight and woke up again at four thirty to get started. I left a note for Nessie letting her know I'd be back after work with something for her birthday. I had no fucking clue what to get for her, but I'd figure something out. I checked on her one last time before I walked out the door. I went home and showered, changed my clothes, took my meds, and headed to work.

Leah pounced almost as soon as I pulled up to the site.

"So what is going on? Who was here on Monday? And why the hell didn't you call me?"

I patted her back and filled her in on what had happened as we got ready to start working.

"So you've been staying her house, huh?" she asked. She bumped my shoulder and smiled.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I have."

"And…? Any progress? Did you kiss her?"

I groaned. "Yeah, I did." Nessie's whimper as I kissed her neck was urgent and needy, and it would be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. The terrified look on her face as she pulled away from the kiss would be as well.

"Come on, Jake, you've got to give me more than that. What happened? Did you tell her you love her? Did she kiss you back and—"

"Leah, stop. No, I didn't tell her I loved her. I kissed her, then she asked me what I was doing and started to cry. Pretty obvious she didn't want that."

Leah looked shocked. "Oh. Wow, Jake, I really thought she would kiss you back. I mean, the way she looks at you—"

"Well, she didn't. Can we just get over it? I really don't want to spend the whole goddamn day talking about it."

She nodded and didn't say anything else for a while.

Instead of dwelling on my failed attempt at telling Nessie how I felt about her, I thought about what the hell I was going to do for her birthday. I knew she'd put up a fight if I tried to get any presents for her, but I wanted to get her something anyway.

"Why so pensive?" Leah asked when we took our lunch break.

I shrugged. "Just trying to decide what to do for Nessie's birthday. She caved and said I could do something, so now I just need to come up with an idea."

Leah nodded. "It's today, right?"

"Yeah. Any good ideas on what to get?"

She leaned against the wall and shrugged. "I could go with you after work and we could pick something up."

"She might get mad at me for buying her something." I didn't want to get into another fight over gifts.

She laughed. "Then let me get her something. She can't get mad at you if _I_ give her a present."

She had a point. Nessie'd have no choice but to accept whatever Leah got her. "Okay. Just remember that Nessie is kind of sensitive. Don't go all crazy."

"I'll just get her something girly and cute. Do you know what size she wears?"

"You mean like shirt size?"

Leah smiled. "Never mind, Jake; I'll figure it out. I'm pretty good at guesstimating."

I raised my eyebrow but didn't question her.

At the end of the day, we put our shit away and left. I really didn't care where we went, but Leah demanded a department store. I gave in because I wanted Nessie to have something nice. Luckily for me, it was the type of store that also sold food, so I was able to pick up some brownies as well. I also got a candle that was supposed to be like a sparkler. Girls liked shiny things like that, right?

Leah wouldn't let me see what she got, and it made me a little suspicious. I met her at the front of the store and crossed my arms over my chest when she came up to me with a wrapped box. The wrapping paper was pink with a balloon design that said 'happy birthday' all over it.

"What? They do wrapping here, so I had them wrap it up for you. You could thank me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Or I could ask you what you got."

"Relax, Jake. It's just a silk robe. Women love those things. Trust me."

I did relax a little. Women were notorious for loving silk things. We left the store, and I took Leah home.

"Are you going to stay with her again tonight?" she asked before she got out of the car.

"That's the plan. If she'll let me, anyway. I just want to make sure she has everything she needs."

Leah smirked. "I'm sure that's the only reason. Well, tell her happy birthday for me. Have fun."

"Sure."

When I got back to Nessie's, I wasn't sure if I could just let myself in. I knocked to be safe, and smiled at her when she opened the door. She stepped back to let me in. I was relieved to see her smiling. She hadn't changed out of her nightgown yet, but I was okay with that. It was loose but still showed some of the curve of her body.

"Hey, happy birthday," I said as I closed the door behind me. I handed the brownies and the present to her.

She looked a little hesitant. "Thank you, but you didn't have to get me a present."

I shrugged. "I didn't; that's from Leah."

She nodded, but didn't look very convinced. I followed her to the kitchen. She set everything on the counter, and I noticed a pan on the stove.

"I kind of made dinner. It's nothing special, but it's something."

Although I knew it was completely irrational, I still felt a thrill at the thought of her having dinner ready for me when I got off work. I wanted to kiss her and bend her over the kitchen counter. Instead, I smiled and kissed her head.

"Thanks, Ness."

She'd made macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it. We sat on the couch to eat.

"Did you have a good day?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, I just kind of read and stuff. It was okay. What about you?"

"Yeah, it was a pretty good day. No drama, anyway." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

When we were finished, I took the dishes back to the kitchen. Nessie followed me.

"Jake, I made it, I can clean it up." She was right behind me as I started to fill the sink with hot water.

"Nessie, it's your birthday. I'm not going to let you do dishes on your birthday. Go sit down, and I'll bring your brownies out in a minute."

She didn't budge. "Please, Jake, that's ridiculous. Let me help." She tried to reach around me to the pan on the stove, but I blocked her.

"No. Go sit down." I was irritated, but I tried not to be short with her.

"Why? Just because it's my birthday—"

I sighed and turned to her. "Nessie, I'm going to ask you nicely one more time to please go sit down. It's your birthday, and I would really like to make this special for you. You shouldn't be doing dishes or cleaning up today."

She put her hands on her hips. "I cooked dinner. Why didn't you get upset with me about that?"

I couldn't really explain that to her. If I wasn't in love with her, I probably would have. Then again, if I wasn't in love with her, I probably wouldn't be making this big a deal about her birthday.

"Because you did it before I got here and I couldn't stop you." That was total bullshit. I just hoped she didn't call me out on it. "I'm here now, and I will stop you from cleaning up."

She scowled at me and tried to cross her arms over her chest. She winced and glared at me before she stomped her way into the living room. I groaned and turned to start washing. Maybe I should have let her help me. Fuck if I know. I just wanted to make it a good day for her. There really wasn't much to wash, and it only took a few minutes to finish. When I was done, I opened the brownies and put the candle in the middle.

"You ready for this?" I called.

She answered from the living room. "No, not really."

I closed my eyes and prayed silently she didn't keep pushing it. I really didn't want to yell at her on her birthday. "Come on, Ness, be a sport."

I heard her sigh. "I guess I'm ready."

I lit the candle and took the brownies and the present to the living room. Nessie smiled when she saw the sparks the candle was throwing. I set them down on the coffee table in front of her.

"Happy birthday, Nessie." She smiled up at me, and her eyes were wet. I rubbed her back; I wasn't really sure what to do. "Make a wish."

She nodded and swallowed hard. "My dad always said to make it a good wish because I only got one per year." She sniffled and closed her eyes. I kissed the side of her head. She took a deep breath. "Then he'd tell me to blow out the candle." Her voice broke, and she wiped her eyes slowly.

She sniffled again and seemed to hold her breath for a few seconds. She opened her eyes and smiled up at me again. "I made my wish."

I leaned in close to her and kissed her shoulder. "Blow out the candle."

She met my eyes for a second, and she licked her lips. I really wished I knew what she was thinking. The look in her eyes was the same look she'd given me before I kissed her. It looked like she _wanted_ me to kiss her. I was nervous; I didn't want to scare her again. It had taken literally everything in me to stop myself from walking out the day before. It had paid off, and we had managed to work everything out, but I wasn't sure if I could risk that again. She forgave me once, I couldn't ask her to do it again this soon.

She licked her lips again and turned to blow out the candle. I touched her hair.

"My dad always said you're not actually a year older until you blow out the candle. So congratulations, Ness, you're really twenty now."

She wiped her face. "Thank you." Her voice was strained.

"You're welcome." I cut the brownies and handed one to her. "No frosting and no nuts."

She smiled and took the treat. They weren't bad, but we both got crumbs everywhere. I tried not to notice when a piece fell down the front of her nightgown. When we'd finished, I handed the present to her. She took it hesitantly. She looked like she was afraid it would spring up and smack her.

"What is it?" she asked.

I smirked. "It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you. Leah told me; it's harmless." I prayed to God Leah hadn't put anything else in the box. It hadn't occurred to me until that moment that Leah could have lied to me.

She still looked hesitant as she started to unwrap the package. I tried to hide my nervousness when Nessie uncovered the generic white box. I really should have made Leah let me see what she put in there before she had it wrapped.

I was more than a little relieved when Nessie pulled out a cream-colored silk robe, just like Leah had said. She held up the robe and smiled at it.

"This is nice," she said softly. She put it aside, and reached into the box again. Her hands froze when she picked up a tiny bra that matched the color of the robe. In that moment, I wanted to hunt Leah down. Nessie recovered after a second, and held the thing higher. The straps were silk, and it clasped together in the front between the lacy, see-through cups. She looked down, and I tried to force myself to say something when she pulled something else out of the box.

Of course. Leah couldn't just leave it at a fucking robe. Not only did she have to embarrass the shit out of Nessie, my brain would forever imagine Nessie in that little bra and the stringy panties that went with it. If I'd thought it was hard to calm down after helping her out of her shirt, this was going to be impossible.

"Holy cow," Nessie said softly. She felt the fabric between her fingertips. I really wanted to rip it away from her and kiss her. Goddammit, I wanted to do a lot more than kiss her. That nightgown could be lifted over her hips really fucking easily.

I cleared my throat in an attempt to calm down, and she dropped the underwear back into the box. She smiled shyly up at me, her face even brighter red from a blush. "Um… wow… tell her I said thanks? I guess." She shoved the robe into the box and put the lid back on it.

I nodded and took a deep breath. We were both silent for a minute as she stared at the box and I stared at her. I could only imagine what she thought of me right now. I'd told her I knew what was in the box, and that it was harmless. Jesus, I could wring Leah's neck for this.

"What would you like to do now?" I asked. I would try anything to fix this.

She licked her lips and looked over at me. "I don't know. Is my party over?"

"Do you want it to be over?" I wouldn't blame her if she did. "We could watch a movie or play a game. Anything you want." I looked at the box for a second before I tore my eyes away. She sighed and put the box down on the floor by the coffee table.

"A movie actually sounds great."

Of course it did. God, this night was going to kill me. I wanted Nessie in a way I'd never wanted anyone else before. It almost concerned me how badly I wanted her. I briefly thought about using her bathroom to rub one out, but I couldn't do that in her house. I grabbed the bag with the movies, and we decided on a movie together. I didn't give a shit about the movie, only that I control myself through it. She sat against me the way she had before, and I rested my hand on her hip again. I was almost thankful that she couldn't curl up against me or get too close because there was no way in hell I could hide this hard-on from her. If a kiss had scared her, I could only imagine what that would do.

By the time the movie was over, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay the night. Even if I did manage to stay in one piece, I couldn't really be sure I wouldn't do something stupid. The night before I'd spent most of the time watching Nessie sleep. That alone was creepy enough. I didn't need to have my imagined images of her in that outfit on top of it.

"I should go home tonight, Ness. Will you be okay?"

She nodded. "I'll be fine, Jake."

For once, I really didn't care if she was telling the truth or not. I kissed her head and got ready to leave. I had some shit to deal with, so I went to Leah's instead of home.

Leah smiled at me when she opened the door. "Hey, Jake. Didn't expect you to come by. How are you?"

I pushed my way past her and shut the door. "What the hell were you thinking?"

She stared up at me, trying to look like she wasn't guilty. "What do you mean? Did Nessie open her present?"

I glared at her. "Yeah, she opened it. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"She didn't like it?" She actually sounded hurt.

"Don't play innocent with me. You know exactly what you did."

Leah sighed. "All right. Yes, I put the lingerie in there with the robe. I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't let me give it to her. Did she like it, though?"

I clenched my fists and gave up on not yelling. "I don't fucking know. Did you even hear one goddamn word I said today? She is not fucking ready for that kind of shit."

She took a step back. "Maybe it had nothing to do with you, Jake. Maybe I just thought she'd like some nice lingerie."

"I don't buy that. You knew I'd be there with her when she opened it."

Sam came in the room, and I groaned. Leah rolled her eyes and poked my chest. "I thought it was something nice for her. It's not my fault if you can't keep your thoughts off her tits."

I smacked her hand away. "You knew I'd be there, Leah. Are you really trying to make it impossible for me to get anywhere with her?"

Sam took a few steps closer, looking between us like he wasn't sure if he needed to break us up. He glared at me.

"Fuck off, Sam." I was not in the mood to deal with him.

Leah bristled. "Jacob, I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable, but was for her and not you. Do I really need to repeat myself like a goddamn broken record? For her, not you. If you're done being an ass, you can leave. Go find yourself a call girl or something."

I was pissed. I didn't say anything back as I turned around and stormed out of the house. As I drove home, I thought about what Leah had said. Get a call girl or something. A fucking hooker. I didn't have a prayer with Nessie yet, but I wasn't going to give up hope that someday she could change her mind. I wanted Nessie, not some random chick. She required a lot of care and a lot of effort, but she was worth it.

When I got home, I thought about adding a few more holes to the walls. I needed to do something to calm down. I felt like a fucking teenager again, lusting over the girl I couldn't have. Nessie's tits and the tiny bra Leah had given her came to mind, and I was hard again.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself. I really needed a fucking release. I went to my bedroom and stripped off my clothes. My dick was at full attention, pointing toward the bed. I agreed.

I lay down and rubbed my dick as I thought about Nessie's tits and her whimper when I'd kissed her neck. I thought of the smell of her skin fresh out of the bath and the way her lips had felt against mine for those few brief seconds. I remembered her shy smile and caramel-colored nipples. I imagined what it would be like to see her in the cream bra and panties. Her nipples would be hard, and she'd whimper for me again when I'd pinch them lightly. She'd turn around and bend down slowly for me to admire her ass before I'd push the string of the panties out of the way and fuck her.

"Jesus Christ," I growled. I came hard and collapsed. I didn't move for several long minutes. I just laid there and let myself be calm. After a few minutes, I got up and went to the bathroom to clean up. I was much more relaxed, and it was nice to think about things with a clear head. I was still pissed off at Leah, but I could appreciate that she wanted to get something nice for Nessie. And I was happy that Nessie had a gift to open. I was mostly pissed that I'd told Nessie I knew what was in the box, and she looked so embarrassed to have opened that with me there. At least I hadn't told her it was from me.

I got dressed and went back out to the living room. I inspected each hole and decided what I'd need to do to get started. I didn't have anything with me on hand, and I wasn't leaving the house again until I had to work the next day. I made a plan to pick everything up on Friday and do the work on Saturday. It meant spending the day away from Nessie, but it'd be worth it to have this taken care of. I decided I'd get some heavy curtains as well to block all the windows. I needed to start getting things ready for the slight chance that Nessie took me up on my offer to stay with me.

With a plan in place and nothing better to do, I got ready for bed.

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A/N: Thanks for reading :)

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	20. All Around Me

A/N: Squee! I'm too excited about this chapter. I could babble, but I won't. I don't own anything. Enjoy!

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Nineteen

All Around Me

_I can feel you all around me  
Thickening the air I'm breathing  
Holding on to what I'm feeling  
Savoring this heart that's healing_

- All Around Me – Flyleaf

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

Jake was already gone when I woke up on Wednesday. He'd left a note saying he'd gone to work and would be back later with something for my birthday. I sighed. Today was the actual date, but I didn't feel twenty. I couldn't say that I felt no different from nineteen, though, because I did feel different. I knew it had nothing to do with age and everything to do with Jacob.

I spent the day reading and wishing my damn skin would just heal so I could hug Jacob the way I really wanted to. I wasn't sure what time Jake would get back, but I knew he got off work at four o'clock. I was nervous about what he would do when he got back. It was a big enough stretch for me to allow brownies and the possible candle he'd light; I wasn't sure if I could handle presents.

As I thought about what was going to happen, I wondered what we would do for dinner. I remembered reading something years ago about a girl who always had dinner ready when her husband got home from work. She'd present him with a meal, he'd kiss her lips, and they'd eat together. As much as I knew I was setting myself up for failure, I decided I would cook for Jacob. I wondered what Jacob would like, and then decided it probably wouldn't matter because I'd end up burning it anyway. With a sigh, I made some macaroni and cheese and added some hot dogs. It wasn't gourmet, but it was dinner.

Jacob got back fifteen minutes after I'd finished cooking. I wasn't sure why he thought he had to knock, but I wasn't going to ask.

"Hey, happy birthday," he said happily as he came in. He had brownies and a wrapped box, and he handed them both to me.

I was torn. I wanted the present because it was from Jake, but I didn't want it because it was too happy. I took them from his hands anyway. "Thank you, but you didn't have to get me a present." I didn't know why I hoped he'd take it back.

He shrugged. "I didn't; that's from Leah."

Dammit. I couldn't ask him to give it back to her. That would be rude, and I'd have both of them mad at me. I gave up and just went into the kitchen. Jake followed me.

"I kind of made dinner. It's nothing special, but it's something."

Instead of laughing at me, he smiled and kissed my head. "Thanks, Ness."

I was relieved. It wasn't a kiss on the lips, but it was a kiss nonetheless. We made our plates and went to the living room to eat.

"Did you have a good day?" Jake asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I just kind of read and stuff. It was okay. What about you?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good. No drama, anyway." He smiled at me.

When we were done, Jake took our plates. I got up and followed him to clean up. He turned on the water and started to fill the sink. I should have known he would try to do it all himself.

"Jake, I made it, I can clean it up."

"Nessie, it's your birthday. I'm not going to let you do dishes on your birthday. Go sit down, and I'll bring your brownies out in a minute."

"Please, Jake, that's ridiculous. Let me help." Did I really think that would work? This was Jake I was arguing with. I wasn't giving in, though. I tried to sneak around him to get the pan on the stove, but he stepped in front of me.

"No. Go sit down."

I tried to ignore how close I was to him. His back was right in front of me, and I wanted so badly to hug him. I wanted to stay in there and help him. It bugged me that he wouldn't even let me do that. "Why? Just because it's my birthday—"

He sighed and turned to look at me, and his eyes were dark. He was frustrated, but so was I. Just because I was born this day twenty years ago didn't make me any more special than anyone else. I could do my own damn dishes.

"Nessie, I'm going to ask you nicely one more time to please go sit down. It's your birthday, and I would really like to make this special for you. You shouldn't be doing dishes or cleaning up today."

It was bullshit! He hadn't complained one bit about having dinner cooked for him. If I could cook for him, why the hell couldn't I clean a fucking plate? I put my hands on my hips. "I cooked dinner," I pointed out. "Why didn't you get upset with me about that?"

He paused for a second, and I thought I saw a crack in his defense. He sealed it pretty damn fast, though.

"Because you did it before I got here, and I couldn't stop you. I'm here now, and I will stop you from cleaning up."

It hurt to know that he didn't want me to cook dinner for him. It didn't matter that he was being ridiculous about my so-called 'special day.' If he'd had a choice, he wouldn't have eaten it. No wonder he was so adamant about cooking when he was here with me. I didn't want him to see my hurt, though, so I tried to be strong. I crossed my arms over my chest, but the burning pain in my skin was unbearable. I was healing, but not enough for that.

I desperately held on to my anger as I stomped out of the room. I sat on the couch and listened to him in the kitchen. I thought of the girl whose husband was so happy to have dinner ready as the water was run and dishes were clinked together. Why couldn't I be that girl? Why couldn't I have someone who would be happy to have what I made? And why couldn't that someone be Jake?

"You ready for this?" Jake asked a few minutes later.

I wasn't ready at all. I felt a little sick. "No, not really."

"Come on, Ness, be a sport." His voice was hard like he was still frustrated with me.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I had to get it together for Jake. He wanted to make me happy with this whole birthday thing, and the least I could do was enjoy it for him. "I guess I'm ready."

Jacob came around the corner with the box of brownies. There was a candle in the middle, lit and throwing pretty sparks an inch in each direction. He set them down in front of me.

"Happy birthday, Nessie." I smiled up at him, and he rubbed my back. "Make a wish."

I remembered my dad saying those exact words. I nodded and swallowed as I remembered my dad lighting candles on my sixteenth birthday. "My dad always said to make it a good wish because I only got one per year." His smile was in every thought, and I thought I might die from the weight on my chest. It hurt so badly. I closed my eyes, and Jake kissed the side of my head. It helped a little bit. "Then he'd tell me to blow out the candle." I tried to wipe the tears off my face.

The first wish that came to mind made me sick. I almost wished to see my dad again and apologize. My stomach turned, and I stopped breathing for a moment. I had to get a grip. I focused my attention on Jake's hand on my back. I wished that someday, somehow, I could tell Jake that I loved him. I wished I could say it and have him say it back.

It was a little easier to think of that wish. I opened my eyes and smiled up at him. "I made my wish."

He leaned close to me and kissed my shoulder. "Blow out the candle."

I met his eyes and licked my lips. His dark eyes stared at me intently, as if searching for something. I wanted so badly to kiss him in that moment. I wanted it so much my lips tingled. Instead, I licked them and turned back to blow out the candle.

I felt Jake's hand in my hair. "My dad always said you're not actually a year older until you blow out the candle. So congratulations, Ness, you're really twenty now."

"Thank you." It was the best I could manage.

"You're welcome." He cut up the brownies and handed one to me. "No frosting and no nuts."

I smiled at him. The brownie was pretty good, but I had a hell of a time keeping my attention off the crumbs on Jacob's lips. I wanted to lick them off for him. Somehow, I managed to refrain. When we were finished, Jake handed the present to me.

I didn't know Leah well, and I was worried about what I would find in the box. "What is it?" I asked.

Jacob smirked. "It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you. Leah told me; it's harmless."

I felt a little better knowing Jake was okay with whatever the gift was. I tore the wrapping paper off and opened the box.

It was a cream-colored silk robe. I was both surprised and choked up as I lifted it out of the box. "This is nice." It was long and beautiful; it looked like it would all the way to my feet. I set it aside and glanced back at the box. There was more.

Although I knew what it was, it didn't really hit me until I picked it up. I wanted to close the box and burn it. Instead, I blushed ten shades darker than I'd ever blushed before as I lifted it higher. The top was silk and see-through with a tiny heart clasp in the front. The bottoms were little more than delicate silk strings. I wasn't even sure if the front would cover what it was supposed to cover.

"Holy cow." The silk was smooth, and I briefly wondered what it would feel like on.

Jake cleared his throat, and my blush deepened. I dropped the bra and panties back into the box and attempted to smile at him. "Um… wow… tell her I said thanks? I guess." I hurried to get the robe back in the box and close it. My body was throbbing again. It wouldn't have surprised me if my panties were already wet. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. I wondered what Leah had thought when she got that for me. Did she think Jake and I were dating? Or did she think something would happen any time soon? It wasn't like I needed to dress up in that for myself.

"What would you like to do now?" Jake asked.

I licked my lips and looked at him. His eyes were much darker than before. They were dark like when he was angry, but there was no anger there. It was something I'd never seen before, and I wasn't sure what to think of it.

"I don't know. Is my party over?"

"Do you want it to be over? We could watch a movie or play a game. Anything you want." His eyes shot to the box in my lap and back to my face. I wondered briefly if he wanted me to try on the little outfit. I sighed and put the box down on the floor. It didn't matter how badly I wanted him. I had to wait until my skin was healed before I could try to be pretty for him again.

"A movie actually sounds great."

He nodded and got the bag with the movies. We decided on _Uncle Buck_, and I sat against him like before after he started it. Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was or how to fix it. He was rigid throughout the whole movie, and he didn't laugh once. I wondered if maybe Leah had told him she'd gotten something different for my present. Maybe he was as surprised about the lingerie as I was. With the way he was acting, it wouldn't have surprised me if he was upset about it. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Even if he did know, I wasn't sure what to think about his almost complete unresponsiveness throughout the movie. I looked up at him, and he smiled tightly at me. He was distracted and upset, that was for sure. Maybe I was wrong on all counts, and I'd just done something to upset him.

When the movie ended, he got up quickly and put the tape back in its case. After a few heavy breaths, he turned to me.

"I should go home tonight, Ness. Will you be okay?"

I nodded. "I'll be fine, Jake."

He nodded, kissed my head, and left. He'd never been so eager to get away from me. So much for a good day. My stomach twisted, and I decided to just go to bed. I took the box with the robe and put it in my closet for another day.

I woke up at four-thirty the next morning with my heart pounding. I was covered in sweat, and still panting. The dream was fresh in my mind, and I could still feel Jake's fingers on my body as they slid lightly down my sides to grab my hips. It was not the first graphic dream I'd had about him, but this one had starred the lingerie Leah had given to me.

I got up to get a drink and tried to go back to sleep. I lay awake for a long while before I gave up and just got up for the day. My skin was healing nicely, and I kept taking care of it with hopes I'd be able to go out and do something with Jake on Saturday.

Jake called at noon to check on me, and I assured him I was fine. He had things he needed to do after work, so he wouldn't be coming by. I was okay with that, I said. I'd miss him, but I would make myself be okay. I wanted to ask him what had happened the night before, but I didn't want to talk about it over the phone while he was working. I'd wait until we were together again, and then I'd ask him. I just prayed it wasn't something I'd done to screw up again.

There were other things we needed to talk about as well. I hadn't told Jake about my conversation with Kelly on Tuesday when I'd called in. Kelly had told me that I needed to get a doctor's note if I wanted to have a job when I went back. I was nervous to tell him; he'd asked me several times about a doctor on Monday, and I'd refused. I didn't have a doctor, and there was no way I could go to an emergency room. I wasn't an emergency anyway, and the mere thought of going to a hospital made me panic. I was afraid if I told Jake about the note, he'd take the responsibility as his own and probably force me to go. I just couldn't.

Even before I talked to Kelly, I'd already resigned myself to losing my job. I wasn't making enough to save up the two thousand plus dollars to save my house, and I'd lose it in a month anyway. What was the point in staying with a job I hated? I had enough money to get me through that month with food and utilities. I hadn't come up with any ideas yet, but I would.

Jake came by Friday night with dinner, and I was excited to be with him again. He asked me how my day was while we ate, and I told him it was fine. I knew I needed to talk to him, but I was nervous.

"So, um… Jake?"

He glanced at me. "Yeah?"

"I have a question."

He waited as I tried to decide how to ask him. "Okay?" he said after a minute.

I licked my lips. "It's silly. Just… on Wednesday, when you came over for my birthday. I was just wondering… I mean, you seemed kind of upset, and I was kind of worried that maybe I did something wrong?" I stared at my fingers and prayed he didn't tell me I'd done everything wrong.

He sighed and leaned forward. "No, Ness, you didn't do anything wrong. Leah'd told me she got you the robe, but she didn't say anything about the, uh… other things."

I breathed a sigh of relief at the same time that my stomach turned. I just nodded and decided not to comment. I needed to change the subject.

"How, um… How is that new medicine working for you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It's working okay, I guess. I can tell a difference, anyway. I'm not as upset, and I can kind of keep my cool."

"Good." I was happy to know that he was doing better. I was too nervous to bring up the other subject yet; I'd wait until I officially lost my job to tell him.

He leaned back a little and touched my hair. "I am sorry, Nessie, about what Leah gave you."

I smiled. "Don't be, Jake. Leah will be Leah."

He smirked. "Yeah, I guess."

We finished eating, and Jake got ready to leave. "I've got to do some work on my house tomorrow, so I won't be able to come over. I'll come over Sunday after work, though, if that's okay. We'll do something then?"

I smiled at him. "That's fine." I was sad that I wouldn't have my day with him, though. I told myself I was being greedy again. I'd had all day Monday and Tuesday with him, not to mention Wednesday and Friday night. I had to knock it off or I'd make him upset again.

My skin was healed by Saturday, so I went to the library. It was so nice to be able to walk around in the sunlight again. I walked a little slower than usual to have a few extra minutes in the sun's warmth. I got a few books that looked pretty good and went back home to read them.

I had expected Jake to call me sometime before it got dark, but I still hadn't heard from him at seven thirty. I tried to tell myself I was worried, but I knew that wasn't the case. Jake worked on buildings all day at work; he knew what he was doing with whatever it was he needed to do to his house. I hoped. Regardless, I knew the real reason for the ache in my chest was because I wanted to hear his voice. I refused to be greedy, though, so I didn't call him. He'd call me when he was ready to talk to me again.

I was getting ready for bed at eight-thirty when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ness. Sorry to call so late."

I was relieved to hear Jake's voice. "No, it's okay."

"I had planned on calling earlier, but time got away from me. You getting ready for bed?"

"Kind of, but I'm glad you called. Did you get everything done that you wanted?" And when could I see him again? I pursed my lips.

"Yeah, I did. It's all good as new now. How was your day?"

I licked my lips and shrugged to myself. "It was okay. Went to the library and got some new books. What about you?" I leaned against the counter.

"Not bad." I heard the shrug in his voice. "Busy, but that's good. I'd like to come see you tomorrow after I get off work, though."

I smiled brightly and attempted to control myself. "I'd like that."

"Good. I'll bring dinner again, okay?"

A part of me wanted to ask what was so wrong with my cooking. I wasn't any good at it, but I could make some things. I kept my sigh to myself; I knew Jake deserved better than hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, or canned soup.

"Okay."

"Have a good night, Ness. See you tomorrow."

"You, too, Jake."

We hung up, and I went to bed. The next time I went to the library, I was going to get some books on cooking. If it killed me, I would learn how to make at least one thing Jake would like.

* * *

I tapped my toe against the carpet Sunday afternoon as I distractedly read my book. It really wasn't that good, and my thoughts were still on cooking for Jacob. I'd had a dream where I made a roast and he came home and kissed me.

I thought about digging out the cookbook my mother had made, but I knew it would only bring up memories I didn't want to think about right then.

Jake showed up at five o'clock with dinner as he'd promised. He pulled me into a hug, and it felt so good.

"How was your day?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It was okay. Yours?"

"Pretty decent. I'm glad it's over, though. You hungry?" He held up the bag of hamburgers he'd brought with him.

I did my very best not to scowl at the bag. I smiled at him instead. "I am, thank you."

I got some paper plates for us and we sat down to eat. Neither of us said anything for a while, but it was a comfortable silence. Although I knew there was so much I needed to tell him, I didn't feel rushed. It would come up eventually, and I would have to tell him after I signed my final paper. For now, though, I was content to just be with him.

When we'd finished eating, I took the trash to the kitchen before Jake could do anything about it. He didn't try to stop me. I was relieved. When I went back to the living room, Jake was relaxed against the couch with one foot on the coffee table. I sat down and leaned into him, too happy to finally be able to do this again to care that I didn't really have a reason. Instead of questioning me, Jake wrapped his arm around me and rubbed my shoulder.

We were quiet again, but it was a little different this time. Neither of us was occupied with other things. There was just him and me, and the silence was both peaceful and yearning. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat as his fingers alternated between combing through my hair and gliding lightly across the skin of my arm. The rash was gone completely, and it was nice to feel his touch again.

"Are you looking forward to next week?" Jake asked quietly. The rumble in his chest made me shiver.

I sighed. "Not really. It's been nice not having to put up with phone calls or people."

He chuckled, and both the feel of his body moving under me and the sound so deep and vibrant against my ear had me wishing I could sit up and kiss him. I crossed my legs when I noticed the space between them start to throb.

"I bet it has. I wouldn't go back if they offered me triple the pay I'd been getting."

I could lie here forever, just listening to and feeling his voice against my face. His warmth was all around me, and every time his fingers brushed against my skin was another stroke of fire. I took a deep breath and snuggled a little closer. My fingers started to play with the neckline of his shirt, and I admired the contrast between the smooth, dark skin of his throat to the light gray shirt he was wearing. The fabric was rough, but his skin was soft when my fingers touched him. I wondered what it would be like to kiss his neck. Just right there above the shirt. I touched the spot and imagined lifting myself high enough to plant my lips there.

"I was thinking that since I get off at four, and you get off at five-thirty, I'd come by and pick you up from work tomorrow. I'd like to take you in, but I need to be at the site pretty early."

I felt myself go cold. All thoughts of kissing him disappeared. I didn't want to sit back up; I knew he'd see the panic in my face. I licked my lips and tried to think of some reason he shouldn't pick me up from work. I was all for him coming to see me, but I needed to have time to deal with the situation first. If it went the way I was pretty sure it was going to go, I'd get to work, tell Kelly I didn't have a note, and I'd sign papers and clean out my desk.

"You okay, Ness?" Jake asked. His arm tightened around me.

I nodded and forced myself to take a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm okay." I winced; it sounded a little desperate.

He tilted his head to look down at me, and I tried to appear calm. He smiled at me. "So would that be okay? Can I come pick you up?"

What the hell was I going to do? I felt like crying as I sat up and sucked in another breath. "I, um… Well, I might have to stay late and talk to Kelly or something. I mean, she might be a little upset that I've been gone for so long." Was that reaching too far?

He sighed and leaned forward with me. "Don't let them give you any shit, Nessie. They can't do anything to you; you've been gone for a medical reason."

I nodded, but my stomach twisted into tighter knots. They could still fire me if I didn't have a note. Kelly had assured me of that. I wanted to run away and deal with this tomorrow. I really wasn't sure why I thought tomorrow would be any easier. He'd still be upset.

I licked my lips again. "They might still have good reason to tell me I can't come back."

He shook his head and rubbed my back. "That's bullshit."

I told myself to just go with it and I'd figure something out. I could somehow be there at five-thirty for him to pick me up. As much as I wanted to lie, I heard different words coming out of my mouth.

"They might have said something about needing a doctor's not before I could go back to work." I cringed and closed my eyes.

The silence that followed was loaded with tension. Jake's hand stopped rubbing my back, and he seemed to freeze beside me.

"What?" he asked.

I swallowed thickly. I told myself to just say something, but I couldn't force any words out. He pulled away from me and stood up.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I looked up at him shyly, afraid of what I'd see. He was staring at me, his eyes dark with anger and his jaw clenched tightly.

"I'm sorry, Jake."

He grunted and took a few steps away. "How many times did I ask you if you needed to see a doctor?"

"That was on Monday, though; I didn't know I needed one until Tuesday." Like that was really any reason to keep it from him. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. I got up and took a few steps toward him. "I really am sorry. But it's… it's not really your problem, and I didn't want to put all of that on you."

The hand in his hair clenched into a tight fist. "I thought I made it clear that I want to help you."

"There's only so much you can do, though," I said lamely. It wasn't an excuse, but it was the best I could do. How could I explain the real reason to him?

His hand dropped and he turned to look at me. "Why couldn't I help you with that? If you'd said something, we could have found a way to get you to a doctor. Fuck, there are a lot of goddamn options. You've told me how important this job is to you; what makes you think that helping you keep it isn't important to me?"

I shook my head, tears already threatening to overflow. I knew he was going to react like this. Why didn't I just lie? It would have been so easy to make sure I was ready to leave the place at five-thirty.

"It's not that I think that… It's just that you've already done so much for me. How can I ever repay you for what you've done?"

He groaned and started to pace the room, his fists clenched at his sides. "Have I _ever_ said I want you to pay me back for _anything_?"

"That's not the point," I said flatly. Of course I'd never thought he actually wanted me to pay him for anything, but that didn't make our relationship any less unbalanced. I wanted so badly for him to understand, and it frustrated me that he didn't.

"Then what is the point, Nessie? Why the hell can't you just let me help you?"

I furrowed my brow; I thought I'd done a pretty damn good job accepting his help. "I have let you help me, Jake, but there are some things I can do on my own." My stomach twisted painfully at the thought of having another fight with him. I tried to discreetly place myself between him and the door.

"Then why didn't you go to the doctor and get the damn note on your own?" he yelled.

"I couldn't go outside! How can I go to a doctor when I can't go outside?"

He growled and started to pace again. "You could have talked to me, and we could have figured something out together. If you wanted to go by yourself, then I wouldn't have stopped you. Jesus, Nessie, why do you have to be so fucking difficult?"

My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my stomach. I was nauseous anyway, and the extra pounding didn't help. Something about how he'd just spoken to me hurt, and I hated it. I was angry, and some part of me wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt me.

"It's so easy for you," I spat. "You don't understand what's like to be unable to do simple, everyday things like wash dishes or cook dinner. Or what it's like to be trapped in your own house with someone who won't even let you put your own lotion on."

Once the words were out, I realized what I'd said. I wanted to apologize. It wasn't like that; I loved every moment I had with him. Why couldn't I say things the way I wanted them to be said? My anger turned to dread when he turned to me with pained shock written clearly on his face. He overcame it quickly, and the hard rage that took it's place scared me.

"I'm sorry, Nessie," he growled. "I'm sorry that I've _trapped_ you in your own house. I'll go home. I won't come back."

His words cut through me, and I felt sick like I had when he left before. My heart broke, but what hurt the most was knowing that I'd hurt him. He started toward the door, but I was closer and put myself in front of it.

"Don't go like this. Please; you promised me."

His hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, and he took two steps back. "What the hell do you want me to do, then?" he yelled.

Trying to stop my tears now was useless. "I'm sorry for what I said. I don't want you to leave. Please stay, or at least come back tomorrow."

"Would you make up your goddamn mind? Do you want me here or not?"

I nodded fervently. "I want you here."

He took a deep breath and looked down at the floor, holding still for a few seconds. "You better be really fucking sure, Ness, because I can't just sit back and do nothing when you struggle with something."

"I am sure. I just want to do something for you, too. I feel so useless when all I can do is sit back and let you do everything."

He looked up at me, his eyes still dark and his voice still hard. "You could do plenty for me by just letting me help you and stop fighting me every chance you get."

"Letting you help wouldn't do anything but make this whole thing that much more unbalanced. No matter what I do, it will never be enough to make things equal again."

He started to pace again, one hand gripping his hair. "Why the fuck do things have to be equal, Ness?"

I sniffled and wrapped my arms around my stomach. Although he hadn't walked out yet, I was still desperate and terrified. "If everything is on you, you'll get sick of me and leave. I love you, and I can't lose you."

His pacing stopped, and I gasped when I realized what I'd said. I stared at him with wide eyes as he came up to me quickly. I pressed my back against the door.

"What did you say?" he asked, staring at me with an expression I couldn't hope to understand.

"I, um…" How was I going to fix this?

His fingers hooked under my chin and made me look up at him. His eyes had mellowed so much that it was hard to believe he was so angry only seconds earlier. I wasn't sure what I saw now. "Please tell me what you said."

I licked my lips. My heart was in my throat, and it was hard to breathe. I wanted to lie, but I knew he'd catch me. If I wanted any hope of coming through this with our friendship, I had to tell him the truth. I took a deep breath. "I said if everything was on you, you'd get sick of me. I can't lose you. Because, um…" I met his eyes and prayed he wouldn't freak out. "Because I love you."

Instead of laughing or jumping back the way I'd expected him to, he leaned in a little closer to me. "I won't get sick of you," he said softly. "How could I, Nessie? I love you, too."

I was frozen. My stomach fluttered so hard I was almost afraid I'd get sick. Disbelief, shock, and a strange sort of happiness flew through me so strongly it was hard to contain it. I just stared at him and wondered if he knew how amazing and terrible it was to hear those words. Did he think I meant I loved him as a friend?

His fingers under my chin lifted my face higher, and I met his eyes again. There was something in his that I'd never seen before. An intensity that made my heart race and my knees weak. He leaned in closer to me, his face inches from mine, and brought his other hand up to cup my cheek. I felt dizzy as the world around me started to spin.

"I love you, Nessie," he said seriously. It didn't look or sound like he meant friendly love.

It felt like my spinning world was turning on its head as he leaned closer still. His lips touched mine, and I was suddenly aware of burning electricity flowing around us. I was burning up, and it felt heavenly.

Jacob pulled back a little and met my eyes again. "Breathe, Nessie."

I sucked in air, and felt even dizzier. My hands had somehow found his shoulders. I gripped his shirt tightly as I stared into his eyes. His thumb wiped my cheek as his hand slipped back to hold my neck.

"I love you," he said softly.

I licked my lips. "I love you, too." It was nothing but a whisper.

He kissed me again, his lips more insistent against mine. My life was officially upside down. In all of the chaos around me, Jacob was my one constant. His lips and hands held me to the ground. A part of me couldn't even believe that this was happening. He was going to disappear, and I was going to fall on my head at any moment. I held on to him with everything I had to keep from falling. The hand that was under my chin moved around my waist and held me close to him.

I tried to remember how to breathe when he tilted his head and parted his lips. I was so lost, but I trusted him and followed his lead. I opened my mouth when he did and almost jumped when I felt his warm, wet tongue on my lip. I met him, and it spurred the electricity around and made my entire body tingle.

Everything around me and in me melted into him as we kissed. I felt more secure now, with everything around me hanging by a thread, than I had felt in so long. I realized that my world had not been turned upside down. It had already been upside down, and he righted me with his kiss.

Slowly, we both simmered back to the tender, delicate kisses we'd started with. After one more soft kiss, he pulled back and wiped my cheek with his thumb again. I opened my eyes, and he smiled.

"I love you, Nessie."

I let one of my hands move to touch his cheek. I still wasn't sure if this was a dream. "I love you, too."

He pulled me against him and held me tightly. My arms slipped down, and my hands rested on his chest next to my face. It felt so amazing.

"I'm sorry for what I said before," I said.

His fingers combed through my hair. "I know, Ness. I am, too." He kissed the top of my head. "Do you want to go somewhere tonight and get a note for tomorrow?"

I sighed and looked up at him. "I don't know, Jake. A part of me says yes because I know that would be the responsible thing to do. But I really don't know if I want to bother. I can't stand it there. Everybody judges me, whether they say anything or not. I can see it in their eyes. Either they avoid me, or they treat me like I'm a wounded animal."

He leaned down to kiss my lips softly. "I know what you mean, Nessie. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Do you think it's worth the effort to keep your job?"

"No, not really."

"Have you thought much about what we talked about last Tuesday?"

I took a deep breath. "You mean about staying with you?" He nodded. I put my forehead on his chest and closed my eyes. "Not really."

He held me tightly. "It's okay, Ness; I was just curious."

We were both quiet for a long while. I was amazed by all that had happened in such a short amount of time.

"Do you still want to come see me after work tomorrow?" I asked. I hoped he did. I looked up at him, and he nodded.

"I would like that. Can I take you to dinner?" I smiled and nodded. He brought one hand up to wipe an errant tear off my chin. "I mean, I'd like to take you out on a date, Nessie. Can I?"

Excitement like I'd never known threatened to strangle me. My smile was huge, and I hugged him tightly. "Yes, of course!"

He chuckled. "Good. After I get off work, I'm going to go home so I can clean up and stuff, but I'll be here at about six, okay?"

I stood on my toes to kiss him. I could really get used to doing that. "Sounds good."

Jacob left for the night at eight o'clock, and I was almost surprised by how exhausted I was. I went to bed thinking about the kiss we'd shared and our upcoming date. I decided I'd get up early to just get things with Kelly out of the way and have the rest of my day to plan what I would wear.

* * *

A/N: :D Thoughts?

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	21. Loved

A/N: Somehow it seems like this chapter took a while to get done, so I apologize for the wait. One reason I've been able to update so often (aside from already having it written) is that I've been out of a job for a while. I recently got a job offer, which means I will be busy again and updates will get further apart. Don't worry, though; I will still update at least once a week. More often if I get the chance. It's not for certain yet, but I'm hopeful! :)

I own nothing. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty

Loved

_Don't give up  
It's just the hurt  
That you hide  
When you're lost inside, I  
I'll be there to find you_

- You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) – Josh Groban

* * *

_**Jacob**_

"You seem all bright and chipper today," Leah said as we got ready for work on Monday.

"Yep." I hadn't stopped thinking about Nessie saying she loved me. Or the kiss we shared. I'd known kissing her was going to be good, but I didn't know how good. I couldn't wait to see her after work so I could kiss her again.

Leah looked me over as we walked into the nearly-finished building. I wasn't giving anything up yet. She'd either guess or drag it out of me eventually, but I was going to have fun with this.

"So, what happened? Did you get laid?"

I scowled at her and shook my head. "Can't I be in a good mood without fucking something?"

She shrugged. "Sure, I guess. Is it Nessie?" I was pretty sure I hadn't reacted to her question, but she smacked my arm. "What happened with Nessie? Did you kiss her? Did she kiss you? Did you tell her you love her?"

I rolled my eyes. Damn woman and her damn perceptiveness. "Yes, I kissed her. Yes, she kissed me back. I'm taking her out tonight."

Leah squealed. Actually squealed like a little pig. "Jake, that's wonderful! You two are going to be so happy together. What happened? Did you just tell her and kiss her?"

I laughed. "No. I'll tell you on lunch."

As we worked, I thought about how Nessie was doing. I wondered if she'd have to clean out her desk and how she'd get everything home. On lunch, I told Leah about what had happened the day before. I dragged it out, starting with the fight and how Nessie had pissed me off more than ever. Leah crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a look that said she was impatient for the good stuff. I ignored her.

"You said you kissed her, Jake. When did you kiss her?"

"I'm getting to that; don't get your panties in a bunch." I waved my hand at her, and she glared at me. "Then she's saying something ridiculous about how nothing's going to be equal again. When have things ever been equal with us? We're both pretty fucked up. I asked her why it even needed to be, and she said she was afraid I'd leave if it was all on me. She said she couldn't lose me because she loves me."

I paused, and Leah's eyes widened. She grinned and smacked my shoulder. "And here I thought you said it first. She's clearly the braver one for spitting it out like that."

I shrugged. "Yeah, probably. Then I kissed her."

"And? Was she good?"

I snorted. "What is she, a dessert? She was fucking fantastic."

"And you're taking her out tonight on your first real date. I'm excited for you, Jake." She punched my arm.

"Thanks."

Leah smiled. "I'll stay home tonight. You'll probably need advice. You can call any time."

"I won't need any advice. It's not like I've never taken a girl out before. I took you out plenty of times." I bumped her shoulder as we started to get our shit together.

"My point exactly."

I glared at her but left it alone. Lunch was over, and we had to get back to work anyway.

I left at four and went home to shower. I was excited and maybe a little worried about Nessie. I wanted to know how the day had gone for her. If they'd given her too much shit, I would make them regret it. I was still pissed that she hadn't told me about the note. I wanted her to trust me enough to tell me anything. It hurt a little that she thought I'd leave if she put too much on me. I wasn't sure if I was more upset that she didn't tell me or that I couldn't do anything about them firing her. If she'd gotten the note and they fired her, I could do plenty. I could fight for her.

I dried off and went to my room. I wanted to take Ness to the place I'd first taken her to dinner. It was nice and romantic. I was lost on what to wear, though. Should I wear a tie? Should I go casual? I groaned to myself and went through my closet. I thought only girls were supposed to freak out about their clothes. Besides, I'd taken Ness to dinner plenty of times. This was different, though. This time I was taking her out on a real date, hopefully to convince her we were good for each other.

I got out two shirts and looked at both of them. Neither looked right. Fuck, this first date thing was confusing. I wasn't even sure why I was confused. This was Nessie; there had never been any need to be anything but myself around her.

At five-fifteen, I gave up and called Leah.

"Please tell me you're calling for advice," she said when she answered.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not calling for advice, I just need to know if I should wear a tie or not." She'd see right through me, but I didn't care.

She laughed. "That would be giving my advice."

"No, Leah, that would be giving your opinion."

"Okay, sure, whatever. Where are you taking her?"

"Alexi's Grill." A grill didn't need a tie, did it?

"That's a nice place. No tie. Wear a button up shirt and leave the first three buttons undone. Slacks or nice jeans. And by nice jeans, I mean I'll kick your ass if you wear your work jeans."

I raised an eyebrow. "What the hell's the difference?"

Her sigh was frustrated. "Just wear slacks; it'll save you in the long run."

I nodded and went back to my closet. "Should I take her a flower or something?"

"Are you sixteen? Flowers are nice and all, but you're not trying to convince her you like her. She knows that. Just be yourself."

I snorted. "Sure, sure. Be myself."

She laughed. "Jake, are you _nervous_?"

"What? Hell no. Why would I be nervous?" My palms were sweating, and my heart was beating double time. But I wasn't nervous. I was… anxious. Eager, and maybe a little impatient.

"Because if you blow this, you'll never have another chance."

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Leah. That helps a lot." Fuck it; I was nervous.

"Anytime, Jake." I could hear the smile in her voice. "When are you picking her up?"

I glanced at my watch. "At six, about a half an hour."

"What the hell are you doing still on the phone? Go get dressed. Top three buttons undone and slacks. Got it?"

I smiled. "Yep. Work jeans and dirty shirt. Got it."

She started to say something, but I hung up before she could finish. I laughed to myself and dug out one of the two pairs of slacks I owned and a black button-up shirt. Like Leah suggested, I left the first three buttons undone. I felt like a douche. I ignored it and went into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

I showed up at Nessie's right at six o'clock. Somehow I felt like I should have something for her. Even a box of chocolates. Something.

Nessie opened a minute later and stepped back to let me in. She smiled up at me as she closed the door.

"Hi," she said softly. She was dressed in her jeans with a low-cut purple top I liked. Her hair was done in curls with the top pinned back, and she'd put on a little bit of makeup. I loved that she didn't put a lot on. She was a natural beauty and didn't need all the war paint some women wore.

"Hey." I pulled her to me and hugged her tightly. "How are you? How did things go today?"

She shrugged and rested her head on my chest. "It went okay, I guess. Pretty much how I expected."

I kissed the top of her head. "I take it you won't be going back?"

She sighed and looked up at me. "No, I won't. I brought everything home and they told me to get my final check tomorrow." Her eyes watered, and she sniffled as she put her forehead back on my chest.

I petted her hair for a minute and let her cry. She sniffled again and pulled back.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I shouldn't be like this."

I furrowed my brow and took her hand to lead her to the couch. I sat down and pulled her onto my lap. "Nessie, listen to me. I don't like it when you hold things that bother you inside. Talk to me, please. I know it's not going to solve anything, but it will make you feel better."

She stared at me as though she wasn't sure she believed what I said. She sucked in a deep breath and nodded. "I'm scared." She licked her lips and looked down. Her fingers started to pick at the buttons on my shirt. "I'm… worried about what's going to happen now." She glanced up at me briefly. "I mean, I've known for a while that I probably wasn't going to have my job for very long, but now it's real. I went to the library after work and put in some more applications, but I don't know how much luck I'm going to have." She sniffled and wiped her face. I just rubbed her back and waited for her to finish. "I also looked up some apartments in the area, but I'm nervous to look at anything without knowing if I'd be able to pay for it or if it would be close enough to where I'd be working if I get another job."

She leaned down and put her head on my shoulder. I wanted to tell her to forget about apartments or working; she could just live with me, and I'd take care of her. I didn't want to scare her, though. I'd only talked to her about staying with me as a last resort until she found something else, and this was only our first date. I cleared my throat and kissed her head.

"How much time do you have left?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I'd have to look at the paper again, and I really don't want to right now."

I nodded. "That's okay." I kissed her head again and let her rest quietly. After a few minutes, she sat up.

"God, I'm sorry, Jake. I'm totally ruining our date." She wiped her face and started to get up. I caught her waist and held her against me.

"No, you're not ruining anything. The restaurant doesn't close until nine, so we have plenty of time."

"But I'm crying, and I probably have mascara all over my face now."

She actually did. She had a few black streaks, some smeared from when she wiped her cheeks. I smiled and smeared another line.

"You're still beautiful."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

I didn't like that she doubted what I'd said. I lifted her face with my fingers under chin and made her look at me. She met my eyes, hers bright from her tears.

"You're gorgeous, Ness. You always have been."

She blushed, and her eyes flickered down before she met mine again. "Not always. I wasn't last week."

I sighed and beat down a rush of annoyance. As much as I wanted to physically force her to believe me, I'd only end up pushing her away. I did my best at a softer approach. "I thought you were. There hasn't been one time where I thought you were anything less than beautiful."

She shook her head. "Thank you, Jake, but I'm not. I need to go fix myself so I can go with you."

Before I could say anything, she leaned forward and kissed me. It was a quick peck on the lips, but I hadn't expected her to be the one to kiss me. It stunned me enough that she was able to get away. As I watched her walk down the hall, I promised myself that someday, somehow, I would convince her she was beautiful.

I got up and paced the room slowly until she came back out with her makeup redone. She smiled shyly up at me.

"Is this okay?" She asked, waving her hands down her body. It took me a second to realize she was talking about her outfit.

"Yeah, that's fine." I went to her and put my arm around her shoulders. She looked up at me with a tiny frown on her lips.

"Are you sure? You look so nice." She blushed and glanced down.

I was maybe a little too happy about her comment. I cleared my throat and kissed her head. "I'm only wearing this because Leah threatened life and limb if I wore the wrong Jeans. I don't get women sometimes."

Nessie laughed and looked back up at me. "I don't get Leah most of the time."

I squeezed her shoulders and smiled. "True. Honestly, Ness, you look fine. Are you ready to go?"

She took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Good. Let's go then."

She smiled and nodded. I took her hand, and we left.

The restaurant was the same as I remembered it. As we walked in, I put my arm around Nessie's shoulders. She smiled and stepped closer to me. The hostess took us to a table, and Nessie sat next to me. I already knew what I wanted, but Nessie took her time looking at the menu. When she'd decided, she put her menu down and smiled at me. I opened my hand on the table and smiled when she took it. She intertwined our fingers, and I noticed her blush. She didn't look away from our hands, though. I liked it.

I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't like feeling uncertain like this. Just because we were dating now didn't mean I had to act any differently. I leaned closer to her and cleared my throat. She looked up at me expectantly.

"Tell me something new about you, Ness." It was my fallback on almost anything with her.

She shrugged. "I might have to think about it for a minute."

"That's fine." I looked around, hoping for something random to get her talking. I noticed a waitress at another table pouring coffee. "Do you like coffee?"

She wrinkled her nose. "No, not really. It's bitter and gross. You?"

"Yeah, sometimes. I have to be in the mood for it though. Have you ever tried a frappuccino?"

She shook her head. "What's a frappuccino?"

"It's coffee with other stuff in it, like vanilla or chocolate. I don't like them, but Leah does. They're sweet instead of bitter." I didn't understand the appeal, but whatever.

"Maybe I'll have to try one sometime." She smiled and squeezed my hand.

I rubbed her thumb with mine. "I'll get you one sometime."

She leaned over to rest her head on my shoulder. The waiter came by, and I gave him our orders. Nessie sat back up but didn't take her hand from mine. We were both quiet again for a minute after the waiter left.

"I've never been drunk," she said.

I raised an eyebrow, confused for a second before I realized she was telling me something new about her. "Neither have I."

She smirked. "There was some vodka and stuff on top of the fridge from… from before. I tried it once, but it was so nasty. I wanted to get drunk, but I couldn't force myself to drink enough to do it. I think I got a little tipsy, though."

"Leah could probably show you the good stuff. I have a drink every now and then, but I don't drink a lot because of my meds."

She nodded and smiled up at me. She was giving me the same look she'd been giving me the last few weeks; the one that I thought meant she wanted me to kiss her. After Saturday, I wanted to believe I was over this hesitation and just kiss her. The thought that there was still some slight chance she'd pull back made me nervous. I cleared my throat and leaned a little closer to her. Instead of pulling back, she raised her chin slightly.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked. I prayed she let me.

She licked her lips and nodded. "Yes, please."

I smiled and closed the space between us. Her lips were soft and so sweet. Whatever she had on them tasted like mint and made my lips tingle. I pulled back and met her eyes again. "I love you." It felt so good to finally be able to say that.

She smiled. "I love you, too."

I kissed her again just because I could. I had to remind myself that we were in a restaurant and couldn't go too far.

Our food was delivered a few minutes later. As much as I hated it, I had to take my hand back to eat. She didn't seem bothered. We ate for a while, and she complimented the food. It was good. I thought about the last time we'd been here. I barely knew her then, and didn't know I had to tiptoe around her. Now I didn't need to be so careful. I knew her better, and while I was still concerned and took extra care with some things, it was nice to know that she'd come to me when she hurt.

Nessie took my hand again when we'd finished eating. She rested her head on my shoulder and put her other hand on her stomach.

"I'm so full, but that was so good." She looked up at me and smiled.

I chuckled and kissed her. "I'm glad. Do you want any dessert?"

She shook her head. "No, thank you."

"Okay. Do you want to stay for a while, or are you ready to go?"

She met my eyes for a minute. "I'm ready to go." She sat back up and smiled.

I paid the check, and we left. The drive back to her house was pretty quick. She pulled a green tube of chapstick out of her pocket and put some on. I wondered if that was the tingly mint stuff. I kind of hoped it was. When we got to her house, I went in with her.

"Thank you, Jake. I had a great time." She started to pick at her fingernails.

"I did, too. Thank you for coming with me." I touched her hair. When she looked up at me, I kissed her. I had only meant for it to be a little kiss, but she took my shoulders and stood on her toes. I wrapped my arms around her and we both opened to deepen the kiss. The tingly mint on her lips was driving me crazy. The feel of her body so close to me, her arms around my neck, and her tongue on mine made me wild.

My hands rubbed down her back to her hips. I wanted to feel her everywhere. Before I could stop myself, one hand slipped over her jeans to her ass. She whimpered and tightened her hold on my neck. I squeezed her ass, pulling her a little closer, as my other hand moved up her side. I felt the swell of her tit. She was too close to grab her, so I lingered for a second before I dragged my fingers back to her hip. Damn it, I was so fucking hard. I wanted to lay her down on the nearest flat surface and fuck her. When I felt myself lifting up on her shirt, I realized how far we'd already gone. Her breathing hitched, and she brought one hand down to grab my wrist. She broke the kiss and moved back, her eyes hooded but nervous.

"Jake?"

I took a deep breath and moved both my hands to her waist. "I'm sorry, Ness. I kind of lost control there for a second."

"That's okay."

It was so not okay. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I'd touched her ass and kind of touched her tits. The side still counted, didn't it? It did now, regardless. I fucking groped her and tried to take her shirt off. Dammit, I had to be more careful. Like Leah said, if I fucked this up, I wouldn't get another chance.

"Thanks, but I should probably go."

Her brow furrowed and she pouted just a tiny bit. It was so cute. She took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay." She looked down and picked at her fingernails again.

"I have to help Leah with something tomorrow, but maybe I can come by after? Or after work on Wednesday?" I ran my fingers through her hair and admired the curls.

She nodded again. "Sure." She didn't look up. Instead, she turned from me and took a few steps away. She was obviously upset about something, and I wondered if what happened had scared her. I moved closer and put my hand on her shoulder.

"You okay, Ness?"

She still didn't look up at me. She nodded, but I wasn't convinced. I made her look up at me, and the tears in her eyes felt like a swift kick in the gut.

"Nessie, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to let things get so out of control. I promise it won't happen again." I prayed she knew I meant it. Instead of calming down, it seemed like I'd made it worse. Two tears fell down her cheeks, and she sniffled.

She moved away from me again and shook her head. "It's okay, Jake. I'm fine."

Goddammit! "You're not fine, Nessie. You're crying, for God's sake. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry." I wanted to be over all this bullshit. If I'd upset her, I wanted to talk to me and tell me how badly I'd fucked up, then tell me how to fix it.

She looked up at me. "Please don't be sorry." Her voice and eyes were pleading. I wanted to give her what she was asking for, but how could I not be sorry for that?

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "Nessie, you don't understand―"

"But I do understand." She stepped away from me again and crossed her arms over her stomach like she felt sick. "I understand that I'm not…" her voice broke, and she sniffled again. "I don't have the right kind of body." It was barely a whisper, but I knew I'd heard her right.

I was shocked for a second. How the hell had I made her feel inadequate? Fucking hell, this woman was confusing. "What in the world makes you think that, Ness? Your body is perfect." A part of me realized I was walking into very dangerous territory.

She scoffed. "Right. Then why are you sorry for touching me?"

Another kick in the gut. "I never said I was sorry for touching you." I made her look at me again. "Nessie, I'm not sorry for touching you. I'm sorry for trying to take off your shirt."

She sniffled and stared at me silently for a second. She looked so confused and hurt, and I wished I could take all of it away. She sucked in a shaky breath and licked her lips. "Really?"

I kissed her lips lightly. "Really, Ness. I… Um…" I wasn't sure how to tell her how much I loved her body. "I really think you're very beautiful."

"You're just sorry for lifting my shirt?" Her eyes were hopeful.

I chuckled and kissed her again. "Yes."

"Oh. Okay. In that case, I accept your apology." She smiled and wiped her eyes.

"Thank you. I promise it won't happen again, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay, but the other stuff can happen again, right?"

God, I loved her. "If you're comfortable with it, then yes."

"Good."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "I love you."

She squeezed my waist. "I love you, too. I'm sorry I freaked out."

"Don't be sorry, Ness. Just talk to me if you ever feel like that, okay? If we're going to make this work, we're both going to have to work on that." I could admit I sucked pretty hard when it came to talking about how I felt, especially when I was upset.

She nodded. "I promise I'll try."

That was all I could really ask of her. "Me, too."

She took a deep breath and stood on her toes to kiss me. "Okay. So you'll come see me again either tomorrow or Wednesday right?"

"Yes. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know for sure which. Or both." My hands went to her hips. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to tell her to just come home with me and move in. I decided I would give her a week to get used to us being together, then I would ask her to move in with me. It was fast, but given the situation with her house, I felt it was appropriate.

"Both would be good." She leaned in to rest her forehead on my chest. I held her tightly for a second. "You probably should go home and rest, Jake. You might need it to deal with Leah."

"Yeah, I guess." She looked up at me, and I kissed her again. "Love you."

She smiled brightly. "Love you, too."

I finally left a few minutes later with the thought that I'd see her again the next day.

* * *

A/N: Aw, everything seems to be going so well for them, don't ya think? Thank you for reading!

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	22. Trapped

A/N: No much to say this time. Enjoy the chapter. And I don't own anything.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-One

Trapped

_I don't know how to live trough this hell  
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell  
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core  
Break the ice, I can't take anymore_

- Trapped Under Ice – Metallica

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I stared in the bathroom mirror for a while before I went to bed on Monday. My hair was a mess of stringy, dark copper waves that made my pale skin look sickly. The makeup I'd attempted to wear had started to fade and smudge, and the light brown eye shadow didn't do anything but make my eyes look weird. Instead of enhancing their color, it only made the circles under them seem darker. My eyelashes were clumped together in some spots from the mascara.

I sighed and looked down at my clothes. The purple sweater and jeans I'd worn were comfortable, but they didn't do anything for my figure. Nothing ever would. My whole body was thin and lanky. I had gained a little weight in the few months I'd known Jacob, but it wasn't enough to be very noticeable. I only noticed it because my clothes fit better.

Jacob had said my outfit was fine, but compared to him, I looked terrible. He was dressed so neatly, and the shirt he'd worn would probably star in my dreams that night. There was a part of me that had wanted to rip it open just because the undone buttons at the top were teasing me. There was a good chance I wouldn't see his bare chest again for a long time. Now that we were really together, though, I wanted to. I wanted to be able to touch him the way he'd touched me after dinner.

I shivered with the memory of his hands. His kiss alone had been amazing, but his hands were better. I'd never thought I'd get to feel someone touch me the way he had, and it being Jacob only made it better. I wanted it to go on forever, but I panicked when he lifted my shirt up. As much as I wanted him, the thought of actually being with him like that was a little scary. I hadn't wanted him to stop kissing or touching me; I just wanted to keep my clothes on. My stomach had churned with fear that he regretted what he'd done.

I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts. In the end, I was freaking out over nothing. Like usual. Jake made me promise to work on talking to him, and he'd do the same. It made me feel a little better. I would do my best for Jake.

I finally went to bed close to nine o'clock. I was so tired that I was asleep almost immediately.

When I opened my eyes, I was dreaming. I noticed immediately that things were different. I held the bat in my hands, but the television screen wasn't broken yet. It was like I'd been frozen mid-action. I sniffled and looked around the room. Everything else had already been smashed. It made the TV look odd; out of place.

I dropped the bat before swinging. It hit the floor with a loud clunk and the crunching of glass under it. I waited for her to show up, but she didn't. Minding the broken things all around me, I carefully lifted the TV back up onto the stand. It looked weird. Even in my dreams, I hadn't seen it where it belonged in two years. I took a deep breath and looked around some more.

I stepped carefully through the house, marveling with each movement how it felt to have control over myself. There were no predetermined actions this time. I had my shoes on, but I didn't dare step on anything. The pictures that had hung on the walls were torn, and it hurt that I couldn't see them again. I walked to the kitchen but didn't go in. Dishes and trinkets that my dad had loved were shattered on the floor. I sniffled again and went down the hall.

The new dream was confusing, and a part of me cautioned to be careful. I could find anything around the corner. Even without her, I still wanted to wake up. Nothing was ever happy here.

My dad's door was closed, and I didn't dare go in. I was too afraid of what I'd find. Instead, I went to my left and into the bathroom. There hadn't ever been much of his in the bathroom since he had a master bath in his room. No broken things in here. I sighed and was about to turn around when I noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye.

I turned back to the mirror and gasped. What I saw was me, but so different. I was… pretty. My complexion was flawless, and my hair actually flowed with volume and curls. The color was vibrant bronze. Instead of making my skin seem pale and sickly, it made it glow brighter. My eyes were chocolate brown with no dark circles underneath. The makeup I had on made them look better instead of worse.

I reached up and touched my face, unable to believe that this was me. I wondered briefly if this was how Jacob saw me.

"_Look at yourself_." The dead yet disdainful voice shocked me. I jumped and turned to her, somehow surprised to see her standing right next to me. "_This is what you've become. A filthy, painted whore_."

I shook my head and glanced back at the mirror. "_But I'm pretty_."

She grabbed my hair harshly and made me look at her. I tried to pull away from her, but it only made her tug hard. I whimpered and reached out for anything to steady myself with. I grabbed her arm and cringed at the feel of her cold, clammy skin. She leaned in close to me with a sneer on her cracked lips. Her white eyes seemed to stare right through me, and her breath smelled like rotting flesh. "_Don't you remember what you did to your own father_?"

I tried to nod. "_Of course I remember_." Somehow, I thought of Jacob. He had said it wasn't my fault. It was, though.

"_If you hadn't been so selfish, you could have saved his life. It's your fault!_" She tugged my hair again, forcing me to look up. "_You're being selfish again, stupid bitch. He was everything to you, and yet he's so easily replaced? Did you even love him at all?_"

I put my hands down immediately, guarding my wrists from her. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and prayed I could just wake up. When I opened them, she was raising the pocket knife with her free hand. She smiled wickedly and jerked my head back again. Suddenly I understood. Before I could reach up and try to protect myself, the knife was jammed to the hilt into my throat.

I sat up in bed gasping for air. My whole body was shaking and sweaty. As hard as I tried to suck in air, it felt like I was choking. I leaned forward and held my throat with my hands as I tried to breathe. I could still feel the cold of the blade and the warmth of blood flowing down the inside. I squeezed my eyes shut and reminded myself that it was all a dream. It wasn't real. I was fine. I forced my lungs to work and took a deep breath.

The words from my dream echoed around in my head. Was I replacing my dad by falling in love with Jacob? It didn't feel like that. Memories of him didn't hurt me as bad as they had before, though. I could think and talk about my dad without losing complete control of myself. I still cried over him, and some things were still hard to think or say, but I hadn't actually broken down in almost two weeks. A part of me felt like this meant I was healing, but another part was suddenly terrified that somehow, Jake was replacing my dad. Was it possible that someday I could forget about him? The thought chilled me.

I finally got out of bed and turned on my lamp. I squinted against the light and looked at the clock. Two o'clock in the morning. I sighed and got up to get a drink.

I didn't want to go back to bed. The new dream was so much worse than normal. As I sipped my water, I tried to tell myself that the tightness in my throat was just my imagination. I turned the light on in the living room and sat down on the couch. I would prove to her as well as myself that I wasn't going to forget my dad. I pulled my legs under me and thought about him. I remembered his smile, his hugs, and the way he'd kiss me goodnight. I remembered his somber moments when he'd think of my mother. He never told me, but I knew he missed her a lot.

Tears slipped silently from my eyes as I forced myself to think about him. The way he'd roll the sleeves of his dress shirts halfway up his forearm, and the way he tied his shoes.

At some point, I fell back to sleep on the couch. I woke up half-sitting, half-slouched over the arm. I sat up and stretched, ignoring the pain in my shoulder that always happened when I slept on the couch. It would go away soon. I got up and went to the kitchen to pour my water down the drain and find something to eat. The clock on the microwave said it was ten o'clock. A much more reasonable time to be up.

After breakfast, I got dressed and tried to prepare myself to get my last check. The day before when I'd gone to work, Kelly had acted like she'd known I couldn't get a note. I had done my very best to just ignore her, but since she was the one I had to deal with, it was a little difficult. I had to sign a paper saying I knew I was terminated, clean out my desk, and leave. I'd been thankful that I'd never put much at my desk.

Once I was dressed, I told myself I was just going to go down there, get my check, and leave. Nothing more. I grabbed my key off the coffee table and left.

I didn't have my badge anymore to get past the secretary, so I waited for a few minutes while she was on the phone. The girl was not the same secretary that had been there when I'd first been hired. This girl was heavyset with blonde hair and, from what I could see, blue eyes. She smiled sweetly as she told the caller to have a good day. After she hung up, she turned to me.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

I stepped up to the desk. "My name is Renesmee Masen. I worked here until yesterday, and Kelly told me I could get my last check today."

She cooed and her eyes widened with a concerned expression. "I'm so sorry to hear that you won't be with us any longer. Let me look that up for you and see what we can do. Could you spell your name please?"

I spelled my name for her and waited while she typed everything in. After a minute, she turned back to me. "Go ahead have a seat; Mr. Brock will be out in a moment with that check for you."

I nodded and sat down in one of the leather seats. It still squeaked under me like it had three months before. The phone rang, and I listened impassively to the receptionist's end of the conversation. By the time she hung up, twenty minutes had passed, and I started to get antsy. I'd been sitting in the sunlight thinking it would only be a few minutes. I stood up and walked to the desk.

"Excuse me; do you think it will be very much longer?"

"I'm not sure. I'll check for you." She turned back to the computer and typed. She pursed her lips. "He's just about to head into a meeting. It could be another half hour or so."

I sighed. "I'm sorry, I can't wait that long. How long will he be here tonight?"

She clicked on the mouse a few times. "He'll be here until five."

"Great, thank you." Without another word, I walked out. I had to get back home. As I walked, I wondered why Chris couldn't have brought me the check before his meeting. I'd been sitting there for twenty minutes. I was frustrated; I just wanted my check and to be done with them.

By the time I got home, my skin had started to itch. I put on some aloe gel and sighed to myself. It was eleven thirty, and I had until five if I wanted to get my check today. I went to the kitchen to find something to snack on, then sat on the couch to read my library book for a few hours.

At four o'clock, the phone rang. I furrowed my brow and got up to answer it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Ness. How are you?"

I smiled brightly. "Hi, Jake. I'm okay. You?"

"Good. Leah's releasing me early, so I thought I'd come by. Just wanted to make sure you were home first."

"Yeah, I am, and I'd love that." I really hoped we'd kiss again the way we had after our date.

"Great, see you in a few."

We hung up, and I was too excited to sit back down and read again. I put the book on the bookshelf and went into the bathroom to make sure I looked okay. I couldn't be sure if it was the dream I'd had the night before or the euphoria dancing through me, but when I fidgeted with my hair in the mirror, I thought there might be something worth looking at. I swallowed as the dream came back to mind. I wasn't replacing him. I was just… adding Jake. That was possible, right?

Jake arrived fifteen minutes later. I let him in and had to control my joy when he leaned down to kiss me.

"How are you?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Same as I was fifteen minutes ago." I smiled.

He chuckled. "Good. Me, too. Did you get your check today?"

I sighed and shook my head. "No. I went down there and the lady at the desk said Chris would bring it to me, but I waited for almost a half an hour before he started a meeting and said it would be another half hour."

He furrowed his brow. "Couldn't someone else bring it out for you?"

I hadn't thought of that. "I, um… I don't really know." I looked down, and for some reason my cheeks burned.

Jacob rubbed my back. "Don't worry about it, Ness. Were you going to go down there later or wait for tomorrow?"

"He'll be there until five o'clock, so I was thinking about going back down today. I don't have to, though. I'd rather spend time with you."

He smiled and kissed me. "I can go with you. They should know someone else could give it to you; you shouldn't have to ask for that. If you let them get away with it, they'll keep fucking with you. Trust me on that."

Somehow, the thought of Jake going with me and scaring them into giving up my check made me very happy. I nodded. "Okay."

He glanced at his watch. "Why don't we go now, and then we can pick up something for dinner on the way back?"

I nodded again, but the part of me that wanted to cook for him hadn't gone away. The need to make something wasn't as bad now that he wasn't coming home to me after work, but I still wanted to do it. My first reaction was to just agree with what he'd said, but I remembered what he'd said last night. He had made me promise to talk to him, and I really wanted to keep that promise. I pursed my lips and studied my fingertips for a second.

"You okay?" He put his hand on my shoulder.

I looked up at him and met his eyes. "Yeah…" I licked my lips, nervous that he would really hate the idea.

"What is it?" He leaned a little closer and his hand moved to my back.

"I just kind of thought maybe I… we… could make something? Cook dinner? I mean, if you don't want to, then I could just do it. I'm not the best, I know, but I kind of want to… I don't know." I shut my mouth and stared at my fingers again.

"You want to cook for me?"

I didn't look up as I nodded. He pulled me into a hug and kissed my head. "I would like that a lot. And I'd be happy to help if you want me to."

Cooking with him was so much better. I met his eyes again and smiled. "That sounds great."

"All right; let's go." He kissed me and took my hand.

I walked into the building with Jake and smiled at the receptionist. She smiled at Jake and didn't look at me once.

"Hello, Sir. How can I help you today?" I could have imagined the way she flipped her hair and licked her lips.

Jake put his hand on my back and pushed me forward a little. "This is Renesmee Masen. She came in earlier to get her last check, but Mr. Brock was not available. Is he out of his meeting?"

She glanced at me for a second before she turned to the computer. "He is out of the morning meeting, but he's busy with an employee right now."

Jake nodded. "How long will he be?"

She typed again and waited. "He says it could be anywhere from ten to thirty minutes."

As much as I wanted my check, I didn't think it was going to happen today. Instead of leaving, though, Jake stepped closer and leaned down to rest his palm on the desk.

"What's your name?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes I didn't understand.

She blushed, and I swear she adjusted her shirt. "Amanda."

"Amanda, could you do me a favor and see if there is anyone else available to bring the check out? I would appreciate it very much." He smiled the half-smile that had always made my gut flutter.

I furrowed my brow and looked at him, annoyed. Was he flirting with her? And if he was, what did that mean? He was supposed to love me.

Amanda smiled and sat up straighter. "I'll check."

Jake didn't move back from the desk, and he didn't look back at me. I was really starting to regret saying he could come with me. As I watched Amanda type at the computer, I started to notice how pretty she was. Her blonde hair fell just past her shoulders, and her blue eyes were dark and piercing. She was curvy, and as much as I didn't want to notice, her breasts were huge. I glanced down at myself and sighed.

Jake glanced back at me and smiled. I tried to smile back. His brow furrowed, but before he could say anything, Amanda turned back to him.

"Mr. Brock says he's too busy to check. I'm sorry." She smiled, clearly not sorry at all.

Jake sighed, obviously irritated. "Look, she was told she could pick up her check today. If Chris can't bring it out, then someone else can. If that really isn't possible, then let her go back and get it."

Amanda's smile dropped and she turned back to the computer quickly. Jake stepped back from the desk and took my hand.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, too nervous to say anything here in front of the other woman. I met his eyes, and his were dark. I didn't like thinking that I was breaking my promise. I really did want to tell him, just not here. "Can we talk about after we leave?"

His jaw flexed, but he seemed to calm down a little. "Sure."

"Sir? Kelly said she could bring it out."

Jake nodded and went back to Amanda. "Thank you. Is she coming now?"

Before she could say anything back, the door on the other side of her opened and Kelly stepped out. She smiled stiffly and held out an envelope. "Here you go."

I took it and nodded. "Thanks."

"Sure." She turned back around and left.

Jake nodded at the receptionist. "Thanks for your help."

Amanda smiled, and we left. As soon as we were in the car, Jake took a deep breath and grabbed my hand. "What's wrong?"

I licked my lips. I didn't even know how to ask my question. "Was she… I mean, did you think she was attractive?" I asked.

"Who? The receptionist?" I could only nod. "I don't know. Why?"

I didn't like that answer. "What do you mean you don't know? Did you like her or not?"

He sighed. "I guess she was kind of pretty. Why are you asking?"

I stared at his fingers holding mine and told myself it was nothing. It was always nothing. Just my stupid fears getting the better of me. "You were flirting with her." Thinking about it made my heart hurt.

He surprised me with his laugh. I looked up at him, not sure what to think about his reaction. "Nessie, I was trying to get her to find someone else to get the check for you. She looked at me the way you do sometimes, and I figured I'd use that. I'm sorry if it upset you."

I took a deep breath and smiled at him. "So you don't like her?"

He leaned over and kissed me. "She was nice and all, but I love you."

I was definitely happy with that answer. "Thank you."

He kissed me again and started the car. "Thank you for telling me what was wrong."

We went to the store and got stuff to make spaghetti. I was able to pay by cashing my check and letting them take what we owed. Jake didn't argue with me, although I could see in his face that he wanted to. After the store, we went back to my house and got everything ready to start cooking.

"You want the noodles or the sauce?" he asked.

"I should probably stick to the noodles, but could you show me how you do the sauce?"

He smiled and kissed me. "Of course."

Luckily for me, it wasn't a complicated process. I watched Jake as he browned the meat. Watching him in front of the stove was exciting.

"Don't forget your noodles, Ness."

I smiled sheepishly and grabbed the fork to stir. After the meat was browned and drained, Jake poured the sauce in. It looked so easy. The noodles were done when the sauce started to boil. I had always been nervous straining boiling water. The steam alone hurt my hands. I got the colander out and hesitated when I went to tip the pan. Jake kissed my head and took them from me.

"I'll do this, you stir the meat."

I smiled gratefully and went to do as he said. Once the spaghetti was strained and the sauce had boiled for a few minutes, it was time to eat. We made our plates and took them to the living room.

"We make a pretty good team, don't we?" he said.

I was impressed with our work; it was really good. I nodded. "Yes, we do."

When we were finished eating, we took our plates to the kitchen and started to clean up. Jake washed the plates while I searched for something to put the leftovers in. I crouched down to look in the cupboard and found a plastic bowl. As I pulled it out, something caught my eye. Inside the bowl was a huge, furry spider. It was easily larger than my fist. The movement must have startled it, because it jerked up, one of its legs moving like a flash to the side of the bowl. I screamed and dropped it, panic ripping through me as I tried to scramble away.

"What the hell? Nessie, are you okay?" Jake lifted me off the floor. I grabbed him tightly and wrapped my feet around his leg. I didn't dare touch the ground in case the thing was waiting for me. I was only marginally relieved to find the bowl upside down on the tile, trapping the spider inside. My heart was still beating a hundred miles an hour, and I had tears in my eyes. I just pointed down at the bowl. Jake looked, and I felt him relax considerably. "Afraid of spiders?"

I could only nod. I sniffled and hid my face in his neck. He patted my back for a second before he put me down. "Don't worry, Ness. I'll get rid of it."

I wiped my face and went to the living room. I didn't dare stay in that room when he did whatever he was going to do to get rid of it. I got up on the couch, my feet tucked safely under me, and took deep, calming breaths. A few minutes later, Jake walked through the room with the bowl upside down on a plate. I could see the thing through the bowl, staring at me. I shuddered. Jake went outside, and I realized he was going to set it free. My dad had always done the same thing, saying that it wasn't right to kill something just because I was afraid of it.

A different kind of panic twisted my stomach. Jake had saved me twice today; once with my check and once with the spider. My dad had always been the one to save me. He was the one to make everything right. A tiny part of me argued that just because Jake was there now didn't mean he was replacing anyone. But I knew better. Everything that had happened with my dad was fading. Once upon a time, I had wanted so badly to live a semi-normal day and not cry over every little memory. Now that I had something like that, I wished I could go back. Even as I wished it, though, I knew I could never give up Jake.

I was so confused. I still loved my dad. Every memory that I had of him was still cherished. Couldn't that be enough? Did I really have to break down and dream of suicide to keep him close to me?

"It's gone, Ness. Damn, that thing was huge." Jake shut the door behind him and sat beside me. "You okay?"

I nodded and wiped my face. "Thank you." I couldn't explain this urge inside me to just cry. It wasn't because the memories were choking me. I wanted to curl up on Jake and have him hold me close. A part of me warned that it wasn't a good idea. It would only make my dad fade that much more.

"What's wrong?" Jake made me look at him and leaned closer to me. "Ness, are you okay?"

I wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't nod, because I knew he'd see through me. After a moment, I shook my head. Without waiting for him, I climbed onto his lap. His arms held me tightly as I shoved my face into his chest. I didn't even have time to warn him before the tears started. I gripped his shirt and thought about my dad. Jake rubbed my back and made soothing sounds that didn't do anything but make it hurt worse.

I needed Jake. I couldn't even think about what I would do if I didn't have him anymore. But my dad was important, too.

"Are you okay?" Jake asked when I started to calm down. I nodded. "What happened?"

I wasn't even sure where to begin. I took a deep breath and leaned back to meet his eyes. I wiped my face and sighed. "It's kind of complicated."

He raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Nothing new about complicated."

I laughed. "I guess that's true. I don't know, Jake. My dad… he was always the one to get rid of spiders for me. He took them outside instead of squishing them, too. He was always the one who saved me when I needed help. Now he can't, and you're here, and I… I mean, I'm so thankful to you. I'm so happy that you help, but… I don't know."

He nodded and pulled me close again. I rested my head on his shoulder for a minute and picked around the wet spot I'd left on his shirt. It wasn't big. I doubted it was enough for him to take his shirt off again, but I wished it was.

"Nessie? Can I ask you something?" He kissed my head.

I looked up at him. "Yeah."

"Have you ever thought about… um." He stopped and pursed his lips. His brow furrowed. "Have you ever thought about talking to someone?"

"What do you mean?" I talked to him all the time.

"Well, I'm really glad you talk to me about your dad and stuff. I don't want that to stop; I want you to come to me any time you need to talk or cry or whatever. I'm always here for you. But I wondered if you've ever thought about talking to a psychiatrist or something."

I stared blankly at him for a second. My first thought was to be offended. Did Jake think I was crazy? As I thought about it more, I knew that would only hurt him. He'd been to a psychiatrist before, and they'd helped him. Maybe he thought someone with a degree could help me.

"I hadn't thought about it. Do you think I should?" I swallowed, nervous to hear his answer.

He took a deep breath and sat up straighter. Even though I was looking at him, his fingers went under my chin. "I do think you should, but I want you to know it's only because I don't like to see you hurting. I think you would be a lot happier if you were able to get some help with your breakdowns."

The thought that a therapist could potentially help me was wonderful and scary at the same time. "Do you think… um, would they be able to make the guilt go away?"

He sighed. "I don't know, Ness. I do know it wasn't your fault, and maybe they could help you to believe that."

I sniffled. "I mean, would they help me stop feeling so guilty for you?"

He leaned back and furrowed his brow. "What do you mean guilty for me?"

I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "I love you so much, Jake, but my dad was the one that always did things for me. Thinking about him doesn't hurt so badly anymore, and that scares me. I feel guilty because I think about you more than I think about him."

He cleared his throat. "There's no reason to feel guilty, Ness. I love you, too, and that's just part of the healing process. If you see a therapist, maybe they could help you get past that and be okay with having me here."

My gut churned. "I am okay with you here. I really love having you here—"

"I know. That's not what I meant. I just meant maybe if they could help you grieve better, you wouldn't feel guilty about loving me."

"I love you, Jake."

He smiled. "I love you, too." He kissed me. "Will you consider seeing someone?"

For him, I would. I nodded. "Yes, but how? Do I just call someone?"

"No. It's never that easy. I'll get some references from my doctor's office tomorrow, and we can go from there. Thank you for doing this, Ness. I really just want you to be happy." He squeezed my waist and kissed me again.

I wanted to tell him I _was_ happy, but I knew that wasn't what he meant. I kissed him back and opened my mouth. My stomach fluttered when I tasted his tongue on mine. My hands moved up around his neck, and I sat up straighter to get closer to him. He rubbed my back, sliding down to my hips and back up.

As we kissed, his hands got braver. He moved down to my jeans and lightly squeezed my backside. The kiss became wilder, and I pushed myself closer. My fingers gripped his hair as his slipped up my side and cupped my breast. My body tensed for a moment. As much as I loved the touch, it was new and a little scary.

Jake broke the kiss and met my eyes without moving his hand. "Is this okay?" he asked. His fingers squeezed lightly, and my whole body shivered. The fear went away, and I nodded, eager for him to continue. He leaned close and kissed my jaw, his lips still wet from mine. I licked my lips and tilted my head. As he kissed me down my throat, his hand slid roughly down my side and back up. I gasped when he moved his thumb over my nipple.

His lips moved slowly back up, each kiss a new rush of heat. He kissed me just below my ear and squeezed my breast at the same time. I had never known anything could feel so good. He moved back to my lips, and I kissed him with more passion than I thought I had.

His hands moved back to my hips and pulled me closer to him. He groaned when I felt his belt poking me the way it had the day before. It occurred to me then that he was wearing jeans. He didn't wear a belt with jeans. I pushed my hips against it, and Jake's hands gripped me tighter. His body pushed up into mine with another groan, and understanding hit me. I gasped and pulled away from the kiss. Oh, my God. I moved back on his lap so I was closer to his knees.

Jake took a deep breath and rubbed my hips with his thumbs. "You okay?" he asked.

I wasn't sure what to say. Jake was… aroused. By me. He was thinking about sex. With _me_.

My body had never throbbed so hard before. I knew the basics, and a part of me wanted to take him to my bedroom. At the same time, the thought of doing that frightened me. I wanted to be with Jake, but there were so many things to think about. I didn't have any condoms, and I doubted he did either. The one time my dad had talked to me about sex, he'd said that I needed to be on birth control as well. On top of all that, I wasn't sure if I was really ready yet.

"Nessie?" He leaned forward and kissed my head. "What's the matter?"

I licked my lips. "I'm sorry, Jake. I felt, um… I…" I didn't even know how to explain it.

He nodded, though, and kissed me. "You don't need to be sorry, Nessie. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, though."

I was so glad he understood. "It just surprised me. And I don't think I'm ready for… you know, um… I mean, it's—"

"It's okay, Ness. I promise it's okay. Just because I want you doesn't mean it has to be right now."

I breathed a sigh of relief and kissed him again. "Thank you."

He smiled, and I leaned down to rest my head on his shoulder. "I love you," he said softly.

I kissed his neck. "I love you, too." He raised his chin a little, and I kissed him again. His hands were rough as they pulled me closer and squeezed my hip. I felt… it again. I hesitated for a second before I kissed him higher on his neck, closer to his ear like how he'd kissed me. He grunted, and I was curious to see how he'd react if I took it a step further. I opened my mouth and licked him under his ear. He gasped and held my hips almost too tight as he shifted into me.

"Jesus Christ, Nessie." He looked down and kissed my lips roughly. "I love you."

I smiled and felt a little triumphant that I could do that to him. "I love you, too. I think we should probably stop, though."

He nodded. "I agree. I don't want to leave yet, Ness, but I think I have to." He moved me off his lap and leaned forward. Every part of him looked rigid the way it had on my birthday when seemed like he was eager to get away from me. Had he been aroused then? I thought about the lingerie and blushed. Maybe I would actually have a reason to use it someday.

"You should go get some rest, Jake." I stood up to let him know it was okay with me if he ran away. I felt better knowing why he was leaving, rather than fearing it was because he didn't want to be around me anymore.

He stood next to me and took my hand. "You, too. I'll have to get those references after work tomorrow, and I'll check some of them out if I can. I'll call you Thursday after work, okay?"

I nodded and stood on my toes to kiss him. "Okay."

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading :)

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	23. Count on Me

A/N: OMG, OMG, OMG! Is this really happening? Yes, it is! I'm really updating! Woohoo!

Oh, there is so much to tell. First of all, my sincerest apologies to everyone who has been reading this story and waiting for an update. I moved states rather unexpectedly, and it's taken me a while to get back into the swing of things. Sadly, I cannot guarantee an update every day or every other day as before, but I am going to do my damndest to get one to you at least once a week.

Second, there are some things coming up that are not exactly the most realistic things in the world. I know this. I made them this way on purpose, because the more realistic way just seemed way too damn hard to write, and took a lot away from the story. I didn't want to make Nessie go through the hassle of getting insurance, so I did it this way. Aside from the insurance thing, and possibly the getting-Ness-an-appointment thing, I've done my best to make it realistic. Feel free to tell me how off-base I am. Just keep in mind that it won't change anything :)

Third, this chapter is mostly filler with a little substance to it. We will be getting to better stuff in the next few chapters. It is not my favorite chapter in the story, let's put it that way. You can tell me if it sucks.

Fourth, a warning. I've used some fancy words in this chapter as Jake does his research. I hope this doesn't throw anyone off. I was going based off of what I found when I did similar research. At this point, neither Jake nor Ness really know what exactly it is she's going through. I know a lot of you already know. Jake's thoughts are pretty much what I thought as I started doing research for this story over two years ago. So much has been learned since then.

And, lastly, I still own nothing. I'd throw a fit if I thought it would do any good.

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Two

Count on Me

_You'll always have my shoulder when you cry  
I'll never let go, never say goodbye  
You can count on me like one, two, three, I'll be there_

- Count on Me – Bruno Mars

* * *

_**Jacob**_

"She really said yes?" Leah asked on Wednesday at work. She seemed shocked, just like I was. I honestly hadn't expected Ness to give in as easily as she had. I had a suspicion that what Ness knew about me and therapists had a hand in it, though. I was pretty damn relieved I'd never actually told her about Dr. Shitface and the reason I only stayed with her the required time.

"She really said yes. So I gotta drop by Dr. Bailey's office after work tonight and pick up some references. And don't even ask, because I'm only getting them for her." I gave Leah a stern look.

She shrugged. "One day, Jake."

I rolled my eyes. Yeah, one day she'd get it that I wasn't going.

They day went by slowly and quickly at the same time. Slowly because I really just wanted to get the hell out of there, get the references, and decide which one I should convince Nessie to see. Quickly because work always went by quickly when I was working with my hands.

Leah surprised me by not bringing up therapy again. I half-ass expected her to bug me about it all damn day long. At the end of the day, however, we packed up our things, put them away, and she turned to me just before we parted ways.

"I really wish you'd reconsider," she said. She put her hand on my arm, and I raised an eyebrow. I knew she was only being sweet because she'd figured out that being bitchy persistent wasn't going to get her anywhere.

"Not happening. See you later." I hugged her quickly and left.

I'd called Dr. Bailey's office on my lunch to let them know I needed the references, so thankfully all I needed to do was stop at the receptionist's desk to pick them up. I had a list of twenty names. I took them home and got online to look them up.

I had no idea what kind of insurance—if any—Nessie had. I figured even if she didn't have any, it wouldn't be too hard for her to get on some kind of state assistance for the therapy. I wished I could just put her on mine, but that couldn't happen unless she was a dependent or my wife. I would just ask her about it the next time I saw her and go from there.

I started looking through each of the names and crossed off any that weren't labeled as psychologist. I didn't want Nessie going to see a councilor or a work or family therapist. Dr. Shitface had been labeled a councilor, and although didn't know if that's where her incompetence came from, I wasn't going to let Nessie go through the same thing. She needed someone who knew what the fuck they were doing. When I'd crossed off all the names that weren't a psychologist, I had four names left.

The first website I pulled up was Dr. West. She had a straightforward page talking about her practice and dedication to her patients. I went through the page, clicking on each of the links on the sidebar. She addressed a ton of issues, from family and work to anxiety and depression. She specialized in depression with a behavioral activation therapy approach. I made a note to look up more about that.

Dr. May had almost the same identical layout to his website as Dr. West had. The information was a little different, only changed to suit his background and practice. He was big on cognitive behavioral therapy and specialized in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety.

Dr. Furst had a complicated website that took me forever to navigate. I wasn't sure I liked that. Not to mention I had no idea what the hell psychodynamic psychotherapy was. Just the words kind of scared me. He specialized in anxiety and fears, depression, and grief. Despite the other crap, my interest was piqued; I made a special note to check out more on him.

Dr. Burke had an overly simple site that spelled everything out very well. He did psychoanalytical therapy with an emphasis on family issues, depression, and anger management. I knew from the time I did with Dr. Shitface that psychoanalytical just meant people sat and talked to him like traditional therapy. "How does that make you feel" and all that shit.

By the time I was done researching the therapists, it was almost seven thirty. I wanted to know which one would be best for Nessie, but just the issues they dealt with didn't give me much to go on. I realized then that I didn't even know what she needed to be treated for. Your standard depression and grief didn't seem to cover it. I went to Google and typed in 'emotional breakdown.'

Most of what came up talked about the signs of a nervous or mental breakdown, and how to decide if that's what someone was going through. I already knew what it was, I didn't need that shit. Frustrated, I started looking up the different types of therapy. Behavioral activation was often linked with depression and changing behavior patterns. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. If it was just depression, she wouldn't break down like that. Would she?

Then again, how much did I really know about depression? I knew a fuck of a lot about being bipolar, but that wasn't depression. It still didn't seem like her.

Cognitive behavioral was often linked with depression as well, but I found a few links talking about post-traumatic stress disorder. Curious, I looked that up. Everything I read talked about plane crashes, rapes, and car accidents. She hadn't gone through any of those.

Aggravated, I closed the browsers and decided to just give her what I had and let her choose where she wanted to go. I printed what I'd found on each of the doctors and made a few extra notes about what I'd found on the types of therapy and put everything up.

I got up and made a sandwich before I checked the time again. It was past nine, too late to call Nessie. Damn. I sighed and started to get ready for bed after I ate.

* * *

Thursday after work, I took my research and went to see Nessie. She was beautiful as always in a light blue sweater and the sexy gray pajama pants I loved so much. She blushed when she noticed me looking her over.

"I figured since I wasn't going anywhere, I might as well be comfortable." She shrugged as she gestured to her outfit.

"Don't worry about it, Ness. You know I think you're beautiful."

She just nodded, but didn't comment. I couldn't be sure if she believed me or not, but I didn't push it. All in good time.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I could eat, I guess. You?" I put the papers I'd brought on the coffee table and followed her to the kitchen.

"Yeah, kind of. I haven't decided what I want. Pizza kind of sounds good, though. With ranch dressing."

I chuckled. "Order pizza then."

She looked up at me and hesitated. "Do you want some?"

"Sure." It did kind of sound good. Except for the ranch part.

She smiled, but seemed to remember something that took it away. "I don't have a phone book."

I took my phone out of my pocket. "I can find the number, don't worry. Who do you want to order from?"

She smiled again. "It doesn't matter; whichever one you like."

I nodded and went with Pizza Hut. "What do you want on it?" I asked as I hit the button to call.

She pursed her lips. "I don't know."

"Supreme sound okay?"

She nodded, but looked down at her fingers. She started picking at non-existent hangnails, and I knew something was bothering her.

"Are you all right?" I asked. She nodded again, and I clenched my jaw. The line on the other end was picked up just as I ended the call and slid the phone back in my pocket. "Ness, what's wrong?"

She took a deep breath and looked up at me. "It's nothing, Jake. I promise."

She tried to turn from me, but I caught her hand and made her look up at me. "You also promised you'd talk to me if something was bothering you. Please tell me."

Her brow furrowed, and she licked her lips. "Okay, but it's really stupid. I don't even know why it's bothering me."

"That doesn't matter. Just tell me."

She sighed again. "I kind of wanted to be the one to call them." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I told you it was stupid."

I smiled. "That's not stupid, Ness." She wanted to do it. I couldn't remember one time since I'd known her when she'd wanted to do something like that. At least not so much that it annoyed her when I took over. I loved her more for it, even if it was just a phone call to place an order for dinner. "You can call."

She swallowed and opened her eyes. "You're not upset?"

"Of course not. Why would I be upset?"

She shrugged and stepped into me, so I wrapped my arms around her. She leaned her head on my chest. "I don't know. I don't even know why it bothered me."

"Believe me, I know how that feels. Just because you don't know why you feel something doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel it, though."

She laughed a little. "Are you sure you're not a therapist?"

I chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "I love you."

She nuzzled her face in my chest. "I love you, too."

I kissed her head one more time and pulled back. She took a deep breath as I got my phone out and found the number again. "Here you go." I handed it to her. "Just push call."

She took the phone and stared at it. She just looked at it for a few seconds, and I was about to show her where to push when she handed it back to me.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I can't."

I took it back from her and watched her jaw clench as she squeezed her eyes shut. Aw, shit. I needed to change the subject. I hit the end button and stuffed the phone in my pocket as I thought about anything I could say to get her mind off whatever was dragging her down.

For the first time since I knew to change the subject, I couldn't think of anything. I could bring up the research I'd done, but would that be enough? I prayed it would. I grabbed the papers off the coffee table and reached out to her shoulder.

"I was up for a few hours last night researching therapists for you. I have some pretty good information if you'd like to look it over with me."

She looked up at me, and it was like we were back in the beginning. Her deep pain was there again. I hadn't seen it this bad in a long time. She inhaled deeply and reached out to grab my shirt. I could tell she was fighting it, and it hurt me to see. She thrust herself against me, burying her face in my shirt, as the first sob broke through. I put the papers back down and held her tightly for a second before I took her over to the couch.

She was clinging to me like her only lifeline. It still hurt like hell to see her break down. I wished I could take it all from her and let her be happy. I squeezed my arms around her as she sobbed and gripped my shirt so tightly her knuckles were white. She tried to pull herself even closer to me as she sucked in a ragged, choking breath that shook her whole body, and I kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Ness," I whispered. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay." I wanted to have the right words to make her feel better, but I had no idea what I was doing. I kissed her head again and held her tighter.

When she started to calm down, I rubbed her back and combed my fingers through her hair. It took a while, but eventually she was able to breathe again. Instead of pulling back, she took a deep breath, rested her head on my shoulder where my shirt wasn't soaked, and went almost completely limp.

I kissed her head and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "I love you," I said softly.

She sniffled and nodded. "Me, too." Her voice was hoarse. She took another deep breath and sat up enough to look at me. Her eyes were so clear and beautiful like the first time she'd cried on me. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head and touched her cheek. "Don't be. Can you tell me what happened, though?" Although I knew it was thoughts about her dad that caused it, I didn't really know what had actually triggered it. If it was something I'd done, I needed to make sure I never did it again.

She licked her lips and wiped her face with shaking fingers. "Your phone."

I raised an eyebrow. "My phone?"

She just nodded. I wanted to ask her how the hell my phone made her cry like that, but I couldn't risk another breakdown. Instead, I kissed her forehead. She leaned forward and went limp against me again.

"My dad . . . he had one kind of like it." She sounded so sad. "He always had it on, but I couldn't reach him that night. And then the doctor called and said the house was listed as home. I remember playing that game 'Snake' on it." She lifted her hand to my shoulder, and I felt her fingers scratching lightly against my shirt. "He liked to watch me and make crunching noises anytime the snake ate one of the little apple things. He tried to teach me how to text once, but I never used it enough to really catch on."

She fell silent, sniffling every few seconds. Her fingertips moved slowly to the neckline of my shirt, and I felt her start fidgeting with it. I kept rubbing her back and playing with her hair.

"If you want, sometime in the future, I can show you how."

Her fingers moved higher, lightly tickling my neck just above my shirt. It felt like heaven, but it also reminded me that Nessie was sitting in my lap, so close to me like she had been on Tuesday. Without trying, I remembered the feel of her body as she gently pushed her hip into me and licked me below my ear. It was so wrong to be turned on right now, when she needed me to comfort her. I cleared my throat and kissed her head, taking a deep breath to smell her hair. I ran my fingers through it, thinking of everything I should be doing instead of plotting ways to get her to kiss me like that again.

She stretched up and kissed my neck where her fingers had just been, and my head was fogged again.

"I don't know, Jake. I would love to say yes, but I just don't know." She kissed me again, this time letting her lips linger for a second.

"That's okay," I said. My voice was muffled by her hair. "Just someday, if you want."

She nodded slightly and laid her cheek on my shoulder. "Thank you."

I smiled and looked down at her. "I'm always here for you, Ness."

The corner of her lip rose a tiny bit. "I know."

We were both quiet for a few minutes. She had stopped fidgeting and was completely still. I considered bringing up the therapy options again, but in the end decided to just let her stay quiet as long as she needed. It was a few moments later that I noticed her breathing change. It became deeper and more rhythmic. I looked down at her and smirked to myself. I leaned back and let her sleep for a little bit longer.

I woke her up a half an hour later, at six o'clock. She inhaled sharply and sat up. "Did I fall asleep?" she asked, her eyes droopy.

I smiled and wiped her still-damp cheek. "Yes, you did. But don't worry about it, okay?"

She took a deep breath and licked her lips before she nodded. "Okay."

"Do you still want to call in for the pizza? I can just give you the number and you can use your phone." I combed my fingers through her hair as I spoke.

She looked down for a second before she met my eyes. "I . . . Would you be upset if I asked you to do it?"

I shook my head. After what had just happened, I had a feeling she might not want to anyway. "Of course not."

"Thank you. It's just that I kind of got upset and wanted to, and I couldn't, and I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

My words from the fight we'd had just before I kissed her came back. _Why do you have to be so fucking difficult?_ I prayed she wasn't referring to that. Instead of beating myself up again, though, I hooked my fingers under her chin and made her look at me. "You're not being difficult, Ness. There's a difference between being difficult and trying to deal with everything you're going through. I understand this, okay?"

The corners of her lips rose again, and she nodded slightly. "Okay." She lifted her hand to my cheek, her thumb brushing softly over my lips. "I love you."

I kissed her thumb. "Love you, too."

She leaned in and kissed my lips. It was just a soft kiss, but it tingled everywhere. When she pulled back, she sniffled and wiped her nose.

"I should probably go clean myself up. I ruined your shirt again, too." She didn't seem too worried about it.

I shrugged. "Washable." Like the first time she'd cried on me, though, it was pretty gross. She stared at it for a second before she looked up to meet my eyes. Something in hers said she wouldn't mind if I took it off. I smirked and touched her cheek. "Go clean up, Ness. I'll get the pizza ordered."

She blushed and slipped off my lap. I missed having her there, but it was almost worth it to watch her ass as she walked down the hall to the bathroom. I mentally shook myself and stood up to get my phone. As I placed our order, I tried to ignore the fabric of my shirt clinging to my skin. The harder I tried, though, the more it annoyed the shit out of me. By the time I hung up, I almost didn't care if Nessie would be comfortable or not if I took it off. To hell with it. She didn't mind last time. I took the damn thing off and wiped my chest down. Much better.

Ness came back out a few minutes later all cleaned up and in a new shirt. It was a small white tank top that looked so good on her. She looked over at me, and I swear she smiled when she turned her face to the floor.

"Is this okay?" I asked. I wasn't putting the shirt back on, regardless. I'd go get a new one if it bugged her that bad.

But she nodded. "Yeah, that's fine. Just no scary movies, okay?"

I chuckled. "Deal. Pizza'll be here in about a half an hour, 'kay?" She nodded again and walked up to me. She didn't touch me; she just stood a few inches away and looked up at me. I reached out and touched her cheek. "Are you okay?"

She licked her lips, and her eyes flickered down to my chest. I tried to hide my smile. She looked back up again. "I'm okay now." She took a tiny step forward and leaned into me, putting her head and her hands on me. I kissed her head and wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm glad. While we're waiting for the pizza, do you want to look at these doctors?"

She stood up on her toes and kissed me. "Sure."

We went back to the couch, and I picked up the papers. I went through each one with her, showing her the research I'd done on each doctor's specialties and services. I handed each paper to her after I showed her.

"Which one is best?" she asked.

I took a breath and shrugged. "I honestly don't know, Ness. I think the best thing to do would be to call for their free consultation, see how you like each one, and decide from there. I also wanted to ask you if you have any insurance."

She looked down for a second. "I think so. I mean, I'd been on . . . well, his insurance, and after . . . you know. After it happened, I remember having to sign up for insurance. I think it was from the state."

I nodded. "Do you know if you have an insurance card or a letter from them anywhere?"

She licked her lips and met my eyes. "I don't know. I can check. I put everything in one place, but I've never looked at any of it." She looked a little nervous, like she didn't want to look for it. Considering all the papers and reminders that could be there, I couldn't really blame her. Even I didn't like to think about where I'd put my dad's death certificate and all the crap about his funeral.

"If you want to tell me where it's at, I can look through it."

"I put everything in a suitcase in my closet."

"Okay. It doesn't have to be today, but sometime before you set up an appointment, I'll look through it for you."

She smiled gratefully and leaned her head against my shoulder as she looked over the pages in her hands again. I just let her look through them, reading over information I already knew over her head.

"When should I call for the consultation?" she asked quietly.

"Whenever you want. You can do it tomorrow if you want." I ran my fingers through her hair.

She licked her lips and looked up at me. "Can I do it on Saturday?"

"Not a lot of them will be in the office on Saturday. You can try, but you might have better luck tomorrow or next week."

She nodded and took a deep breath. "I, um . . . could you maybe come over on Tuesday?"

I wasn't sure what she was getting at. "Sure, if you want me to. I have to go to Leah's around two o'clock that day, but I can come here in the morning if you want."

She nodded again and met my eyes. They were still clear and tired from her breakdown, but hesitant and scared as well. "I kind of want you to be there when I call them. Is that okay?"

I smiled and pulled her on to my lap. "Of course that's okay, Ness. I promise I will be with you every step of the way, okay?"

She nuzzled her face against my shoulder. "Okay."

I rubbed her back, a little surprised when I didn't feel her bra. Her tank top was thin; I should have felt it. I made a few more passes, moving slowly to determine if she really was braless. She was. I closed my eyes and kissed the top of her head, praying I could keep myself in line. Even as in control as I thought I wanted to be, I couldn't keep my fingers from running over the middle of her back where her bra would normally clasp. I wanted to somehow get her to kiss me like she did on Tuesday so I could have a half a reason to pull my hand in front of her and grab her tits.

"Does that bother you?" she asked, her voice soft.

I raised an eyebrow and looked down at her. She lifted her head enough to meet my eyes. "Does what bother me?"

She licked her lips and shook her head. "Nothing."

She had to know I wasn't going to let it go. "Not 'nothing.' What?"

She sighed. "You just keep going over that spot. I figured maybe you could feel that I'm not wearing a bra, and I didn't know if it upset you."

I chuckled and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I noticed." I couldn't help but run my fingers over her back again. She blushed. "But it doesn't bother me." Not in a bad way, anyway.

She smiled. "Okay."

I leaned my head down and kissed her lips, softly at first. Her hands slipped up my shoulders to my neck, and she straightened herself to sit higher as she opened her mouth. Fuck, yes. My hands were rougher than I intended as I rubbed her back down to her hips and pulled her closer. She tensed a little bit when she hit my hard-on, but it only lasted a half a second. Then she whimpered, so soft and sweet, and kissed me deeper. I wished to God she would turn her body and straddle me. It couldn't be as comfortable or as good for her when she was sideways on my lap. I was about to suggest it when I was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Nessie jumped and pulled away from the kiss with surprise, confusion, and fear clear on her face. Her whole body had gone rigid, and she turned quickly to stare at the door. I kissed her head and moved her off of me.

"Just the pizza, Ness," I explained. She relaxed quite a bit and looked a little embarrassed. I didn't call attention to it; I just got up and got the pizza. I took the box to the kitchen, and Nessie followed me. She got some plates down and reached into the fridge. I got four pieces for myself, then watched as she picked out two tiny pieces and made a pond of ranch dressing between them. She held up the bottle for me.

"Want some?"

I shook my head. "No thanks."

She smiled and took the bottle with her anyway as we went back to the living room. As we ate, I couldn't keep my eyes off her mouth. After almost every bite, she had ranch dressing on her lips. I watched her carefully lick it off, and a few times I wanted to do it for her. I didn't care that it was ranch and pizza sauce. Mixed with her, it probably wouldn't be half bad.

"Are you sure you don't want some?" she asked as she looked over at me. I blinked and realized I'd been caught staring.

"No, I'm sure. Thanks." I went after my pizza in earnest then. I wanted to get done so I could maybe convince her to sit on me the right way. Even with her tiny pieces and leaving the crusts behind, I finished before her. When she was done, we put everything away and went back to the couch. I sat down, and she licked her lips as she stood in front of me. She was about to sit down sideways like she usually did, but I reached forward and took her hips.

"Come here," I said softly. I pulled her forward, and she furrowed her brow.

"I don't understand," she confessed. She leaned forward and put her hands on my shoulders. Her shirt fell away from her chest, and I did my very best to keep my eyes on hers. It was obvious she wasn't comfortable. I didn't want to push her, but I did want to make sure it wasn't just nerves getting in the way.

"Will you straddle me, Ness?" She swallowed and met my eyes, and I tried not to show my disappointment when I saw how scared she was. "You don't have to."

She was still tense as she lifted herself back up. "I'm sorry, Jake." She sat down beside me and stared at her lap.

I made her look at me, and it hurt my heart to see how sad and embarrassed she looked. "Don't worry about it, Ness. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."

She licked her lips again. "I want to . . . um, you know. I want to kiss you. But I don't know if I'm . . ." She trailed off, her face flaming. I smiled and kissed her lips.

"Don't be embarrassed, please. I would never push you to do something you're not comfortable with."

She smiled a tiny smile and kissed me back. "Thank you."

Kissing her with her beside me wasn't as comfortable as when she was on my lap. I was a little nervous about asking her to sit on me the way she normally did. She turned her body as we deepened the kiss, and it was only a few minutes before she pulled back. Her brow was furrowed, and she looked frustrated.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She nodded, but she didn't look okay. "What's the matter, Ness?"

She sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I do, but it seems weird. You asked me to sit on you, and I . . . I don't know why I'm nervous. But I kind of want to, the way I did before."

I kissed her lips softly. "Then come up here and sit the way you did before."

She met my eyes. "You don't mind?"

I smirked. "Of course I don't mind, Ness. Either way, I get you on my lap. I just thought it would be more comfortable for you the other way." That wasn't entirely true. Sure, it might be more comfortable, but my real reasoning had nothing to do with her comfort. It would be easier to touch every part of her that I wanted to touch. I wasn't sure if I was ashamed of that or not.

She smiled again and slowly, carefully, climbed onto my lap so she was sideways like usual. Her hands slid over my shoulders to my chest, and she glanced up at me nervously through her lashes. "I love you, Jake."

I pulled her a little closer with my hands on her back. "I love you, too."

I kissed her, and her hands moved back up to my neck as she pushed herself higher. She opened her mouth first this time, her tongue darting out to lick my bottom lip. I deepened the kiss. I pulled her closer and leaned back a little, just enjoying the hell out of her body against mine. She shifted her hips against mine, causing me to groan into her mouth. She knew what she was doing to me, but I didn't care. As long as she didn't stop.

I held her tighter and slipped my hand down to grab her ass. She sucked in a quick, surprised breath, and I groaned again at the feel of her in my hand. Her pajama pants made her body much more . . . responsive to my touch. I squeezed her again and pulled her closer at the same time. She pushed her chest against mine and kissed me deeper.

I was close to losing it. I could feel how hard her nipples were through the flimsy material of her shirt, and it took everything in me to keep from pushing her back just so I could taste them. Instead, I tried to satisfy my mad desire by dragging my fingers roughly up her side and grab her. She gasped and moaned, breaking the kiss for a brief second. Shit, she felt so good in my hand. My free hand pulled her hips in as I shifted my own into her.

She kissed me again, her fingers gripping my hair like she'd fall off if she didn't. My fingers moved down to her hip and back up again, a circuit I'd repeated a few times. I loved the way she shivered and moaned into my mouth every time my hand found her tit again. She shifted her hips, but it was different from before. She didn't shift into me, she shifted to my side. Her front, I realized. I wondered . . . I pulled her body closer again as I slid my fingers down her side, closer to her stomach. Although I knew what I was doing, I felt like I was completely separate from myself as I moved my hand in front of her and slipped my hand sideways between her thighs.

Goddammit, she was so fucking warm. She gasped wildly and one hand flew to my wrist. She leaned back and met my eyes, hers wide and terrified. I pulled my hand back and touched her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Ness."

She licked her lips, her breath panting hot and heavy against my face. "No, I'm sorry. I don't know what . . . I was just—"

"No need to explain. It's okay. I shouldn't have done that." I did feel bad for just assuming it was okay. I should know better by now than to assume anything with her. I kissed her lips softly. "Are you okay?"

She licked her lips again and nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. I need to stop." She met my eyes hesitantly.

I kissed her softly again and nodded. "Okay." It was almost physically painful to move her off my lap, but I did it. "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you, too. Do you need to leave?" She sounded disappointed, like she already knew the answer.

I smirked. "I don't want to, Ness. But I really think I should."

"That's okay. I don't want to make things harder for you."

I smirked, but refrained from making an off-handed comment about just how hard she made things. "I'll be fine. What do you want to do this Saturday?"

She shrugged. "Anything."

"How about a second date? Dinner and a movie?"

She smiled. "I'd like that. Could we make dinner again?"

I nodded. "Sure. How about we see what's playing around three, and we can make something after?"

"That sounds perfect."

I kissed her and stood up. "Good. I'll come over at two-thirty, okay?"

She stood up with me and leaned into me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I held her back tightly. "Okay." I kissed the top of her head and got ready to leave.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Oh, and I'd like to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against councilors or other types of therapists. Jacob has his reasons for preferring the title 'psychologist'. It may not be the best logic, but it's what he believes after his own experiences.


	24. Parachute

A/N: This chapter took longer to get done than I wanted it to, and I blame that entirely on Jake and Ness. They both rebelled on me, adding more to this chapter than I'd first planned. I guess I can't be too upset; I do actually like the way it turned out, and there is another lime :)

I own nothing. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty–Three

Parachute

_I don't need a parachute,  
Baby, if I've got you,  
I don't need a parachute.  
You're gonna catch me if I fall._

- Parachute – Ingrid Michaelson

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I woke up early Friday morning after what was quite possibly the most graphic dream I'd ever had about Jacob. In my dream, we were kissing on my couch the way we had the night before, but I didn't get scared when he put his hand between my legs. It felt so real and intense and amazing, and when I woke up, my hand was down my pants.

I was a little surprised. I'd touched myself on occasion before everything went to shit, but it had always been a premeditated thing. I'd never experienced unexpected masturbation. I hesitated for a few minutes. Should I be a good girl and stop, or should I help myself get the release I knew I craved?

I chose the release. As I moved my fingers, I thought about Jacob the night before. He had been so sweet and caring. Even when I knew he would be so much happier if I just got over whatever the hell was bothering me and did what he wanted me to do, he didn't push. I'd been relieved, but annoyed with myself. He found a way around it, though. He found a way to touch me that I could handle, and my God, it was amazing. I hadn't thought about the possibilities of what my pajama bottoms and no bra could bring, but I was certainly happy I'd chosen them. I remembered vividly the warmth of his hand through my shirt.

I whimpered and rubbed faster. I wanted to be able to do things like straddle him and let him touch me between my legs. I wasn't sure why I was scared to do them, but I was going to find a way to get past it for him. I wondered if it was just part of being new to a relationship. I wasn't ready to go all the way with him yet. Even though I'd thought about it a lot before we were actually together, I wanted to get settled as a couple a little more before we did that. But I knew he wouldn't push for it. I knew it because his eyes had been so sincere when he'd said it. I trusted him.

I felt my release building. I saved the best memory for last. The moment Jake put his fingers between my legs, before I got scared. It was the briefest of seconds, but I felt him rub against the sensitive spot I was touching now, and it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I imagined what it would be like to act out my dream. Have him do that again, and instead of making him stop, I'd spread my legs. I'd let him touch me however he wanted, even under my clothing if he chose.

My whole body tightened up for a moment before the release hit. It felt so good I cried out as I grabbed my pillow and arched my back. After the waves ended, I went completely limp. I laid in bed for a while, just enjoying the haze of post-orgasm bliss.

I must have fallen back to sleep, because I woke up again around noon. I furrowed my brow as I looked at the clock. Although I didn't have anything I really _had _to do, I didn't want to start sleeping away the whole day again. I had a reason to be awake now, even if I didn't get to see him today. And, honestly, I did have things I needed to do. I needed to find a new job and somewhere to live.

I sighed to myself as I got out of bed and shuffled down the hall to the kitchen. I didn't want to worry about it. I didn't want to prepare myself for when I lost the house. But I knew if I didn't, Jake would probably all but force me to stay with him. What would be so bad about that, though?

I mentally shook myself. Jake had done so much for me; he didn't need me mooching off of him. But would it really be mooching if I cooked and cleaned?

Another shake. Right; me, cook and clean? The cleaning part I could handle, but cooking? I was so sure Jake wanted to come home to burnt food every night. I sighed to myself and walked out of the room to take a shower and get ready to go to the library.

After I used up my half hour online at the library filling out a few applications and checking out two apartments, I looked around for some new books. Everything I'd read lately had been stale and uninteresting. I wanted something new and fresh. Something exciting. Everything I looked at seemed terrible. I liked a little bit of everything, so I stuck around until I found a science fiction novel about alternate dimensions that looked decent enough. I also browsed through their limited selection of cook books, looking for a simple recipe to make with Jacob the next day. I found an easy-looking recipe for chicken burritos and made a copy to take with me.

I went back home, put the recipe on the counter, and settled myself on the couch to read for a while. The book actually turned out to be pretty good. I hadn't realized how much time had passed until my stomach growled. It was past three o'clock, so I got up and had the leftover pizza for lunch.

I spent the rest of the day reading and just generally milling around. Jacob didn't call when he got off work, but I didn't let myself get upset about it. I'd have almost the whole day with him Saturday anyway.

As I got ready for bed, I realized something. I had gone literally the whole day without a thought about my dad. The day before, I'd broken down for the first time in a long time just because holding Jacob's phone brought up memories so vivid I couldn't breathe. I had been almost relieved when I cried; it had to mean I wasn't really replacing him with Jacob. But then today . . . I felt sick knowing that I'd had the whole day distraction-free, and I hadn't given him a single thought.

The dead me in my dreams was right. My dad was fading; I was forgetting about him. My chest hurt so badly. I curled up on my bed, only half changed into my pajamas, and held my stomach as I tried to keep breathing. I didn't even try to stop the pain, the memories, or the tears. I let them all come freely, hoping that I could somehow backtrack and keep from letting him slip away from me.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. When my tears ran out, I just laid in bed and stared at the wall. Every time I caught myself thinking about Jake or our date the next day, I'd force myself back to my dad. It seemed almost strange to me how some memories brought me back to Jake. It used to be the other way around. Things I did with Jake used to remind me of my dad. Now, as I thought about baking cookies and how every time—without fail—we would always end up with flour on our noses, I found the memory bringing me back to the times I'd cooked with Jake. Like my dad, he was much better in the kitchen than I could ever hope to be.

As I remembered and continually forced my thoughts away from Jake, an errant thought cropped up that brought me up short. I wondered what my dad would have thought about Jake. I'd never considered it before. My first reaction was simple curiosity, but it was followed by gut-wrenching pain. I wanted something that seemed so forbidden I should be reprimanded for even thinking it. How could I want my dad's approval for Jake when I couldn't even get his forgiveness? Shouldn't I want his forgiveness above anything else? It was wrong on so many levels to consider what it would have been like to bring Jake home and introduce them. And yet, even as I told myself it was inappropriate, I still found myself imagining my dad looking over Jake, maybe a little surprised by my choice. He was six years older than me, after all. But, in the end, he'd see how amazing Jake was, and he'd agree that he was everything I could ever hope for. He'd see how kind and patient Jake was and tell me how happy it made him to see me happy.

My stomach curled with a new kind of panic. I still didn't have any tears, and I didn't know how to deal with that. I should be swimming in them by now. I felt like there were two parts of me. One part was okay with these new thoughts and enjoyed the fantasy of Jake and my dad getting know each other. The other part of me was in so much pain over the knowledge that this perfect scenario could never happen. Not only would my dad never know that I'd found someone willing to put up with everything I couldn't do, but Jake would never know the man that had raised me.

As I thought that, I realized just how selfish I was being. Jake had lost his dad, too. I would never meet his dad. He would never know me. I hated myself more than I ever thought possible when I realized that I honestly didn't care as much about that. I wanted to. I wanted to be sad that I would never know the man that had such a huge impact in Jake's life. But no matter how hard I tried to feel that, I just couldn't.

I sucked in shallow, rapid breaths, but I couldn't feel them. I felt like my lungs were collapsing in on themselves. I had to get out of this room―away from these thoughts. My arms and legs were so heavy it was hard to move. Somehow, I managed to get off my bed and stumble down the hall. I wasn't even sure what I was doing, but my fingers were shaking so hard I couldn't hit the numbers on the phone. I couldn't say how I knew which numbers to push or how I pushed them in the right order, but before I knew what was happening, the line was ringing.

"Hey, Ness," I heard Jake say.

His voice hurt me in a way I couldn't understand. I wished he was with me. I wished I could wrap myself up in him. I tried to say something. I needed to say something. How could I just call him and not say anything? I held on to the counter with one hand and prayed the burning in my chest would stop.

"Ness? You okay?"

I opened my mouth, but only a strangled whimper came out. I tried to take a deep breath, but my body refused to cooperate with me. I could only suck in a half a breath before my lungs forced all the air back out.

"What's wrong? Talk to me, Nessie." His voice was urgent, but I still couldn't form any words. Only another choked cry.

"Fuck," he said under his breath, like he was talking to himself. "I'll be there in five minutes."

The line went dead, and I stared at the phone. My heart, already pounding so hard I could feel it in my stomach, sped up. My stomach twisted harder. I didn't know what I wanted. Did I want Jake to come over? I didn't want to be alone.

It felt like only seconds had passed when there was a hard knock at the door. Every part of me seemed to weigh a thousand pounds as I forced myself to walk to the door. My hands were shaking so much it was difficult to turn the handle, but somehow I managed to get it open. I looked up at Jake as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

"What's the matter, Ness? What happened?"

My fingers reached out for his shirt, and I held harder than I thought I should have been able to. I licked my lips and pushed myself into him. God, I couldn't breathe. My body was burning, and I wished I could just take a deep breath and be okay. Jake's arms wrapped around me and held so tightly.

"Come on, baby, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

I shook my head as best as I could. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't even breathe. I gripped his shirt tighter and prayed something would happen to break whatever this was. Jake picked me up and took me to the couch, holding me close on his lap.

"Breathe, Ness. Breathe with me." He took a few even breaths, and I tried hard to match mine to him. He kissed the top of my head, keeping up his steady rhythm. "Calm down and breathe with me, please." He sounded desperate.

I tried. As he took a breath, I forced myself to suck in air. He pushed me back and framed my face with his hands, staring into my eyes. "Look at me, baby. Come on and breathe with me." After a few breaths, he started to slow down, breathing in deeper and steadier. It became a little easier to match him with each passing inhale and exhale. The burning pain in my body gradually faded until I was something like normal again. He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me again, pulling me close.

I still clutched Jake's shirt in my hands, but I rested easier against him. I kissed his neck and took another deep breath.

"What happened, Nessie?" he asked. His voice was still hard.

I looked up at him. "I don't really know, Jake. I was getting ready for bed, and I had a terrible thought. Then all of a sudden I couldn't breathe anymore, and things kept coming up and I started to freak out. I don't remember actually deciding to call you, but thank you for coming over."

He nodded and kissed my lips. "I told you I'm always here for you. What was your terrible thought?" He pushed my hair back from my face and petted it down my back.

"I realized that I hadn't thought about my dad at all today. I went to the library, got a new book, read, and did some other things, but I never thought about him. It scared me."

He kissed me again. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He hugged me tightly, and I rested my head against his shoulder again. We were both quiet for a while as I thought about everything that had happened before I called him. In Jake's embrace, it was somehow easier to think about introducing him to my dad. I wondered briefly what he would have said about what Jake just did. I didn't know what I was interrupting, but Jake dropped whatever it might have been and came to my rescue. Again. That had to count for something in my dad's book, right?

It made me wonder what Jake's dad would have thought of me. I was broken, no doubt about it. Would he try to tell Jake I wasn't any good for him? Would he try to convince his son to find someone better?

I reached up and wrapped my arm around Jake's neck as I leaned up to look at him again. "Jake?"

He met my eyes and kissed my lips. "Yeah?"

"Do you think your dad would have liked me?"

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I do. He would have said you're just what I needed to stay on track and keep out of trouble."

"My dad would have loved you," I heard myself say. "That's something else I thought about earlier. I wish you could have met him." I could see the whole thing play out in my head; it still hurt, but it was somehow more bearable than before.

"Me, too, Ness."

"I really love you." I kissed his neck again.

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "Me, too."

We were quiet for a long time, and I just rested against him and thought about everything that seemed so forbidden. I was tired, but I didn't want Jake to leave yet. A part of me wanted to ask him to stay with me, but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. He'd stayed on my couch after I'd burned myself, but this was different. He rubbed my back gently, making slow circuits from my shoulders to my hips. It felt amazing, even when his fingers would get tangled in my hair.

"Still awake, Ness?" Jake asked a while later.

I smiled to myself and nodded. "Yeah, but I'm really tired."

He nodded and kissed my head. "How are you feeling?"

I leaned back to look at him. "I feel so much better. Thank you."

"Think you can go to sleep?"

I nodded. "Yeah, probably."

He kissed my lips. "Good. I'm going to let you go to bed, but I want you to call me if anything else happens, okay?"

"Okay."

As I climbed off his lap, I realized that I hadn't ever finished getting changed. I'd gotten my tank top on, but no pants. I blushed and took another step back, somehow hoping Jake wouldn't be bothered by me in my panties. It was so much worse than not wearing a bra.

He stood up beside me and kissed my head. "Goodnight, Ness."

I leaned in and hugged him quickly. "Goodnight."

After he left, I went back to my room and got in bed. I didn't bother with my pants. I was more comfortable without them anyway. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind so I could go to sleep.

* * *

I spent Saturday morning in front of the closet deciding what to wear for my date with Jacob. After changing my mind several times, I finally decided on a black spaghetti-strap tank top with a small cowboy boot made of rhinestones on the chest and my dark blue jeans. As I brushed my hair, I smiled at my reflection. All I needed was a cowboy hat. I didn't have one, though, so I settled for leaving my hair free to do what it wanted.

It was one-thirty when I finished getting ready. I sat down on the couch and read for a little bit until Jake showed up. At two-thirty, there was a knock. I got up and opened the door, smiling to myself as my eyes raked over Jacob. He was wearing the black wife beater tank top that I loved and a pair of faded blue jeans. I licked my lips; he looked amazing.

"Hey, Ness," he said as he took a step inside. I moved back and let him in. I wasn't even sure where I wanted to look. His arms were so strong and incredible, but there was something about the way his pants sat low on his hips and his shirt barely met the waistband that had me captivated. I kind of wanted to lift his shirt up a little just to see his stomach.

I was brought out of my thoughts when Jake touched me under my chin and made me look up at him. He was smirking, and I blushed hotly.

"Hi," he said, the smirk getting bigger.

I smiled, although it was more embarrassed than anything, and cleared my throat. "Hi."

He leaned down and kissed my lips. "How are you?"

My gaze flickered back down, and I blushed again when I forced myself to meet his eyes. "Um, I'm good," I said, stopping myself from looking down again. "How . . . um, how are you?"

"I'm fine. I was worried about you last night. Did anything else happen?"

I shook my head and licked my lips. Maybe if I got closer, I wouldn't be so damn tempted to stare at him like he was erotic art. I took a step in and put my hands on his chest. "Nothing else happened. I slept pretty good, actually." As I spoke, I realized that getting closer might have been a bad decision. It was easier to keep my eyes from wandering down, but suddenly my hands realized how easy it would be to slide down and touch that spot on his hips. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it seemed the need in my body doubled when I felt the strong lines of his hips under his shirt. God, I wanted to lift it up and kiss his stomach. Between my legs started to throb like never before.

"Ness?"

I looked up at him, a little surprised to see his eyes darkened. He wasn't angry. It was the same dark look he'd give me when he had to leave after we'd been kissing. He was aroused. Just like me.

"I think we should go find out what's playing if we want to see a movie."

His hands tightened on my waist. I couldn't even say when he had put them there. I knew what he meant; what I was doing was too much for him. I didn't understand why, but I wasn't going to push it. I took a step back and let my eyes flicker down one last time before I nodded and turned to get my key off the coffee table.

Jake gave me a strange look when I turned back to him. He didn't open the door like usual, so I tried to reach around him to do it. He caught my hand and leaned in to kiss me.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

"I'll be fine, I promise. Last night was just―"

He shook his head. "That's not what I meant. You're in a tank top; is your skin going to be okay?"

"Oh." I looked down at my arms and nodded. "I'll be okay as long as I don't stay in the sun too long."

He didn't look very convinced. He pursed his lips and looked at me for a second. "This is important. Don't try to push yourself; if your skin can't handle the sun, are you sure you should be dressing like that?" He gestured to my shirt like it had somehow offended him.

I furrowed my brow. "No, I'll be fine. I won't be in the sun for very long anyway."

He still didn't move. He just squeezed my fingers a little. "Maybe you should get a jacket or something to put over it."

I realized as I glanced down at myself again that he didn't like it. A strange tightening pulled at my chest. For the first time in a long time, I'd actually thought I looked sort of good. Not necessarily beautiful, but decent enough. It hurt in a strange way to know that Jacob didn't think so.

"Don't you think it's a little hot for a jacket?" I asked. I wanted to believe he liked seeing my skin, but the way he stared at my arms with a sort of impatience in his eyes, I knew he didn't. I wasn't even sure why that hurt me so much. He'd seen me blistered and red; it wasn't like I could ask him to forget how ugly that had been.

He sighed. "Please put on a jacket. Or get a different shirt."

My throat tightened as I took my hand back from him and crossed my arms over my stomach. "I, um . . . I can change. I'll be right back."

He just nodded, so I turned and walked down the hall to my bedroom. I couldn't really say why I kept thinking about all the times he'd said I was beautiful, or how he'd touched me the times we'd kissed on my couch. I'd felt his arousal and knew that he was turned on by me. Or, well, I thought he was turned on by me. I didn't really have the proof to say for sure if it was me that caused his erection. I wanted to believe it was.

I pulled a long-sleeved, light blue shirt out of my closet and changed slowly. I set the tank top on my bed and sighed. My chest and throat got tighter, and I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I didn't want to cry over this. I wanted to just accept that Jake didn't like me in tank tops and move on. But it wasn't that easy. I wanted to know why he didn't like it. Was it the shirt itself or how I looked in it? It wasn't like he'd never seen me in tank tops before. He'd even seen me in my panties the night before. He'd used the sun as an excuse to get me to change, but that couldn't be his real reason. We'd be in the movie theater most of the time, and I'd only be in the sun for however long it took us to get from the house to the theater—maybe ten minutes at the most.

I sighed and tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. Whatever his reasoning was, he didn't like it, and I shouldn't push it on him. Once I had the other shirt on, I combed my fingers through my hair and went back out to the living room.

"How's this?" I asked, trying really hard to pull off a convincing smile.

Jake looked over at me and nodded. "Thank you." He took my hand and kissed me. I just smiled again. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." I nodded and told myself to let it go. It didn't matter.

The drive to the theater was quiet. I didn't really know what to say, and Jake didn't start any conversations. So instead of talking, I spent the time trying to push back my dismay. It seemed to backfire, because when Jake parked the car, I was closer to tears than I had been at the house.

"You okay, Ness?"

Crap. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder. Before he could ask me what was wrong, I looked up and nodded. "I'm fine, Jake," I said. I might have put a little too much into it. He met my eyes, and I knew I was caught.

"What's wrong?" His voice was almost disappointed, like he hadn't thought I'd actually say I was fine. I knew I should tell him what was wrong. I should just ask him why the tank top bothered him and get to the bottom of this. But I didn't want to. I was too afraid of what he would say if I asked that question. There were so many things he could hate about it, including the way I looked in it. I didn't want to hear him say he preferred me in clothing that didn't show so much of my skin.

"Would you believe me if I said I was just feeling a little emotional today?" Maybe I could get away with that.

Then again, it was Jake I was trying to convince. He raised an eyebrow and leaned a little closer to me. "Why don't you want to tell me?"

I couldn't get away from him in the car, and he knew it. I closed my eyes again and took a deep, unsteady breath. I was just going to have to tell him and deal with the consequences. When I opened my eyes, my vision was blurred from unshed tears.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. I blinked, and the tears that had built up finally started to fall. "I was surprised at first when you asked me to change, then I kept thinking about why. Why didn't you like that shirt?" I met his eyes, and his brow furrowed. Now that I'd forced myself to ask, I really hoped he didn't stick to the sun issue. I wanted to know, even if it was something I knew I didn't want to hear.

"I did like it, Ness. I just didn't want you to get hurt." His thumb brushed along my shoulder, and for the first time ever, I wanted him to stop touching me. I leaned away from him, but either he didn't notice or didn't think I was trying to get away. I put my hand on his forearm and pushed him back.

"That's not fair, Jake," I said, trying to sound angry instead of hurt.

He pulled his hand back and stared at me. "What's not fair?" He sounded honestly confused.

I sucked in a deep breath, determined to get the truth out of him. He never let me back out of talking to him, so why should I let him get off easily?

"It's not fair that you think you can corner me until I talk to you, but you won't even admit the truth when I ask you something."

"What? Nessie, I've always told you the truth."

God, could my heart hurt any worse? I felt so angry and insulted, and all I wanted to do was scream at him to leave me alone so I could go cry somewhere. I didn't want him to lie to me. If he thought I looked terrible in something, I wanted him to tell me when I asked about it. I took off my seatbelt and got out of the car, not even sure what I was doing or where I was going to go. It wasn't like he was going to let me get away, and I sure as hell couldn't walk home. I headed toward the theater, just eager to get inside where maybe I could have a moment to think. Before I'd made it ten full steps, Jake caught up to me and grabbed my arm.

"Don't run away from me, Nessie," he demanded.

I spun around and ripped my hand from his. "Stop it, Jake. I'm not talking to you about anything until you can just admit—"

"Admit what?" he all but spat. His voice was harsh, and I could tell he was trying very hard to not yell at me. "That I liked seeing you in that tank top a little too much? Or maybe that when I thought about you running around in something that small, I got really fucking possessive? Or would you like to hear that when I thought of you in the sun with that on, I remembered how badly you were hurt before, and I know it would kill me to see you in that much pain again. I don't give a shit that we're going to be inside or that you can be in the sun for an hour before it really hurts. Things happen, Ness. What if the damn car broke down and you were stuck in the sun? Yeah, a long-sleeved shirt wouldn't protect you forever, but it would be a lot better than the other shirt."

All of the fight went out of me in an instant, and I just stared at him. The force of his words and the look in his eyes told me he wasn't lying now. He actually hadn't been lying before, just not telling me the whole truth. I felt bad that I'd accused him of lying the way I had.

"Jake . . ." I didn't even know what to say.

He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. "I don't know why you thought I was lying to you, Ness, but I wasn't." His voice was gentler now, but still hard.

I nodded. "I'm sorry." It didn't seem nearly enough. Once again, I'd hurt him because I was hurt by something I'd assumed.

He stepped closer to me and pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you, Ness. I wouldn't lie to you." He kissed my head.

I nodded again and hugged him back. "I know, Jake. I'm so sorry. I let my insecurities get the best of me again." I pushed my face into his shirt and took a deep breath.

He squeezed his arms around me tightly for a second. "You need to get inside. Do you still want to see what's playing, or do you want to go back home?"

I wanted to snuggle close to him and not have to worry about other people. "I kind of want to go home. Maybe we could watch something at my house?" I leaned back to look up at him.

He nodded. "Sure. How are you feeling right now?"

I knew he was talking about my skin. I shrugged. "I'm okay. A little hot, but nothing's burning yet."

He kissed me and pulled away to lead the way back to his car. The ride was silent again, but this time Jake held my hand on the stick shift. When we got back to my house, I was a little unsure of what to do. I wanted to change back into my tank top and ask him what exactly he meant when he said he liked it a little too much. He kissed me after he shut the door behind him.

"Are you hungry yet?"

I shook my head. "No, not really." I was nervous to bring it up; I didn't want to start another fight so soon after we'd resolved the last one. "Would you be upset if I changed back into the other shirt?" I asked. I looked up at him, a little afraid of what he would say.

He sighed and kissed me. "No, I wouldn't be upset."

I furrowed my brow. He was already upset about something. "Are you sure?"

He met my eyes and put his hands on my shoulders. "Go change, Ness, then I want you to come out here and we can talk about it, okay? Please?"

I was a little nauseous as I nodded. "Okay."

He kissed me one more time before he let me go. I went into my room and changed back into the tank top. I considered taking off my bra, but in the end I figured it would probably be a bad decision. I wanted Jake to be able to stay as long as possible, and if that meant I had to keep all of my undergarments on, I'd do it.

I straightened the hem of the shirt, finger-combed my hair, and took a deep breath before I walked back out to the living room. Jake was sitting on the couch, leaning back with one hand on the arm rest and the other in his lap. One foot was on the coffee table, and he just looked so relaxed. And sexy. I caught myself staring at his stomach again. He looked up at me when I came out and gave me a half-smile as he reached out his hand.

"Come here, Ness."

I swallowed and walked over to sit beside him. He sat up, putting both feet on the carpet, and leaned forward. He took my hand and looked over to meet my eyes. "I love you."

I squeezed his fingers. "I love you, too."

"I want to tell you why I asked you to change, then I'd like you to tell me why you thought I was lying to you. Okay?" I nodded, even though I wasn't sure I really wanted to tell him how I'd assumed things like usual, even after I'd promised I'd talk to him. He had asked me to trust him, and I couldn't even do that. He leaned down and kissed my lips softly.

"Okay. First of all, I've only ever seen you in a tank top when you're in your pajamas. I know that sounds odd, Ness, but there's something about this that really . . . that I really like. I'm not normally a possessive guy. I don't think of you as mine or something that I own, but the thought of other men seeing you like this . . . it pissed me off. I know you don't think you're anything special, but if you could see what I see, you'd know there's a lot to protect. And I know the car breaking down is a long shot, but unless you have something to cover up with, please don't ever go outside in just that. Please?"

I licked my lips and met his eyes. I kind of wanted to laugh at the idea of any other man looking at me and thinking I was attractive. At least enough that Jake would think he had to protect me. I thought about Amanda, the receptionist at Debt to Wealth when we'd gone to get my final check, and I realized that I knew exactly what he was talking about. I smiled and nodded.

"Okay, but if I can't go outside in tank tops, you can't go outside in that anymore." I blushed as my eyes flickered down to his stomach, then back up to his eyes.

He raised an eyebrow. "In what?"

I gestured to his outfit. "That. The shirt and the pants. They, um . . . you know, other women and whatnot." I blushed harder.

He seemed confused for a second before his lips finally spread in a smile. He even chuckled a little. "You don't want other girls to see me like this?" he asked.

I licked my lips and cleared my throat. "Well, you do look really sexy." And I still wanted to lift his shirt and kiss his stomach. Maybe feel out the lines of his hips again.

He kissed my lips. "Okay. If you promise not to wear that shirt—or anything like it—outside, then I promise I'll tone down the sexy."

I looked down at my hand in his. "I don't think that'll be possible, Jake. Just promise you won't wear those pants with that shirt anymore. At least where other girls can see you."

He laughed again and made me look up at him. "Okay, I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Now will you tell me why you thought I was lying to you?" he asked gently. His thumb rubbed slow circles over my knuckles, and I stared at them again for a moment. I wasn't really sure what to say. Now that I knew what he'd really been thinking, my assumptions seemed so ludicrous.

I had to tell him, though. He'd told me, so now it was my turn. I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "It seems so stupid to me now," I said.

He smiled. "Doesn't matter, Ness. It upset you, so it can't be _that_ stupid."

I smiled and rolled my eyes a little. "You'd be surprised, Jake. I . . . well, when you told me to change because I'd be in the sun, it seemed weird to me. You know, because we'd be in the theater and everything. I didn't think about the possibility of getting stuck somewhere. But I know you know that I'm fine when I'm inside, so it seemed like you were making excuses to get me to change. I didn't want to ask you about it, though, because I was afraid you'd tell me that you didn't like to look at me in it." He smirked, but didn't say anything. He moved his thumb over my knuckles a little rougher. "I, um . . . I want to be pretty for you." I blushed fiercely. "I mean I want to look good for you, and I thought I looked okay in this. I was confused when you told me to change, and it didn't make sense to me. I think I overreacted, though, and I'm sorry."

He lifted my hand up and kissed the back of it. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry that I upset you earlier. I think I've made it pretty clear that I like that shirt, though, and I'm not going to stop telling you that you're beautiful until you believe me." He leaned in and kissed my lips. "Because you're very beautiful."

I blushed again. "Thank you."

"What movie would you like to watch?" he asked.

I shrugged and leaned my head on his shoulder for a second. "I don't know. Oh, by the way, I found a recipe at the library that I thought we could make tonight, if that's okay."

He kissed my head. "Sure. What is it?"

I stood up, and he followed me to the kitchen. I picked up the recipe and handed it to him. "Chicken burritos."

He looked it over for a second, then he smirked at me. "This does sound pretty good. Looks easy, too. Do you have everything we'll need?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I checked yesterday after I got back from the library."

He put the paper down and kissed me. "Good. Let's watch a movie, then we can start cooking, okay?"

I smiled and took his hand to go back to the living room. "Sounds good to me."

We went through the movies together and decided on _The Breakfast Club_. I snuggled up next to him and kissed his jaw as he started the movie. His arm curled around me, and his fingers played with the seam of my jeans on my thigh. I did my best to keep my focus on the movie, but it was so easy to get distracted by the straps of his shirt. My fingers played with the neckline, and occasionally the little bit of hair that showed at the top. I kind of wanted to reach down to his hips, but I was nervous to do that while he was sitting. It was little too close to places I didn't want to touch yet.

"Did you ever have to go to detention?" Jake asked halfway through the movie.

I looked up at him and shook my head. "No. I did get into trouble sometimes, but not really bad. Did you?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, a few times. Once, when I was seventeen, I got really pissed off in chemistry. This kid that sat at my table was always a prick about everything, so I thought I'd try to blow him up when we did some kind of experiment. It didn't work; I just ended up breaking the beaker. When the teacher found out what I was doing, though, he sent me to the principal's office. My dad was upset about it, but I was just mad that I didn't hurt the kid."

I laughed and laid my head back down on his shoulder. "I'm glad you didn't, though, Jake. That could have hurt you, too."

His fingers combed through my hair gently. "I know. I got him after school a few days later, though. Then I got detention again."

I smiled to myself. "I'm not sure if the teachers and principal took it easy on me, but I never really got into trouble with them. Even when I would sneak out and skip my last two classes, I just got lectured by my dad." I squirmed to get closer to Jake and put my face on his arm as I remembered my dad chastising me when I didn't go to class. His arms wrapped around me, and he held me tightly.

"You were lucky, then. When I skipped class, I got shit from my dad, the teacher, the principal, and once I even got a lecture from the sheriff. I never actually got arrested, though."

I looked up at him. "Why the sheriff?"

He smiled and kissed my nose. "Because I was pissed off and thought it would be a good idea to break the windows on the vice principal's car."

I nodded, a little surprised. "What did she do?"

He shrugged. "I don't even remember. I just know I was really mad at her."

I leaned up to kiss him. "I love you."

He smiled and kissed me again. "Love you, too. Were you in any group in high school? Popular or anything?"

I snorted and shook my head. "No. I was probably the furthest thing from popular. I mean, everyone knew about me, but that was because I was teased so much by the kids who started all the rumors. They were a lot like the people at Debt to Wealth; they thought I was contagious and stayed away from me. Either that, or they did their best to make my life hell."

His brow furrowed. "If I'd gone to school with you, I would have kicked the shit out of them."

"I'm sure you would have liked to do that for me. I can think of a few kids I would have let you beat up, too."

He smirked and leaned down to kiss my ear. "It wouldn't matter if you let me or not, I would have done it anyway."

I shivered, and my body started to throb. I couldn't really be sure if it was because of his voice right next to my ear, his warm breath on my neck, or what he'd said. Whatever it was, though, I liked it a lot. I reached up and held his shoulder as I turned my head and kissed his lips.

He deepened it immediately and pulled me closer to him. He lifted me up on his lap and groaned when I pushed myself closer. His hands moved roughly down my back and grabbed my butt, squeezing hard. I loved it, but I was worried about going too far. I didn't want him to have to leave any time soon. I pulled back from the kiss and reached down to touch his wrist. He met my eyes and moved his hands to my hips.

"You okay?" he asked. He sounded a little confused.

I nodded and kissed him lightly. "I'm okay, but, um . . ." I wasn't sure how to ask him how far he could go before it was too much. I licked my lips and trailed my fingers up his arm to his shoulder. "I don't want to make you leave," I said, hoping he would understand what I meant.

He smiled and rubbed my back. "I'm okay, Ness."

My fingers moved up his neck to his cheek. I smiled, amused by the little bit of stubble there. I wondered what Jake would look like with a beard. He could probably pull it off, but I really liked him clean-shaven like this. "Will you promise to stop us before it gets too much?"

He nodded and kissed me. "Yes. I love you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned in again. "I love you, too." I kissed him, deepening it and pushing my chest into him. His hands went down to my backside again, and I let myself be overcome by sensation. I loved every stroke of his tongue and every squeeze of his fingers. I shifted my hips into him, knowing without a doubt that his erection was for me and because of me. Just feeling it on my hip was enough to make the throbbing between my legs get worse. He skimmed one hand over my hip to my side, and I really hoped he was going up to my breast. As he moved, his fingers caught the hem of my shirt and slipped under. I was both nervous and intensely aroused by the feel of his hand on the skin of my waist, and I gasped as I pulled back slightly. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make him stop.

He started to pull his hand away. "I'm sorry, Ness; I meant to go over your shirt."

I swallowed and put my hand on his wrist again. Somehow, the thought that he'd accidentally gone under made it more bearable. I met his eyes and shook my head. "It's okay, Jake. I, um . . . I think I'm okay."

He moved his thumb, grazing the bottom of my ribs lightly. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just . . . just stay down?" I prayed he wouldn't get upset with me, but I was strangely panicked by the thought of him touching my breasts under my shirt. Even though I had my bra on, and he'd touched me with even thinner fabric covering me just the other day. This was different somehow.

He nodded and slipped his hand to my back. "Okay. Are you okay with front and back?"

I furrowed my brow and licked my lips again. "What do you mean?"

He kissed me and slowly moved his hand to my stomach. "Is this okay?"

I smiled and combed my fingers through his hair at the back of his head. "Yes, that's all right." He was so sweet to check.

He nodded and kissed me again. His hand still on my backside squeezed tightly and pulled me into him while his hand under my shirt went around my waist to my back. I shivered in a good way when he deepened the kiss and squeezed my butt and my waist at the same time. I pushed my hips into him, and he groaned into my mouth.

He pulled back from the kiss and looked down at me. "Can I touch your boobs?" he asked.

I wanted him to touch me. I wanted it very much. "Yeah, just not under. I mean, I know you touched me without my bra the other day, and I liked that, but I kind of want . . . I'm nervous about this." I gestured to his hand under my shirt.

He nodded. "That's okay, Ness. You said stay down, and I wasn't sure if you just meant under your shirt." He slipped his hand down, out from under my shirt, and touched my shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I kissed him again, pushing myself up against him. As he moved his tongue with mine, his hand moved down to grab my breast. It felt so good, even though it couldn't compare to how it had felt without my bra. I whimpered when he squeezed tightly and pushed his hips into mine.

He broke the kiss to move his lips down my jaw. I lifted my chin, excited for what I hoped he was going to do. I whimpered and gripped his hair harder as he kissed a path to my ear. My whole body shivered in the best way as he opened his mouth and licked me roughly. I felt like I could burst into flame with how hot my body was throbbing, and I let out a strangled moan that sounded so loud to me. My hips shifted forward on their own, and I wished so badly I could let him touch me between my legs.

He pulled back with a grunt and moved his hands to my hips. "Ness," he said gruffly. I met his eyes with a cross between a whimper and a hum. "I need to stop."

I had to admit I was a little disappointed, but I knew it would be even worse if he had to leave. So instead of asking him to push it, I licked my lips and nodded. "Okay."

He kissed me once more and took a deep breath. "You hungry?"

I wondered if he needed something to get his mind off of our bodies moving together. Even if that wasn't why he was asking, I knew it would help. I was starting to get hungry anyway, so I nodded and slipped off his lap. "Yeah; why don't we start cooking?"

He stood up beside me and kissed my head. "Sounds good."

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A/N: Thanks so much for reading!


	25. Basket Case

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! I am completely astounded; we broke 300 reviews with the last chapter. It makes me so happy to know that my readers love these characters as much as I do. :)

Things are going great for them, aren't they? This chapter is huge. Not just in length, although it is a monster (it's even longer than the last one!). No, this chapter involves some very big steps for Ness. The last chapter, this one, and the next all go together as a sort of gigantic chapter, which is why they're all in Ness' POV. I'm expecting there to be some questions raised from this chapter, and I can promise you that they will be answered with the next one. Keep your hopes up!

I own nothing. Enjoy!

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Four

Basket Case

_Do you have the time to listen to me whine  
About nothing and everything all at once?  
I am one of those melodramatic fools,  
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it._

- Basket Case – Green Day

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I followed Jake to the kitchen where we pulled everything out for the chicken burritos. Jake looked over the recipe for a second.

"So this is pretty much fajitas. We'll just fry the chicken and sauté the rest. You want to work on the vegetables, and I'll do the meat?"

I nodded. "Sure. I'm not really sure what to do with them, though."

He smirked and kissed me. "Don't worry; I'll show you."

He stood behind me, his arms on either side of mine as he showed me how to wash and cut the peppers and onions. It wasn't easy trying to ignore the heat in my body or forget what had just happened on the couch, especially when he'd get close enough for me to feel how aroused he still was. I would be lying if I said I didn't lean back just a little bit to feel it more.

As soon as I felt confident enough to do it on my own, I took over and let him deal with the chicken. It was slightly easier to calm down when he was on the opposite side of the kitchen. I still stole a few glances at him in between cutting, being extra careful to make sure I didn't slice my fingers. His back was facing me as he washed and cut the chicken, and I found my eyes wandering down to his hips again. I wasn't sure what exactly it was about those pants, but they fit him remarkably well. I'd never caught myself staring at his backside before. I licked my lips and quickly went back to chopping when he turned around.

He kissed my head, and when I looked up at him, he was fighting a smile. I had probably been caught. Oh, well. It wasn't like he didn't grab mine every chance he got. The thought made me want him to do it now. I cleared my throat.

"What next?" I asked.

He chuckled and kissed my lips. "You got everything cut up?"

I nodded and gestured to the pile in front of me. "Yep, just finished. Are you done with the chicken?" I looked around to see that he'd even set out two pans on the stove.

"The chicken's going to take a little bit longer than the peppers, so I'll get this started then help you with that in a minute, okay?"

I nodded again and put the knife down. I rinsed my hands off and stepped closer to watch what he was doing. He smiled down at me as he poured a little bit of cooking oil into the pan then put the chicken in. We were both quiet, and I just watched his hands, one on the handle of the pan and one on the spoon. He made it look so easy. After a few minutes, he put some cooking oil in the second pan.

"You wanna grab the peppers?" he asked, casting me a quick glance. I reached over and picked up the plate to hand it to him. He smiled and shook his head. "You're doing them, Ness. I'm just showing you how."

I got a little nervous. I really didn't want to ruin anything. "Okay."

He took a step back and gestured for me to take his place in front of the pan. I did, and he reached his arms around me like had before. I could probably handle this.

"Now carefully put them in the pan."

His hands hovered around mine, never actually touching but somehow still guiding. I jumped a little when the oil sizzled, and I could feel Jake chuckle behind me. He kissed my head and told me to stir everything around.

"Just keep that up. Let them sit for a few seconds, then stir them again, 'kay?"

I nodded. I could do that. "How long?"

He stepped around me to stir the chicken again. "Maybe ten to fifteen minutes. We'll check them when the chicken's done."

I nodded again and smiled to myself as I stirred the peppers. I could really get used to cooking, especially if he showed me what to do like that.

It didn't take long for everything to do be done. I got some plates down, we loaded a few tortillas, then we went to sit on the couch to eat.

"Pretty damn good, Ness," Jake said.

I nodded. "You're a good cook."

He smirked. "I'm not the only one."

I couldn't say why I blushed. "Well, I'm not, so it must have been you."

He shook his head and swallowed his bite before he spoke again. "You _are_ a good cook; you just have to know what you're doing."

I smiled, happier than I thought I should be at his words. It gave me hope that someday I could make something by myself that he would like.

As we ate, I thought about the things I'd want to make for him. Dinners, of course, but I also wanted to make other things like deserts and snacks. I'd make him chocolate chip cookies using the recipe from my mom's cook book since they were so much better than any cookies I'd ever bought at a store. I remembered smiling and laughing with my dad as we scooped out spoonfuls of dough and dropped them on the cookie sheet. I wondered if Jake and I could make them together.

"Jake?" I asked. He hummed and met my eyes. "Do you like cookies?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Peanut butter cookies with milk are the best."

I frowned a little. I wasn't sure if there was a recipe for peanut butter or not. "What about chocolate chip?"

"Those are good, too. They're your favorite, right?"

I smiled, happy that he remembered that. "Yeah. The best ones are the ones I used to make with my dad." My heart hurt at the memories, but it was in the strangest way. It didn't feel like I was going to cry or rip open or anything like that. It just ached like it used to ache right after Grandpa Charlie died and I'd think about fishing. I couldn't remember ever feeling this kind of dull but persistent ache when I remembered my dad.

Jake put his hand on my knee, and his thumb rubbed gently across my jeans. "My dad used to make the best pecan pies."

I smiled and realized that Jake never talked about his dad. I knew it was because it made me remember mine, but I felt bad that he couldn't talk about those happy memories around me. I wanted to try, for him. "What was he like?"

He smiled and took another bite of his burrito before he answered me. "He was like me in a lot of ways. Calmer, though; it took a lot to get him upset. I got all of my looks from him. My mom was short like you with brown hair and the most beautiful green eyes . . . Before Dad got sick, we used to wrestle all the time. We'd just go outside and try to pin each other down, no matter what the weather was doing. He loved my mother so much, and he always taught me to respect women and never take love for granted. He would have loved you, Ness."

He met my eyes, and I swear I his were glistening. It surprised me, but only made my heart hurt worse with how much I loved him. I put my hand over his on my knee.

"What all did you think about last night?" he asked.

I took a deep breath. "I wondered what my dad would have thought about you. I think he would have liked you a lot. And I imagined what it would have been like to bring you home and introduce you to him." The tears I thought I'd escaped started to fall, and I leaned in to put my head on his shoulder. "I imagined him looking you over and doing the normal dad thing—you know, trying to decide if you were good enough for his little girl. I think he'd see how much you've done for me and how you just dropped whatever you'd been doing and came to help me, and he'd love you more for all of it."

Jake's fingers curled around mine, and he kissed the top of my head. "I've thought a lot about what would happen if you were able to meet my dad. He always thought he had to give me advice on how to be with my girlfriends. He'd probably tell me to be careful with you. You look fragile like Mom did, and he'd hate to see you get hurt. He'd tell me to take it slow and respect your needs. Then he'd tell me to hold on tight and never let go, because a woman like you will never come around again."

I smiled and my throat tightened in a strange new way. His dad sounded just as sweet as he was. "I love you, Jake." I moved back to look up at him.

He kissed my lips. "I love you, too."

It made me happy to know that Jake thought his dad would like me. We were both quiet for a while; just finishing dinner. I thought about how much Jake had given up for me. I didn't want to think of it like that, but there really was no other way to put it. He sacrificed a lot to be with me. I wanted to do something special for him.

When we finished eating, I helped Jake clean up. I washed the dishes while he cleaned the counters, and I found myself turning to look at him every few minutes. When that was done, we went back to the living room. Jake looked a little tense, but he didn't seem upset. It looked more like he was thinking pretty seriously about something.

"What should we do now?" I asked. I kind of wanted to make out more now that dinner was out of the way. I also wanted to try to straddle him. I wasn't sure if I'd actually be able to do it without scaring myself, but I wanted to try.

He sat down on the couch. Perfect. "Come here."

I went to him and reached out for his hands. He gave them to me, and he looked up at me with the most gorgeous look in his dark eyes. It was so much love and trust and need. I licked my lips and leaned down as I put one knee on the couch beside his leg.

"I want to try something," I said.

He nodded and held my hands tighter, supporting me as I leaned forward a little and bent my other leg. It was so strange to be like this, straddling his thighs with my backside on his knees. I took a deep breath and tried hard to ignore the panic growing in my chest. This was Jake, and I trusted him with my whole life. There was no reason to be scared. I met his eyes and tightened my fingers on his.

"I love you," he said softly. He tried to pull me closer, but I needed another minute. Every part of me tensed and pulled back slightly, and he relaxed.

"I love you, too, Jake. I'm sorry . . ." I wanted to be able to just sit close to him and do whatever he wanted to do. I took another deep breath and moved one hand from his to place it on his shoulder. His hand went to my hip and held tightly.

"Don't be sorry, Ness. Take your time."

Without moving my hips closer, I leaned in and kissed him. As my heart rate calmed down and the panic eased, I was able to notice how good it actually felt to be like this. Jake was between my legs, and the mere thought of that made my whole body start to throb. I moved forward a few inches, until I started to tense with panic again. I stopped and leaned back a little bit to take another deep breath. I still held Jake's hand in mine, and I let go just long enough to intertwine our fingers. I squeezed tightly and kissed him again. His fingers on my hip moved lightly, going back and forth on the top of the back pocket of my jeans.

Once again, the panic eased, and I was able to move closer. This time the panic wasn't as consuming, and I didn't even have to break the kiss. I didn't break it again until my body was flush with his, and I felt his arousal between my legs. I sucked in a deep breath, surprised by how good it felt, and pulled back to meet his eyes.

"Jake?" My voice was barely a whisper. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. I moved my hips and gasped again. His fingers on my hip gripped firmly, pulling me in harder, as his hand holding mine clenched tighter. He groaned and pushed his hips up, causing a whole new sensation to sweep through me. I whimpered and leaned in to connect our lips again. I finally took my hand from his to wrap both of my arms around his neck and lean in so my chest was on his. Both of his hands went to my backside to help me move against him. Every motion caused another burst of fire in my gut, and it wasn't long before I had to break the kiss just to lean my head back and moan.

"Nessie," Jake said. His voice was low and rough, and it went all through me in the best way. I shivered and met his eyes. "I want you to move in with me."

I leaned back, surprised. It wasn't at all what I had expected him to say. His hands pulled my hips in again, and I fought to keep my head clear. I put my hands on his wrists and tried to still myself.

"What?" Maybe I'd heard him wrong.

"Move in with me, Ness. I saw that paper behind the microwave again, and I know you've only got two weeks left here. Have you figured anything else out yet?" His fingers moved roughly up my waist to my breasts. My hands slid down to his elbows. I shivered again and sighed, so conflicted. I wasn't even sure how I found it in me to care that he was asking me to put that on him. But, somehow, I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that I had it all figured out and he didn't need to worry about me anymore. Instead, I found myself shaking my head. He kissed me softly. "Just move in with me. You won't have to worry about finding a job unless you want to. Let me take care of you, baby."

Oh, God. His words made me want to melt and just do whatever he said. His hands on my breasts and erection between my legs only made it harder to concentrate. I was almost amazed that I was even able to shake my head again.

"Jake, I can't do that." Would that work?

His brow furrowed, and he shifted his hips a little. Did he know what he was doing to me? "Why not?" As he moved again, his thumbs grazed over my nipples. I was going to burst into flames at any second.

It took every ounce of my awareness to speak. "Jake . . . I . . . Oh, God." My hips betrayed me, moving forward and causing me to whimper again. "I can't . . . Please don't ask me to do that."

"I want you to, Ness. As much as it kills me that I can't do anything to stop it, you're going to lose this house. You don't know how much I wish I had the money to give you." I closed my eyes and swallowed. I knew he'd give me the money if he had it. I also knew I would never be able to accept it. "But I don't, and you have to do something. Even if you weren't allergic to the sun, you couldn't stay on the street." He shifted again and hissed, his eyes closing halfway for a brief moment. "There's only two weeks left, and unless you can find an apartment in the next few days, you're not going to find anything that can run the application and let you move in before you're out of time."

Somehow, I was actually impressed with how calm he seemed. He had the most delicious fire in his eyes, though, and I knew he was anything but. His hands were rough against my breasts, gripping tightly and driving me wild. "Please, Jake," I begged. It scared me how much I wanted to just agree with him. I knew, though, that if I let myself slip even once, he would never let me back out of it.

A tiny voice somewhere deep inside me wondered why I was fighting him. Didn't I want to be with him? Living with him would mean we'd never have to say goodbye at the end of the night. He'd never have to leave if he got too aroused. Then again, he wouldn't be able to get away from me, either. He'd be stuck with me, whether he wanted my presence or not. I couldn't let myself agree when I knew there was a chance he might end up regretting it someday. I never wanted him to ask me to leave.

"I can't," I said again.

"Tell me why," he said. His voice was harder, and his hands slipped down to my waist and pulled me in roughly as he shifted his hips up. We both gasped, and I gripped his wrists again, my fingernails biting into his skin.

"Please . . ." I couldn't think. All I knew was that I couldn't give in. "I need to stop."

He sighed, but he nodded and released my hips. I moved off to sit beside him and looked down at my lap, breathing heavily. I noticed him panting right along with me.

"I love you, Ness," he said, taking my hand.

I looked up at him with a smile. "I love you, too."

"Will you at least think about it? Not just staying for a while until you find something else; I want you to live with me."

I leaned in to put my forehead on his shoulder. "Jake . . . I can't—"

"You can. Please just think about it." He kissed the top of my head.

I could think about it. There was no doubt in my mind that I _would_ think about it, even when I didn't want to. I'd imagine all the different possibilities that living with him could bring. I wouldn't ever have to go a day without seeing him again. I'd never have to say goodbye; only goodnight. I licked my lips and looked back up at him.

"Okay, I'll think about it."

He kissed me. "Thank you. I think I need to go. I love you."

I sighed. "I love you, too."

We got up, and I hugged him hard. He kissed my head one more time before he pulled back, touched my cheek, and left. I went to bed a little sad that I wouldn't see him for two days. Tuesday was going to be a big day, and I had a lot to do Sunday and Monday to try to find a way and a place to move.

* * *

The library wasn't open on Sunday, and there wasn't much I could do about anything, so I stayed inside and finished my book. I was surprised with the ending; too many of the loose ends had been left hanging. It made me wonder if maybe there was a sequel. I made a note to check the next time I went to the library.

After I'd finished the book and spent a good hour and a half imagining all the possibilities that the loose ends could mean, I went through the house and cleaned up anything that needed it. I made my bed and started a load of laundry, then I went outside and checked the mail since I hadn't checked it the day before. It was all junk, but one of the pieces was labeled to Edward Masen.

I sat on the couch and stared at the name on the envelope, surprised in more than one way when I realized I wasn't dying. I remembered how he used to make jokes about junk mail. He'd ask me if I thought he'd get lucky with the key for the car that could win a large amount of money. We even tried one once, just because I was curious about it. He won a five dollar gift card to a department store. He'd shrugged and said it was better than a slap in the face. I remembered laughing, thinking that a gift card for five dollars _was _a slap in the face.

It hurt in the strange, dull-but-persistent way it had hurt the day before when Jacob was with me. As if my dad's death was no more painful than Grandpa Charlie's. I didn't know what I wanted to think about that. Was it okay to feel this? It didn't seem okay. Shouldn't I be hurting so bad it was hard to breathe? I took a deep breath, and it was clear as any other breath. I felt the oxygen and the relief. I wasn't sure if I liked it.

I put the envelopes on the coffee table and went down the hall to my room. I needed some time to process this new pain.

I got up early on Monday to go to the library, determined to find something good enough to prove to Jacob that he didn't need to sacrifice everything he had for me. Before I got online, I looked up the book I'd gotten and learned that it was part of a trilogy. I was a little too excited when I found both of the sequels, then I picked out a few more recipes and finally made my way to the computers.

It was difficult trying to do much of anything in just a half an hour. I put in two more applications and got the phone numbers for three of the places I'd already applied. I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to do, but I had read somewhere that it was a good idea to check on the application if I hadn't heard back from the company. After my internet time was up, I checked everything out and went home. I was eager to start reading, but I told myself that a job was more important. I had to call the companies I had the numbers for, then I could read.

Calling them was a joke. None of the people I talked to had access to the applications, and either the people that did weren't in the office or were inaccessible. I grumbled to myself as I put the phone back in the kitchen. What was I going to do? Jacob was right; if I didn't find something soon, I wasn't going to have any option at all. It would be too late to make enough money to get into a new place, much less have the place ready for me to move into. I was so confused, not even willing to think about my wavering determination when it came to Jake. Instead, I sat on the couch and started the second book in the trilogy.

At seven o'clock, I started thinking about going to bed. As I walked down the hall, the phone rang. I figured it was probably Jacob, so I went to the kitchen and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ness." I smiled to myself when I heard Jake's voice. "How was your day?"

I leaned against the counter. "It was okay. How was yours?"

"Not bad. I called a few of those doctors to see what we need to do for the initial consultation. They need an appointment, so I made two for you. They're in person rather than on the phone."

I nodded even though I was a little confused. "In person, like I need to go to their office?"

"Yeah. I'll be there with you, though, so don't worry, okay?"

I did relax a little knowing Jake would be there. "Okay. You said you made two?"

"Yes, first we'll go to Dr. West, then we'll see Dr. May. The other ones were booked up for the next week, so we can look in to them a little bit later. I'll be there at nine to get you, 'kay?"

"Okay. Thank you for doing that." Although I knew this therapy thing was important to him, it still surprised me that he was so willing to help.

"Anytime. You getting ready for bed?"

"Yeah, I think so. I love you."

"Love you, too, Ness. Have a good night."

"You, too, Jake. See you tomorrow."

We hung up, and I went down the hall to go to bed. I was nervous about tomorrow, but excited at the same time.

I woke up screaming at three-thirty the next morning. My throat was burning, and I swear I could feel the blade cutting through my airway. I could feel myself choking on blood. I got up, still gasping and coughing, and stumbled my way to the kitchen to get a drink. I held the counter for support and just sipped water from the tap out of my hand. I closed my eyes tightly and splashed some water on my face. It was all a dream, and I was going to be fine.

I sat on the couch for a long time after that, just staring at the empty living room. I wished I wasn't alone. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I thought about Jacob holding me. I wanted him there. This wasn't like the other night, though. I couldn't call him just because I'd had a bad dream.

Something inside me said that this was just another reason I should give in and live with Jake. I wouldn't have to worry about calling him or being alone. He'd always be there. Even if I was there with him now, though, he'd be asleep. I couldn't wake him up and expect him to comfort me. I'd be alone anyway, so what would be the point?

The part of me that wanted to give in to Jake argued that I wouldn't really be alone. Not like I was now. Jake might be asleep and in another room, but he'd be there. If something like the other night did happen again, he wouldn't have to drop everything and drive to rescue me. He'd just be there.

I shook myself to get away from those thoughts. Jake knew about the breakdowns, and I knew he was okay with them. He didn't know about the nightmares. Honestly, I was a little afraid to talk about them. I knew I'd have to in therapy, but I didn't want to. I kind of wanted to keep them to myself. I remembered a time when I was ten years old that I'd had a nightmare and woke my dad up. He'd been in a bad mood and told me that I was too old to be getting upset over nightmares. Later, he apologized and told me he'd always love me. But now I was twenty; it was way too old to expect anyone to comfort me over a nightmare. They were just dreams, and I'd be fine.

I finally laid back down at five o'clock. I made sure my alarm was still set, then I went back to sleep.

* * *

My fingers were shaking as I brushed my hair, getting ready to go to therapy consultations with Jake. I wasn't sure if I was more nervous about talking to someone I didn't know, or if it was because I had no idea what they would want to talk about. I wasn't sure I could talk about everything the way I talked to Jake. At least not right up front.

I told myself I was ready at eight-thirty. I sat on the couch and read until Jake got there. When he did show up, I tried to hide my nervousness. I knew he'd see through me anyway, but at least I could try.

"You okay?" he asked after he hugged me. I nodded and smiled, but he raised an eyebrow. "You're worried about this, aren't you?"

I sighed. "Just a little bit."

He smirked. Yeah, I was an open book. "I'm sure. All we're doing today is just getting a feel of these doctors. They'll ask you a few questions and have you tell them about yourself, and I'll be there with you the whole time. If they ask something you don't want to answer, you don't have to."

His encouragement and understanding made me feel better, and I was able to smile easier. "Okay."

He leaned down and kissed me. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, I think so." I made sure I had everything I needed, took his hand, and we left.

The first appointment we had was with Dr. West. I was shaking by the time we walked into her office, but Jake kept his arm around my shoulders. I felt a little safer that way. Her office was huge and plain. It was all dark wood with a few throw rugs and a couch opposite the receptionist's desk. There were no windows in the room, and while I appreciated that, it made me curious. A normal person would expect windows in a place like this. We went up to the desk, and I tried to hide behind Jake. His arm around me wouldn't allow it.

"We have an appointment with Dr. West for Renesmee Masen."

I couldn't remember ever hearing Jake say my full name. I kind of liked it. The receptionist smiled and picked up her phone. I assumed she was talking to the doctor, because when she hung up, she told us to sit and wait for a few minutes. Jake pulled me over to the couch, and I sat next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed as his fingers rubbed lightly up and down my arm. It was around five minutes later that a door behind the receptionist opened and a woman who looked in her mid- to late-forties came out. She looked over at Jake and me.

"Renesmee Masen, you can come back now."

Somehow it felt like an appointment at a real doctor. Or, well, like a medical doctor. Jake and I got up, and he still didn't move his arm from my shoulders as we walked back to the woman's office. It was plain and wooden just like the waiting area, and it had very few things set up. There was an overstuffed chair that looked really hard and uncomfortable about five feet or so from a couch that looked just as unpleasant.

"My name is Doctor Marjorie West. It's nice to meet you." She held out her hand and smiled stiffly.

"You, too," I said, trying to smile as I shook her hand.

She cast a wary glance at Jacob. "Is he going to stay in here with you?"

My stomach tightened. If she tried to send him out, there was no way I was even going to sit down. I nodded and turned into him slightly. "Yes. This is Jacob. My boyfriend." It felt weird to say that word out loud. Was it really the first time I'd actually claimed Jake as my boyfriend to another person? It made me happy. I wanted to say it again.

Jacob's arm tightened around me. "I made the appointment, and the receptionist said you don't have a problem with family staying in the room."

Dr. West nodded. "Yes, that's true. Family. Well, I guess you can stay this time."

I looked up at Jake. I didn't like this woman already. He smiled and kissed my lips then turned back to the doctor. "Thank you, but I think we've learned all we need to know. We need someone who is okay with me staying with her through all of her sessions."

I sighed in relief. The woman pursed her lips, but didn't try to dissuade us from leaving. Once we got back in the car, Jake laughed. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him.

"I'm kind of surprised that woman's still in practice," he said. "We've got about an hour and a half before we go see Dr. May. Are you hungry?"

I hadn't eaten any breakfast, so I nodded. "Yeah a little. Jake, what if none of them want to let you stay with me?"

He smiled at me as he started the car. "Then we keep looking."

We went through a drive through and got breakfast burritos, then we went back to my house to eat them.

"What are you going to do with Leah?" I asked as we ate.

"More wedding stuff. She refuses to let Sam see anything she might be wearing that day, so instead of asking him for help, she's asking me. She says we're the only two men she can trust with it, and I don't mind helping."

I smiled and nodded. "You're going up there at two, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

I didn't want to admit that I was sad I'd have to say goodbye to him so early. There was another forty-five minutes before we had to leave to see the next doctor, but I wasn't sure what to do. I sort of wanted to make out again, but I wasn't going to straddle him. I was afraid he'd bring up something about moving in with him again, and who knew if I'd be strong enough to resist him a second time.

When we were finished eating, Jake sat back on the couch and gently tugged my arm to get me to lean back with him. I rested my head on his shoulder and lifted my hand to fidget with the neckline of his t-shirt. I loved that spot where the fabric met his skin. I lifted myself enough to kiss it and remembered a time before I knew he loved me when I'd wanted to do the same thing so badly. I smiled; now I could do it anytime I wanted.

"Tell me something new about you, Ness," Jake said, breaking the silence.

I pursed my lips and tried to think of something I hadn't ever told him. Even though I knew there had to be a million things he didn't know yet, I couldn't think of one. "It might be a minute," I said, still sorting through thoughts and memories for something to say. He kissed my head again, and I felt him nod against my hair.

I snuggled closer to him and reached up further to hold on to his shoulder. The arm around me held tighter, and his other hand started to lightly rub my arm. It felt like heaven, just sitting here with him like this.

"How about 'Twenty Questions?'"

I looked up at him. "What?"

"Have you ever played 'Twenty Questions?'"

I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. "No."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'll ask you twenty random questions, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind."

That could get dangerous. "Okay, but only if you promise not to ask embarrassing questions."

He laughed and hugged me tighter. "I promise."

"Okay; I'll play. What're your questions?"

"Apple juice or orange juice?"

"Orange juice." Easy enough.

He nodded. "Ninjas or pirates?"

Huh? "Um, ninjas, I guess. They're cooler."

He chuckled. "Sweet or salty?"

"Sweet or salty what?"

He shrugged. "Anything. Food, I guess."

"Depends on my mood."

He nodded. "Right now?"

"Salty."

He smirked. "Black or white?"

"Black."

The smirk turned into a smile. He probably knew I only said that because it was his last name. "Red or blue?"

"Blue." This was easy. No hard questions. I shifted closer.

"Favorite animal?"

First thing that came to my mind? "Um . . . dogs, I guess. But only the pretty ones. Like huskies and stuff."

"Okay. Do you believe in ghosts?"

"No."

He raised an eyebrow. "Aliens?"

Now he was just getting ridiculous. I laughed as I answered. "No."

He smiled. "Celebrity crush?"

"Nobody."

He looked down at me. "Nobody at all?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. I used to like Richard Gere, but I think that's passed." Jacob was hotter than any celebrity I'd seen in a while, and he was mine, so what was the point in dreaming about someone I would never even see in person?

He laughed. "Okay. Have you ever wanted to get a tattoo?"

"No, but when I was younger, I thought about getting my nose pierced."

He wrinkled his nose. "Please don't."

"Why?"

He kissed my lips. "Because you're pretty enough without it."

I liked that reason.

"Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Vanilla." I wondered if I'd get to ask the questions when he got to twenty.

"Batman or Superman?"

"Neither."

He looked down at me again. "You have to pick one."

I sighed. "Superman."

He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

I couldn't stop my smile. "Because you made me choose."

He laughed again and kissed me. "Aragorn or Legolas?"

My brow furrowed. Was he even speaking English? "What?"

"From _Lord of the Rings_. Aragorn or Legolas?"

"I've never read those books. I tried to once, but I got bored."

He smirked. "They made movies, too. I have them; maybe we can watch them sometime."

"Sure."

"Vampires or werewolves?"

"Werewolves."

He smirked. "What are you most afraid of?"

"Losing you." I blushed and tried to look down, but he caught my chin and made me look up at him. He didn't say anything about it. He just kissed my lips softly and moved on.

"What makes you most happy?"

What happened to no embarrassing questions? I was still blushing as I answered him. "Being with you." We were close to twenty, weren't we?

"Why don't you want to move in with me?"

Oh, shit. His hand was still under my chin, and I couldn't look away. He met my eyes; his were soft and comforting and curious. I took a deep breath and licked my lips.

"Can I pass?"

He sighed and looked at his watch. "We need to leave anyway."

I was so relieved when he let me pull away and stand up. I knew if I told him why I was hesitant to move in with him, he'd dismiss all of my worries and tell me all the reasons why I should just do it. He stood up with me and helped to clean up the mess from breakfast. Lunch; whatever. Once everything was cleaned up, we left to go to the second appointment.

Neither of us said anything on the way. I hoped he wasn't mad at me. I knew how he worked when it came to trying to take care of me, and there was no doubt in my mind that he would do pretty much anything and sacrifice pretty much anything if he thought it was what I needed. I loved him so much more for his desire to make sure I was okay, but I just couldn't let him do that to himself.

When we reached the office, Jake put his arm around my shoulders again and led me inside.

Dr. May's office was a lot smaller than Dr. West's had been, and it seemed a lot more comfortable. The receptionist's desk sat in the far corner next to a huge fern-like plant. There was a small window behind the plant that let a little bit of light in. The receptionist looked up from a book and smiled at us.

"How can I help you today?" she asked.

"We have an appointment with Dr. May for Renesmee Masen," Jake said with a smile.

The lady nodded and wrote something in a ledger before she got up and opened a door to her right. I heard her voice but couldn't make out what she was saying. She turned back to us and smiled again.

"You can go on in."

Jake nodded his thanks and led me around the desk to the other room. The inside of the room looked more like a living room than an office. There was a pretty tan rug with a leaf design on it in the middle, and three large, cushiony chairs sat around it. There was also a couch, but it sat against the wall like it wasn't part of the set. There was a large window behind the couch that let a lot of the light in, and I noticed some heavy curtains that had been pulled back. I was relieved to see them and hoped Dr. May wouldn't be opposed to closing them for a while.

Jake's arm tightened around me, and I realized that I hadn't even acknowledged the doctor yet. I looked up and smiled at a man who looked in his early thirties with chocolate brown hair and a well-trimmed beard. His eyes were blue behind a pair of thick glasses. He smiled and held out his hand for me.

"Hi, you must be Renesmee. My name is Doctor Bruce May. How are you today?"

I shook his hand and smiled back. "I'm okay. This is my boyfriend, Jacob; is it okay if he stays with me?"

Jake's arm relaxed when the doctor nodded. "Of course; whatever makes you most comfortable. Why don't you have a seat, and we can begin."

Dr. May gestured to the chairs, but I really didn't want to be that far from Jake. I looked up at him. "Can we use the couch?"

Jake cast a glance over at the doctor and nodded. "I don't see why we couldn't." He turned to Dr. May. "She wants to use the couch."

Dr. May looked between us for a few seconds longer than necessary and nodded. "Sure; I'll just bring one of these chairs over there and that'll be just fine."

Jake nodded and led me to the couch. He stopped just before I could get in the path of the sunlight coming in. "Can we close the curtains?" he asked before I could. "She has photosensitivity."

Dr. May nodded. "Of course." He pulled the curtains together and turned on two of the lamps in the room.

We sat down, and I tried to get as close to Jake as possible before I leaned in and put my head on his shoulder. Dr. May sat down in front of us with a clipboard and a pen. "So, Renesmee. Tell me a little about yourself. Why are you seeking counseling?"

I licked my lips and reached out for Jake's hand that wasn't still around me. He gave it to me, and I held tightly as I decided what to say. "Um, well, I . . . " I looked up at Jake, not sure what to say. Do I start by telling him about my dad, my breakdowns, or just my age and general stuff?

Jake cleared his throat and squeezed my fingers. "We're not really sure what it is she needs help with. Her father passed away two years ago, and she's been unable to move on." His arm tightened around me again, and I stared at his fingers as I tried really hard to concentrate on this moment. The thought of telling someone else about my dad hurt so badly, though. Tears welled in my eyes, but I wasn't even sure why. I had known I'd have to talk about it. Why did it surprise me when it hurt?

"What exactly do you mean by unable to move on? And if you don't mind, I'd like her to answer."

Jake stiffened a little beside me. I sort of understood why Dr. May wanted me to answer, but I wasn't thrilled with it either. I just didn't know what to say.

I licked my lips again and tried to take a deep breath. I felt like my lungs were restricted; I couldn't get a deep enough breath.

"It hurts to think about him," I said quietly. "All the time."

Dr. May nodded again. "That's not abnormal. It's very normal to feel pain when we lose someone close to us."

Jake shook his head. "It's normal, but not for two years. I've known her a little over three months. She's gotten a lot better, but she can't do anything that reminds her of him. She can't even talk about him very much. If she does, she breaks down. She cries a lot."

It hurt in a strange way to hear Jake talk about my breakdowns like that. I turned my head to put my face on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Tell me more about these breakdowns. What exactly happens, and what brings them on?"

I sighed. Jacob started to answer. "It's generally thoughts ab―"

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to cut you off; however, I need to hear this from her. These are things occurring in her own mind, and I need to hear her firsthand account. Please, Renesmee, go ahead."

I looked up at Jacob, and he didn't seem pleased. I kissed his shoulder and squeezed his fingers before I turned to the doctor.

"Um, it's thoughts about him. Memories. Sometimes . . . Um, sometimes little things can trigger it. Like the other day, Jake gave me his phone to make a call, and I remembered so many things. It can be big things, too, like hearing his name or seeing someone that looks like him. My heart hurts, and I can't breathe." Even now, it was getting hard to breathe. I held Jake's hand tighter and told myself to just keep breathing.

"What were the circumstances of his death?"

I'd only ever talked about that once with Jake. I wasn't sure I could say it all again. I looked up and met Jake's eyes. He looked worried, and it made me wonder what he saw in mine.

I leaned my head on his shoulder again and closed my eyes. "We, um . . . We got into a fight." Memories of that day flooded my mind, and my chest started to get too heavy to breathe. My free hand grabbed the back of Jacob's shirt and held on firmly while my hand in his clenched tighter. "I left―" The words 'fuck you' and the look of pained surprise on my dad's face hurt so bad I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't breathe anymore. I realized that tears has already started to fall when moved my face and felt the wetness on Jake's sleeve. His arm was tight around me, but I could barely feel it. I tried so hard to keep myself together. I didn't want to fall apart like this. At the same time, some deeply-hidden part of me was happy for the tears and the weight and the pain. The dull-but-persistent pain I'd had when I got the junk mail seemed laughable now.

"This happens," Jake said. He sounded far away even though he was right under me. "Whenever she thinks about him. She left in the middle of a fight, then he went for a drive and got in an accident. She was called later that day to identify his body."

I wished so badly I could be at home with Jake on my couch. I didn't want a stranger to see me cry like this.

"Is it all memories, or only certain ones?" Dr. May's voice was distant, and I couldn't even be sure I heard the whole question.

I still remembered so vividly the empty look in my dad's eyes when I saw him at the hospital. Jake leaned in and kissed my head. "Could you give us a few minutes?" he asked.

"This is very important. In order to properly diagnose her, I need her to answer my question."

"Look at her," Jake said. His voice was harder; he was struggling to keep himself under control. "Does it look or sound like she's able to answer any questions? Give us a few minutes to let her calm down."

"It will be easier for me if I can see her breakdown firsthand." Even though I couldn't see the doctor, his voice sounded like a curious bystander trying to see the accident.

As out of it as I was, I could still tell the only thing keeping Jake in his seat was the fact that he would have to push me away to get up. I gripped his shirt and his hand harder, desperate to keep him right here. I needed him to hold me tighter.

"I will ask you nicely one last time, _Doctor_." Jake's voice was dripping with animosity. I hated that I couldn't keep myself together long enough to have just one consultation. "Leave us alone for a few minutes and let me calm her down."

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths, even though I still couldn't really feel them. Jake's hand was holding mine a little too tightly, but I clung to that slight pain as I tried to work my way back to normal.

"You have a lot of aggression, Jacob. Even though you made the appointment for her to come here, and you obviously agree that she needs to be seen, you won't let me do my job."

"Yes, I have a lot of fucking aggression. You're pissing me off. She needs to be treated, not observed and studied like a goddamn experiment. Either you haven't seen a lot of people with her type of issues, or you're just naturally an ass. Either way, I'm not going to let you do this to her."

I didn't want to talk to this man anymore, especially if he got on Jacob's nerves so much. If I wanted future sessions to be a success, it had to be someone we could both get along with.

"Do what to her exactly? I am trying to determine what she needs to be seen for."

"I'm not an idiot. I saw your face after she told you about her breakdowns; you know exactly what this is. You just wanted to see for yourself how bad it was."

"I'll admit that I'm curious. I have seen many patients with PTSD, but never with this severe a case from a mental trauma."

"What the hell is PTSD?" Jacob shifted his hold on me, pulling me on to his lap. It was getting easier to breathe and move, so I helped him and situated myself so I could put my face by his neck.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those who are affected generally suffer from anxiety attacks when they encounter stimuli that remind them of the traumatic event. It is most common with car accidents, plane crashes, and other physically traumatic experiences, but it can happen with experiences that are mentally traumatic as well."

Jake looked down at me, and I moved so I could meet his eyes. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I think so." I sniffled and wiped my nose on my arm. Jake looked up for a second and reached out to get whatever the doctor had handed him. He gave me a box of tissue and smiled. I took it gratefully and kissed his cheek. "Thanks."

Jake just nodded and kissed my forehead. He turned his attention back to Dr. May. "So it can happen after someone dies?"

"Yes. Painful events affect every person differently. What may be traumatic to one person could be nothing to another. In her case, it seems the death was sudden and unexpected, which would be considered a distressing event to many people. How long does an episode usually last?"

An episode? Was I crazy now? I sniffled again and took a deep breath. "It depends. Anywhere from five to thirty minutes, I guess."

I looked over to see the doctor nodding. "Okay. And does it seem to be dependent on what triggers the episode?"

I nodded without saying anything else. I really wanted to go home. I looked up at Jake, and he kissed my lips.

"Do you think you'll be able to help her?"

"I can certainly do my best. I don't have any spots open for a full-time patient at the moment, but I will look through my calendar and see where I can fit you in. I'd like to learn more about these episodes and their triggers."

Jake pursed his lips but didn't say anything. He pushed my back gently, and I climbed off of him, standing up next to Dr. May. Jake stood up and held out his hand.

"It's been nice talking with you, Doctor. We do have other therapists we're looking in to, but I would appreciate it if you would check your calendar."

Dr. May shook Jake's hand, then he turned to me. "It's been a pleasure talking with you, Renesmee. I hope to see you again soon."

I tried hard to keep the bitterness out of my smile as I shook his hand and turned to Jake. If I had a say in it, I would not be coming back here.

We left to go back to my place for a few minutes before Jake had to go to Leah's. Jake turned to me before he stared the car. "I'm sorry, Ness. Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm okay. I don't know if I really like him, though."

He smirked. "I didn't. He's an ass, and I'm sorry about that. I really didn't think a therapist would push for a breakdown like that. But, I can say that I'm happy he seemed to know what's going on. It'll help a little when we talk to the other therapists."

I nodded again and leaned over for a kiss. Jake met me halfway and kissed my lips. When we got to my house, Jake came in and hugged me tightly. "You'll be okay?" he asked.

"I'll be fine. I'm probably going to read for a while. Maybe finish some laundry." I shrugged.

He nodded and kissed my forehead. As he started to pull away, his phone rang. His brow furrowed as he dug it out of his pocket. "Hey, Leah, what's up?" He turned slightly, and I just admired his neck, shoulders, and back for a minute. "No, I'm still here with her. Why?"

I raised an eyebrow. Was she asking about me?

"I can ask her, but—Okay, I just said I can ask her. Hang on." He turned to me and let the hand holding the phone drop down by his waist. "Leah wants to know if you'd like to go with me. I guess she wants to talk to you about something."

I licked my lips. I couldn't think of anything Leah could want to talk to me about. I did want to have more time with Jake, though, so I nodded. "Sure."

He nodded and kissed my head before he held the phone up again. "Yeah, she'll come. See you in few."

He hung up and put the phone in his pocket. "Well, I guess reading and laundry can wait. You ready?"

I smiled and took his hand. He kissed me one more time, and we left again.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!


	26. Natural Life

A/N: I'm so stinking excited about this chapter. I loved reading everyone's guesses about what Leah wants to talk to Nessie about. I'd like to hear your thoughts about what actually happens! Things are about to pick up big time, and this chapter kind of gets the ball rolling.

I probably don't need to say this anymore, but I own nothing.

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Five

Natural Life

_You're right; I can never lie  
Let me go try to find a home  
I can't wait—try to stay awake  
Dead inside, bothered by the lie  
You're right . . ._

-Natural Life – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

"What does she want to talk to me about?" I asked Jake as he drove to Leah's.

He shrugged and glanced at me. "I don't know. I'd bet it has something to do with the wedding, though."

I licked my lips and nodded. Even though I tried to let it go, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd already been invited to the wedding, but maybe she wanted me to do something for her. If it wasn't about the wedding, there were so many possibilities, I'd actually worked myself up to almost worried by the time Jake pulled up to Leah's house.

"You okay, Ness?" he asked before we got out.

I nodded. "Yeah; just trying to figure out what she wants."

He smiled. "Don't worry about it, okay? She's not going to hurt you."

I laughed. Of course she wouldn't hurt me. Physically. Leah was a very straightforward person, though, and sometimes I just didn't know how to take some of the things she said and did. It was difficult to know when she was joking and when she was serious.

We walked up to the house, and Jake knocked twice before he just opened the door. "Leah, we're here," he called.

Leah came around the corner with a smile. "Hi, guys. Come on in. I'm just getting some stuff together, but I'll meet you in the basement in a second." She disappeared around the corner again. I looked up at Jake. He shrugged and led the way down the stairs.

There was a table set up in the middle of the room where we'd watched movies, and it had several different flower arrangements set up. Jake groaned.

"What?" I looked up at him.

He laughed, but it didn't seem like he thought anything was funny. "Flowers."

"Yeah?" I touched a tulip as I leaned in to smell it. I frowned a little when I realized it wasn't real. "They're pretty."

"I guess. I really don't want to help her pick out _flowers_."

I looked back at him with a smile. "Well, maybe this was what she wanted me for."

He chuckled and touched my back. "I can only hope."

A few minutes later, Leah came down the stairs and waltzed into the room. "Okay! Who's ready to get to work? Jake, please, _please_ tell me you're willing to help? I need male perspective on these things. I can't trust myself anymore. I actually wanted to pick out pink chiffon the other day. I don't even know what chiffon is; it just sounded pretty."

She set two more bouquets on the table and looked up at him with wide, dark eyes. Jacob laughed. "I'm here, aren't I?"

She skipped around the table and hugged him. I was surprised by a flutter of jealousy, but I was able to squish it easily. Leah was his friend, and she already had a fiancé. No need to be worried about that.

"Thank you." She pulled back from him and turned to the table. "Which ones do you like best?"

He shrugged. "They're all weeds anyway."

I narrowed my eyes. "They're not weeds, Jake; they're flowers."

He looked over at me. "They're just nice-looking weeds."

I rolled my eyes. Men. "I like the tulips best."

Leah nodded. "I like those, too. But then the roses are gorgeous. And I really like the red and pink lilies." She sighed.

I stepped up closer to the table, beside Leah. "You could mix and match to make your own bouquet. Use the tulips, roses, and lilies."

She looked at me uncertainly. "I know I _could_, but that would look weird."

"Not if you did it right."

She pursed her lips. "All right, Flower Guru. Show me how it's done." She stepped back and gestured for me to play with the flowers.

I glanced at Jake. He gave me a look that said I'd gotten myself into this, I get myself out. I swallowed and turned back to the flowers. I started with the tulips, since I liked them the most. There were three different colors, so I loaded up on four white ones, two purple, and two yellow. Then I picked out three pink roses and made sure that they had at least one tulip separating them. When I had those ready, I picked out two lilies and arranged them among the others. It didn't look right. It was pretty, but it needed something else. I looked over the flowers on the table, trying to decide what would make it complete. I pursed my lips and carefully picked out four things of baby's breath, putting them throughout the bouquet. I smiled to myself; it was done.

"What do you think?" I asked as I turned to Leah. She quirked an eyebrow and looked over the flowers. I glanced at Jake, and I swear he looked proud.

"I think I like it," Leah said, nodding. "I have a ribbon we can tie it with." She got the ribbon, and I held the flowers while she tied it around the stems. When it was tied, she took the bouquet and smiled at it as she set it aside. "Do you think you could make like four or five little bouquets for the tables?" she asked.

I nodded. "Sure. Do you want them with the same flowers?"

She shrugged. "Whatever you want to use is fine. I trust your judgment." She kissed my cheek and handed the roll of ribbon to me. She turned to Jake and clapped her hands together. "You were spared of the weeds, but I need you upstairs."

He chuckled and came up to kiss my head. "Thanks, Ness. I'll be back in a bit, okay? You're okay with this?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine with this. You go do other stuff upstairs." I stood on my toes and kissed him. As Jake and Leah went upstairs, I got to work on the table bouquets. I decided to use the roses since Leah said she liked them the best, and I mixed them with smaller flowers like geraniums and pansies to make a smaller bouquet. I'd done three of the bouquets when I heard someone come down the stairs. I peeked over my shoulder, a little surprised to see Leah.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

I smiled and held up the flowers I was tying together. "Doing great. I'm almost done; just two more to do."

She nodded and looked over the ones I'd already done. "These are beautiful. Thank you so much for all your help."

I nodded. "You're welcome. Where's Jake?"

She smiled. "He's upstairs picking out hors d'oeuvres. I think he's happy that he gets to work on food."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess."

She leaned back against the table and sighed. My heart rate picked up, and I got nervous. I had a feeling that she was about to bring up whatever it was she'd wanted to talk to me about.

"So how are you and Jake doing?" she asked, looking down at the floor.

I shrugged, not sure she could see it. "We're doing okay."

She looked up at me. "I hear you're going to start therapy soon?"

My fingers stopped on the flowers I was holding. "Jake told you about that?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to be upset or not. I knew Jake talked to Leah a lot, and that they talked about me, but wasn't that a little personal?

She nodded. "Yeah. I think it's great, you know. He really cares about you." I nodded. I knew he cared about me, but why would he talk to her about that? "He just wants you to be happy and healthy. He knows that if they can help you, you'll be able to think about your dad and everything without freaking out."

Freaking out? Was that what Jake had said; that I 'freak out' when I thought about my dad? My stomach hurt, and I felt tears in my eyes. I just nodded again and turned to the table, trying really hard to keep the tears from falling. I couldn't really say why it hurt so badly.

"What's wrong?" Leah asked.

I shook my head and picked out two more pansies. She put her hands on mine, and I looked up to meet her eyes. She looked really concerned. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

I shook my head again. "No, it's fine. I do freak out. I just didn't know he said it like that."

I was confused when she pulled me into a hug. "He doesn't, Ness. He doesn't say it like that. I just don't know how to be sensitive sometimes, and I'm sorry."

I was a little relieved. "I guess I'm just overly sensitive. It's okay." I patted her back. She squeezed me lightly before she stepped back.

"Okay. What I really wanted to talk to you about actually has nothing to do with you and therapy. I want to talk to you about Jake and therapy."

I sniffled and raised my eyebrow. "Jake and therapy? I don't think he's going. I mean, he'll be there with me, but he hasn't said anything about going for himself."

She nodded. "I know, but that's what this is about. I want you to talk to him about it. He wants you to go so you'll be happy and comfortable, right? Well, right now he's just taking medicine that makes him calm some of the time. If he saw someone, there's a really good chance he'd be happy and comfortable all the time. Yeah, he'd still have issues because he's still bipolar, but the same would be with you. You'll probably still have times when you cry like before, but you'll be okay. I want Jake to be okay, and I know you do, too."

I did want Jake to be okay. "So the medicine he takes doesn't really help?" I was confused; it seemed to help.

"Well, yeah, it helps. It keeps him from being so angry all the time that he hurts himself or other people. But even with the medicine, he's upset. I'm not saying that therapy alone would cure everything; he probably does still need medicine. But his doctor is just prescribing whatever sounds good. I doubt he even knows what he's prescribing. A therapist would talk to him, find out what exactly he needs, and go from there. He wouldn't just reach in a hat for the next medication. Think about it, Nessie. He needs to go."

The thought of Jake taking something that even the doctor couldn't explain made me nervous. It did seem to help, but it was still scary. "Have you talked to him about it?"

She sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I have. He won't listen to me. He had one bad experience with a therapist and won't go back."

I furrowed my brow. "He's only told me about one therapist, when he was first diagnosed."

"Yeah, that was his bad experience. He told me about it, and I can't really blame him. The woman put him through anger management, but instead of encouraging him, she was disappointed when he didn't show results right away."

I nodded. "So you want me to talk to him? Why would he listen to me if he won't listen to you?"

She smiled. "Because he loves you, and he would do it for you if you ask him. I'm not saying you won't have to ask a few times, or that he won't fight you, but if you beg him, he'll do it. Tell him you won't go unless he does."

I couldn't do that to him. Not after I'd already said I'd go. And even if I did, he'd find some way around it. I was sure of it. "I'll talk to him about it, but I won't tell him that."

She hugged me again. "Thank you, Nessie. I know he'll do it for you."

I hoped so, because just like Jake wanted me to be happy, I wanted him to be happy. Just as Leah was pulling away, we heard footsteps on the stairs. She pulled back and started looking over the bouquet's I'd already finished. I took the hint and picked out a few more flowers to finish the one I had in my hand.

"You guys still down here?" Jake asked. "I finished what you wanted me to do. Why the fuck do you think you need that much food?"

"For the guests, of course," Leah laughed.

Jake looked between us for a second. I tried really hard to make it look like I wasn't hiding anything. "What's going on? You two look weird."

Leah turned around and hugged me again, this time from behind me. I was surprised. "We were making out. It was hot. You missed it all." My eyes widened, and I turned to see her face. She winked at me and kissed my cheek before she pulled away.

Jake chuckled and went to sit on the couch. "Dammit. That would have been _hot_."

I blushed and hurried to finish the last bouquet. When it was done, I turned to Leah. "Do you need me to do any more?"

She shook her head as she started to put the flowers in a box. "Nope, that's all I needed for today. Thank you both for your help; it got done faster than I thought it would."

I nodded and went over to Jake. He got up before I could sit down and put his arm around my shoulders. "Anytime, Leah. You sure you're done with us?"

She smiled and walked over to hug him. "I'm sure. I'll see what else needs to be done and probably call you in a few days."

He laughed and kissed her head. I tried not to narrow my eyes. "'Kay." He looked down at me. "You ready to go?"

I nodded and hugged Leah quickly, then we left. As soon as we were in the car and out of the driveway, Jake looked over at me. "So what were you and Leah talking about?" he asked.

I tried to look like I wasn't lying. "Nothing much. I showed her what I'd done with the flowers, and she told me that she liked them." I stared at my hands as I spoke, knowing he'd catch me if I looked at him.

"Hmm. Okay." It was plain in his voice that he didn't believe me. He was probably going to drag it out of me, and I didn't mind telling him once we got back to my house. He was quiet as he drove, and I didn't feel any pressing need to break the silence. I tried to think of how I would bring everything up. I had a few ideas, but I hadn't decided on anything when we got back.

Jake came in with me and shut the door behind him. "How are you doing?" he asked as he pulled me into a hug.

"I'm okay." I hugged him tightly.

"What did you and Leah talk about?"

I sighed and looked up at him. "It's just eating at you not knowing, isn't it?" I smiled.

He smirked and kissed me. "I just know how Leah is, and I want to make sure I don't need to chew her out for anything."

I nodded. If he didn't want to listen to Leah when she talked about therapy, he probably wouldn't be very happy that she'd talked to me about it. "Well, she said she was happy that I was going to be starting therapy. I was a little surprised that she knew about that."

He ran his fingers through my hair. "I talk to her about everything. I always have. I'm sorry if it upset you."

I shook my head. "No, I'm okay. I don't mind; it was just surprising."

He kissed my forehead. "Okay. Did she say anything else?"

I swallowed. "Yeah, kind of. Um, could we sit down?"

His brow furrowed, but he nodded and sat down on the couch. I sat next to him and licked my lips. "So what did she say?"

"Well, um . . . she asked me to talk to you about something." I looked up at him, and I swear his eyes darkened.

"About what?" It was subtle, but his voice was just a little bit harder, too.

I took a deep breath. "About therapy. She wants you to go, too."

He sighed and shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Okay, what if I said I want you to go, too?"

He met my eyes for a second. "I will be going with you, Nessie. You know that."

I licked my lips again and turned my body to see him better. "I know, Jake. But you want me to go so I can be happy, right? If they can help me, I won't have such a hard time remembering my dad and all that. What if they can help you, too? She told me that the doctor just gives you medicine without really knowing what it is. That's not very healthy."

His jaw was clenched, and he was breathing heavier than usual. "I can't believe this shit."

"Jake, please. Don't take it out on her. If I didn't think it was a good idea, I wouldn't have brought it up. I would have told her I wasn't going to talk to you about it. But I do think it's a good idea, and I think you should consider it."

"Why, Nessie? My doctor is fine." He pulled away from me, clearly angry. He leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees. His fingers clasped together, and he stared at them as he spoke again. "I don't need a fucking shrink."

Something inside me bristled when he said that. I wasn't sure if it was because he was denying his need for some kind of help with his anger when he was so angry, or if it was because he thought I needed a 'fucking shrink' when he didn't.

"Listen to yourself, Jake," I said, leaning forward. "You're angry right now."

He looked up and met my eyes. "Yes, I _am_ angry right now, Nessie. I'm pissed off because I've talked to Leah about this and she knows where I stand. She knows I'm not going back. They can't do shit for me anyway. It pisses me off that she went to you to get to me."

"She's just concerned about you."

He sighed. "She doesn't need to be. I'm fine."

I closed my eyes for a second to try to gather my thoughts. "What if I told you that I'm asking you because _I_ want you to go? Not because of Leah, but because of me?"

I opened my eyes to see him shaking his head. "It has everything to do with Leah. If she hadn't stuck her nose where it doesn't belong, you wouldn't even be asking me. I don't need to see anyone, Ness. I'm fine."

He could say he was fine until he was blue in the face, but the fact was that he was getting upset just because Leah asked me to talk to him. I wasn't sure if that would ever stop, but I could have hope that he'd be happier. "I know you think you're fine, but what if they could help you more? At least give you medicine that they know something about. Leah told me why you don't want to go, and I think that's silly. If I went based on the first therapist we saw, I'd never go to anyone. You know that not everyone is the same. There's got to be someone out there who can help you."

"If I agree to think about it, will you back the fuck off?"

I sat back, surprised. I felt a hard tug in my chest, and my stomach hurt. "If you really want me to back the fuck off, Jake, I will. But you just remember all those times you asked me to think about something and I did it for you." I didn't understand why he could ask me to consider something, but I couldn't ask him.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds before he met my eyes again. "Fine. I'll think about it. I really will think about it, Ness, but on one condition."

I swallowed. "What's that?"

"Move in with me."

I couldn't really react for a second. I should have known that would be his condition. Didn't he understand that I couldn't do that? "Jake, I—"

"If you want me to even think about this, Nessie, you have to agree to move in with me."

I stood up. "I can't do that. I _won't_ do that to you. I really wish you would stop being so unfair."

He stood up with me. "How am I being unfair? You're the one that brought up the things I've asked you to consider. I've given you plenty of time to think about moving in with me. Unless you can give me a damn good reason why you can't, then that is my condition for therapy."

If he wanted reasons, I would give him reasons. I was so upset I didn't care that he was going to dismiss everything I was about to say. "I can give you several good reasons. I love you too much to let you do that. You should know by now that I'm not the easiest person to live with. All of your windows have to be blocked all the time, and I won't be able to help with any yard work. I can't cook worth shit. I can clean, but that's pretty much it. You'll get sick of me, Jake." Why in the world would he want to share his house with me?

"That's bullshit. None of those are good reasons, and we've already been over this. I'm not going to get sick of you. For the love of God, please stop being difficult and just understand that I want to help you and take care of you because I love you." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

I sniffled. He'd put my options in front of me, and now I had to choose. If I gave in, he would think about going to therapy. I didn't like that. "If I agree to move in with you, I want you to do more than just think about going to therapy. I want you to really look into it like I am. Talk to the people we go to see with me."

"Okay. You move in with me, and I see a shrink with you."

I sighed. I didn't like this. "Okay."

He smiled. "Really?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

He pulled me into a tight hug. "Don't act like it's the worst thing in the world, Ness, please? Would you rather be homeless than live with me?"

I looked up at him. "No, Jake, that's not it at all. I love you, and I do want to be with you . . . I'm just scared."

He nodded and kissed my forehead. "I know. It's okay to be scared, baby, but you need to trust me, okay? I'm not going to get sick of you or ask you to leave. Ever. Okay?"

I wanted so badly to believe him. I sniffled and put my forehead on his chest. "I'll try."

He leaned down, and I felt him nod against my hair. "Thank you."

* * *

A/N: Sooo . . . what did ya think? Thanks so much for reading!


	27. Water

A/N: I love you all! You're the best readers ever, seriously. I'm seeing some interesting things in the reviews. I know I probably say it a lot, but I absolutely love how invested my readers are in these characters. A lot of you are seeing just how screwed up they are, and I *love* it!

Ready to hear from Jake again? Once again we have a monster chapter, lol. Enjoy! And I don't own anything.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Six

Water

_What did you mean when you said no?  
I only want what is best for you  
I won't never let you drown  
No I won't ever let you down_

-Water – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Jacob**_

In all the time I'd known Leah, I could honestly say that I'd never been so pissed off and grateful to her at the same time. Although she'd gone behind my back and got Nessie—the one person I really couldn't say no to—to talk me in to going to therapy, she'd given me what I needed to get Nessie to move in with me.

Truthfully, if Nessie had told me that she'd rather live anywhere than with me, I would have found something else for her. I'd help her find a job somewhere and get her into an apartment somehow. But she never said that. She only came up with reasons why I shouldn't want her to live with me. She said I'd get sick of her. I was bound and determined to prove to her one way or another that I was never going anywhere. Until the day she decided _she_ was done with _me_, I'd be there.

Before I went home on Tuesday, I made sure we had a plan to start moving her in early the next week. I didn't want to wait until the last second and forget something or have to leave something behind. I didn't have a ton of room, but I had enough to fit her and her things. If we had to, we'd put some stuff in the shed. She said she'd start going through things while I was working, but I told her I'd be happy to be there with her if she wanted. I couldn't take any time off that week, but I'd get Sunday and Monday off so we'd have three full days to get it all done.

Wednesday at work, I had to give Leah some shit. Regardless of whether Nessie was moving in with me, she'd really pushed it that time. I kind of had to admit it was smart; she knew how to get what she wanted. But still. When I pulled up to the site, Leah was waiting for me. I glared at her, but didn't say anything as we walked in and started to get ready. I took my shirt off and ignored her when she asked me how I was doing.

"Can I assume Nessie talked to you yesterday?" she asked as we walked into the building. Only another six weeks or so, and it would be done. I was looking forward to a change. I grunted and nodded but didn't say anything else. Leah sighed. "And? What happened?"

I chose not to say anything for a while. I knew she would see that I wasn't really pissed. If I was really pissed, I'd be ripping her head off right about now. I just had to play with her, though.

I talked to the foreman about getting the days off to move Nessie. He scowled at me and really pushed my patience, but he gave me what I wanted.

Leah cornered me when we went on lunch. "So are you going to see someone or not?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

I shrugged. "I guess so."

She smiled and smacked my arm. "I knew she'd get to you. What did she say?"

"She agreed to move in with me."

Leah raised an eyebrow. "Okay, that's great. But what did she say to get you to go?"

I laughed and patted her shoulder. "She agreed to move in with me."

"I'm confused."

I just smiled and went to get my lunch. "Good."

She followed me, clearly peeved. "No, not good. Will you tell me what happened, please?"

I let her stew a few more minutes while I took a couple bites of my sandwich. Finally, I put her out of her misery. "She told me that you talked to her, and I vowed to kill you." I paused for a minute to take another bite. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Then she told me that _she_ wanted me to go, because apparently you convinced her. I told her I'd go, but she had to move in with me. She agreed, so we both get what we want."

She furrowed her brow. "You told her you'd only do it if she moved in with you?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You know I've been asking her for a while."

She shook her head and sighed. "You're a jerk, you know." It was obvious from her tone that she was upset.

I furrowed my brow. "Why?"

"Maybe she really wanted you to go, Jake. Yeah, I talked to her, but maybe she really thought it would help you. She asks you do something, and you fucking use it to get what you want."

I put the uneaten half of my sandwich down and turned to her. "And you didn't use her?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not her boyfriend. And no, I didn't use her. I asked her to talk to you since you refuse to listen to a damn word I say."

"Stay the fuck out of it, Leah. You could be happy that she's not going to be homeless."

"Whatever, Jake." She shook her head and walked away. I let her go. We could both use some time to cool off, and I'd catch her after work anyway.

Leah just didn't understand. She didn't know Nessie like I did. I could admit it was manipulative, and I probably could have been a little more sensitive, but Leah had no reason to be so upset. If Nessie really didn't want to live with me, she would have said so. I hoped.

I pushed a sliver of doubt away and went back to work. It was difficult to really forget about it. Nessie had given in to me and what I wanted so many times. This was different, though. And she was getting so much better at telling me when I was pushing it or taking over when she didn't want me to. Then again, when she got upset before, she hadn't ever been asking me to do anything. Fuck, I was confused.

By the time work was finally over, I'd decided to suck up my pride and talk to Leah. I tucked my tail between my legs and walked up to her. She was obviously still upset; she didn't really look at me as she put things away.

"Hey," I said as I tugged my shirt on. I rubbed the back of my neck as she glared a dagger or two in my direction and continued what she was doing. I leaned over to help her. "You're right. I'm a jerk."

She huffed and nodded. "Yeah."

I ran my fingers through my hair and got some other things to put up. She finished what she was doing and stood up straight to cross her arms over her chest. "Are you going to listen to me this time, or just tell me to fuck off again?"

I held my hands out in a gesture of surrender. "I'm listening this time."

She narrowed her eyes at me and started to walk away. I turned to go after her and realized she was walking to my car. We got in, and I started it.

"You do realize that I care about her, too, right?" Leah asked. Her arms were crossed again. I nodded. "Did you ever think that maybe she had a reason for saying no when you asked her to move in before?"

"Yes, but I asked her why. She told me she wasn't an easy person to live with, she can't cook, my windows have to be covered, and she can't help with yard work. She never gave me any reasons why she didn't want to live with me."

Leah sighed and turned to me. "She's scared, Jake."

"Well, yeah, I get that. But she doesn't need to be. I'm not going anywhere."

Leah laughed and shook her head. "Okay, I realize that I'm not exactly a feminine woman. I'm not known for being sensitive and caring. Has she ever had a relationship before you?" The dickhead she'd attempted to date before didn't count in my book, so I shook my head. "And she's twenty. You'll be twenty-six in less than two months. Not even going into all of her other issues, that'd be enough to scare any girl. You're still not fucking her yet?"

I furrowed my brow. "No, why?"

"Have you told her that moving in with you doesn't mean she has to sleep with you?"

Her question surprised me. The most we'd ever actually talked about sex was when she said she wasn't ready, and I went ahead and kept doing what I was doing. I did try to make sure she knew I wasn't going to push her for that, though. "No, but―"

"But nothing. Tell her. Then tell her that no matter what, you love her, and ask her to talk about moving in with you. Don't just ask her why she doesn't want to; ask her why she's scared. Don't be an ass to her, Jake, she doesn't deserve that."

I really felt like an ass. She'd said she was afraid of losing me, and I assumed that was the only thing she was hesitant about. Maybe it was. Fuck if I knew. I really did need to talk to her about it, though. "I will. Thanks, Leah."

She smiled and leaned over to hug me. "You're welcome. Now take me home."

I kissed her head and put the car in gear. I dropped her off at home then went back to my house. I needed to see Nessie, but I had to make sure I had enough time to really talk to her. I also needed to call the other two shrinks on my list. They'd said they were booked up for a general consultation, but now that I knew what Nessie had, maybe they'd find time to see her. And me, I guess. Dammit.

It turned out mentioning 'severe post-traumatic stress disorder' piqued a psychiatrist's interest. Both Dr. Furst and Dr. Burke had been booked when I'd called them before, but they miraculously had time on Saturday after I called them back and explained what Nessie needed to be seen for. I didn't mention myself because I figured I was lucky enough to get her in. I'd talk to them about it when we went to see them. She'd see Dr. Burke first at eleven and Dr. Furst at one. I also made sure beforehand that they would be okay with me sitting in with her. I didn't want to waste a visit if they'd pitch a fit about it.

I figured after the appointments, we'd go back to her house and spend the rest of the day talking about why she was afraid to live with me. I really hoped it was something simple that I could help her through, but something told me it wouldn't be that easy. This was Nessie we were talking about. Things were rarely easy with her. But in the end, it was always worth it.

* * *

I called Nessie on my lunch the next day to let her know about the appointments on Saturday.

"Thank you, Jake," she said.

I smiled to myself. "You're welcome, Ness. I didn't tell them about me over the phone, but I will talk to them."

She took a deep breath. "That really means a lot to me."

"Sure. After the appointments, we can have the rest of the day together, okay?" I was getting more eager to talk to her. I'd had a lot of time to think about everything that had happened Tuesday night. I'd been really upset at the time, and didn't even stop to think about how what I said would affect her.

"I'd like that. I love you."

"Love you, too. I gotta get back to work, babe."

"Okay. I'll see you Saturday."

We hung up, and I went back to what I'd been doing. After work, I went home and thought about where Nessie would stay. I had initially thought she'd stay in my room with me, but after talking to Leah, I wasn't sure she'd feel comfortable with that. I'd gone through my dad's room a month after his death, but I wasn't sure how I felt about her staying there. If she wasn't going to be in my room, though, she'd have to stay there. I sighed and realized I'd just have to let her decide. The most I could do was get everything ready for whichever way she chose.

I spent the rest of that day putting up the curtains I'd gotten a while ago. I was a little surprised by how dark it made the house, but I figured I'd get used to it. I changed the sheets on Dad's old bed because they hadn't been changed in over six months. I'd put a lot of his things in the shed after he died, but I'd never been able to put the pictures away. He had one of my mom next to his bed and three of me on the dresser. I took Mom's picture and the one of me as a baby and put them in the nightstand drawer so they'd be out of sight, but I left the rest alone. I really hoped she didn't decide to stay there.

I finally went to bed around ten o'clock, worn out from the day. Friday wasn't any easier. I went to work, bullshitted with friends, then went home to finish what I'd started on the house the day before. By the time I went to bed, everything was ready to have Ness move in.

Saturday morning, I left to get Nessie at ten-fifteen. She was wearing a blue t-shirt and the dark jeans she'd worn the week before. I kissed her and pulled her in for a tight hug. I really wanted to skip this therapy thing and just talk to her, but I couldn't do that.

"How are you?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I'm okay." She rested her head against my shirt and sighed softly. I wasn't sure if she was really okay and just nervous, or if something was bothering her. I pushed her back a little and made her look up at me. Her eyes were worried, but there was something else there.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I just had kind of a bad night."

My brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" I hoped it wasn't bad like the Friday night she'd called me hyperventilating. It was still difficult sometimes to get the image of her in just a tank top and panties out of my head. I mentally shook myself.

Her eyes closed, and she licked her lips. "I just had a bad dream." She shrugged again.

I smiled to myself, relieved that it was only a dream, and hugged her tightly again. "I'm sorry, baby. You're okay?" She nodded again and squeezed my waist. I kissed the top of her head and pulled back. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just need to get my key." She smiled up at me and went to the kitchen. When she came back, she took my hand, and we left.

Dr. Burke apparently liked windows. The waiting area had one wall made of nothing but glass. It made me nervous, and I made sure Nessie was as far away from it as possible. I just hoped the actual office wasn't as open. I had my arm around her shoulders as we walked up to the receptionist's desk where a young woman with dark blonde hair was playing with a cell phone. She looked up at us and smiled.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"We have an appointment with Dr. Burke for Renesmee Masen." I glanced down at Nessie, and she smiled up at me. I really hoped this guy was better than Dr. May. If Nessie hadn't been breaking down, I would have broken his nose.

"Okay, he's got a patient with him right now, but they should be wrapping it up soon. Go ahead and have a seat, and he should be with you shortly." She gestured to some chairs that were right in the path of the sunlight. I frowned a little, but Nessie tugged on me.

"I'm fine, Jake," she whispered. I sighed and went with her. Luckily, the chairs were facing away from the windows. We sat down, and I tried to make sure the sun didn't touch her arms. She looked up at me, obviously annoyed. "Please stop. I promise I'm okay. I'll let you know if it starts hurting, all right?"

I tried to stop worrying and trust her. "Okay." We only had to wait ten minutes, but my eyes never left her arm that was draped across the seat next to her, bright from the sunlight reflecting off her pale skin. I really wished she wouldn't push it like that.

A door a few feet from the receptionist finally opened, and two men walked out. One with red hair almost the color of Nessie's, and one with brown hair. The red-haired guy smiled at us and walked out while the brown-haired guy talked to the receptionist. I figured that must be Dr. Burke. Nessie watched the man walking out for a second, then turned back to me. Her eyes were sad.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, that guy kind of looked like him."

I smiled and hugged her to me.

Dr. Burke walked over to us. "Hello. Are you Renesmee?" he asked.

Nessie nodded and offered what I assumed was her best smile. Dr. Burke crouched down so he could see her better and held out his hand. "My name is Dr. Gregory Burke." Nessie shook his hand. "How are you today?"

Nessie shrugged. "I'm okay." She looked over at me. "I think I need to get out of the light now."

I got Nessie up as quickly as I could, and Dr. Burke stood up with us. "She has photosensitivity," I told him. "Does your office have a lot of windows?"

He nodded. "Yes, but they can be covered. Come on back."

We went back to his office and he pulled the curtains on the windows. It was really dark for a few seconds before he turned on some lamps. My eyes took a minute to adjust.

"Go ahead and have a seat," Dr. Burke said as he turned on the last lamp. I took Nessie a small loveseat and sat beside her. She leaned into me and kissed my shoulder. Dr. Burke came up and sat down in the chair next to the couch. "You must be Jacob," he said, gesturing to me.

"Yeah, I made the appointment."

He nodded and turned his attention to Nessie. "Okay, well Jacob tells me you have a case of post-traumatic stress disorder? Can you tell me what's going on?"

Nessie licked her lips and looked up at me like she had with Dr. May. She looked so scared and lost. She sat up a little straighter and cleared her throat.

"I, um . . . I lost my dad. He . . . we had a fight, and, um . . ." Her whole body tensed up the way it did before she had a breakdown. I really didn't want to fight with another doctor when I should be comforting her. I tightened my arm around her and wished there was a way I could take her pain, even if it was just long enough to let her get through this consultation. "I left . . ." she was trying so hard to work through it, but it was obvious it wasn't working. I kissed her head and pulled her back to me.

"You left during a fight, and he died?"

I clenched my jaw and hoped for his sake that he didn't push her into a full breakdown. One asshole already got away with that. Nessie nodded against my arm.

"He got into a car accident," I offered.

Dr. Burke looked at me for a second. "I see she's having a hard time talking about it. Does this happen often?"

I didn't really like the way he just decided to talk about her rather than to her. Then again, if it gave her time to calm down, I'd go with it. I rubbed her arm and nodded. "Yes. Memories trigger it a lot. She also saw someone that looked like him a few minutes ago."

He nodded. "What kinds of memories? Are there specific ones, or is it all memories?"

That I didn't know. Nessie had mentioned something about it being big or little things. I looked down at her, and she sniffled as she shook her head slightly. "Not all." Her voice was strained.

"Would you like a few moments?"

I nodded, surprised and impressed. "Yes, please."

He stood up and patted Nessie's shoulder as he walked out of the room. As soon as he was out, I pulled Nessie up on to my lap.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I shook my head and hugged her tightly. "Don't be sorry, Nessie. Please don't be sorry. Are you okay?"

She pushed her face into my neck. "I don't know. So far I like him best."

I smiled and kissed her head. "Me, too. We should at least see Dr. Furst, though."

She nodded. "Yeah. I love you."

I leaned back a little and made her look up at me. She was calming down, and I kissed her lips. "I love you, too."

"You'll ask him about you, right?"

"Yes, when he comes back in." I really didn't want to, but I'd do it for her.

Ten minutes later, Dr. Burke came back in. "How are we doing?" he asked.

Nessie sat up a little. "I'm okay. Thank you."

He sat down in the chair. "You're welcome. Now the point of this consultation is to get to know each other. I learn about you and decide if I'm capable of helping you, and you learn about me and decide if I'm the right therapist for you. Now that I know a little bit about your situation, I can say that I'm more than willing to help. I don't have a lot of experience working with PTSD, but I'm sure we could work out a plan that could help you. Do you have any questions for me?"

Nessie looked over at me for a second before she shook her head. "I don't. Jake?"

I wasn't sure if she was prodding me to talk about myself, or if she was asking if I had any questions. I shook my head. "No, not about her. I, uh, did want to talk to you about something else, though."

He inclined his head a little. "About what?"

I hesitated and glanced at Nessie. She was looking at me expectantly and with hope in her eyes. If I didn't go through with it, she'd be disappointed. And she might back out of her end of the bargain. I still didn't want to say anything. Damn pride. I touched Nessie's cheek and did it anyway.

"I wanted to talk to you about me. I'm, uh . . . I'm bipolar, and I've just been seeing my regular doctor."

Dr. Burke nodded. "I've had a lot of experience working with bipolar individuals. Are you taking medication?"

I nodded. "Yeah, my doctor has me on Trileptal. It's been working, though."

He nodded. "That is good. Have you tried Lithium?"

I squished the rush of anger at the doctor bringing up that medicine. He didn't know. Instead of getting upset, I nodded. "Yeah, I can't take it."

Nessie rested back against me again, her head on my shoulder. I rubbed her arm to stay calm.

Dr. Burke leaned forward, his face betraying his curiosity. "Why's that?"

"I get lightheaded and shaky. I work construction, and I can't be lightheaded and shaky when I'm ten stories up on scaffolding."

He nodded. "Do you know what dose you were taking?"

"It was 900mg with the extended release tablets at first. After I almost got myself killed at work a few times, my doctor took it down to the 600mg regular tablets. That still didn't work."

Nessie lifted her arm around my neck and nuzzled her face into my shirt. I tightened my arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

"It sounds like you had some toxicity. Have you tried a lower dose? It's possible that you are allergic to it, but it's also possible that you just got too much up front."

I sighed and ran my fingers through Nessie's hair. "I haven't tried a lower dose because I can't risk what could happen if I still react the same way. I've told my doctor several times that I won't take it again."

He nodded. "Okay. Well, to really suggest any medication or treatment plan, you'd have to be my patient. Are you interested in being seen?"

I wanted to say no. I nodded instead and hugged Nessie tighter.

"All right. I will see where I can fit you in. I've got another appointment coming in shortly, so why don't you call me Monday and we'll see what we can't do for the both of you."

I nodded again and pushed Nessie gently. She stood up and smiled at Dr. Burke. He held his hand out and we both shook it.

"Thank you, Doctor," I said.

He smiled. "Thank you for coming to see me."

I took Nessie's hand and led the way out of the office. "How's your skin?" I asked as we passed through the waiting room.

She shrugged. "Not bad. It doesn't hurt or anything."

I was glad she hadn't done any damage when she'd put her arm in the sun. "Good. It's about twelve-thirty, so let's go see Dr. Furst, then we can get some lunch and go back to your house, okay?"

She nodded. "Thank you, Jake."

I kissed her before she ducked into the car. Thankfully, Dr. Furst was not as big on windows as Dr. Burke had been. The waiting room was small but comfortable, and the receptionist sat behind a large wooden desk typing something on the computer. I kept my arm around Nessie's shoulders again as we walked up to the desk.

The receptionist was an older, Hispanic-looking woman with a warm smile. "Can I help you?" she asked. She had a thick Spanish accent.

I nodded. "We have an appointment for Renesmee Masen."

She smiled again and picked up a phone to tell the doctor we were there. When she hung up, she turned back to us. "You can go in. It's just through that door." She pointed do a door to her left.

I nodded my thanks and led Nessie through the door. Dr. Furst stood up from a small desk in the corner of the room as we walked in. He was a hair shorter than me with gray hair and brown eyes.

"Welcome," he said brightly. "Come in. I am Dr. Richard Furst." He held out his hand, and I shook it.

"I'm Jake, and this is Renesmee." I gestured to her, and she smiled as she shook his hand.

"Come in and have a seat." The windows had already been covered, and I looked over the curtains as we went to the couch. "My last patient has migraines and asked that the windows be covered," he said as he sat down. "I can open the drapes if you'd like."

Nessie shook her head. "This is actually perfect. I have photosensitivity, so I can't be in the sunlight much."

He nodded. "Okay. So tell me a little about yourself, Renesmee."

She sat up straight and held my hand tightly as she answered. "I, um . . . I guess I have post-traumatic stress disorder? My dad died . . . two years ago." She took a deep breath. It was clear she was really trying to get through this. I squeezed her hand to hopefully reassure her that I was there. "He died after I walked away from a fight." Her voice was strained like she was close to tears.

Dr. Furst nodded. "Okay. It was sudden?"

"Yeah. The hospital called me that night. They said held been in an accident. I didn't realize they meant he died until . . . until I saw his body." She gripped my hand hard and leaned forward. I glanced at Dr. Furst before I leaned forward with her to try to see her face. Her eyes were closed tightly, and she just looked so miserable.

"So you had to identify his body after you walked away from a fight? What was the fight about?"

I had to wonder what that had to do with anything. If Nessie was stronger, she would probably have broken my hand with her grip. I tried to pull her back to me, but she sat up and wiped her face. "About me not going to school. It was my senior year, and I'd graduate anyway."

I really wished she'd let me hold her. She didn't need to try to hold it all back like that.

"The very last thing I said to him was 'fuck you.'" Just the sound of her voice hurt me. She was so close to breaking down, but either she didn't care or she thought she could stop it. "God, the look on his face . . ." She shook her head and leaned forward again. "I'm sorry." I couldn't be sure if she was apologizing for what happened or if she was apologizing to the doctor. I pulled her back, and she let me this time. She curled herself against me and gripped my shirt tightly.

"It sounds like you blame yourself for what happened. Is that correct?"

Nessie nodded into my neck and sucked in a shuddering breath. Before he could say anything else, her whole body convulsed in a hard sob. I held her tighter and kissed her head.

"Could we have a few minutes?" I asked.

Dr. Furst hesitated and pursed his lips. I wouldn't think twice about kicking him if he thought he was going to push her. She was already there; why put her through more?

"Yes, I will step out for a few minutes. After she calms down, we'll see if she has any questions." He stood up and left the room.

I was grateful that he hadn't tried to push her further. When he was out of the room, I pulled her on to my lap and held her tightly. She cried harder, and I wished there was a way to make this pain stop.

It took several minutes, but eventually she was able to breathe again. She sighed and leaned back to wipe her face. "I'm sorry." I shook my head and was going to tell her not to be, but she interrupted me. "It's not okay, Jake. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry again." As she spoke, the door opened. Dr. Furst didn't say anything as he listened to her. "I'm not going to get anywhere if I can't talk. One question about him, and I can't even breathe."

I rubbed her back, hoping to soothe her. "That's why we're here, Ness. I'm sure the doctors understand." I glanced at Dr. Furst, and he smirked.

Nessie sighed. "I know. But it feels so different. When I'm just with you, it's easy. It's okay with you. It doesn't feel okay with anyone else."

That made me feel good, but I wasn't sure if it should. I hugged her and gestured for the doctor to come over. He nodded once and walked over to us. He cleared his throat as he sat down, and Nessie turned to see him.

"It seems that we are dealing with more than just PTSD. Trauma-related guilt is often associated with PTSD, but it is not the same thing. You feel guilty, as if you somehow caused his death. I would treat you for both, as both are equally damaging. Do you have any questions for me?"

She licked her lips and wiped her eyes. "What's the difference between the guilt and the other thing?"

Dr. Furst sat up straighter. "Well, you can have PTSD without trauma-related guilt, and vice versa. PTSD in itself is a defense mechanism taken out of proportion. When you experience something related to the event—or in your case, something that reminds you of your father—that defense mechanism happens to try to prevent further damage.

"Trauma-related guilt is something that can happen after a person experiences a horrific event. A person in a plane crash may experience survivor guilt; he feels guilty because he survived when others did not. A woman who was raped may feel guilty that she didn't do more to stop it at the time of the assault. There are several types, and they can often lead to PTSD. It wouldn't surprise me if this is what happened in your case."

It made sense, and I was happy that he seemed to know what he was talking about. Nessie nodded and sniffled again. "Thank you."

He nodded. "Do you have any other questions?"

She shook her head and looked back at me. I sighed and got ready to do my part. "I don't have any questions about her. I also wanted to talk to you about me."

He nodded again. "Okay?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm bipolar, and I've been seeing my regular doctor for medicine. He's got me on Trileptal."

"Are you looking for more treatment options?"

I looked at Nessie and nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, I would certainly be willing to take you on as a patient. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist for it?"

"Yeah, about five years ago or so. She had me do anger management." And it was a useless load of crap.

Dr. Furst frowned. "Anger management can be used to treat bipolar disorder, but it's generally in conjunction with another form of therapy. Do you tend to have more manic episodes than depressive?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Type I with tendencies of aggression."

"Ah, I see. Anger management alone probably didn't do much for you, then, did it?"

I laughed bitterly. "No." I combed my fingers through Nessie's hair. She shifted closer.

"I would get you on a mood stabilizer as well as the antipsychotic. Have you ever taken Lithium?"

I sighed and went through the talk about Lithium with him. He asked the same things Dr. Burke had asked. Nessie tensed again when I mentioned almost getting myself killed. I guessed she didn't like it when I said that.

"There are other options, and we could explore those. I would also get you on a cognitive behavioral regime to further stabilize your moods. Anger management may be an option once you have your manic episodes under control. Have you been very stable with the Trileptal?"

I thought I was. "I feel better than before. The last medicine I'd been on was Depakote, but I built up a tolerance."

"Yes, unfortunately that is very common with people who have to take an ongoing medicine like that. It's interesting that your doctor would get you on an antipsychotic alone after taking just the mood stabilizer. Do you find that your manic episodes are less frequent?"

"I haven't had one since I started taking this one. It's been a little over three weeks." Three weeks without getting pissed off like before was almost a record.

"And what about depressive? Have you had any aggression toward others; thoughts of doing harm to others or yourself?"

I furrowed my brow. "Sometimes, but no more than normal."

He nodded. "What is normal for you? How many thoughts like that do you normally have in a week?"

What the hell was this guy getting at? "A few, I guess." I rubbed Nessie's back, telling myself to stay calm.

"What usually triggers them?"

I shrugged. "Different things."

He nodded again. "Okay. I would very much like to see you again, Jacob. Do you have any other questions?"

"No." I looked down at Nessie. She looked over at the doctor and shook her head.

Dr. Furst stood up, so Nessie and I got up with him and shook his hand. "I'm booked up for a few weeks, but I'm sure I can work something out to get you both in. I recommend making an appointment as soon as possible."

I nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

He nodded. I took Nessie's hand, and we went out to the waiting room to talk to the receptionist. There we no openings for three weeks, but both Nessie and I left with appointments. I figured we could cancel if we decided to go with Dr. Burke.

"What did you think?" I asked Nessie when we got into the car.

She took a deep breath and smiled at me. "I think I'm scared, but I really did like him. Aside from you, I felt most comfortable with him. Did you like him?"

I was glad we found someone she was at least somewhat comfortable with. "Yeah, he was all right."

"Did you like him or Dr. Burke better?"

I had to think about that for a minute. I started the car and navigated out of the parking lot. "I'm not sure. They were both pretty decent."

She nodded. "I thought Dr. Furst asked better questions."

I smiled and took her hand. "I guess we'll have to see. Are you hungry?" She nodded. "Let's get some lunch."

When we got back to her house, she walked quickly down the hall. She came back rubbing lotion on her arms. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm glad we're home, though. My arms were starting to itch a little."

We sat on the couch, and I rubbed her arm. "You sure you're okay?"

She nodded again, so we dug into the hamburgers we'd picked up. Nessie'd gotten a shake and dipped a few fries in it. I tried not to make a face, but that was just wrong. She must have noticed, because she held up a fry with a glob of her shake threatening to fall into my lap.

"What, you don't like fries and ice cream?"

Thankfully, she ate it before it could drip. "You eat the weirdest things, Ness."

"Fries dipped in a shake is not weird. It's good. You should try it." She held up another one, this time offering it to me.

I shook my head. "No, Thanks. Potatoes and ice cream should not be mixed."

She laughed and took back the offering. "It's deep fried potatoes, Jake. And they most definitely do go together. But if you don't want to expand your mind to see what you're missing, that's your loss." She gave me a sideways glance as she ate another one.

I knew what she was doing, and it wasn't going to work. I just shook my head. She pouted and held out one more. I laughed at the look on her face—her bottom lip was adorable and really fucking sexy—and shook my head again.

She sighed. "Okay. More for me." She gave me another look and seemed to change her tactic. Instead of offering it to me, she got messy. Whether it was on purpose or not, it was genius. The next bite she took dripped on her chin and down to her shirt. She licked her lips as she looked down and wiped her chest with a napkin. Although her shirt wasn't revealing in any way, and she was just cleaning herself off, it was still bordering on obscene how much I liked seeing her touch her tits.

She still had a line of ice cream on her chin, and I didn't really even try to stop myself from leaning in and licking it off for her. She gasped in surprise, but didn't try to pull away. I kissed her lips, and the mixture of sweet from the shake and salty from the fries wasn't terrible. Mixed with Nessie's flavor, it was actually pretty damn good. I kissed her deeper, and she wrapped her arms around my neck. When I finally pulled back, we were both breathing just a little heavier.

"You're right, Ness. It is good."

She blushed and went back to dipping her fries. When we finished eating, we cleaned everything up and went back to the living room. I sat down on the couch, and Nessie licked her lips as she stood in front of me. I reached forward and held her hips. I knew I needed to talk to her, and I would, but who could blame me if I gave in when she wanted to kiss me first?

"Jake?" she leaned forward and put her hands on my shoulders. Her tits were right in front of my face, and I had to really work to keep from kissing them. Instead, I looked up into her eyes. "I love you." she slowly moved her legs so she was straddling me.

"I love you, too." I leaned back when she sat down and carefully eased herself closer. Being here between her legs like this was the best, especially when she pushed herself against me and moaned into my mouth. I honestly couldn't say if her body or the sounds she made turned me on more. I could imagine her making those sounds as she lay naked underneath me. God, I wanted to fuck her. My hands held her ass, helping her keep a rhythm as she moved against me. I pulled her in harder and groaned into her neck as she threw her head back and whimpered loudly.

"I need you so fucking badly, Ness," I heard myself say. "God, you drive me crazy." I pulled her in hard again and thrust my hips up to grind against her.

She leaned back, and I had to work a little to get her hips to move again. I heard my name, and it took me a minute to realize she wanted to stop. I relaxed my grip on her and took a deep breath. She moved her hips back so she wasn't right against my dick and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

I shook my head and touched her hair. "Don't be sorry, baby. It's okay."

She sighed and nodded. We were both quiet as I tried to calm down and decide how I would ask her why she was afraid to move in with me. A few minutes later, she looked up at me.

"You don't have to leave, do you?"

I shook my head. "I'm okay, Ness. There is something I want to talk to you about, though."

She nodded, but her eyes gave away her nervousness. "Okay."

My hands rubbed her back, and I leaned in to kiss her lips. "I talked to Leah Wednesday about what we'd agreed on, and she wasn't very happy with me."

Her brow furrowed. "Why?" Her fingers started to gently massage my shoulders. It felt good.

"She said I was a jerk for what I did. I want to apologize for what happened Tuesday. I was upset that Leah had asked you to talk to me, and I wasn't very nice. So I'm sorry."

She smiled. "I forgive you."

"Good. I also wanted to ask you why you're afraid to move in with me. Is it just because you're afraid you'll put too much on me?"

She sighed and sat back a little. Her fingers played with the seam at the shoulder of my shirt for a second before she answered. "Yes and no. I don't really know. I mean, yes I'm scared that you'll get sick of me. I'm terrified of that, because I really don't know what I would do without you." Her eyes never met mine. She seemed to be focusing really hard on what her fingers were doing.

My hands rested on her hips, just holding. I met her eyes, and she looked embarrassed and confused. "Is there anything else you're afraid of?"

She sighed and picked harder. "I didn't think so. When I said no, Jake, I was afraid of losing you. Why . . . Um, why do you want me to live with you?" Her eyes dropped down to the space between us. Although I knew she probably wasn't looking at the boner bulge in my pants, I wanted her to.

I put my fingers under her chin and made her look at me. "Because I love you and want to take care of you."

She licked her lips and cast her eyes down even when I was still holding under her chin. "What about . . . you know, like rent and stuff?"

I smiled and leaned down to try to catch her eyes again. She looked back up at me, and I kissed her lips. "No rent, baby. Don't tell me it's not fair, because it is. I'm not asking you to live with me to get something in return. I just want you with me."

The corners of her mouth lifted in a tiny smile, but she didn't look entirely convinced. She still had a little crease between her eyebrows. "I want to at least clean and cook and things like that. Or, well, I guess not cook, but you know."

"You can cook all you want, Ness. The more you do it, the better you'll get." I loved that she wanted to cook for me. It felt very . . . girlfriend-like.

"Could we still cook together sometimes?" She seemed to be calming down a little; she wasn't as tense anymore.

I nodded. "Of course. I like cooking with you." I put both my hands on her hips again. "Ness, I also want to make sure you know that moving in with me doesn't mean we have to sleep together."

She blushed and looked down again. When she looked up again, she had an uneasy smile. She licked her lips and laughed nervously. "Um . . . I guess that's a good thing." Her hands tensed on my shoulders again.

I met her eyes and rubbed her hips with my thumbs. "Baby, as much as I want you, I love and respect you too much to expect you to do that just because we live together. No matter what, I love you, and I will wait until you're ready, okay?"

She leaned in and kissed me. "Thank you."

I moved my arms around her back and hugged her tightly. Her body moved closer to me, and I closed my eyes when I felt her rub on my dick. She inhaled sharply, but didn't try to pull out of the hug. She didn't move her hips at all, she just rested against me. I tried really hard to calm down and just hold her. It wasn't easy, but I was able to hold her against me without making her move. She had her head on my shoulder, and she was playing with the neckline of my shirt. I loved the feel of her fingers brushing against my skin and the way she'd kiss my neck every few minutes. I kissed the top of her head and ran my fingers through her hair.

"Jake?" she said a while later. She leaned back to look up at me, and I met her eyes. "Why do you call me 'baby'?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Because you're my baby. Does it bother you?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No; I kind of like it. I just noticed you saying it more, and I was curious."

I nodded and kissed her lips. "I love you. Baby."

She smiled wider. "I think this means I need to come up with something else to call you."

I laughed. "Just don't make it too mushy, okay?"

"Aw, I can't call you honeybun or sugarplum?" She laughed and blushed. I loved the playful light in her eyes.

"I guess if you _really_ want to, I won't object. But not around anyone else." I could only imagine what Leah would have to say about that.

She wrinkled her nose. It was adorable. "I don't like those names; I was just joking. I'll think of something, though."

"Let me know when you do."

She kissed me and nodded. "I will."

She rested against me again and wrapped one arm around my neck. I rubbed her back and closed my eyes as she lightly combed her fingers through my hair. I was really happy with the way the day had turned out. As I thought about the appointment she had to begin therapy, I remembered something.

"Ness, did you ever get that suitcase out of your closet?"

She leaned back and looked at me, her brow furrowed. "What suitcase?"

"The one you said you'd put all the paperwork in." I needed to find her insurance card so we could see what all needed to be done on the monetary side of therapy.

"Oh. No, I didn't. I can get it now, though. You . . . you don't mind looking through it, do you?" She looked scared.

"I don't mind, baby." I smiled, and she smirked as she climbed down. I followed her to her room where she slid the wooden door of her closet to the side. I realized that this was the first time I'd been in her room. I'd watched her sleep, but I never actually went in the room. It wasn't huge, but it wasn't tiny either. As she bent down in the closet, and I tried not to stare at her ass, I noticed the box Leah had given to her for her birthday sitting on the floor in the corner. I wondered what it would take to get her to model that little outfit. She stood back up, and I mentally smacked myself. I wouldn't push for that until she was ready for sex.

"Um, here's the suitcase. Would it be okay if I, um . . . I don't really want to look in it."

I nodded. "That's okay, Ness." I kissed her, and she walked out of the room. I sighed to myself and sat on her bed to open the suitcase. It was one of those hard cases like they so often showed in old movies. I popped the latches on it and opened it.

There were a ton of papers. A lot more than I expected. I put all of the inheritance documents in one pile, and started a new one for her dad's identification papers. They'd done dental scans, DNA testing, and of course the paperwork she'd filled out at the hospital. I found his death certificate and put it with the identification stuff. In the middle of everything, I finally found the insurance papers. I picked out what she'd need for therapy and put the rest back. I closed it and put the case back in her closet. I hesitated for a second as I looked at the white box Leah'd given her. I sort of wanted to open it just to see if she'd left the outfit in it or put it away somewhere. It wouldn't be right, though. She trusted me, and I couldn't go snooping through her room. Instead of opening the box, I took the papers out to the living room.

Nessie was sitting on the couch with her knees brought up to her chest. She was resting her chin on them with her arms wrapped around her legs. She looked so fragile sitting like that. She looked up at me and smiled sadly.

"Did you find it?"

I nodded and put the papers on the coffee table before I sat down next to her. "Yeah, I found what we needed. I think you'll be set as soon as we fill out all the paperwork." I took her hand and tugged gently. She unwound herself and slid over to my side. She hesitated for a second before she got up on her knees.

"Jake?" Her hands went to my shoulders again. I met her eyes and hummed. "Can I sit like before? I want to be close to you."

I nodded and pulled her close with my hand on her hip. She lifted one leg over me and settled herself as close as possible. She didn't move her hips or kiss me; she just put her face in my shoulder and squeezed my neck. I held her tightly and kissed her head.

"I love you," I said softly.

She nodded and took a deep breath. "I love you, too." Her voice was muffled.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded again, but didn't pull back. I didn't push her. I just held her tighter and kissed her hair again.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No."

I furrowed my brow and pushed her back gently that time. "Why, baby?"

She sniffled and met my eyes. "I'm so scared, Jake."

"Of what, Ness?" I pushed her hair out of her face. I wanted to believe we were past this fear thing.

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "I don't want to leave. This is my house."

I felt a pang in my stomach. I couldn't believe I'd never thought she'd be scared of losing the house. As far as I knew, it was the only place she'd ever lived. "I'm sorry, baby. I really wish there was a way I could save it for you."

She nodded, but still didn't open her eyes. "I know. But you can't, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just don't know how . . . I don't know what I'm going to do." She leaned against me again and sniffled. I held her tightly, praying I could show her how much I loved her. I didn't know what else to say, so I just kept my mouth shut and held her. She cried quietly for a while. I prayed that moving wouldn't set her back. She'd been doing great, and until she was asked directly about her father in therapy, she hadn't broken down as often as before. It seemed to me that it was getting a little easier for her to remember him and talk about him. With me, at least. I really did not want her to have to go back to how she was when I first met her.

"It'll be okay, Ness. I promise everything will be okay."

She shook her head. "I don't know how."

I wished I knew how to make her feel better. "I don't know either. But it will be."

She didn't say anything else, so I just held her. She'd stopped crying, but still sniffled a few times. She kissed my neck and started to play with my hair again. She kissed me again, and I tilted my head back and tried to keep myself under control. Every time her lips touched me was better than the last, and I swear she was moving higher and pressing harder. Her tongue darted out a few times, further clouding my head. I groaned and gripped her hips. It was impossible to stay calm. I was panting and my dick was at full attention by the time she reached my jaw. I couldn't stop myself as I moved back and kissed her deeply. She moaned softly and pushed her body hard against mine. It felt so fucking good I growled and kissed her harder.

She pulled back just enough to speak, but didn't stop moving. "Jake, I need you." Her voice was nothing more than a needy, breathless whimper, and it made me wild. "Please."

There was a time not too long ago that I wouldn't have thought twice about fucking a girl when she said something like that. I was surprised I even had a brain cell left to work with, but somehow I knew I had to slow us down and make sure she really was ready. I pushed her shoulders back and growled again when she ground her hips against me in a long, drawn out movement.

"Ness," I managed to say. She met my eyes, and something inside me cried out in pain. Hers were full of desperation and fear, and I knew she wasn't ready. "Stop, baby."

She shook her head and ground against me again. "Please, Jake," she begged. Holy fucking Christ, this woman was going to kill me. Her fingers gripped my hair as new tears formed in her eyes. I wasn't sure why she was doing this, but I did know it wasn't because she was ready to make that move.

"Not now, Nessie. We need to stop." I took hold of her hips to make her quit, and I was surprised at how strong she was when she wanted to be. I was stronger, though, and I kept her from moving again. She finally stopped fighting against me, and I saw the defeat in her eyes. She sobbed once as she leaned into me and thrust her face into my neck.

I sighed and wrapped my arms around her. "Nessie, baby, it's okay."

She shook her head as she took a deep, shuddering breath. "No, it's not. I'm sorry, Jake. God, I'm so sorry." Her voice was full of pain. "I feel so lost." I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed her head. "Don't go home yet, please," she said quietly.

"I'm not going anywhere yet. Just let me hold you."

She sniffled and nodded. We were both silent while I held her tightly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and just rested against me. It took some effort and a good chunk of time, but eventually I was able to get my dick to calm down, too. When I looked at my watch, I was surprised to find it was already past nine o'clock. Nessie hadn't moved in a while, and her breathing was deep and steady. I moved my head back to look down at her, and sure enough, she was asleep. Instead of waking her up, I held her back with one arm and put the other under her ass to stand up. She squirmed, but didn't wake up until I was halfway down the hall.

"Jake?" she asked. She held on to me tighter when she realized I was carrying her.

"You fell asleep, babe. I'm taking you to your bed." I kissed her forehead and tried not to think about anything other than letting her sleep.

"I'm sorry—"

"None of that. You should know by now that I don't mind you sleeping on me." I smiled. She laughed a little and blushed. I put her down when I got to her room. "I should probably go home, though. I love you."

She stood on her toes and kissed me. "I love you, too. Have a good night."

"You, too." As much as I wanted to stay and watch her change, I left the room and got ready to leave. I didn't want to leave, but after what had happened earlier, I wasn't sure tonight would be the best night to stay. It was a miracle I'd managed to stop this time; I wasn't sure I'd be so lucky if it happened again.

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A/N: Should I apologize for the uber-long chapter? I don't think I will. Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts on their progress . . . I also wanted to say that I won't be going into to much on their therapy sessions. Maybe one or two, but I'm not a therapist and I don't know that I could really make an actual session very believable. I think I'm pushing it with their first consultations.

I'm on Twitter – Sheewolf85.


	28. Baby

A/N: *big Jacob hugs!*

I hope you guys like this chapter as much as I do.

I don't own anything :)

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Baby

_I guess she was tired by the time I came along.  
She'd laugh until she cried; I could do no wrong.  
She would always save me, because I was her baby._

-The Baby – Blake Shelton

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I got up later than I'd expected to on Sunday. I had wanted to get over to Nessie's before nine o'clock, but it was already after ten when I got up. I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept that long. Especially on a Sunday, since I had to be at the site at six o'clock. I groaned and got up to start getting ready.

I was pulling my shirt on when my phone started to ring. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled the phone off the charger by my bed. It was Leah.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Jake. How's it going?"

I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Not bad. What's up?"

"Sam and I were wondering if you and Nessie would want to come to dinner with us tonight. We're meeting up with our parents for Mother's Day."

"Oh, shit, that's today?" I'd completely forgotten. I got up to double-check the calendar. Sure enough, it was the ninth of May. "I'll talk to her about it later. What time are you guys going?"

"Probably around six. Just let me know. You going to help her start packing today?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna go see Mom first, though." I felt bad enough that I'd forgotten it was Mother's Day; I couldn't go without seeing her grave today.

"Okay. Have a good day. Let me know if you need any help moving Nessie, okay?"

Sam had a truck that would probably be useful. "'Kay. Talk to you later."

After we hung up, I took a minute to make a new plan. I needed to see my mom for a few minutes, then I'd go to Nessie's. I called Nessie to let her know what was going on, then I finished getting ready and left. I picked up some flowers on my way to the cemetery. As I walked the path to her spot, I realized how long it had been since I'd been out here.

I sighed as I set the flowers down next to her headstone. Sarah Justine Black, right next to William Jacob Black, my dad. "Hey, Mom," I said as I sat down. I crossed my legs and rested back against the headstone. "Been a while. Sorry about that." It had been over a month since my last visit. I glanced at my dad's headstone. He'd have pushed me to see her more often. "It's Mother's Day, though, so I thought I'd come by."

I looked around as I sighed again. The cemetery was mostly empty. The sun was shining brightly, and I noticed a few other graves with fresh flowers. There was a slight breeze, but not even enough to cool things down even a little bit. It was hot as hell.

"A lot has happened since last time. Nessie's going to the wedding. Leah's getting really excited. She won't admit it, but I know she's happy to finally have the chance to be a wife. Sam wants kids, but hell if I know if that'll ever happen." Leah'd told me several times when we were together that she never wanted to be a mother. I wondered how close Sam was to changing her mind.

"Nessie's moving in with me," I said with a smirk. "She finally agreed. Oh, and, uh, she's officially my girlfriend now. You'd really like her. She's a lot like you, you know. What I remember of you, anyway. Soft and delicate, but man, she's got fire to her. She's got an appointment for therapy. So do I, I guess." I looked down at my hands on my knees. I'd always wondered what my mom would have thought of me being bipolar. "Nessie talked me into it. Big surprise, huh?" I laughed. "Leah got her to talk to me. I guess it'll be okay. I'll go, and I'll show them I don't really need it."

I leaned my head back against her headstone and took a deep breath. "I don't know, Mom. I think she might be the one." I shook my head at myself. "I used to think guys were stupid when they said that; like she's the Chosen One from _The Matrix_ or some shit." I paused for a second. "I think I get it now."

A few birds flew by, and a cool gust of breeze followed them. It felt good. I closed my eyes and just listened to the sounds of the birds chirping, people talking as they walked past the cemetery, and cars driving by. It was peaceful. I just sat there quietly for a while and wondered what exactly my mom would be doing at that moment. I fully believed she'd gone to some sort of heaven. Every time I doubted the existence of an afterlife, I'd think of her. She had been the most amazing woman in the world to both my dad and me, and it hurt me physically to think that she was completely gone. She had to be somewhere else, doing something with my dad. Maybe she knew I was here, trying my best to be a good son for her.

I sighed and wiped my face when I felt something drip down my cheek. I wouldn't admit I was crying. I got up slowly and cleared my throat.

"Well, Mom, I'm going to help Nessie get everything packed up so she can get moved. I'll try to come by more often. Love you. Miss you." I kissed two fingers and put them on the headstone for a second. "Bye, Dad." I did the same to his headstone and walked away.

I picked up some boxes and tape on my way to Nessie's. It was noon by the time I made it to her house. She was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, and her hair was pulled back in a pony tail. I'd never seen her in shorts before, and damn, she was hot. The only time I'd ever seen her bare legs was when she was in panties, and I hadn't given myself the option to check her out then. Now I had no reason to stop.

"You look nice, Ness." That was an understatement if I ever heard one. Not only were her legs on display, but the shirt was tight and left very little to the imagination. It had a low neckline, and if I had the right angle, I could see cleavage. I wanted to skip all the packing and going through shit and get right to the making out part so I could touch her.

She stood on her toes to kiss me. "Thank you. How are you?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I'm good. Are you ready for today?"

She licked her lips and sighed. "I think so."

I pulled her close to me and kissed the top of her head. "I love you."

She nodded against my chest. "I love you, too." She hesitated for a second before she looked up at me. "Um, Jake?"

I combed her hair with my fingers and kissed her lips. "What is it, baby?"

"Do we have to go in my dad's room today?" She swallowed, and her eyes showed me just how scared she was.

I shook my head. "No. We do have to do it eventually, but we can wait until tomorrow if you'd feel better with that. We can work on the rest of the house today."

She sighed with relief and nodded. "Thank you."

I kissed her again. "Where should we start?"

"How about here?" She gestured to the living room.

I shrugged. "Here's fine. Let me get some boxes taped up, and we'll get going."

She nodded and pulled away, and I went out to the car to get the boxes. When I walked back in, Nessie was standing in the middle of the room looking a little lost. She turned to me and smiled sadly as I put a few boxes together. When they were done, I went to her and took her hand.

"Should we start with the books?"

She sniffled and nodded. "I know I'd like to keep my books, but other than that and your things, there's nothing in here I want to keep."

There wasn't really much other than that. "Are you sure? I don't want you to regret anything or wish you would have gotten something. What about the couch?"

She stared at the couch for a few seconds before she shook her head slowly. "That couch has seen better days, and I really don't want it. There are very few things I know I'll want to keep." She walked to the bookcase, and I followed her. "What will I do with the stuff I don't want?"

She sat down on the floor and sighed. I sat behind her, spreading my legs so I could hold her close to me as she did what she needed to do. "If it's all right with you, I figured we'd just leave whatever you don't want here and let the county assessor assholes deal with it."

She leaned her head back on my shoulder and nodded. "Okay." She sighed again and sat forward to take a few books on the bookshelf. She looked at the titles briefly before she put them in the box beside us. As she went through the books, she put most of them in the box. A few of them got put back, and I noticed one of them was the crappy book I'd tried to read the first night I stayed over.

"You don't want those books?" I asked, pointing to the three she'd set aside.

She leaned her head back to look up at me. "No. They were stupid anyway, and I know I'll never read them again. Do you think maybe we could take some stuff to a charity?"

I kissed her and nodded. "Sure, if you'd like."

She went back to the books. As she looked through them and decided what she wanted and what she didn't, I reached around her and put my hands on her knees. She was sitting cross-legged, and I fought with myself about whether or not I could get away with sliding my hands up her legs. In the end, I decided it wouldn't be smart. Her skin was so much paler than mine, almost white, and it was so soft. She'd obviously shaved recently; her knees were smooth as silk. I moved my thumbs over her skin and leaned in to kiss her head.

She was about halfway through when she picked up a blue book and stopped. She held it in her lap and stared at it for a few seconds. I rubbed her arms and looked at it over her shoulder. It looked like a scrapbook binder covered in blue fabric. There was no writing; it was just plain blue. She gently ran her hand down the front of it, her fingers splayed out.

"You okay?" I asked.

She nodded and sniffled. "This was my mom's," she said softly. She opened it, and I read the first page. _Recipes by Bella Masen._ "My dad said she made it when she was pregnant with me. It's all the recipes she made. He always said she was the best cook he ever knew." She wiped her eyes and flipped through the pages. "We would use the recipes when we cooked. Some of them are kind of complicated, but I think I'd like to try some."

I kissed her head as she continued to turn the pages. She stopped at a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. It had some stains and 'peanut butter' hand-written next to the rest of the typed ingredients. She sniffled again as she touched the writing.

"My dad wrote this when I was eleven years old." Her voice gave away her tears, and I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned in to put my chin on her shoulder. "I tried to make them for him as a surprise and forgot to add it. He said he didn't know why she didn't put it on the list, but they never tasted right to him without it. I felt bad, so he wrote this to make sure neither of us would forget again." She wiped her eyes. "He said a tablespoon was enough, but he never knew for sure. We always laughed it off, but I know he wished he could ask her."

I had always assumed her mother wasn't alive anymore since she never mentioned her, but we hadn't ever actually talked about it. I kissed her shoulder. "What happened to your mom?" I figured it was a good change of pace. It was Mother's Day, after all. I really hoped talking about her mom wouldn't hurt like her dad did.

She leaned back to rest her head against my shoulder. Her long, slender throat stretched out right by my face. I gave her neck a small kiss, but I leaned back before I started something I wasn't sure I could finish right now. "She died when I was born. Something about complications; I didn't cooperate, and it killed her."

I really hated the sound of guilt in her voice, like she thought she was to blame. It was bad enough she thought she was the cause of her dad's death. I made her look at me. "Nessie, listen to me. There's no way that you could have been responsible for your mother's death. If anything, it was the doctors that delivered you. Obviously I don't know the situation, but I do know that it wasn't your fault, okay?"

She stared into my eyes for a long moment. It was obvious she was trying to believe me, but she still looked so sad. She licked her lips and leaned back as she pushed herself up like she was reaching for something. I furrowed my brow until she puckered her lips. "Kiss me?"

I smiled and kissed her lips. "I love you."

She smiled a tiny smile and nodded. "I love you, too." She turned back to the book and sighed. She flipped through a few more pages before she closed it and put it in the box. "What was your mom like?" she asked as she reached for a few more books.

"She was really sweet. She loved to cook and sew. She made a lot of the clothes I wore when I was little, and I still have a lot of them. My dad told me he wanted me to give them to my kids when I had them." I tightened my arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder. "She always called me her little teddy bear. My dad says I liked to cuddle with her when I was really little. I remember one time when I was six, she came home from a doctor's appointment and read six stories to me, all in a row. She said it was because I was six." I laughed and kissed Nessie's shoulder again.

She turned her head and kissed my cheek. "How did she die?"

"She had cancer. I didn't understand it at the time; all I knew was that Mom was really sick. She had been diagnosed a year before I was born, and they weren't even sure they could have kids. Toward the end, she looked so miserable. She still smiled every time I saw her, though. I think she wanted to try to keep me from knowing just how bad it was for her. I remember the morning she died. I went in to say good morning and give her a kiss, and she didn't say anything. She just looked so peaceful, like she was finally out of pain." I closed my eyes and put my face in Nessie's neck.

She reached up and ran her fingers gently through my hair. "I'm so sorry, Jake."

I sighed and looked up to kiss her. "She would have loved you, Ness."

She smiled. "Sometimes I wished I'd been able to know my mom, but I never felt like I missed out because I didn't have her. My dad was everything I needed. Grandpa Charlie was her dad, and he and my dad often told me stories about her. She sounded like a pretty decent woman. I know my dad loved her a lot."

I couldn't imagine never knowing my mother. It was bad enough that most of my memories were blurry. "My earliest memory of her was when I was four. We went camping for the first time, and I got sick. She stayed in the tent with me and sang songs until I felt better. Dad was worried we'd have to leave early, but she got me through it." I shook my head and kissed Nessie's cheek. "By the way, Leah wants to know if you'd want to go to a Mother's Day dinner with her and Sam. It'll probably be a pretty big thing; both Sam and Leah's parents will be there and probably Sam's sister and her family. It's up to you if you want to go."

Nessie licked her lips and leaned her head back to rest on my shoulder. "Would anyone be offended if I decided not to go? I'm not sure I want to be around that many people I don't know."

I smiled. "Of course not, baby. I just need to let Leah know soon. Let's finish these books, okay?"

She nodded and kissed me one more time before she leaned forward and grabbed a few more titles. It didn't take long to get through the rest of them. The box wasn't huge, but the books barely filled it halfway. I didn't close it; I figured we could put blankets or something on top of them. The books Nessie didn't want were put in a smaller box for whichever charity she decided to give them to. When we were done, she picked out a few of the couch pillows she wanted to keep. There were six pillows altogether, but she only decided to keep three.

"Are you sure, Ness? You can take all of them if you want."

She licked her lips and looked at the ones she'd left for a minute. "I don't know, Jake. I . . ." she sighed and turned to rest her forehead on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her head. "I don't know."

"That's okay, baby. We've got the next two days to do this. Why don't you take all of the pillows, and if you really don't want to keep those ones after a while, we can get rid of them then, okay?" It would kill me if she regretted leaving something behind a few months down the road.

She nodded and got the rest of the pillows. I managed to cram them into the box with her books, and I taped it up before we moved on to the kitchen.

"What about food and stuff?" she asked as she opened a cupboard.

"Let's get everything that doesn't need to be refrigerated. We'll leave enough for you to eat until Tuesday, okay?" I stood behind her hand put my hands on her shoulders.

She looked back up at me and smiled. "Okay."

I kissed her lips, and we got started. She didn't have a lot, so it didn't take very long. She also went through her dishes and handed things to me to wrap in paper towels and put in the box. We were done with the kitchen by five o'clock, and we took a break so I could call Leah and we could eat something. Neither of us really wanted to cook anything, so we just made sandwiches.

"Jake?" Nessie asked while we ate on the couch. I was sort of going to miss it. We'd made some good memories on that couch. I looked over at her and hummed. "Um, since we're not going to get everything done today, and we're going to be doing this again tomorrow . . . I was kind of thinking maybe you could stay the night tonight?" She met my eyes, and I was a little confused by the look in hers. She looked scared.

"If you'd like me to, Ness, I will. Are you sure you want that?" I didn't figure she was asking for anything other reason than the convenience, but I wondered if she thought I'd take it a different way.

She nodded. "Yeah. I mean . . . um . . ." she sighed and looked down. "Would you be okay on the couch again?"

I made her look up at me. "I will be perfect on the couch, baby." I kissed her.

She smiled. "Thank you."

"You know you're welcome."

She nodded and leaned in to rest her head on my shoulder. "I mean for more than that, though. Thank you for everything you've done today."

I kissed her head. "Why are you thanking me, Ness? You're the one giving me what I want."

She laughed a little. "I know, but I really don't think I could have done half of what we did today if I was by myself. Being with you makes everything easier."

I wrapped my arm around her and hugged her lightly. Her confession was only more proof to me that we needed to be together. "I'm glad."

"I'm scared for tomorrow." Her body tensed, and she turned into me more. I leaned back and pulled her onto my lap. She sighed and got up only long enough to situate herself so she was straddling me. I loved it like this, but tried to calm down. I knew she only needed comfort right now.

"Why are you scared, baby?"

She burrowed her face into my neck and sighed deeply as she squeezed my shoulders. "I'm afraid to go in his room. I haven't been in there since before the accident."

I was a little surprised, but a lot more worried. A memory of him was all she needed to break down; I was concerned about what seeing things she hadn't seen in two years would do. I cleared my throat and kissed her head again. "I'll be there with you, and we'll go at your pace, okay? If you need to stop or take a break, just let me know."

She nodded and sniffled. "I know, Jake. I'm just scared."

I held her tighter for a while until she started to relax again. She kissed my neck and leaned back. "Could we finish my room tonight? I'd like to get as much as we can so we only have to deal with his room tomorrow."

I nodded and kissed her. "I think that's a good idea, baby."

She climbed down a few minutes later, and we cleaned up our mess from dinner. I grabbed another box, and we went down the hall. She got the things from the bathroom that she didn't use on a regular basis, then we went to her room. I kind of hoped we'd do her closet first so I could ask her about her birthday present, but she decided to start at her bed. She had a few small trinkets on her headboard, and she handed them to me to wrap up and put in the box.

"My grandpa gave these to me when I was ten," she said as she gave me a small ceramic deer with a butterfly on its tail and a big-eyed squirrel holding an acorn. "He said they used to be my mom's." She smiled down at a cat figurine for a second before she handed it to me. "This one he gave to me for my eleventh birthday. It was the last one I had with him; he died a few months later."

I held on to her fingers when she handed the cat to me. She looked up at me and blushed when I kissed her knuckles. She smiled and went back to the headboard.

We went through the rest of her room. There really wasn't much, just some clothes and a few pairs of shoes. We decided to put clothes that didn't need to be hung up in bags because it would be easier to move them. She kept out an outfit for each day we'd be there and blushed furiously when she opened the underwear drawer of her dresser. Either she wasn't that embarrassed or she thought she had to suffer through it, because she didn't stop. She did decide she'd rather put her things in the bag rather than hand them to me, though. I was mildly disappointed, but I didn't comment. I just held the bag and tried to see as much as I could as she quickly moved her bras and panties. When her dresser was done, we finally moved on to the closet.

She handed the suitcase that had all of her paperwork in it to me, and I put it aside. She had some blankets in the top of her closet, and I got them down for her. Aside from a few dresses, all of the clothes in her closet came off the hangers and went into the bags. Nessie blushed when she picked up the box she'd gotten from Leah.

"Is it still in there?" I asked, dying to know. I hadn't seen it when she went through the rest of her clothes.

She nodded. "Yeah, I, um . . . I haven't even tried it on yet."

I wanted to take that as an invitation to ask, but she already looked embarrassed enough. I cleared my throat and took it from her. "Maybe someday?"

Her blush deepened as she nodded again. "Yeah. Someday."

I really liked that answer. I put the box with the suitcase and took everything out to the living room. She had two small boxes, three bags of clothes, and the present and suitcase. Everything but her dad's room and things she'd need in the next few days was packed up, and we didn't even have five full boxes. I sort of hoped this meant we'd be able to get through her dad's room quickly and get her moved the next day, but I wasn't sure if it would really work like that.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as I put the suitcase down. It was getting close to eight o'clock.

She shrugged. "I'm tired."

I nodded and rubbed her arm. "Ready for bed?"

She sighed and stepped close to me to wrap her arms around my waist. "Yes, I am. I'm sorry."

I laughed and kissed her head. "Don't be sorry, Ness. I know you get tired early; it's okay."

She nodded and kissed my chest before she pulled away. "I'm going to get changed then."

I watched her walk down the hall before I turned and looked at everything we'd done. I tried not to think about her getting changed. She'd set out both the sweats I liked and a pair of tiny flannel shorts. As much as I loved the way her ass looked in those sweats, I really hoped she chose the shorts. I hadn't gotten enough of her legs. I sat down on the couch to wait for her.

When she came back down the hall, I almost wanted to jump for joy. She'd chosen the shorts. She blushed and cleared her throat after a second.

"Is this okay?" she asked, swiping a hand down her body to indicate her outfit. In addition to the tiny shorts that ended at the top of her thighs, she'd put on the thin white tank top. No bra, of course. She'd let her hair down as well, and it fell around her shoulders to her elbows in slightly tangled copper waves. I could literally stare at her all night long. Instead, I nodded and reached out my hand. She came to me and hesitantly put her hand in mine.

"Baby, that's perfect. You are so beautiful." I tugged her hand gently, praying she would want to make out before she went to sleep. Then again, was that really a good idea?

She smiled shyly and blushed again. "Thank you." She did sit down on my lap, but she sat down sideways. I tried not to be disappointed. Her body was tense against me, and it made me calm down.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded and rested her head against my shoulder. "I'm okay. I'm just . . . I don't know. I feel . . . naked."

I really wished she _was_ naked. "Are you uncomfortable?" As much as I wanted to see every inch of her, I couldn't ask her to stay in those clothes if they made her nervous.

She shook her head. "No. Well, I don't know. It's just weird. I trust you, though." She reached up to play with the hair at the back of my head.

"I'm glad you trust me, baby, but if you're uncomfortable, you should change."

She sat up again and met my eyes. "Do you want me to change?"

I sighed and furrowed my brow. "Nessie, listen. I know you don't really believe me when I tell you that you're beautiful, but I do like to look at you. You are always sexy, and it's only better when you show a lot of skin. If you're not comfortable showing so much around me, then please change. I don't want you to, because I like seeing it, but I won't be upset if you'd feel better in something less revealing."

She met my eyes, looking at me through her lashes. "You like seeing my legs?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, I do." I rubbed my hand down the smooth skin of her leg. "I really do." As I made my way back up her leg, I kept my eyes on hers. I wanted to see just how far up I could go before she got nervous. She licked her lips and tensed a little bit when I reached her mid-thigh, so I stopped. She relaxed.

"Um . . . can I ask you something?" She put her hand on mine, but didn't try to push it away. Instead, she wound her fingers together with mine and held tightly.

"You can always ask me anything, Ness."

She looked back up at me. "Why do you like my skin?"

I furrowed my brow. "What do you mean?"

She took a deep breath and looked down at our hands for a few seconds. "I mean, you saw . . . you saw what happens when I'm in the sun too long. It's not pretty. I was just curious why you like that."

I squeezed her fingers lightly and bent down to try to meet her eyes. She looked at me, and her unshed tears made my heart hurt. I rubbed her arm with my free hand and kissed her lips.

"I love you, Ness. That doesn't mean I love you when you think you're beautiful. It means I love you always. Every single day, no matter what's happening. I will admit that I hated seeing you like that, but it wasn't because your skin was red or blistered. It was because you were in pain, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. Besides, your skin is beautiful. Doesn't matter if you're allergic to the sun, baby. Look at your legs."

She raised an eyebrow at me, and I smirked. I was about to do something dangerous, but I really hoped it would get my point across. I took my hand from hers and gently slid down her leg to her ankle, then back up to her thigh. I didn't stop until I reached the bottom of her shorts. She licked her lips and looked up at me hesitantly.

"Look at them, baby. Your skin is so soft and smooth. I could touch you for days."

She smiled, but she hadn't relaxed yet. She put her hand on mine. "But I'm really pale."

I nodded and rubbed her skin with my thumb. I was really close to her inner thigh, so I moved out a few inches. She seemed to calm down a little bit. "Yes, you're pale, but it's pretty. You're not like sickly white; you're creamy."

She blushed. "Creamy?"

I shrugged. "What can I say, baby? You're nice to look at and touch."

She leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder again. "Thank you. I love you."

I rubbed her leg and kissed her head. "I love you, too."

She yawned and reached up to fidget with my shirt. "I'm tired."

"You should go to bed then."

She nodded and snuggled closer. I smiled and kissed her head again. I didn't push her up; I'd let her fall asleep on me again if she wanted to. It was only a few minutes before she sat up, though. She leaned up and kissed me, then lifted her arms up to stretch. Her back arched seductively, and I smiled to myself as I slid my hand up her stomach to her tits. She laughed and put her hand over mine.

"Jake!" she giggled. She met my eyes with a smile.

"What?" I squeezed lightly.

"I was stretching; that was not an invitation to touch me." Her smile didn't go away, and I could see the tease in her eyes.

"Stretching like that _is_ the invitation, baby. It's just too tempting to resist."

She giggled again. "I'll remember that the next time I go to stretch." She leaned in and wrapped her arms around my neck to hug me. I hugged her back tightly. "You'll be okay on the couch, right?"

"I'll be fine, baby. You go to bed." I kissed her as she slipped off my lap.

"Okay. Goodnight."

"'Night."

She leaned down and kissed me one more time before she walked away. It wasn't even nine o'clock yet, but I figured I could try to sleep. I laid down for fifteen minutes or so before I got up to check on Nessie. She was asleep already and covered up with her blanket, so I went back to the couch. I closed my eyes and listened to the silence for a while before I finally started to drift off.

* * *

Someone was screaming. I heard it, but it sounded really far away. Even with the distance, I could tell it wasn't normal. The only time I'd ever heard anyone make that noise was in movies when someone got tortured. I had to be dreaming. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, confused when the sound got louder. It cut off in weird places and sounded a little like Nessie.

I was suddenly wide awake when I realized it was Nessie. It wasn't a scream like when she saw the spider in the kitchen. This was a scream like someone was hurting her. I launched myself off the couch and ran down the hall, fully prepared the beat the living shit out of someone. I turned on her light and saw her curled on her bed, shaking visibly as she screamed again. My first thought was to find the intruder and kill them. I looked around the room and in her closet, but no one was there. She reached out with one hand and smacked the wall. Her back arched, and her hands clenched into tight fists. That's when it dawned on me.

A few days ago, she said she'd had a bad dream. I hadn't thought anything of it, because how bad could it really be if it was just a dream? I felt sick to my stomach; how long had she been having dreams like this? I went to her and grabbed her shoulders to shake her.

"Nessie, wake up," I tried to be gentle with her, but I was still hyped up from expecting someone to be in the house. I needed to calm down. I couldn't do that with Nessie screaming like this, though. I shook her harder. She turned and smacked my shoulder hard. I started to pick her up when suddenly her whole body convulsed, and her screams cut off in a choke. She sat straight up, gasping for air.

"Nessie?"

She shrieked in alarm and turned to hit me again. I caught her wrist, but that didn't stop her. She reacted quickly, reaching out with her other hand to slap me across the face. I had to admit, she was pretty damn strong when she needed to be. That actually hurt a little. I grabbed her other wrist and held them with one hand as I made her look at me. It was clear from the panic in her eyes that she wasn't with it enough to really see me. "Nessie, baby, calm down."

Her eyes finally focused on mine, but she didn't say anything. She was still shaking really hard. I let go of her wrists carefully, holding my hands by hers in case she tried to hit me again. Her hands fell to her sides, so I moved closer and sat beside her. Her eyes never left mine.

"Jake?" she asked. Her voice was hoarse.

I touched her cheek and nodded. "Yeah, baby, it's me. Are you okay?" What a stupid thing to ask after something like that. "What happened?"

She licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I need a drink."

I nodded and got up to get her something. She grabbed my arm, and I helped her stand up. She moved slowly, and I realized she was still shaking. This explained the look in her eyes when she'd said she had a bad dream the other day. I wanted to kick myself for not making a bigger deal of it then. Instead, I let her hang on my arm as she moved slowly down the hall, stumbling over her own feet a few times. I caught her each time, and she'd squeeze my arm in thanks. She got some water from the tap and leaned against the counter as she drank it. I ran my fingers through her hair and prayed that what just happened wasn't something she had to go through on a regular basis.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She sniffled and glanced up at me. "I don't know." She looked down into her cup for a minute. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

She shook her head, making her hair fall in front of her face. I pulled it back to see her again. "I didn't want you to have to see that. And I think I hit you."

I chuckled. "Yeah, actually you slapped me. Twice." I rubbed my cheek.

She winced and reached up to inspect it. "I'm sorry."

I put my hand over hers. "It didn't even hurt, I promise. You don't need to be sorry. Tell me what happened."

She licked her lips and sighed. "Just a bad dream."

"_That_ was not just a bad dream, Nessie. A bad dream doesn't make someone scream like that. That was . . ." I didn't even know what to call it. Nightmare didn't even seem right.

She took one more drink before she turned and poured the rest down the drain. She took my hand and led the way back to her bedroom. I sat down with her, and she curled herself against me. "I have them every now and then. It's something that started after . . . you know. The accident." She shifted as if trying to get closer and reached up to hold my shoulder. I tightened my arm around her. "There are two of them. I don't have them all the time, just sometimes. One I haven't had in a long time, and the other one I've had more often the last few weeks."

"Which one did you have tonight?"

She took a deep breath and kissed my neck. She seemed to hesitate before she started to talk again. "I started having it after I broke everything. It starts off that day, and I'm holding the baseball bat in my hands. Sometimes the TV's already broken, and sometimes I can stop it. Sometimes I can walk around, but most of the time I can't. I was able to walk around this time. Sometimes it feels like I can control it. I was in the kitchen when she . . . she showed up."

I waited for her to continue, but she didn't say anything for a few minutes. I kissed her head and rubbed her back. "Who showed up?"

She sighed. "There's this girl. She looks like me. Well, she is me. But . . . For a long time after he died, I thought pretty seriously about . . . about killing myself. I couldn't ever do it, though. One time I got really close. I got his pocket knife, and I put it to my wrists." I cringed. Obviously I knew she never went through with it, but it made me sick to think of her doing something like that. "In my dream, she did it. She's dead and gray with white eyes, dirty hair, and rotting flesh. Her arms are covered in lacerations, because she was able to do what I couldn't."

I swallowed and kissed her head. "So you're in your kitchen, and this . . . dead version of yourself shows up?"

She nodded. "Yeah. She always tells me things." She shivered, and I rubbed her arm. Her voice sounded broken. "She says it was my fault. I killed him. She says I'm replacing him with you, and soon I'll forget about him completely. I've dreamed about her twice since I agreed to move in with you, and she's told me both times that I'm giving up." Her voice broke again, and she turned her head as she sobbed once. "She says I'm giving up on him. I'm leaving the only place that really holds all of my memories."

I closed my eyes and hugged her as tight as I could without hurting her. "Baby, you're not giving up on him. Even if you weren't moving in with me, you couldn't stay here. You're not going to forget about him, okay? He'll always be there in your memory, just like my dad's always there in mine. You'll just be able to cope better, that's all."

She sobbed again and shook her head. "I don't want to forget about him. It feels so wrong, Jake. I _loved_ him!" Her fingers gripped my shirt tightly. I pulled her on to my lap and started to rock from side to side with her.

"I know, baby. Believe me, I know."

"She says she can make me pay for it; she'll make sure I always remember him. Sometimes she cuts my wrists, and sometimes it's my throat. Tonight it was my throat." She shivered again, and I leaned down to kiss her hair.

I remembered the way her scream had cut off and the way she'd coughed and gasped for air. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to hear more about it. If she felt like talking, I'd listen, but I couldn't bear the thought of Nessie being in pain like that. Physical pain from being in the sun too long, I could sort of handle. It was something I could help her to prevent. I could even try to make sure I changed the subject when she started to close off and get close to a break down. I didn't know how the fuck I was going to help her with this. How could I protect her from a goddamn dream?

She started to relax against me little by little. Eventually she stopped crying and was able to breathe again. She sniffled again and leaned back to look up at me. I met her eyes and touched her cheek. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

I kissed her forehead. "Good. You'll be okay to go back to sleep?"

"Yeah. Um . . . Jake?" I hummed. "Do you . . . Would you stay with me?" She tensed up and licked her lips as she stared at me with a confusing mix of fear and hesitation in her eyes.

"You want me to stay in here with you?" Was that really a good idea?

She nodded and swallowed. She looked so scared. "I don't really want to be alone."

Bad idea or not, I couldn't make her stay in here alone after that. I kissed her forehead again and nodded. "Yeah, baby, I'll stay with you."

She smiled tentatively and leaned up to kiss me. "Thank you."

I lifted her off of me so we could get situated. I turned off the light before I got in bed with her. I told myself to calm the fuck down as she pushed her body against me and laid her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her back and kissed the top of her head.

"Goodnight, baby."

She snuggled closer and wrapped one leg around mine. "Goodnight. I love you."

"Love you, too."

It didn't take her long to fall asleep. I watched her for a long moment, listening to her steady rhythm and praying it didn't change. No more nightmares tonight.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

I'm on Twitter – SheeWolf85

There is a playlist set up for this story. Hear the songs for each chapter, plus more that I just think fit the story somehow – visit www . givemeasignplaylist . weebly . com.


	29. You Fight Me

A/N: Happy Birthday to me! Hehe—I'm turning 26 on the 26th of June. Yeah, I know; I'm using an A/N to make myself feel special. Get over it ;)

So I am expecting mixed feelings about this chapter. Some of you may hate it; some of you may love it. Either way, I have my reasons for writing it this way. I would love to hear what you think. Please just keep in mind that, up until this point, Nessie hasn't ever encountered anything that has so much of her dad tied to it.

Thank you to everyone who has been reading. I love you all :)

With that, enjoy this chapter. And remember that I'm not disgustingly rich. Oh, I mean, I'm not Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Eight

You Fight Me

_No time for lies and empty fights; I'm on your side.  
Can we live a life of peace and happiness?  
I don't think so._

-You Fight Me – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Jacob**_

When I woke up the next morning, Nessie was already awake. She was laying next to me with her head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest. Her fingers were moving back and forth lightly across my shirt, and when I looked down at her, she had the most serene smile I'd ever seen on her. She looked up at me, and her smile turned into a grin. She blushed lightly, and her eyes told me she'd been thinking about something.

"Good morning," I said groggily.

She slipped her hand up to my neck and leaned in to kiss my cheek. "Good morning."

"How did you sleep?" I rubbed her back, hoping to hear there hadn't been any more nightmares.

She shrugged one shoulder and propped herself up on her elbow. "Pretty good. You?"

I yawned and kissed her forehead. "Not bad. How long have you been awake?"

She licked her lips and looked down at her fingers on my shirt. "I'm not sure. Probably about an hour."

I raised an eyebrow. "An hour? You could have gotten me up."

She smirked but didn't look back up at me. "I know. But I didn't want to."

I hummed and made her look up at me. She was hiding something, but it was obvious that it wasn't something that bothered her. I wondered why she'd want to hide something that made her happy, but I didn't push it. I kissed her lips instead.

She pushed herself a little closer and opened her mouth. My arm tightened around her back as we deepened the kiss, and my hand under her chin moved to the back of her head to hold her there. Her hand had gone back to my neck, and I felt her tug gently. I wasn't sure what she wanted, but I pulled her closer with my arm around her. She lifted one leg over me, and suddenly I lost all track of reality. All I knew was that I was laying on Nessie's bed with her, so close in such a different way than before. I pushed myself up and flipped us over so I was hovering over her, and she moaned into my mouth when my hand found her tit. Her arms held me tighter as she pushed her chest up to me and lifted her leg to hook her knee around my thigh.

I growled and moved over her more, putting myself right between her legs. She broke the kiss and cried out when I pushed my hips into her. Her hands fisted in the back of my shirt, and her hips bucked up to mine. I wished to God I could take the fucking jeans off. If I had known Nessie would want me to stay the night, I would have brought sweats or something. As I sucked on her neck, and she cried out again, I found myself reaching down to pop the button on my pants.

I couldn't say how the hell I managed to stop. Instead of undoing the button, though, I grabbed her hips and pulled her into me tightly. Her answering moan was choked and desperate. I bit her neck a little harder than I intended to and licked her to try to make up for it. I dragged my hand up her side and grabbed her tit again. Her whole body was so soft. I kissed her down her chest, somehow fully aware of what I was doing but unable to make any choices. I grabbed the low neckline of her tank top and pulled it down, exposing her to me.

I'd seen her bare tits before, but never like this. Never laying under me, letting me do what I wanted. Everything was so much different from back when I thought she wasn't ready for a relationship. I did what I'd wanted to do then and took her nipple into my mouth. Her fingers gripped my hair as she thrust her chest up and cried out again. Her nipple tightened as I sucked on it, and I flicked my tongue across it as I pushed my hips into her again.

"Jake," she whimpered. I bit her lightly as I hummed, making my voice low so she'd feel the vibration. She gasped and tugged on my hair. "Please . . . I need . . . Oh, my God." I moved to her other tit, more turned on than I'd ever been in my life. As I gave her other nipple the same treatment, I reached down and grabbed her ass. She tugged on my hair again and whimpered. "Please . . . Jake, I need to . . ." I squeezed her ass and pushed into her again as I bit her nipple. She gasped and tugged on my hair harder.

My hand on her ass moved up under her shirt and lifted, trying to take it off of her. She reached down to put her hand over mine, and her fingers gripped her shirt. "Please don't," she panted. "Stop."

Something in the way she said that made me wonder if she was asking me to stop or keep going. I licked her one more time and pulled my head back. "Are you saying stop or don't stop, baby?"

She licked her lips and panted heavily a few times before she answered me. She met my eyes, and I had my answer. "I'm sorry, Jake. I really need to stop."

I kissed her chest above her tits and put her shirt back in place before I lifted myself off of her. I laid on my side and pulled her close to me. "Don't be sorry, Ness. Please don't ever be sorry for asking to stop." She curled herself up to me, and I kissed the top of her head. We both took a few minutes to calm down. My heart was beating a million miles an hour and my dick hurt with how badly I wanted her. I had to calm down, though.

A few minutes later, Nessie kissed my chest. "We have to keep going today, don't we?"

I knew what she meant. "Yeah. You know I'm not going to leave your side, baby. We'll get through it together."

She nodded, but her heavy sigh told me she wasn't really convinced. She knew I'd be there with her—or at least, I hoped she knew—but she wasn't sure if she'd make it through. She was stronger than she thought, though, and I had faith that she could do it. I wasn't expecting it to be easy on her, and I told myself I was prepared for whatever she needed. That one room could take all damn day to get done.

Another fifteen minutes had passed when she sighed again. "I don't want to."

I kissed her head. "I know, baby. I'm sorry. If there was a way to get it done without having to go in there, we'd do that."

She nodded and propped herself up on her elbow. She kissed my cheek and licked her lips. "Just promise . . . I don't know. I'm just scared."

I rubbed her back. "Promise what, Ness?"

She looked down and shook her head, making her hair fall between us. I pushed it back behind her ear and made her look up at me. She sniffled. "I don't know. Can we stall for a little longer?"

I looked up at the clock on her headboard. It was about nine o'clock. I wasn't sure how long her dad's room would take, and I really wanted to get it done as soon as possible. We could afford to waste a little bit of time, though.

"How about we get going in about a half an hour, okay?"

She nodded and snuggled herself close to me. I tightened my arm around her and kissed her head. Neither of us said much; I just held her and tried not to think about what it was going to be like when I finally got to fuck her. I really needed to focus today so I could do what she needed me to do. At nine thirty, I kissed her head again.

"Ness?" She looked up at me and hummed. "Why don't we get some breakfast and get started?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay.". She reached up and kissed me, then we got up.

I followed her to the kitchen where we just threw some pop tarts in her toaster. Neither of us was really big on breakfast anyway. Nessie was oddly quiet as we ate. We didn't bother to move to the couch; we just leaned against the counter. I glanced at her a few times, and every time she was staring down. She was picking at her pop tart, obviously trying to draw it out. After about twenty minutes, I pushed her hair back and kissed her head.

"Are you ready?"

She took a deep breath and shook her head. "A few more minutes, please?"

I gave in. I wasn't eager to make her go through this, but I was damn impatient to get her to my house. It took her another fifteen minutes to finish her breakfast, then she got a drink of water. After she'd drank enough to drown a fish, she ran her fingers through her hair a few times, picking at nonexistent knots. I tried to be patient. I knew this was hard for her, and I really didn't want to push her, but it was going on eleven o'clock.

I rubbed her arm, and she looked up at me with huge, frightened eyes. "Baby, I know you're scared. We need to get this done, though."

Her eyes watered, but she nodded. "I know."

I leaned down and kissed her. "I'm sorry."

She nodded again. "I know."

I pulled her into a tight hug, and she squeezed me back just as tightly. She pushed her face into my chest. I gave her another few minutes before I kissed her head and pulled back a little.

"It's time, Ness."

She stared at the floor for a second before she looked up and swallowed. "I know." I hoped she said more than that later.

I took her hand and tugged gently. She hesitated for a second before she followed me. We walked down the hall and stopped in front of her dad's door. Her whole body was rigid as she stared at the handle. I stood behind her and rubbed her arms, waiting for her to work through it and open the door.

"I can't," she said softly.

"Do you want me to open it?"

She took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded. She reached up with one hand and grabbed mine that was on her shoulder. She squeezed my fingers tightly as I reached around her and turned the handle. I pushed the door open and looked inside. It was much brighter than I'd been expecting, and I realized the window in there was not covered. I'd have to fix that.

I guided Nessie into the middle of the room and wrapped my arms around her as I looked around. Everything was dusty, and the air was a little stale with a faint hint of cologne. There was a large bed against one wall with a light golden comforter spread neatly across it. A Papasan chair sat at the end of the bed, and a small desk was against the wall on the other side of it. Between the chair and the desk was a tall bookshelf with books and a few small trinkets. There were two doors in one corner, one was open and lead into another bathroom. I assumed the other one was the closet.

Nessie squeezed my arms, her fingernails biting into my skin. I kissed her head. "It's okay, baby. You can do this."

She didn't say anything. She pulled away from me, so I let her go. She took slow steps and walked over to the chair to look at some pictures that hung on the wall. I walked with her. There were three pictures, one of a man with Nessie's hair color holding a pretty brown-haired, pregnant woman—I assumed it was Nessie's mother—in a position similar to how I'd held Nessie when we entered the room. Another picture was just the brown-haired woman, and the third was a younger Nessie.

She reached up and took the picture of the man and woman off the wall and looked at it for a moment. I put my hands on her shoulders and kissed her head as I looked at it with her.

"This is my mom and dad," she said quietly. Her voice was a little strained. Her mother's eyes were almost the same color as hers. Her hair was the same color brown as her eyes, and it was long and straight. She had it swept over her shoulder in the picture, and the ends of it touched the man's arm around her waist. Their hands rested together on her swollen stomach, her fingers intertwined with his. He was a little taller than her, but there wasn't quite the height difference I had with Nessie. His eyes were vivid green, and his hair looked like it had been windblown. They were both smiling happily.

A drop of water landed on the glass above her parent's hands, and Nessie sniffled. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and kissed her hair.

"Are you okay?" I asked gently.

She sniffled again and shrugged weakly against my arms. She put the picture back on the wall and started to turn. I let go of her shoulders and let her turn to me. She wiped her eyes and looked up. "Could you get a blanket to cover the window?"

I had almost forgotten about that. I nodded and kissed her one more time. "Sure. I'll be right back."

I left to grab one of the blankets we'd put in the living room and some thumb tacks to hold it to the wall. When I got back to the room, Nessie was standing by the desk holding some papers.

"How's this?" I asked. She looked up at me, and I gestured to the blanket.

She nodded. "That will be great. Thank you, Jake."

"Sure." I put the blanket up as quickly as I could, looking over at her every few seconds. She never moved away from the desk and never put the paper down. When I was done, I turned on the light and went over to her. The paper she was holding was an unfinished drawing, but it wasn't hard to tell it was Nessie's mom.

"Did your dad do this?"

She nodded and put it down. "Yeah. He was an artist. He drew a lot of things, but I think his favorite was my mom." She sniffled again and turned to stand on her toes and kiss me. "Did you grab some more boxes?"

Shit. "No, but I'll get some now. Where do you want to start?"

She sighed. "I guess here." She gestured to the desk.

I nodded. "Okay. Be right back." I ran out to the living room and got a few boxes. She went through all of the papers and threw away ones that weren't important anymore. She tried to throw away some hospital records, but I wouldn't let her. She'd need hers for obvious reasons, and having her dad's could be helpful in the future even if it had been two years. Through it all I just sat beside her and let her do what she needed to do. She'd stop and stare at something for a moment before sniffling and deciding if it was something she wanted to keep. She told me a few things about some pieces, like the award she'd won for perfect attendance in fourth grade. She was surprised he'd kept hold of it for so long.

When we'd finished the desk, she took the pictures from the wall and put them in a box. We did the bookcase after that; she just handed me things and I put them in boxes. Once that was done, there wasn't much else other than closet and bathroom. The bathroom wasn't huge, and she put everything—including his toothbrush—into a box. I gave her a funny look, and she blushed.

"I can't . . . I can't get rid of anything yet."

My heart broke for her. After my dad died, I'd gone through and gotten rid of a ton of shit. It was all shit he'd told me specifically he didn't want me to keep or things that I would have no use for. It had hurt like a motherfucker when I gave it away, but I was able to do it. Somehow, I had expected Nessie to do the same thing. I was starting to realize that that wasn't going to happen. The papers that she didn't need were one thing. Things he'd used on a daily basis—things that held a connection to him—were a different story. I didn't care if it took up every inch of my shed; I wasn't going to expect to get rid of anything of his.

"That's okay, baby. Just do what you need to do." I kissed her head and helped her put everything into boxes.

With the bathroom done, there was only his closet and the bed left. Nessie asked me to check under the bed, so I did. There wasn't anything other than a few dust bunnies. I also took the sheets and blankets off and set them with the boxes we'd finished and taped up. Nessie sat down on the mattress for a second and stared at her lap. She had been doing so much better than I'd dreamed she could, and I was so proud of her. She'd shed silent tears almost the whole time, but there was no sign yet of a breakdown. A part of me wondered if she was holding things back for my sake. I hoped that wasn't the case. I sat down beside her and took her hand.

"How are you doing?"

She shrugged one shoulder and looked up at me. Her eyes were wide and bright from her tears. "I don't know."

Even if I hated seeing her so sad, it was much better than a breakdown. I nodded and kissed her knuckles. "Should we take a break, or do you want to get started on the closet?"

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think I should keep going while I can."

I agreed with her. She took another moment to hesitate before she got up and went to the closet door. I stood behind her as she opened it up. My stomach dropped a little from disappointment; the closet was huge. It was a walk-in closet that could probably have doubled as another small room. Clothes hung on hangers and some were in the hamper. There was also a small dresser in the corner. I guess that would explain why there weren't any in the rest of the room. Shoes were on the floor in front of another little set of two drawers.

Nessie took a few steps in and stopped next to a row of long-sleeved shirts. She ran her fingers over the fabric, and I put my hands on her shoulders. I ran my fingers through her hair as she lifted one of the sleeves to her face and took a deep breath. Her body went rigid, and her fist clenched on the shirt. I tried to pull her back to me, and she turned to plant her face in my chest. I held her tightly as she sobbed twice. She gripped my shirt tightly as she started to shake.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered, her voice breaking. I kissed the top of her head. She moved away from me, and I let her go reluctantly. She needed to take a break whether she wanted one or not. She didn't look up at me, but it was clear she was breathing heavily. Her arms wrapped around her stomach as she turned and leaned into his shirts. She sobbed again and bent over, almost falling into the clothes. I caught her and tried to get her to leave.

"You need a break, baby."

One hand shot out to grab a shirt, and she shook her head. She was close to hyperventilating. "I love you, Daddy," she sobbed. I didn't want to make her leave, but I didn't know how healthy this really was. I prayed to God she didn't think she was actually talking to her dad.

"Come on, Ness. Just a few minutes to calm down, okay?" I tugged lightly on her hand, hoping she'd come with me.

Suddenly she dropped the shirt and ripped her hand from mine. She nearly tripped as she turned quickly and ran out of the closet. I sighed and started to follow her, then I heard her in the bathroom. She wasn't in her dad's bathroom, she'd gone to her own. My heart broke again, and I went after her.

She was hunched over the toilet, and I sat on the edge of the tub to gather her hair and hold it back for her. It hurt bad enough to hear her getting sick, but it was only worse when she was crying through it all. I rubbed her back and decided that we were done in her dad's room. I was not putting her through this again. If she'd let me, I'd just take everything in the closet to my house and let her go through it there when she was ready. I probably should have done that with the whole damn room.

It seemed to last forever. When I was sure she couldn't possibly have anything left to purge, she'd heave again. She was shaking and barely able to hold herself up by the time she was done. She wiped her mouth on her arm, and I got up to get a rag for her to clean herself with. I sat down on the floor and pulled her on to my lap. She was almost completely limp, still shaking as she melted into me. I ran my fingers through her hair and let her rest for a minute before I made her look up at me.

In all the time I'd known her and all the breakdowns I'd seen, I had never seen her eyes so numb. They were unfocused and so clear, but there was nothing there. I kissed her sweaty forehead and held her tighter.

"I think we're done for the day. Are you okay?"

Her eyes barely met mine, but I could tell she wasn't really seeing me. She was staring through me rather than at me. After a long moment, she closed her eyes and shrugged weakly. I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom to lay her on her bed. I laid on my side beside her. She didn't move at all, but I pulled her up next to me and rubbed her back.

"I'm here for you, Ness. Please talk to me."

She was still quiet for a long time. I didn't rush her. I just prayed she would say something or do something to let me know she was at least going to be okay. I didn't know what to do if she wasn't. I wondered if I could call Dr. Furst and find out what to do.

Another fifteen minutes passed, and she hadn't even moved. Her eyes were open, but she didn't seem to be looking at anything in particular. Her eyes didn't even move. Her breathing was shallow and slow. I was really starting to panic when she finally did something. She took a shaky breath and nuzzled her face against my chest.

"I love you," she said quietly. Her voice was scratchy, and it hurt my throat to hear it. I was happy regardless; at least she'd said something.

"I love you, too, Nessie. What can I do?"

"You can . . . Jake . . ." Her fingers gripped my shirt, and although it was a feeble hold, I had a feeling she was using all the strength she had. I looked down at her and sighed when I saw tears in her eyes again. I kissed her head.

"Let me help you, baby. What do you need?"

She shook her head slowly, and her body shuddered. "Go home."

I held her a little tighter. "We'll go home, Ness, but right now I need to know what to do to help you."

She sobbed once, but there was barely any force behind it. "No, Jake. Go home."

I raised an eyebrow as something began to eat at my stomach. "What do you mean?" I made her look up at me and kissed her forehead.

She licked her lips and took a slow, deep breath. "You don't have to stay here anymore."

I refused to believe she was telling me to leave without her. "We will go home, Nessie. I promise we'll go home, but we need to finish first. I thought maybe we could—"

She reached up with one shaky hand and put her fingers over my mouth. She sniffled and finally met my eyes. I had never seen her so resigned and broken. It hurt me to see her in so much pain, but it hurt even worse to know what she had meant. "Don't do this to yourself, Jake. Just go home."

I pulled back and tightened my hold on her. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

"We can't work. Look at me; I can't even go through my dad's room without falling apart. I can't do anything without falling apart. No matter how much I want to be or how hard I try, I can't ever be what you need."

I told myself to just keep breathing. She was scared and hurt, and I couldn't even imagine what seeing her dad's room was like for her. She was being irrational because of that pain. She couldn't really mean this . . . could she? "That's ridiculous. You are exactly what I need, Ness, and you have been doing so much better. You'll get even better with therapy. I am not going home without you."

She shook her head and tried to push away from me. I didn't let her go. Her brow furrowed. "Jake . . . You need to stop pretending. How many times am I going to have to fall apart before you realize I'm too broken?"

Not this shit again. I held her tighter and tried really hard not to hurt her. "No, Nessie. I'm not letting you do this. I'm not going to get sick of you, for fuck's sake, and I'm not giving up until you believe me."

She pushed on my chest twice before she gave up. I loosened my grip just to make sure I wasn't holding too tightly, but I didn't let go. "How?" she asked, her eyes pleading. "How can you love me? You know I'm never going to be fixed."

I hated the way she said that. Like she was some broken toy that nobody wanted to play with. My chest was burning with anger, and I just prayed I could convince her to stop fighting me. I needed her. I kissed her head. "I don't want you to get _fixed_, Nessie. I want you to get better. And you will; you just have to give therapy a chance."

I tried to kiss her lips, but she pulled back from me. My stomach churned; she hadn't pulled away from a kiss since before we realized we both loved each other.

"You don't know what you're saying." She kept her eyes down, staring at my chest. "You should go home and think about it."

I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to hit something or yell at her. "Think about what?"

She sobbed weakly again. "Think about whether or not you really want to condemn yourself to me. I'm not okay."

"_Condemn_ myself . . .? Dammit, Nessie." I sat up. I needed to put just a little bit of distance between myself and her before I hurt her. I took a few deep breaths and counted to ten three times. I wouldn't hurt her.

"I love you," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

I laughed once without humor. "Then why are you doing this?" I looked over at her, and she stared back blankly for a second.

"Because you deserve better than me."

Counting wasn't doing shit. I stood up and started to pace her small room, clenching and unclenching my fists. "That's fucking bullshit, Nessie. If I didn't think you were what I needed, I wouldn't fucking be here." I really needed to hit something. I heard her crying quietly, and it only pissed me off more. "Why the fuck do you think you're not good enough?"

I turned to look at her, and she rolled to her back to stare at the ceiling as she answered me. "I can't even hold myself together, Jake. How can I be what you need?" Her voice was flat, like she'd given up.

I knew she was hurt, but goddammit, this was not how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to let me help her. "Do you really want me to leave?"

Her eyes slipped shut for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and nodded. "I want you to leave."

My heart broke, and my eyes watered. How could she want that? She loved me, I knew she did. Why couldn't she just . . . fucking _understand_? I turned and marched to the door, but stopped before I walked out. I remembered what she'd said after I walked out the first time.

_Yell at me, Jake. Yell and scream and throw things—I don't care. Just please . . . please don't ever leave like that again._

I didn't think this was any different. She wasn't calm and asking me to leave because she wanted me to leave. She was upset and asking me to leave because she thought she wasn't worth it. How the fuck was I going to convince her otherwise? I loved her, though, and I meant every word when I told her I wouldn't give up until she believed me.

I made up my mind and turned back to her. Her eyes were still closed, but her mouth was turned down in a frown as she cried. Her arms were crossed over her stomach, and her hands held her shirt probably as tightly as she could hold. I walked back to the bed, and she opened her eyes curiously as I put one knee on the mattress. I bent over her and held myself up with one hand by her head and slipped my other arm under her. I kissed her, not giving a shit if I was gentle or not. She could hate me later; right now I had a point to prove. She struggled against me and tried not to let me in, but I was stronger than her. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and kissed her roughly. She tasted funny—too sweet—but it didn't bother me. I remembered that she hadn't washed her mouth out after she got sick and wondered briefly if that was why she struggled so badly. I didn't care.

Her hands pushed on my chest, and I hated that she fought me so much. I just wanted to give in and see that I wasn't going anywhere. If she wanted me to leave because she was sick of me, that was one thing. This, what she was doing, was unacceptable and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I didn't want to hurt her, though, so I rested my weight on my elbow under her and grabbed her wrists with my free hand. I tried to be gentle as I pushed them away from my chest. She struggled harder for a few seconds before she finally gave up the fight.

I felt the moment she did. She stopped trying to pull her hands away from mine and started to kiss me back. When I was sure she wasn't going to start fighting again, I let go of her hands and moved to be closer to her. Her fingers grabbed my shirt, but she just held on. I kissed her until it felt time to stop and pulled back just enough to look into her eyes.

"Do you really want me to leave?" I asked.

Two tears slipped down her temples and into her hair. She shook her head and sniffled. "No, Jake. I want to be with you."

I'd never been so relieved in my life. "Be honest with me, Ness. If you say yes now that you want me, I don't ever want to hear you tell me to leave again. I want you; you are all I want. I mean that, and no matter how many times you break apart, I will always be there to put you back together. You have to let me, though. If you don't want me to be here for you, I need to know now."

I wasn't sure I'd actually be able to leave, but I knew I had to at least give her that option.

She lifted her arms slowly to hold onto my shoulders. "I want you, Jake," she said softly. "I want you more than you can know. But I'm broken and can't be fixed. I tried to be okay for you. I tried to hold myself together, and I just couldn't. Are you sure you want me?"

I kissed her lips again, softly this time. "I have never been surer of anything."

"I want to make you happy. I don't see how I can, but I'll do my best."

I sighed and shook my head. Why was it so hard for her to believe me? "Nessie, you make me happier than I have been in a long time just by being you." I met her eyes again, and she licked her lips. "I love you."

She smiled a small smile, and I was thrilled to see it. I laid down next to her, and she turned on her side to push herself against me. I held her gently and just rubbed her back.

"I'm sorry," she said after a moment. "For all that."

I kissed her forehead. "Don't be sorry. Just don't ever do it again."

She smiled again and nuzzled her face against my shirt. "I'm tired," she said quietly. She sucked in a huge yawn, and I smirked.

"You needed a break anyway. Take a nap, baby. I'll be here."

She nodded and relaxed against me. A whole five seconds couldn't have passed before her breathing evened out, and she was asleep. I tightened my arms around her and sighed. I'd call Leah after Nessie woke up to see if she'd come help me get the closet packed up. I wasn't letting Nessie go back in that room. I closed my eyes and listened to her breathing. I wasn't tired, and I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I wasn't moving until she woke up.

* * *

A/N: So there you have it. Thanks for reading!

I'm on Twitter – SheeWolf85


	30. Beautiful Release

A/N: OMG, you guys are the best! I really expected some people to be upset over both Nessie's and Jacob's actions in the last chapter, but you all totally understood everything. It brings a happy tear to my eye.

*sigh* The story must go on. I love this chapter, and the song is such an amazing one. If, by some chance, you haven't heard it, I command you to go listen to it right now. You can go to the playlist page (givemeasignplaylist . weebly . com) or just go to youtube.

I don't own it. Enjoy!

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Beautiful Release

_I need some distraction  
Oh, a beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
Oh and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight  
In the arms of the angel_

- Angel – Sarah McLachlan

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_**Renesmee**_

I woke up feeling more tired than I had felt when I went to sleep. My body was exhausted, so drained that it was difficult to move at all. My mind was strangely clear, though; rested and ready again. It didn't matter how tired my body was, I wouldn't be going back to sleep.

Instead of trying, I opened my eyes. Jacob was beside me, and he smiled as his arm tightened around me.

"Good morning again," he said with a smirk.

"Morning." My throat hurt worse than it had earlier before my nap, and I winced when I swallowed.

"Did you sleep okay?"

I nodded and turned on my back to stretch out. My arms were above my head, and I smiled to myself when I felt his hand rub my stomach. I wondered if he'd take the invitation I unwittingly gave him again. I had to remember what stretching like this with him meant.

I didn't move my hands down even after I'd finished stretching. I let my arms go limp and just looked over at him as he moved his hand up between my breasts. He met my eyes and smiled the most handsome smile I'd ever seen and leaned in to kiss me.

"I love you."

I moved one arm down to put my hand over his. "I love you, too."

He didn't move to touch either breast. He just stayed there in the middle like he was feeling my heartbeat. It was somehow more intimate than the way he'd touched me that morning. I hated to break the spell. "Do we need to finish the closet?" Of course that would be yes.

He met my eyes and moved his hand around to my side, under my breast. "I don't want you to go back in there. If it's okay with you, I was thinking we'd just take everything out, and you could go through it later at my house."

I turned on my side and pushed my face into his chest. I had wondered it before, but now I was really curious if he could read my mind. I was terrified to go back in that room. It wasn't going to get any easier, and I knew it.

"I just don't want you to have to go through that again." His fingers ran through my hair.

I nodded without looking up. I wasn't even sure what to say. How many times would I have to thank him to even make up a fraction of the gratitude I felt? I kissed his chest. "I love you, Jake."

He kissed the top of my head. "I love you, too. So it's okay if we do that?" I nodded again, and he smoothed my hair down. "Good. I'll call Leah and see if she can help."

I tried to worm myself closer to him and wished we could stay in bed the rest of the day. I wasn't even sure what time it was, but somehow I hoped it was too late to do much.

A little while later, we both got up. I was a little dismayed to find it wasn't even four o'clock yet. Jake went to call Leah, and I went to the bathroom to try to fix myself. I didn't look in the mirror as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I needed a shower, too, but that could wait for later. I finished rinsing my mouth out and sat on the closed toilet to think about everything that had happened. Going in my dad's room had been the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I wasn't even sure if identifying his body could top it. At that time, seeing his body had been a dream to me. It wasn't real, so it didn't really matter what happened. I was fully aware of reality as I stared at the door handle, knowing without a doubt that my own personal hell waited on the other side.

Jacob had been the only thing keeping me from dying as we went through the room. I had to hold myself together for him. I was able to block so much, but the closet broke me. It was too much of him in one space. Clothes, shoes, ties, drawers that held pictures and things he'd loved, and so many other things that he'd used or we'd looked at on a near daily basis.

Once I started to fall, every little memory and emotion from the other things we'd done in the room swarmed over me. I couldn't remember running for the bathroom, but I hated myself when I felt Jacob's hand on my back. He didn't need to see this. He shouldn't be here, wasting so much of himself on someone who couldn't even clean out a closet.

My eyes watered, and I leaned forward on the toilet as I remembered how hard I had fought to get him to leave. I had thought he was just being stubborn, and if I just held my ground a little longer, he'd give in. He didn't, of course. He could out-stubborn a mule. But I was grateful for that, because I knew in my heart I wouldn't survive watching him walk away from me.

I sighed and told myself I should get up and leave the bathroom. I didn't want to. I heard Jake's voice as he talked to Leah on the phone and explained the situation. I couldn't make out words, but I hoped he was telling her what happened in a way that wouldn't make me seem like a total freak. It surprised me sometimes the things he would talk to her about.

I stood up and decided I would go out there. As I reached for the handle, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and winced. My God, I looked terrible. I was even paler than usual, and the circles under my eyes were more noticeable. Was that from getting sick earlier? My hair was wiry and looked damp even though it wasn't. I couldn't remember looking so awful in a while. I used to look like this on a daily basis, but recently I'd been doing better. I didn't want to leave the bathroom. Even if Jake had seen me like this before, I was embarrassed. I wanted to be pretty for him.

I sighed and sat back down on the toilet. I wasn't going to leave until Jake got suspicious and came to find me. Even then, I wasn't so sure. I could just lock the door. Then again, he'd probably end up kicking it down to get me. I sighed again and leaned down to put my chin in my hand.

Jake didn't come knock on the door. Maybe he knew I needed this time? How much time did I really need, though? I could take a shower now, but I wasn't sure how I felt about that knowing Leah would be over soon.

I didn't have any way to measure time, but it felt like an hour or so before Jake finally knocked.

"Ness, Leah's here. Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just need another minute." I got up and got my brush. It probably wouldn't do any good, but I couldn't see how it could make anything worse.

I heard him sigh. "Are you sure?"

I tugged the brush through my hair and frowned when it was more tangled than I'd thought. "I'm sure, Jake."

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything." He sounded reluctant to leave me alone, and I prayed he understood that it wasn't like it was before. I wasn't shutting him out; I just needed a minute to be a girl.

I finished brushing my hair and got out my makeup bag. I had thought about packing it the day before, but for some reason I wanted to keep it out for a highly unlikely emergency. I wondered as I unzipped it and dug through it for my concealer if I'd had a moment of clairvoyance. I realized as I dabbed some under my eyes that I was being way beyond ridiculous. Since when did I care so much about my appearance? Yes, I wanted to look nice for Jake, but this was going overboard. I couldn't just stop now, though. I had to at least put on some powder, otherwise the concealer would stick out and make me look even worse. I rolled my eyes at myself and searched the bag for my compact. I'd done half my face when Jake knocked on the door again.

"Are you sure you're okay, Ness?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's, um . . . It's a girl thing."

"Oh . . . Uh, okay."

I smiled to myself. He sounded a little nervous. I finished the powder and started to put everything away when there was another knock.

"Nessie, can I come in?" Leah said.

I sighed. Crap. If Jake sent her, there was probably no escaping this. "Yeah."

She came in and quickly shut the door. "You okay?" she asked, her eyes roaming over me. "Jake said you were having a girl problem."

I sighed, and I'm pretty sure I blushed, too. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just . . . I look like hell and thought I'd try to clean up a little bit."

She nodded and reached out to comb her fingers through a chunk of my hair. "You don't look like hell, but I can help you if you want. I'm not the greatest with makeup, but I know a few tricks."

She looked sort of hopeful, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I agreed. She smiled and took my bag to dig through it for eyeliner and eye shadow. I'd never had any help with my makeup, and I wondered what she would come up with. In the end, it wasn't really that bad. She gave me a light gold eye shadow with brown eyeliner and some light mascara. She told me I shouldn't put any blush on because my natural blush was pretty enough. I think I blushed when she said that, and she smiled. She gave me some chapstick for my lips.

"I don't think you want to go all out with lipstick, do you?"

I shook my head. "I hate lipstick. It tastes funny and never lasts for very long."

She laughed and nodded. "Same with me. Should we do your hair, too?"

I shrugged. "I guess. If you want to."

She nodded again and stood behind me, turning me so we faced the mirror. "Your hair is so pretty. I wish I had your color."

"I like yours better. At least yours behaves." Even now, her hair was perfectly straight without a single black strand out of place.

She smirked and pulled the brush through some lingering tangles. "Yeah, well, guys like the untamed look. It makes them think of sex."

I blushed hard. "Really?"

I met Leah's eyes in the mirror and she smiled as she nodded. "Yeah. Ever heard of sex hair?"

I raised an eyebrow. "No."

"I forget how naïve you are. That's not bad; don't take that wrong." As she spoke, she pulled the top half of my hair back and separated it. "Guys like innocence, too. Innocent sex hair. I should try that for Sam some day."

I couldn't help but smile. When Leah was done with my hair, I had a half a pony tail on the top, and the bottom fell down my back. She'd made it so some strands were loose in the front, and it looked laid-back and casual instead of pristine and perfect.

"Well, there you go. All done."

I turned to smile at her. "Thank you."

She hugged my shoulders. "You're welcome, sweetie. Now let's go find Jake and watch him check you out." She winked at me and opened the door.

Jake was on the couch bouncing his leg impatiently when we walked into the living room. Leah quickly pushed me behind her.

"Jacob, I present to you: Renesmee Masen." She pulled me out to her side and swiped her hand over me like I was an exhibit. I felt silly; it wasn't like Jake had never seen me made up before. And I was still in my pajamas. Nothing special there.

But Jake smiled and got up off the couch. He kissed me and ran his fingers through the bottom half of my hair. "You look beautiful, baby."

I blushed and licked my lips. "Thanks."

He glanced at Leah with a look I knew meant he was sharing some kind of best friend code with her. She nodded, and he turned back to me.

"We kind of got started on the closet, but we've still got a ways to go. Leah and I are going to do it; I really don't want you to go back in there."

I smiled reassuringly up at him. "Don't worry, Jake; I don't want to go in there anyway. I think I'll double-check the rest of the house."

He kissed my forehead. "Okay. Holler if you need me. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Jake and Leah went back to my dad's room, and I sighed as I looked around. The boxes we'd packed up before had already been taken out, packed either in Jake's car or Sam's huge black truck. I was actually happy that Leah had come over. I didn't want Jake to have to make multiple trips just to get all my crap moved. With her help, it might take two. No more than that, though.

I sighed and looked around the living room. It wasn't strange to see bare walls, but I had actually gotten used to seeing Jake's little TV on the TV stand. It was gone now, and the stand looked weird. It seemed funny to me how it could look strange now when it hadn't had anything on it until Jake brought it over. I went over to the couch and sat down as I looked at the bookshelf. As odd as the TV stand seemed, it was even weirder to see the bookshelf without books. I wondered for a moment if I wanted to keep the bookshelf. It wasn't really that special to me, though. I knew Jake would have a place for my books, so I didn't need it.

I had asked Jake if I could give the things I didn't want to a charity. I wasn't sure which charity. It didn't really matter to me, as long as none of it got thrown away.

A little while later, Jake came out to check on me. He sat next to me on the couch and wrapped his arm around me. "How are you doing?" he asked.

I shrugged and leaned in to put my head on his shoulder. "Not bad. How's it going?"

"Pretty good. Since we're just boxing everything, it's going pretty quick. There's enough stuff for maybe two or three more boxes and we'll be done." He kissed my head. "By the way, Leah said when she moved in with Sam, she had St. Vincent de Paul pick up the things she didn't want. I thought if you were okay with it, we could do the same thing."

"Okay, but who's that?"

He smirked. "It's a charity, baby."

"Oh. Yeah, that would be fine."

"Okay. They will come pick everything up if we schedule it, so I'll call them in a bit. Are you okay out here?"

I nodded, but somehow a part of me was just starting to realize that this was it. So soon, I would be leaving this house forever.

Jacob kissed my head. "You do look nice, by the way. I like your hair like this."

I met his eyes and smiled. "Thank you. Leah did it. Thanks for sending her in there, by the way."

He chuckled. "I didn't." He raised his voice a little, probably to make sure Leah could hear him. "I actually told her to leave you alone, but that woman never listens to me."

"Hey!" Leah called from the bedroom. Jake and I both laughed.

"I'm going to get back in there and help get the rest of it packed. I love you." He kissed my lips.

"I love you, too." I watched him walk down the hall to my dad's room. I heard him and Leah talking as I stared into the empty living room. I sighed and pulled my feet up onto the couch, wrapping my arms around my knees. I needed to say goodbye. How, though? How was I supposed to leave this place that I'd known all my life?

I wasn't sure, but I did know it wasn't going to be by sitting on the couch until Jacob had to drag me out. I got up and went, half numb, to the kitchen. Maybe it would be a good thing when I wasn't here all the time. Maybe I could get away from the memories easier. I knew better, though. No matter how far I went from this house, I would always remember. I would always dream of the dead me coming to slit either my wrists or my throat. It had been my throat more recently, and I wondered what that meant. If anything.

I closed my eyes and put my hands on the counter. I took a few deep breaths and opened my eyes when I heard someone come down the hall.

"You okay?" Leah asked. I looked up to see her holding a box with my dad's sheets sitting on top. I nodded and tried not to think. "Okay. We're going to start loading stuff; it shouldn't be too much longer." She smiled and walked out the door.

I swallowed and turned to open the empty cupboards. I made up the excuse that I was making sure we didn't leave anything behind. I wasn't sure what the truth was, but I barely even noticed if there was anything there. Once I'd looked through each cupboard twice, I moved to the fridge. There were a few things there; just enough to eat for a few days. Jake had mentioned something about taking what was left with us when we went to his house. I sighed and closed the fridge. I stood there for a few minutes, not sure what I wanted to do. Without any conscious decision, I found my feet carrying me back to my bedroom.

Leah had already come back in, and I heard Jake laugh about something as I passed my dad's room. The sound of tape being pulled made my eyes water, and I hurried into my room.

I had never had much set out, but somehow it felt so empty now. The few things that I did have—a few figurines and maybe some clothes—were all packed up, and the room felt so hollow. I sat on the bare mattress of my bed and sighed again. How was I going to do this? I couldn't say goodbye to this house without saying goodbye to my dad, and that just felt wrong. I wanted to lock my bedroom door and never come out again. I could do that, right? I could stay locked in here for the rest of my life and just remember my dad and all the times we'd had together.

I jumped when there was a knock at the door. I realized as I looked up at Jacob that I couldn't breathe. His eyes widened, and he came to sit next to me.

"What's wrong, Ness?"

I put my face on his shoulder and tried to suck in air. My chest was closed off, and I was suffocating. Jake scooted back on the bed and pulled me onto his lap before making me look up at him.

"Breathe with me, baby." He kissed my lips and took a deep breath, just like he'd done before. It felt like ages ago now. "Calm down, Ness. It's okay."

I stared into his eyes and clung to him, forcing my lungs to pull in a deep breath. He rubbed my back and took another deep breath, and I tried to follow him. It got easier the more I did it. He let go of my chin, and I pushed my face into his chest.

"Is she okay?" I heard Leah ask.

Jake nodded, and it shook me just a little bit. "Yeah, I think so. You wanna load the last few boxes?"

I didn't hear a response, but I assumed she agreed. Jacob kissed my head again, and I closed my eyes tightly. I needed to get over this so I could move on. A few minutes later, he made me look up at him again.

"What's wrong, baby?"

I took one more deep breath and kissed him. "I'm scared."

He held me tighter and nodded. "Why are you scared?"

It took me a minute to be able to get my thoughts into rational words. I knew what was wrong, but speaking it was a different story. "I don't know how to say goodbye. To the house, I mean. And my dad. I don't . . . I don't know if I can."

He kissed me and pulled me close again, laying his cheek on my head. "I love you, Nessie. I wish to God there was a way I could make this easy on you. But no matter what, I will always be here for you. Remember that you're not saying goodbye to your dad; just the house."

I closed my eyes and felt a tear fall down my cheek. "It's the same thing."

"It's not the same, baby. This house is just a house. It's not your dad. You will never walk away from your dad. Trust me, please. I know it's hard, baby. Believe me, I know. After my dad died—and I know it's not the same situation—I had to say goodbye, too. He's not really gone, though. I still remember him. Hell, I still talk to him when I go see his grave."

He was right; it wasn't the same situation. He wasn't facing losing the only home he'd ever known. I sighed and pushed down an unexpected rush of bitterness. I couldn't get mad at Jake for trying to make me feel better. He kissed me, and I sniffled as I looked into his eyes. They were concerned and cautious, but so full of love it almost hurt me to see it. There was a part of me that felt like right now I was choosing between my dad and Jake. I could choose to give in and agree with him, or I could choose to be stubborn and hold on to the belief that I was losing even more of my dad right along with the house. There was another part of me that knew there really was no choice. I wasn't giving anything up to be with Jake. No matter which way I chose, the house was already gone. Jake didn't require sacrifices; only that I trust him. I did trust him.

"I love you," I said softly.

He kissed my lips again then my forehead. "I love you, too, baby."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again as I buried my face in Jake's neck. "I'm still scared, but I'm ready to do this." God, I hoped I really was.

He squeezed me tightly for a second. "It'll be okay, Ness. You'll see."

A few seconds later, I heard Leah knock lightly on the door. "Believe it or not, I actually got everything packed on the truck. We'll only need to come back once to put the stuff out for Vinnie's. You guys need another minute?"

"Thanks, Leah." Jake kissed my head. "Are you ready?"

I sighed. I wasn't ready. Not even close. But I knew that if I didn't get out now, I never would. I could make another run through, but I was scared it would only make it hurt worse. Better to just leave and take my dad with me. My hands fisted in Jake's shirt, and I nodded. I looked up at him and paid close attention to my breathing. "I'm ready."

He kissed me one more time, and we got up. I clung to him, keeping my eyes on his arm as I just let him lead me out to the car. It was still daylight, but the sun was fading fast. I got in the car and closed my eyes; I refused to watch the house as we drove away. Jake took my hand after he started the car and held onto it as he shifted.

For a moment, as we backed out of the driveway, I panicked. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to suck in a deep breath. Jake's fingers tightened on mine, and I clenched my jaw to keep from saying anything. I knew I would only hurt him if I told him to take me back. I forced myself to remember all the times he'd held me and how he'd touched me that morning. Didn't I want that more than anything else?

I did. I knew I did. So instead of hurting him yet again, I kept my mouth shut and let the tears slide silently down my cheeks. I stared out the window, barely seeing the trees and houses that passed by.

When we got to Jake's house, I went in and sat on the couch while he and Leah unloaded everything. A part of me felt useless, but a much larger part was amazed I'd even made it this far. Not to mention Jake wouldn't let me carry anything in anyway. I listened impassively to Jake's and Leah's voices as they came and went, and I just stared at the light brown carpet under my feet.

It felt like only seconds and an eternity at the same time before Jake came to sit beside me. "We got everything in," he said as he rubbed my back.

I looked up and saw the room for the first time. I'd been to Jake's house before when he needed to get something, but I'd never stayed long or went past the living room because he didn't have the windows covered before. There was a window behind the couch, but a black curtain stopped any light from coming in. The room itself wasn't huge, but it was big enough and held the black couch I was on along with a recliner, a dark wooden coffee table, and a small entertainment center made of what looked like the same dark wood. It would have been roomy if it weren't for the boxes piled against the wall.

There was a hallway on my left just past the entryway, and I assumed that it led to the bedrooms. The kitchen came before the hallway opposite the entryway, and it was joined to a dining room with a small table and chair set. A huge bookcase sat in the dining room, but it wasn't full. It seemed I'd have a place for my books after all.

I finally turned my eyes up to Jake, and he smiled at me. I tried to smile back.

"We need to head back tonight and get the beds and everything out to the driveway for the people to pick it up in the morning. Do you want to come back with us, or do you want to stay here?"

I was afraid to go back to the house, especially since I knew Jake wouldn't let me do anything helpful. I wasn't strong like him and Leah; there wasn't much I'd be able to do even if he did let me help. "I think I'll stay here."

He nodded and kissed me. After he and Leah left, I got up and went to the bookcase in the dining room. I smiled to myself; most of his books were science-fiction. I picked one that looked fairly interesting and went back to the couch. I didn't even get past the first page before my vision was clouded with tears. The overwhelming sadness crushing my chest made it difficult to breathe again, and I finally put the book down and curled up on my side.

I had no idea how long it was before Jake and Leah got back. Jake sat next to me, and Leah took the recliner. Without saying anything, Jake pulled me close to him and kissed my head. They resumed a conversation I assumed they'd been having before, and I just pretended to listen as I rested back on Jake. I didn't really hear many of the words; I just listened to the rumble of Jake's voice with my ear against his chest. With my eyes closed, I did my best to keep my thoughts centered on the fluctuation of his pitch and the tiny flutter in my stomach that happened when he laughed.

Little by little, the empty ache in my chest began to loosen, and I felt a strange but welcome lethargy drift over me. I still heard and felt Jake's voice, but it was far off as if he'd moved away from me. The weight of his arm around me and the heat of his body were proof that he was still right there, though, and I let them comfort me. It wasn't until Jake shook me that I came back to reality.

"Hey, you can't go to sleep yet," he said softly.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I was nestled against him and so comfortable that the thought of moving even an inch was torturous. He shook me again, and I grumbled internally as I finally cracked my eyes open and moved my head just enough to look up at him.

"Why not?"

He smiled at me. "We need to feed you and figure out sleeping arrangements, then you can go to bed, okay?"

I sighed. Couldn't I just sleep right here on him? Instead of pleading, I just nodded and sat up.

"When did Leah leave?" I asked as I sat up and realized she wasn't there anymore.

Jake stood up and held out his hand for me. I took it and entwined our fingers as he led me to the kitchen. "About fifteen minutes ago." He kissed my forehead and turned to open the fridge. We decided on easy sandwiches again since it was getting late, and I was exhausted. After we finished eating, Jake turned to me again.

"Want a tour of the house?"

I smiled and nodded. He kissed me and took my hand. I already knew the living room, kitchen, and dining room, but he showed me those anyway before leading me down the hall.

"Bathroom," he said as we passed a door. "There's one in my room, too." He showed me his room. It was big and open with a bed and a large dresser. I smiled when I saw his overflowing clothes hamper. Suddenly I was excited to do laundry. He took me to another door and pushed it open. "This is the, uh . . . the guest room." It was smaller than his room by almost half, but still held a queen-sized bed, a night stand, and a dresser.

When the tour was over, Jake kissed my lips. "Where do you want to sleep? You get first pick." He smoothed my hair down, and I leaned into him.

My first thought was to say that I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted to be in his arms, feel his body next to me, and listen to his heartbeat as I drifted off to sleep. My chest tightened as I realized that wasn't possible. It was my first night with him, and the only reason he'd slept beside me the night before was because I'd had a nightmare. Even if I was ready to sleep beside him every night, I couldn't expect him to want that. If I was sleeping with him, I should be ready to really sleep with him in a relationship sort of way. He'd told me several times that he wouldn't push for that, and I really did believe him. But that was why he'd given me a choice of where I could sleep, wasn't it?

My heart hurt so bad it was hard to breathe again as I resigned myself to sleeping alone. "I'll take the guest room," I said. I kept my hands to my sides; he would know something was up if I picked at my fingernails. I licked my lips and smiled up at him. I could have imagined it, but I swear he looked disappointed.

He kissed my head. "Okay. If you need anything, you know where I'll be."

I nodded and tried really hard to keep my tears in. I didn't want him to feel obligated to hold me again. A small part of me thought about having sex with him anyway just to have him hold me again without the guilt. Tempting as it was, I couldn't do that to him. He deserved more than that.

So instead, I just made my way back down the hall to the last door on the left and forced myself inside while Jake found my bag. It was dark, of course, so I flipped on the light and looked around. There were a few picture frames on the dresser, and I walked over to look at them. One was a man with a kind face sitting in a wheelchair. He looked like he was in his fifties or so and had long, black hair. He was smiling, and his eyes reminded me of Jake. The other picture was the same man in the wheelchair with a younger boy standing behind him. I smiled involuntarily; the boy was a gangly teenager—maybe fifteen years old—with shaggy, shoulder-length black hair, but it was unmistakably Jacob. His smile and his eyes gave him away.

I opened the drawers of the dresser and found all four of them empty. I moved over to the bed and sat on the side of it as I opened the drawer of the nightstand. Two more pictures were inside, and I pulled them out. One was a beautiful, tanned woman with long brown hair, green eyes, and a devastating smile. I wondered if it was Jacob's mother. He'd said she had the most beautiful green eyes, and I had to agree. The other picture was a baby in a diaper, standing and holding on to a cupboard in a kitchen that didn't look familiar. He was smiling at the camera and showing off the two bottom teeth that were just starting to come in. The picture made my heart clench and my gut flutter at the same time.

"What did you find?"

I turned to see Jacob putting my bag on the bed beside me. I stood up and held up the pictures I was looking at. The flutter in my gut got worse as he got close to me.

"Oh, God . . . I forgot I put these in here." He reached out and surprised me by taking the baby picture out of my hand.

"Wait; I liked that one." I took it back. He didn't fight me, but he did seem a little uncomfortable as I stared at the adorable baby's face. "Who is this?"

He cleared his throat. "I guess I could lie and say it's a nephew or something."

I smiled and understood. "This is you, isn't it?" He nodded sheepishly, and the knowledge just made the flutter get worse. "That's nothing to be embarrassed about. You were so cute."

He laughed nervously and took the picture from me. I surrendered it; I'd be able to look at it any time I wanted. He put it and the one of his mother back in the drawer and shut it. "I got your bag for you; let me know if you need anything else, okay?"

I sighed. "Okay. Thank you, Jake."

He turned to me with a smile and pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you."

I hugged him back and wished I had the nerve to ask him to stay with me. I just couldn't, though. Not this soon. I'd make him think something was going to happen when it really wouldn't, and we'd just go downhill from there. I could see it all pay out in my head as I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to be okay with this.

"I love you, too."

"Sleep well, baby." He kissed my head, and I fought the urge to pull him down or a passionate kiss.

"You, too, Jake."

He bent down and kissed my lips softly before he walked out of the room. I stared after him for a second before I sighed and started to get ready for bed.

* * *

A/N: Darn that Nessie and her insecurities and misconceptions. Thanks for reading!


	31. Breathe In, Breathe Out

A/N: I would like to give a special thank you to those reviewers showing extra patience and understanding to Nessie's situation. You know who you are. Please don't take this to mean that I value any reviewer over another; I love and appreciate every review.

To those of you getting impatient for Nessie to spread her legs, don't give up on her yet. If you can hold out just a little bit longer, you'll see some progress in the next few chapters.

Now on to the story. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Not mine.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty

Breathe In, Breathe Out

_Breathe in, breathe out, move on and break down  
If everyone goes away, I will stay.  
We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes  
I'm not letting go, you hold the other line  
'Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes_

-Breathe In, Breathe Out – Mat Kearney

* * *

_**Jacob**_

How did I think this would be easy? Hadn't I already learned a million different times in a million different ways that things were _never_ easy with Ness?

I shook my head at myself as I sat on the edge of my bed and wondered again why it surprised me when she chose to stay in that room. The fact that it was my dad's room wasn't the worst part. Neither were the pictures, although if I was being honest with myself, they were pretty damn bad. I guess I could understand why my dad would want that particular picture. What proud dad wouldn't want pictures of their kid? But shit . . . I shouldn't have thought it'd be well-hidden in a damn drawer.

No, the worst part was that I had been convinced after the night before that she'd want to stay with me. I actually had to take a few minutes to calm down and not yell at her when she picked the other room. This was all so new to her, and the way I'd acted that morning had probably scared her away from staying with me for a long time. Did she think I'd come on to her like that every time she slept by me? I'd told her I wouldn't push her, and I really tried not to. I just hoped she would still come to me if she needed something.

I wondered briefly if it might not have anything to do with how I'd touched her. Maybe she was just nervous because we were really living together now. It was official.

I sighed and stood up to pace my room as I tried to sort out my thoughts. I needed to at least try to get some sleep. The next day was going to be another huge day for her as we figured out what to do with her stuff and went through her dad's things.

I gave up on pacing and started to walk through the house. I realized as I passed my dad's room that I really just wanted to check on Ness. I didn't fight it; I walked in quietly and hoped I didn't wake her if she was sleeping.

She was asleep already, and I was both amused and embarrassed to see the baby picture resting on the pillow beside her head. Her hand was over it, holding it in its place as she slept. I sighed and briefly touched her hair before I left the room. I walked through the house, surveying the boxes and trying to make a plan of what should get done first so we could get through it as quickly as possible.

I checked on Nessie one last time before I finally went to bed. She was still asleep on her side with her hand on the picture. I thought about putting it back in the drawer, but decided against it. I bent down and kissed her hair softly before I left the room.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up wishing I could look down into Nessie's eyes like I did before. I needed to figure out some way to convince her to sleep in my bed with me.

I got up, made coffee, got a little excited at the thought of Nessie actually living with me now, and made a game plan for the day. I didn't want her to feel like she had to put anything up, but I really hoped she did. I thought if she was able to mix her stuff with mine, she might feel a little more at home.

I was pacing the living room with my mug when she came out of the bedroom. She was wearing her sweat pants, and although I lamented the loss of the shorts, she was still sexy as hell. She fidgeted with the hem of her tank top as she smiled shyly at me.

"Good morning, Jake." She went to the kitchen, and I stayed a few feet back to admire her ass.

"Morning, Ness. How'd you sleep?" I wondered if she'd confess to sleeping with the picture.

She grimaced at the coffee maker before she shrugged and turned to me. "Not bad. You?"

I put my cup down and pulled her into a hug. "Pretty good, I guess." I leaned down and kissed her lips. "Hungry?"

She shrugged again. "I guess."

We had cold cereal for breakfast. As we ate, I noticed Nessie giving me a strange look. She had a smirk on her lips and kept glancing at me like something amused her.

"What?" I finally asked.

She blushed, and her smirk expanded. "It's nothing."

I couldn't help but smile right along with her. "No, it's something. What's so funny?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Don't laugh, okay?" I couldn't promise that, but I nodded anyway. "It just seems odd to see you sitting there eating cereal. I mean, guys like you aren't generally known for milk dripping down their chin."

I wiped my chin for the third time. "Guys like me?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. You know. I mean, you're . . . big."

I snickered. "So just because I'm a big guy, I can't eat cereal?" We were done anyway. We got up to take our bowls to the sink.

As she poured the rest of her milk down the drain, she shook her head. "No, that's not what I meant. It's just that people assume guys like you are too tough for cereal."

I couldn't help but chuckle again. I made my voice low and rough. "Cereal's too damn wimpy for me; gimme some nails and hard liquor."

Her head tilted back and her lips parted as she let out the most beautiful laughter straight from her gut. She'd laughed a lot around me, more and more as we got to know each other better, but I'd never heard her laugh like that. Just the sound of it made every single moment I'd ever been upset with her disappear.

"That's just being silly, Jake. You can't eat nails for breakfast."

I smirked. "Not the little piss-ass inch nails you're used to, no. They're not tough enough. I'm talking the 60d coated nails I work with. Six inches long and coated with cement." I held out my hands, six inches between my palms to show her the size. "And by hard liquor, I mean Everclear."

She raised her eyebrows and leaned against the counter in front of the sink. "That's a big nail. Why is it coated with cement? And what's Everclear?"

"The cement coating makes it hold better. Everclear is 190 proof alcohol; it's the strongest you can get in the States."

"Wow. I hope your masculinity can survive Froot Loops."

I chuckled. "I can only hope." I leaned down and kissed her. "I love you."

Her smile got even bigger. "I love you, too."

I stepped away from her to take my meds before I forgot. I always tried to keep the bottle on the counter unless I needed a refill just so it would be in plain sight. She watched me curiously but didn't ask any questions. I realized that, although she knew I took medication, this was the first time I'd ever actually taken it in front of her. I kissed her again. "Where would you like to start today?" I hated to take away the lighthearted mood, but we had a lot of shit to do.

She met my eyes and sighed. She knew we couldn't just forget everything, but I saw how badly she wanted to. All the hopelessness and despair she usually had in her eyes came back, and that's when I realized it had even been gone. I wanted to push everything back and make her laugh from her gut again just to see her pain-free again. Even if it was only for a few more seconds. Instead, she shrugged and pushed herself against me.

"I don't know." Her voice was heavier again.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her head. "That's okay. I thought about it a lot last night and this morning, and I think I've got a plan. Why don't we start with your books and things that go out here and work our way back?"

She pushed her face into my chest and nodded. She didn't move again for a few minutes, so I just rubbed her back and waited. Finally, she pulled away and looked up at me. Her eyes were wet.

"That would be okay." I nodded. "I think I want to get dressed first, though."

"Okay." I wasn't sure if she actually wanted to change or if she wanted to stall. Either way, I was okay with it. She went to my dad's room, and I went to mine. I got into the jean's she'd liked so much the day of our second date. I wasn't sure what it was about them. They sat lower than I was used to, but other than that they weren't much different than any other pair of pants I owned. I shrugged to myself and grabbed a t-shirt. I was a little disappointed that my black beater was dirty; I knew she loved that combination.

I met Nessie in the living room a few minutes later. She'd changed into a long, purple tank top with thick straps and a pair of tight, light gray leggings. The top was loose and went to the middle of her thighs, and mother of fuck, she was hot. She'd pulled her hair up into a pony tail, and I wanted to tell her to put it down again. I loved the way it flowed down her back when she left it alone, but I kept my mouth shut about it.

"Ready?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around her.

She took a deep breath and leaned into me with her hands on my chest. "I think so."

I kissed her lips, and we got started. She put all six of the pillows from her couch on mine and actually smiled a little. The books from her living room fit on one shelf of my bookcase. I had her put the cookbook in the kitchen; it seemed like it should belong there. She decided after a few minutes of tense, pained silence that she wanted to put her dad's up as well. Of course I said she could, and I got them for her. There were two full boxes of them, and I figured they'd fill the case up completely. It was about damn time it was used for something good.

I handed them to her, and she looked at the titles before fitting them somewhere. I realized after four of her dad's books that she was sorting them alphabetically. Her brow furrowed, and I was about to tell her she didn't have to keep going if it was too hard. She could take a break. When she met my eyes, though, it was obvious that she was frustrated about something rather than scared and close to tears.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I got two more titles out of the box.

She sighed and gave me an uneasy look. "It's nothing. I promise."

She tried to take them out of my hand, but I wasn't letting this go. I held them tighter, and her brow furrowed deeper as she tugged gently. I shook my head. "No, please tell me what's wrong."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to end up annoying the hell out of you, Jacob. My books are in order, but yours aren't. And they're separated."

I laughed and let go of the books. She looked down, and I move closer to kiss her shoulder. "You're not annoying, and I wouldn't mind too much if you integrated them and put them all in order." Somehow the thought of our books mingling like that made me happy.

She looked up at me. "You really wouldn't mind that?"

I kissed her lips. "Of course not. Go for it."

She smiled and kissed me again before turning back to the shelf. She looked over her progress for a second before just taking all of the books down and putting them the way she wanted them. It took a bit longer than I had anticipated, but at least she looked satisfied when it was done.

After the books, we went through the rest of the boxes in the living room. There were only three, including the kitchen things, and it didn't take long to get everything either put away or packed up better to be put in my shed. I was very happy when she chose to arrange the figurines from her bedroom on the bookshelf.

Once we were done, it was time to move on to things like clothes and toiletries. I knew she'd put everything up in the second bathroom and my dad's room, but fuck, I didn't want that. I had already made space for her in my room and the master bath, and I wanted her to use it. Before I could say anything about it, though, she squeezed my fingers and headed down the hall to my dad's room. Her room now, I guess. I sighed and followed her. When I got there, she had already unpacked half of her bag into the dresser.

How was I going to do this? I had to at least talk to her about it. I'd made her promise to talk to me when things bothered her, and I knew she tried. It wasn't easy for her, and I knew that, but she gave it her best effort. It wouldn't be fair of me to back out of this just because I didn't want to hear her say she'd rather sleep here than beside me.

I took a deep breath and attempted a smile when Nessie looked at me with three shirts in her hands. She gave me the kind of smile that told me she was having a hard time. As she arranged the shirts in the dresser, I sat down on the bed and zipped her bag shut. She turned to me with a confused expression.

"Can we talk for a minute, Ness?" She swallowed and took a breath. Her face and eyes gave away her dread, and I sighed as I patted the bed. "Come here, baby. It's not bad; I just want to talk to you."

She licked her lips as she came over. I put her bag on the floor and scooted back on the bed to rest against the wall. I held out my arm, and she slowly moved up next to me. I held her tightly as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"I love you."

She nodded. "I love you, too."

"You know I'm not going to push you, right?"

She looked up and met my eyes. "Push me for what?"

I shrugged the shoulder she wasn't laying against. "Anything. I only pushed so hard to get you to move in with me because I knew you didn't have anywhere else to go. But I'm also talking about sex."

She blushed and looked down again. "Yeah, I know you won't push me."

I kissed her head. "Good. Because no matter how much I want you, I will not pressure you to do anything you're not ready for. I can't say I won't ask, but I won't push if you say no. You can always tell me no, baby. Please never forget that."

She nodded again. "I know, Jake."

I held her a little tighter. "That being said, I would like to know how you feel about putting your stuff in my room."

She stiffened for a brief second before she looked up at me. "You mean my clothes and everything?"

I nodded. "I made some room in there in case you wanted to do that."

She lowered her eyes for a second, and I let her think it through. She licked her lips nervously before she met my eyes again. "Do you want me to?"

"Yes, I do, but it's up to you."

"So, I'd put my stuff in there and sleep . . . where?"

Here goes nothing. "I was hoping you'd sleep with me. In my bed, I mean."

She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She looked so scared. I sat away from the wall and touched her hair. "Remember that you can tell me no. I won't be upset." That was a lie. I would be very upset. I wouldn't put up a fight about it, though.

She looked up at me. "If I stay with you, what will happen?"

My brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

She licked her lips again. "I mean, will it just be . . . sleep?" She blushed deep and wouldn't meet my eyes.

I sighed and rubbed her back. "Nessie, this is what I'm talking about. I know you're not ready for sex, and I would never expect you to do anything before you are. I want you next to me, though, and I'm not asking for anything more than sleep." I'd even go as far as never making out in bed. I had a couch we could use for that if the bed made her uncomfortable.

She pushed herself against me. "I really want to be close to you, Jake."

I held her tightly and kissed her head. "I'm glad to hear it, baby. Can we move your things into my room?" She nodded and kissed my neck before pulling back.

She picked up her bag, and as she unzipped it, I took the clothes she'd put in the dresser and handed them to her. We were silent as she carried the bag across the hall to my room. I was eager to get everything put away so we could get this over and done with and really start living together. I helped her where I could; most of what was left, other than her dad's things, was clothes or bathroom stuff. It took a while, and neither of us said much. Every now and then, she asked me a question about where I wanted her to put something, and I usually answered by telling her wherever she wanted it was fine.

Once it was all put away or packed up for storage, she started to get nervous. I'd noticed her glancing at her dad's boxes in the corner, anxiety written all over her face. After we finished the last of her stuff, she stood facing that corner. Her whole body seemed rigid from her stance, and I walked up behind her to wrap my arms around her waist. I leaned down and kissed her neck.

"Why don't we take a break for a while? We've done a lot more than I expected to get through."

She nodded and turned in my arms to push her face into my chest. I held her tightly for a few minutes before I pulled back and led her to the living room.

"Are you hungry?" It was already past three o'clock and definitely time for lunch.

She licked her lips and shook her head. "My stomach is kind of in knots; I don't think I could eat anything right now."

I kissed her forehead. "Okay. Just promise you'll eat something later."

"I promise. But after . . . after we're done with everything."

I remembered the way she'd gotten sick after she went in her dad's closet, and I couldn't argue with her. I just nodded and kissed her again. "What would you like to do?"

She nuzzled her face into me. "I think I'd actually like to just get this done, Jake. When it's over, I can rest."

I leaned back, and she looked up at me. "Are you sure?"

She nodded and stood on her toes to kiss me. "I'm sure."

I kissed her one more time, a little harder, and tried to prepare for whatever she needed me to do to make this as easy as possible for her.

She was surprisingly calm as we opened the first box. I wasn't sure if I liked that; it was the same kind of calm she'd been as we went through her dad's room. The box was everything we'd gotten from the desk, and she decided it could all go in the shed. The second box was full of the things Leah and I had pulled out of the drawers in the closet. They were mostly some small trinkets and a few shoeboxes full of pictures. The figurines had been her mother's, she said, and I was happy when she put some of them with the others in the living room. She had to take a few minutes to breathe after she found the pictures, though. She cried into my neck, and I held her tightly until she started to calm down.

"Should we stop, baby? We don't have to finish it all today."

She sniffled. "I know we don't, but I'd really like to try."

She didn't go through the pictures, and I was thankful for that. I was sure it would push her further into a real breakdown. Instead, she just put them back in the box for a different day. All of her dad's clothing, shoes, and toiletries were put in storage. I hoped that someday we could get rid of it. It didn't seem right to have it all there when it could be given to someone who needed it, but I understood why she couldn't let it go yet.

Most of the boxes didn't even get opened. Leah and I had labeled them when we packed, and any that said clothes, shoes, ties, whatever, Nessie told me to just set aside. There was no point in opening it just to have to close it again to take it to the shed. There were only four boxes that we actually had to go through, and even then, most of it was repacked. It was a pretty quick process. She surprised me by shedding only a few quiet tears as we took everything to the back yard. It was just about six-thirty, and I tried not to make a fuss about her in the early evening sun, but I think she saw through me.

"I'm fine to help with this, Jake," she said as she stood in the light next to the shed door. "You know it takes a lot more than fifteen minutes to hurt me."

I did know that, but I still didn't want her in the light at all if it could be avoided. I just kissed her and agreed. Once everything was arranged, we went back into the house. It felt strange in the best way to think that Nessie was completely moved in. Everything put away, and she would stay in my room. I was actually really damn excited about that.

I sobered up pretty quickly when I noticed Nessie standing near the kitchen. She was staring down the hall, completely still. I walked up behind her and pulled her close. I had to say I was really fucking proud of her. She didn't respond to my touch the way I'd expected. Instead of resting against me, she pulled away.

"You okay, Ness?"

She shook her head and went down the hall without looking back at me. I followed her into my room. When I walked in, she'd already gotten onto the bed and laid down on her side with her knees pulled up to her chest. She sniffled twice, and my chest hurt with how badly I needed to comfort her. I got on the bed with her and pulled her up close to me. She didn't fight me; she unfurled herself and pushed her face hard into my chest. She grabbed my shirt, and all the tears I had thought she somehow escaped finally showed up.

I let her cry, trying to just soothe her as much as possible with my touch. She was quiet at first, only one or two sobs breaking through as her tears soaked my shirt. It didn't take long for it to escalate into a rapid succession of whole-body sobs that shook her so hard she couldn't breathe for several long seconds. I squeezed my eyes shut as I held her tighter and put my lips to her head.

"It's okay, baby," I said quietly against her hair. I couldn't even be sure she heard me. By the time she started to calm down, she'd soaked a good quarter of my shirt through. When she stopped crying, she was quiet and still aside from her sniffles. It was a few minutes before she leaned back just enough to look up at me. I kissed her forehead and met her eyes.

"You okay, baby?"

She shrugged weakly. "I don't know, Jake. I thought I was. Then we got everything out there, and it was like it was real. For the first time today, it was real. I'm not going back." She met my eyes, and the clear, unclouded torment in hers made both my heart and my stomach hurt.

"It'll get easier, Ness." I really fucking hoped that was true. "We just need to give it some time." I ran my fingers through her hair.

"How much time, though?"

"I don't know. No matter how long it might be, though, I'm here for you. And I'm pretty sure therapy will help once you start that."

"That's three weeks away, though."

"More like two and a half weeks, babe."

She rolled her eyes. I loved it when she did that, a little frustrated, but more amused. Especially after she just broke down; it took away some of the pain in her eyes. "Same thing."

I shook my head and smiled. "Not the same thing. There's at least two days' difference there."

The corners of her lips pulled up in a tiny smile, and I felt like cheering for her. "Oh, excuse me. You're so right."

I kissed her lips. "Damn straight."

She sighed and looked down to pick at the large wet spot on my shirt. "I keep doing this."

"Hey." I made her look back up at me. It didn't matter how gross it felt, I couldn't let her feel bad about crying on me. "Nessie, please don't do that. You've been through hell and back, and I can't even imagine what this is like for you. Please, _please_ don't—"

She shook her head, interrupting me. "No, Jake. I meant I keep ruining your shirt."

Her unexpected humor caught me off guard. It took me a minute to understand that she was trying to joke with me. This soon after a breakdown. When I realized what was going on, I laughed both from relief and happy surprise.

"Ruin it all you want; everything I own is, and always will be, washable."

She gave me another tiny smile. "You should take it off anyway." She blushed a little, and I understood.

I chuckled and sat up to take off the shirt. I wiped my chest and shoulder down with the dry part and tossed it somewhere in the vicinity of the hamper. As I laid back down, I watched her eyes. She was staring down at my hips. I smirked to myself and put my fingers under her chin. She looked up at me with a blush.

"You know, you really don't need to do that. You could just tell me you want me to take my shirt off instead of soaking it." I kissed her lips.

She smiled a little bigger than a minute ago and moved closer to me. "I'll try to remember that."

I smiled to myself and wrapped my arms tightly around her again. "I love you."

She nodded against my chest and took a deep breath. "I love you, too. I'm tired."

"You need to try to eat something, Ness. Even if it's little."

She pulled back and wiped her face. "I know. Let me clean up a little, and I'll get something."

"Okay, baby." I kissed her again, and we both got up. I didn't bother with another shirt, but I did change into some sweats while she was in the bathroom. She came out holding something that looked suspiciously like a white bra balled up and quickly stuffed it in the hamper. She'd let her hair down as well, and I wondered if she was planning on sleeping in the tank top and leggings. They weren't much different than pajamas anyway. She came up to me with a shy smile and put her hands on the top of my stomach. My hands automatically went to her waist. She looked down, and I swear she was giving something below my waist a dirty look. I leaned down a little bit to see her face better and couldn't help but laugh at the crusty she was sporting. She looked up and met my eyes, all traces of the grimace gone.

"What?"

I shrugged. "Are you mad at my legs or something?"

She looked confused. "Um . . . No." It sounded like a question.

She licked her lips, and I rubbed her sides gently with my thumbs. "Then why were you just glaring at them?"

She blushed and looked a little surprised for a second. She recovered, though, and shook her head. "I'm not going to tell you, because I know you'll laugh at me."

I pulled her a little closer and smirked. "I'm already laughing, baby. If it will make you feel better, though, I promise I'll stop and won't do it again."

She pursed her lips. She was quiet for a moment as she slowly lifted her hands and spread her fingers, splaying them against my pecs. Finally, she sighed. "Okay. But I swear, Jake, if you laugh at me, I won't talk to you again."

I raised my eyebrows. I couldn't be sure if she was joking or serious, but I decided it would be safer to assume she meant it. "Then I swear I won't laugh."

She leaned forward and put her forehead against my chest. "I really liked those jeans."

I smiled, but forced myself not to laugh. "Why?"

She sighed again and shrugged. "They look really good on you."

I slipped one hand around her waist and petted her hair with the other. "Okay. Are you upset that I changed?"

Her head shook against me. "No, I'm not upset. I just hoped I'd get to see your . . . I mean, I was kind of looking forward to . . . You know."

I didn't know what she meant, but I sure as hell knew where my dirty-ass mind took me. I wasn't sure if that was what she meant or not, though. "Hoping you'd get to see my what?" Although I knew she wasn't going to, I really wanted her to say my dick. Then I'd tell her she didn't need jeans for that; sweats were actually better.

She blushed, and it just made my dick get harder. I had to calm down; he wasn't well-hidden by jeans anymore, and I didn't want to alarm her. She hesitated, staring down—right at my growing hard-on. "You better tell me, Ness, or I'm going to assume it's something much worse." Too late.

Her blush deepened as her eyes widened. "Hips. I wanted to see your hips a little more."

Dammit. I smiled, though, and nodded. "I can fix that." I moved back just enough to pull the waistband of my sweats down where the jeans had been. Her face would probably stay that color red for a while. "Better?"

She licked her lips and nodded. "Yeah."

I kissed her. "Good. Now promise you will never hide anything from me again."

She frowned and hesitated for a moment. After a few seconds, she nodded. "I promise."

"Really? You've promised before." I wanted her to see how much this meant to me. She sighed and met my eyes. I instantly felt terrible when I saw how wet hers were. "I'm sorry, Ness."

She shook her head. "No, Jake. You're right. I did promise, and I've been doing an awful job at it."

I pulled her close and kissed her head. "You're doing fine, baby. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just wish it was easier for you to trust me and talk to me."

She wrapped her arms around my waist, and I felt her hands curled into fists against my back. "I'll try harder."

I didn't argue with her. Instead, I squeezed her tightly for a second then pulled back. "Hungry?"

She wiped her eyes and shrugged. "I guess."

"We can just have something little if you want." Well, she could have something little. I was starving.

"Okay."

We went to the kitchen, and after a few minutes of searching for something that sounded good to her, we finally settled on grilled cheese sandwiches. She helped by buttering the bread.

"How many do you want?" I asked.

"Just one. You?"

"Oh, ten or twelve."

Her eyes widened, and she turned to look at me incredulously. "You're joking, right?"

I chuckled and kissed her head. "Yes, baby. Two or three will be fine."

She laughed. "Okay."

We ate at the table, and she ended up only having half her sandwich. I ate the rest for her, then we cleaned up our mess. As we put things away and I thought about how much I loved seeing her in my kitchen, I remembered something disappointing.

"Dammit," I said to myself. I wasn't really mad; it was just inconvenient.

Nessie looked at me curiously. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "It's nothing, baby. I just remembered I have to go back to work tomorrow."

She frowned and leaned back against the counter. "You do?"

I nodded and stood closer to her, my hands on her hips. I liked the way it felt having her all but trapped between me and the counter. "Yeah. Promise me something, babe; promise you'll take it easy tomorrow and remember that you live here now. Everything in here is yours, okay?"

She raised an eyebrow. "But it's not mine."

This might prove harder than I thought. I leaned in and kissed her. "Yes it is. You can use anything you want. You can watch a movie, listen to music, play on the computer; anything you want."

She pursed her lips for a moment before she looked up at me. "Do you have Internet?"

I nodded. "Yes. High speed cable, in fact."

She smirked. "I'll try."

I guessed that was the best I was going to get. I kissed her lips again. "Thank you."

She nodded and pulled back with a yawn. We decided it was time for bed and went down the hall with her hand in mine. She looked at the bed a little nervously for a second before she pulled the blanket back and got in. I turned off the bedroom light but left the bathroom one on in case she needed to use it in the middle of the night. I got in bed with her and she pushed herself against me. My arm curled around her back, and I leaned down to kiss her lips.

"Goodnight, baby."

She smiled up at me and ran her fingers lightly over my chest. "Goodnight."

I turned to check the alarm and made sure it was set. Dammit, I wished I could stay with her longer.

"What time do you have to be up?"

I rubbed her back. "Five o'clock. I have to be there at six."

"That's early."

I chuckled. "Yeah. I'll try not to wake you up, though."

She frowned. "No; wake me up. I want to say goodbye."

I liked the sound of that. "Okay. But then you can go back to sleep if you want."

"Sure." She didn't sound very convincing. I didn't push it.

I relaxed on my back, and she snuggled closer and kissed my chest. I tightened my arm around her. "You comfortable, Ness?"

She straightened herself out a little, resting her head on my shoulder and reaching her arm across my chest. She kissed my neck and nodded. "You have no idea."

I smiled and kissed her forehead. "Good. Sleep well, baby."

She yawned and wriggled a little closer still, lifting her leg over mine. "You, too. Goodnight."

She was asleep within minutes.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! I kinda have to say this was one of the most fun chapters to write, and I hope you got a kick out of it.

Speaking of fun things to write, I recently wrote a little flash fiction called 'Super-Secret Train Ride.' It's tiny, but it's a cute day in the life of a young non-GMAS Jacob. To read it, check out my profile. :)

I'm on Twitter; SheeWolf85


	32. Closer to Love

A/N: Happy 4th of July to all of my American readers! Have a safe and happy holiday!

I think I should just say from here on out that every chapter is my favorite, lol. I had a lot of fun writing this one, and I really hope you guys like it as well. Things are progressing nicely :)

I would say beware of possessive Jake, but y'all are dirty h00rs anyway, and I know you'll like it.

It's not often that I use the same band/artist for two chapters in a row (unless it's Breaking Benjamin), but Mat Kearney is seriously awesome. I'd like to give a special thanks to Live True for introducing me to his music. Thanks, Sis!

Enjoy! And, in case you've somehow forgotten already, my initials are not SM.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-One

Closer to Love

_I'm gonna get there soon  
You're gonna be there, too  
Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life  
You pull me closer to love_

-Closer to Love – Mat Kearney

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I had never been more comfortable in all my life. Jacob was all around me; I could feel his warmth, and his scent was everywhere. He always smelled so good, but somehow it seemed that now was so much better. It was concentrated, coming at me from more than just his body. His pillows, blankets, sheets; everything had that warm, tangy scent. My ear was against his chest, and each strong thrum of his heartbeat felt so right; so perfect.

"Ness." Jacob's voice was thick and sleepy, and the vibration caused a subtle but steady throbbing to start between my legs. I nuzzled against him and came a little closer to reality when I realized he was still shirtless. I kind of wanted to set a rule that he never wore shirts of any kind, but then I'd think of all the other girls who would see him whenever we went anywhere. I shifted again and moved my hand over his stomach. I remembered how, when I'd first met him, I'd tried to imagine what his abs would look like. Then, not too long ago, I'd discovered just how amazing his hips were. Adding them together was lethal. I still wanted to kiss his stomach. With it being uncovered, and I could actually _see_ the lines of his hips, I wanted to lick those as well.

I inhaled deeply and smiled to myself when Jake's leg twitched under mine. He hadn't moved much at all during the night. His arm had fallen behind me, and his hand rested next to my backside. I kind of hoped he'd touch me there when he woke up. After one more nuzzle, I opened my eyes. Jake was still asleep, but he drew in a long breath and turned his head to the side facing me. I smiled up at his unconscious face. I'd only ever seen him asleep once, forever ago on my couch, and I'd forgotten how handsome he looked when he was so relaxed. I stretched my back carefully to reach up and kiss his jaw.

I looked over at the alarm and scowled. I only had fifteen more minutes with him before it would go off and he'd have to get up. I wanted to let him sleep as much as possible, though, so I didn't wake him up. He'd done so much for me the last few days, and I was amazed that he wasn't completely exhausted. I rested against him again and kissed his chest as I let my fingers wander where they wanted across his abs. It had gotten hot during the night and one or both of us had kicked the covers off onto the floor. I didn't really mind much as I watched my hand move lower, closer to his belly button.

I couldn't really say why, but I had always found a man's belly button—when he had a proper six pack instead of a bulging beer gut—incredibly cute. I smiled to myself and put one fingertip over the little dip for a second before I continued my exploration. I glanced up at Jake as I flattened my palm against the skin just under his navel, right over his happy trail. I'd never understood why the path of hair was called that until now, but somehow it seemed it should have been obvious. I was a little nervous about him waking up with my hand down so far. At the same time, the subtle throbbing from a few minutes ago had gotten steadily stronger and spread throughout my whole body.

Keeping my eyes on his face, I slowly slid my hand to the side until I felt his hip. I licked my lips and looked down. I'd never wanted to make out like I did at this moment. Jake shifted a little, and I gasped as my hand flew back up to his chest. My heart was pounding, and I looked up expecting to see his eyes open. Instead, he sighed and mumbled as let the air out.

"Nessie, baby," he said softly. My stomach bottomed out, but it didn't feel bad. Instead of dread filling me up, it was desire and love. I leaned in and kissed his neck, hoping to fuel whatever dream he was having. He shifted again, and his hand behind me lifted up to my waist, grazing my backside on its way. I licked my lips and put my hand back down on his hip. When I looked down again, I froze. I wasn't sure if I wanted to pull my hand off him entirely or continue to touch him so dangerously close to the now obvious erection straining in his sweats. A part of me fluttered with fear while another part was flattered and triumphant. I remembered once when I was sixteen reading something in a magazine I'd found at the library about how men sometimes got erections during the night. I knew it was normal, especially since he was obviously dreaming about something, but it still seemed so odd to me that I had something to do with it.

Jake's hand tightened on my waist. "My baby," he whimpered as he shifted again, arching his back just a little. I loved watching him and the way he moved.

The alarm went off, and I jumped as my heart skipped a panicked beat. I had to laugh at myself for being so surprised by something I knew was going to happen. Jake groaned and squeezed his eyes shut as his arm that wasn't around me lifted up and smacked the screeching clock. It stopped, and Jake opened his eyes. He looked down and smiled sleepily.

"Hey, baby."

I smiled brightly and leaned up to kiss his lips. "Good morning."

He sucked in a yawn and rubbed his face. "You been awake long?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "Only about fifteen minutes."

He nodded and hugged me tightly to him. I snuggled closer and was about to lift my leg higher on his when I remembered his . . . situation. I pulled back a little bit when I realized how close I'd already gotten to that part of him. He must have noticed my hesitation.

"You okay, Ness?"

I looked up at him and nodded. "I'm okay."

His brow furrowed, and I realized I was going to have to tell him. I'd promised again the day before, and I couldn't go back on it again. Not when he tried so hard to do the same thing for me.

"Are you sure?"

I licked my lips. "I'm sure. I mean, I really am okay, I just . . ." How was I going to say this to him? "You have, um . . . you know." I tried to make an obvious gesture down to his hips, and he looked down.

At first, his lips twitched up in an amused smile, but it was quickly replaced with a serious clench of his jaw. "I'm sorry, Ness."

I shook my head. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

He raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted when the alarm went off again. He sighed, frustrated, as he reached out and turned it off. He turned to me then and put his fingers under my chin even when I was already looking at him. "Nessie, I love you. You know that."

Somehow I knew that whatever he was about to say had something to do with how he wouldn't push me. I smiled and put my hand on his cheek, my thumb rubbing over his lips. "I do know that, Jake. I also know that _that_ is normal. I told you I'm okay, and I am. Just because I'm a little nervous doesn't mean I'm going to run screaming."

He smirked against my thumb. "I know, baby. I just want to make sure that nervousness doesn't get out of hand. Thank you for talking to me."

I leaned up and kissed him. He rolled all the way on his side, and his arm tightened around me to pull me close as he deepened the kiss. I felt his arousal on my thigh, and it seemed I wasn't the only one who felt different without jeans. It wasn't a huge difference, but I swear I felt more of him than I ever had before. On one hand, I wanted to pull him over me and do the things we'd done a few mornings ago. My whole body burned with how badly I wanted to feel him between my legs again. On the other hand, I wasn't sure how much I really wanted. When he'd touched my breasts before, it was amazing and terrifying at the same time. Even though I wanted his hands on me, I wasn't ready for that much again. On top of that, he had to work. Was it really fair to rile him up like that before he had to go work all day long?

I pulled away from the kiss as his hand began moving slowly up my side. I met his eyes and put my hand over his wrist. "Jake?" He hummed and kissed my lips softly. "How late do you have to work?" I hoped that made him realize what he was doing.

"I get off at four; I'll probably be home around four-thirty. Do you need to stop, baby?" His hand rubbed my ribs gently.

I licked my lips. "I, um . . . I think so. What about you? I mean, how much do you want to do before you have to leave?"

One corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk that told me exactly how much he wanted to do. I blushed. "I'm fine, Ness. I could keep going and going. And going." He chuckled. "But I'll stop if you need me to."

I kissed him. "I think I need to stop. I'm sorry."

His brow furrowed. "Why are you sorry?"

"Because I know you don't want to stop."

He sighed. "Nessie, do you really believe me when I tell you I won't push you?"

His question confused me. "Yes, I do." I knew he wouldn't ever push me, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be disappointed.

He turned to look at the clock and grunted as he faced me again. "Baby, I need to get up. Just don't be sorry when you ask to stop. Please." He kissed me and started to get up. I got up with him, even though I knew I didn't need to.

As he got dressed and ready to go in the bathroom, I looked around for something to do. My eyes landed on the clothes hamper, and I smiled as I went over to pick up the shirt Jacob had thrown the night before. It was dry now, and I lifted the black plastic lid to put it inside the basket. It was past full, and I remembered how I'd thought of doing laundry when he gave me the tour of the house. I was suddenly nervous about that, though. Did girlfriends generally wash their boyfriends' clothes?

I looked up when Jake came out of the bathroom. He'd dressed in a black t-shirt with some dark blue jeans. I licked my lips; how was it possible that he seemed even better-looking than usual? Was it because I was living here now, and I'd spent the whole night sleeping on his bare chest? He came up to me, and my stomach flipped when he leaned in for a kiss. It was exciting. Although I always felt good when he kissed me, I hadn't felt these butterflies in a while.

"Remember what we talked about last night, Ness. You are welcome to use anything in this house, okay?"

I nodded. "Is it okay if I do laundry?" I gestured to his hamper.

He raised an eyebrow and put his hands on my hips. "I said you're welcome to use anything in the house, and that includes the washer and dryer. Why do you want to do laundry, though?"

I shrugged and leaned in to hug him. His arms wrapped around my back, and I smiled contentedly. "I don't know. Is it strange of me to want to wash your clothes?"

He kissed my head. "No, that's not strange. Knock yourself out."

I looked up at him, happy that he wasn't concerned for my sanity. "Thank you."

He chuckled. "You're welcome, Ness."

We went to the kitchen so Jake could find something to eat and take his medicine before he left. I wasn't sure why, but watching him take the medicine was fascinating to me. He was always so strong and capable of almost anything, but somehow he relied on that little pill to keep him balanced. I wondered if I would have to take something when I went to therapy. Was there even a medication out there that could help me?

After Jake and I had some quick microwave sausage breakfast sandwiches, and he made a sandwich to take for lunch, he sat on the couch to put his boots on. I sat next to him, just watching. He smirked at me a few times; he probably knew how pathetically enthralled I was with the way his fingers tied the laces. When he was done, he pulled me onto his lap for a moment.

"I love you, Ness," he said. He kissed my lips.

"I love you, too."

"Have a good day, okay? Don't do too much; try to get some rest."

I nodded and kissed him again. "Okay." I leaned in and nestled my face in his neck for a moment. I knew he had to leave, but I didn't want to let him. A few minutes later, he squeezed me tightly.

"I gotta go, baby."

I nodded and slipped off his lap. He stood up and got his wallet, keys, and the bag with his lunch from the kitchen, then came back to kiss me. He held me tightly, and I couldn't help but grab his shoulders and open my mouth. He kissed me back deeply for a moment before he pulled back with a smirk.

"You're going to make it impossible to leave, you know."

I felt my face heat up. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head and kissed my lips softly. "Don't be. Love you."

He walked to the door, and I followed him. After one final kiss, he left. I stared at the door for a few minutes and listened to the muted sound of his car starting before it really hit me. I was alone in Jacob's house. I had thought I'd do something constructive like clean or figure out something for dinner, but instead, my feet carried me back to his room. I'd known I was going to miss him, but I hadn't expected to feel so empty only minutes after he left. I had gone days without seeing him before; a few hours should be nothing. And yet, looking forward to the day without him seemed so excruciating.

Without even a single glance toward the laundry hamper, I crawled back into Jacob's bed. I got the blanket from the floor and arranged it, then laid down with it pulled up to my nose. I could smell him with every breath I took, and it eased some of the steadily growing ache in my chest. I closed my eyes and figured I'd take a short nap, then I'd get up and do something.

* * *

By the time Jacob came home, I was in a near panic. I'd had such high hopes for my first day alone, but absolutely nothing I'd planned had gotten done. On top of that, I'd gone through the house earlier just trying to get used to everything, and ended up breaking down on the couch. I had to remember not to stare at the books for too long; eventually the painful memories seep their way to the surface.

Thinking about my dad and all the things we used to do hurt worse in Jacob's house. I couldn't explain why, but it was almost like it had been before I met Jake. Not as often, but just as painful. I wished I could be numb like before, but every time I tried, I kept thinking about Jake. It would inevitably bring me back to where I was, which would remind me that I didn't have my house anymore. Of course, that would bring up thoughts of my dad and make me cry all over again. I didn't know how to make the cycle stop, so I just stayed in bed where I couldn't see anything that made me hurt.

The clock by the bed read four-thirty-seven when Jacob came home. I heard him call for me, and I had to clear my throat three times before I could make myself be heard down the hall.

"You okay, baby?" he asked when he came in the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and touched my cheek.

I took a deep breath and turned on my back a little to look up at him. "I think so."

"What's the matter?" His fingertips moved gently to my hair where he pushed it behind my ear.

I sniffled and shrugged. It was weak. "I didn't get any laundry done."

He smirked and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Don't worry about it, Ness. I'm going to take a quick shower, okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes when he got up. I kind of half-listened to the water running in the bathroom and half tried to ignore it. No more than fifteen minutes later, Jacob came back to the bed and laid down on his side next to me. His hair and skin were still damp, but he smelled so amazing. I was also really happy that he'd left his shirt off and just gotten into his sweats. I probably shouldn't have noticed the way he'd made them to sit low like the night before. He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his neck. Somehow the heat of the shower and the water had made him smell a thousand times better.

"How was your day?" he asked as he squeezed me lightly.

I shook my head. I didn't want to admit that I'd had a bad day, but there was no denying it. Even if I could convince him to believe that it had been an okay day, I'd feel bad for lying. "It was . . . I don't know."

He moved back a little bit and made me look up at him. "What happened?" he asked gently.

I sighed. "I just, um . . . It hurts, Jake." My eyes watered, and I closed them for a second while I tried to rein in the overwhelming grief crushing my chest. "It hurts so bad to see and feel things that remind me of him." I met Jake's eyes, and they were filled with concern. "I thought I was doing so well, then all of a sudden I'm crying on the couch like I did before. Up until we went . . . in his room, you know, I haven't cried that hard for a long time."

He nodded and kissed my lips before he pulled me in hard. His arms were so tight around me it was difficult to suck in a deep breath, but I loved it. "I'm sorry you had a crappy day, baby."

I shrugged as much as I could in his embrace. "Like you said, it'll get easier. Right?" I really hoped so.

He kissed my head. "Right."

We were both quiet for a moment, and eventually Jake started to relax a little. I leaned back and looked up at him. "How was your day?"

"Not too bad, I guess. I was worried about you. I think I'm going to have to either get you a cell phone or get a landline so I can call you. Or you can call me."

I hadn't even thought about not having a way to contact him. Now that he'd brought it up, though, I didn't like the idea at all. Although I knew he'd be working and unable to talk, I had to know that we could contact each other if we needed to.

"What all did you do today?" he asked as he rubbed my back.

I shrugged. "I pretty much stayed in bed all day. Pathetic, I know."

His brow furrowed, and for half a second I thought he might be upset with me for not doing anything productive. "That's not pathetic, Nessie. If you didn't have half the shit going on that you do, it still wouldn't be pathetic. Don't ever say that again."

I smiled and kissed his lips. "I'll do my best." It made me so happy deep inside to know he was okay with how little I'd done. Once it started getting easier—which I prayed was soon, because I really didn't want to spend every day crying—I would make sure I did plenty of things around the house.

He held me for a while until it was time to get up and do something for dinner. I tried to push away the unreasonable pain in my chest, but it refused to go away. Almost as soon as dinner was done, I wanted to lie down again. Jake went with me, despite my assurances that he didn't have to, and held me until I fell asleep again.

* * *

The next day was a little bit better for me. I went through the hamper and started a load of laundry after Jacob left for work. After that, I laid down until the washer was done, then moved the clothes to the dryer and repeated the process. It was around one o'clock that I came across the first thing that reminded me of my dad. It was silly, just one of Jacob's printed t-shirts. It had a picture of a roll of toilet paper on it along with the words "That's how I roll."

I laughed when I saw it, then I remembered how my dad and I used to look through the t-shirts in the department store and laugh at the silly ones. He would have loved this one. My eyes watered, and I took the shirt with me to the bed.

A while later, I finished folding the clothes from the dryer and put them away. I loved doing it, even the kind of embarrassing things like Jake's underwear. I wasn't sure why it was embarrassing, but I was more confused than anything else when I wanted to hide a pair for myself. Not to wear, of course. Just to look at. I also really wanted to see him in nothing but the boxer-briefs. He had a few different colors, but I wanted to see him in white. I couldn't remember ever seeing him wear anything white. That was also when I realized that the lightest color shirt he had was light gray. I had to remember to ask him about that sometime.

I laid back down to take a short nap at three o'clock. I figured I'd sleep for an hour, then get up and at least figure out what to make for dinner so Jake didn't have to do that on top of work all day long.

I must have been more tired than I thought, because when I woke up, Jake was already home. Not just home; he was showered and laying next to me in a pair of cotton pajama pants I'd washed earlier. He was on his back with his arm under me, and when I looked up at him, he smiled at me.

"Hey, baby."

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him. "Hey. What time is it?"

He looked over at the clock. "It's about five-fifteen."

I nodded. "I'm sorry; I wanted to be up at four."

He turned on his side and kissed me again. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Ness. I saw how much laundry you did; you must have been tired. Thank you for that, by the way."

I shrugged. "I didn't get it all done."

"Doesn't matter. I appreciate it anyway."

"You're welcome. How was your day?"

He shrugged, and when I met his eyes, I was a little surprised to see how dark they were. I'd noticed how warm his skin was, but I had thought it was due to the shower he'd taken. As he hesitated on his answer, I realized that wasn't the case. He was upset about something.

"It wasn't terrible."

Somehow I thought he was lying. I kissed his lips, and his arms tightened around me. "Did something happen?"

He pursed his lips. "No, nothing happened. How was your day?"

I wasn't sure if I believed him. "It was okay. A little easier than yesterday."

"Good." He leaned in to kiss me, and I was a little surprised when his tongue touched me instead of his lips. I opened my mouth anyway and moaned when he went straight to the deep, passionate kisses we usually shared when we made out. His hand slipped down to my backside where he gripped hard and pulled me in tightly. He groaned at the same time that I whimpered. He squeezed my butt again, then moved his hand roughly down my thigh. I held on to his shoulders tightly, almost completely lost in the feel and taste of him. My whole body was throbbing the way it had done that morning, and I wanted so much more than I ever thought I would.

His fingers hooked behind my leg, and he pulled my knee all the way up to his hip. His hand that was behind me grabbed my hair tightly, pulling a little. I gasped at the combination, and he pushed me back a little, leaning over me. I was excited to have him over me, but I wasn't sure if I liked how he tugged on my hair. It hurt just enough to pull me out of the intoxicating haze. I tried to pull my head back, but he growled and leaned over me more as he shoved his hips forward and kissed me deeper. I whimpered and decided I was fine. I would deal with that small amount of pain to get everything else I loved.

He broke the kiss and pulled away from me. I looked up at him, surprised and a little worried that I'd done something wrong. His eyes were so dark, and the look on his face made my stomach flutter in the best way. Without a word, he slipped one arm under me to pull me toward the middle of the bed. He settled me on my back and parted my knees as he bent to kiss me again. As he kissed me with fierce determination, he placed himself between my legs and pushed his hips into mine.

It seemed every time we moved forward a little—even if it was just trading jeans for sweats—everything I thought had felt good before turned into something more glorious than I ever thought possible. Although I had been able to feel more of his erection on my leg earlier that morning, I never imagined that it would make moving like this with him so much better. I broke the kiss and moaned as my hips pushed up and my fingers in his hair held tighter.

He pushed against me harder and bit my throat. Somehow I thought it should have hurt, but it only made me want him to do it again. It felt like he was claiming me, and I loved it.

"Oh, Jake," I heard myself whimper. "Please . . . God, please bite me again." My request surprised me; where had that come from?

He growled low in his throat and grabbed my hair again as he bit me harder. He pulled, making me tilt my head so he could access more of my throat. I whimpered, but this time it wasn't from ecstasy. His hips shoved forward, grinding his erection against the most sensitive part of my body, but even that couldn't take away the pain when he yanked my hair again. I moved my hand from his hair and grabbed his wrist, trying to push his fingers away. He was far too strong for me, though.

"Jake," I said, tugging on his arm. "Stop."

His hips stopped, and he pulled back to meet my eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes showing just how much he wanted to keep going.

I nodded and licked my lips as I tried to catch my breath enough to speak. "Yeah, I just . . . Wow." I had to take a few deep breaths. "That kind of hurt." I tried again to get him to move his arm. He had relaxed his grip so it didn't hurt anymore, but I didn't want him to do it again.

His brow furrowed. "What hurt, baby?" He seemed to be just as breathless as I was. He lifted himself up a little. "When I bit you?"

I shook my head. "No, that actually felt good." I'm sure I blushed. "When you, um . . . pulled my hair."

"Oh." He nodded. Instead of pulling his hand away, he rubbed my scalp. "I'm sorry."

I leaned up to kiss him softly. "It's okay."

"I probably shouldn't bite you anymore, though. I've left some pretty good marks already."

Out of curiosity, I reached up and touched my neck. It was sore, and I winced. "Is it bad?"

He smirked. "Yeah." He kissed me again, and his stomach growled loudly. "Baby, I gotta get up and eat something. Are you hungry?"

"A little bit. I didn't really eat anything today."

He furrowed his eyebrows again, but didn't say anything about that. "Me neither." He climbed off the bed and helped me up.

"Didn't you take a sandwich again?"

"Yeah, but I gave it to Leah. She forgot her lunch."

I thought that was sweet, and it reminded me of the time he'd given half of his sandwich to me when we worked together. I felt bad that he hadn't gotten anything to eat, so I took his hand, and we went out to the kitchen. We decided to make chili since Jacob had a package that made it easy, and we both thought it sounded good. As we mixed everything together, I thought of something.

"Jake?" He looked at me and hummed. "What happened today?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "When you first came home, you were really hot."

He smirked. "What, I'm not hot all the time?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively, and I couldn't help but smile.

"You know that's not what I'm talking about."

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss me. He might try to hide it, but it wasn't hard to miss the way his shoulders and back tightened up a little. "I know. It was nothing, baby. I just had a close encounter with Jack today."

That name sounded familiar. "Was that the guy that, um . . . that you hit?"

He nodded and stared deliberately into the pan. "Yeah." Everything about him was getting tense.

"Did anything happen?"

"No, nothing happened. But just working with him and hearing his voice pisses me off. He actually tried to talk to me a few times. First time he's done that since I beat the shit out of him."

I swallowed, nervous by how upset he got just talking about the other man. "Why does he make you so angry?"

Jake pursed his lips. "He's made things very difficult for me in the past. He even cost me a job once because he told the foreman I get violent." He rolled his eyes. "He just never stops. He talked about you today, too, which . . . Yeah."

I couldn't even try to squish this morbid curiosity. Even though I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't tell me, I asked anyway. "What did he say about me?"

He sighed. "You don't want to know."

That just made me more curious. "Yes, I do."

He glanced at me, and I was a little surprised by how dark his eyes were. "Nessie, if you really want to know, I'll tell you. But it's not pretty, and if he hadn't shut up when he did, I probably would have killed the fucker today."

My eyes widened, and I licked my lips again as I suppressed an irrational surge of fear. "Oh. Um . . ." Did I really want to know what had upset him so badly? Even though I knew I'd probably only regret it, I nodded. "I'd still like to know."

He made a noise that sounded like a cross between a groan and a growl and took a deep breath. "He called you a cock-tease and said I should let him open you up for me."

That surprised me. I hadn't expected it to be something like that. I had actually figured, foolish as it seemed, that it would be something I was used to, like a hurtful comment in relation to my condition. Not something blatantly sexual like that. "Does he know that we haven't . . . you know . . .?"

He nodded, and something turned in my stomach. "Yeah. I guess he overheard me talking to Leah."

My gut clenched, and my eyes watered. I knew he talked to Leah about private things, but that was much more than I had thought. And, regardless, I had assumed the things he said would stay just that—private. I never imagined Jake would discuss something so intimate in an obviously public place where other people could hear him.

I licked my lips and turned to walk out of the kitchen. Was that why he'd been so forceful with me earlier? He wanted to see if he could . . . open me up? God, my stomach hurt.

"Ness, wait . . ."

I didn't listen. I went to the guest bedroom and shut the door. I noticed there was a lock on the handle, and I used it. I crawled onto the bed and grabbed the pillow, holding it tightly to my chest as the tears overflowed. Jake knocked and tried to turn the handle, and he cursed when it wouldn't open.

"Dammit, Nessie, please open the door." I closed my eyes tighter. I knew I'd have to let him in eventually, but I really needed a moment away from him. Why did he think it was okay to tell everyone we hadn't had sex yet? And what kinds of things was he saying? Was he complaining to Leah every day that I was too stubborn to give it up? I remembered every single time he'd told me he wouldn't push me and wondered just how impatient he really was. He might not push, but was he secretly wishing I'd just get over myself and let him fuck me?

"Nessie, if you don't open this door, I swear I'll break it down. Come talk to me."

Of course he'd break it down. I sniffled and got up, frustrated and so hurt. I opened the door and looked up at Jake. He sighed and reached out to touch my cheek. I let him, but every part of me wished I dared to smack his hand away.

"I told you it wasn't pretty, Nessie. I told you that you didn't want to know what he said."

I sniffled again and shrugged. "The chili's going to burn." I took a step to try to get him to move. He did, and I walked past him to the kitchen.

He followed me. "Talk to me, Ness. Why did you walk out?"

I picked up the spoon and stirred the chili in the pot, taking a moment to organize my thoughts. He stood there beside me, his bare chest and the lines of hips mocking me. I looked up at him, and the irritation in his eyes was obvious.

"I was hurt," I told him.

He leaned his hip against the counter. "I told you it was bad, Ness."

I nodded. "I know. But you didn't mention that you tell people we haven't had sex yet."

He leaned back a little bit, and his eyes widened with surprise. "I only told Leah. You know I talk to her about everything."

"But at work? Where other people can hear you? I'm sorry if I think that's a little . . . wrong."

He sighed. "Is that why you walked away from me; because you think it was wrong?" He was getting more upset.

My tears had finally stopped falling, but I didn't feel any better. "Because I was hurt. I am hurt. That is private, Jake. Talk to Leah about it all you want, but why do you have to do it where strangers can hear you?"

"Nobody even listens there."

I rolled my eyes. "Obviously Jack did."

He furrowed his brow and clenched his jaw. "Fucking hell. Fine, I won't talk about anything at work. How's that?"

I sighed, even more frustrated that he obviously didn't get why I was upset to begin with. "Fine."

He took a step back and growled quietly. "No, not fine. Talk to me, Nessie. You promised you wouldn't hide things from me anymore."

All of my misery came to an angry head, and I put the spoon down to turn to him. "I _am_ talking to you! Can't you see that I don't give a rat's ass what you say at work as long as it's not something private? Do you just not care who hears all the intimate details of our relationship? I don't want everyone in the world to know about those things. I'm sorry that I walked out, okay? But you could have warned me that what he said had something to do with how he overheard you telling Leah that you're frustrated with me."

My voice broke, and all my tears reappeared. I turned back to the stove and prayed he got it now. I didn't want to fight with him anymore. I wanted to go back to pretending he was fine with my pace.

He stepped up beside me again. "What makes you think I said that?" His voice was mellower, but still agitated.

I sniffled and wiped my face. "Why else would you tell her, Jake? I know you're not happy with that part of our relationship, and I'm sorry for that. Do you really need to spread it around, though?"

He sighed, and I felt his hands on my shoulders as he moved behind me. I closed my eyes, stirring blindly.

"It wasn't that, baby. I'm not frustrated with you. Leah made a joke about our first night together, and I told her nothing happened. That's all it was." He kissed my head and pulled me back against him as he wrapped his arms around my waist. "I'm sorry."

I sniffled again and turned in his arms. I needed his arms to squeeze me until I couldn't breathe. He held me tightly, but it didn't seem tight enough. "I love you."

"I know, baby. I love you, too. I won't talk about those things at work anymore, okay?"

I looked up at him, and I could see the remorse in his eyes. I reached up to hold his shoulders as I nodded. "Okay."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I forgive you. I'm sorry I got so upset."

He shook his head and kissed my forehead. "You had every right to get upset. I was an idiot by not making sure everything stayed between Leah and me."

I smiled and leaned my head against his chest. "You're not an idiot, Jake; don't say that."

He kissed my head. "Okay. I think this chili is done. Are you ready to eat?"

I stepped back and wiped my eyes. "Yeah, I think so."

We dished our bowls and went to the table. As we ate, Jake kept glancing at me. I was still concerned about him being unsatisfied, even if he'd said he wasn't. I could tell from the look on his face that he knew something was still bothering me. I'd already planned on talking to him about it more, but I wanted to wait until we were done so I could snuggle with him.

When we finished eating, we just put our bowls in the sink and went out to the living room. Jake sat on the couch and pulled me down on his lap. I straddled him and tried to ignore the happily surprised gleam in his eyes as I kissed him softly.

"I love you," I said as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

His hands held my hips lightly. "I love you, too, Nessie. Something's still wrong." It wasn't a question.

I nodded and licked my lips. "Yeah. I, um . . . I believe you, and I trust that you would never push me to . . . have sex before I'm ready. But . . . Jake, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want to make you so frustrated that

it affects other parts of our relationship."

He shook his head and kissed my lips. "Baby, I'm not uncomfortable. I know you've got some things you need to work through to get there, and that's okay. I meant every word when I said I'll wait for you. I'm not going to get disappointed or angry or anything but patient. I promise."

I leaned in and rested my head on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around my back and held tightly. "I'm just worried because you've been so perfect to me. I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"There is no other shoe, baby, and nothing's getting dropped."

I smiled to myself and nodded into his neck. "I'm doing my best to trust that."

He kissed my head. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Ness: I'm not giving up until you believe me."

I took a deep breath and tightened my hold on his neck. He kissed my hair again, then rested his cheek against the top of my head. We were both quiet for a while as we held each other. I was a little curious about what had happened when he came home. If it wasn't because he was getting impatient, then what was it? I kissed his neck again and pulled back a little.

"Jake?" He met my eyes and hummed quietly. "Um . . . earlier, in the bedroom after you got home. You know, when we . . . made out." I blushed hard.

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah?"

"I'm just curious. Why were you so . . . insistent?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you mean with the hair pulling and stuff?"

"Kind of. I mean, you were persuasive either way. Not just with that or the biting." I wondered if the marks were still there.

He nodded slowly. "Well, it's . . . Okay, I don't want you to take this wrong way. Everything that we just talked about—how I'm not going to get impatient and everything—is true. But I've discovered that I'm a lot more possessive of you than I have ever been with any other woman. What Jack said got to me, baby. The thought of any other person touching you is enough to piss me off. When I came home, I wanted . . ." He sighed and brought a hand around me to rub his face. "I wanted to make you mine."

I could tell he thought I was going to get upset. But I wasn't angry or scared; I was . . . flattered. His confession made my stomach flutter in a really good way. I loved that he wanted to claim me and protect me from other people like that. I sure as hell didn't want other guys thinking about touching me; the thought of it was disgusting to me. I put my hand on his face and kissed his lips.

"I love you, Jake."

He smiled and rubbed my back. "I love you, too."

"And I love that you're possessive of me like that. It makes me feel safe." Now that I knew why he'd been forceful, I kind of wanted it again. Minus the hair pulling.

He kissed my lips roughly as his hands went to my hips and pulled me closer. "You're always safe with me, Ness."

I moaned when I felt his erection between my legs. I moved my hips and gripped his shoulders harder. "I know, Jake."

His hand slipped up to the back of my neck where he pulled me in to kiss me harshly. I surrendered to him, so happy to have this part of him back. As he kissed me, he pushed himself forward and turned us both so he could lay me down on my back on the couch. The action surprised me, but I broke the kiss and whimpered when he got on top of me.

I expected him to continue, but he stopped. "Ness?"

I lightly touched the curve at the base of his neck where his shoulders began. "What is it?"

"I need you, baby. I'm not asking for sex, but I really fucking need you."

I was confused. "What are you asking for?"

He kissed me. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"Can I take you back to the bedroom?"

I licked my lips, a little nervous. "Yes, but . . . can I keep my clothes on?"

He smirked. "Yes, baby. Both of us will."

That made me feel better, and I nodded. "We can go back there."

He kissed me one more time, then he stood and picked me up off the couch. A part of me wanted to tell him I could walk, but another part told it to shut up. I loved being in Jacob's arms like this and that he was strong enough to carry me. I just held his shoulders tightly until he laid me down on the bed. Without a word, he moved on top of me and spread my legs as he bent to kiss me.

"I'll try not to hurt you this time," he said. His voice sent shivers down my spine.

"Just don't pull my hair please."

"I won't, baby. Don't worry." He kissed me with fiery passion as he pushed himself down on me. I held on to his shoulders tightly as he moved and let myself give in to the sensation and the taste of him. His hand slipped under my shirt, and I tensed as he came dangerously close to my breast. He stopped, though, and pulled back from the kiss.

"Can I touch your tits, Ness?"

I licked my lips. I wasn't sure about under. I met his eyes and tried hard to be okay with under. I wasn't sure what it was about it, but it felt like too much. I put my hand on his wrist and swallowed.

"I'm sorry, Jake . . ."

His eyebrows furrowed as he moved his hand out from under my shirt. "Nessie, why are you sorry? I've told you not to apologize when you ask to stop. It doesn't matter if you're asking me to stop altogether or if you just need me slow down or whatever. I'm not upset about it, and there is nothing for to you to apologize for."

"I'll try. I just want you to know that I'm not intentionally trying to make you miserable."

He sighed and hung his head down in my neck for a few seconds. "If I was miserable, I sure as hell wouldn't be doing this with you right now. The whole reason I ask in the first place is because I know there's a chance you're not ready for it, and I'd have to kick my ass if I hurt you or made you uncomfortable like that. Don't make me feel bad for asking anymore, okay?"

When he put it that way, I could kind of see what he meant. I kissed his cheek and smiled when he met my eyes. "Okay. I love you. You can touch me, just over my shirt."

He smiled and lifted his hand to my breast. "I love you, too." He kissed me again, fervently like before, as he squeezed my breast and pushed his hips into me again. He started to move down, kissing down my jaw and my neck, and I moaned as he rolled my nipple between his fingers. Even over the shirt, it felt amazing. I gasped and moaned when he began to suck on the still-sensitive part of my neck where he'd bit me earlier. It did hurt a little bit, but the shock of lust that went straight through my gut made the pain all but disappear.

He moved harder against me as he continued to kiss me down my chest to my breasts. It seemed a little odd to me that he was trying to suck on my nipple through my shirt, but it felt too good to say anything about it. I held on to his hair tightly and moaned again.

He moved back up to my ear and slipped his hand down to my thigh. "Wrap your legs around me, Ness," he said roughly as he urged me with his fingers. I did, a little self-consciously, but then he growled deeply and sucked on my earlobe. He reached up and grabbed my hair, but he didn't pull. He just held tightly like I was holding his.

"Fuck, baby," he gasped as he moved harder. It felt so good, and I wished I could skip over all the hesitation and fear and just let him make love to me for real. "You know you drive me crazy, Ness. Every fucking day, I want to fuck you." His voice was rough and breathless, and I moaned again. His words heightened every flutter in my stomach and pushed me closer to something incredible. I knew exactly what it was, and it almost surprised me that I could get so close to an orgasm just by moving with Jake like this. "Goddammit, baby . . . I could . . . oh, shit."

His whole body tightened as he shoved his face in my neck and gasped. Somehow it felt like his erection was moving, twitching a little. He thrust his hips into mine harshly twice as he grunted, then he relaxed completely.

"Holy fuck," he panted. He lifted himself up with his arms and kissed my lips. I was confused for all of two seconds; he was calm and gentle where he had been rough and tense a moment before. I looked into his eyes and understood. The most incredible euphoria washed over me—Jake had just had an orgasm. Moving with my body, even without actually having sex, had done that for him. I touched his cheek and kissed his lips.

"I love you, Jake."

He smiled lopsidedly and kissed my nose. "I love you, too, baby. I'll be right back, okay?"

I nodded and let him slip away from me. I used the time to breathe deeply and calm down. He came back a few minutes later in different pants and got back on the bed to hold me again.

"Did you cum, Ness?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Come where?

He smirked. "It's another word for orgasm."

I blushed. "Oh . . . No."

He frowned a little. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to touch you?"

I licked my lips. That time I did know what he was talking about, and it made me nervous. "Um . . . I think I'm okay."

He rubbed my back and kissed me softly. "Are you sure? You should get something, too, if you want it."

I reached up to touch his cheek. "That's sweet, Jake, but I'm . . . kind of nervous. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I mean, for you to touch me there." I didn't allow myself to apologize again.

He nodded and kissed me again. "That's okay, Ness. I just wanted to make sure. I love you."

"I love you, too."

We got up a few minutes later and cleaned up our mess from dinner. It was almost eight o'clock, and I was surprised that I wasn't tired yet. It probably had something to do with the nap I had earlier. Jake and I decided to watch a movie, and I loved snuggling with him on the couch. Once the movie was over, I was finally tired. We went to bed, and Jake held me tightly again. Everything was so perfect; much more so than I had ever thought possible. It made me a little bit nervous. What was the saying? Nothing good can last forever. I held Jake's chest tighter and smiled when he squeezed me a little. He kissed my head.

"I love you," he whispered.

For some reason, it made my eyes water. I kissed his shoulder. "I love you, too."

"Goodnight, baby. See you in the morning."

I nodded and closed my eyes as I tried to push away this unexplained fear. I didn't want to think about ever losing Jake.

* * *

When we woke up the next morning, Jake was really happy. We got up at five o'clock and ate breakfast, then he got ready for work. When he came out of the bathroom wearing a dark blue shirt and faded jeans, I almost scowled. I really didn't like it when he had to wear a shirt. I was getting spoiled.

"What's that look for?" Jake asked as he touched me between my eyebrows.

"Nothing."

He raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me it's nothing, Ness. What is it?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to be serious, but I couldn't lose the embarrassed smile. "I just like it when you . . . you know . . . don't wear a shirt." I said the last part quickly and under my breath, hoping he wouldn't catch it.

"What was that?" he asked. It was obvious from the grin on his face that he'd heard me. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. "I don't think I heard you, Ness."

I laughed and pushed lightly on his chest. "Yes, you did."

"Well, I _thought_ you said you don't like my shirt. Does it offend you?"

The gleam in his eyes made me laugh again. I loved this playful side of him; it was something I rarely got to see before. "No; I said I like it when you don't wear a shirt."

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss me. "Oh, I see. So you'd prefer it if I went shirtless all the time? Don't you think that's a little sexist?"

"How is that sexist?"

He smirked. "Well, how would you feel if I told _you_ to run around naked from the waist up?"

Playing along, I lightly scratched the front of his shirt. "Maybe I should."

He raised his eyebrows. "No, you shouldn't. I know I'd like it, but I'd end up with a considerable body count if we went anywhere."

I laughed out loud and stood on my toes to kiss him. "You're right. And I think you should keep your shirt on. I don't like the thought of other girls seeing you like that."

He hummed. "Leah sees me shirtless every day; I don't work with it on unless it's snowing."

"Yeah, but Leah's different."

He chuckled. "That she is. I need to get my boots on, babe." He kissed me one more time before we went to the living room. When he was ready to leave, he kissed me again. It was long and deep and made me wish he didn't have to work so we could go back to bed. But he did have to work, and we shared one last, much smaller, kiss before he walked out the door.

I all but danced my way back to his bedroom to lie down and envelop myself with his scent for a little longer before I started more laundry. An hour and a half later, I got up. I turned on the dryer to get the clothes that were in it warm before I started another load. I got the pants he'd worn the night before from the bathroom, and although I knew it was several kinds of disgusting, I found myself peeking inside them to see if his semen was still there. I couldn't see any, and I convinced myself to stop after a few seconds. I was just happy Jake wasn't there to catch me.

As I folded and put away the clothes from the dryer, I found the box Leah had given to me for my birthday sitting on the closet floor. I hesitated for a moment before I picked it up. I took it to the bed and opened it slowly. I wasn't lying when I told Jake I hadn't even tried it on. I pulled the robe out and slipped it on over my clothes. It was long and loose, but it fit nicely. The parts that touched my skin were soft and smooth. I thought about trying the other pieces on, but I wasn't sure if I dared. What would really be the point if I wasn't going to wear them?

I licked my lips and held the top part up to me. It looked like it would fit. Even the cups looked to be the right size. I blushed a little and wondered how Leah knew what to get.

As I pulled the bottoms out, I was surprised to realize that I did want to try them on. Not only that, but I wanted to do it for Jake. I was nervous, though. I knew exactly what he would think if I stepped out in that. I knew he would understand if I wasn't ready to go all the way, but I still had to make sure it was right. I had to be certain that I wouldn't freak out the minute he saw me. I held them up to my hips and blushed. The front would barely cover anything. I didn't know if I liked that; it would look funny. This was the type of thing that women shaved or waxed for. I wasn't shaved or waxed. I wasn't even sure how to do it. I'd shaved once out of curiosity when I was fifteen, but I didn't get it all. Not only that, but the combination of cutting myself with the razor and the agonizing itching when everything grew back made me swear I would never do it again. I blushed as I wondered if Leah did. I didn't really want to know, but my damned curiosity wouldn't let it go.

I sighed and put everything away. Regardless of who shaved where, I wasn't ready to put that thing on yet. As I put the box back in the closet, I decided I would work toward it. It would be my goal to get comfortable enough to at least try it on. Maybe, if I was really lucky, I could even show it to Jake.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading!

I would like to make a quick note here. Many of you may already know this, but Nessie's hesitation when it comes to sex and Jake touching her is not just because of her inexperience. That does play a large part, but PTSD can have a huge effect on trust, communication, self-esteem, etc. Jake is unknowingly helping her a great deal by making her talk to him when she's upset. This is talked about later as she goes through therapy, but since that's a ways away, I wanted to make it known so you're not wondering why she can't just get over it. It's all a process and can/will take a while.

I'm on Twitter; SheeWolf85

Check out the playlist – go to www . givemeasignplaylist . weebly . com. The link is also on my profile.


	33. Love Grows Wild

A/N: Hugs! Enjoy this chapter, and don't forget that it's not mine.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Two

Love Grows Wild

_You give me the sweetest love  
You must be straight from above  
And you're so good at loving me  
You're so fine, it's plain to see  
This was surely meant to be_

-Love Grows Wild – Dierks Bentley

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I swore to myself as I went to work on Friday that I wasn't going to let Jack get to me. He was all talk, and I knew that. He was only trying to piss me off again so he could get his kicks by getting me fired. It wasn't going to work.

I hadn't actually lied to Nessie when I told her nothing happened the day before. If you say punching through the wall right next to his head to keep from doing the same to his face is nothing. He had been scared at the time. He was always scared when he provoked me to the point that I actually talked to him, but he always came back and did it again. He was like a sick, demented puppy.

I wasn't sure what to do about that. I wouldn't talk to the foreman. Leah had told me to, but it wouldn't do any good. The foreman didn't give a shit about anything as long as the work got done and nobody filed for workman's comp. We'd be starting a new job in a few weeks anyway, and I knew then I could make damn sure I wouldn't be anywhere near him.

I got ready for work somehow hoping Jack wouldn't be there that day. I groaned when I saw him pull up. Stupid bastard. Instead of focusing on him, I kept my eyes on the work in front of me and thought about the night before with Nessie. I had felt bad for making her upset about how much I said about her at work. Once she explained why she was upset, I understood her side of it. Everybody but Jack knew how to mind their own damn business, though, and I had never thought much of it. I wouldn't go back on my word; I'd told Ness I wouldn't do it again. I was sure Leah would understand the next time we worked together.

Despite the argument, Nessie and I had made some serious headway. I wasn't sure if I was more proud of her for trusting me enough to go as far as we did, or of myself for lasting as long as I did. It had been a long eight months with nothing but my hand, and Nessie's body under me was so fucking incredible. It made me even more excited for the day I actually got to fuck her.

The day went as smoothly as I could have hoped. Jack didn't even come close to me. That is, until I started packing up to go home. I needed to get back to Ness and make sure she was okay. Then beg her to make out. As I put the last of my shit away, Jack came up to me. He leaned against the steel wall of the supply shed and tilted his head in a cocky greeting.

"'Sup?" I didn't grace him with a reply; I just put my shirt on so I could leave. "You got something against me?" I rolled my eyes and started to leave. He put his hand on my chest and stepped in front of me. My hands clenched, and I tried really hard to remember that Nessie needed me to come home. "I never did get back at you for what you did to me. I lost two teeth thanks to you." Fucker should have lost all of them. "I would just kick your ass, but I don't think that would get my point across." I almost laughed. He couldn't kick my ass if he had an army to back him up. "You're really attached to that Nessie chick, huh?"

I wasn't an idiot. I knew damn good and well that he was threatening her. Talking about her, making crude comments, and generally being an asshole were one thing. Threatening Nessie was something very different. I didn't even stop to think before I growled and pushed him against the wall. He seemed shocked, especially when I grabbed his throat and slid him a few inches up the wall to my height. I stood with my chest against his so he couldn't kick me.

"Listen, you little bastard," I spat, digging my thumb into his jugular. "Leave me the fuck alone. You got lucky last time; you piss me off again, and a fucking bulldozer won't stop me. Don't listen in when I'm talking to Leah. Don't talk about Nessie, don't mention her name, and you sure as _fuck_ better not think about her. Do you understand me?" He held my arm, gasping for air, but he didn't answer me. I pulled him back only to slam him against the wall. "I said, do you understand me?"

He nodded as best as he could, and I let him drop. He fell to his knees, hunched over and still gasping. For good measure, I kicked him in the ribs once before I went to my car.

I used the ride home to calm down. I couldn't let myself get aggressive with Nessie the way I did before. I felt bad enough that I hurt her once; I wasn't going to do it again. I just needed to hold her and kiss her and make sure she was safe.

When I walked in, Nessie was in the kitchen. She turned from the sink and smiled at me. It was so fucking nice to see her standing there when I got home rather than hurting or asleep. She was wearing the tiny flannel shorts again along with a short t-shirt that showed me about an inch of skin at her waist.

"Hey, Jake," she said happily. She came over to hug me, and I picked her up by the waist. She squeaked in surprise and laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "You're not happy to see me, are you?"

I chuckled, already feeling better. "I'm always happy to see you, baby. I love you." I kissed her lips and put her down.

"I love you, too. Did you have a good day?"

I shrugged. "It was okay."

"Just okay? Did Jack bother you?"

I sighed, but I didn't let myself get pissed off again. "Yeah, a little. Don't worry about it, though."

She hesitated, but eventually dropped it. She smiled up at me and took my hand. "I finished the laundry today. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now."

I laughed and kissed her knuckles. "Don't worry, baby. There's plenty of shit to do."

She nodded. "I know. I can vacuum and wash the windows and—"

"Please tell me you're not cleaning because you think I expect you to." We'd gone over the rent and paying me back shit, and if she thought she was going to get away with that, she had another thing coming.

She looked up at me shyly. "Not entirely."

I sighed and took her over to the couch. She sat next to me. "Two things, Ness. First, you're going to stay away from the windows during the day. Please. If they need to be cleaned, either do it at night or let me do it. Second, I don't want even a part of you to think that you have to do anything to stay here. You're my girlfriend, and it was my idea to bring you here in the first place. If you want to clean and vacuum or whatever, please feel free to do it. I won't stop you. But don't do it because you think I'm over here wondering how the hell you're going to earn your keep. Okay?"

She smiled and nodded. "Okay. I do like to clean, though. Especially for you. I don't know why; it just feels . . ." She blushed and dropped her sentence.

"It feels what?"

She licked her lips and met my eyes for a brief second before she looked down again. "It feels . . . normal. Like that's what a girlfriend should do for her boyfriend."

She looked up at me again, and as I stared into her eyes, I had a strange feeling she wasn't talking about girlfriends or boyfriends. She'd just said those words. Whether it was because she felt more comfortable saying them or because she didn't want to get in trouble, I didn't know. She was talking about husband and wife. The thought of making Nessie my wife scared the living shit out of me. There was no way in hell I was ready for that yet. I mean, shit, we hadn't even been a real couple for a whole month yet. And yet, at the same time, I had a feeling that was where this was headed. Someday, probably years in the future, I would marry her.

I cleared my throat. "If it makes you happy, Ness," I said, hopefully talking about cleaning.

She smiled and leaned in to kiss me. "It makes me very happy." She stood up before I could pull her on top of me, and I looked up at her. "I kind of thought of something we could do for dinner. If you want to." She picked at her fingernails as she spoke, and I stood up beside her.

"I'm sure whatever you want is fine. Show me."

We went to the kitchen, and I was a little surprised to find her mom's cook book sitting out on the counter. She put her back to it and held on to the counter behind her. "I, um . . . I got that out today."

I smiled and put my hands on her hips. "I'm glad you did, baby. Was it hard?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I . . . After I got it out, I cried again."

She sounded disappointed, like she expected to be done crying over things that reminded her of her dad. I stepped a little closer to her and made her look up at me. "You don't know how proud I am of you for even being able to pick a recipe out of it to do tonight. I love you."

She blushed and smiled a tiny smile. "Thank you. I love you, too."

I kissed her, and she showed me a recipe for sage pork chops that actually looked really good. It even had suggestions for side dishes that I guessed her mom had made to go with it. I wasn't too sure about the steamed beets and broccoli, but the mashed potatoes sounded good.

As if reading my mind, Nessie looked up at me. "I kind of thought instead of the beets, we could do like broccoli with cheese or something."

I looked down and kissed her. "Sounds good, babe."

She slid her hands up my shirt to my shoulders. "Do you want to take a shower before we start cooking?"

I smirked. "Are you saying I stink or something?"

Her eyes widened, and she shook her head quickly. "No, that's not it at all. I think you smell really good." She blushed and looked down. "I mean, um . . . I—"

I made her look at me and kissed her. "I was joking, babe."

A slow smile spread across her lips, and she laughed quietly. "Oh."

"I think I will take a shower, though, because I feel gross. Be back in a minute."

She nodded, and I gave her one more kiss before I left. I kept it quick in the shower and stepped into some loose, dark gray shorts when I was done. I smirked to myself as I settled them low on my hips. I didn't know why she liked it that way so much, but if it gave me even a fraction more hope of getting her back in bed soon, I'd do it.

When I went back out to the kitchen, Nessie was standing in front of the counter, staring at a shitload of stuff she'd set out. She looked up at me, and the look in her eyes told me she was getting overwhelmed.

"What's all this?" I asked. Most of it looked like the ingredients we'd need to make the pork chops, but some of it I had no idea why she thought we needed.

She shrugged and licked her lips. "I wanted to make sure we had everything."

I smiled and kissed her. "Okay. Let's set the pans on the stove and make some counter space."

We got started, and after reading through the recipe, I had her start the potatoes. She wanted to help rub the sage stuff on the pork chops, so I let her.

"It feels funny," she said.

I kept my mouth shut. The only thing I could think to say was a joke that she may or may not even get about her rubbing meat. Instead, I kissed her head and got the pan ready.

When everything was close to done about an hour later, Nessie set the table. I brought the food over, and we started to eat.

"So how was your day other than dealing with the cookbook and finishing the laundry?" I asked.

She shrugged. "It wasn't bad. You're almost out of laundry soap, by the way. And dryer sheets." I nodded. "How was yours?"

"It wasn't bad until I got ready to leave. That's when Jack started bitching at me."

She nodded. "What did he say this time?"

I really didn't want to tell her. I was afraid she'd get scared, then I'd really have to kill him. I sighed. I didn't want to lie to her, either. "He said he wanted to get me back for knocking two of his teeth out."

She raised an eyebrow. "When did you do that?"

I smirked. "When I hit him."

"You made him lose two teeth?" She almost sounded impressed.

"I guess. That's what he says, anyway."

"How is he planning on getting back at you?"

I clenched my jaw and tried to think of something that wasn't a lie but wasn't the truth either. Even if he hadn't made any specific threats, I didn't want her thinking she was in danger of any kind.

"Jake?"

"He didn't really say."

She pursed her lips. "Please don't lie to me, Jake. If he threatened you, that's not something you should just let go. You should tell someone."

"He didn't threaten me, Nessie; he threatened you. Then I told him very specifically that he won't even think about you."

"Why me?"

I sighed. "Because I love you. You're my soft spot."

She nodded, but didn't say anything else about it.

After dinner, we cleaned everything up. Nessie turned to me in the kitchen and put her hands on my chest. She looked up at me and smiled.

"I love you, Jake."

I bent to kiss her. "I love you, too."

She licked her lips, but it didn't look like her usual nervous action. It looked like she was just trying to taste them. It was fucking hot. She looked down and kissed my chest between her hands. When she pulled back, she began to slowly move her palms down. I held her shoulders lightly and just let her do what she wanted. She glanced up at me a few times, just quick peeks before she watched her hands again. I started to get really excited when she reached the waistband of my shorts, but she stopped there. Instead of going down any further, she went to the sides.

She swallowed and looked back up at me. "I really like your hips, Jake," she said softly as she settled her hands on them.

I kissed her again, a little harder than I intended to. "I like yours, too."

She blushed. "As amazing as all your parts are, I think they're my favorite."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. They're just very sexy."

"Mm, okay."

"What's your favorite part of me?"

I chuckled. "I have a lot of favorite parts."

Her blush deepened as her thumbs moved over my sides. "What if I told you that you could only pick one?"

I had to think about that for a minute. "Only one part?"

She nodded. "And it can't be my boobs, because that's used too often."

That made me laugh again. "Yeah, guys are all about the T and A."

She raised an eyebrow. "The what?"

"Tits and ass."

She just kept getting redder. "Is that . . ." she trailed off, but I knew what she was going to say.

I reached around her to squeeze her perfect cheeks. "You do have one hell of a nice ass, Ness, but no. That's not my favorite part." She looked up at me curiously, and I moved my hands to her hips. "If I could only pick one, I would have to choose your eyes."

She leaned back a little, obviously surprised. "My eyes? What's so sexy about them?"

"You have no idea, baby. But of everything that makes you up, I love your eyes the best. They tell me when you're happy or sad; they tell me when you're lying to me; they even tell me when you want to kiss me."

She licked her lips and looked up at me. "What, um . . . what are they saying now?"

I smirked and kissed her. "That you want me to take you back to the bedroom."

She reached up to hold my shoulders, and I knew I was right. "Are you going to?"

"Hell yeah."

I kissed her deeply for a second before I lifted her up. I took her back to the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. I took a moment to look at her before I crawled on top of her. After a few seconds, she crossed her arms over her stomach where her skin showed.

"What?" she asked, obviously embarrassed.

I leaned over and kissed her gently as I took her hands and moved her arms to her sides. "You are so beautiful, Ness. I like to look at you."

"Oh, yeah."

I chuckled. "What, you forgot about that?" I rubbed my hand lightly over her stomach. "I like this shirt, babe."

"No, you like the skin that shows when I wear it." She smiled shyly, and I couldn't help but laugh again.

"You're right. I really like the skin that shows. Can I kiss you here?" I put my finger on a spot near her hip, a quarter of an inch above her shorts.

She licked her lips and tensed a little. She surprised me, though. "Yes, but . . . just once."

If I only got one kiss, I had to make it a good one. I leaned over her and parted my lips, opening my mouth to kiss as much of her as I could. She sucked in a quick, deep breath and grabbed my hair as I gently sucked on her flesh. Her skin was so soft and tasted sweet. I thought about giving her a hickey there, but decided against it. Instead, I licked her and pulled back.

"That wasn't just a kiss," she accused. She obviously wasn't upset about it; she looked more turned on than anything else.

I smiled and kissed her lips. "Yes, it was. It was just a _real_ kiss."

She ran her fingers through my hair. "Um . . . Jake?"

She looked hesitant, almost scared about something. "What is it, Nessie?" I laid on my side beside her and made her look at me. She was really fighting with herself about something. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, but tears formed in her eyes. "I want . . . Jake, I'm sorry." She turned and pushed her face into my neck. "I'm really sorry."

I rubbed her back and kissed her head. "Nessie, please don't be sorry. We'll get through this. Can you tell me if it was something I did?"

She shook her head vehemently. "No, it wasn't you."

I believed her, but I wasn't sure what to think as she cried. It wasn't a breakdown, but it wasn't normal, either. It only lasted a few minutes, and when she pulled back, she wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

I kissed the tip of her nose. "None of that. What happened, baby?"

She sighed. "I wanted something, but I was scared to ask. Then it wasn't even asking; I was just afraid to get back to what we were doing."

I nodded. "Okay. Do you think you can tell me what you wanted? Were you afraid of how I would react?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I can try. It wasn't how you would react; I'm not even sure what it was. I was just scared."

I kissed her forehead and rubbed her back. "What did you want, baby?"

She drew in a deep breath and met my eyes. "I wanted to kiss you the way you kissed me."

"Do you still want to?" I really hoped she did.

She snuggled closer to me and shook her head. "I'm . . . I know you don't like it when I apologize, but I really do feel bad about this. I'm sorry because I kind of want to stop."

It took me a moment to make sure I could keep myself in check. I wouldn't let myself get upset with her, especially after I'd promised her time and again that I wouldn't push her. I smiled as best as I could and kissed her. "It's okay, baby."

"Don't be mad, Jake. I really didn't plan for this to happen."

"I'm not mad. I know you didn't plan for this." It was still early; things could heat up again later. I held her for a while, just listening to her breathe and, occasionally, sniffle. It was close to seven-thirty when she kissed my chest.

"I love you," she said quietly.

I ran my fingers through her hair. "I love you, too, baby."

"Thank you for not getting upset earlier."

I made her look at me and kissed her lips. "You know I wouldn't get mad about that."

She lifted her hand up to my face and smiled. "I know, but thank you anyway." She lightly scratched my jaw for a moment. "You should grow a beard."

I smirked. "Why?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Because I want to know what you'd look like with one."

"Okay." If she wanted to see it, I'd show her. And pray to God she didn't like it, because I sure as hell didn't.

Her eyes brightened. "Really?"

I chuckled. "Yeah. I won't shave for a few weeks."

"It takes that long?"

I shrugged. "My hair grows fast. In about two weeks, you'll be able to see what I'd look like with a beard. I won't grow a long one, babe. They're too much work."

She nodded. "That's fine. Thank you."

I kissed her again. "If the stubble gets to be too much, and you want it gone before then, just tell me." I could only hope.

She nodded again and kissed me. I deepened the kiss and thought about pushing her onto her back. Before I could, my phone started to play my song for Leah. I wanted to ignore it, but Nessie pulled back.

"Leah, right?" I nodded. "You should see what she needs. If she's calling this late, it could be important."

I checked the clock. It wasn't even eight o'clock yet. I didn't argue, though; I just got up to answer the call.

"What do you need?"

"Love you, too, Jake. Does Nessie have a dress to wear to my wedding?"

I raised an eyebrow and turned to ask Nessie. She licked her lips.

"I've got a few dresses, but I don't know if they still fit me."

I told Leah what Nessie said.

"Ask her if I can get her a new one. And if I can take her shopping for it tomorrow."

I closed my eyes. "Why don't you ask her?"

"I will. Give her the phone."

I took it over to Ness. "You want to talk to her?"

Nessie nodded and sat up. I listened impassively as they made plans for the next day. The whole day, from the sounds of it. I would more than likely be dragged through the whole damn process. I didn't really mind, as long as I didn't have to listen to hours of mindless chatter about shoes and which colors went with which. By the time Nessie hung up and gave the phone back to me, we had plans to meet Leah at the mall at nine o'clock the next morning.

We went to bed not long after that. Nessie was tired, and I didn't argue. I just held her tightly until she fell asleep.

* * *

Every morning I'd woken up with Nessie by my side, she'd already been awake. When I woke up on Saturday, I was surprised to find her still snuggled up to my side, asleep. I kissed her head and lightly touched her back as I looked down at her. I loved to watch her sleep; she was so relaxed and peaceful. She hadn't had a nightmare since she started sleeping here, and I hoped that meant she was done with them. She hadn't told me how often she usually had them, but I didn't want her to have to keep going through those on top of everything else.

I let her sleep until seven-forty-five, then we both needed to get up. I tightened my arm around her and shook lightly. "Baby, wake up."

She nuzzled into my shoulder and lifted her leg over mine. I wished I could let her sleep, but she was the one that made the plans with Leah. I kissed her head and shook her a little bit harder. She lifted her arm and grabbed my shoulder as her whole body tensed in a stretch. She groaned and looked up at me. "No," she grumbled, then shoved her face into my neck.

I chuckled and turned on my side. She groaned again and shook her head.

"You want to flake on Leah today?" She whimpered and shook her head again. "Then we need to get up and get ready."

"Five more minutes?"

I chuckled. "Sure, babe, but you're not going back to sleep. Wake up."

She lifted her head to glare at me, but it was obvious from the half-hidden smile on her lips that she was only joking. "I am awake. Thanks to you." She poked my side, and I tried not to jump back.

"It's your fault for making plans so damn early." I got back at her by poking her ribs. She giggled and squirmed. Seemed I wasn't the only ticklish one. I smiled widely and went after her stomach.

"Jake!" she screamed, her voice bubbling with laughter. She tried to push my hand away, but she was too weak for me. I leaned over her and tickled harder. "Stop." She smacked my arm, and as I was pulling back, she brought her legs up to try to protect herself. Her knee went right into my groin with enough force to knock the wind out of me.

"Oh, fuck," I groaned through my teeth. I rolled on to my back and closed my eyes tightly.

"Jake?" She put her hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay? What happened?"

I looked over at her and nodded. "I'm okay, babe." My voice was still strained. "You got me in the nuts."

Her brow furrowed for a second before she got it. "Oh, my God! Jake, I'm sorry. Are you sure you're okay?"

"No, Nessie, I'm fine. I just need a second." In some twisted way, I was really glad to know she could kick that hard.

"I didn't mean to."

I smiled and touched her cheek. "I know you didn't, baby."

"You know I wouldn't ever do that on purpose, right?"

I chuckled, but groaned when it put too much pressure on my balls. "I know, Ness. Please don't worry about it."

"I can't help but worry about it, Jake. I hurt you."

I pulled her up close to me and kissed her lips. "It's just like that time you slapped me when you had a nightmare, Ness. You were trying to protect yourself."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but I don't have to protect myself from you. You wouldn't hurt me."

"Regardless, Ness. I'm not upset about it, I know you didn't do it on purpose, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, okay? I'm fine."

She kissed me and sighed. "Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too. We need to get up."

She nodded. "I know. I need to take a shower."

We got up, and Nessie got her things ready for her shower. I furrowed my brow when she started toward the bedroom door. "Where you going?"

She turned and looked at me. "To the shower," she said obviously.

"The bathroom's over there." I pointed to the master bath.

She glanced between me and the bathroom a few times. "But that's your bathroom."

Aw, shit. And I thought she'd been doing so well with accepting everything as 'ours'. If she didn't want to claim the bathroom, I could only imagine what else she wouldn't use because she thought it was mine. I got up off the bed. She looked a little nervous as I framed her face with my hands and kissed her lips.

"Nessie, it's _our_ bathroom."

She blinked. "No, it's your bathroom. Just like it's your bedroom and your bed."

It frustrated me that she refused to admit it was hers, too. I knew this transition was hard for her, but I would think after four whole days, she should start to feel at least a little bit at home.

"Do you feel comfortable in our bedroom, Ness?"

"Yes, I'm comfortable in your bedroom."

I sighed and dropped my hands. "If you'd feel better showering in the guest bathroom, go for it." I really didn't want her to. I wanted her to use my shower and my towels and my soap. Fuck, I just wanted her to believe that she belonged here. She hesitated for a second before she looked down and walked out of the room. Dammit.

I didn't bother with a shower for myself since I'd had one the night before, so I just got dressed while she was gone. It wasn't surprising to me that she'd hung all of my shirts up, so I went through them until I found one I wanted to wear. I had planned on just leaving the room when she was done so she could get dressed, but she surprised me again by going to my dad's room. I sat on the edge of my bed to wait for her. When she came back to my room, she was dressed in a light blue shirt with elbow-length sleeves and her dark jeans. She smiled at me as she dried her hair and went into the bathroom.

She took another twenty minutes in the bathroom fixing her hair. When she finally emerged again, she'd put half of it up in a braid and done her makeup. She smiled as she came up and stood in front of me.

"How's this?" she asked. She turned in a circle to show me everything.

"You're sexy as always, Ness. Sit down for a second?" I patted the mattress beside me. Her smile disappeared as she sat down. "I want to talk to you about something."

She licked her lips. "Okay."

I made her look up at me and kissed her lips. "You know I love you, Nessie."

She nodded. "And I love you, too."

"Let's say for a second that our situations were reversed, okay? I'm the one losing my house, so I move in with you. Would you want me to make sure I ask before I touch anything or insist that I don't have a right to use something?"

Her brow furrowed. "I've never insisted that I don't have a right to use anything."

She had a point. I needed to reword things. "Okay. Let me start over. Situation's reversed; I'm living with you. Would you want me to stay in your room with you, or in a guest room?"

She looked up at me, obviously annoyed. "Jake, I agreed to stay with you. I've slept in your room with you ever since that first night."

"Yes, you have, and I appreciate that. But how would you feel in that situation if I insisted that it was your room, not mine? How would you feel if I wouldn't use your shower? I want you to feel like you're home here, baby, and I don't think you do."

Her eyes watered, and I had a feeling I'd just struck a nerve. "Because this isn't my home." She looked down at her fingers and sniffled. "My home is being seized today and will probably be auctioned off."

I put my arm around her and pulled her up close. I wasn't sure what to say to make her feel better. I was quiet for a few minutes. "How can I make it feel like it is yours, Ness?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

I tried to make her look at me again, but she pulled away and stood up. She didn't try to leave, though; she just stood there. I got up next to her and kissed her head.

"Baby, I want to help you. I can't do that if I don't know what to do."

She sniffled again and wiped her eyes. "If I knew what to do, I would have done it already. I'm sorry."

I pulled her into a hug. "It's okay, baby. Can you try, though? Please? This is your home now. Everything in it is as much yours as it is mine."

She wrapped her arms around my waist and pushed her face into my chest. "No promises, but I will try."

I kissed her hair again. "That's all I ask."

I held her tightly for a few minutes before we had to finish getting ready. She stood on her toes to kiss me then went to get her shoes.

"You hungry, babe?" I asked on my way to the kitchen.

"A little bit. Leah said something about Hanny's for lunch at noon." She walked in behind me and rubbed my back as I looked in the cupboards. It felt good.

"They have good food, and there are very few windows. Want a granola bar?" I grabbed one for myself and offered one to her. She smiled and took it.

"Thank you."

We finally left the house at eight-thirty. Nessie seemed excited when I pulled into a parking spot at the mall. She smiled brightly at me and took my hand as we walked in.

"Aren't you two just the cutest couple?" Leah said as we walked in. She hugged me then Nessie.

"Sam's not here?"

She shook her head. "No, I still haven't had any luck finding a dress for myself, so I thought I'd look while we were here."

"Oh. Aren't the brides supposed to have designer dresses bought from some outrageously expensive European catalog or something?"

She laughed. "I guess, if you're a normal girl. I'm not a normal girl, and I want a dress that isn't comparable in price to the national debt."

Nessie smiled. "I never understood that anyway. I like simple dresses better."

Leah hugged her shoulders. "Me too. So, we're going to go to Charlotte Russe first and see what we can find. We're not deciding on anything until we've scoured at least three stores, okay?"

Dear God, she was trying to kill me. Nessie smiled wider, though, and it was pretty obvious she was excited about this.

"And you have to promise me that you're not going to freak out about the price. Don't even look at the price tags. Nothing in any of the stores we go to will be over a few hundred dollars anyway, so just don't worry about it."

Nessie's eyes widened. "Please tell me you won't spend a few hundred dollars on a dress for me."

Leah sighed. "I said don't worry about it."

Nessie looked up at me, and I just shrugged. I wasn't stupid enough to argue with Leah in wedding mode. With that, we went to the first store. I mostly kept to myself, keeping an eye on Ness and Leah while they did their thing. They both held up dresses to themselves and the other would nod or shake their head. I saw a few I'd like to see Nessie wear. By the time they actually started trying the dresses on, Nessie had three and Leah had six.

"Jake, we need you for a second," Leah said as she grabbed my hand. She took a chair from one of the dressing rooms and set it just outside them. "Sit here so we can model for you."

I smirked and sat down. They both went into the same dressing room, and I had to really work to keep from imagining them undressing together. I might not have romantic feelings for Leah anymore, but I knew her body well. She was a beautiful woman, and she and Nessie would look good tangled together. Damn, I needed to stop thinking about it. I shifted in my seat and waited for them.

Leah came out first in a sea green gown that would have looked nice if it wasn't so hideous.

"I'll take that as a no," she said before I could even say anything.

"What? I didn't . . . yeah, it's a no. Sorry."

She shrugged. "I like the color, though. Do you at least like the color?"

I pursed my lips. "It doesn't look good on you."

She sighed. "Fine. You done yet, Nessie?"

I turned my eyes to the dressing room door, waiting for her to come out. Her dress just had to be better than Leah's.

"Um . . ." Nessie said from behind the door. She sounded nervous. "I think . . . kind of . . ."

"Well, come on out. Or do you need some help?"

"I don't know if I have it on right."

Leah glanced at me. "Be right back."

She disappeared back into the dressing room, and I heard her assuring Nessie that she looked fine. She finally coaxed her to come out and show me.

The dress was dark pink with long sleeves, but it was really tight stretch cotton and only went to the top of her thighs. My eyes were glued to her legs as she stood in front of me, clearly very nervous.

"Well, what do you think?" Leah asked.

I met Nessie's eyes, and it was obvious she didn't like the dress. She kept trying to pull it down, even though it wasn't budging.

"Um . . . wow. Ness, you're gorgeous. What do you think of it?"

"It's too short. I don't like how short it is." She shook her head and looked up at Leah.

"But you have fabulous legs, Nessie. It shows them off really nicely. Don't you think, Jake?"

Fuck yes. "Of course, but if you're not comfortable in it, try something else on."

They both went back to change. They showed me each of their dresses, and I only had to tell Leah her dress sucked one more time. The other dresses she had were pretty nice. Nessie just kept getting hotter each time she tried on something new. One of her dresses was sleeveless with a low, fitted top that made her tits look especially enticing, and I said no immediately. It was one thing to strut around the house in something like that. There were going to be teenage boys at Leah's wedding, though, and I wasn't going to let Nessie wear something that would only fuel their wet dreams.

We finally moved on to the next store an hour and a half later and repeated the process. By the time were done, it was damn near one o'clock. Nessie had found her dress, though, and I couldn't agree with her decision more. It was an emerald green dress with thin straps. The top part looked like it had been woven together over her boobs, and the bottom part flowed out from under her bust and ended just above her knees. I was a little worried about her in something that showed so much of her skin, but she assured me that she'd wear tights and a light jacket to protect her skin.

Leah was a different story. She was upset that she hadn't found a dress for herself yet. As we were getting ready to leave the fourth shop, she saw it.

"Okay, one more," she announced as she walked over to the dress. It was a gray, Greek-style dress with one shoulder and a slit up one side. It was long and looked like it would go to the floor. "Go sit down again, Jake."

I laughed and took Nessie's bag and her hand to go back to the dressing room. She sat on my lap as we waited.

"Have you had fun today?" I asked her.

She nodded and kissed my lips. "Yes, I have. I've always wanted to do something like this."

I hugged her waist and kissed her shoulder. "Good. You getting hungry?"

"Yeah. Hopefully Leah will be up for lunch after this."

The door opened, and Leah stepped out. "What do you think, guys?"

"Oh, my God, Leah," Nessie gasped. "That is amazing." She got up to lightly touch the material. "It looks so good on you."

She wasn't lying. I had never seen Leah so damn beautiful before. "I think you found your dress, Leah. Do you like it?"

She smiled hugely. "Yes, I do. Do you think Sam'll like it?"

"I'll kick his ass if he doesn't."

She laughed and decided to get it. When we were finally done, we decided just to go to the food court for lunch. It was faster and cheaper, and we were all starving. We got some deli sandwiches, and Leah and Nessie wanted to get a slice of pie to go with it. We sat down to eat and made small talk about the dresses and the upcoming wedding. It was only two weeks away to the day, and Leah was getting antsy.

"So next Saturday," Leah said as we ate, "I want to take you to the spa, Nessie."

Nessie looked at her with wide eyes. "Why?"

Leah shrugged. "Because I'm going and I'd like some company. That is, if Jake will let you out of his sight for a day."

I rolled my eyes. "You can go if you want, Ness."

Nessie blushed. "I know, but . . . you really want to take me?"

"Yes, of course I do. I like you."

Ness looked at me with a huge grin before accepting the invitation. I knew Leah wasn't inviting her just to be nice; she didn't do anything just to be nice. It made me happy to know that Nessie would be getting out of the house and having a girl's day.

After the sandwiches, the girls started on their dessert. I loved watching Nessie's lips close around the fork. She caught me staring at her mouth and smirked. For a moment, I thought I was in trouble. Instead of saying anything about it, though, she held out a bite for me.

"Want a taste?" she asked.

"Sure." I just opened my mouth and let her feed me. I caught Leah's smirk before she said anything.

"I'm sure Jacob would just _love_ to eat your pie."

It took everything in me to keep from choking or spitting it out.

Nessie gave her a look that obviously meant she didn't get the joke. She turned back to me. "Do you want it?" She held out the pie, and Leah's laugh only made it harder to swallow what was already in my mouth. I finally managed and shook my head.

"No, thanks, babe. You eat it."

"Jacob!" Leah gasped in mock surprise. "You expect her to eat her own pie? Even I can't bend like that."

Nessie raised her eyebrow, and I gave Leah a stern look. "Knock it off, Leah."

"Why do you have to bend to eat pie?"

"You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

I groaned, and Nessie just looked confused.

"You're talking about pie."

"Sure. Cherry pie."

I shook my head. Leah should know by now that Nessie knew next to nothing about sex jokes.

"But my pie is berry."

"Every pie has a berry. A very nice berry."

"Leah, please stop."

She looked at me. "I'm just playing, Jake."

"I can name at least ten pies that don't have berries," Nessie said matter-of-factly.

"Either tell her what you're talking about or drop it."

Leah sighed. "Not that kind of pie, Ness. I'm talking about the pie between your legs."

Nessie looked down, as if expecting to see a real pie there. She sighed in frustration and looked at Leah. "What?"

Leah chuckled and leaned over to whisper in her ear. I saw the moment she understood. Her eyes widened, and she blushed a deep crimson. She met my eyes for a brief second before she focused intently on the pie in front of her. She didn't say anything at all for a few long minutes. Leah looked satisfied about something, and I just prayed this didn't make her uncomfortable when we went to bed that night.

When we were done with lunch, I thought we were actually done and able to go home. No such luck. As soon as our trash was in the can, the girls started talking about shoes. I sighed and just followed behind them as they tried to predict what kinds of things they would find to go with their dresses.

I had to suffer through four more stores and countless shoes, handbags, earrings, bracelets, and anything else they thought they needed. By the time they were actually done and we could leave, it was after six o'clock. We picked up some takeout on the way home for dinner.

"Thank you for doing that, Jake," Nessie said as we walked in the house.

"Doing what?"

She shrugged. "All that. Everything that you did today. Thank you."

I put the bag with dinner down on the table and pulled her into a tight hug. "You're welcome, baby. I'm glad you had a good day." I kissed her head then her lips. "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you, too."

We ate dinner and watched a movie, then we went to bed around nine o'clock. Nessie was exhausted from the busy day, so I didn't even try to get her to make out. We shared some deep kisses, then she snuggled up to me and went to sleep.

* * *

The next two days went by easily. I went to work early and got home in time to make dinner with Nessie. Jack left me alone, which was a relief. Sunday night I got to make out with Nessie the way I'd been dying to since Thursday. I still wasn't able to make her cum, though. I knew if she'd let me touch her, I could make her cum multiple times. But she wasn't ready for that, and I wasn't going to push it. Nessie was crying when I got home on Monday. She'd had a bad day again, fighting with her memories, and I held her for a few hours.

I had Tuesday off, and I was looking forward to finally having a day to rest with Nessie. She was awake when I got up at eight o'clock.

"Good morning, sleepy head," she said with a smile.

I kissed her lips. "Morning. Love you, baby."

"I love you, too. Do you want some coffee?"

That was an odd question. "I don't know . . . why?"

She blushed. "I was curious about how the coffee pot worked, so I fiddled with it until I made it work. Now you have a full pot waiting for you."

I chuckled and sat up. "Thanks, baby. How long have you been up?"

"About an hour. You've been going for so many days, so I thought I'd let you sleep some more."

I kissed her. "I appreciate it, babe. You hungry?"

She shook her head. "No, I had some cereal already. I looked for some nails, but you don't have any."

I laughed and hugged her. "I do, they're just out in the shed."

I ate some breakfast and choked down a half a cup of coffee. She might have figured out how to make it work, but she still didn't know how to make it good. She looked sad when I gave up the fight and made a new pot.

"I'm sorry, Jake."

"Don't be sorry, baby. You've never made it before. It's not inherent knowledge that you don't fill the filter to the brim with the grounds. Come here, and I'll show you how to make it."

She stood beside me as I showed her how many scoops to put in for two cups. I never had more than two, so I never made more than that. She looked satisfied to at least know. When breakfast was done, we watched a movie. Neither of us bothered getting dressed. She was in a loose, white t-shirt with her gray sweats, and I was just in my shorts.

We didn't get very into the movie before Nessie started to kiss my neck. My attention was easily diverted, and I held her tightly as she worked her way down toward my shoulder. Her whole body tensed for a moment, and her lips hesitated right where my shoulder met my neck. I was about to pull back when she opened her mouth. Slowly, she very lightly bit me. The sensation had nothing on the thought that my timid little Nessie just used her teeth. I was so turned on already, and now there was no hope of going back to the show.

She looked up at me shyly. "I, um . . ."

"You better not apologize," I said, a little rougher than I meant to. "That was fucking hot."

She blushed and smiled. "You liked it?"

"You like it when I bite you, don't you?"

She nodded. "Yes, I do. That's why I did that."

"Exactly."

She licked her lips and looked down for a second before she met my eyes again. "Should I do it again?"

I kissed her, teasing her with my tongue for a minute. When I pulled back, I spoke against her lips. "Fuck yes."

She shivered beside me and met my eyes. Without a word, she pushed me back and kept eye contact as she kissed my jaw. I shifted a little, trying to ease the discomfort in my pants. My sweats weren't tight, but I needed some kind of friction against my dick or I was going to die soon. She finally looked down as she kissed me down my throat back to where my shoulder connected. I closed my eyes and tried not to moan too loudly when she opened her mouth and bit me very deliberately. It wasn't hard, but my God it was incredible. She kissed the spot as if trying to soothe it before she sat back again.

"Can we go to your room, Jake?"

I cleared my throat, brought out of my haze a little by what she'd said. "No, but we can go to our room."

She frowned slightly, but didn't say anything about it. I didn't want to argue either; I just wanted to get back there and attack her neck. Or have her attack mine. Either way. She got up and took my hand. I didn't bother turning off the movie; I just followed her back to the room. I was about to pick her up and lay her down when she turned to me.

"Jake?" I hummed and pulled her close with my hands on her hips. "Will you sit with your back against the headboard?"

I raised an eyebrow, but nodded anyway. She obviously had something planned or something she wanted to try. I kissed her quickly and got up on the bed how she'd asked. She licked her lips and climbed up next to me, then slowly and carefully straddled my legs. I tried to pull her up close to me, but she put her hands on my chest as her body tensed.

"Just a second, Jake. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize again, Nessie. Just take your time."

She nodded and licked her lips again. She fiddled with the bottom hem of her shirt for a second. "Will you close your eyes?"

"Sure, but why?"

She looked down for a second before she answered me. "I want to do something, and I'm trying really hard not to freak out about it. I think it will be easier if you close your eyes."

"Okay." I slid my eyes shut. "Can't see a thing, babe."

I heard her take a deep breath, then she wiggled on top of me for a second. It was obvious that she was still hesitant; her legs were tense as hell. She settled down, and I felt her hands on my shoulders. After a few more deep breaths, I felt her lips on mine.

"You can look now."

She leaned back, and I opened my eyes. All I could do was stare. Nessie sat there on my lap, shirtless. Her tits stared back at me, perfectly round and plump with tight nipples.

"Jake?"

I looked up at her briefly, but my eyes kept going back to her chest. I was pretty sure this meant I was able to play with them. I slid my hands up her back and rubbed lightly; I didn't want to seem too eager. She surprised me again by wrapping her arms around herself, covering her tits. I looked up at her face, and my gut clenched when I saw her eyes closed with a tear dripping down her cheek.

"Ness? What's wrong?"

She shook her head and started to climb off me. She didn't move her arms, though, and lost her balance. I held her steady but didn't let her go.

"Baby, tell me what's wrong? Was this too much?"

She sobbed once and threw herself at me. Her arms wrapped around my neck, and she pushed her face into my neck. I tried really hard not to concentrate on the way her tits felt on my chest. I held her tightly and prayed she could work through this quickly.

"Why didn't you touch me?" she asked quietly, her voice thick with her tears.

Maybe hesitating wasn't the best idea. "I don't know, babe. I guess I wanted to make sure you didn't think that was all I wanted."

"But I thought you did want to. You asked to before, and you . . . I just thought that meant you liked them. I'm sorry. I know they're small, and I'm sorry."

Motherfucker! I leaned my head back, smacking it against the headboard. "Please, for the love of God, stop apologizing, Nessie. You don't have anything to be sorry for. I do, though. I thought I was being nice, and it turns out I only hurt you. I want to touch your tits, baby. You have no fucking idea how much I want that. Most girls I know get offended when a guy jumps on them at the first opportunity, though, and I just wanted to show you I can restrain myself a little." I kissed her head and ran my fingers through her hair. "And they're not small. You're what, a C-cup?" She nodded. "That's not small for a girl your size, Ness. I mean, they're not huge, but that's good, too. They're perfect, just like the rest of you."

She sniffled and leaned back. "You think so?"

This time I didn't hesitate to move my hands around and palm her tits. They felt so right in my hands. "I know so, Ness."

She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm . . ." I gave her a stern look, praying she wasn't about to apologize again. "Um, thank you."

I smiled and kissed her lips. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

I deepened the kiss and squeezed her tits lightly. She moved forward on my lap and started to comb her fingers through my hair at the back of my head. She pulled back from the kiss and met my eyes.

"Do you want to, um . . . you know . . . move with me?"

I smiled. I loved how innocent she was. "Yes, baby. But like this." I wrapped on arm around her back and pulled her closer until she was right on my dick. "Okay?"

She nodded and moved her hips, grinding against me in the best way. I kissed her again and pinched her nipple as I used my arm around her to help guide her movements. Each and every whimper she made got me closer, and I couldn't get enough of her free nipple grazing my chest. I needed to see her as she moved, though. I pushed her back a little. She looked at me, confused.

"I just want to watch you, babe. Keep moving." I put both my hands on her hips and helped her move a little faster. She closed her eyes and moaned. Her fingers had slipped down to my forearms, and they held tightly, the tips digging into my skin. My eyes were glued to her tits, bouncing a little with each movement she made. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and reached around to grab her again.

"Dammit, Ness, you are so fucking sexy. I love how you move on me." She whimpered and reached up to cover my hand on her tit with hers. "I can't wait to fuck you, babe. I want to feel your warm pussy on me." Shit, I was close. I had to taste her, though. I leaned down as much as I could and lifted her a little with my arm around her to lick her nipple. She gasped and moaned as her fingers on my arm dug in deep. "Does that feel good to you, Ness?" I leaned back again to see her face.

"Oh," she whimpered. She kind of nodded and squeezed my fingers. "I . . . yes, Jake."

She was too much. She moved a few more times before I was done. I wrapped both my arms around her and pulled her in close, holding her tightly as I bucked my hips and gasped into her neck. She held my neck and lightly smoothed her fingers over my hair as I calmed down.

"Jesus Christ, Ness."

She kissed my cheek, and I pulled back. "I love you, Jake."

I smiled and kissed her lips. "I love you, too, Ness." I could only wait for the day that I didn't have to get out of bed after we finished. I'd either just slip off a condom or, probably in the very distant future, just cum inside her. But for now, I was not going to sit in sweats like this. I kissed her one more time. "I gotta get up for a second, babe."

She nodded and slipped off my lap. I got up, grabbed a clean pair of pants, and went into the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting on the side of the bed with her shirt back on. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't figure she'd be ready to walk around with it off all the time.

"So what should we do now?" she asked as she stood up.

I shrugged. "I don't know. We can finish watching that movie. Or start it over, since we really didn't actually see much of it."

She blushed and nodded. "Okay."

I took her hand, and we went back out to the living room.

* * *

A/N:Thanks for reading! I'm on Twitter: SheeWolf85

Jake's song for Leah? The Bitch Song by Bowling for Soup. I imagine Jake having a very eclectic taste in music, much like myself and many other awesome people :)

Question for my readers – When mentioning music in a fic, do you guys prefer the name of the song and the artist in the fic, or do you prefer a more ambiguous approach? Nessie will be discovering a lot of music in the next chapter, and I don't want to make it confusing by being too vague, but I also don't want to be annoying by being too specific. Sooo . . . thoughts on that would be awesome. I will also have a poll up on my profile shortly so you can answer that way if you'd prefer.

If you would like to see pictures of the dresses they decided on, I have links on my profile.


	34. Music Again

A/N: I had an interesting question in a review and thought I'd answer here. How long have Jake and Nessie known each other now? They met during Nessie's 2nd interview on the 5th of February. This chapter starts off on the 19th of May, so they've known each other roughly 3 - ½ to 4 months. They became a couple after their second big fight on April 25th, so they've been together romantically almost a month. I have a 2010 calendar set up with all my important dates planned out and outlined, lol. As of right now, I'm planning for this story to end somewhere around the middle of July. I'm not 100 percent sure how many chapters or how long that will be, but that's what's planned :)

I don't speak German. I know a few words here and there, but everything in this chapter I got from youswear . com. I apologize if there are any errors.

Enjoy! If I owned Twilight or any of its characters, would I really be writing fanfiction? Okay, yeah, I probably would, but that's not the point.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Three

Music Again

_Oh, you make me want to listen to music again_

-Music Again – Adam Lambert

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

It didn't take long to realize that I liked the days Jake didn't have to work much better than the ones he did. With the laundry completely caught up, there wasn't much to do. I went around the house Wednesday cleaning up odd little things like the case from the movie we'd watched the day before, a few pieces of clothing that didn't make up a full load yet, and some random dust bunnies. I vacuumed for the hell of it, even though the carpet really didn't need it. I read some of my book, but it couldn't hold my interest for very long. I realized as I put it up that it was overdue. I was too far to walk to the library, so I'd have to ask Jake to take me someday soon. I still had a little bit of my own money, so I could pay the fine.

I was bored by the time one o'clock came around, so I went into Jacob's bathroom and rearranged everything. I tried to make sure that the things he used on a daily basis stayed where they were before. I smiled when I put his razor on the highest shelf I could reach. It wouldn't be anything for him to get it, but I knew he wouldn't.

I wasn't sure why I'd asked him to grow a beard. I was curious to know what he looked like with it, but I think it was mostly just to see if he really would do that for me. So far he hadn't shaved at all since Friday when I'd asked him, and he had some good stubble showing. I liked to scratch it, and he said it felt good. I wasn't too sure I liked the way it poked my face when he kissed me, but I figured I'd get over that when it got longer.

When the bathroom was done, I rearranged the closet. I color-coded all of his shirts, starting with the lightest gray he had and working my way through all of the colors to black. He had a lot of black shirts. I wondered if it was just because he knew he looked damn good in them, or if it had something to do with his name. Either way, it didn't matter. I did the same to my shirts when I was done, and smiled when I realized that most of mine were white, purple, or green.

I sighed after I'd finished reorganizing everything. I was really out of things to do, and it wasn't even three o'clock yet. I still had an hour and forty-five minutes before Jacob would get home. I decided to organize Jacob's movies. He had a ton of them, and it would probably take me two hours to do it. I hoped.

I wasn't so lucky. Most of his movies were already sorted alphabetically. There were a few that we'd watched recently that weren't in their right places, but it only took me ten minutes to fix them. I sighed from disappointment and opened a random cupboard under the entertainment center. There were three large cases and four smaller ones stacked neatly inside. Curious, I pulled one out and opened it. It was full of CDs. Jacob had mentioned something about music when I first moved in, but I hadn't thought much about it. Music was never a big thing in my house anyway, but I hadn't actually listened to anything since the accident.

I looked through them and found they were all listed alphabetically by artist, then by album. Each CD had the album booklet in front of it. I wondered briefly if Jake threw the cases away or if he had them stored somewhere.

Pretty soon I had all of the cases open and laid on the floor around me. I had even picked out two CDs I kind of wanted to hear. One of them was an artist that my dad used to like, and the other was one I'd heard mentioned a few times at Debt to Wealth. Jacob had a five disc changer, but I couldn't figure out how to work it. It would turn on and open and all that, but no matter what I did, I couldn't get it to actually play the music.

I was about ready to give up when Jacob got home. A part of me started to panic; what if he got upset that I was obviously messing with his things? The larger part of me was confident that he wouldn't, but I was still a little worried about it.

"Hey, babe," he said when he came in.

"Hi." I tried not to hide what I was doing since it wouldn't work anyway, but I still found myself trying to stand in front of the stereo.

"You okay?" He came up to me and kissed me then looked down at all the CD stuff I had strewn about.

"Yeah, I'm okay. How was your day?"

"Not bad. Did you decide on something you wanted to listen to?"

"Yeah, kind of. I, um . . . I couldn't make it work, though."

He smiled and kissed me again. "It's easy. Let me show you." He turned me around and pushed another button. "This is the receiver. You have to turn it on and set it to CD, then you'll be able to hear it. You adjust the volume here, too."

He gestured for me to start the music, and I looked up at him hesitantly. I didn't want to break anything. I figured I couldn't do any more damage than I may have already done, so I went ahead and pushed the play button. It had somehow gotten on to random, and it was a few more seconds before the player decided on something. I jumped a little when the music came on; it was really loud. Jacob laughed and turned the volume down.

"'Ride the Lightening.' Good choice."

It was definitely not the CD my dad used to have. I wasn't even sure how it could be called music. I looked up at Jake and had to smile when he started to dance. Well, he started to move his body, anyway. It wasn't dancing in any sense that I recognized.

"You like this?" I asked.

He met my eyes with a grin. "You don't? This is classic Metallica, Nessie."

I raised my eyebrow. "Classic or not, it sucks."

He stopped in his tracks and looked down at me with a look that would have scared me if I didn't know him so well. It was his playful, pretend-anger look. "You're damn lucky I love you, Ness. No one says old Metallica sucks and gets away with it."

I was curious as to why he'd made that distinction. "What's the difference between the old and the new?"

He chuckled. "New Metallica sucks."

I couldn't help but smile. "Maybe it's just this song. Can I change it?"

"Sure. Oh, wait . . . let me put one on for you. You might like this one better." I stepped back and let him do his thing. He got out a different CD and put it in, then selected the song he wanted. "This is one of my favorites."

It sounded so different from the first song that played. "This is the same band?"

He nodded as he pulled me close to him. "They're versatile." He began to move again, only the music was slower, and he made me move with him. I realized that he was dancing with me. I put my hands up on his shoulders and let him do what he wanted.

"What's the name of this song?" I wasn't sure if I liked it or not, but I wanted to be able to find it again.

"'Nothing Else Matters.' So how was your day?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It was okay. I rearranged the bathroom and the closet; I tried to do the movies, too, but they're already organized. Same with the music."

He chuckled. "Yeah, Leah organized all that shit when we were together. I never did anything different with it because it's easy to find what I want that way. Why did you do the bathroom and the closet?"

"I was bored."

"Really?" He sounded surprised, like it was shocking that I was bored.

It was, a little. Up until now, I'd taken a nap or read when there wasn't anything to do. I had read a little bit in the last couple days, but it wasn't until that moment that I realized I had actually wanted to do something today. It was a strange thought.

"Yeah."

"Well, that's good, baby." He kissed my head.

I leaned into him and kissed his chest. "How was your day?"

"Not bad at all. It was actually pretty good. Leah doesn't like the scruff, but I made her shut up about it."

I smiled as I leaned back and reached up to scratch his jaw. "I like it. It makes you look all rugged and stuff."

He smirked. "Rugged? Like my manly good looks don't do that already?" He flexed around me, showing off his sizeable arms.

I couldn't help but laugh. He was so cute when he was pretending to be cocky. "Well, yes, but the scruff definitely helps."

He nodded. "Of course you'd say that." He leaned in and scratched my forehead with his chin. I giggled and pulled back.

"Not fair, Jake. You can't do that."

"Oh, but I can. It's my scruff." He did it again, and I put my hands up to block him.

"The music sucks again, Jake. You should fix that."

He surprised me by flipping me around and pulling me back against him. He held me tightly with my arms crossed and pinned, and I couldn't move. In that instant, I felt both a rush of panic and a warm shock of pleasure run through me. My body started to throb hard at the same time that my heart raced for a completely different reason. He bent down to speak into my ear, and so many sensations hit me at once. There was his growing facial hair lightly grazing my earlobe, his breath on my neck, and his voice so low and gravelly as he pretended to be threatening. I moaned with a strange sort of breathless ecstasy before he could even say a full sentence. He stopped and hesitated for a second.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked.

My breath hitched, and I nodded. "Yes." It was barely a whisper.

He rearranged his hold on me, holding my arms with one of his as he used the other to move my hair away from my neck. He lowered his head to kiss me, and I tilted my head and moaned when he bit me lightly. He moved his free hand down to my hips and pulled me against him harder, and I whimpered again when I felt his erection against my back.

"I love you," he said gruffly.

The music was only getting harsher, and it seemed to match the growing mix of panic and pleasure in my gut. I managed to whimper something that sounded like, "I love you, too."

He licked my earlobe before he took it in his mouth and sucked gently. My eyes slid closed as my body continued to throb harder. His hand on my hip pulled me back tightly then slowly slipped down to my thigh. My breath hitched again, and I wasn't sure if I was more scared or turned on. Fear won out as his hand moved between my legs. I tugged on my arms and whimpered again.

"Jake, stop."

He pulled back and released me, his hands holding me steady as I nearly lost my balance. I turned back around and looked up at him.

"You okay?" he asked, touching my cheek.

I nodded. "Yeah. I, um . . . I got overwhelmed." I tried hard to keep from apologizing. I did feel bad, but I knew it only upset him worse when I said it.

He smiled and kissed me. "That's okay, baby." He turned and changed the music for me, and this time it was one I recognized. As the first strains of Don Henley's 'The End of the Innocence' began to play, I realized it was a terrible idea to put it in. My heart was still pounding from what had just happened, and it seemed to fuel the collection of memories that hit me all at once. They were memories that I rarely thought about but had never forgotten, either. My dad getting my first CD player for me and picking out CDs with him at the store; the background music that would often play while he drew and I sat on the floor next to him; the times that he would get somber, thinking about my mother, and he'd play this exact song.

My arms wrapped around my stomach, and before I could do anything else, Jacob was holding me.

"Should I turn it off?" he asked.

I shook my head. I couldn't speak. Somewhere deep inside me, I wanted to listen to it. It hurt so badly, but I needed it. He picked me up and sat down on the couch, holding me on his lap. He rubbed my back as I cried, and the music faded to a distant murmur behind every single memory forcing more tears. I heard Jake talking to me, but I couldn't make out the words he said. Everything hurt so much worse, as it had been doing lately. By the time three songs had played, I wished with everything I had that I could just forget. I didn't want these memories if they hurt so much. As I thought that, I felt a strong pang of guilt. It was worse than anything else; how could I ever _want_ to forget my father? My stomach churned, and I tried to push myself up. My body wouldn't cooperate with me. I closed my eyes tightly and prayed I didn't throw up.

I couldn't say where the little bit of luck came from, but my stomach kept its contents inside. Instead of trying to push the memories away and forget, I let them all come. Another two songs had gone by when I finally started to feel like I could breathe again.

"It's okay, baby," Jake said. He kissed my head again.

Every muscle in my body hurt so badly, and I let myself go limp. It felt nice to just rest against Jacob, my face laying on his soaked shoulder. I wondered briefly what he would do if I cried on him without a shirt. I was glad it was there to catch all of my tears and make it easy for him to clean up.

"Are you okay, Ness?" he asked as he rubbed my back.

I nodded and sniffled. "I think so."

"Should we turn the music off?" Don Henley was still playing, and it still hurt. I nodded again, and Jake lifted me off his lap. He turned everything off and put all the cases away. I felt bad that he did it when I was the one that dragged them all out, but I could hardly move. When he was done, he came back and picked me up. "You want to lay down for a bit?"

His thoughtfulness got to me, and I felt new tears well in my eyes. I just nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck. He laid me down on the bed and kissed my forehead.

"I'm going to take a shower, but I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay."

He was back within fifteen minutes, shirtless and in sweats like he usually was after a shower. He got in beside me and pulled me up close. I lifted my arm up to hold on to his neck and nuzzled my face into his shoulder. He felt so good next to me, and I loved to sniff him when he was still a little wet. I kissed his damp skin and shifted to put my leg over his.

"I love you, Jake."

He squeezed me lightly and kissed my head. "I love you, too, baby."

We laid together for a while, occasionally kissing the other wherever we could reach. I never wanted to move from that spot, but all too soon, his stomach reminded us that he still needed to eat. For some reason, I found the loud growl amusing. I smiled and put my hand over his abs.

"Aw, is my poor baby hungry?"

He chuckled. "No, that's just the rabid Tasmanian devil I have in there."

I looked up at him. "So does this mean I should call you Taz from now on?"

He kissed my lips. "Call me whatever you want; doesn't matter as long as you feed me."

An idea began to form when he said that. I licked my lips and kissed him again. "Okay. Let me clean up, then I'll feed you."

He raised an eyebrow. "You will?"

"Of course. You just stay right here, okay?"

He seemed a little reluctant, but he nodded. "Okay."

I wasn't sure if he was hesitant about what I would feed him or if it was something else, but I didn't let myself be bothered by it. I knew whatever I came up with, it would probably be wrong anyway. I went to the bathroom and cleaned my face, wiping away all evidence of my tears. Once I was fresh again, I smiled at Jake on my way through the room to the kitchen.

"Ness?" Jake said before I reached the door. I turned to him.

"You don't have to do that. I can come help make something."

"I know. But just stay there and trust me, okay? I'll feed you."

He nodded, so I left the room. In the kitchen, I got out a big plate and put a few things on it. I knew Jake was expecting me to actually make something. I kind of wanted to, but I also wanted to get him fed. I knew he had to be starving; he usually was when he got home from work. I rolled some sandwich meat and cheese together and arranged them on the plate, then I added some grapes and strawberries and grabbed two sodas. On my way back to the room, I smiled to myself as I came up with an even better idea than just setting it down and letting him eat.

"Sit up, Jake," I said as I walked in. He gave me a strange look, but didn't look disgusted by the things I had set up. I put the plate and sodas on the bedside table and patted his arm. "Please?"

He sat up against the headboard. "Finger food. Looks good, babe."

I kind of laughed to myself. I was sure anything would look good to him at the moment. He reached to grab one of the wraps, but I caught his wrist. "Hold on a second."

He raised an eyebrow. "You bring me food then won't let me eat it? Are you Satan?"

I shook my head and climbed on his lap, straddling him. I made sure I didn't sit too close; I wanted him to enjoy the food. With my backside close to his knees, I picked up one of the wraps. "No. You told me to feed you, so I'm going to."

He made a noise of appreciation as he caught on. He opened his mouth and let me do the work as he put his hands on my hips. Somehow, I wasn't sure how, it seemed so erotic doing this. Like just feeding my boyfriend was a huge turn on. The feeling got more intense the more I fed him. I wasn't sure I was supposed to feel like this. I met his eyes as I put some grapes in his mouth and realized when I saw how dark his were that he felt the same way.

"Jake?" He hummed as he chewed. "This is sexy."

He smirked and swallowed. "Yeah it is. I like it when you feed me. Make sure you eat some, too, okay?"

I licked my lips. "Do you . . . um . . . do you want to feed me?" I felt a pit open up in my stomach, a strange fear building that he wouldn't want to do that. I wasn't sure why.

He nodded and grabbed a strawberry. "Sure, baby."

I bit into it, and the pit turned to something different. I liked this new feeling; it was like the usual throbbing, only harder. More urgent. I got some more grapes for him, and he caught my finger. A rush of something stronger than I'd ever felt flew through me as he lightly bit my fingers then sucked on them as he took the fruit. I was already breathing heavily, and now my heart was pounding harder. He got a grape for me, and I decided to give him the same treatment.

His eyes darkened even more as I bit his forefinger. I had never felt as aroused as I did in that moment, sucking on his finger and lightly teasing him with my tongue. His free arm wrapped around my back and pulled me up close to him.

"Are you full yet?" he asked as he pulled his hand back. Even though I'd only had a half a strawberry and one grape, I nodded. "Good." He leaned in to kiss me deeply. As he thrust his tongue into my mouth, he leaned forward and turned us so he was laying on top of me, between my legs. I accepted him eagerly and grabbed his shoulders tightly as he pushed his hips into mine.

I moaned loudly into his mouth and wrapped my legs around him. He slipped an arm down to my hips and held me tightly as he thrust. He broke the kiss and nibbled my cheek to my ear, his facial hair causing even more shivers of pleasure throughout my whole body. "Jake, God . . . Oh . . ."

"I want to make you cum," he said roughly. "Tell me what you need, baby." I wasn't sure what I needed. I just needed . . . more. So I told him. "More what? What feels good?"

"Everything . . ."

He repositioned his hips, and when he pushed in again, his erection rubbed against an extremely sensitive part. I gasped and arched my back. "Right there," I said, grabbing his hair. He did it again, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. "Oh, right there, Jake."

He moved his hand around me and reached down as if he was going to touch me. In that brief second, I was so conflicted. I wanted so badly to let him, but not even the most incredible pleasure could block out the rush of panic that tightened my chest and made my stomach churn.

"No," I whimpered. I tried to wriggle away from him. He put his hand on my hip and met my eyes.

"Baby, it's okay. I'm not going to touch you there. I just wanted to make sure I kept hitting that spot."

I was confused, and I didn't like it. "What?"

He kissed my lips. "I was just going to hold my dick in place, babe."

It took me a minute to understand what he was saying. When I finally got it, I blushed from both embarrassment and shame. I should have known better than to think Jake would try to do that before I was ready. My lip trembled as I felt a fierce and unexpected rush of sadness. "I'm . . ." I couldn't apologize. I had to stop apologizing or I'd only make him angry. "I, um . . ." I didn't have anything else to say, though. Nothing sounded right to me.

Jacob kissed my lips again and made me look at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just . . . I should have known better."

He shook his head. "Don't do that, Ness. You're not going to beat yourself up for this. I should have told you what I was doing before I just reached down there. Do you want to keep going, babe?"

Even though I'd been so scared, by whole body was still throbbing. I nodded and lifted my head to kiss him. "Yes, I do."

"Is it okay if I reach down here if I make sure I don't touch you?"

I wanted to scream at myself to just get over it and let him touch me, but I knew it would be useless. I wondered if I'd ever get past that. I would make myself okay with what he wanted, though. I nodded and relaxed to let him continue. He reached down, and I took a deep breath and stared into his eyes as he positioned his erection. Somehow the thought of him touching himself to better please me made a little of the fear go away.

"I love you, Ness."

I combed my fingers through his hair. "I love you, too, Jake."

He pushed into me, but it missed the mark. It still felt good, but not as good as before. "Right there?" he asked.

I licked my lips and shook my head. "A little to the right."

He shifted, and when he pushed in again, I whimpered. "There?"

I nodded. "Oh . . . yes, Jake. Right there."

He kissed me and began to rock himself against the spot. My fingers gripped his hair tightly, and I broke the kiss as my back arched and I cried out.

"Cum for me, baby," he said. His voice was husky in my ear. "I want to watch you come undone."

"Oh, God . . . Jake . . ." I heard my voice, but I couldn't even be sure what I was saying. I was so close to an orgasm. My legs around him began to shake, and my toes began to curl. "Right . . . oh . . . fuck!"

I heard him chuckle in my ear, and it was the last straw. My whole body tightened up for a second, then the release hit. My back arched higher into him, and I cried out with ecstasy. He held his body up with his arm and kept moving until I was spent. I let go of his hair and pushed on his shoulders to get him to stop for a second.

He stopped moving and kissed my lips. "You are so fucking hot, Ness. Watching you cum is sexier than hell."

I smiled lazily and touched his cheek. "I love you, Jake."

He kissed me again. "I love you, too, babe." He pushed against me again, and I gasped as the sensation that flew through me was nearly painful.

"Jake . . . wait."

"You okay?"

I licked my lips and sighed. Dammit . . . I didn't want to make him stop now. I wanted him to be able to orgasm as well. "It just . . . when you did that, it kind of hurt."

"Your body's still sensitive. Is it too much?"

I met his eyes carefully. He didn't look upset. "Yeah. I'm . . ." The look in his eyes stopped me from apologizing. I glanced down. I never wanted him to make me orgasm again if it meant he didn't get one. "Jake, it's okay. Go ahead and do it anyway."

He shook his head and sat up. "No, Ness. I won't hurt you."

"But, Jake—"

"No. I'm fine. I'll take care of it myself."

"Can I help?" I wasn't sure where that came from, and it brought me up short. I considered what I was asking. If he let me, I'd . . . touch him. His erection. I was curious to know what it felt like, and I certainly didn't want him to have to do it all himself after he'd just helped me achieve the most incredible orgasm I'd ever experienced. He looked at me for a few long seconds before he shook his head.

"No. I'll be fine, babe. Be right back."

My stomach bottomed out as I realized he didn't want my help. Didn't men usually want their girlfriend to touch them like that? Wasn't that a part of a sexual relationship? I clenched my jaw and looked down; I wouldn't get upset about it. It wasn't like I let him touch me. My eyes watered as the bathroom door shut. Was that why he wouldn't let me? Because I couldn't let go of whatever made me stop him from doing the same for me? Did he feel this shame and hurt when I stopped him? God, I hoped not. I couldn't bear the thought of him feeling like this every time he tried.

I rolled on to my side and pulled my legs up to my chest as I waited for him to come back to me. I imagined him in there, working to pleasure himself. The thought was both arousing and painful at the same time. I wanted to help him. When he was finished, he got in bed beside me and pulled me up to him. I snuggled into his chest and sniffled.

"Nessie?" I looked up at him. "I love you, baby. Please know that I want you to touch me. I didn't let you because I'm not sure you're ready for that yet. We made huge progress today; let's not push it too far, okay?"

"Shouldn't I say if I'm ready or not?"

He took a deep breath and kissed me. "Do you know what you were asking to do?"

I licked my lips. "Yeah. Kind of. I wanted to help you."

"Yes, but do you what that means?"

I furrowed my brow. "I'm not stupid, Jake. I know what it means to help a man reach an orgasm."

"I never said you were stupid, Nessie. You're really ready to rub my dick and make me cum?"

When he put it like that, it seemed a little scary. I wasn't sure why; maybe it was just the words he used. "I . . . Okay, so I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done it before. Couldn't you teach me, though?" He sighed and rubbed his forehead. I pulled back a little bit. "Or do you not want to teach me? How am I supposed to learn? Should I go to someone else to learn?"

He glared at me with such a dark look that I snapped my mouth shut. "Don't ever say that again, Nessie."

"Well, what do you want me to do? I want to learn. If you don't like how . . . how much I don't know, then why are you even with me?" My eyes had watered again, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

He sat up, pushing me back as he did. I felt so terrible that something that had started out so incredible could end like this. I hated that my inexperience caused us to fight.

"Nessie, listen to me," he said darkly, staring down at the sheet with his hands clenched in fists at his sides. "This has nothing to do with how inexperienced you are. It has everything to do with how much you may or may not be ready for. I realize that I should have let you try, and I'm sorry I didn't. If it makes you feel better, I promise I'll show you next time, if you still want me to. Okay?"

He sounded like he was trying really hard not to get mad. I refused to keep pushing him, so I agreed. "Okay. I love you, Jake." I put my hand on his arm and tried to see his face. He met my eyes, and the look in his made my heart break again. Something I'd said had really hurt him. "Please don't be upset."

He laid back on the bed and pulled me up to him. "Don't ever, _ever_ suggest you do anything with anyone else, Ness. You're mine, and I swear to God I will kill anyone who touches you the way I have."

His arms were so tight around me, but I didn't care. I kissed his chest and nodded. "I swear I won't do it again. I'm sorry I said it. I just thought—"

"You thought wrong, Nessie."

I kissed his neck. "I'm sorry."

He hugged me even tighter and pressed his lips to the top of my head for a long moment. "I know, babe. Me, too. I love you."

"I love you, too. Are you still hungry?"

"A little, yeah. Are you? You didn't eat much."

I kissed his neck again and looked over at the plate. Most of it was still there. "Yeah."

We sat up and put the plate between us as we ate, feeding ourselves this time. Jake got the sodas and opened mine for me. I put it between my legs and watched as he did the same with his. He leaned over and kissed me, then he fed me a grape. I smiled and gave him a strawberry.

"You better not start something unless you intend to finish it, Ness."

I scoffed. "I'm not the one starting it, Mister. You gave me the grape first."

He shrugged. "It's sexier when you feed me."

I raised my eyebrow. "Whatever, Jake. You don't want anything started again; you keep your hands to yourself."

He chuckled and kissed me again. "Yes, ma'am."

When we were finished eating, we put the plate up and played a few games of cards. I still sucked at poker, and he still hated Go Fish. We finally gave up on the cards somewhere around eight o'clock. Jake was a little hungry again, so we stood in the kitchen and snacked on fruit and crackers for a bit, then we went to bed.

* * *

I wished Jake a good day at work the next morning and kissed him goodbye. After he left, I cleaned up what we'd left in the kitchen the night before and searched around for something to do. Everything was clean, and Jake had told me to stay away from the windows during the day. I knew it was just because of my skin, so I didn't push it. I went into the guest room to dust some things and spent a few minutes looking at each of the pictures in there. I kind of wanted the baby picture and the ones of his parents to go out in the living room. I understood why he didn't want the one out there. I wouldn't want baby pictures of myself out in the open like that, either. I didn't move that one, but I did take the other two and arranged them on the bookshelf. I hoped Jake wouldn't be upset with me when he noticed it. I decided I wouldn't tell him; I'd let him find it on his own. He was damn observant, though; he'd probably catch it in the first five minutes after he got home. Oh, well.

I dug out my book and read for a few minutes before I realized everything was too quiet. I glanced at the cabinet under the entertainment center. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to put anything in. I still couldn't decide if I actually liked the music Jake had played for me the day before, and I didn't want to listen to the CDs my dad had. I decided I'd just put in music I didn't know and see if I liked it or not. I put my book up and started to dig through the cases of CDs.

I picked out five CDs from artists I'd never heard of and put them all in the player. I turned everything on and hit random. I almost expected all of the music to be as harsh as the Metallica Jake had played, but I was surprised when the song that started was very mellow. I checked the disc number and the booklets I'd laid out to correspond with them. "Enya," I said to myself. I had to remember that; I liked it. I was a little surprised that Jake did, too. Then again, he also had Don Henley.

As the music played, I looked over the booklet. The girl on the cover was very pretty, and I wondered if that was the artist. When the music changed, I glanced at the other booklets and wondered what would come on next. I was almost shocked by the music that played; it was the polar opposite of the calm, relaxing song before it. I checked the disc and the booklet. "Rammstein?" I wasn't sure if I was pronouncing it right. I didn't understand a word of the lyrics, and I realized it wasn't even in English. Why would Jake want something he couldn't understand? Unless he spoke another language and had somehow forgotten to mention it to me. The thought of Jacob speaking like the man on the song was somehow incredibly arousing.

I still didn't like the music, though. I hit the skip button and moved on to the next song. It wasn't has harsh or as easy as either of the other two; it was different. It was definitely rock 'n' roll, though. "Led Zeppelin," I said, laughing at the name. "Where to bands come up with their names?" I wondered to myself. I didn't hate it, so I decided it could stay. The next song was relaxing like the first had been, but it was a different artist. "Loreena McKinnit." I raised my eyebrow. "Odd name." I had to laugh then; she had an odd name? I was lucky my name wasn't out there to be made fun of by random strangers. I liked the sort of Irish feel the music as well as the woman's accent when she sang.

The final CD that came on was another harsh one. I furrowed my brow and looked at the booklet. It was even worse than the one that wasn't English. "Disturbed?" Why had I picked this one again? The name certainly fit the music. I pushed the stop button and changed the two I didn't like, putting in two other CD's I'd never heard of before. The first one stayed. It was similar to the Zeppelin one, but different in a unique way. "Styx," I said to myself. I liked it. The second one I had to argue with myself over. I kind of liked it, but it was another hard one called Seether. It wasn't as bad as the others had been, though. I decided I'd let it stay for a while and see if it grew on me.

With all five discs filled and the player on random, I decided to let it play how it wanted and figure out something to make for dinner that night. After I picked out a few selections from my mother's cookbook, I spent the day listening to the music I'd put in. I sat on the couch for about two hours, just listening. I actually found myself enjoying the different styles, even the harder one. I wondered if someday I might like the really hard music that Jacob seemed to like.

By the time Jacob got home, I had decided on one of the recipe's I'd picked out and started getting things ready for it. Throughout the day, I'd noticed that I responded differently to each kind of music. The calm and relaxing ones made me want to sit on the couch, close my eyes, and just listen, where the more upbeat ones made me want to get up and do stuff. I'd laughed at myself when I tried to dance to one of the songs by Seether. I'd stick to just dancing with Jacob when he wanted to.

I was in the kitchen when Jake came in. I'd turned the music up, and I didn't hear him until he spoke.

"You look sexy swinging your hips like that."

I gasped and turned to him. "Oh, you scared me!"

He chuckled and came up to kiss me. "I'm sorry, baby."

"It's okay." I hugged him. "Welcome home."

"Thanks, babe. What are you doing?" He looked over the counter at all the stuff I'd gotten together.

"Getting ready to make dinner. You want to help?"

He met my eyes and smiled. "What are you going to make? And are you going to dance some more doing it? Because if you are, then I'd rather stand back and just watch."

I blushed and shook my head. "I wasn't dancing."

"Yes, you were. Your hips were swinging back and forth. That's dancing."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Then I guess I might dance a little."

He chuckled. "I love you. I'm going to take a shower, then I'll help. What are you making?"

"Spaghetti. I'm using my mom's recipe, though, with zucchini and stuff." I pointed to the vegetables sitting out on the counter.

"Mm, sounds good. I'll be right back." He kissed me again and left.

While he was gone, I cut up the vegetables and started to cook the meat. I was a little bit nervous. Jacob had been there to guide me almost every time we'd cooked together. By the time he got back, I was sure I was doing something wrong.

"Why is it doing this?" I asked Jake when he walked in.

"Doing what?" He came up behind me and put his hands on my hips.

"This. It's burning, but it's still uncooked in the middle."

He kissed my head. "Check the temperature, Ness. You want to cook hamburger on medium, not high."

I reached out and turned down the heat, a little embarrassed that I'd forgotten to check that. "Oops."

He leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Don't worry about it, babe. What do I need to do to help?"

"Um, the vegetables need to be sautéed, and the noodles need to be done."

He suggested we do the vegetables last so they didn't get overcooked and started on the pasta. As we cooked side by side, a new song came on. Jacob hummed excitedly, as if he hadn't expected this one to be there.

"I love this song," he said happily. "Haven't heard it in a while."

I liked the sound, and it wasn't one that had played yet. "What's it called?"

"It's 'Black Dog' by Led Zeppelin." He moved behind me and put his hands on my hips, pulling me back against him. He bent down and sang some of the lyrics in my ear. "Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way, watch your honey drip, can't keep away." His voice was deeper than the lead singer's, but he got the tune perfect. He pulled away from to dance around the kitchen, and I couldn't get my smile to go away as I watched him.

"What are you doing?"

He stopped. "Don't tell me you've never seen anyone do air guitar before?"

"Air what?"

He chuckled. "Air guitar. It's what cool dudes do when we want to pretend we're not losers and play along with the band."

I laughed out loud and shook my head. "You're silly, Jacob."

He nodded. "Yep." He started to move again, and I couldn't help but laugh at the way he looked. Now that he'd explained it, I could see how it looked like he was playing a guitar. As I watched him, I decided he would look really good holding a real one.

I stirred the pasta for him since he seemed otherwise occupied. He came back to the stove and kissed me, and I loved the smile on his face. "The meat done yet?" he asked.

I checked it again and nodded. "Yeah. I probably should have started the pasta first, huh?"

He smiled. "Yes, but that's okay. Let me drain this, and we'll get the sauce started. What all do we need to do for it?"

I went to the cookbook and read the directions aloud as Jake finished with the hamburger. I was in charge of putting everything in the pan with the meat, and he did the heating and cooking. When everything was finally done, we got our plates and went to the table.

"How was your day," I asked as we ate.

"Not bad."

I didn't like it when he answered in one- or two-word sentences. It usually meant something bad happened, regardless of what those words were. "Did something happen with Jack?"

He shook his head. "No. He's actually kept his distance."

"Did something happen with someone else?" I prodded.

He smirked. "You can see right through me, can't you? Nothing bad happened, babe. Just one of our guys hurt himself today. He'll be fine, it wasn't anything serious. It just sucks when it happens."

"How did he hurt himself?" And was it something that could happen to Jake?

"Just being a dumbass with the nail gun. Got himself in the foot."

I cringed. "Ouch. Have you ever done that?"

He chuckled. "No, I'm not that big of an idiot. I respect the damn tools." I nodded, thankful that he was at least safe from that tool. "How was your day, baby?"

"It wasn't bad. I went through more of your music, as you've been hearing. You have some strange CD's."

He chuckled. "Found some more you didn't like?" I nodded. "Which ones?"

"One of them I couldn't pronounce, but the other was Disturbed."

"Wow. You put in Disturbed? I can see why you don't like it if you thought Metallica was too hard. What did the other one sound like?"

"I didn't know they were like that. But yeah. The other one started with an 'R', and it was in a different language. Do you speak another language, by the way?"

He raised an eyebrow. "No, I don't. I took German in high school, but I never went far with it."

I furrowed my brow. "Why do you listen to something you can't understand, then?"

"Was it Rammstein?"

That seemed to match the name I saw. "Yes, I think so."

"If it was, I do understand them. I might not speak the language, but I've looked up all the translations. They're a sick, sick band. I really doubt you'd like them even if you knew what they were saying." He shook his head.

"Why do you like them, then?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I got into them a few years ago mostly because of the German thing. I don't like all of their songs, but a few of them are good. Maybe I'll play a few of my favorites and see if you like it."

The CD changed again to the Seether band, and Jacob chuckled. "What?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Nothing. I just think it's funny that you liked this but not Metallica."

"Well, I did kind of like that one song you played." He nodded, giving me that one. "So can you say anything in German?"

He chuckled. "I know enough to get myself in trouble."

I was intrigued. "Like what?" He shook his head. "Oh, please? Just say one thing?"

He sighed. "Okay. Let me think." We ate for a few minutes while he decided on what to say. Finally, he smiled. "_Hurensohn_."

I raised my eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"It means 'son of a bitch.'"

I nodded. "What else do you know?"

"_Arschloch_ is 'asshole'. Then there's the ever popular _fick dich_. Means fuck you."

He wasn't lying when he said he knew enough to get himself in trouble. I didn't want to admit how much I liked hearing him speak like that. He sounded almost identical to the man that had been on the CD. "Do you know anything that wouldn't cause a bar fight?"

"Sure. _Ich liebe dich_."

"And it means?" I prodded.

"Goes well with _ich will dich ficken_." He chuckled.

"You have to tell me what you just said."

He shook his head. "I could make you wonder."

"That's not fair, Jake. I could just look it up online, you know."

He laughed again. "You could, if you could remember what I just said."

I tried my hand. "You said, _ich will dich ficken_." My accent was terrible and caused another chuckle from him.

"Do you, now?"

Something in the way he said that made me realize I'd probably said something extremely vulgar. "What did I just say?"

"You just told me you want to fuck me."

"Jacob! You tricked me into saying that, didn't you?"

He shook his head. "Honestly, I didn't. I didn't think you'd be able to remember the right words. I'm glad you did, though." He raised his eyebrows. I blushed, but I couldn't let go of my smile.

"What was the other one you said? _Ich liebe dich_?"

"Me, too, babe. Means 'I love you.'"

"Aw, Jake, now that's sweet." Then I remembered the other part of what he'd said. "What do you mean it goes well with 'I want to fuck you'?"

He shrugged. "What? It does. I love you, and I want to fuck you. It fits."

I raised my eyebrow. "I'm sure. Are you finished eating?" His plate was clean, but he'd been known to have seconds.

"Yeah, babe. You're not upset, are you?"

I smiled to ease his anxiety and kissed him when I stood up. "No, I'm not upset. I should have expected that from you."

He stopped me from taking his plate and stood up beside me. "Good. Let me help, Ness."

I gave in, and we put the leftovers and washed the dishes together, then Jake took me back to the living room. I raised my eyebrow as he pulled me close to the entertainment center.

"Dance with me?"

I took my hand from his and shook my head. "I can't dance, Jake. I really can't."

"I don't believe that for a second. Come on; consider this me asking you on a date. We had dinner, now we're going dancing."

"I'm not dressed to go dancing."

He looked down at himself, making an obvious gesture to his bare chest and sweat pants. "And I am?" He met my eyes again. "At least you're fully dressed, babe. Of course, you could fix that." I blushed and shook my head. "Okay. That's all right. Just come on."

I laughed and reluctantly gave in. Kind of. "Okay, but I'm only giving you two songs."

He sighed. "I need to change the music, then. And give me three. If you're not having a good time after that, you can stop. If you are, then I get as many as we can fit in before we're too tired to do it anymore."

I guess that worked. "You have a deal."

He sat down on the floor to get out the CD's and look through them. "How did your dad feel about country music?"

"I, um . . . he didn't like it. Why?"

He shook his head. "Just want to make sure I don't get something that'll hurt you, babe."

My heart melted, and I decided I'd dance with him however long he wanted, regardless of how I felt after three songs.

"What about classical?"

"Depends. He used to listen to . . . Um . . ." as I remembered Moonlight Sonata playing in the background, the crushing in my chest began to reappear.

"I'll just stay away from it to be safe." He put a CD back and chose something different. I was almost surprised by how quickly the pain retreated, and I was able to focus on Jake again.

"You have classical music?" How had I missed that when I looked through his cases?

"Some. I have a mix my dad gave to me when I was younger that has a few different composers on it."

I nodded. After he picked out the CD's he wanted, he put them all in and spent a few more minutes pushing buttons. "What are you doing?" I asked. I crouched down next to him to see better.

He kissed my cheek. "Programming. If I only get three songs to impress you, I need specific songs."

I didn't bother telling him what I'd decided; I wanted to see what he came up with. He finished programming and stood up with me. He pushed the play button and pulled me up close to him.

"Starting things off tonight slow and easy with a little Savage Garden," he said, his voice low like an announcer's voice would be. "Here is 'Truly, Madly, Deeply.' Hmm . . . That's how I love you."

I smiled and lifted my arms up to his shoulders. "I love you like that, too."

He dipped his head and kissed me as he began to move. I got a little bit nervous, entirely unsure of how to do this the right way. "Just relax, babe. Trust me to lead you, okay?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."

It got a little bit easier as the song went on. Of course, that could have had a great deal to do with the way he was singing along with the lyrics as he stared into my eyes, making it obvious that he meant the words. Nothing else seemed to matter when I was so close to him like this. Who cared if I looked like an idiot compared to him. It was only us in this living room, anyway. When the song was over, he leaned down and kissed me, slow and deep.

"I love you, baby."

I scratched his jaw. "I love you, too." He smiled when the next song started. It was a little faster than the first one had been. "What's this?"

"This would be Josh Turner. Famous among the ladies for his deep voice and sensual lyrics." He raised his eyebrows. "The song is 'Would You Go with Me.'"

I tried to act impressed, but really I had no idea who he was talking about. I did like the man's voice, though. It was a little deeper than Jake's sometimes, but I was pretty sure he could do that if he wanted to. I looked up at him and tried to hide my smile.

"What?" he asked as he dipped me a little. I grabbed his arms tightly, but he reassured me and lifted me back up quickly.

"I was just thinking that you should . . . you know . . . sing along again."

He chuckled. "You just want to hear me go all low and sexy like that."

"Maybe." My smile was both amused and embarrassed.

He nodded. There was a little intermission in the music, and I tried to let myself go and just move with him the way he was leading me. He waited for the right time to pull me close and dip his head to sing in my ear. "Oh, if I set you free, would you go with me?"

I shivered, and my whole body started to throb from the sound of his voice and his breath on me. He continued to sing along and finished out the song, and when it was over, my heart hurt with how much I loved him. He kissed me again and pulled back.

"So would you?"

I laughed. "I'd go with you anywhere, Jake. You should know that by now."

"Well, you should know I don't want to be anywhere unless you're there."

I smirked. He was really laying the charm on thick tonight.

The third song surprised me. I had expected another sort of soft one that we could dance close together to. When the music started, I looked at Jake curiously. He chuckled and began to move. I blushed; there was no way I could do what he did.

"Come on, babe. This is Aerosmith. You can't have a good dance party without this." He took my hand and pulled me up close to him.

"If you say so. What's the name of the song?"

"'Shut Up and Dance.'"

I pulled away from him. "Excuse me?"

He laughed and shook his head. "No, babe. That's the name of the song."

"Oh." I felt silly for reacting like that.

"Just do what I do, Ness."

I tried, but I ended up laughing at myself. "I feel stupid."

"Really? You look hot as hell."

I looked up and met his eyes. "I do?"

He nodded. "Yes, you do. Move your hips more for me, babe."

He put his hands on my hips and helped. It felt ridiculous, but I kept my eyes on his. They helped remind me that he did actually think I was sexy. By the time the song was over, we were both laughing.

"What do you think, Ness? Having fun?"

Even if I hadn't already told myself I'd dance with him tonight, I had to admit that I was actually having fun. "Yes, I am. You've convinced me."

He kissed me. "Good. Then I'll just put this on random, and we can keep going."

He did what he needed to do, then took my hands. There was a pause of about two seconds where the player decided on something, then there was a loud howl. Jacob smiled hugely and howled along with it.

"What is this?"

"Little Red Riding Hood, of course. You being Miss Hood, and me being the Big Bad Wolf."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course. Who would ever suspect little old me of being the monster?" I was surprised at how much bitterness there was in my voice. I hadn't intended for it to come out like that.

Jacob took my hands and pulled me close to him, no longer dancing. "Nessie? Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

He raised an eyebrow, and I realized I'd apologized again. He didn't say anything about it, though. "I love you, baby."

I stepped close and laid my head on his chest. "I love you, too."

He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly as he just rocked back and forth. It was a strange way to dance to such an up-beat song, but I didn't argue with him. I couldn't even explain what this strange sadness in my chest was or where it came from, but I didn't like it. I wrapped my arms around his waist and tried to make it go away.

I finally succeeded two songs later. We managed to resurrect the happy, fun mood from earlier and danced together until ten o'clock when I started to get so tired I was tripping over my own feet. Jacob turned everything off, and we went to bed.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I know. I probably made a lot of eyes roll with the Little Red Riding Hood song and the Shut Up and Dance bit. I couldn't help myself, lol.

I did get a few responses to my question about music, and almost everyone wanted at least the specific name of band/song for the important pieces. I hope I made it bearable and understandable. I am not sure if I will be putting all these songs on the playlist. I might do a separate one for their date nights. We'll see.

For those of you who are interested, I have posted the first oneshot in a series of Jake/Leah outtakes from pre-GMAS. The series is called Simple Design, and you can access it from my profile :) Be warned that while it is GMAS Jake, it's long before he met Nessie, and he was an asshole back then.

Thanks for reading! I'm on Twitter; SheeWolf85


	35. Awake and Alive

A/N: A warning to any readers who are not dirty h00rs: Leah will be Leah. If you are not partial to talk about pubic hair or men's preferences regarding it, please read carefully. This chapter involves a lot of it.

I really hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid I have to bring this up again. For the majority of my readers who are super awesome and patient and understand that Nessie is doing her best, please disregard this. Based on a few reviews and PMs regarding Nessie's pace, I have a feeling there will be mixed feelings about the next few chapters. Yes, they will *eventually* have sex. No, Nessie will not cocktease Jake to death. *rolls eyes* To best express what needs to be said, I will post what I wrote to one of my awesome reviewers a few chapters ago:

_I understand that Nessie's self-consciousness is annoying to some people. After all of Jake's assurances and so much time with him and whatever, she should be able to walk around the house naked and *be* with him every night, right?_

_Not with PTSD. She's not capable, at this point, to move past anything without help. Yes, she'll get that help, and yes, Jacob is doing wonders for her without even knowing it. If he hadn't started making her talk to him, and if he wasn't constantly there to push her boundaries, she'd be just as shy and self-conscious as she was when they first met. But, therapy is a ways away. Why? Because it's not possible to get into a *good* therapist within a few days unless you were hospitalized first. Even then, the wait can be up to a whole week. As the writer, I want this story to be as realistic as it can be because I am dealing with very real issues, and it would be wrong of me to pretend that PTSD or bipolar disorder were simple to manage and/or cure._

I will end my rant there. Thank you to every one of you who have been so patient and understanding. And for recognizing both the major and the minor steps they've been taking in the bedroom, of which you will see the set up for another in this chapter :)

One more note about the song used for this chapter. I had a hell of a time picking one, and nothing I found fits. I really like the one I chose, but I'm still not sure it fits this chapter. Mostly it just fits how Ness feels about Jake. Good enough, right? Thank you to SwiftMusicQueen for recommending it :)

With that, enjoy! It's not mine.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Four

Awake and Alive

_I can feel you in my sleep  
In your arms, I feel you breathe into me  
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you  
Forever I will live for you _

-Awake and Alive – Skillet

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

"Are you excited for the spa trip tomorrow?" Jake asked me Friday night as we ate dinner.

I smiled. "Yes, I think so."

He raised an eyebrow. "You think so? Aren't girls usually jumping up and down for this kind of thing?"

I huffed in amusement, thinking of Leah jumping around excitedly. She didn't strike me as that type of woman. "I guess. I am excited, don't get me wrong. It's just . . ." I hesitated, not sure how to say what I was feeling.

He frowned and scooted his chair closer to me. "Just what, Ness? Do you not want to go? You know you don't have to."

"No, I know, Jake. I do want to go, I promise. It's just that Leah can be very . . . blunt. Sometimes I don't know how to take some of the things she says." I shrugged.

Jake nodded and put his hand over mine on the table. "I talked to her about that today, Ness. She said she won't do anything embarrassing or put you through anything more than you can handle."

I smiled again. "Thank you."

He leaned forward and kissed my lips. "You're welcome."

When we finished dinner, Jacob and I washed the dishes and got everything put away. "What should we do now?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Whatever you'd like to do."

I scrunched my nose. "We always do what I want to do. Why don't you pick something?"

He kissed me. "Because I made you dance with me last night. If you insist, I'll choose we watch a movie or something."

I liked that choice anyway. "That sounds good. What movie?"

He thought about that for a second. "Why not _Lord of the Rings_?"

I remember he'd mentioned something about that when we'd played Twenty Questions. It also reminded me that he'd never finished asking me the questions, and I'd never gotten to ask mine. I figured we could do that after the movie. "Okay."

I made some popcorn while he got the movie set up, then I snuggled close to him on the couch. The movie actually turned out to be really good, and he told me how there was a story that came before the series called The Hobbit about Bilbo Baggins.

"Didn't they make that movie, too?" I asked. It seemed strange to leave out the beginning of the story.

He shook his head. "No; it just starts there. Not too bad, though."

"No, I really liked it. Who plays the lead person? Um . . . Frodo?" I couldn't help but laugh a little at the name.

Jacob smirked. "Elijah Wood."

I nodded. "He's kind of cute."

He laughed. "I knew you were going to say that. Got a thing for Hobbits, huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, yes. I like short, hairy people. That's why I fell in love with you, a very tall, hairy person."

He pulled me onto his lap. "I knew it. What would you like to do now?" His eyes told me what he wanted to do. I wanted to make out, too, but at the same time, I wanted to spend some time just talking to him.

"Do remember a while ago we played Twenty Questions?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I think I only got to seventeen or so before you refused to answer me." He smiled.

"Well, you asked tough questions." I tried to sound confident in my defense.

"Mm-hmm. Do you want to do that again?" He held me a little tighter, and I nodded. "Okay. Should I ask you three more, or do you want to start?"

"Go ahead and ask me three more." I slipped my arms around his neck and leaned in to rest my head on his shoulder.

"Still no embarrassing questions?" He looked down at me. I shook my head and smiled. He kissed my forehead. "Okay. Let's see . . . Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?"

"Yes, once. My grandpa's friend had one, and one time when we visited, he took me for a ride."

Jacob nodded. "I'd like to get you on one now." He smirked and kissed me. "When was the last time you went swimming?" I sat up a little and thought about my answer, trying to remember swimming without remembering something that would make me cry. As I remembered my fourteenth birthday with my dad, my eyes began to water. I looked at Jake apologetically, and he seemed to understand. "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

I tried to smile as I wiped my eyes. "Somewhere with as little sun as possible. Before I met you, I had thought about someday moving to Seattle." I couldn't even think about going anywhere without him now.

He squeezed his arms around me and kissed my lips again. "If you could spend a day in the sun without getting hurt, what would you want to do?" He rubbed my back as he waited for me to answer.

When I was young, I used to imagine all kinds of things I could do if I wasn't allergic to the sun. "I'd want to go horseback riding, tan on a beach somewhere under one of those umbrella things they always show in movies, grow a garden, and roll around on the warm grass for a few hours."

"That sounds nice, babe. Someday, I'm going to find a way to let you do at least one of those things. Which one do you want to do the most?" I licked my lips and looked down. "And remember I said which one do you _want_ the most, not which one do you think I can pull off."

I smiled. "Honestly, I want to grow a garden. I love flowers."

He smirked. "Of course you do."

I leaned back. "I do! When you have the right ones, Jake, they're so beautiful and can make anything seem better."

"Okay, okay; I'm not going to argue with you about that. They're still weeds, but okay. It's your turn to ask me your questions."

I shook my head with a smile and tried to think of something to ask him. I went over the questions I remembered him asking me when we'd played before and thought I'd start off easy for him, too. "Okay. How about . . . apple juice or orange juice?"

He smirked again. "Orange juice."

I nodded. "Ninjas or pirates?"

"Ninjas. You're right; they're cooler."

I laughed. "Sweet or salty?"

"Salty." He kissed me under my ear, licking just a little. I gasped and pulled away with a giggle. "So tasty."

I blushed. "Black or white?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?" I just nodded. "Black, of course."

"Why don't you own any white shirts?"

"Because I've had them in the past, and they always end up stained with something. It's just easier to get different colors."

I nodded again. "Okay. Red or blue?"

He touched my hair as he answered. "Definitely red."

I couldn't help but blush again. "What's your favorite animal?"

He pursed his lips, thinking about his answer. "I guess I'd have to say timber wolves. They're pretty."

"They're very pretty. Do you believe in ghosts?"

He smiled. "That depends. Are you asking if I believe in an afterlife, or are you asking if I believe in haunted houses and possessions?"

I wasn't sure what I was asking. "An afterlife, I guess."

He nodded. "Yes, I do. I don't believe in the other crap, though."

"Okay. What about aliens?"

"I've been abducted before . . ." he raised his eyebrow.

I sat back, shocked. "What?"

He laughed. "I'm joking, babe. No, I don't believe in aliens."

I gave him a look before I moved on. "Do you have a celebrity crush?"

"Salma Hayek. She's fucking hot."

I raised my eyebrow. "Who?"

"Salma Hayek. She's been in a few movies, but have you ever seen _From Dawn Till Dusk_?

I shook my head. "What kind of movie is that?"

"It's a crappy vampire movie, but she has this part in it where she dances with a snake. I'll show you sometime, because it's one of the sexiest moments in movie history." He rubbed my back.

"Only a man would think dancing with a snake is sexy." I kissed him, and he laughed. "Have you ever wanted to get a tattoo or a piercing?"

"Yeah, I have. When I was seventeen, I wanted to get a tattoo of a snake going up my arm. I didn't have the money, though, and my dad wouldn't lend it to me. By the time I'd saved up enough, I didn't want one anymore."

I tried to imagine what he would look like with a tattoo like that. "A snake? That wouldn't have anything to do with that movie, would it?"

"No, actually it didn't. I just thought it would be cool." He shrugged.

I smiled. "You were a strange kid, Jake. Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Chocolate. Preferably dripped on you." He raised his eyebrows, and I blushed.

I licked my lips and kept going. "Batman or Superman?"

"Batman."

"Really? Why? He doesn't have any cool superpowers."

He nodded. "I know. But he's got Cat Woman. Much, much sexier than Wonder Woman."

I couldn't help but shake my head. Men. "Aragorn or Legolas?" Now that I'd seen the film, I could say I liked Aragorn better. He was conflicted and sexy.

"Aragorn."

I raised an eyebrow. I knew he couldn't like that character for the same reason I did. "Why?"

He shrugged again. "He's just a better character all around. And he's cooler. And, on top of all that, he's a king. Which one do you like better now that you know who you're choosing from?"

"The same. I think he's cute, too."

Jake chuckled. "Okay."

"Vampires or werewolves?"

He kissed my lips. "Werewolves."

I liked that we both liked so much of the same stuff, but had a few differences to keep things exciting. I remembered that this was the point where he started getting into the tough questions. "What are you most afraid of?"

He furrowed his brow. "Losing my temper around you."

For some reason, I thought that was sweet. I kissed him. "What makes you most happy?"

"Seeing you smile." He didn't seem even the slightest bit embarrassed to say that. Then again, I wasn't sure why I thought he would have been. I smiled just because, and he kissed me again in return. I had three questions left.

"Have you ever been on a motorcycle?" I could just imagine him on one. He'd look very nice.

"A few times, yes. Leah's sort-of brother Seth has one, and he's let me take it for a spin. It's pretty nice. Maybe someday I can convince him to let me take you for a night ride." He kissed my head.

"That would be sweet. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you want to live?"

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me, as long as you're there with me."

I rolled my eyes. "That's not an answer, Jake."

He chuckled. "Okay. Somewhere in Russia."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why Russia?"

"I don't know. I just like the name."

I laughed. "Okay. One more question . . ." I couldn't ask him the same thing he'd asked me since he wasn't allergic to the sun. I wasn't sure what to say. There was something I'd been curious about for a while, but wasn't sure if it was okay to bring it up. Or, rather, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer. I knew he'd been with Leah sexually, and I also knew she wasn't the only person he'd ever been with like that. I decided if he could ask me why I didn't want to move in with him while playing the game, I could ask about his sexual history. I cleared my throat, met his eyes briefly, then opened my mouth. "How many, um . . . how many women have you slept with?"

His brow furrowed, and his mouth turned down in a frown. He was silent for a few minutes. "Do you really want to know?"

His question made me realize that it was probably a lot more than I anticipated. I'd asked, though, and I was honestly curious. I licked my lips and nodded. "Yes."

He took a deep breath. "Are you sure you don't want to ask me something else?"

I wondered why he didn't want me to know. It couldn't be that bad. I almost smiled as I imagined him telling me he'd been with over fifty women. That would be something. "No, I want to know."

He sighed and kissed my lips. "Okay." He hesitated another few seconds before he finally answered me. "I've been with eight women."

My eyes widened. "Eight?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"Wow." Even though it was nowhere near the number I'd thought jokingly, I was still surprised. I couldn't even stop the rush of jealousy that pushed on my chest. Was it jealousy or sadness? I couldn't even tell. I did know that I suddenly felt extremely inadequate. I put my head on Jacob's shoulder and wondered silently why he wanted me when it was pretty damn obvious he could have anyone he wanted a lot faster than me.

"Ness?" He held me gently and ran his fingers through my hair. I hummed but didn't look up. "I love you. You know that, right?"

I nodded. "I know." I didn't understand it, though.

He made me look up at him and stared into my eyes for a moment. "This is why I didn't want to tell you, baby. I knew you'd go all depressed on me again. I love you, I only want you, and I'll be here waiting for you until you're damn good and ready to have sex."

I sighed. "But—"

He shook his head, interrupting me. "No. No buts. You promised me before you moved in that you wanted me and you wouldn't pull this 'not good enough' bullshit anymore. You asked and I answered; that's all there is to it."

I nodded again and kissed his lips. I would do my very best to believe that again for him. I took a deep breath. "I love you."

"I know, Ness. You just need to learn to trust me." He kissed my forehead.

"I do trust you, though."

"I know you trust me physically, baby, but you need to trust me with your heart, too. I'm not going to hurt you." His arms held me tighter, and I rested against his shoulder. I wanted to tell him it was ridiculous to think he'd hurt me, but I knew he wasn't talking about physical pain. Was I really as confident that he wouldn't hurt me emotionally?

We stayed on the couch just silently holding each other for a while until we were both ready for bed. I snuggled up close to him under the covers and kissed his neck.

"Goodnight, Jake."

"Night, baby. Love you."

I smiled. "I love you, too."

* * *

"Does this look okay?" I asked Jake as I walked into the living room. I was trying to get ready for a day at the spa with Leah, but I had absolutely no idea what to wear.

Jake looked me over and nodded. "You look nice."

I raised an eyebrow. I wasn't sure how a plain gray t-shirt and blue jeans looked all that nice, but I wasn't going to question that. Any time I tried, he always came back with something lame like, "You'd look good in a garbage bag." I was almost beginning to wonder if he hadn't read some of my sappy romance novels. Instead of questioning whether it really looked nice or not, I tried a different tactic.

"Is it okay to wear at the spa?"

He nodded again. "You'll be taking it off anyway, babe."

Nobody had said anything about undressing. "What?"

He looked up again, obviously caught off-guard by my surprised tone. "You've never been to a spa?"

I shook my head. "Have you?"

He smirked. "No. But I know what goes on there thanks to Leah. You'll get a massage, probably a wax or something if you want it, and I think they do something with your hair."

"Wax, as in hair removal?" I shaved. There was no need for waxing anywhere . . . I didn't think. Unless Leah intended on having some kind of bikini wax done. Oh, I was in way over my head already. How could I let a stranger touch me there when I couldn't even let Jake?

He got up and came over to me. "Are you okay, baby?"

"I don't know what to do, Jake. I'm going to end up embarrassing the shit out of myself, I can just feel it."

He made me look at him. "Listen to me, Ness. Leah won't let that happen. You know she's loud and obnoxious and really damn good at making a scene, but she's also very protective of you. She'll be there with you and tell you what to do, okay?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."

"Now, you look fine, baby. You don't need to dress up for this. Are you doing okay?" He rubbed my arms lightly.

I nodded again. "I think so."

"Okay. Leah's going to be here in about fifteen minutes. Why don't you come relax for a minute?" He tried to pull me with him to the couch. I gave in and sat next to him. "I'm gonna miss you today, babe."

I looked up at him and realized this would be the first day since I moved in with him that we actually spent away from each other when he didn't have to work. I also realized I was going to miss him, too. I leaned up and kissed him. "Me, too. I love you."

"I love you, too, baby."

"Do you think Leah would take me by the library? I have some books I need to return."

He leaned back and looked down at me. "I'm sure she would. You could have asked me, though; I would have taken you."

I nodded. "I know; I just never thought about it when you were here." It seemed as soon as he walked in the door, my entire focus was on him.

"Okay. Yeah, you can ask her, babe."

I snuggled close to him for a while until we heard Leah pull up. I looked up at him, and he smiled as he got up. I went to grab my books while he let her in. When I came back with them, she was just stepping in and pushed her sunglasses up to the top of her head. I was relieved to see her dressed like me in jeans and a t-shirt.

"Hey, guys." She smiled hugely and hugged Jake then me. "You ready for some fun?"

I licked my lips and nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

"Planning on reading while you're massaged?" she asked, gesturing to the books I had.

"Oh . . . Um, no. I was actually wondering if we could go by the library so I could drop these off."

"Sure." She put her arm around me and smiled up at Jake. "We'll be back in a few hours."

He nodded but didn't let us leave yet. "Take care of her, Leah. Remember she can't be in the sun for very long."

She patted my arm. "I got her, Jake." She looked at me. "We'll be just fine, won't we?" I nodded again, but I was still a little wary.

Jake stepped up to me and kissed my lips. "I love you. Have fun. Don't feel bad about telling Leah to back the fuck off, okay?"

I wasn't sure I could say that to her, but I nodded anyway. "Okay. I love you, too. Have a good day, too?"

He smiled and kissed me again. "I'll do my best."

"Okay, lovebirds, we need to go or we'll be late. Be back later." Leah tugged on me a little, and I went with her. Jake managed to kiss me one more time before the door shut, and I smiled to myself as I got into the truck. "All right. First things first, Ness," Leah said as she got in the driver's seat. I tried not to get nervous. "I don't want to hear one word about prices, okay? If it makes you feel any better, I'm not paying for this trip. Sam and my dad are."

I licked my lips. "Okay. Where are we going?"

"We're going to the Red Door Spa. I've been there once before; it's pretty nice. Thank you for coming with me, by the way."

I nodded, but I couldn't get over how strange it was to be in this truck with her like this. "Thank you for bringing me. I take it nobody else wanted to go with you?"

She smiled. "Well, I don't have a lot of girlfriends. I'm more comfortable around guys. The ones that I do have, though, I don't know well enough to do something like this or shopping with."

"Oh." I kind of liked the thought of her feeling comfortable enough with me to do these kinds of things. I didn't expect them to happen often; obviously this was a special occasion kind of thing.

We stopped by the library, and I just ran in quickly to take care of my fine. It was lower than I'd expected, so I paid it and ran back out to the truck. When we got to the spa, Leah led the way in and talked to the lady at the desk. She handed us some papers, and I just looked over at Leah for instruction. She smiled at me and filled out her form there at the desk, so I did the same thing. I wasn't sure what to put down for allergies, so I just put UV rays. After I wrote it, I wanted to erase it. Leah was almost done with hers, though, and I'd used a pen, so I just hurried and got done with as quickly as I could. The lady gave me a strange look when she took the paper from me, and I tried not to look embarrassed.

"Now we go change," Leah said. The lady led us to a room of lockers and showed us each which one was ours. They both had a white robe and some slippers inside. There weren't any actual changing rooms, and I was a little unnerved when Leah just started to strip. She left her bra and panties on, though, and slipped into the robe, then she took her underwear off. "You need to get changed, Ness. Otherwise they can't give you the massage."

I licked my lips and hesitantly started to take my shirt off. I think she understood, though, because she turned around to give me at least a little privacy while I undressed. I did the same thing she had done, but I left my panties on. I couldn't even think about strutting around strangers with nothing but the robe.

"I'm done," I said as I put my clothes in the locker.

Leah turned back around and smiled at me. "Good. Now we got chat in the meditation room until it's time for our massages. It'll be about fifteen minutes."

That actually sounded nice. I went with her to the room and sat down on a bench next to her. I stared down at my feet in the little white slippers and smiled. "This is fun."

She nodded. "So, basically what we're getting is the "From Here to Eternity" package. We both get massages, manicures, pedicures, and lunch. I'm also going to get a wax. I wasn't sure if you wanted one or not, so I didn't get one for you. I'm sure I can sweet-talk them into it, though."

"Um . . . what kind of wax?"

She shrugged. "They have all kinds. I kind of thought Jake should get the full face wax." She laughed.

"What? No. He looks so nice with a beard." I lifted my legs out in front of me and stared at my pale ankles.

"Yeah, I know he does. But he hates it."

I looked at her and raised my eyebrow. "Why did he do it then, if he hates it?" That didn't make sense to me.

"Because you asked him to." She didn't look at me as she said it. It surprised me, though. Why would he do that just for me if he didn't like it?

I didn't even have to ask; I knew it was because he loved me. I wished he would have told me that he didn't like having facial hair. He might look really damn good with it, but it was more important to me that he be happy and comfortable.

Leah leaned back and crossed her legs. "Anyway, you could just get your legs done if you wanted, or they also Brazilian or bikini waxes you can get."

I licked my lips. "What's the difference?" I knew they were both for removing pubic hair, but I had no idea which meant what.

"Well, you can get a couple different types of Brazilian. Generally, that's the one that removes all of your hair, though. Kind of like a porn star wax." I couldn't help but smile at the nickname. "A bikini wax generally just removes the hair you see outside of your panty lines."

I nodded. "Which one are you getting?"

"I'm getting my legs done and a modified Brazilian so there's still a little triangle there. Sam likes a groomed pussy, but I hate to shave so it's only a special treat every now and then."

I pretended to know what she was talking about. "Okay."

She smiled. "Do you remember what I said last week when I was teasing you about the pie?"

Yeah, I remembered. When she told me that cherry pie was another term for a woman's female parts, I had almost choked. I couldn't even imagine what she had meant when she said Jake wanted to eat it. I nodded again.

"Well, Sam is the kind of guy that prefers a trimmed bush. You know, pubic hair. He says it's so he doesn't get hair in his teeth."

My eyes widened. "Sam . . . Hair in his teeth?"

"Yeah. From licking the pussy. Oral sex?"

I felt so small and stupid. These were things a twenty-year-old girl should know. My eyes watered, but I wasn't sure why. At the same time, I wanted to know how Jake preferred a . . . pussy. Even just thinking the word seemed strange to me.

"Are you okay?" Leah asked. I nodded, but I didn't look at her. She leaned down to find my eyes. "You're not going to do this, Nessie. I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but you're soon going to find out that I'm not going to put up with pouting. If I say something that embarrasses you or hurts you, just tell me. I can back off when I need to."

I took a deep breath. "I just don't know any of this stuff; I feel stupid."

She patted my back. "Don't feel stupid, honey. I'm sorry I made you feel like that. Didn't your friends in school teach you anything?" She smiled like she was joking, but it just cut through me even more.

I tried to smile. "I didn't have those kinds of friends, I guess." I hated the tears I heard in my voice.

She touched my shoulder lightly. "Hey, it's okay. I'll teach you everything you need to know. Our time's almost up, so we'll go over that after. I'll be there beside you the whole time, okay? Did you want to get waxed?" I shook my head. "Okay. Jake prefers natural pussy anyway." She winked at me, and I blushed just as someone came into the room to get us.

The massages were wonderful and relaxing, although I was so nervous about being topless on the table. Leah calmed me down, though, and promised to keep an eye on the masseuse for me. I smiled when I remembered what Jake had said about other people touching me. Although I knew a massage wasn't what he meant, I wondered what would happen if I told the masseuse. I kept it to myself.

By the time the massages, manicures, and pedicures were done, I felt more pampered than I had in my whole life. I went back to the meditation room by myself while Leah got her wax. I spent the time thinking about Jacob and what Leah had said about his . . . preferences. I wasn't sure what exactly a natural pussy meant, but I found myself hoping it meant that I wouldn't need to do anything fancy to make him happy. I couldn't even imagine having that hair ripped out for someone.

Twenty minutes passed before Leah came back. We went to another room for our lunch. We both got a toasted bagel with cream cheese and a smoothie.

"Did you have a good time?" Leah asked as we ate.

I nodded. "Yeah, it's been so much fun. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I've had fun, too. When we're done eating, should we go sit in the sauna and talk sex?" She looked way too excited.

I smiled and laughed a little. "Sure, I guess."

I had always known that saunas were hot. I mean, that's where the saying "hot as a sauna" came from. But actually experiencing it was something different. Leah and I wrapped ourselves in towels and sat down.

"What's that smell?"

"Eucalyptus. It's so relaxing, I think. So where did we leave off? I think I told you that Jake prefers natural pussy, didn't I?" She stretched her tan legs out, and did the same. I was close to the same color of my towel.

"Yeah, you did. What, um . . . what did you mean?" I blushed and hoped she didn't laugh.

She didn't. "Do you know what oral sex is?"

I nodded. "That's like a blow job, right?"

"That's one form of it, yes. But guys do it to girls, too." I couldn't help but wonder what that would be like. "It's all pretty much a guy playing with your pussy with his tongue. Please tell me you've masturbated before." My face had to be brighter than a fire hydrant as I nodded. "Good. Then you know what the clit is and everything. Imagine what it feels like when you touch yourself, then imagine that about ten times better. When a guy knows what he's doing, it's really amazing."

I suddenly wanted that really badly. "It sounds nice."

She nodded and chuckled. "Yeah. Now, like I said, Sam likes a groomed pussy so he doesn't get hair in his teeth when he goes down on me. Jake doesn't care about that, and he actually doesn't like it hairless. I tried it once for him, and he said the only reason he would even still fuck me was because we'd already been together." I was so lost. I tried to pretend I wasn't, but of course she saw through me. She was just as bad as Jake. "Did you even understand a word I said?"

"I understood that you shaved for Jake once, but I guess he didn't like it? I thought that was what most men wanted."

She nodded. "Yeah, but that's just because it's what Hollywood wants you to think. Can you imagine some superstar on a beach with a huge bush hanging out of her swimsuit?"

I laughed at the image her question brought up. "No, I can't. They'd never live it down."

"Exactly. Jake's not like that, though. He's okay with the bikini line and whatnot, but he doesn't like it when there's no hair. He told me it was because a real woman should be hairy, and only little girls should be hairless. That's why he would only be with me because we'd already been together. I don't think he'd be able to keep an erection if the girl didn't have pubes the first time he saw her naked."

I raised my eyebrows. "Wow. So he'll be okay with me if I'm not trimmed or anything, right?" I really liked the thought of that.

She nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'm sure he'll like it even more since you're a redhead. Fire bush and all."

"What?"

She laughed and patted my knee. "Well, natural redheads have red pubic hair, too, as I'm sure you know. I don't get it, but I've heard a lot of guys—Jake included—talk about how a redhead's pubic hair is really hot."

"But Jake's never seen . . ." I trailed off. Just because he'd never seen mine didn't mean one of the eight other girls he'd been with hadn't been a redhead.

She raised an eyebrow. "He's never seen your bush? I knew you hadn't had sex yet, but he didn't say anything about that. Didn't you try on the lingerie I gave you for your birthday?"

I kind of wanted to hide. "Um . . . No. I . . ." I wasn't sure what to say. What reason could I give to her that didn't make it sound like I hated the gift?

She sat up a little straighter. "So you don't even know if it fits yet? Oh, Ness, you've gotta try it on soon. What are you waiting for?"

I didn't know how to explain my hesitation to her. "I don't know, really. I mean, I do, but it's hard to explain. Jake and I have . . . done stuff together, but every time he tries to touch me, I start to freak out."

"Do you mean your tits, or what?" She sounded genuinely interested and concerned in a friendly way. It surprised me, although I wasn't sure why.

"No, not that. It took me a while, but I can let him touch me there now. But I still can't let him touch me between my legs." I blushed deep and looked down. I couldn't believe I was actually talking to Leah about this. I understood why Jake did it, though. Deep inside me, it felt nice to have someone else to express these things to.

She hummed in understanding. "I wonder if that has something to do with your PTSD. When do you start therapy, by the way?"

"On Tuesday. I'm nervous."

Leah rubbed my back. "Don't be. Jake's going, too, right?" I nodded. "Good. I assume you've talked to him about your hesitation?"

"Oh, yes. He knows. I've been trying really hard to work my way there, and I think I might be getting closer. It's still scary when he gets close, though."

"I'm sure it'll just take time. Maybe therapy will help." She winked at me.

I couldn't help but smile. "I hope so."

The door opened, and two other people walked in. One of them was a man, and suddenly I felt far too exposed, even with the towel. I reflexively put my hands up to cover myself and looked at Leah.

"Are you ready to go? I'm pretty hot." She fanned herself like the heat was too much for her all of a sudden. I nodded gratefully. I noticed the man give Leah an appreciative look, and she made an obvious gesture to show off her ring. I smiled to myself as we walked out the door to get our robes. We went back to the lockers and got dressed, and Leah looked away for me again.

"So do you want to go home?"

I missed Jake terribly. I wanted to be near him again. "Did you have anything else planned?"

She shrugged after she climbed in the driver's seat. "No, not really. I mean, eventually I have to get home, but Sam made it very clear that today was to be relaxing for me. I can't do anything productive."

"Sounds like fun. If it's okay, though, I really want to get back to Jake."

"I had a feeling you would. I'm sure he's wondering where you are anyway." She pulled her cell phone from her purse and nodded. "Yep. He texted me three times." She laughed and started to type something back.

"What are you telling him?" I asked.

"Just that I lost you and had to go through a secret portal to get you back."

I leaned closer to her and laughed. "What?"

She showed me her phone. It was a lot different from Jake's, but sure enough, she'd typed that she had to search for me. "He asked me twice if you were okay then asked if you were coming home any time soon and what was taking so long. So that's my explanation. I'll let you tell him the truth." She winked at me and sent the message.

"Okay." I wasn't sure if I liked that. Then again, I could probably just tell him we were having fun talking and he'd be fine with it.

She handed me the phone. "Listen for him to respond; I want to know what he says." She started the truck and put it in gear.

"What kind of phone is this?" I asked. Jake had mentioned something about getting me a cell phone but added a land line instead. I couldn't blame him after the way I reacted to holding his phone. Leah's was a lot different, though.

"It's an Android."

I nodded and looked at it for a minute before it vibrated. "Something just happened."

She chuckled and showed me how to get to her texts. It was Sam asking how the trip went. "Just leave that alone; I'll text him when we get back to your place."

"All right." Not two seconds later, the phone vibrated again. I did what Leah had showed me to do and smiled when it was Jacob. "Jake says that's not funny."

She laughed harder. "Do you want to text him?"

I licked my lips. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not. We'll be back in like fifteen minutes; go ahead."

I smiled to myself and slid the phone open like she'd shown me and started typing back. It was surprisingly easy to use. I wasn't sure what to say, though. I decided it would be a good idea to specify who he was talking to. _Hey, Jake. It's Ness, using Leah's phone. I'm fine. We just spent more time talking in the sauna than I think we had planned._ I hit send and looked over at Leah.

"You're so cute when you're concentrating on something," she said.

"I told him the truth."

She nodded. "I knew you would. That's okay."

I almost jumped when the phone went off again. _That's fine. Coming home soon?_

It was strange but exciting talking to Jake like this. _Yes, we're on our way. We'll be there in about fifteen minutes or so._

_Good. Miss you._

I smiled and bit my lips as I typed back. _I miss you, too._

"You might want to talk to Jake about getting one. Do you like it?" Leah gestured to the phone I had in my hands.

I nodded. "Yes, I do. What I've seen of it, anyway."

"Good. Remember to tell Jake you want an Android."

"Okay." I looked back at the screen just as another text came in.

_Did you have fun?_

_Yes, it was very relaxing, and Leah and I had some interesting conversations._ I realized too late that he would probably ask me what we had talked about and that he would make me tell him. There would be no escaping that conversation.

_Did you? I look forward to hearing about them. Love you._

Oh, boy. I blushed as I typed back. _I love you, too._

"What's that about?" Leah asked.

I'm sure I only blushed harder. "I made a stupid mistake and told him that you and I had some interesting conversations."

"Why is that a stupid mistake?"

I hesitated on my answer. We were on Jake's street anyway, and I was able to keep my mouth shut until we pulled into the driveway. "He won't let me keep it from him."

She snickered. "Of course he won't. He's Jacob."

I agreed with her, and we both went inside. Jake pulled me into a tight hug, and I couldn't even believe how good it felt. I squeezed him around his waist and kissed his chest.

"Oh, Nessie, I wanted to talk to you about something," Leah said.

"You've been talking to her all day," Jake said with a smile.

Leah smirked. "Yeah, well, I'm going to do it some more. So, one of my mother's friends really liked those bouquets you made for my wedding, and she wanted to know if you would be interested in making some for her daughter's birthday."

Bouquets for a birthday sounded weird to me, but I looked up at Jake. He shrugged. "Don't look at me, Ness. If you want to, go for it."

I smiled and turned back to Leah. "Sure. But how? Should I come to your house or do I need to go somewhere else?"

"I would normally say go to her house, but with your situation, I think it would be best to do it here or in my basement where you won't have to worry about being in the sun. Either way is fine with me. She doesn't need them for a few more weeks, so think about it and let me know, okay?"

I nodded. Leah didn't stay much longer. She wanted to get back to Sam. I blushed a little when she winked at me. I had a feeling Sam was going to have a good time tonight. Just as I thought that, I wished I could give Jake a good time.

"Did you have a good day?" I asked Jake as we sat on the couch. It was almost three o'clock.

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad. I spent a lot of time thinking about you strutting around in a robe with nothing on underneath it, though."

I smiled. "I kept my panties on."

"Oh, well that changes everything." He was obviously joking, and I couldn't help it when my smile grew bigger.

I kissed his neck. "I'm sure it does."

"So what were the interesting conversations you had with Leah?" His arms tightened around me.

"Oh, those . . . um, they weren't all that interesting." I wondered how little I could get away with. "She just told me the kinds of waxes there were and stuff. She said you should get a facial wax." I reached up and scratched his jaw. "By the way, why didn't you tell me that you didn't like having a beard?"

He looked down and kissed my lips. "Because you wanted to see it. You have to know that I already know that's not all you talked about. You wouldn't have brought it up if that was it."

I blushed deep. I decided to stay on his beard and see what happened. "Well, I've seen you with facial hair. I like it, but you can shave if you want. I think you're very handsome both ways."

He smirked. "Thanks, babe. Now about those conversations."

Dammit. "It was nothing."

He shrugged as if he suddenly didn't care. "That's okay. Leah will give me all the nitty-gritty anyway."

I huffed. "Of course she will." I kind of wanted to leave it to her to tell him, but I realized that wouldn't be right. I wasn't very fond of him keeping his dislike of growing a beard from me; I shouldn't keep anything from him. "We talked about hair. Well, mostly pubic hair."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

I nodded and hid my face in his shoulder. "Yes. She told me all about you and Sam."

"What about me and Sam?" He sounded genuinely confused.

"What you like and don't like. Sam likes everything shaved, I guess." I shrugged.

"Oh, wow, I did not need to know that."

I laughed a little. "You asked."

He sighed. "Yeah, I guess I did. I take it she told you what I like?"

I hid my face again and nodded. "Yeah."

His arms tightened around me even more, and he started to play with my hair. "Did she say anything else?"

I really didn't want to say anything, but it all came down to whether or not I wanted to hide my day from him. I knew I didn't want that, so I nodded. "Yeah, we kind of talked a little bit about, um . . ." I took a moment to hesitate and made sure my face was cemented in his neck. "Oral sex."

I was surprised when Jake seemed to tighten up all around me. I had expected him to joke about it or something, but instead he seemed serious. "What did she tell you?" Even his voice was harder.

I swallowed and kept my face right where it was. "She was trying to tell me why she was getting waxed, and I didn't get what she was saying. She told me that guys do it, too, and explained what happens."

"Did she try to push you at all to let me touch you?"

With his question, I understood why he was suddenly upset. I looked up at him and shook my head. "No, she didn't. In fact, she agreed that it might take some time and wondered if it was because of the PTSD. I promise she didn't try to talk me into anything."

He relaxed quite a bit then. "Okay. I love you, baby. I didn't think she would do something stupid like that, but she can be very unpredictable."

I stretched up to kiss his lips. "I love you, too."

He kissed me back. "What would you like to do now that you're all relaxed from the spa?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Laundry's been calling my name; I should probably start a load."

He smirked. "You don't have to. I'm sure it can wait a little while if you'd rather do something else."

"I know it can wait, but why put it off when I'm not doing anything right now? I'll just start it, then we can do something else, okay?"

He nodded and kissed me again. "Okay. Hurry back."

I went to the bedroom and gathered everything up in the black hamper. With my clothes mixed in, it must have filled up faster than usual. As I separated them into lights and darks, I thought about the outfit from Leah. One of my biggest hesitations, aside from Jake touching me, was that he'd laugh at me. I knew he wouldn't, especially now that I knew he preferred a woman with hair. I made a decision and loaded the whites into the washer, then took the box from the closet into the bathroom with me. I had a half a plan and got changed into the little bra and panty set. I hoped I'd be able to surprise him with it when we went to bed that night. I also hoped he'd be okay if explained to him that he could touch the top half, but the bottom half was just to look at.

It fit perfectly. Like I'd thought, the bottom looked ridiculous. I really hoped Jake wouldn't think so. The top looked okay, though. It wasn't really all that comfortable, especially the bottom part. I tried to ignore it. With a deep breath, I put my clothes back on, stuffed the robe back into the box, and left the bathroom.

* * *

A/N: *evil laugh* I couldn't help it. I want the big reveal (and the events afterward) in Jake's POV, and I refuse to change POV's in the middle of the chapter. So, yeah.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you think :)

I'm on Twitter; SheeWolf85


	36. Everything

A/N: Excited? I am. I'm pretty sure no one's expecting Ness to put on a grand show and strip like a professional, but if you are, prepare to be disappointed. She's still a little scurred. But, as always, Jake's there to encourage her like the amazing man he is!

Enough of my rambling. Enjoy! Ain't mine. Never will be. Why the hell am I still saying this at the beginning of every chapter? I think y'all get it now.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Five

Everything

_Look into my eyes - you will see,  
What you mean to me.  
Look into your heart - you will find,  
There's nothin' there to hide._

_Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for.  
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more.  
You know it's true,  
Everything I do - I do it for you._

-Everything I Do (I Do it For You) – Bryan Adams

* * *

_**Jacob**_

Nessie was taking forever with the laundry. She'd already started the load; what the hell could be taking her so long? I was really happy that she'd had a good time at the spa with Leah, and I hoped she wasn't lying when she told me she hadn't been pressured into anything.

I shook my head at myself and got up to get a drink. I knew Leah better than that. She might try to push me every single chance she got, but she wouldn't aim that low. I got a soda and waited a few more minutes in the kitchen. If Nessie wasn't out soon, I'd go find her. I had missed her while she was gone.

Almost as soon as I'd made the decision to go after her, Nessie came into the room. I held out my arm for her, and she came up to me.

"What happened? You were gone for ages." I kissed her forehead.

She smiled. "I'm sorry. I had something I needed to take care of." I stared at her blankly. She blushed brightly and added, "In the bathroom."

"Oh, okay. What would you like to do now?"

She shrugged, and her brow furrowed a tiny bit, just enough to be noticeable. "I don't know. We could . . ." She stopped for a minute, and I swear she did a little dance that made her look uncomfortable. "We could play a board game or something. You've still got those, right?"

I raised my eyebrow. "Yes, I do. Are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'm great. We should play Sorry again and see if I can still beat you."

She seemed fine, and her eyes didn't look upset at all, so I dropped it. "Sure, but then we're playing Clue, because I know I can still kick your ass at that game."

I went to get the game, and she followed me to the closet. "Whatever, Jake. Just because you have more attention to detail than I do."

"That just means you should pay more attention." I handed one game to her and took the other.

We cleared off the coffee table together, and she smirked as she looked over at the bookcase. "I guess I should."

I raised my eyebrow and looked where she had. For a moment, I didn't notice anything, then my mother's picture caught my eye. "Nessie?"

She looked up at me innocently as I stood up. "Yes?"

I went over to the bookcase and picked up Mom's picture. Next to it was my dad's. "Did you put these out here?"

I glanced over at her, and she nodded. "Yes, I did. I thought it was a shame to have them hiding in that room, so I put them out here with a few of my things a few days ago. Are you upset?"

I sighed and put the picture back. "No, Ness. I'm not upset." How could I be upset with her? "But this means you have to put one of your parents up here someday." Her eyes widened. "Not right now, baby. Just someday. Right now I'm going to win a game of Sorry."

She opened the box. "You wish."

I had her grinning and laughing by the time the game was over. She won the first round, so I called for a rematch. She won again. "I think you're rigging the game."

She shook her head. "How could I do that?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I don't know, but somehow you are. I've figured you out, woman."

She narrowed hers back at me, but I could still see the smile playing on her lips. "No, if you'd figured me out, you'd know how I was rigging the game and be able to counter-rig it so you would win. Since you haven't done that, you haven't figured me out at all."

"Your logic astounds me. Clue?" I held up the box.

She laughed again, and I loved the sound of it. "Sure, Jake. I'll just win again, though."

I smirked and used her words from earlier. "You wish."

She did win. "I told you." She sat back on her heels and smiled smugly as she held up the little piece of rope. "You've been hung."

I took the piece from her. "I think you meant to say that I am hung, Ness."

"Oh. Okay, well, you're hung, Jake."

I tried so hard to keep from laughing. "Yes, I am. I'm glad you noticed."

She raised an eyebrow. "What?"

I shook my head. "Absolutely nothing. Should we play again?"

She pursed her lips. "After you tell me what's so funny, sure."

I cleared my throat and made myself stop smiling. I really hoped she wouldn't get upset. "You said I'd been hung, which meant I lost the game. I corrected you to say that I am hung, which means I have a big dick."

Her eyes widened. "Jacob Black! You tricked me. Again."

"I'm sorry, Nessie; I couldn't help it. What do you mean 'again'?"

She sighed and looked down. Even though I couldn't see her face, it was easy to tell she wasn't happy. "With the German thing."

I moved over to the other side of the coffee table and sat next to her. "Hey, Nessie, come on. I swear I didn't know you'd be able to say _ich will dich ficken_, and I'm sorry about this hung thing. I didn't mean to upset you."

She shook her head but didn't look at me. "I know I'm naïve, Jake, but do you really need to do that to me? I don't want to feel like I've been taken advantage of like that. Especially by you."

Shit, I felt like an asshole. I rubbed her back and made her look up at me. "Baby, I didn't think of it like that. I swear I won't do it again."

She sniffled and nodded. "I know you didn't mean it like that. It's just earlier with Leah I felt so stupid because she was saying things I should have known about. Then this, and I'm sure a lot of women out there know it means when they say a guy is hung. It's common knowledge to everyone in the world, but I'm left out."

"Leah made you feel stupid?" She wouldn't like me very much the next time I saw her.

Nessie shook her head again. "No. Well, she didn't mean to. When she first started talking about everything, she didn't know that I know next to nothing about all of it. She was really nice about it all, and in the sauna she explained it without laughing at my ignorance."

It seemed Leah would live. "Okay." I met her eyes again. "Forgive me, Ness? I really am sorry."

The corners of her lips pulled up in a small smile. "I forgive you."

I kissed her. "Thank you. Do you still want to play again?"

She took a deep breath and smiled a little bigger. "Sure."

I couldn't be sure if she was still a little upset and not paying as much attention as before or what, but I won the second game. "Do you want to play something else? I do have a few other games. Or we could play some cards again."

She licked her lips and looked down for a minute as if she was thinking about something serious. When she looked back up, she shrugged and smiled. "Are those my only options?"

"We can do anything you want, baby." We put the games away, and she turned to lean into me.

"I want to cling to you while we watch something scary."

I kissed her head. "Should I put a shirt on?"

She laughed and pulled back. "No. I trimmed my nails the other day, I think you're safe."

I took her hands to look at them. "Good. What do you want to watch?"

She quirked her lips, thinking about it. "I don't know. What scary movies do you have?"

I kissed her. "You should know I have a ton; it's my genre." We went to my movie cabinet so she could look them over and decide. "Do you want hack-n-slash horror, ghost horror, psychological horror . . .?"

"There are too many different kinds. I don't know. I don't want anything gory, but I want something that will scare me." She picked out a movie and looked at the cover. "What about this one? _Ju-On_."

I took the movie from her. "This one scared _me_, Ness. I think we should stick to something a little less intense. If you want ghost scary, let's try this one." I gave her the new case while I put the other one back.

"_The Haunting_? Frankly, Jake, this one sounds creeper than the other one does."

I smiled and kissed her lips. "_Ju-On_ is the original Japanese version of _The Grudge_. Basically it's about a spirit that hunts down and kills any person that steps foot in her house because she holds a grudge, hence the name. _The Haunting_ is about a girl invited to take part in a paranormal study at an old mansion. Both are good, but this one is a lot less scary." I tapped the case she was holding.

"Yeah, I guess this one does sound better. Is the other one gory?"

"No, not really, but it's heavy on the creepy."

She nodded. "Okay. Do you want to set it up while I get some drinks and stuff?"

"Sure." I kissed her one more time, then she went to the kitchen while I put the movie in. She came back with a bowl of pretzels and M&M's mixed together and some sodas. I opened one and handed it to her, then I started the movie. She tensed up a little at some parts and jumped once or twice, but overall she did great. She was leaning into me but completely still and focused on the TV at the end of it. She finally relaxed as the credits started to roll. "What did you think?"

She sat up and turned to me. "Wow. It was good."

"I'm glad you liked it. Are you getting hungry?"

She licked her lips and stood up. "I, um . . ." She hesitated and furrowed her brow. "Yeah, I think so." She looked irritated about something as she picked up her soda can and the empty bowl.

I followed her to the kitchen and noticed she was walking a little funny. "You okay?"

She turned to me and blushed. It confused me. "Yeah, I'm okay. What should we do for dinner?" She looked down and shifted her weight.

I made her look up at me, but she surprised me by pulling back. She shifted her weight again. "Are you sure you're okay, Nessie? What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "Nothing's wrong. I'll be right back, though. I need to, um . . . readjust." She walked away before I could stop her. I wondered what she needed to readjust, then figured I probably didn't want to know. I was a little disappointed, though. If it was that time of the month, she probably wouldn't be up for making out much.

When she came back a few minutes later, she kissed me and smiled like everything was fine. I had kind of hoped something was actually wrong so I could fix it and try to move forward a little more tonight. Oh, well. We decided on some quick sandwiches for dinner since neither of us felt like cooking. That and we were getting low on shit to eat; we'd have to go shopping soon. It wasn't something I normally enjoyed, but I was a little surprised to find that I wanted to do it with her. Well, more like I wanted her to do it, and I'd just be there.

"What time is it?" she asked when we finished eating.

I checked my watch. "About seven-thirty."

She nodded and was quiet for a few minutes as we cleaned everything up. Something was still bothering her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd never noticed much of an attitude difference in her the past months when she was on the rag, but we'd never been so close either. When we'd put everything up, she turned to me in the kitchen.

"So, um . . . are you tired at all?" She licked her lips and looked down. She was nervous. I wondered how the hell I hadn't picked up on that before. She was probably expecting me to start something. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to have to explain what was going on.

I kissed her forehead. "Not really, baby, but you can go to bed if you are."

She picked at her fingernails for a second before she looked up at me. "I was kind of hoping you could come with me." She sounded unsure, like I would tell her to get lost or something.

"I'll lay down with you for a while, Ness."

She smiled and stood up on her toes to kiss me. We went back to the bedroom, and she sat on the edge of the bed. I laid down and tried to pull her with me, but she hesitated. I was about to ask her what was wrong when she stood up and turned to me.

"Can you wait there for a minute?" she asked. She almost sounded panicked.

"Yeah, baby. I'll be here."

She nodded and walked away to the bathroom. I hoped she was okay. She came back a few minutes later and climbed slowly onto the bed. I held her lightly, a little afraid of hurting her. She kissed my neck, then propped herself up on her elbow.

"Jake?"

I ran my fingers through her hair. "Yes?"

She licked her lips again and took a deep breath. "Um, I wanted to do something. I mean, I kind of had a surprise for you." She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. "Oh, I don't know what I'm doing." She sat up and pulled her hair to one side.

I sat up with her, confused. "What do you mean, baby?"

"I don't know how to do this. I should have talked to Leah. I didn't know I was going to do this, though. And now I've probably ruined everything anyway." I knew she was talking to herself, but I couldn't stand how upset she sounded or the tears in her eyes. I pulled her over to me and kissed her head.

"Hey, Nessie, it's okay. Calm down and talk to me. What's going on?" I rubbed her back and waited for her to relax.

She sniffled and looked up at me. "I'm sorry, Jake."

I shook my head and kissed her. "Don't be sorry, baby. Just talk to me. Why are you scared?"

She wiped her face and sighed. "After talking to Leah about everything today, I wanted to do something for you. She didn't try to push me for this; it was my idea. I mean, she told me I had to try it on, but she didn't tell me I had to do it like this. I thought it would be nice to surprise you, but I had this whole idea in my head that I'd make this production out of it, and I don't know how to do that. I feel so . . . I don't know."

I had never been more confused. "Okay, so you wanted to surprise me with something that you tried on?" Suddenly it clicked. There was no way in hell my Nessie was wearing that tiny bra and panty set. And if that was the case, then it wasn't her cycle making her uncomfortable. Dear God, please let it be true. I cleared my throat and tried not to sound too eager. "Was it what Leah gave you?"

Her body tensed up, and she hesitated for a second before she nodded. I felt like cheering and giving thanks to the gods of sex. She sniffled again, and I realized that I still needed to help her get past this. I made her look up at me and kissed her lips. "It's okay, Ness."

She shook her head. "It's not okay. I wanted to make this special for you."

"Baby, this is special for me." I moved over so I was sitting with my back to the headboard, then I tugged on her arm to get her to come with me. She straddled my lap and hugged my neck tightly as she pushed her face into the space between her arm and my throat. I kissed her temple. "Nessie, you don't need to make a big production and dance around the room stripping to make me happy. Although, I do have to admit you'd be hotter than Salma Hayek if you did. But that's not the point." I had to keep myself on track if I ever wanted to actually see the thing on her. "The point is that you put it on for me. Yes, I want to see it. I'd love to see it. I don't care how long it takes, baby; I'll sit here with you and talk you through it."

She took another deep breath and leaned back a little to meet my eyes. "I told myself I wasn't going to freak out."

I smiled and kissed her. "At least you haven't given up and changed yet, right?"

One corner of her mouth lifted up in a tiny half-smile. "I guess."

"No, not guess." I shook my head. "We have made a ton of progress since you moved in with me, Nessie. You weren't even able to put it on a week ago, and now look at you. Sitting here on my lap with that under your clothes."

She licked her lips and smiled a little easier. "So you're not upset that I couldn't put on a show?"

I rubbed her back and pulled her a little closer to me. I really wished she would have changed into her sweats or some shorts or something other than jeans. I'd have to make it work, though. "Of course not. Honestly, Ness, I'd rather take your clothes off myself."

She blushed and looked down, but that only made her blush harder. She looked off to the side. "I, um . . . I have to ask you for something, though."

I made her look back up at me. "Anything, baby. What is it?"

"I put it all on. I mean, besides the robe, obviously. But, um . . . the bottom part." She hesitated for a second. "I don't know if I'm really ready for . . . you know . . . touching there."

I nodded. "Okay. Can I touch your ass?"

"I think so. Yes." She nodded and took a deep breath.

This was getting sweeter and sweeter. "Can we try to work up to touching your pussy?" I didn't want to push it too far, but if she was up for it, I'd do what I could to make her comfortable.

She slid her hands around my shoulders and stared at her fingers. "I don't know."

I moved my hands to her hips and pulled her even closer. Her eyes closed when she moved against my hard-on. "That's okay, baby." It wasn't a definite no, so I was happy. "Just try to relax, okay? Just because you're wearing special underwear doesn't mean this has to be different than any other night."

She tensed up again. "But it is very different."

I tried a different tactic. "You're right. It is a little different, but that doesn't mean it has to be hard. Let me kiss you, baby. Let me make you feel good. I'll make sure you're okay before I do anything new."

She nodded and leaned in to kiss me. I pulled her into me tightly and deepened the kiss, maybe a little impatient to get her shirt off. I tried to pace myself; I knew if I fucked this up, she'd close herself off and any chance I had would be gone. I grabbed her ass and tried to get her to move her hips with me. It took her a few minutes, but eventually she did start to relax. I was sure it couldn't feel as good for her with jeans on, but I also knew if we did this right, she wouldn't have them on much longer.

I tried to take my time as I worked up to palm her tits. She tensed up just a little bit, but got over it quickly. She pulled away from the kiss when I started to lift her shirt.

"It's okay, baby," I kissed her, trying to keep the fire alive. "We've done this before. You've been completely bare in front of me. This part isn't anything new." She nodded and let me lift the shirt off her.

She almost covered herself, but I dropped the shirt off the side of the bed and caught her arms. She looked at me with wide eyes, and I just pulled her close again and kissed her. She pulled back and swallowed. I didn't want her to linger too much on this part. I made her look up at me.

"You are so gorgeous, baby." Not one person in my life had ever been sexier, regardless of the circumstances. I knew getting her pants off would be more difficult, but the fact that she was sitting here in that bra made me so proud of her.

"Really?"

I nodded and kissed her again. "Really. Do you want to leave this on?" I picked at the strap of her bra.

She nodded. "For now, yes."

"Okay. Come here; I need to kiss you."

She relaxed again after a few more minutes, then I shifted us so I was laying on top of her. She moaned into my mouth and lightly scratched my shoulders. I moved down her throat to her tits, and she didn't hesitate once as she shoved her chest up and grabbed my hair tightly. I didn't move the bra; I just nibbled on her nipples through the fabric. It was see-through, but even if it wasn't, they were so tight anyway. When I'd given both tits adequate attention, I started to slowly kiss my way down to her stomach. She shifted her hips more urgently and cried out louder, but she seemed to come back to reality when I popped the button on her jeans. Her hands in my hair tugged up, and her whole body tensed.

"Jake, wait," she begged.

I kissed her stomach and moved back up to her lips. "It's okay, baby."

She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I don't know if I can."

I nodded. "Yes, you can, Nessie." I pushed my hips into her and watched her respond to me. "You feel that, baby. I know you do. Remember how good it feels without your jeans?"

She sighed probably the most erotic sigh I'd ever heard and nodded. "Yes." Her voice was breathless.

"Do you want that again? If you let me take your jeans off, Ness, I can make it feel even better." I kissed her lips and ground my dick against her.

"God, Jake . . . I want it, but I'm scared." She opened her eyes and looked at me as she lightly combed my hair with her fingers. "I don't know how to let it go."

"Just trust me, Ness. That's all you've got to do. I swear I won't do anything you're not ready for. All you've got to do is say the word, and I'll stop. Do you trust me, baby?"

She slowly slipped her hands around to my face and lifted herself enough to kiss me. "I say stop, and you'll stop?" I nodded. It would be hell, but I wouldn't push her. She took a deep breath and nodded. "I trust you, Jake."

Thank you, Jesus. "That's good, baby. That's so good. Do you want to help me, or do you want me to do it?"

She swallowed thickly, and I noticed her hands were shaking a little when she moved them to my shoulders. "I don't know."

I kissed her and squeezed her tit as I pushed my hips into her again. "You can if you want to. I'd be happy to do it, though."

She whimpered and held my neck as she bucked her hips up. "Please . . . you do it."

"You just relax. I'm going to take your jeans off, okay?" I pushed myself up enough to reach her zipper.

She licked her lips and nodded. "Okay."

She tensed up like I'd expected her to as I slipped the pants down, but she didn't ask me to stop. I let them fall to the floor and took a moment to just stare at her. I touched her legs, sliding my fingers up to her hips. "My God, Nessie."

She reached down and put her hands over mine. I managed to tear my eyes away from what little the panties covered and looked up to see her staring at me nervously. "Leah said, um . . . she said that wouldn't bother you."

I raised my eyebrow. "She said what wouldn't bother me?"

She blushed brightly and moved one hand to touch the hair outside her panties. I couldn't even think about her touching herself. The image was too damn hot.

I smiled and kissed her just under her belly button. "Baby, you have no idea how sexy you are." I moved up a little and kissed her between her tits. She kept her hands on mine as I slipped them up her sides. "Every single part of you, Nessie." I licked her neck and bit her lightly. She shivered. "Each new step we take is so amazing and always worth the wait."

I kissed her lips and put myself between her knees. She gripped my fingers and moaned breathlessly when I pushed against her. I wanted to lose the sweats. Fucking Christ, I was so goddamn close to everything. Without even having to persuade her, she wrapped her legs around me. I pulled back a little to see her face. She was so fucking sexy when she was turned on. I wanted to make her cum again.

"God, Jake. I love you." She opened her eyes and smiled at me. "I did it."

"Fuck yes, you did. I am so damn proud of you, baby. Now tell me what you need."

She licked her lips. "I need you. If, um . . . Could you do what you did before?"

I had a feeling I knew what she wanted to say. I remembered what I had promised the last time we made out. I was still nervous about pushing her further than she was really ready to go, but I wouldn't go back on my word. If she felt comfortable touching me like that, I'd let her. "Yeah, baby. I'm going to reach down here, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay."

It was still weird holding my dick like this, but the look on her face when I found the right spot was worth it. It was a little different this time; slightly to the right of her clit rather than the left. Her legs tightened around me, and her hands fisted in my hair. "There?"

"Ye—Oh!" She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. "Right there. Don't stop, Jake."

I imagined her saying those exact words when I fucked her. "I'm not stopping until you cum, Ness." I made damn sure I stayed right where she needed me. It felt good to me, too, but it wasn't as physically intense as I liked. I wasn't close to cumming when she tightened up and arched her back, crying out loudly. Fuck if I wasn't turned on, though. More than anything else, I noticed that the lack of cover her panties provided let her wetness soak through my sweats just enough to feel it. I wanted to be a jackass and sneak a swipe with my fingers, but I knew that would only backfire on me. I'd built up this much trust with her, and one dumbass move like that would put me right back to square one.

She pushed on my chest, and I stopped and pulled back. "I love you," she panted breathlessly.

I kissed her lips. "I love you, too." I tried to be patient, but I needed a release now. She had closed her eyes and was just gently combing her fingers through my hair. I thought about just pushing against her again; it probably wouldn't take long to cum. I couldn't hurt her, though. "Nessie?"

She opened her eyes and smiled a beautiful, lazy smile. "Hmm?"

"I need to know what I'm doing now."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm going to die if I can't cum soon. I won't hurt you, but I promised last time I'd let you touch me if you were up to it. If you're not, please don't push yourself. I just need to know."

She licked her lips. "Oh. Um, yeah . . . I want to try. Will you show me how?"

Could this day get any better? "Yes, I will. But, you have to promise that you'll tell me if you get overwhelmed." I made her look at me when she answered.

"I promise."

I was satisfied that she wasn't just saying that to make me happy, so I moved to sit up against the headboard. She sat up, too, and I couldn't get over how fucking sexy she was. She licked her lips again and looked down at her body. She blushed and started to lean over like she was going to get her clothes. I couldn't have that. I leaned forward and caught her arm. "Nessie? Will you do something for me?" She met my eyes, and hers were wide and nervous. "Please stay like that. Just for a few more minutes?"

She took a deep breath and looked down at herself again. "I don't really see what you like about it, but okay."

I pulled her gently so she was straddling my knees. "I see my shy, sexy girlfriend who has gotten over some major emotional obstacles to do something very special for me. A few very special somethings, actually. Not only do I get to see you close to naked in skimpy lingerie, but I also get a handjob."

She smiled and reached out to put her hands on my shoulders. "I hope."

"I know you can do it, baby. But, I also want you to know that I won't be upset if you need to stop, okay?" That was a lie. I wouldn't get mad, but I would be very disappointed. Not in her, though. I didn't want to have to explain that difference to her right now, so I went with the lie.

"Okay. What do I do?"

I rubbed her arms. "Are you really sure you're ready to do this?"

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded. She met my eyes and smiled. "I'm ready."

I kissed her lips and shifted enough to pull my sweats down. She tensed up again when she looked down, and she swallowed. A part of me wished the situation was just a little different so I could walk her through everything and go step by step, but as it was, my dick hurt too damn badly to do anything but get off. I leaned down just enough to kiss her again, and I slid my hands down to her wrists to guide her. She wrapped both hands around me, one above the other. I groaned; her touch was too light.

"Hold me tighter, baby." She did, but it still wasn't enough. I put my hand over hers on top and squeezed a little bit. "I need pressure, Nessie. Don't be afraid of hurting me."

She swallowed again and squeezed. It was incredible. "Is that better?"

"God, yes. Now follow my lead." I kept my hand over hers and showed her what to do. I grabbed the back of her neck with my free hand and pulled her close to kiss her while I increased the pace. I knew I wasn't going to last long, and it only got better when she gripped tighter. My hand slid down her back to her ass, and she moaned just a little and kissed me deeper.

I pulled away from the kiss and growled as my body tensed just before my release hit. She gasped and jumped a little when my cum hit her chest, but she didn't stop. I had never, in all my life, seen a sexier sight than my Ness sitting there with cum on her tits. I was a little bit worried that she'd be upset about it, though. I probably should have made sure I had something to cover my dick.

She sat back once I'd finished and almost pushed her hair back when she realized she had cum on her hands, too. Instead, she leaned back and shook her head to make sure her hair stayed out of the mess. I leaned forward and kissed her. "I'm sorry, baby."

I couldn't say why I was so fucking lucky today, but she shook her head. "It's all right. I just didn't expect it to . . . you know . . . shoot out like that. Was that okay?"

I kissed her again. "That was really fucking amazing. I didn't think a handjob could be that good."

She smiled brightly then looked back down at her hands. "So what do I do now?"

"Now we clean up. Hop up and go into the bathroom to wash off." I patted her hip, and she climbed down, paying attention to her hands as she tried not to touch anything. I watched her ass as she walked to the bathroom. She didn't shut the door. I took a few seconds to thank whoever the fuck made all this happen, then I got up, grabbed some clean sweats, and joined Nessie in the bathroom.

She smiled up at me as she leaned over the sink and wiped her chest with a rag. I could get used to her strutting around in her underwear. I could also get used to her leaning over shit. Her tiny hips were barely over the top of the counter, and her very fine ass was sticking out, just begging to be smacked. I wasn't sure what she'd think of that, though, so I didn't do it. I kissed her instead, and she blushed deeply as she looked back down and finished what she was doing. I cleaned myself off and changed my pants. I figured she'd already seen everything; there was no reason to hide from her. I wasn't sure she'd be comfortable with it all the time, but she didn't seem nervous at the moment.

She was taking a long time to finish. She was still wiping her tits by the time I was done. I stood behind her and put my hands on the edge of the counter on either side of her, then I leaned down and kissed her shoulder. "Are you okay, Ness?"

She turned her head to look back and me and nodded. "Yeah." She blushed, though, and turned back quickly. I guess she must have forgotten that there was a mirror right in front of us, and I could see the way she furrowed her eyebrows and mouthed something that looked like 'oh, my God.'

"Are you sure, baby?" I rubbed her arms, following them down to her wrists. One was on the sink and the other was still at her chest. The rag was damp, and from what I could tell, she was clean. "What's the matter?"

She took a deep breath. "Nothing's really wrong, Jake. I just don't really know what to do now. I mean, I'm kind of tired, but I don't want to go to bed. And I know you like to see me in this, but I feel so exposed. I didn't feel like this before, but now . . . I don't know if that's normal. I had thought that once we got past that, I'd be okay. I'm not okay, though, and I don't know how to be."

I kissed her neck and moved my hands back to the counter. "It's okay to be confused, Ness. I can't even tell you how proud I am that you were able to do as much as you did tonight. I'll get you some clothes and bring them to you, all right?"

She nodded. "Okay. Could you . . . I need different panties, too."

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "No problem, baby. I'll set them on the counter for you."

"Thank you."

I stood up straight and touched her back before I walked out. "You're welcome." I went to the dresser and picked out some pajamas for her. As much as I wanted to give her the tiny flannel shorts, I figured she'd probably be more comfortable in something that covered her up more. I got her gray sweats and a t-shirt, then smiled to myself as I chose a pair of panties. I probably shouldn't tell her how much I liked her underwear sitting there with mine. I took everything to the bathroom and set them down beside her. "Here you go, babe." She smiled nervously at me. I kissed her head and shut the door on my way out.

I sat on the edge of the bed to wait for her. It took her another fifteen minutes to get done and open the door. When she did come out, she put her lingerie in the clothes hamper then came to sit next to me. I put my arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. "I love you, baby."

She looked at me and smiled. "I love you, too."

"Do you want to lay down with me?" I figured she probably needed some time to just relax emotionally and be okay with everything she did. I wouldn't let her do that alone.

She nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good."

We got into bed, and she curled against my side. She lifted her arm over my chest and wound her leg over mine. I held her close to me and lightly rubbed her arm with my fingertips. "Did we do too much tonight, Ness?"

She kissed my neck. "I don't think so. It was a lot, but I'm happy we did it. Thank you, by the way, for keeping your hand on mine."

I smiled and made her look at me so I could kiss her lips. "You're welcome, baby."

She sighed contentedly and nuzzled her face in my neck for a few minutes. Everything was quiet, and it was so peaceful just holding her close to me. I listened to the sound of her breathing and thought about everything that had just happened, and everything that was going to happen in the next few days. I wasn't excited about starting therapy on Tuesday, but I was pretty eager to get her in. I just hoped Dr. Furst didn't turn out to be an asshole.

"Are you looking forward to Tuesday?" I asked her.

Ness leaned back a little and shrugged one shoulder. "I can't say that I'm overjoyed, but I am curious about it. I'm also nervous."

I kissed her forehead. "I'll be there with you, baby. You know that."

She nodded. "Yeah, I know. I just know he's going to ask about my dad. That's what I'm most worried about."

I wasn't really sure what to tell her. Of course I'd be there and hold her every minute, but she already knew that. She knew that I wouldn't let the man push her too far. The best I could do was try to comfort her as much as possible and hope it was enough. "It'll be okay, Ness."

She nodded again, but didn't say anything. She took another deep breath and kissed my neck. We were both quiet again for a few minutes. She started to move her fingers lightly over my collar bone, then began to explore more of my chest. "Jake?" I kissed the top of her head and hummed. "Do you remember what Leah said about those flower arrangements earlier?"

"Yeah, I do. Do you want to do that?"

"I think so. But I was wondering . . . would you be really upset if I wanted to do it here?"

I made her look at me again. "Why would I be upset?"

She smiled. "You know, all those flowers being in the house and everything."

"Oh," I laughed. "I could probably live with that."

She lifted herself up on one elbow and kissed my lips. "Really? You're not just saying that?"

I smirked and touched her nose. "I don't just say shit, Ness. You should know that by now."

Her smile grew bigger. "Yeah, I probably should." She kissed me again, and this time she deepened it. I tightened my arm around her waist and let her lean over me. I was beyond relieved that it didn't take her very long to relax and move on from her insecurity in the bathroom. The kiss simmered down to a few light, closed-mouth pecks, and she reached up to scratch my jaw. It felt good. "Do you plan on shaving?" she asked, her lips brushing against mine.

"Are you sure you want me to?" As much as I hated having it, I loved the way it made her react when I kissed her neck and her ears.

She scratched a little harder. "Well, if you don't like having it, then yes. I want you to be comfortable."

I lifted my chin a little higher. "Okay. Yeah, I'll shave tomorrow after work." She sighed and pouted a tiny bit. I smirked. "Unless you don't want me to."

She kissed my cheek. "It's not that; I just forgot that you had to work tomorrow. I like it when you get to stay home with me."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't want to go either." But I had to.

"I guess I should probably let you get some sleep then, huh? Since you have to be up early." She glanced over at the clock. I looked, too. It was almost nine o'clock.

"Yeah, I guess so." I kissed her one more time before I got up and turned off the lights. I set my alarm before I got back in bed, then she snuggled close to me again. "Goodnight, baby."

She sighed happily. "Goodnight. See you in the morning."

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A/N: Thank you for reading! Was it what you had thought it would be? Better? Worse? Craptastic waste of words? J/K, lol.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85

Also, the Jake/Leah outtake series, Simple Design, was updated. Check out the second o/s, Secrets.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in another A/N, but there are also two Sam/Leah outtakes. Feels Like the First Time and You. All of them, so far, are pre-GMAS. Someday I might write some that are within this story time frame. Who knows?


	37. Save Me from Myself

A/N: A huge thank you everyone reading this. I love you all. Seriously.

**I feel like a warning is in order for this chapter. There is violence, blood, and biting of the not sexy kind. Most of it deals with Nessie's dream, and y'all should know by now they can get pretty bad. Her guilt is stepping it up a notch. Or two. There is also some accidental hitting. I do not consider it domestic violence as it is unintentional. I hope this comes across well in the chapter. If you are sensitive to that type of thing, however, please read carefully.**

I have been waiting to use this song. I love it so much, and I kind of wish I could put the whole damn song in the quote. I think that would be a bit much, though, lol. Anyway, go listen to it if you've never heard it before. Either check the playlist website, or check out youtube.

Aside from that, enjoy the chapter!

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Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Six

Save Me from Myself

_It's not so easy loving me  
It gets so complicated  
All the things you've gotta be  
Everything's changin'  
But you're the truth  
I'm amazed by all your patience  
Everything I put you through_

_When I'm about to fall  
Somehow you're always waitin'  
With your open arms to catch me  
You're gonna save me from myself_

-Save Me from Myself – Christina Aguilera

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I fell asleep Saturday night happier than I had been in a very long time. It had been such an amazing day. The very best part, though, was being so close to Jake. I couldn't believe that I'd actually been able to touch him. I didn't think I'd be able to do it if he hadn't kept his hand on mine, though. He was so sweet and patient through the entire process. I had been surprised when his orgasm was strong enough to reach me. At first, I didn't mind. There was something so intimate about having that part of him on me. And yet, when I got to the bathroom to clean up, I started to get nervous. Was it really normal to feel that way? Shouldn't I have been disgusted or worried? It didn't feel right to be anything but happy, but I was so confused. Especially when Jake came into the bathroom with me, and all I wanted to do was cover my body. I was frozen, though. I really liked seeing him naked beside me, but it suddenly felt so wrong to be so exposed. I didn't understand how I could go from being comfortable to nervous about the same thing so quickly.

Jacob helped me past that as well, though. He got me clothes and gave me privacy to get changed. Even though we'd done so much and gotten so far, I wanted to do something special for him just because of how amazing he was. I decided I'd try to make him breakfast in the morning. It wouldn't be anything extravagant like pancakes, bacon, and eggs, but I was sure I could figure something out.

It had been a while since I'd had any bad dreams. I'd had a lot of good ones lately about Jake and the things I wanted to do with him. In my dreams, I wasn't panicky like I was in real life. I could let my guard down and go all the way with him easily. I had been sure that what we'd done that night would star in my dreams, if I had any. I was wrong.

The dream started out so different from any other I'd ever had. I stood in my bedroom and watched myself as I argued with my dad through the closed door. It was that day; the one where everything went bad. I had control over my actions, but I couldn't stop the other me as she ripped open the door and spoke like he had no right to be upset. I followed her to the kitchen and stared at his face as they argued. I wanted to hug him. My arms passed right through him, though, and of course he didn't notice. I yelled at myself not to get upset when he threatened to take away the college fund. He was upset, and so was she. I couldn't even say why I thought she'd hear me.

She stared at him with so much hatred, then she said the words that made me sick. I saw his face so clearly even when everything else was starting to get blurry. I tried to stop her. If I could make her stay, maybe I could change everything else. The door slammed after her, though, and my stomach twisted painfully. I closed my eyes tightly and wished everything would just go away.

The pain in my stomach grew harsher, sharper. Too real. It wasn't a reaction to what had happened anymore. I opened my eyes, shocked and yet not surprised at all to see the dead, milky eyes of myself staring back at me. Her cracked lips were pulled up in a sadistic smile, and she was standing so close to me I could smell her rotting breath as she breathed a sickening laugh. She shifted, leaned into me a little bit, and suddenly my entire abdomen was on fire. I glanced down to see she had twisted the knife she'd plunged into my gut.

I cried out, a small whimper compared to the scream I wanted to make, and looked back up at her. I shook my head, and she just laughed again as she pulled the blade free. I fell to my knees, clutching at my stomach to somehow try to stop the bleeding. I couldn't give in to her.

"_You seem to have forgotten what you did,"_ she said with a strange, lifeless disdain.

I shook my head as I tried to stay alert. I was getting dizzy, and the amount of red staining my clothing and the white tile under me was startling. _"No. I remember. Every day."_

"_You're a liar. You can't lie to me, though. Or did you forget that I _am_ you?"_

I wanted to say no. She wasn't me. But she was right. She pulled my blood-soaked hand away from my abdomen and held it up. I tried to wriggle free, but her strength added with the searing pain of just trying to twist made it impossible. _"Please don't,"_ I begged. _"Please. I swear, I haven't forgotten. I'm so sorry!"_

She sneered. _"Of course you're sorry, you stupid bitch."_ She brought the blade down on my arm with a furious swipe. I heard and felt the blade scrape against the bone, and I screamed as I tried harder to get away. My knees slipped on the blood under me, and her holding my wrist was the only thing keeping me from landing on my face. She jerked my arm up and moved like she was going to cut me again, but then suddenly she stopped. I managed to steady myself while still holding my abdomen with my free hand. Her lips spread in a wide smile, deepening the existing cracks and creating new ones. I didn't understand for a few long seconds until I heard him.

"Nessie, baby, wake up." It was so far away, but it was unmistakable. Jacob. How the hell did Jacob get into my dream?

"_Isn't that sweet?"_ she asked bitterly.

I wanted to wake up, but I was afraid to give in to the wooziness clouding my head. I didn't know how to push this away, and I didn't know what would happen if I gave up before she dealt the final blow. As if on cue, she lifted my hand higher and slashed again. It was closer to my wrist, but I still didn't wake up. She dropped my arm then, and it seemed two things happened at the same time.

I looked up from the pool of blood I was sitting in to see a blurry figure standing behind the dead woman in front of me. Even though I couldn't see a lot of detail, it wasn't hard to tell it was Jacob. In that same instant, the dead me raised the knife and began to turn. Everything became so perfectly clear when she ripped the blade across his throat.

"No!" Everything around me went black. I tried to push myself up, but I was being held down. I screamed louder and struggled against whatever it was holding me back.

"Nessie, please." Jacob's voice was so close. I had to get to him. I pushed against my restraint, but it only tightened. I couldn't move my arms to hit or scratch. Overwhelmed by panic, I did the only thing I could think to do. I bit down as hard as I could and tried to push away again.

"Ow, fuck," Jacob growled. Oh, God, please let him be okay.

The restraint was gone, though, and I was able to sit up. I wasn't on the cold tile floor of my kitchen. I was in a bed. I was warm. I forced my eyes to open, and the relief that hit me when I realized I was awake in bed with Jacob was so strong that it nearly made me sick. I licked my lips and froze when I tasted something metallic. I'd licked my own wounds in the past; scraped knees, paper cuts, and other small injuries. I knew what blood tasted like. I did not expect to taste it now. My hands went to my stomach. My shirt was dry. My arm was still throbbing a little where she'd cut me, and I patted it down, too. It seemed okay. I couldn't say why I was always paranoid that one day I'd wake up bleeding from the wounds she'd given me. It was unrealistic, but I couldn't help it. I was fine, but Jacob . . .

"Nessie," he said. "Baby, are you awake?"

If I wasn't bleeding, then it must have been from him. My heart started to pound a million miles an hour, and my stomach was trying to choke me as I turned to face him. He reached out to me, and I grabbed his hand. "Are you hurt?" I managed to croak. I pushed myself close to him and tried to inspect him. The room was dark, though, and it was difficult to see much. His throat was a little warm, but it was dry.

"You got my arm pretty good, but I'm okay. I'm more worried about you."

I shook my head and leaned back. "No, I mean your throat. Are you okay? I tasted blood, and it's not mine."

He kissed my lips. "You taste blood because you bit my arm. I'm fine."

Bit his arm? When had I . . .? I realized what had happened. There was no restraint keeping me from Jake. There was only him trying to hold me. I'd hurt him. My eyes watered, and my stomach turned. "Oh, Jake . . . Oh, my God . . ."

His arms wrapped around me to pull me close. "Hush, baby, it's okay. Come here."

I put my hands on his chest. "No, Jake; I bit you. I made you bleed. We need to look at it."

He grabbed both my wrists with one of his hands and made me look at him with the other. "Nessie, listen to me. I told you I'm fine. We'll look at it in a minute. I need to make sure you're okay. Please tell me what happened."

Even in the darkness of the room, I could tell his eyes were blazing. I swallowed and nodded as best as I could. Once upon a time, it seemed like ages ago, I had hoped that one day the dead version of myself would really show up and do what she always promised. Now I was terrified of it. The logical side of me said it wasn't possible; she was just a figment of my imagination in my dreams. But there was still a strong side that worried she would take Jacob away. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want him to know that she had hurt him in my dream. I wanted to protect him from that the way he was trying to protect me. I couldn't really lie to him and say it was nothing, either. "It was me. The dead one." I hoped that was enough.

He let go of my hands and pulled me close to him. "You're safe now, Nessie. I won't let anyone hurt you."

I kissed his neck and silently promised the same thing. "Can we look at your arm now?"

"Yeah." He kissed my head, and we both got up. I took his hand carefully; I wasn't sure which arm I'd bitten, and I didn't want to hurt him worse.

Jacob flicked the light on in the bathroom, and my eyes squinted against the light. The first thing I noticed was that my shirt had blood on it. I felt an echo of the wrenching pain in my gut. I gasped and lifted my shirt quickly, terrified of what I would find underneath it. My stomach was fine. I looked at my arm, but it was fine, too.

"You okay, baby?" Jacob asked. It sounded a little distracted.

I looked up to see him inspecting his right arm. "Oh, my God, Jacob." It wasn't completely covered in blood, but it had a few dark red lines down to his wrist. His chest was smeared with it, too. I should have realized the blood on me came from him. It seemed so obvious now.

He glanced at me as he reached down to turn on the faucet. "This isn't so bad, Ness. I've had worse."

I rolled my eyes. Of course he'd say that; he'd say anything to make me feel better, I was sure of it. "Yeah, like the Black Knight who got his arms and legs chopped off? It's just a flesh wound?"

He paused for a second before he laughed out loud and picked a washcloth off the shelf behind him. "Not exactly, babe. Although, yes, it is just a flesh wound. I've had broken bones and shit before; this really isn't that bad." He could act tough all he wanted, I caught the wince when he put the rag over the mark.

"Sure, whatever. Is it deep?" I stepped closer to him to see what he was doing.

He shook his head. "No. Well, okay; for a bite, it looks pretty deep. But I don't think I'll need anything special. Maybe some Neosporin or something."

I wasn't convinced. "Jacob, please don't do this right now. If it's deep it might need stitches." How could I have done that to him? How could I have hurt him so badly he needed stitches?

"Nessie, calm down." He touched my chin and made me look at him. I realized as I looked into his dark eyes that I was really close to hyperventilating. I forced a deep breath and nodded. "I don't need stitches, okay? It was bleeding, but not anymore. I don't think." He looked under the cloth covering the wound and pursed his lips. "It is a little bit, but it's not bad."

"Please don't downplay this, Jake. I really don't think I can handle that right now. Tell me you're dying or something."

He snorted. "You want me to tell you I'm dying?"

"No, but . . . Okay, that was a little melodramatic, but stop trying to pretend like I didn't hurt you."

He sighed. "All right, Ness. It hurts. I mean, you like I like biting, but this might be a bit much." He paused, and I couldn't help but smile. "Why don't you help me clean it and get something on it, then we'll see how it looks in a few days, okay? If it's not getting better, I'll go to a doctor or something."

Or something . . . I figured that was probably the best I could hope for with him, though, so I agreed. "Okay. What do I need to do?"

"I need the rubbing alcohol, two cotton balls, and that blue first aid bag thing, STAT." He spoke like it was deathly important that he got what he needed two minutes ago, and I smiled to myself as I found what he'd asked for. I winced when he peeled the cloth away from his arm and soaked the cotton balls with the alcohol. I'd always hated this when I was younger. I wasn't sure why, but I took his free hand while he dabbed the wound. He squeezed my fingers and smiled at me.

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yeah, a little." I raised my eyebrow, and he smiled wider. "Did you expect me to scream and cry like a schoolgirl?"

The image was actually funny. I shook my head. "No, I guess not."

He leaned forward and kissed my lips. "Good. You need to clean up, too, babe. You look like you've been snacking on necks all night long."

I glanced in the mirror. My chin was bloody, probably from when I bit him. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"When were you going to tell me you were a vampire, huh?"

I knew he was just joking and trying to make me laugh, but the question brought up all the times I'd been called that because of my skin. "I thought you knew already." I held my arms out, not sure if I wanted to call him out on his unintentional insult, or if I wanted to play along.

He made me look at him. "Ness, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"I know you didn't. I'm not upset; it's just hard to forget all the people that called themselves my friends laughing at me over it." I shrugged.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed my head. "I love you, Nessie."

I hugged him back tightly. "I love you, too. What do we need to do next?"

He pulled back and opened the first aid bag. "Now I guess we figure out how to cover it. I haven't been in this thing for a while; I don't even remember what all I have."

He dumped everything out on the counter, and I picked out a large piece of gauze and some medical tape. "These might work."

"Yeah, I imagine so. Want to play nurse?" He held his arm out.

I picked up the washcloth and rinsed it out before I wiped down the rest of his arm. "If you promise to actually tell me if I hurt you, then yes."

"I promise. For the most part. You know, my sexy Nurse Nessie sounds good."

I rolled my eyes and dabbed the wound. "I'm sure it does." I hadn't really looked at it until now. I was surprised by how big it really was. He was right that compared to a broken arm or something, it was small, but it still a little unnerving how I could make out the shape of my teeth from the front incisors to the canines on the top. The bottom had scraped him more, and it was where most of the blood seemed to have come from.

When I had the mark and everything around it clean, I put on some Neosporin. He grunted, and I looked up at him. He admitted—reluctantly, of course—that the pressure hurt a little bit. I tried to be gentler. I put the gauze in place and taped it down, covering all of the edges.

"Do you think that will be enough, or do you need something to go around your arm?" I wasn't sure the bandage would really hold all that well.

He lifted up his arm, and I looked up at him. "I don't know. Let's see how this survives the rest of the night, okay?"

I nodded and rinsed the washcloth again to clean off his chest. When that was done, he took the rag from me to wipe me down. I smiled to myself when he insisted on cleaning my breasts over my shirt. He just smirked and kissed me. "How are you feeling, Ness?"

I stood up on my toes to kiss him again. "I'm all right. Tired, though." Now that everything had been taken care of, my head was starting to get cloudy.

Jake nodded and turned the bathroom light off. Everything was pitch dark, and I grabbed his hand tightly. "I got you, babe. Let's get back to bed."

The clock on the nightstand was the only light in the room, but I trusted Jake to lead me. We made it to bed just fine, and I pushed myself close to him when we laid down. I wasn't surprised to find that it was only two o'clock in the morning. Although I did feel bad that Jake had to get back up in a few hours.

"Get some sleep, baby," he said softly.

I kissed his neck. "You too, Jake." I closed my eyes, and I was out within only a few minutes.

* * *

Jake's bandage had to be redone when we got up. One corner of the tape had come off, and I wouldn't let him wear a mediocre bandage to work where God knows what could get in it. And it needed to be changed, anyway. He let me play nurse again. I cleaned everything up and put a new gauze pad down, then wrapped some fabric tape around his arm. He laughed when I was done with it.

"I'm going to get a lot of questions about this, you know."

My eyes widened. "You won't tell them what happened, will you?"

He leaned down to kiss me. "No, baby. Thank you, by the way."

I was so relieved. "For what?"

"For this." He tapped the bandage.

"Oh. You're welcome." I touched his arm lightly and leaned in to rest my head on his chest. He wrapped his other arm around me and held tightly for a moment.

"I need to finish getting ready, babe." He kissed my head and pulled back to get a shirt out of his closet. We went out to the kitchen, and I remembered that I had planned on making something for him. It was too late now, though. Maybe I could figure something out and have dinner cooked for him when he got home.

After we ate some pop tarts for breakfast, he went to the living room to get his boots on. I never really liked it when he left for work, but there was something different about this morning. I couldn't say why, but I was afraid to say goodbye to him. I sat closer than usual and watched his fingers tie the laces. When he was done, he kissed my forehead and stood up. I got up slowly beside him and told myself I was going to be fine. This wasn't any different than any other day that he'd left for work.

Except it was. It was different because last night we'd gotten so much closer than ever before. It was also different because I'd bit him like a crazy person.

"You okay, Ness?" Jake asked as he put his keys in his pocket.

I looked up at him and nodded, trying to be convincing. It didn't seem to work. He looked at his watch and came over to pull me into a tight hug.

"I love you, baby."

I nodded into his chest and held him back just as hard as he was holding me. "I know. I love you, too."

He pulled back and kissed me. "You'll be okay today?"

I nodded again. "Yeah, I'll be okay." I hoped.

"Call me if you need anything. I mean that. I need to go, though." He kissed me again before he went to get his lunch from the kitchen. He gave me one last kiss before he left.

I knew he had to. It wasn't rational to feel like my heart was breaking as he started the car. My stomach hurt, and I wrapped my arms around it as I walked back to the bedroom and climbed onto Jacob's bed. I started to pull the covers over me when I saw a dark red spot. It wasn't hard to tell what it was. My shirt still had a few of them since I hadn't changed yet. Instead of getting up and changing the sheets, I put my fingers over the blood stain and sniffled. When had I started to cry? It didn't really matter. Not a whole lot seemed to matter at that moment. I curled myself up as much as I could and held the blanket close as I soaked it with tears.

It was after one o'clock when my stomach finally convinced me to get out of bed. I was hungry, but nothing sounded good. In fact, almost everything sounded really gross. I found an apple that looked decent in the fridge, so I cut it up and ate it while I searched for something else. As I rummaged around in the cupboards, I tried to figure out something to make for dinner. I realized after the second cupboard that I wasn't really seeing anything. I wasn't even trying. I told myself I was just so I didn't have to admit the truth. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, though, it was pretty damn obvious that I wasn't okay. It didn't seem right to be depressed like this after the amazing day I'd had the day before. All I really wanted to do was crawl back in bed and cry.

Dammit, I didn't want Jake to go to work wounded and come home only to have to figure out what to make for dinner. It wasn't fair to him. The very least I could do was figure it out. I took a deep breath and started to go through my options again. There wasn't a ton to pick from, but that may have been a good thing. I felt a little overwhelmed, even with the limited choices. In the end, I decided to make tuna melts. It seemed basic enough; tuna on bread with cheese and baked for a few minutes. I set everything out that didn't need to stay refrigerated, then I gave in and went back to the bedroom.

I didn't sleep. I just laid there and stared blankly across the room at nothing while I held the blanket in my hands. I knew it was gross. Granted, there wasn't a huge amount of blood on it, but I shouldn't be touching it like this. It was morbid. It was what a crazy person would do.

Then again, hadn't I always been a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'd finally just cracked.

I got up at three-forty-five to start dinner. It was earlier than we usually ate, but Jake was always hungry when he got home regardless. My chest hurt like it did when I remembered my dad, but there weren't any memories crushing me. My mind was surprisingly blank. It was difficult even to focus on what I was doing as I set the oven temperature and put the slices of bread on a baking sheet. I wiped my face a few times and wondered where the tears were coming from. My hands were shaking by the time I had the tuna ready to put on the bread. As I scooped it out, something happened.

Nothing actually changed. Not that I could tell, anyway. But my hands dropped the bowl onto the stove, and my chest ached so badly that all I could do was step back and wrap my arms around myself. I swayed as I sobbed, and somehow I found myself sitting down. I couldn't say if I fell or what, but I backed up into the corner by the sink and brought my knees up to my chest. I didn't know what was happening, and it scared me. I cried both from fear and this unknown thing.

I hadn't realized how long I'd been crying until the door opened. A sudden, wrenching fear swept through me so harshly that it drove everything else away. In that moment, I understood everything. The strange, unidentified thing I'd been feeling all day became so crystal clear. It shouldn't have been so confusing. I'd felt like this before, but on a much smaller scale. I was certain that after what happened, he was going to ask me to leave. There wasn't a man alive that could honestly forgive his girlfriend for biting him the way I'd done.

"Nessie?" Jake asked. He sounded concerned. "What's the matter, baby?" He knelt down in front of me. "Are you hurt?"

What could I say? Physically, I wasn't hurt, but . . . God, I didn't know. I shook my head just to let him know I wasn't dying. Yet.

He unwrapped my arms from around my legs and helped me stand up. He looked over at the stove. Somehow the bowl had landed upright, and nothing was spilled. It looked as if I'd just set it there. "What happened?"

I licked my lips and tried to say something. I couldn't think of anything, though. What was the right way to tell your boyfriend you've honestly gone insane? I shook my head again and pushed myself into him. His arms felt so good around me. I didn't ever want to pull away.

"Bad day?" he asked as he gently petted my hair down my back.

I wondered if it was really that easy. If those two words could really explain what happened. I just nodded because I didn't feel like examining it in that moment. I just wanted to feel close to him. Even if he was going to ask me to leave soon, I needed to feel like he still loved me for a little bit longer. He pulled away to turn off the oven, and I closed my eyes tightly as I prayed he came back to me. He didn't just come back. He picked me up and carried me out to the couch where he held me tightly only his lap. I could almost believe that nothing bad had happened between us and everything was fine. Until he moved his arm wrong and tensed up, that is.

I pushed back to sit up on his lap and sniffled as I wiped my face. "How was your day?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Not bad. I got a lot of questions about my arm like I thought I would." He kissed my forehead.

I nodded and turned to look at the bandage. It had held up surprisingly well. "What did you tell them?" I lightly touched his skin on one side of the tape.

"Just that it was an accident and none of their business."

"Did it make anything difficult?" I looked up to meet his eyes.

He shook his head. "No, everything was fine."

"Does it hurt?" I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Did I want him to admit he was done right now?

"It's a little sore, yeah, but it's all right. What about you, babe? Did anything specific happen today that made it bad?" He rubbed my back.

I took a deep breath and tried to tell him the truth without pushing him to kick me out. The fact that I had nowhere else to go didn't scare me. I just didn't want to lose him. "I've just been . . . depressed I guess. I spent a lot of time in bed again."

He nodded and kissed the side of my head. "Is it your dad?"

I didn't want to answer him. I couldn't lie to him, but if I told the truth it would only make everything end so much sooner. I put it off as long as I could. It was only a few minutes before he prodded me to tell him. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned into him as I shook my head. God, please just let me have a few more good memories to leave with. In the few seconds before he spoke again, I remembered everything that had happened last night. I remembered the feel of him in my hands and the look on his face when he reached his orgasm. I remembered how wonderful it was to be so close. I really wished I had been able to make love with him. That would have been at the top of my memories instead of just touching him.

His arms tightened around me again, and I clung to him desperately. "What is it, baby?"

I felt so sick. "I really think I'm crazy," I heard myself say. Once it was out, it was like I couldn't shut up again. "I didn't want you to leave this morning. I laid in bed instead of changing the sheets. I wanted to be close to you again, and I couldn't . . . I couldn't wash the blood out. That's why I didn't change my clothes." I told myself to stop talking, but I didn't listen. "I'm so sorry, Jake. I know I can't—"

"Shh, baby, it's okay." He pried my face away from his neck and kissed the top of my nose. "You're not crazy, Nessie. You're going to be fine. I promise."

I would be until he pushed me out the door. "I love you." It had to be said.

"I know, baby. I love you, too."

I was so confused. This was where he was supposed to get up and tell me to pack my shit. Nobody wanted to live with someone who hurt them the way I did. "Does this mean I get to stay?"

He pulled back and gave me a strange look. "What do you mean?"

I licked my lips. "I mean, are you going to ask me to leave?"

"Leave where?" He sounded suspicious.

"The house." Wasn't it obvious?

He stared at me for a few long minutes. "Why are you asking me that, Ness? You know I'm not going to ask you to leave."

The same unfamiliar weight in my chest pushed down on me and churned my stomach. "I don't know that. People change their minds all the time."

His brow furrowed, and his eyes seemed to get darker. "You expect me to change my mind about you? Why?"

I tried to lean into him again, but he wouldn't let me. This was it. "Nobody can forgive what I did to you."

He looked down and shook his head. I noticed that his shoulders and arms were rigid. "Nessie, you promised you wouldn't pull this shit anymore." His voice was dark and angry.

"Things change, Jake. People change. I've changed so much for the better because of you, and I . . . I am so thankful to you and everything you've done for me. I can't expect you to still want me after I hurt you like that."

Jake took a deep breath and moved me off his lap to stand up. "I told you last night and this morning that I'm fine. Why do you keep pushing it like this? You bit me; big fucking deal."

I pushed myself into the couch like a coward in the face of his anger. "It is a big deal."

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. My eyes followed the bandage on his arm. "Why are you doing this? You fucking promised me!"

"I promised that I would never ask you to leave again. I never said I wouldn't feel like a piece of shit if I hurt you." That's exactly what I was. Disgusting and disturbed.

He clenched his fists and stood still for a minute, staring at the floor. "Okay, Nessie," he said quietly. It was calmer than I'd expected it to be, and it caught me off guard. "Okay."

"What do you mean?"

He shook his head and turned to walk down the hall. "Just okay."

He left me there sitting on the couch and wondering what the hell he meant. His door slammed shut, and I jumped at the sound. I brought my knees up to my chest and stared after him. I didn't understand anything, and I wasn't sure I wanted to.

A while later—it could have been five minutes or an hour, I had no idea—I finally unraveled myself and got up to finish making Jake's dinner. It was the least I could do for him. He might decide he'd rather eat dirt than something I cooked, but I had to at least try. I was putting the baking sheet in the oven when Jake's door opened again. I closed my eyes as I stood back up and prayed that everything was okay.

I half expected him to come into the kitchen with damp hair wearing just his sweats. I couldn't say why it surprised me when he was still dressed in the clothes he'd worn to work. He had his keys in his hand, and my stomach churned.

"I'm going to Leah's," he said with a sort of quiet resentment that scared me. "I'll be back sometime."

My heart broke as he walked to the door. No 'I love you.' No 'let's think about this.' Just that. "Jake, wait." I ran up to him, praying he at least let me hug him before he walked out.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked as he turned back around, spreading his arms. He hadn't expected me to be so close. The back of his hand hit me right across the face so hard I stumbled backward and lost my balance. I cried out in surprise when I fell to the floor. My cheek stung where his hand had made contact, and I felt a little dizzy. I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head to clear it.

"Oh, God, are you okay?" Jake was kneeling beside me. "Shit, Nessie, I'm sorry. I swear to God I didn't mean to hit you."

I knew he didn't. I knew he would never do anything like that on purpose. I met his eyes, and the look on his face confused me. He looked . . . scared. "I'm okay."

"Fucking Christ," he mumbled as he ran both of his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head again and sat up next to him. "I'm okay, Jake. I know you didn't mean to."

He met my eyes again, and I swear it looked like he was starting to panic. "I'm not like that, Ness. You have to believe me, baby; I swear I would never do that to you."

I put my hands on his wrists and tried to pull his fingers out of his hair before he ripped it out. "Jacob, I know you wouldn't hurt me. I'm fine."

"I fucking hit you, Ness. You're not fine!" He took a deep breath. "How does your head feel? Are you dizzy at all?"

"I was for a minute, but not anymore." How could he blame himself for what happened? It was an accident, and we both knew it. My eyes landed on the bandage on his arm. An accident.

Suddenly I felt like I'd had a huge epiphany. I knew exactly how he could blame himself. It was the same reason that I blamed myself for what I'd done to him. Was this how he felt? Like there wasn't even anything to forgive because it wasn't intentional? My chest hurt for him. I knew how I felt about biting him; if he felt even a fraction of that for hitting me . . . I couldn't stand the thought of him in that much pain.

"Are you sure, Ness? Do you have a headache? I knocked you down, for Christ's sake." He put his hand on my cheek, and I immediately covered it with mine. "You'll probably have a bruise."

I smiled; I really didn't care. "So will you." I put my other hand over the bandage on his arm. "I'm really okay."

He looked down at my hand on his arm for a second before he understood what I was saying. When he did, he sat back and pulled me onto his lap. His eyes were wet, but mine were, too. "Thank you, Nessie," he said softly. "Thank you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my face there. "Why are you thanking me?"

He kissed my cheek, and I winced a little; it was really sensitive. "You forgave me. I can't even . . . You are so amazing."

I kissed his neck and pulled back. "You forgave me for biting you, Jake. I would say I don't know how, but I think I do. You didn't know you were going to hit me. If you knew I was that close, you wouldn't have turned like that. I know that, Jake."

He kissed my lips, and I had never felt more love for him. "Just like I know you wouldn't have gone cannibal on me if you knew it was me holding you?"

I laughed and nodded. "Exactly." I kissed him again and rested my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry about earlier. All of today, I guess."

He held me tighter. "Don't be sorry, baby. I guess I understand why you thought I'd be mad. I really thought you'd hate me for hitting you."

"How could I hate you? You're not abusive, Jake. You're the most loving man in the world, and you have done so many great things for me. I could never do anything but love you."

"You could hate me just as easily as I could kick you out of the house."

I furrowed my brow and pulled back. For a brief moment, I didn't understand what he meant, then it clicked. I smiled and kissed him again. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Nessie."

I took a deep breath and realized when I smelled tuna that dinner was probably done. If not burned. "Oh, crap!" I struggled to get up, and Jake helped me.

"What's wrong?" He got up with me.

"I put the tuna melts in the oven. I hope they're okay."

He went with me to the kitchen. Somehow they weren't burnt. They looked just right. "Looks good, Ness."

I smiled. "Really?"

He nodded as he got some plates down for us. "Yes, really." He kissed me.

"Do you need to tell Leah you're not coming over?" I asked as I put a melt on a plate for him.

"No. I didn't call her or anything; I was just going to go over there to blow off some steam. I hate to say this, Nessie, but I'm glad you got too close."

I looked up at him. "I am, too." It meant he stayed here with me and the fight was over.

He touched my cheekbone. "You're already starting to bruise, though."

I winced a little from the pressure. "I'm sure I'll have a shiner."

He chuckled and kissed me. "You probably will."

I grabbed some sodas, and we went to the table to eat. "What do you think?" I asked. It was only the second time I'd ever cooked for him on my own.

He nodded after a few bites. "Damn good, baby. I told you that you were a good cook."

I blushed. We finished the meal mostly in silence. I'd made three for him and two for myself, but I was only able to eat one. He took the second one, claiming it was too good to waste. Jake helped me clean up even though there wasn't much, then we went out to sit on the couch.

He sat down, and I sat on his lap and kissed his lips. "I don't think I ever asked you how your arm is feeling today." I positioned myself so the bandage was pretty much in my lap. "Should we check it?"

"It's a little sore, but it's okay. We'll check it later; right now I just want to hold you." He pulled me into his chest and kissed my head. "How are you, baby?"

I snuggled closer and kissed his neck. "I'm okay. My cheek is still tender, but I think it's feeling better."

He nodded and held me a little tighter. "I've never hit a woman. On purpose, anyway. I've wanted to a few times, but I never have." I looked up at him, and he kissed my lips. "I've been accused of it before, though. More than one girl I've dated has been afraid of me because they think I will. At the first sign of anger, I'm suddenly some violent asshole that wouldn't think twice about strangling them against the fucking door. I'm not like that."

My heart hurt for him. "Oh, Jake. I know you're not like that." I sat up a little straighter and put my hand on his cheek as I kissed his lips. "I'm not afraid of you." I scratched his jaw that he hadn't shaved yet and stared into his eyes. "I never have been. You wouldn't ever hurt me, and I know it."

He smiled, and just the sight of it made everything so much better. "You don't know how good it is to hear that." He kissed me, and neither of us hesitated to deepen it. I couldn't even describe how amazing it was to be on his lap kissing him like this after the day I'd had. I wanted to crawl inside him and never come out. I thought about asking him to go to bed, but as I did, I remembered that the sheets still needed to be changed. I needed to change my clothes, too.

I pulled back and gave him one more light kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too, baby."

"What time is it?" I hadn't ever checked earlier.

Jake looked at his watch. "Six-thirty."

I wasn't sure if it was later than I'd thought or not. It didn't really matter. "What should we do now?"

"This." He leaned back on the couch and pulled me into him so I was resting against his chest. "Just this."

I sighed happily and kissed his neck. "Okay. We need to change the sheets before we go to bed, though."

He nodded against the top of my head. "Yeah."

I thought about earlier and how I'd cried on the red part of the blanket. I didn't understand how I thought that would make me closer to him, but at the time it had felt almost comforting. I wasn't sure if I liked that. "Jake?"

He kissed my forehead. "Yeah, baby?"

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

He pushed me back and stared at me with his eyebrows furrowed. "No, I don't. Why would I think that?"

I shrugged. "I spent most of the day laying in bed and crying on the parts of the blanket that had your blood on it."

He paused for a second before he smirked. "I still don't think you're crazy. It's a little strange, I'll give you that. But that doesn't mean you need a straight jacket. Of course, with your teeth, you could probably chew your way through it in no time."

I couldn't help but smile. "Whatever, Jake. That's not even funny."

"Yes, it is." He tickled my side, and I squirmed.

"Hey! Not fair." I put my hand on his arm in some futile attempt to stop him from doing it again.

"It's fair. If you can call yourself crazy, I can tickle you."

He went after my sides again, and I clutched at his wrists desperately as I giggled and tried to get away. "Stop!" I kicked my feet against the couch, but it didn't do any good. Finally, he stopped for a moment, and I took a deep breath. My smile wouldn't go away. "You win."

He kissed me. "Of course I do." He poked my side again, and I pulled back. "You probably shouldn't question me again."

"Okay." I gave in easily.

"Besides, you'll be seeing a shrink on Tuesday anyway, so it doesn't even matter."

I winced. "Do I have to tell him what happened?"

He was serious again as he nodded. "Yes, baby. He needs to know at least about the nightmares. I want to know how I can help you with them."

I wanted to tell him there was no way he could help me. I just prayed I didn't have another one soon. It had been two weeks since I had the last one; maybe I could go another two weeks. "Hopefully he has the answer to that."

Jacob sucked in a deep breath. "He better."

"What time do we need to be there?" I knew we'd scheduled it so we could basically do it together since I needed him with me. Honestly, I was curious about what would happen with Jake, too.

"Ten o'clock."

I nodded. We stayed on the couch for a while until I started to get tired. I tried to hide it when I yawned, but of course he caught me.

"Tired?" he asked.

I could have shaken my head, but it wouldn't have done any good. "Yeah, I think so."

He nodded and kissed my head. "I need to take a shower. Why don't you get ready for bed while I do that?"

He patted my thigh, and I kissed him one more time before I got up. I changed the sheets on the bed while Jake was in the shower, then I got some new clothes for myself and threw the dirty ones in the hamper. I realized as I did that I had never turned over the laundry after starting it the day before. I'd have to do that tomorrow. I got into bed to wait for Jake. He was taking an unusually long time.

He finally emerged ten minutes later, and I noticed immediately what had taken him so long. Not only had he redone his bandage, he'd also shaved his scruff. I smiled to myself. "I'm going to miss the beard."

He scratched his newly-shaven face. "I won't," he chuckled. "I'm glad it's gone." He rubbed the towel over his hair one more time before dropping it and his clothes in the hamper, then he got in bed beside me. He pulled me up close and kissed me. I hadn't realized how much his facial hair actually poked and scratched me until it was gone. It felt nice to kiss him like this again.

"I think I have to say I am, too." I put my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb over his smooth chin. "You're so handsome either way."

He smirked. "Stop it. You'll give me a complex."

"Whatever, Jake. I love you."

"I love you, too. My very beautiful, sexy, wonderful, amazing girlfriend."

I rolled my eyes. "Who is giving whom a complex?"

"You need one. You're too hot not to have one." He kissed me and pulled me in closer.

That made me laugh. "If I'm too hot not to have one, then it's a crying shame that you don't."

He kissed me deeply then, holding me tightly to his chest. I really wished the day hadn't taken so much out of me emotionally. I didn't want to break the kiss to yawn; I wanted to make out and pull him over me and tell him he could . . . I wanted to make love with him. As much as I wanted it, my head was cloudy. Our first time deserved to be special, and me passing out wouldn't make it special. Besides that, I didn't know if he had any condoms, and I wasn't about to do that without one. I would feel more comfortable if I was on some kind of birth control, too. But I wondered . . . "Jake?"

He rolled to his back, obviously accepting that I was too tired to do much. "Yeah, baby?"

I wasn't sure how to ask. "Um . . . How would I go about getting on birth control?" I'm sure I blushed brightly.

Jake didn't seem bothered by the question. He kissed my lips. "I'm not really sure. I assume you would have to go through a doctor. I think Leah still takes it; she should know."

I nodded and nuzzled closer to him. Everything felt so perfect again as I rested my head on his shoulder with both my arm and my leg wrapped around him. "I love you."

"Love you, too, baby. Get some sleep, okay?"

"You, too."

* * *

A/N: I think I have a thing for ending a chapter at the end of the night when they go to bed, lol.

Thanks for reading! I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	38. Angry

A/N: I've been told by ReneeFF that I must warn everyone to have the ER on speed-dial for this chapter. Apparently it's sexy. So for all my h00rs, enjoy some luvin! Anyone not partial to sexual activities of the pussy-touching variety, I suggest you just don't read. Cuz, honestly, how long have we been waiting for this?

Remember back in chapter 22 (Count On Me) when Nessie said she'd been on her dad's insurance and signed crap for new insurance after his death? It was a while ago. :) Jake found her insurance paperwork a few chapters later. I bring this up now because I've had a few questions about how she's going to pay for her therapy. I know, I know; I ranted on and on about how realistic I'm trying to make this story (I really am trying, lol). I know the insurance thing, the way I've written it, is not realistic. But, like I've said before, I didn't want to make her go through the hassle of getting insurance. I did it this way mostly because writing about Nessie getting on Medicaid and crap like that is boring and takes too much away from the important parts of the story, like sex. And healing. :D I don't imagine it will be too distracting, but feel free to tell me how much you hated it if it bothers you :)

Now on to the chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Angry

_I'm not angry; it's never been enough  
It gets inside and it tears you up  
I'm not angry, and I've never been above it  
You see through me, don't you?_

_And it's good that I'm not angry  
I just need to get over  
I'm not angry  
It's dragging me under  
I'm not angry anymore_

-Angry – Matchbox Twenty

* * *

_**Jacob**_

Ness and I were quite the pair Monday morning. She helped me check on my arm, which was looking a lot better. Thanks to her being the sexiest nurse that ever existed, it wasn't getting infected. It was sore, and I couldn't deny that. It didn't hurt as bad as she was apparently convinced it did, though. I tried to tell her that it was so red because it was healing. If it was infected, it would be burning or puffy or something.

After she doctored my arm, I inspected her face. Unlike me, her cheek wasn't doing so well. Somehow she didn't have a black eye, but she did have a purple spot that ran from the top of her cheekbone to her jaw. Just looking at it made me sick. I should have paid more attention to what I was doing. To her. I'd realized as we sat there on the living room the floor that I had neglected to take my meds that morning. I couldn't remember if I'd taken it the day before or not. It was completely unacceptable; I knew better than to fuck up like that.

I made damn sure I took the pill when we went to the kitchen. "Ness?" I said as I opened the bottle.

She stepped closer to me. "Yeah?"

"Will you do me a favor?" She nodded. "Kick my ass for not taking my medicine."

She smiled and kissed my bicep. "Sure, Jake."

She swatted my ass, catching me by surprise. I hadn't actually expected her to do something. She was heading into dangerous territory now, and I had to go to work. I swallowed the pill then backed her up against the counter, my arms on either side of her. "Think twice before you do that again," I said against her lips. Then I kissed her.

She put her hands on my chest. "Why? You told me to kick your ass."

"I said kick. Not slap. There's a difference."

Her arms slipped up to hold me around my neck. "I'm sorry, Jake." Her eyes told me she was being serious. "I didn't think about it, I guess."

I couldn't let her think she'd upset me. I kissed her again. "I'm not mad about it, babe. It's just that you don't usually do shit like that which makes it really fucking sexy when you do."

She licked her lips and moved one arm down around my waist, inching closer to my ass. "Do you like that?"

"It's not my favorite thing, no. It's just you being comfortable enough to do it I like. I'd like to tap yours, though." I pulled her away from the counter and reached down to pop her lightly on the ass; just an experiment to see how she'd react.

She smiled and did it to me in return. "I see how you are. I don't mind, Jake. Is it okay if I do it to you, though? I, um . . . I kind of like it." She blushed a deep crimson that accentuated the bruise on her cheek. I kissed her lightly.

"I don't mind." I'd put up with it for her.

Her smile brightened as she stood on her toes to kiss me and tried to keep her hand where it was at the same time. It ended up sliding to my hip. Instead of moving back when the kiss ended, she licked her lips hooked two of her fingers through the belt loop of my jeans. "I love you."

I pushed her against the counter again. "I love you, too." I loved having her pinned like this. One day, hopefully soon, I would pin her down while I fucked her. I wasn't sure why I liked that thought so much. I wanted her to trust me enough to know I would give her what she needed without hurting her. As I kissed her, the question she'd asked me the night before rolled around in my head. There was more than one reason for a girl to get on birth control. I knew that because I was dumb enough to joke about it to an ex-girlfriend who promptly chewed my ass out for thirty minutes straight about whacked-out cycles and hormones going berserk. But now, Nessie asked about getting on it. There wasn't even a shred of hope of denying that I wanted it to be because she was ready to have sex.

Nessie whimpered softly into my mouth and gripped my shirt in her little hands as she tried to pull me even closer. I lifted her up onto the counter and pushed myself between her legs as I shoved my tongue back into her mouth. Jesus Christ, she drove me crazy. As I began to lift her shirt so I could feel her skin and maybe play with her tits, she pushed on my chest. I pulled back as much as she would let me—her legs were wrapped tightly around my waist.

"You'll be late for work," she panted.

I didn't give a fuck. I ignored it and pulled her hips closer to me as I brought my mouth down to hers again. She was closer to my height now but still four or five inches shorter. She whimpered, but it didn't sound anything but needy. I palmed her tits under her shirt and wished there was somewhere close I could lay her down so I could push against her the right way. The counter was nice for a quick fuck, but it wasn't the best option for grinding like this. Nessie pulled back again and panted as she put her hand over mine, hers on top of the fabric.

"You'll really be late, Jake. You should probably go." She licked her lips and tightened her legs around me. Seems I wasn't the only one who wanted to keep going.

"What if I told you I didn't care?" I said. I massaged her tit and lightly pinched her tight nipple.

"I, um . . . God, Jake. Won't you get in trouble?"

I probably would. The foreman would get pissed, of course. It had been a long damn time since I'd missed any work, though. They could deal with it. I kissed her lightly, and the responsible side of me decided to pay a visit. Granted, it was only one day, but I wasn't on my own anymore. I had Nessie to support and bills to pay. As much as I hated it, I knew I had to leave. I sighed and kissed her one more time.

"I guess I would."

Her hands slipped up my chest to my shoulders. "Have a good day?"

I squeezed her tit again. "You, too, baby."

She nodded, but her hands gripped my shirt again and tugged, pulling me down to her. I kissed her again, a little surprised by how forward she was being. I loved it, though. I wanted her to know she could always ask for anything, no matter what it was.

As much as I wanted to stay here all day, I had shit to do. I broke the kiss and slid my hand down her stomach to her hip. I told myself I was just going to grind against her a few more times, but then I found myself slipping my fingers between us. Right over her pussy. She jumped and cried out in surprise and something else that sounded like ecstasy, but I couldn't be sure. I didn't know what the fuck came over me, but that wasn't right. I should never have touched her before she said I could. I pulled my hand back quickly.

"I'm sorry, Ness."

She looked up at me with huge, lusty eyes and smiled. "It didn't scare me."

"No?" Did that mean I could touch her when we made out from now on? Suddenly I really wanted to strip her down and finger-fuck her while I ate her out. She probably wasn't ready for that much, though.

"No. But Jake?" She put her hand over mine on her hip, stopping me as I was going in to do it again. "You really need to leave."

Shit. I sighed. "Yeah, I know I do."

Her hand trailed up my arm as she looked at me seductively. "Hurry home?"

"You know I will." I kissed her lips and tried to pull back. Her legs didn't let me. I smiled and put my hands on her hips. "Nessie?"

Her nails lightly scratched my forearms, and it made me shiver. "Yes?"

"I can't leave if you don't let me." I squeezed her thighs.

She smiled shyly as she blushed. "Oh." She finally put her legs down. I helped her off the counter, then I finished getting ready so I could get my ass out of there.

I was already late for work by the time I walked out the door. The foreman tried to get an attitude with me, but I ignored him. I was still unstable, and I didn't want to cause more trouble for myself. I got ready and went into the building to finish up what we'd been doing the day before. Leah hadn't been there the day before, and just like I thought, she asked about the bandage on my arm before she even said hi to me.

The day before, I'd told everyone to mind their own damn business. What happened to me wasn't any of their concern. I knew Leah would only push it until I told her the truth. "I'll tell you later."

She raised an eyebrow. "Embarrassing, is it?"

I smirked. "No, but I'm not telling you here." Ness would be pissed if I told Leah here and someone else overheard me.

Leah pursed her lips. "Okay." She'd probably figured out it had something to do with Ness. The only time I wouldn't tell her shit was if it was something Ness wouldn't want me to say around people she didn't know.

As I worked, I found myself going back and forth between the very obvious fact that Nessie was going to let me touch her pussy tonight and the bruise on her face. There was a part of me that didn't care what she said; what I did was unforgivable. The one thing I swore above anything else was that I would never hurt Nessie. I would never hit her, call her a name, or tell her to get out of my face, no matter how upset I got. Accident or not, I hit her and spoke to her like she wasn't important to me.

I had tried really hard to forget about it after she pointed out the similarity of our situations. I knew she was upset for biting me. I should have known better than to try to hold her down after a nightmare, though. It wasn't her fault that she was trying to get away from whatever had happened in her dream. And, honestly, just like when she slapped me and kneed my balls, I was glad to know that she was able to do that. There was a slim-to-nothing chance that she would ever actually need to protect herself from an attacker, but it still made me happy to know how hard she could bite.

"What's going on, Jake?" Leah asked when we took our lunch. "Something happened, didn't it?"

I sighed. "Yes, but I'll tell you after work."

She nodded like she had expected that answer. "Okay. Is everything all right, though?"

I smiled and patted her shoulder. "Yeah, I think so."

Throughout the last half of my day, Jack kept trying to get close to me. It was like he was hoping I'd say something he could use to piss me off some more. I guess he hadn't gotten it through his head that just standing ten feet away from me did the trick. He never said anything, though. He didn't actually try to approach me or start a conversation, so I did my best to focus on what I was doing and just remember what I would be doing to Nessie later. When I was finally done, I thought about just leaving. Leah caught up to me before I could, though.

"Wanna give me a ride home, Jake?" she asked.

"Sure. I can't stay long, though." I called Nessie—the first time I'd actually called her on the land line I had added to the internet. She sounded fine and just told me to come home soon. She was making dinner again and didn't want it to get cold.

"What are you making?" I asked as I walked with Leah to my car. Leah smirked at me, but I ignored her.

"I thought I'd try something a little more difficult, so I'm doing meatloaf. We're out of meat now, by the way."

I laughed. "Okay. We'll go shopping tomorrow after therapy. Love you."

"I love you, too, Jake. See you when you get home."

I hung up, and Leah shook her head. "What?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Nothing. Just you." We got into the car. "So first of all, tell me what the hell happened to your arm. Did you stab yourself with something?"

I smirked. "No. Nessie bit me."

Leah's eyes widened. "What? Why?"

I took a deep breath and decided to tread carefully. I knew Nessie wasn't even too fond of me knowing about her nightmares, so I didn't want to go into much detail about them. There had to be a middle ground somewhere, though. "She was having a nightmare, and I tried to wake her up from it." I mentally smacked myself. _Nice one, dipshit._

"That must have been some nightmare."

I nodded. "You have no idea."

Leah raised her eyebrow. "Like what, was she dreaming of having to eat her way out of shit?"

"No." My tone made her drop the smirk. "Leah, it's complicated. She doesn't want me to talk about it to anyone, okay? All you need to know is that it was an accident, and I'm fine."

Leah nodded. "Okay. So what else is going on? I can tell that's not what's depressing you."

I rubbed my forehead and turned down her street. "No, it's not. It's . . ." I was actually nervous to tell Leah about what happened. In all the time we'd been together and as many fights as we'd had, I never hit her even accidentally. A part of me knew she'd understand, but there was still that fear that I'd be accused of beating Ness.

Leah put her hand on my arm, but took it back when I pulled into her driveway. "Come in for a minute, Jake. Please?"

I nodded, and we both went inside. Sam wasn't home yet, which was a damn good thing. I didn't want to have to deal with his ass, too. "Ness is making meatloaf, though, so I need to leave sometime soon."

"You don't like meatloaf."

I shrugged. "Does it really matter? Nessie's cooking for me, all on her own. I'm sure it'll be edible."

Leah smiled and tugged my hand to sit with her on the couch. "Sure, you'll eat Nessie's meatloaf, but not mine."

"Of course." I put my arm around her shoulders and took a deep breath. "How badly would I have to fuck up before you never forgave me?" I asked.

She furrowed her brow. "I don't know. I can't think of much I couldn't forgive. I guess if you hurt Sam—more than just a punch or something stupid like that—or if you started being an asshole to Nessie like you were to me. No, that I could forgive. I'd just kick some sense in to you. If you went on a killing spree and murdered a bunch of children; that I couldn't. Why?"

I leaned my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes. "Yesterday, Nessie and I got into a fight. She was upset because she'd convinced herself I was going to kick her out after she bit me. I forgot to take my meds. I was going to come over here and just chill out a little, but then she told me to wait. I asked her what the fuck she wanted, and when I turned around I hit her."

Leah gasped and sat back. "You hit her? Jacob, that's . . . what the fuck! Please tell me you didn't mean to."

I leaned forward and shook my head. "Of course I didn't fucking mean to. I thought she was still in the kitchen, but she was right there when I turned. God, the sound she made when she fell. I fucking knocked her to the ground." I ran my fingers through my hair and shook my head again.

"Did she get upset about it?"

I laughed once, but there was no humor in it. "No. She told me that she knew I'd never hurt her on purpose, then she basically said it wasn't any different from her biting me."

She nodded and rubbed my shoulder. "You shouldn't beat yourself up about this, Jake. If she forgave you, then you need to let it go."

"You haven't seen her face, Leah. I can't just let it go when there's a huge fucking bruise staring back at me."

She pursed her lips. "Is she still convinced you're gonna kick her to the curb?"

"No. I mean, I can't say for sure that she's completely gotten over it, but she seemed a lot happier this morning. And she kind of let me touch her pussy."

"Okay. Well, just think about this: Every time you look at her, you see the reminder of what you did. It was an accident, sure, but it still happened. And every time she looks at you, she sees the same thing." She tapped the bandage on my arm. I drew back a little; it kind of hurt. "The most important thing is that she forgave you, right?"

I smiled. "Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Of course I am. Now go impress Nessie with how much meatloaf you can devour, then show her how good you are at fingering a pussy." She stood up, and I followed her.

"I don't know if I'll get that far, but we'll see." I really fucking hoped I could.

Leah patted my arm. "Well, however far you do get, I'm sure she'll love it."

I smirked. "By the way, thank you for Saturday. Whatever the hell you said to her got her to try on that outfit you gave to her. It fits her perfectly."

She smiled hugely. "I knew it would! She said she was scared to show it to you, though."

I shrugged. "She was. It took a while, but we worked through it. I have to say you picked a good one."

She looked proud. "I know I did. I'm glad she was able to show you. Now get your ass out of here and go home."

She pushed me, and I chuckled as I went to the door. "All right. See you Wednesday."

"Oh, hey, that reminds me. Good luck tomorrow." She winked at me.

I rolled my eyes with a smile. "Yeah. Thanks. Bye."

She raised her arm as she walked to the kitchen, and I just left.

Nessie bounced up to me almost as soon as I had the door open. She was so sexy in a pair of dark blue leggings that ended at her knees and a white tank top. Her hair was down the way I loved it, and it flowed over her shoulders down to her elbows. She was all smiles as she stood on her toes to kiss me. "Welcome home," she said sweetly.

"Thanks, baby. How was your day?" I absolutely loved it when she was happy like this. It made everything in the world so much better. I lightly touched her cheek and wished I could make the bruise go away.

She stepped back and shrugged. "It was pretty decent. I missed you." She licked her lips and looked down. "A lot."

I smiled and kissed her head. "I missed you, too, baby." She looked up at me for just a brief second, but she was blushing with a smirk. She was hiding something. "What is it?"

Her smile expanded. "It's nothing. I've just kind of been thinking about what happened this morning. You know . . . And, um . . ." She started to pick at her fingernails as she stared down at them. "I'm looking forward to tonight."

I pulled her close to me and made her look up at me. I kissed her lips, deepening it for just a moment, then I nibbled her unbruised cheek to her ear. "I am, too," I said. She shivered, and I smiled to myself.

She cleared her throat and stepped back. "I need to check on the meatloaf."

I realized as I followed her to the kitchen that the house smelled pretty damn good. I told her so and watched her smile proudly as she opened the oven. She said it wasn't done yet and put everything back, then she turned to me again.

"I have no idea how much longer it's going to be. The recipe said to cook it for an hour, but it's already been in there forty-five minutes and it's still bloody." She sighed dejectedly. "I don't know what I did wrong."

I didn't know the first thing about meatloaf, so I didn't even know what to suggest. I rubbed her arm and thought of the basics. "Did you double-check the temperature?"

She nodded. "Five times, actually."

Damn, she really didn't want to mess this up. Whatever the problem was, though, I was pretty sure it wasn't her fault. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her head. "I love you, baby."

She squeezed my waist and nodded into my chest. "I love you, too." She took a deep breath and pulled back. "Why don't you go take a shower while I try to figure this out, okay?" She looked up at me.

I kissed her lips. "Okay. I'm sure everything will be fine."

She smiled, but it wasn't hard to tell it was fake. "Thanks. Go get clean. I need your hips to cheer me up."

I chuckled and kissed her one more time. "You got it, babe."

Just before I pulled away, she popped me lightly on the ass like she had that morning. She blushed brightly as she quickly turned to stare at the open cookbook on the counter. I decided not to call too much attention to it, but I couldn't let it go completely. I swatted her ass and left the room. I heard her giggling as I walked away, and it made me smile.

I took a quick shower and shaved. I had to admit I was happy that Leah had told Nessie I didn't like facial hair. It was so much easier this way. When I was finished, I put on a pair of black jersey shorts and made sure they sat low enough to show my hips, then I went back out to join Nessie in the kitchen.

She was leaning down with her elbows on the counter and her ass sticking out as she rested her weight on one leg. The other was bent with her bare foot on her knee. Her brow was furrowed as she read something silently from the cookbook. Her lips moved as she focused intently on whatever she was reading. I leaned against the doorframe to just watch her for a minute. It was a crime that she didn't believe me when I told her how hot she was. My eyes followed the seductive line of her back down to her hips and the peach-like curve of her ass. Her legs were long, and the leggings she was wearing only made them look more appetizing. I couldn't wait to get myself between them later.

She gave a frustrated sigh and stood up. "I did all that," she grumbled. "I made sure I did it all. What the hell did I do to screw it up?" She ran her hands through her hair and turned like she was going to leave the room. She stopped short when she saw me. "Oh! Jake, you startled me. How long have you been standing there?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "Not long. You were too sexy to interrupt."

She blushed and rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

I pushed away from the doorframe and stepped up to her. My hands went to her hips and pulled her closer. "You're always too sexy."

She laughed and put her hands on my stomach. "You remind me of a song I heard on the radio today." I had a feeling I knew which one it was. I asked anyway. "The one that says, 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' and all that. You know, you really are."

I snorted and leaned down to kiss her. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Her hands slipped slowly down to my hips, and she looked up at me through her lashes. "So much."

Goddammit, could we just skip dinner and go right to bed? I kissed her deeply and thought about either pushing her against the counter or carrying her to the bedroom. Before I could do either one, though, something started to beep. It was loud and high-pitched enough to break my concentration, and I pulled back to give Ness a questioning look.

She smiled and pulled away to pick something up off the counter. "Timer," she explained. "I found it in the junk drawer. It works. Obviously." She blushed and turned the damn thing off. "I guess let's see how uncooked it is now." She sighed and turned to open the oven.

I stared at her ass and decided I'd tell her to forget about it if it wasn't done yet. She'd tried, which was really all that mattered to me. Either the recipe or the oven was faulty; not her. She pulled the pan out and set it on the stove before she closed the oven and turned to me.

"Will you look at this for me, Jake? It looks done, but I'm not sure I trust myself." She held out the knife she'd used.

I took it from her and kissed her head. "Sure, babe." I checked a few spots, all the while thinking that it smelled too good to be meatloaf. It usually smelled nasty. Then again, this was Nessie's creation. "It's done. Whatever you did fixed the problem."

She turned the oven off and sighed. "But I didn't do anything."

I shrugged. "You're just good like that then."

She smiled and went to set the table. I sighed to myself. Seemed getting her to bed was going to have to wait a few more minutes. I took the pan to the table, and we sat down to eat. Either Nessie was the world's best cook or I just loved her too much to dislike anything she made, because it wasn't half bad. I raised my eyebrow and took another bite.

Nessie was staring at me. I stopped chewing and raised my eyebrow at her. She licked her lips. "How is it?"

I swallowed. "Really good."

She beamed. "Really?"

I smirked. "Let me put it to you this way, babe. I don't like meatloaf. I never have. Even when my mom made it, I made up excuses to get out of eating it. I don't know what you did to it, but I wouldn't mind if you made this again sometime."

Her smile widened. "I'm glad you like it." She seemed almost giddy as we finished the meal. I was a little surprised when I felt her feet wrap around my ankle. I didn't say anything about it, though. I just rubbed her leg a little with my other foot. When we were done eating, I helped her clean up and get the leftovers put away.

"Tired at all?" I asked, pulling her close to me in the kitchen. She shook her head. "No? What would you like to do then?"

She licked her lips and blushed. "I'm not tired, but I do kind of want to go to bed." She looked down and pushed her forehead against my chest.

I hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "I was hoping you'd say that." I pulled away only to take her hand and lead her back to the bedroom. I was already pitching a tent, but she didn't seem to mind much when I kissed her and pulled her into me tightly. I started to lift her shirt, and she tensed up. She broke the kiss and took a deep breath before she nodded. I smiled and lifted it over her head. I palmed her tits and pushed her back gently until she hit the bed. She held my wrists as she laid down, pulling me with her.

I kissed her roughly and skimmed my hand over her thigh, up to her hip. I wasn't gentle like I should have been as I made her spread her legs. She whimpered into my mouth, but her hips bucked up and her hands held me tighter. I took it as encouragement and slid my palm over her pussy. Even over her pants, she was fucking warm.

Nessie gasped and pulled back, her eyes closed. "Oh, my God." It was needy and desperate, so I rubbed her softly, putting just a little pressure over where her clit should be. Her back arched, and her fingers scratched my shoulder blade as her hand curled into a fist. It made me shiver.

"Do you like that, Ness?" I asked.

She nodded and whimpered. I smiled and moved my hand faster. She turned her head and moaned into my chest. I thought about rubbing my dick as I touched her, but I knew I wanted her to do it. I kissed her head and pulled my hand away.

She whimpered again, and it sounded disappointed. She looked up at me. "Jake?"

I kissed her lips. "Don't worry, babe. I think we need to make some goals, though."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, first of all, I want to know how you would feel about me touching you under your pants." I rubbed her thigh lightly.

She swallowed and looked down at her legs. "You mean, I take them off?" She glanced back up at me, and the fear in her eyes was unmistakable.

I shook my head. "No, baby. If you're not comfortable with taking them off, then I could just slip my hand under them. I really want to feel your pussy."

She took a deep breath. "We could try."

"Good, baby. So good. What about fingering?"

She licked her lips. "What?"

I kissed her again. "Fingering is where I fuck you with my fingers."

She whimpered and squirmed, and the lust in her eyes drove me crazy. "We could try that, too."

"You are so amazing, Nessie. There's one more thing I want to ask."

She nodded. "Okay."

I moved my hand to her arm and pulled gently. "I want to know if you would feel comfortable rubbing my dick while I touch you."

She let me take her arm and put her hand on my dick over my shorts. She swallowed and took another deep breath. "Your hand won't be on mine, will it?"

I shook my head. "No."

"I don't really know what I'm doing."

I made her look at me and kissed her lips. "Yes you do, baby. You've done it before. Just follow my lead. If you get nervous, you can always stop or ask me anything, okay?"

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded. "Okay. Will you, um . . ." she blushed brightly and tried to hide an embarrassed smile. "Take your shorts off?"

I chuckled. "Yes, baby. Are you ready?"

She met my eyes and nodded again. I sat up long enough to get rid of my shorts, then I laid back down beside her and kissed her deeply. Without me even having to prompt her, she reached down and wrapped her fingers around my shaft tightly. It felt so fucking good. I groaned and slid my hand along the waistband of her pants, slipping my fingertips under a little. She seemed to tense up for a minute, but she squeezed my dick and relaxed again. God, I hoped she did that again.

Her pussy was already dripping wet. The feel of her so warm and slick made my dick twitch. She jumped a little and moved back.

"What did I do?" she asked, alarmed.

I tried not to laugh. "Nothing, baby. I just really like feeling your pussy. That might happen again; don't worry about it, okay? It's normal." I pulled her back close to me and continued exploring her wet lips.

She gripped my dick again and swallowed. "Okay."

I watched her face as I moved around and found her clit. Her body jerked, and her eyes widened as she gasped. Her fingers, already tight around my dick, clamped down. I leaned my head down to groan into her neck and just kept working her clit. The little nub hardened against my fingers, and her body began to shake. The sounds she made turned me on more than anything else, and I pulled back to watch her face. Her hand on me pumped faster as if she suddenly knew exactly what she was doing. Her free hand was fisted in the pillow above her head, and she turned her head to moan loudly into her wrist.

I kissed her cheek and made my move. I paid as much attention to her as I could and slipped my fingers down to push one inside her. Holy motherfucker . . . I had never felt a tighter pussy. Then again, I'd never fingered a virgin before. I moved slowly at first to see how she reacted to it. She was tense, and she'd stopped shaking, but she hadn't asked me to stop yet.

"Are you okay, baby?" I asked. I pushed deeper and started to move a little faster.

She licked her lips. "I think . . . I don't know . . . I mean—"

I kissed her lips and pushed my finger deeper. "Does it feel good?"

She whined. "Oh, yes. It feels very good."

"Focus on that, Ness. I know you're nervous, but focus on the pleasure." Her hips rolled, and her eyes closed as she breathed another whimper. I smiled and kissed her hair. "I'm so proud of you, Nessie." I pushed another finger inside her and started to rub her clit again with my thumb.

Her back arched, thrusting her chest into the air, as she screamed louder than she had before. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her deeply as she writhed. I told myself to hold off for her; let her cum first, then I could. But fuck; she was too goddamn sexy. She bucked her hips in time with my movements as she started to shake again.

Suddenly, her body tensed up and she stopped breathing for a second. She broke the kiss and let out a strangled cry as her stomach clenched and her pussy tightened around my fingers. The rush of wetness that always turned me on when I made a girl cum did me in. I growled and leaned my head down to bite her shoulder as I let go, cumming on her again. It hit her stomach and side this time.

We were both panting as she pulled her hand away and went boneless beside me. I pulled my hand out of her pants and looked at my fingers, shining from her orgasm. There was no way in hell I could stop myself from licking them to taste her. I groaned; of course she'd be sweeter than anyone else.

"Jake?"

I looked down at her. "Yeah, baby?"

"Why did you do that?" She sounded borderline disgusted.

I smiled. "I like it."

She furrowed her brow. "You like that? It's so. . . Really?" Her nose scrunched up in the cutest way.

I kissed her. "Yes, really. I've always liked it. Yours is really nice, though." I sucked on my middle finger to taste her again.

Nessie looked down at her stomach for a second before she sat up. "Is that normal? I mean, what people usually do?" She swiped up a spot of cum from just under her belly button and stared at her fingers.

I realized what she was trying to ask. I sat up with her and kissed her head. "Different people have different preferences. Some enjoy it, others don't. I happen to be one that does. If you want to try it, Ness, I won't lie and say it's not really fucking hot to see you sitting there like that, but don't do it if you don't want to."

She took a deep breath and put her hand down. She smiled up at me. "Thank you. I really wasn't sure I wanted to."

I kissed her lips. "Don't ever force yourself to do anything, especially sexual. Just because I like something doesn't mean you have to, okay?"

"Okay. Can we go clean up now?" She looked a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah." I helped her off the bed, and we went into the bathroom together. "I'm curious, Ness."

She looked up at me. "About what?"

"Are you okay with this?" I gestured to my body. "I mean me being naked like this."

She blushed and stared into the sink as she got a washcloth wet. "Yeah. I, um . . . I like it."

I smiled and kissed her head. "Good. Are you okay being half-naked?" I rubbed her bare back.

"I don't know. It's weird . . . I mean, you, I'm fine with. Me, not so much."

"That's okay, baby. Do you want your shirt?"

She leaned into me and kissed my chest. "Yes, please."

I went to get her shirt and put my shorts on in the process. I was happy to know that she was okay with me being naked, but it was still weird going around the house without anything on.

Once she was dressed again, we decided to watch a movie. She wanted something sickeningly romantic so we could snuggle close and be "affectionate and sentimental" after what had happened. Her words, not mine. I didn't mind, though. I'd do pretty much anything for her after what she let me do to her. I had a few romance movies that had been given to me by ex-girlfriends. Nessie didn't seem bothered by where they came from, and it made me happy.

I held her close and paid more attention to her than I did to the TV. She was more interesting anyway. She nuzzled her face in my chest any time the guy in the movie said something sweet. I ignored the overly-ridiculous lines and tightened my arm around her. When the movie was over, it was getting close to ten o'clock.

"Tired?" I asked.

She yawned and smiled as she nodded. "Yeah."

We went to bed and kissed her deeply as she laid down beside me. "I love you, Nessie."

"I love you, too."

She settled down and fell asleep within a few minutes. I envied her of that. I stayed awake for a while longer, listening to her breathe and trying to relax enough to fall asleep. My thoughts were a jumbled mix of what had happened earlier and what was going to happen the next day. I prayed Dr. Furst had some answers for Ness about her dreams. If he didn't, I was going to find someone who did. She shouldn't have to live with them.

* * *

Nessie woke me up the next morning at eight o'clock. I didn't want to get up, but I knew we had to. Once I was up and around, I realized that she was nervous about something. I figured it was probably just therapy.

She was standing in front of the closet trying to decide what to wear, and I walked up behind her. "You okay, baby?"

She leaned back against me and put her hands over mine on her shoulders. "I don't know. I'm scared. I mean, I've been nervous about this for a while, but now I'm really nervous. I don't know how to cover this bruise."

Aw, shit. I hadn't thought about that. Fuck. "What about makeup?"

"I guess I could try that. What if it doesn't work, though?"

My question exactly. I kissed the top of her head. "Give it a shot, and if it doesn't work, we'll think of something else, okay?"

She pulled away to turn around and kiss my chest. "Okay. Thank you."

As it turned out, her makeup worked fine. If I didn't know there was a bruise there already, I wouldn't have been able to tell it was there. I got all of her paperwork together, and we left.

* * *

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be grateful, pissed off, or impressed when we walked out of Dr. Furst's office. Both Nessie and I had prescriptions to fill, and we both had specific instructions on what to do the next time Nessie had a nightmare. I didn't like the idea of letting her ride it out until she was really awake, but he had said I could hurt her more if I tried to interfere. Nessie had seemed uncomfortable when she told him about them, especially the latest one. She had confessed that the dead version of herself hurt me, and that she was trying to get to me when she woke up.

He did give me some things to try to help her with them, though. It seemed strange to me that talking about them and coming up with a different ending would help, but he was the expert. I hoped. He had also given her a medication that was supposed to help with them, along with another one that was supposed to help with the rest of her PTSD symptoms.

We had talked about medication for me for a while. Surprisingly, he didn't seem anything but understanding when we told him what had happened when I hit her. He said that that those types of reactions could be controlled better with the right kind of therapy. He told me to keep taking the antipsychotic and gave me a mood stabilizer to add to it. He also told me that like Nessie needed to talk about her nightmares and shit, I needed to talk about what pissed me off. Even the little things. He didn't want me to wait a week and tell him about it, though. No, he wanted me to tell Nessie. Fuck that. She didn't need to hear all the shit that went on in my head. Leah might listen, though.

"I don't even know how to pronounce this," Nessie said as we got in the car. She was holding up one of her prescriptions.

"Let me see." I held out my hand, and she gave it to me. "Nor . . . wow. Nortriptyline. Saythat ten times fast."

Nessie laughed and nodded. "No kidding. That was the one for the serotonin thing, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. It's the antidepressant. The other one, the Prazosin, is for your nightmares."

She took a deep breath. "Yeah. Jake, I don't want to see him without you."

I sighed. "I know, Ness. I'm not happy about it either." Dr. Furst had said we were co-dependent and needed to work up to seeing him separately. I didn't like the idea. I kind of wanted to tell him to fuck off and die. Nessie needed me, and goddammit, I was going to be there for her. "But, he did say work up to it and also that it could help you more."

"I don't see how." She flipped through the prescriptions again.

"Me neither, baby. We'll ask him about it next week, okay?"

She smiled. "Okay."

We filled our medications and got some groceries. It was fun to watch her go down each aisle and pick out what she wanted. She hesitated on some things and always chose the least expensive thing. I told her she didn't need to do that, but she insisted that she didn't need the expensive, brand name things. Generic was just as good. I just shrugged and let her do it her way. When we finished, we went home, and Nessie helped me carry everything in and get it put away.

She stood at the counter and looked at her two pill bottles. I set my mood stabilizer next to the other one and smiled at her. "Now we'll both have to remind each other to keep on top of this shit."

She nodded and stepped closer to me. "You'll remind me every day, and I'll remind you. That way neither of us will forget."

I kissed her lips. "Sounds like a plan. Take your meds, baby."

She smiled. "Okay, but only if you do."

I got a glass of water and took the meds, then handed the cup to her. "Your turn."

She sighed and looked at the pills in her hand for a second before taking them. She made a face after she took a drink. "Oh, my God, those are nasty!"

I chuckled. "At least you don't have to chew them."

"You'd think they put a flavor on them or something. At least so they taste better than a rusty tin can."

"You haven't tasted the flavored ones, Ness. They're even worse."

She shook herself and took another drink. "Only one a day, right?"

I nodded. "Yep, that's what the doc said. What should we do now?"

Nessie shrugged. "I don't care. You choose."

"All right. Then I say you dance with me again."

She blushed. "Really?"

"Of course. Come on." I pulled her hand a little, and she gave in. I hoped that if I did this right, she'd want to go to bed when we were done. In the living room, I got the music set up and pulled her up close to me. "I love you, Nessie," I said as I led her.

She smiled and leaned her head against my chest. "I love you, too."

Most of what I had chosen were slow songs designed to rile her up. It seemed to be working as she slid her hands up to my chest and looked up at me with the most beautiful look in her brown eyes. It was a look I knew well, and I leaned down to kiss her.

"Are you excited for Saturday?" Nessie asked when she pulled back.

I smiled. "I'm looking forward to seeing you in that dress again."

She blushed. "I have to admit I'm really looking forward to seeing you in a tux."

"I bet you are."

"You'll be very handsome."

I scoffed. "As if I'm not already."

She giggled. "Well, yes. That's a given."

"You know what else I'd really like to see you in?" I said.

"What's that?" She looked up at me through her lashes, and I got the impression that she knew what I was going to say.

"Nothing."

She raised an eyebrow. "You can't do that, Jake. You brought it up, now you have to tell me."

I smirked. "I did tell you. I'd like to see you in nothing."

Her cheeks turned red again. "Oh."

"I'm not pushing for that, baby. I'm just saying someday."

"Someday, of course."

That was more like it. "Could we try for bra and panties again?"

Nessie laughed and looked down. "I, um . . . I guess we could try again."

"If you're not comfortable, don't push yourself, okay?" I ran my fingers through her hair.

"No, it's not that. I mean, I think I'd be able to do that. I'm just not . . ." she sighed, and it sounded frustrated. "I'm not wearing something that matches."

I snorted. "Baby, do you think matching sets really matter? You could be wearing pink and yellow polka dots on the top and blue plaid on the bottom. It really isn't important. What's important is seeing you that close to naked."

She smiled up at me. "Well, I'm not that bad. It's just gray with white."

"Gray and white go together. Come on."

Her eyes widened. "Now?"

"Why not?" I prayed she wasn't going to freak out.

"I, um . . . well . . . it's just that it's the middle of the day." She pulled away from me and looked down.

"Nessie, it's okay. If you'd rather wait until tonight, that's fine. But there's no reason that we have to wait." I made her look up at me. "If you're ready, then we shouldn't wait."

She licked her lips and hesitated a moment before she nodded. "You're right, Jake. I'm ready."

I kissed her lips, and we went down the hall.

* * *

A/N: So there you have it, folks. Sorry for the wait. Thank you for reading.

In the next few days, I will begin posting a new story called Blood Moon. If you'd like to see pictures of who I see as the shifters, visit my tumblr at sheewolf85 . tumblr . com. The link is also on my profile.

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	39. The Curse

A/N: I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty excited about this chapter.

A few people have wondered if this story is winding down now that they're in therapy and getting the help they need. Yes and no. We are on the downhill slope as far as the plot goes, but I'm not sure how many chapters are left. I would say maybe somewhere around ten or so, but Nessie and Jake often talk way too much and make something that's supposed to be one chapter turn in to two or three. There are *at least* three major milestones that they need to pass before I can end the story.

Enough of my jabber—enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Eight

The Curse

_Decimation, disintegration  
Now beyond the point of imagination,  
There's no explaining my situation, now  
Why does this shit keep happening to me?_

_I've held on too long just to let it go now,  
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?  
Defying the curse that has taken hold  
Never surrender,  
I'll never be overcome_

-The Curse – Disturbed

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

It was weird taking medication every day. Jake and I developed something of a game, though, and it really helped take away the initial feelings of inadequacy I had.

Tuesday after we went to bed, I felt like I had somehow failed because I couldn't manage myself without taking a pill. Two, actually. Wednesday morning, though, as Jake opened the bottles and handed the medicine to me, I realized something. I took the pills and got his out for him. He had been taking his for so long, and I was only proud of him for being able to keep under control most of the time. There was no reason for me to feel anything but reassured that now I had what I needed to get better.

There was some part of me that hoped I would notice a difference immediately. Jacob had told me that his medicine would take a few weeks to really work, so I shouldn't expect anything right away. I was a little disappointed, but tried to keep my hopes up. Thursday night Jacob and I tried to talk about my nightmares. I hated telling him how the dead me had hurt him, even if he had been there when I told Dr. Furst. It was painful and awkward to remember it.

"What would be a good way to change the ending?" Jake asked as we sat on the couch.

I licked my lips. "I don't know." There was no way to change the ending. She controlled that, not me.

"Well, when does she usually show up? Let's start there." He rubbed my back and kissed my head.

"It changes all the time. Sometimes it's at the beginning of the dream, and sometimes it's later on. That last one was so different, though." I shook my head and leaned into him a little more.

He lifted me up onto his lap and held me close. "Okay. I think, for this time anyway, we should just concentrate on your last dream. So go back further, when you were watching yourself fight with your dad. Could you change the dream then?"

I wanted to. Oh, God, I wanted to. "I wish I could."

"How would you change it, baby?"

My stomach hurt, and my heart started to pound against my chest. "I can't change it. I walked out, Jake. That's what happened, and I can't change the past."

He kissed my forehead. "I know, baby. I'm not saying that you can change what happened, but you can change the events in your dream. Tell me how you want the dream to go."

I couldn't. This whole thing was stupid and wouldn't do anything but make it hurt worse. "I don't know."

Jake made me look at him and kissed my lips. "Baby, if this is too much right now, we can do it another time. I just thought it would be a good idea to start doing it soon."

I lifted my arms around his neck and kissed him again. "I love you, Jake. Thank you. I can't do this right now."

He nodded and pulled me in tightly. I pressed my face into his neck and took a deep breath. "It's okay, baby. We'll try again another time."

I nodded and kissed his throat. "Okay."

I spent the day Friday trying to get myself ready for Leah's wedding the next day. I took a shower after Jake left for work, like usual, but I spent more time carefully re-shaving what had already been shaved the day before. My dress hung in Jake's closet, and I got it out to try it on again and just make sure everything still fit okay. Of course it was perfect, so I hung it back up and got into the flannel shorts I knew Jake liked and a black tank top. I kind of wished I could see Jake's tuxedo, but he was going to pick it up from Leah's after work that day. We were going to have to leave early the next morning, so I practiced my makeup to make sure I could still cover the healing bruise on my cheek as well as match my outfit.

Every day, I could tell that the mark on my face bothered Jake. Even though it had faded to a light brown, he always took extra care to be gentle when he touched or kissed that side of my face. I couldn't really complain, though. I still felt bad when I looked at his arm. That was healing as well, and had mostly scabbed over. I still asked him to wear a bandage to work because I hated the thought of it getting infected by dirt or whatever else may be at the site. It didn't make me happy to think that he would end up with a scar.

I had found a few recipes over the last little while that I could make on my own. It made me the happiest person on the planet when he came home, kissed me, and said the house smelled good because I was cooking. It was like that ancient dream was finally coming true. Friday night, though, I wanted to make lasagna, and I was a little nervous to attempt that on my own. I set out everything that didn't need to be refrigerated and waited for Jake to come home and help me.

He was a little later than usual after having to go to Leah's to get his outfit for tomorrow. He kissed me, put his tux away, and took a shower before meeting me back in the kitchen. I smiled to myself. This was always my favorite part of the day. His hair was still damp, and sometimes even his chest and arms would glisten from the moisture still on his skin. I swear he did it on purpose. I must have given away somehow that I really liked it when he'd hug me and get me wet. I had mentioned it once—not that I liked it, but that he'd gotten me wet. He had just smirked and kissed me. It seemed to happen more often after that, though.

"What are we making?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I pointed out the recipe I wanted to try. "Mm, sounds good. We have everything for that?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I checked earlier." I turned my head to kiss him, and we got to work. Of course it turned out wonderful. Everything he helped me make always did.

After dinner, we watched the second _Lord of the Rings_ movie. I liked it even better than the first. Jake said the third was his favorite, but I was too tired to start another movie.

"Are you excited for tomorrow, babe?" he asked as we got into bed.

I nodded. "Very excited. Mostly for Leah, though. She's so happy with Sam." They were an unconventional couple, no doubt, but it seemed to me that the ones that lasted the longest always were. "Are you?" I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at his handsome face.

He smirked. "Yeah, I guess. It'll be nice to finally have her stop talking about her upcoming wedding."

I kissed him. "You'll just have to put up with all her talking about it afterward."

He groaned, and I laughed. "As thrilled as she is about it, though, I can't see her bringing it up every day. Maybe for a week or so, but after that I'll be free."

I laid down and kissed his shoulder. "She'll probably bug you about when you'll decide to tie the knot." As I said the words, I didn't realize that I was expecting a certain response. It wasn't the one I got.

Jake snorted. "Yeah, right. She knows better than that."

I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

He kissed my lips. "I'm never getting married, and I'm never having kids. They wouldn't survive me anyway."

He chuckled, but something twisted in my gut. I didn't understand it. Even though I had been expecting him to make some joke about twenty years down the line or something similar, it was no reason to get upset. The one time Jake and I had talked about marriage and children—it was ages ago, before I had even realized I was falling in love with him—he had told me that he wasn't husband or father material. I hadn't wanted to say much at the time and just said I wasn't sure if either would ever happen for me. The conversation had been brief and kind of awkward, but the point came across clearly. I didn't understand why it should hurt so badly to hear him say it now.

I brushed it off as much as I could and nodded. "Yeah, she probably wouldn't bug you about that." I paused for a moment and yawned. "Goodnight, Jake."

He kissed my head. "Night, baby. Love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

I woke up screaming at three o'clock. I sat up in bed and clutched at my stomach, just praying the pain would stop soon. I was awake, I shouldn't still feel the blade twisting inside me.

"Ness?"

Jake's voice shocked me. I jumped and turned to see him sitting beside me. He hadn't appeared in my dream that time, and I was both relieved and so scared. Without the distraction, she had done so much more than usual. Tears fell down my cheeks as I turned and pushed myself into his warm embrace. "Oh, Jake," I whimpered.

"Baby, I'm here. It's okay now." It sounded like he was trying to be comforting, but his voice shook as he spoke. His arms were so tight around me, and his skin was almost hot. "You're safe, Nessie."

I nodded and kissed his neck. "I'm safe." I wasn't sure if I was trying to reassure myself or him. It hurt to speak through the tightness in my throat. "I need a drink, though."

He nodded and started to get up. I held his arm and stumbled alongside him to the kitchen where he quickly got a glass of water for me. I took it gratefully and sipped. His fingers ran through my hair as he stood beside me. "What was it?" he asked.

I sniffled and took another drink. "Me." I couldn't even remember the last time I'd dreamt of the hospital and my dad's dead eyes. Was I never going to have that one again? Although it hurt, it never lingered in my body like the other one did. Once I woke up from the other one, I cried from the emotional pain, but there wasn't a specific ache where I'd been sliced open. "I really thoughts that medicine was working." Was it all hopeless then?

Jake kissed my head. "You can't expect the dreams to go away forever after only a few days, baby. Give it another few weeks. We also need to work on the other part."

"I can't change my dreams, Jake. I've had them for over two years; they're not going away." I shook my head and took another drink.

"Well, sure. If you talk like that, they won't. Try it with me, just this once?" He was pleading with me. I knew it was important to him. It was to me, too, but somehow I just couldn't make myself get excited about it.

I sighed and nodded anyway. "I'll try."

He hugged me lightly. "That's good, baby. When did she show up this time?"

I licked my lips and leaned my head against his chest. "I had control again. I'd walked through the house and went back out to the living room. I was looking at the TV screen when I felt her behind me. I saw her in the black screen, too." I shivered.

Jake rubbed my arm. "Okay. So at that point, how would you change the dream so it's not scary anymore?"

I shook my head. "She's there, Jake. It's already scary."

He kissed my hair. "Okay, well what if you changed it so she never showed up at all?"

My brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" I turned a little bit to look up at him.

"Well, if you're trying to change the ending of the dream so it's not scary anymore, then why not change it so she never shows up? What do you think would have happened in the dream if she wasn't ever there?"

I thought about that for a few minutes. The thought of walking through the house with all the debris but no dead woman was almost exciting. "I don't know."

"Okay. Let's say you're in your dream right now, and you're in the living room looking into the TV screen. Nothing happens. No dead woman, no knives, and no cutting. Just you and the TV."

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what that could possibly be like. I said the first thing that came to mind. "I'd plug it back in and turn it on."

He nodded against the top of my head. "Good. Would you just watch it until you woke up?"

How long would I have to sleep if she didn't wake me up with her fatal wound? I decided I could watch it all night and wake up to the alarm. "Yes."

"Good. That's so good, baby. See? This is easy, isn't it?" He pushed my hair back behind my shoulders.

"I don't know if I'd say _easy_, but it isn't as hard as I had first thought." I shrugged.

"I'm sure with time it'll get easier, baby. I think it's a great start. Are you ready to go back to bed?"

I poured the rest of my water down the drain and set the empty glass in the sink. "Yeah, I think so."

We got back in bed, and he held me tightly as I rested against him and closed my eyes. "Goodnight again, baby," he said softly.

"Goodnight."

* * *

I straightened the skirt of the dress and smoothed it down over my stomach as I looked at myself in the mirror again. Even though it fit perfectly, and I had thick tights on to protect my legs from the sun, I felt like I wasn't wearing enough. I pushed it aside; I'd be putting on a white, lightweight cotton jacket over everything to protect my arms. I knew that would help. I leaned forward over the sink as I reached up and fixed a strand of hair that kept sticking out of place. I had curled my hair, then I separated the front part of it into six sections, twisted each of them, and pinned them back with some small clips. I thought it looked good, but some hair on the outside rows wouldn't cooperate. I finally took a bobby pin to it.

With every hair in place and every inch of my face smothered in makeup, I finally left the bathroom and went to find Jake. He was in the guest bathroom doing up his tie. He smiled at me, but it was distracted. His brow furrowed, and I watched his fingers work the fabric around his neck. I didn't know the first thing about tying ties or I would have done the sexy girlfriend thing and helped him out. I sighed and decided I needed to learn so I could do that the next time he put one on. If he ever did.

He finally triumphed over the tie and turned to smile at me. "Jesus, Ness, you look amazing." His hands skimmed up my arms as he leaned in to kiss me.

I blushed and licked my lips as I looked him over. "So do you, Jake." Of course the tux fit him perfectly. The shiny black material looked so good on him, but somehow it was the white shirt that really set everything else off. He looked so elegant. My hands slid up his chest over the smooth jacket to his shoulders. "You're too handsome."

He chuckled and kissed me again. "No, I'm too sexy. Remember?"

I smiled. "Oh, yeah. You're right."

He checked his watch. "Are you about ready to go? We have fifteen minutes before we need to get out of here."

I nodded. "Yeah, I just need to get my sweater and I'm ready." He followed me into the other room where I picked the white jacket out of the closet. Jake nodded and smiled as I put it on. "What?" I asked.

He raised his eyebrows. "What? Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking about how perfect you are."

I snorted but didn't say anything. Neither did he. We left a few minutes later.

The parking lot of the church where the wedding was being held was already packed by the time we got there. The place was huge; at least three levels high. Jake and I went in, and I just clung to his side. Leah was in hiding until everything started, but Sam was wandering around barking orders at people. Jake introduced me to quite a few people that he knew through Leah, and I was a little excited when everyone seemed really nice. I met Seth again—he had been at the one barbeque I had gone to with Jake months ago—and his four brothers. One girl, her name was Geraldine, kept looking at Jake like she was trying to flirt with him. I did my best not to scowl, but it wasn't easy. Especially when I learned that she was twenty-three years old. Older and more beautiful with her brown hair, blue eyes, and tanned skin. Her sisters, Lisa and Jamie, were twins that looked like her and one year younger. They seemed nice enough, though, and didn't try to get Jake's attention in over-obvious ways.

We finally made our way to the chapel to start the ceremony. I took Jake's hand as I sat next to him, and he smiled and he lightly squeezed my fingers. Sam stood proudly at the front of the aisle just in front of the podium where the man performing the ceremony stood. I'd been told he was the bishop of the church we were in. Everything was eerily quiet for a few beats, then the organ began. I turned in my seat to see Leah begin her walk up the aisle.

She had been stunning the day she tried on the dress at the mall, but she was so much more so now. Her hair had been pulled up into a simple but elegant updo. She was radiant as she took her place next to Sam. He was clearly taken away by her as he held her hand and gently kissed her knuckles. I rubbed Jake's hand with my thumb as the bishop began to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, we are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the joining of Samuel Joshua Uley and Leah Reann Clearwater in marriage. With love and commitment, they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife." He went on to talk about how marriage was a sacred union and commitment to one another. After a moment, he turned to Sam. "The couple will now recite their own vows."

Sam smiled and pulled a slip of paper from inside his jacket. He cleared his throat and held Leah's hand as he spoke.

"Leah, today is the greatest day of my life. Today, I am taking you to be my wife, my best friend, my partner, and my soulmate. I am so in love with you, and I promise to stand beside you through thick and thin, through good and bad, through joy and sorrow. I want to spend the rest of my life hearing your thoughts and seeing your dreams. I promise to do my best to make our lives better and better from this day on because I am so amazed by you. This is my solemn vow."

Sam tucked the paper back into his jacket and smiled proudly. The bishop looked at Leah. She smiled and licked her lips. Jake put his arm around my shoulders, and I smiled to myself.

"Wow, Sam . . . I truly never thought that I would stand here and promise my life to anyone, but I am so happy that it's happening. I promise to be there every single day, through all the best times, all the shitty times, and everything in between. I promise to always be honest with you and true to you. I want to work together with you to make our lives better and better. That's my solemn vow."

I leaned in and put my head on Jake's shoulder. His arm tightened around me, and he kissed my forehead. I smiled again, but it drifted away when I thought about what we had talked about the night before. I didn't expect him to change the way he thought of marriage on account of me, but where would that leave us? Someday in the future, I wanted to be a wife. His wife. I'd wanted to get married and have children since I was a little girl, but it had always been a far away dream. Who could ever love a freak like me? Then Jake came along and smashed that to pieces. No more self-loathing because of my condition. Well, not as much as before. He loved me. But he didn't ever want to get married or have children. I told myself to give up on that dream before it hurt me. Dwelling on what I couldn't have with him would only drive us apart, and I knew that. I could still love him and be with him without a ring.

"You may kiss the bride." The words brought me out of my thoughts, and I smiled as Sam leaned in for a sweet kiss. Leah grabbed the back of his neck and deepened it. He smirked when she finally pulled back. The bishop looked a little displeased, but didn't let it slow him down. Sam and Leah turned toward the audience, and he spoke again. "May I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Uley."

I joined in the applause as the couple walked back down the aisle. Once they were gone, everyone got up and went down the stairs to a lounge that had been set up with several round tables. There was one long table at the front of the room with more food than I had ever seen in one room. Each table had a white tablecloth and the bouquets I'd made sitting in the middle. Leah and Sam came in, and they cut the cake together. They both laughed as they fed a piece to each other.

Jake leaned over to me as Sam held out his piece of cake. "Technically, they're supposed to shove it in each other's faces," he said quietly. "I was kind of looking forward to that."

I covered my mouth as I tried not to laugh too loudly. Of course he would want that to happen. "This way is sweeter."

"Yeah, but you don't like cake."

It always made me smile when he proved that he remembered something I'd told him so long ago. Then of course I remembered that it didn't even matter because the scene before me wouldn't ever happen to me. After the cake, everyone else got up to get food for themselves. Everything looked so good, and both Jake and I loaded up on more than we could probably eat. I corrected that: Jake could, theoretically, eat twice the amount he got. Whether he was actually hungry enough to eat it all was a different story. When everyone sat down, Leah clinked her fork against her glass.

"I believe now would be a good time for the groom to share a few words with his new wife," she said, giving Sam a sweet but sassy look.

Sam laughed nervously and stood up with his drink in hand. "Uh, Leah you know how bad I am at this," he said. Leah smirked and nodded.

Jake snorted and whispered, "That's an understatement," under his breath. I lightly smacked his arm, and he turned to kiss me.

Sam continued. "Well, let me just say that my life has been very different in a lot of good ways since the moment I met my fia—my wife." He paused and cleared his throat.

Leah reached up and tapped his arm. "Talk to me if it makes it easier."

He smiled gratefully and took her hand. "When I first met you, I thought you were the standard: Smart, pretty, and docile. I was right about the smart and pretty, obviously, but boy was I ever wrong about the docile. I'm glad, though. I'm glad I took that chance and talked to you. I'm also very happy that you took over like the incredible woman you are and turned that night into the best of my life up to that point. Since then, there have been many others, more milestones and more happy memories. Nothing can beat this, though. I love you, my beautiful wife."

I couldn't be sure, but it sure as hell looked like Leah was trying to cover some tears. I couldn't really blame her; Sam's speech was so heartfelt and wonderful. I wondered briefly what it would feel like to be in that position with my husband talking about how much better I'd made his life. I glanced at Jake, and my chest hurt. Let it go, I told myself. It wasn't worth it. Leah stood up and kissed Sam, then took his drink out of his hand and finished it for him.

"Man, I wish that was alcoholic." A few chuckles arose from the crowd. I couldn't help but smirk. "Oh, well. Sam, that was perfect. Coming from a girl who swore with every breath of her life for at least twenty years that I would never get married, I think that's saying something. I knew you were different from the moment you came up and said hello to me. At the time, I just thought it was the massive amounts of Seagram's Seven I had in me, but now I know it was something else. It was all you, and you always make me want to be a better person, a better woman, for you. I'm very happy that you were persistent enough to get me to go out with you, to make me tell you I love you, and to finally convince me to marry you. I love you, Sam. I'm ready for whatever this crazy life is going to throw our way, because I know from now on, you're by my side."

I was getting teary-eyed now. I wished with every part of me that I could say some of those words to Jake. It was crazy, though, because I knew I _could_ say them to him. It would be different, though. It would be me telling my boyfriend how much I love him when he already knew. There was no point in saying the things Leah said. Jake knew it all already. Jake wasn't like Sam; he wouldn't get sentimental and wipe away tears if I told him that I was ready for whatever came up. He'd just agree with me and say the same.

The next person to get up was Sam's father, Joseph. He was tall and proud, obviously a business man like his son, but less nervous in front of the crowd. "When Sam first brought Leah home to meet the family, I wondered what corner he picked her up from." _What a way to start_, I thought. Leah didn't look upset. In fact, she smiled and nodded. "I learned quickly that she was no hooker. She is a very fine young woman who has changed my son for the better. I don't think he could have picked a better bride, and I wish them both the happiness they deserve."

Leah blew a kiss at Joseph, then her dad, Harry, stood up. I'd never met him, but I'd heard stories. I noticed Jake tense up a little beside me, and Leah gave her dad a hard warning look. "Leah, you know this wasn't what I had planned for you. Ever since your brother died, I'd had plans of you getting married to someone who could take over the contracting business when I'm gone. I'll admit, I was angry—furious, even—when you came to me and said you were getting married to Sam. Not too long after that, a young man whose name I won't mention came to me and told me to open up my eyes and see what I've got. It's taken a while, and I can't really say that I'm there yet, but I do see that I've got a wonderful daughter who is marrying the man she loves. She's marrying a man who will take care of her and love her for who she is, not for who I want her to be. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to see that, Leah. I wish you the best with your marriage. I hope you get happiness your way."

Leah wiped under her eye and got up to walk around the table and hug her dad. As she walked back, the look she gave to Jacob made me think that he might have been the young man Harry had mentioned. It wouldn't have surprised me. Jake had relaxed, and he turned to kiss me again. He looked satisfied about something.

A few other people got up to say something, friends and family of both Sam and Leah. Some were long, and others were short or just jokes meant to make everyone laugh. A while later, I noticed Leah giving Jacob a dirty look. He sighed and took his hand from mine to stand up. I smiled and waited to hear what he had to say.

"Leah made me promise I'd say something, and she's been giving me the evil eye for the past twenty minutes, so I guess it's my turn."

Leah rolled her eyes. "I can't let you and your antisocial ways back out of that, now can I?"

"You _could_ . . . No, it's been an interesting time watching you change over the months. When I met Sam, I wondered just how long he was going to last. He wasn't anything like what I would have imagined you'd go for, but he makes you happy, and that's all that matters. I knew you were going to marry him a month before you finally broke down and showed me the ring. I knew it, because every time you talked about him, your eyes lit up and you seemed so content. And Sam, I know I'm not your favorite person. You're not mine, either. But I've never seen her so happy, so keep up whatever it is you're doing and you'll stay on my good side." He sat back down and took a drink of his water. I took his hand and squeezed his fingers. He smirked and kissed me, and someone else got up to say something.

A little while later, everyone moved to the auditorium that was connected to the lounge. I was nervous about dancing with other people watching, but I figured I'd had enough practice at home that I could at least pretend I knew what I was doing. Sam and Leah started everything off with their dance to 'Come Rain or Come Shine' by Don Henley. The sound of the music tightened my chest. Even though it wasn't a song my dad usually listened to, it still hurt to hear it. Jacob squeezed my shoulders and made me look up at him.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I wasn't going to break down at Leah's wedding. This day was special for her, and I would make damn sure I stayed together. I nodded and turned into him, pushing my ear against his chest. I focused all of my attention on his heartbeat so I could try to drown out the song. It worked for the most part. Once the song was over, everyone else began to join in. Jake and I danced together for a few songs, then he went to ask Leah. I didn't let myself get upset about that. Normally I was okay with Jake doing things with Leah. Then again, nothing they did had ever left me out before. I didn't really know anyone else to dance with.

Until Seth came up and asked me. I was nervous but too afraid to say no. And, truthfully, it gave me a reason to stop standing there like an idiot, so I accepted. I was surprised and relieved to find that Seth wasn't a much better dancer than I was. We both laughed at each other as we moved across the room. Jacob came back to me at the end of the song, and I swear he glared at Seth. I couldn't be sure, though. It could have been the lighting.

The music continued to play for those that wanted to dance, but some people went back to the lounge to sit down and talk or eat some more of the wedding food. Jake was done being social, so we went back and sat together while we shared a plate and talked.

"Are you having a good time?" Jake asked me.

I smiled at him as I put another creampuff in my mouth. They were too good. "Mm-hmm."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Good. I love you."

I nodded and pointed to my stuffed cheek; I didn't want to try to talk with my mouth full. He chuckled and kissed me again. When I finally swallowed, I said it back.

A little while later, Geraldine, Jamie, and Lisa invited me to go walk with them. I was so thrilled to be included in their little group. I looked at Jacob, who looked uncertain. It confused me.

"Are you going outside?" he asked.

I smiled. "Don't worry, Jake. Even if we do, I'll make sure I'm not out more than fifteen minutes."

He nodded. "Okay. Love you."

I stood up and kissed him. "Love you, too." I went with them, and sure enough, they wanted to go outside.

"So why doesn't Jake want you to leave the building?" Lisa asked.

"Doesn't that get really annoying?" added Jamie.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, it's not annoying at all. I, um . . . I have photosensitivity. It's an allergy to the sun. I can be out for a little bit, but too long and I get a rash."

"Oh." All three of them took an exaggerated step away from me, and my hopes crashed around me. Somehow I had thought they wouldn't care. It seemed I'd been around Jake and Leah too much. I started to pick at the sleeves on my sweater as I tried to push away my irrational disappointment. I knew that people in general didn't want to be friends with someone as different as I was. Under my left sleeve, I found one of those plastic 'T' things that hold a tag on.

As we walked, we bumped into Seth and two of his brothers, Jared, and Brady. They said hello to the other girls before they acknowledged me. It shouldn't have bothered me, but I really wished I had stayed behind with Jake. At least he wouldn't have ignored me.

"How're you doing?" Seth asked me.

I shrugged. "I'm okay." Unlike Jake, Seth either didn't notice my lie or he didn't care that I wasn't being honest.

He nodded. "Good. Enjoying the sun?"

Geraldine giggled. "She's not. She has a skin condition." Of course she made it sound like I was slimy and contagious. What else was I expecting? Two of the boys stepped back a little, but Seth rolled his eyes.

"No, it's not a skin condition. It's an allergy." I wanted to smack her. I tugged on the plastic tag holder on my sleeve, trying to break it. It was too strong. It seemed I would have to wait until I got back to Jake.

"Whatever," Jamie said.

Seth stepped a little closer to me. He seemed nice enough, but people had a way of covering the bad in themselves until the perfect moment that cut the deepest. "What are you allergic to?" he asked.

I focused my attention on the tag holder as I answered. "The sun." I really wanted to break it. If I pulled hard enough, maybe it would just come out. It hurt my fingers instead.

"Need some help with that?"

I looked up at Seth. He seemed genuinely concerned, but I didn't want to risk it. I licked my lips and shook my head. I'd just wait for Jake. "No, thank you."

"You sure? You can use my knife." He pulled a pocket knife out and opened it before he handed it to me.

I automatically reached out for what he was giving me, and suddenly everything else in the world disappeared. My stomach churned as I stared down at a blade nearly identical to my dad's. Four inches long and smooth from the tip to the middle, where it became serrated with an alternating swoop and point design. It looked so much like the one I'd held against my wrist a little over a month after the accident. The blade that starred in every single dream about the dead me I'd ever had. I remembered so vividly the feel of it as she cut me the night before.

"Are you okay?" Seth asked. "I can do it if you want."

I realized then that I had started to cry. This was just too perfect. I looked up to see everyone standing there, just staring at me. "I, um . . ." There was no way to explain this. They didn't know, and they would never understand. Jamie leaned over and whispered something into Lisa's ear. I felt sick to my stomach as new memories started to creep in. The way my dad would automatically pull the knife out of his pocket to open anything that was remotely difficult. The one time he showed me how to sharpen it when I was sixteen, then I promptly cut my finger.

I held the knife out to Seth, and he took it silently. I had to get out of there before I made a bigger fool of myself. There was a part of me that wondered why I even cared. They already knew I was a freak.

"Nessie?" I heard Jacob's voice, and it dragged me back a little. The knots in my chest loosened just enough that I could breathe again. I turned to him as he reached us, and he put his arm around my shoulder. "Are you okay, Ness?"

I planted my face in his chest for a second and took a deep breath of his tangy scent. It helped even more. "I'm all right." I looked up and nodded, but only because I didn't want to explain everything with an audience. He stared at me with dark eyes for a few seconds.

"What's going on?" he asked. He glanced at Seth, and his entire body tightened up. "What did you say to her?"

I shook my head quickly. Seth had been nothing but kind to me. "It's not him, Jake." My eyes automatically flickered to the others who had teased me. Of course Jake didn't miss it. He turned to them, and I grabbed his arm. I had to get out of there soon.

"Hey, Jake," Geraldine said with an obvious flirt again. I couldn't even find it in me to care. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to take a deep breath. Build a wall, I told myself. Hold it in.

"Hey yourself. What the fuck is going on?" He had pushed me back a little bit, trying to protect me, but I didn't want a bigger deal made of this than there already was.

"Jake, I need to go inside." I tugged on his arm.

He looked down at me and nodded. As we started to walk away, Jamie mumbled a comment to Lisa. I couldn't be sure I'd heard it right, but it sure as hell sounded like, "Overprotective asshole for the freak of nature."

Jake tensed and turned back around. He didn't hesitate one second to grab the girl's chin and make her look at him. "You better learn some respect, Jamie, and learn it really fucking fast. Leah's told me enough about you I can start my own goddamn rumors. You want people snickering at you behind your back for shit you can't do anything about?"

She pulled away from him to glare, then Seth pushed himself between the two. "Come on, guys; let's calm down."

Even from where I was standing, I could see Jake clench his jaw. He was really mad. "Back the fuck off, Seth; this has nothing to do with you."

Seth didn't even flinch. "Jake, you need to get your ass over there and take care of Ness. I'll deal with this."

He seemed so grown up for his age. I prayed Jake listened. I needed him right now. I wanted to go to a room with just him and me so I could tell him what was bothering me and let him help me work through it. I could only push things back for so long, and the dam inside me was starting to break. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and prayed it held for just a little longer.

"Don't think for one second that I'm not watching you." I wasn't sure which person Jake was talking to, but a moment later, his arm was on my shoulders and he was leading me inside. As we walked away, I heard Seth.

"I can't believe this. Leah invites you to her wedding, and you pull shit like that."

I sniffled and leaned into Jake a little more. I was grateful to Seth for being nice, but the memories of my dad and his knife were still pounding away inside my head. Once we were inside, I realized that my hands and face had started to tingle. I figured I'd probably be pretty red when we went home. At least there weren't many windows here.

"Calm down, baby," Jake whispered to me. "We're almost to the stairs. There are some rooms up there."

I couldn't say how, but I managed to keep it inside until we reached the top of the stairs. There was some part of me that was proud, but it didn't last much longer. Only a few more steps before the first sob broke through. I tripped on something, and it seemed whatever it was caused my legs to turn to pudding. Jake caught me, though, and lifted me up to carry me. I shoved my face in his shoulder, not caring for one second about the pain in my cheekbone, and clung to him as I cried. He shushed me quietly and mumbled words I couldn't make out. Every memory that hit me was tainted with a physical reminder of my dreams. My arms were throbbing, and my throat burned. Even my stomach turned where I'd been hurt. I felt like I was going to be sick.

I forced myself to sit up. There was some distant part of me that noticed we'd made it to a room and Jake was sitting on a folding chair as he let me cry. I wanted to tell him that I needed a bathroom. I wasn't going to make it regardless. I spotted a trashcan in the corner of the room and pushed off his lap to get it. I fell to my knees, but I was close enough to reach it.

"Jesus, Nessie. Baby, what happened?" He knelt beside me and held my hair for me.

It didn't last very long. I only heaved five times before it was over. I wiped my mouth with a shaking hand, then turned and positioned myself to lay down with my head on Jake's leg. He gently touched my cheek, wiping away tears, as I sniffled and wished so badly I could push everything away like I had done before. I would give anything to be numb right now.

"Did someone hurt you, Ness?"

I met his eyes and shook my head. "Not physically."

He sighed and picked me up. He sat in the chair again, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed my forehead. "What did they say to you?"

I took a deep breath. "It was stupid stuff at first. They wanted to know why I couldn't go outside, so I told them. I should have expected them to stop pretending to be nice, but it did hurt a little. Especially when we met up with Seth and his brothers. Seth really was nice, Jake. He didn't laugh like everyone else did. He stayed out of it and talked to me."

He nodded and kissed my hair. "Okay. Then what happened?"

I sniffled and resituated myself so I could show him the plastic tag holder. "I was playing with this, trying to break it while I thought of smacking Geraldine. Seth noticed, though, and he offered his pocket knife so I could cut it off. It was the same kind of knife my dad had." I shook my head and leaned into Jake again. "The same one that the dead woman in my dreams uses to hurt me."

His arms tightened hard around me. "I'm gonna kick his ass."

I sat up and was going to kiss him when I remembered I needed to rinse my mouth out first. "Please don't, Jake. It's not his fault. He was only trying to help, and he doesn't know about that." I couldn't let Seth get in trouble.

Jake pursed his lips for a second, but then he nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

I tried to smile. "Of course I am."

He smirked. "Don't make me tickle you."

"Not right now." I couldn't fathom laughing at the moment. I leaned in and put my forehead on Jake's shoulder. "I think I've completely ruined myself."

"Don't say that," Jake said. He pushed me back with his hands gripping my shoulders almost too tightly. "I mean it, Ness. You haven't ruined anything."

I wiped my face. "I've ruined my makeup. That's all I meant."

He kissed my forehead. "I'm sure Leah or some other woman down there has a makeup bag somewhere. Why don't you go into the bathroom to clean up, and I'll see if I can track one down for you."

I nodded. "Okay." He leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled back. "I haven't rinsed my mouth out, Jake."

"I don't care." He held my neck so I couldn't pull away again and kissed me. "I really don't, Ness." He pressed his lips to mine again, but he didn't deepen it. He helped me up after one more soft kiss and kept his arm around my waist as we walked to the bathroom. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

I nodded and pushed the door open. The first thing I did was wash my mouth out, then I splashed water on my face to wash everything else off. Some of the eye shadow lingered, but I figured I could just cover it up with whatever Jake came back with. I hoped he found something. I wasn't concerned about going back down there without a perfect face, but I didn't want the questions that would undoubtedly come up at the sight of the brown and faded bruise on my cheek. I'd never been the best liar, and I couldn't risk raising suspicion that Jake abused me. I refused to do that to him.

As I stared in the mirror, I heard Jake's voice. I smiled to myself until I heard a woman answer him. I almost panicked until I realized it was Leah. My eyes widened; I didn't want her to ask questions about the bruise. She, more than anyone else, should understand, though. I just prayed she did. I glanced at a stall and thought about dashing inside, but it was too late. The door swung open before I could make up my mind.

"Hi, sweetie," she said as she came up to me. "How are you feeling?" She put her hand on my arm.

I swallowed and nodded. "A little better."

"Good. Jake said you mercilessly destroyed your make up, so I'm here to rescue you." She held up a small tote and smiled. "Do you want to just do it, or do you want some help?"

I knew the bruise was noticeable. I also knew Leah wasn't the type to overlook something like that. I wondered why she didn't say anything about it. I kind of wanted to do it myself, but at the same time, I didn't want to be alone. After what had happened with the other girls, I wanted to reassure myself that Leah was my friend. And I knew she liked to do my makeup anyway, so I asked her to do it. She smiled brightly and opened the tote.

"So how does it feel to be Mrs. Uley now?" I asked as she picked out some concealer.

"Oh, Nessie. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined getting married could feel so good. I didn't say yes when Sam asked at first, and I kept saying no until he finally cornered me into agreeing. Then this morning, I really thought I was going to die. I'm really happy I didn't, though, because the proud look on Sam's face when we said our vows was so amazing." She furrowed her brow and dropped the third tube she'd picked up and leaned over to dig through the case.

"I bet it was. Is, um . . . Is Jake out there?" I lowered my voice in case he was.

She smiled and nodded. "Probably listening to every single word." She whispered just like I had.

I sighed. I kind of wanted to talk to Leah about my feelings, but I sure as hell didn't want Jake to hear. Not yet, anyway. I realized that she still hadn't decided on anything to start with; she just seemed to be getting more frustrated. "Is everything okay?" I asked her.

"I can't find a light enough color for you. This isn't mine, it's Cherylle's. She's my mom's friend. She's pretty pale herself, but everything is still too dark. At the very least, I need something to cover your bruise with."

So she had noticed. I swallowed. "Are you going to ask where it came from?"

She paused and looked over at me for a second. "I already know. Jake told me what happened."

Oh. Of course he did. I should have known he would tell her. Somehow I felt the need to say more, though. I needed to protect Jake from any possible accusations. "It was an accident."

She smiled and patted my arm. "I know, Ness."

"I mean, you know Jake. You know he's not—"

Leah turned to me and put her hands on my shoulders. "I know him very well. I know him well enough to be able to say that he'd cut off his own balls before he would even think about hitting you on purpose."

I smiled. "Thank you. I just don't want anyone to even consider that for a moment." I remembered the look in his eyes after it happened.

"Don't worry, Ness. Nobody's accusing anyone of anything, okay?"

The way she looked at me as she said that made me wonder if he told her about his arm. I swallowed and decided to drop it. "Okay."

"Ah! I think this one might work. Let's see." She opened the concealer and dabbed some on my cheek. "It's a shade or two darker, but I think if we do it right, it'll work."

"How much concealer does one woman need anyway?" I asked. She'd gone through at least ten containers.

Leah snorted. "My mom and her circle of clowns? You don't want to know."

It didn't take long for Leah to finish what she was doing, then she helped my fix my hair. It just needed a little readjustment. Jake was waiting right next to the door when we finally came out, and he pulled me into a tight hug. He had taken off his suit jacket—probably because I'd soaked it—and was somehow even more handsome in the white shirt and tie.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked. He kissed my forehead then my lips.

"Yeah, I think so."

"I need to get back down there before Sam sends a search party. Come on back when you're ready." Leah patted Jake's arm, then walked away.

Jake smirked. "She's gone for one second and Sam thinks she fell into a dark hole somewhere."

"I heard that," Leah called.

I smiled and stood on my toes to kiss him. "How long was I gone before you decided to come look for me earlier?" I asked. I was so grateful that he did, though.

"That's not the point." He ran his fingers through my hair. "Leah can take care of herself."

My brow furrowed. "And I can't?"

He kissed me again. "Ness, it's not that you can't take care of yourself. I know that if the knife thing hadn't happened, you probably would have been just fine. All the same, I love you and I have to protect you. You'd been gone for twenty minutes, and all I was planning on doing was making sure you were okay. When I saw you, though, I knew you weren't."

That made me feel better. I pushed myself against him and hugged his waist tightly. "I love you."

"Me, too, babe. You ready to head back downstairs?"

"Yeah, I think so. Um . . . what should I do with that trash can?" I felt bad leaving it there.

"You could do nothing and just let someone have a surprise next Sunday." He chuckled.

"Oh, Jake, that's terrible." I pulled away. "I'll clean it out."

He tried to stop me, but I couldn't do that. When he realized that he wasn't going to talk me out of it, he decided to help. I didn't want him to do that either. It was my vomit, therefore it was my responsibility. In the end, it was easy. The trash can had a liner, so I took it to throw it away in the larger can in the bathroom while Jake put a new bag in the basket.

We went back downstairs hand in hand. I kept myself by his side until Leah pulled me away to do the bouquet toss. I knew what that meant; whoever caught the bouquet was said to be the next one to get married. I played along just for shits and giggles. It wouldn't have surprised me if Leah had somehow figured out how to aim behind her, because the damn thing hit me right in the chest. My hands reached up instinctively to catch it, and the girls around me clapped. I caught a few glares, too. It wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to catch it. It was supposed to go to someone who actually had a chance of getting married someday. I smiled anyway and pretended to be excited as people congratulated me and Leah winked. I was told to keep the flowers, and I went to sit back beside Jake.

"Good catch," he said, gesturing to the bouquet.

I blushed. "Oh . . . thanks." I hoped he wouldn't be upset. He just kissed me and didn't say anything else about it. I took a sip of water and looked out over the crowd of people just talking and having fun. I couldn't tell if Jake was tense beside me because of Leah's aiming skills or if he was just ready to go home. Either way, the flowers in my hand seemed to burn my skin with what they meant to me. I knew I needed to talk to Jake about it. At least tell him how I felt so he knew. I couldn't get over the fear that my desire would scare him away. It was silly, because nothing else I had ever put in front of him had even made him flinch. But this wasn't me working on guesses and my own insecurity. This was me telling him that I wanted something that he had already told me very plainly he didn't. It ate at my stomach, and I took another drink. I wished there was a way to somehow get Leah alone so I could talk to her and get her advice. Or even Sam. Sam had convinced Leah; maybe someday I could convince Jake.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading! Thoughts?


	40. Still Here

A/N: I'm just as surprised as you are—maybe even more—that this chapter got done so quickly. It consumed my day and night until it was finished, lol.

Some of you may not like me/Jake/Ness very much at the beginning of this chapter. I hope we make up for it by the end, though :)

All my h00rs, you know what to look for. Not a h00r? Beware the lemony citrus fruit. For those of you who have been so sweet and patient waiting for this chapter, I thank you. I hope it meets expectations.

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Still Here

_You see everything, you see every part  
You see all my light, and you love my dark  
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed  
There's not anything to which you can't relate  
And you're still here_

-Everything – Alanis Morissette

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I didn't get a chance to talk to either Leah or Sam alone before Jake and I left. Leah made us take some of the food with us since there was still a ton left over. We loaded up on a bunch of stuff and went home. Once the food was put away, Jake took off his tie and undid the first few buttons of his shirt.

"You want to change, baby?" he asked.

I took off my sweater and shook my head. "No." I wasn't sure what it was, but that white shirt was the sexiest thing I had ever seen on him. "I want to look at you like this for a little longer."

He chuckled. "That's okay. I don't want you to take off the dress anyway. I want to do it for you later." He raised his eyebrows and pulled me close with his hands on my hips. He bent to kiss my lips. I trailed my hands up his arms to his shoulders.

"I love you, Jake."

His arms wrapped around me. "I love you, too, baby. Did you have a good time? I mean other than the shitty parts."

I smiled. "Yeah, I did. It was a beautiful wedding. Did you?"

He smirked. "I guess. The food was the best part, though. Well, that and having you by my side." He kissed me again, and I blushed.

"I'm sure." There was a part of me that just couldn't let go of the future I wanted so badly. I wondered why he didn't want to even consider the possibility of getting married someday if being with me made him so happy. Wasn't that the normal thing to do? If you loved someone so much and they made everything in the world bearable no matter how bad it was, wouldn't you want to pledge your life to them? I shook it off and told myself for the millionth time that it wasn't worth getting worked up about. I wanted Jake in my life more than I wanted a ring on my finger.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded and forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm all right."

His brow furrowed. "Nessie, don't do this. What's the matter, baby?" He rubbed my back gently, and I realized that I was going to have to talk to him whether I was ready or not. Tears welled in my eyes when I thought about what could possibly happen when he knew what I wanted. He led me to the couch and pulled me onto his lap. "Talk to me."

I sighed. "Okay. I will, but . . . Jake, I'm scared." I met his eyes, and a tear fell down my cheek. "Before I tell you, I want you to promise me that you won't get upset." It was stupid of me to ask that, and I knew it.

"I promise, Nessie. What could be so bad?" He smiled encouragingly, but it didn't help.

"It's something that we've already talked about, and I don't even know why it's suddenly bothering me so badly. Just after today . . . I don't know." I sniffled and shook my head.

Jake's arms tensed around me. "What part of today?"

I leaned into him and put my face in his neck. "All of it. Will you tell me something first?"

He pet my hair. "Anything."

"Why don't you ever want to get married?" I wanted to know what I was working with and hopefully be able to counter it with reasons why it could be possible someday.

He shrugged. "I don't know, Ness. I'm just not what women think of when they're looking for a husband. They don't want someone who's bipolar, and I don't want to be tied down to one woman for the rest of my life."

I could dispute the bipolar things. I wanted him just the way he was. But the other part . . . I couldn't breathe. My hands gripped his shirt, and I closed my eyes tightly as I tried to pretend I hadn't heard what he'd said. It was perfectly clear, though, and it rang in my head as my heart struggled to keep from cracking. My throat closed, and I forced a deep breath. How stupid could I be? We'd been together as a couple for five weeks. They'd been the greatest five weeks of my life, but that didn't mean anything, did it? Had I really expected Jake and me to last forever? He was my first love, and it was fairly well-known that first loves didn't last.

"Ness?" Jake made me look at him, and everything I'd tried so hard to hide came rushing to the surface. My heart shattered, and I sobbed twice. "Baby, what did I say? What's wrong?"

I shook my head and buried my face again. All I could think about was all the times he'd promised me that he would always be there for me. I had been stupid enough all this time to believe that he meant we'd always be together romantically. I knew the truth now. We'd always be friends, but this relationship wasn't going to last.

"How long?" I managed to ask.

"What? Nessie, please, I need to know what's going on." He pushed me back and wiped my cheek. "Please, baby."

"How long do you usually stay in a relationship, Jake?"

His brow furrowed. "I don't understand what you're asking me."

I closed my eyes and forced myself to calm down enough that I could at least get through this conversation with him. "How much longer do you want to be with me?"

His eyes changed, and his eyebrows grew closer together. "Don't fucking pull this shit again, Nessie."

I was so confused and scared and just . . . worn out. I'd already shed enough tears for the day; I didn't want to cry anymore. "You said you don't want to be tied down to one woman. I'm only one woman, Jake. If you don't want to be tied down to me, then how much longer do I get to be with you?"

He pushed me off his and got up. "I can't believe this. Are you really saying that I have to either marry you or break up with you?"

"Do you expect me to just stay your girlfriend forever? I mean, that would be fine, but you just said you don't want one woman forever. What about when you want something else? When I'm not enough for you?" Every part of me ached at the thought of him with another woman.

He ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the floor. I realized that he was trying to calm down, probably counting to himself like he'd said in therapy he often did. When he looked back up at me, he took a deep breath. "You're not a fucking _thing_ I can replace, Nessie."

"Fine, what about when you want some_one_ else?"

His hands clenched into fists, and he started to pace in front of me. "You asked me the goddamn question, Nessie, and I answered. Did you want me to fucking lie about it?"

I wanted to curl up and hide until all this was over. I hated the way he skipped around the subject when all I wanted was an answer. I stood up and shook my head. "No, I don't want you to lie. I guess I had just hoped for a different answer." One that didn't involve the impending end of our relationship. There wasn't even a point in bringing up any other part of the conversation I had wanted to have with him. "I need to lie down, Jake. I love you."

"Whatever. Go lay down." He waved his hand like he didn't care what I did. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and went down the hall. I paused for a moment at the door, silently begging for him to say it back to me. He only stood in the middle of the living room with his back to me. I gave up and went into the room, quietly shutting the door behind me.

I cried as I took my hair down and brushed it out. I wanted to be out of tears. It would be so much easier to clean my face if I wasn't sobbing. I cried harder when I took the dress off, remembering what he'd said earlier about how he wanted to take it off himself. There was no doubt in my mind that after this fight, it would be a long time before he would want to touch me again. I got into a nightgown and climbed into bed. It was still early, but I didn't care. I just wanted to escape from this day.

I laid awake for a long time listening to my own thoughts. Every now and then, I heard Jake moving around or doing something in the living room. It hurt in a strange way and yet felt good to know that he was there. The clock on the nightstand said seven o'clock when the bedroom door opened. My stomach was in my throat as I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to fight or argue anymore. I just wanted to be with my boyfriend for however long he gave me.

I listened to him shuffling around, probably getting changed. The bed depressed when he got in. I almost started to cry again when he very gently kissed my head.

"I love you, Ness," he whispered. He was quiet for a few long moments before he breathed a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. You have every right to wonder where this relationship is going." He still kept his voice down, and I couldn't tell if he knew I was bluffing or not. I decided to stay still and see what happened. "It scares me, though. You think I mean that I don't want to be with you forever, but that's not true. I do. Marriage makes it . . . legal. If I fuck up too badly now, then you're free to go. It would kill me to watch you walk away, but you could do it. If we got married and I fucked up, you'd have to fight with legal shit to get rid of everything that bound you to me. We've only been together a month, baby. I can't ask either of us to take such a huge step so soon. Please don't be angry with me. Just give me more time."

Tears rolled out of the corners of my eyes at his words and the emotion in his voice. It sounded like he'd have his own tears if I were to open my eyes. I waited for a minute to see if he was going to continue. Instead, he kissed my head again, shifted and sniffled, then relaxed.

I got brave and finally opened my eyes. Jake was on his side facing away from me. He'd taken off his shirt, and his skin beckoned my fingers. I gave in and reached out tentatively to touch his back. My stomach flipped when he started to turn around. His eyes were wet like I'd thought they'd be. He took a deep breath and touched my cheek lightly.

"You were awake, weren't you?" he asked softly.

I sniffled and nodded. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head and kissed my forehead. "Don't be."

I nodded and took a chance by moving closer to him. He pulled me into his arms. "Did you mean what you said?"

"Every word. I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were asking before. I thought about it a lot after you came back here. I'm an ass."

"You are not, Jake. I don't like it when you talk about yourself like that." My hands slipped back to his hair, and I combed it lightly through my fingers.

"Baby, it's only the truth."

I pursed my lips. "Fine. If you can go around calling yourself an asshole, then I'll start calling myself a freak."

His eyes darkened, and my stomach hurt again. What the hell was I doing? I didn't want to fight anymore! I sighed and shook my head, but he opened his mouth before I could.

"You're right, Nessie. I won't put up with you calling yourself anything but beautiful. I'll stop, okay?"

I smiled and reached up to kiss his lips. "Thank you."

His arms tightened around me. "So are you still upset with me?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not. I love you so much."

He kissed me softly. "I love you, too, baby. Can you give me some more time before we start talking about marriage and all that?"

"Of course. The only thing I really wanted earlier was to know that it could be a possible future for us. I know it's soon, and believe me, I wouldn't expect you to propose after only five weeks." I pushed myself closer to him. "And I think I overreacted again. I'm sorry for that."

He shrugged. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

"There's just one more thing I want to say about it." He nodded. "When you said that marriage makes everything legal? It does, but you couldn't ever fuck up too badly. I know we're both going to have bad days and shit is going to happen, but I'll always be here."

He didn't look convinced. "I love you, Ness. You're amazing."

"So are you, Jake."

He smiled and kissed me. My hands grabbed him tighter as he pulled me impossibly closer and opened his mouth. Nothing could ever feel as good as kissing him like this after a fight. He lifted my nightgown high enough to slip his hand underneath and rubbed my thigh gently for a moment. Then he hooked his fingers behind my knee and brought my leg over his as he pushed his hips closer.

I whimpered when I felt his erection. I had been so convinced I wouldn't get to feel it again for a while that somehow it felt better than usual.

"Can I take this off," he asked as he lifted the nightgown higher. I licked my lips and nodded. He helped me sit up long enough to remove it, then pushed me back down.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay in the dress," I said as he pushed my legs apart.

His hand skimmed the inside of my thighs as he answered. "It's all right, baby. I didn't stay in the penguin suit. It would have been nice to unzip the dress for you and all that, but the result is the same. You're closer to naked, and I am extremely turned on." He settled himself down and pushed his hips into me as he kissed me deeply.

I kissed him back and moaned into his mouth when his hands began to wander. I wanted him. I was so ready for everything, but so scared to tell him then ask him to wait.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked. He kissed me again and squeezed my breast.

He must have noticed how I'd tensed up. I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "I, um . . . I don't know."

He shook his head and kissed me again. "Yes, you do. Talk to me, Ness."

He pushed his hips into me, and I whimpered. "I want you," I heard myself say.

"I want you, too. God, I want to fuck you." He dipped his head and bit my throat.

I whined and grabbed his hair. "Me, too."

He paused, his body frozen for half a second before he pulled back. "You do?"

I swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, I do."

He looked skeptical for a moment, but then he smiled widely. "Really?"

This was what I was afraid of. "Yes, really. But, Jake . . . We can't yet."

"Why not?" His brow furrowed.

"Because we need a condom, and I need to be on birth control."

He nodded. "I have condoms, baby. You don't need to worry about that." He kissed me and pinched my nipple. "And I'm not going to say that birth control isn't important, because it is, but there are ways around that."

My fingers roamed over his chest as he moved against me again. "What ways?"

"The condom itself should do the trick, babe, but if it would make you feel more comfortable, I can pull out when I cum."

He sounded so confident that it eased some of my worry. "I want to. But will you . . . I don't know. Take it slow? I'm kind of nervous." I knew he'd see the truth in my eyes. I was scared.

He nodded and kissed me. "Yes, baby. I love you so much."

"I love you, too." I had kind of expected him to get the condom on before anything else happened, and I was confused when he started to kiss me down my chest. His tongue on my nipples felt too good to complain, though. It was when he started to slip my panties down that my breath caught. "Wait, Jake . . . the condom?"

I looked down at him, and he just smiled. "I'll get one in a minute, baby. I'm going to take care of you first." He kissed my stomach a few times, inching closer to my hips, and I had a strange feeling I knew what he meant. I still wasn't certain, though.

"Don't we take care of each other, though? Do you want me to touch you?" My hand automatically reached down to his erection.

He groaned and pulled my hand away gently. "As much as I want that, baby, I want to focus on you first. I don't know much about a woman's first time, but I do know that it's going to hurt and you probably won't cum. If you do, great. If not, at least you'll get one."

I smiled and nodded. He was too sweet. "Okay."

He inched down a little further and kissed me below my belly button. I shivered. "I'm going to take these off now, okay?" he said as he slipped his fingers under the waistband of my panties. I swallowed and nodded, then lifted my hips to make it easier for him.

Once they were gone, I felt so exposed. I'd never been completely naked in front of him, and it was nerve-wracking. I closed my legs to try to make the uneasiness go away, but it didn't help much. Jake kissed my nipple, then moved up to my lips. I crossed my ankles and looked up into his eyes, silently begging him to make it okay again. He lightly touched my cheek with the backs of his fingers and smiled such a handsome, relaxed smile that it did calm me down a little. "You are so beautiful, Nessie. There's no need to hide from me." His hand skimmed down my body to my hip. "Let me touch you, baby."

I licked my lips. "Just touch?"

He kissed me and very gently urged me to spread my legs by pressing against my thigh. "For now, baby. Let me make you comfortable again, then I want to eat you out."

I kind of knew what that meant. "That's, um . . . oral, right?" I blushed brightly.

He smiled again and nodded. "Yes, baby." His hand was a little more insistent against my leg the second time.

I took a deep breath and tried to relax. He managed to slip his hand between my thighs. I was used to him touching me now, and his fingers against the sensitive flesh between my legs only calmed me down even more. I closed my eyes and kissed him deeply. It didn't take long before he began to move down my body again. He licked and sucked on my breasts for a moment, then nibbled down my stomach. His two fingers inside me were so incredible, then he repositioned himself between my legs and licked me.

I gasped at the warm, wet sensation of his tongue. My hands reached down to grab his hair. He groaned, and the vibration caused me to whimper. He seemed to focus on my clit while his fingers pumped faster inside me. I threw my head back and moaned as my hips moved of their own accord. My back arched, and my legs began to shake.

Jake moved back, but his fingers didn't stop. "I want you to cum for me, baby," he said gruffly. He kissed me, and my body jerked. "Cum in my mouth."

I wasn't sure what he meant, but I couldn't find it in me to care at the moment. I whimpered again when he pulled his fingers out. He didn't hesitate to rub my clit as I felt his tongue replace his fingers. It was a different sensation, but it didn't take long to get me back to where I was a moment ago. My body tensed up, and I held my breath for a second before the orgasm hit. My hips bucked as wave after wave washed over me, and I barely heard his groan over the sound of my own cries. I sure felt it, though.

He pulled back and kissed my hip. I went limp and just lazily watched him as he licked his fingers. The first time he'd done that, I was a little repulsed by it. Now I found that I actually liked it. It wasn't so much the act as it was knowing that he liked the way I tasted enough to do that. He smiled at me and moved up to kiss me.

"How was that?" he asked. I hummed in complete bliss and smiled. He chuckled and got up to get a condom.

I was still panting when he parted my legs again. My whole body tensed up, but he kissed me deeply and slid his hand over my hip to touch me again. I whimpered into his mouth when he pushed a finger inside me. Even after what had just happened, it felt so good. He pulled his hand back after only a few strokes, though, and broke the kiss.

"I love you so much," he said softly.

"I love you, too, Jake."

I inhaled sharply when I felt the tip of his erection rub against me. I didn't get a chance to ask him to slow down. Without much of a warning, he kissed me again and pushed in. I gritted my teeth and tried not to scream, but I couldn't stop myself from crying out. On top of a rush of panic and feeling like I was being invaded, it hurt. Not just hurt, though; it stung like a part of me had been torn. I wasn't sure if Jake was moving slowly on purpose or if it was just my perception, but it seemed like forever before he finally stopped. I pried my fingernails from his back, and he winced.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I didn't know what to say. I met his eyes and shook my head. He kissed me and grunted as his hips moved against me. Normally, that would cause his erection to rub against me. Now it caused him to move even deeper. I gasped as a fresh sting brought more tears to my eyes.

"Jesus, Nessie, you're so fucking tight. Tell me what to do, baby? How can I make it okay?" He kissed me again.

I took a deep breath and tried to shift to get more comfortable. That caused him to hiss and buck his hips against me. I shook my head. "I don't know," I cried. "It hurts, Jake. And I'm scared!"

He pushed my hair away from my forehead and looked into my eyes. His were wild with lust, and I felt so bad for making him hold back like this. "It's okay, baby. Look at me, Ness. Look at us. I'm sorry it hurts, but we're together now. No matter what happens tonight, we made it this far. I love you, and I am so proud of you. Can I move and try to make it feel better?"

His eyes were pleading with me, and I nodded. He kissed me and began to move back. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to hold back the cries, but a few whimpers escaped. He set a slow pace, moving back and forth as he alternated between nibbling on my ear and speaking softly. The pain began to diminish after a few minutes, and the panic had worn away as well. The uncomfortable feeling of being invaded lingered, though. As much as I wanted to be happy that Jake and I were finally making love, I couldn't get over this desire to get rid of the pressure inside me.

"You feel so fucking good, Nessie," he said roughly against my ear. I shivered. "Goddammit . . . I love you, baby. I love you so much. Do you feel better?"

I nodded and kissed his cheek. "Yes. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. But I'm . . . It feels weird."

He slowed down even more and moved back to look at me. "Weird how?" He didn't stop moving.

I slid my hands around his neck to his jaw. "I don't know if I can explain it. Like there's a part of me that doesn't like it. But . . . I want to. I want it to feel good like it is for you."

He nodded and kissed me again. "I know this is going to sound bad, baby, but right now I don't want you to think about how it feels. I want you to think about what's happening. Instead of dwelling on that weirdness, think about this huge step we've just taken. Think about how much closer we are as a couple." He started to move faster again and closed his eyes for a moment. "Holy shit . . . think about how much I love you and how incredibly proud I am that you're able to do this."

I did what he asked me to do and repeated over and over again in my head that I was finally making love with Jake. We were a couple in every sense of the word. In a biblical way, we were consummating our relationship. As I thought that, I ran my fingers over his shoulders and arms, tense as he held himself up and rocked against me. I found my thoughts wandering as I felt his hard muscles move under his skin. He had been my friend from the first moment I met him so many months ago. I recalled the moment he returned to his desk at Debt to Wealth and his warm smile that cracked just a tiny chip in my self-imposed solitary confinement. I hadn't realized it at the time, but he became my protector as well. He was everything to me, and finally I was able to give everything back to him.

"Fuck, baby," he growled against my ear. His pace picked up a little, and I licked my lips as I focused on where we were joined. The pressure that had felt invasive before started to feel good. I tried to relax even more and concentrate on what this act meant for us. The more I reminded myself of why I had wanted to do this, the better it felt. It wasn't long before my hands became urgent against his shoulders, searching for anything to hold onto, and I whimpered with almost every move he made.

"How are you, baby?" Jake asked. His teeth were clenched, and it was obvious that he had to force the concentration to ask that question.

I couldn't blame him. Now that I was getting lost in the feelings as well, it was a little difficult to pay attention long enough to answer him. "So good," I managed. "I love you."

He kissed me, and both my hands went to his hair to hold him there. He grunted into my mouth and pushed against me with more force. My eyes closed, and I cried out as he kissed my jaw to my ear and bit me lightly. He shifted, and his thrusts changed slightly. They were faster, more desperate. His body tensed up, and I knew what was happening. I smiled to myself as he gasped and swore into my ear. A part of me was upset that he hadn't pulled out like he said he would, but another part of me didn't care. The condom was enough, right?

Jake all but collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily. His arms held him up still, and he kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I combed my fingers through his hair, smoothing out what I'd been holding so tightly.

"I'm sorry, Ness . . . I got caught up in you."

I smiled. "I'm not upset about it. Do you think we're okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I still think birth control is a good idea, but I'm sure we're fine." He kissed me again one more time before he moved back. My body stung again when he was gone. I gasped from the unexpected sensation. "Are you all right, baby?" he asked as he walked to the bathroom.

I whimpered and nodded. "I think so. That just hurt." I tried to sit up, but that only made it burn as well.

"Oh, my God." I looked up at Jake, standing in the doorway and looking at his hands. I couldn't see what he was so upset about.

"What is it?"

He came back to me quickly, and I was surprised when he grabbed my knees and spread my legs. "Holy shit. Nessie . . . What the fuck did I do to you?"

I furrowed my brow and looked down. The insides of my thighs, the sheets, and his fingers were stained with blood. A lot of blood. Tears welled in my eyes. Was that normal? I didn't know, but it didn't seem like it should be. Not that much.

"Are you okay, Nessie? Please tell me the truth." His eyes were pleading with me.

I took a moment to really feel out my body and assess the damage that had been done. It still hurt, but it didn't make sense to me why it would feel so good toward the end if he'd wounded me. I licked my lips. "I think so. It's uncomfortable, though. I mean, it stings." I tried again to sit up, and this time Jake helped me. I hissed and held his shoulders tightly.

He kissed my forehead. "Do you want to take a shower or a bath?"

The pain was really starting to worry me. This couldn't be right. "I don't know."

"We at least need to clean up, baby. Come to the bathroom with me, and we'll decide in there, okay?"

I went with him, and every step hurt worse than the last. I kind of wanted to take a bath because laying down with him like that sounded heavenly, but I could only imagine what the hot water would feel like. We took a shower instead, and he took his time as he cleaned every inch of me very gently.

I helped him change the sheets when were done, and I almost laughed at how we must look. Both of us naked and wet as we spread blankets over the bed. We finally laid back down, and Jake pulled me up close to him.

"Are you comfortable, Ness?" he asked softly.

I nodded. "Yes. I'm always comfortable like this." I snuggled a little closer.

He kissed my head. "That's good, baby, but I meant are you okay without getting dressed?"

I blushed and kissed his shoulder. "I'm okay. I don't feel nervous or exposed at all. I'm just. . . happy."

"You don't know how happy that makes me, baby. I love you." He lifted my chin enough to kiss my lips. "So much."

I smiled. "I love you, too."

He held me tightly, and I sighed contentedly as I rested against him with my arm across his chest and my leg wound with his. I felt so much closer to him now than I ever thought possible. It wasn't just the sex or the lack of clothes; it was everything. Every little thing that had happened that day had added up to this moment. I closed my eyes and smiled to myself for everything I never thought I could have, but now all those dreams were coming true. It didn't matter that I didn't have a proposal or that the sex hadn't gone exactly the way I wanted it to. I'd never expected a ring so soon anyway, and in the end I had successfully lost my virginity to the man I loved. And besides, I had the possible future ahead of me that I wanted, and that was what mattered. Who knew what would actually happen, but at least I could hold onto the hope that, someday, Jake and I would make it legal and talk about starting a family.

* * *

The days that passed after Leah's wedding were incredible. While Jake was at work on Sunday, I called Leah to talk about the night before. She and Sam were planning to take their honeymoon after her current job was over, and until then, she'd just resume normal life as Mrs. Uley. She came over and talked to me for over two hours about everything, and surprised me by how happy she was for Jake and me. I knew she liked me, and I knew she thought I was good for him, but it was still weird in a good way. She told me to go down to the health clinic to get started on birth control until I found a doctor that could prescribe something for me.

She also told me that the blood was normal. "You were a virgin, right?" she asked. I nodded, a little embarrassed. "Don't worry about it, Ness. Every girl is different when it comes to bleeding after sex for the first time. I hardly bled at all, but I lost mine to a man with a four-inch pencil penis. Jake's a nine-inch monster, so of course bleeding is pretty much to be expected."

I blushed and wondered why it didn't upset me when she talked about him like that. I hadn't gotten upset or weird about her and Jake's relationship in a while, though. And now she was married. "That's good to know."

"Are you feeling better today?"

I shrugged. "It still hurts." I frowned.

She smirked. "It will for another day or two, I imagine. I would recommend that you don't wait too long to have sex again, though. It'll probably hurt the first few times, but after that you'll get the hang of it. Big dicks are always nice, too. I'll bet he turns you into a nympho before long." She chuckled.

I raised my eyebrow. "A what?"

"A sex addict." She said it matter-of-factly, and it made me laugh. I could tell she was at least being partially serious.

She sat back in her seat and furrowed her brow. "Are you okay?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. My stomach just hurts. It's been acting up here and there lately. I think it was just all the stress from the wedding preparation."

"I'm sorry. Do you want something? I, um . . ." I stopped myself from bringing up a subject that would hurt me.

"You what?" Leah leaned forward again and met my eyes. "Don't close up on me, Ness. What were you going to say?"

I shook my head. "It was nothing. Do you want a soda?"

She pursed her lips for a moment. "No, thank you. You know, I know exactly what Jake and that therapist of yours would say about that. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine. I won't push. But I'm just as good a listener as Jake is. Remember that, okay?"

I smiled and sniffled. I hadn't even realized that my eyes had watered. Before I could stop myself, I leaned into her. "My dad always made tea when my stomach hurt," I said. "Peppermint. He'd tell me to breathe it in before I drank it." I closed my eyes tightly against the memories and wished Jake was there.

Leah stroked my hair gently. "My brother did that for me, too. And my grandmother. It was always chamomile tea, though. They both died around the same time, when I was in fifth grade."

I never even knew that she had a real brother. "What was your brother like?" I asked. Having something else to focus on cleared my head and loosened my chest a little.

"He was a typical teenaged big brother. He picked on me every chance he got, blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life, and threatened to beat anyone up who so much as looked at me wrong. He'd had seizures since I could remember, though, and eventually they killed him." She sighed and laid her cheek on top of my head. "I miss him, of course. I met Seth about a year after he died. He was in second grade and getting picked on by the fourth-grade students because he was so small. I took him under my wing and taught him how to fight back before I moved on to junior high."

I sat up a little, and she moved back. We talked for a little while longer, and she left shortly before two o'clock. I was excited to tell Jake what I'd learned about our lovemaking the night before. I was nervous to try again so soon, but I wanted to talk to him before I made a decision about that.

He was relieved like I'd thought he would be to know that everything that happened was normal. He also told me that we were waiting until I felt better before we tried again. Regardless of what Leah said, he wasn't going to hurt me like that again. I smiled and kissed him; he was too sweet. On Monday, I turned on the computer for the first time. I looked up the health clinic and was happily surprised to find it was within walking distance. I got what I needed together and went down to see about getting on something.

The experience was strange but not bad. After a quick physical, I was given a packet and instructions to start on the first Sunday after my next period started. I had hoped I'd be able start right away, but I didn't complain. I was due to start in about a week anyway. Jake was proud of me for doing it on my own, but made a point of telling me that he wouldn't have minded going with me. I assured him I knew, but just wanted to get it done.

Tuesday was the day of therapy again. The bruise was gone, and I was thankful that I didn't have to cover anything up again. Jake's arm was also healed enough that he didn't need a bandage anymore. In Dr. Furst's office, we talked about the week we'd had. He was happy to hear that I'd managed to talk about changing my dream, but wanted me to work on it more. He said he'd prefer at least once every other day, if not every day, whether I had a nightmare or not. I wasn't happy about that; I didn't see how it would change anything. He also said I should give the medicine at least one more week before we looked into anything else. He said medicine hopping could be dangerous if I didn't give my system a chance to catch up with what I was putting in it. He also told Jake that he needed to talk more about what was bothering him. Jake seemed to get defensive, but Dr. Furst didn't back down. He said it was even more important than the medicine that he let out his frustrations before they became a problem.

When we got home after therapy, we sat on the couch and talked for a long time. Some of it was about my dreams, some about the people at Jake's work that upset him. Some of it was random things that didn't matter, but it still felt good to say them. We made love again that night, but it still hurt really badly. We were both prepared for the blood, but there wasn't nearly as much the second time. He took care of me again afterward, and I very nearly cried because of how happy I was. He held me tightly in bed, both of us naked, and I just prayed that our bad times were behind us. Now that I had everything, I wanted to keep it.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!


	41. Dead Star Shine

A/N: I am pleasantly surprised that no one got upset with me/Jake/Ness for the argument in the last chapter. All of my readers are just the best ever. I love you all :)

I hadn't planned on redoing Leah's wedding night in Jake's POV, but I got a ton of requests for it. So here you guys go; enjoy the multiple lemons an extra long chapter! Consider it my way of celebrating 40 chapters, lol. I am super excited about this one. And of course this song had to be featured again. :) Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty

Dead Star Shine

_Dead star shine, light up the sky  
I'm all out of breath, my walls are closing in  
Days go by—give me a sign  
Come back to the end  
The shepherd of the damned_

-Give Me a Sign – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

_**Jacob**_

Saturday was one of those days that seemed made only to test my self-control. Leah's wedding was nice, and I really was glad that she had a good time, but I could have beat the shit out of so many people. Not only did a few men twice my age stare at Ness like she was the filet mignon, there was the bullshit with Georgia, or whatever the fuck her name was, and her sisters. I had always said that I would never hit a woman on purpose, but fuck if I didn't want to slap those bitches.

I had been worried that I really would have to kill someone when Nessie had one of the worst breakdowns I'd seen since we went in her dad's room. She said it was Seth's knife that triggered it, and it took her reminding me that he didn't know about her situation to calm down a little bit. I dragged Leah away from Sam to have her find something to help Ness with her makeup. I wouldn't have given a shit about it if I didn't know that people would look at her funny. My temper was already threatening to get the best of me; it would just be easier to avoid it if I could.

Leah pissed me off a little when she took Nessie and made her stand in the group of women for the bouquet toss. It was a stupid tradition anyway. I had to wonder what the hell was up when Nessie caught it. She didn't even have to try, it just landed on her. I refused to get up for the garter toss. No way in fucking hell was I risking it. Leah gave me a dirty look, but I ignored her.

We finally left a little while later, and I made myself calm down when we got home. It was just Ness and me again, and I could relax. I got rid of the tie that had been choking me since I put it on and unbuttoned my shirt a little bit. Ness lost the shoes and her jacket, and I asked her if she wanted to change.

"No," she said with a sweet but shy smile. "I want to look at you like this for a little longer."

I put my hands on her hips. "That's okay. I don't want you to take off the dress anyway. I want to do it for you later." I raised my eyebrows and pulled her close as I kissed her. Her hands went to my shoulders and held gently.

"I love you, Jake."

I held her tighter. "I love you, too, baby. Did you have a good time? I mean other than the shitty parts."

She smiled. "Yeah, I did. It was a beautiful wedding. Did you?"

I smirked. "I guess. The food was the best part. Well, that and having you by my side."

She blushed. "I'm sure."

It didn't sound like her usual modest joking. She sounded like she really didn't believe me. Not only that, but there was something in her eyes that looked sad.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded and gave me one of the worst fake smiles I'd seen on her in a long time. "Yeah, I'm all right."

She knew me better than that. I furrowed my brow. "Nessie, don't do this. What's the matter, baby?" I rubbed her back for a moment until I noticed her eyes were wet. I took her to the couch and pulled her onto my lap. "Talk to me."

She sighed. "Okay. I will, but . . . Jake, I'm scared." She looked at me, and a tear fell. I was starting to get really worried. "Before I tell you, I want you to promise me that you won't get upset."

She knew I couldn't really promise that. It was obviously pretty damn serious to her, though, so I did it anyway. "I promise, Nessie. What could be so bad?" I tried to encourage her.

"It's something that we've already talked about, and I don't even know why it's suddenly bothering me so badly. Just after today . . . I don't know." She sniffled and shook her head.

There were so many things about the day that could be bothering her. "What part of today?"

She leaned into me and sniffled again. "All of it. Will you tell me something first?"

"Anything."

"Why don't you ever want to get married?"

_Married_? Aw, fuck. I probably should have known that Leah's wedding would get her thinking about that shit. I shrugged and tried to think of something to say. "I don't know, Ness." In the end, I said what I'd all but trained myself to say with a few past girlfriends. "I'm just not what women think of when they're looking for a husband. They don't want someone who's bipolar, and I don't want to be tied down to one woman for the rest of my life." I didn't really think about what I said. It had gotten girls off my back about marriage before, why shouldn't it work now?

Nessie tensed up on me and started to breathe heavily. I expected her to be maybe a little disappointed but drop the subject. "Ness?" I made her look at me. I did not expect her to start crying like I'd just told her a beloved pet was dead. "Baby, what did I say? What's wrong?"

She shook her head and pushed her face into my neck again. "How long?" she sobbed.

"What? Nessie, please, I need to know what's going on." I pushed her back, so confused, and wiped her face. I couldn't stand seeing her cry like this, especially when I had no idea why. If I'd somehow reminded her of her dad . . . That didn't make sense. "Please, baby?"

"How long do you usually stay in a relationship, Jake?"

"I don't understand what you're asking me." Why couldn't she just tell me what was bothering her?

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "How much longer do you want to be with me?"

Fucking hell. Not this. We were supposed to be past this! "Don't fucking pull this shit again, Nessie."

"You said you don't want to be tied down to one woman. I'm only one woman, Jake. If you don't want to be tied down to me, then how much longer do I get to be with you?"

I probably should have taken a minute to calm down and listen to what she was actually saying. It was a struggle to stay as calm as I did, though. I moved her to the side and got up, determined that I wouldn't yell at her or walk away. "I can't believe this. Are you really saying that I have to either marry you or break up with you?" That was a decision I just couldn't make right now, and I prayed she would understand that.

"Do you expect me to just stay your girlfriend forever? I meant, that would be fine, but you just said you don't want one woman forever. What about when you want something else? When I'm not enough for you?" Her voice broke a little at the end. It was obvious that she was very upset about whatever the fuck she was talking about, but I couldn't even process it all. What I heard was her demanding to get married or for me to cast her off like something used and broken.

I had gone over this with her a million fucking times. I'd said the same words time and again, and it still didn't get through to her. I stopped and counted to twenty, trying to at least stay calm enough to see this thing through, wherever she decided to take it. One thing had to be said, though. "You're not a fucking _thing_ I can replace, Nessie."

"Fine, what about when you want some_one_ else?"

This was just fucking ridiculous. "You asked me the goddamn question, Nessie, and I answered. Did you want me to fucking lie about it?"

She stood up. "No, I don't want you to lie. I guess I had just hoped for a different answer." Her voice sounded so broken. I hated that I couldn't give her what she wanted, but there was just no way. "I need to lie down, Jake. I love you."

In my head, I said it back. Something inside me held it back, though. I was pissed off that she still refused to see there were more options. It wasn't all about getting married or letting her go. "Whatever. Go lay down."

I could hear her crying in the other room even with the door shut. It broke my heart, but what could I do? I wanted to do something. As I paced the room and thought about how the fuck I was going to fix this situation, something dawned on me. Nessie had always been afraid that I was going to get sick of her. She'd been so nervous to live with me because she was convinced I'd ask her to leave someday. I had finally gotten her to believe me that I wasn't going to do that to her, then I turn around and all but tell her that all her fears were going to come true someday.

I couldn't even believe myself. Once I realized that she had reacted that way because I gave her a damn good reason to, I wanted to run back to the room and apologize. She was still crying. I could only imagine what she was thinking. I held myself back because I wanted to have the right words to make it okay. I didn't want to stumble around and give her any more reason to be unsure about us. I kept pacing as I organized my thoughts and thought about the real reason that I didn't want to get married. It all boiled down to me being bipolar. I only prayed that this didn't set her back or get between us. I needed her, but I also needed to make sure she had an easy way out. I knew it would take a lot to scare her away, but I was still walking on thin ice every fucking day.

When I finally went back to the bedroom, she was asleep. I sighed and got ready for bed, then climbed in beside her. The sight of the tear tracks on her face only hurt me worse. I deserved it, though. She didn't. I kissed her head softly, a part of me hoping she'd wake up, and another part praying she stayed asleep.

"I love you, Ness." I waited for a minute to see if she'd stir. She didn't, and I sighed. "I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. You have every right to wonder where this relationship is going." Somehow it seemed easier to say what I needed to say without her staring at me. I'd just have to say it all again in the morning and pray she could forgive me, but right now she wasn't fighting back. Right now she wasn't still bawling and begging me to reconsider. "It scares me, though. You think I mean that I don't want to be with you forever, but that's not true. I do. Marriage makes it . . . legal. If I fuck up too badly now, then you're free to go. It would kill me to watch you walk away, but you could do it. If we got married and I fucked up, you'd have to fight with legal shit to get rid of everything that bound you to me. We've only been together a month, baby. I can't ask either of us to take such a huge step so soon. Please don't be angry with me. Just give me more time."

I kissed her head again and wished I could hold her. I didn't want to wake her up, though. I knew she had to be tired after the day she'd had. So instead, I turned around to resist the temptation to bug her and thought about what could happen in the morning. Not two minutes later, I felt her fingers on my back. I was both nervous and relieved, and I forced myself to turn around. The look in her eyes told me she'd heard everything I'd said. I touched her cheek.

"You were awake, weren't you?"

She sniffled and nodded. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head and kissed her forehead. "Don't be."

She moved a little closer, and I pulled her into me. It felt so good to have her there, right where she belonged. "Did you mean what you said?"

"Every word. I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were asking before. I thought about it a lot after you came back here. I'm an ass."

She slid her hands up my shoulders to my hair. "You are not, Jake. I don't like it when you talk about yourself like that."

"Baby, it's only the truth." Couldn't she see that?"

She pursed her lips. "Fine. If you can go around calling yourself an asshole, then I'll start calling myself a freak."

And I wouldn't let her. She sure as hell was not a freak, no matter what any fucker said. I understood what she was saying, though. "You're right, Nessie. I won't put up with you calling yourself anything but beautiful. I'll stop, okay?"

She leaned up to kiss my lips. "Thank you."

Now for the hard part. My arms tightened around her, nervous to bring this shit up again. "So are you still upset with me?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm not. I love you so much."

I kissed her. "I love you, too, baby. Can you give me some more time before we start talking about marriage and all that?"

"Of course. The only thing I really wanted earlier was to know that it could be a possible future for us. I know it's soon, and believe me, I wouldn't expect you to propose after only five weeks. And I think I overreacted again. I'm sorry for that."

It was my fault anyway. I shrugged. "There's nothing to be sorry for." I couldn't even describe how perfect my Ness was. I also couldn't blame her for needing to know that someday we would take that step.

"There's just one more thing I want to say about it." I nodded for her to continue. "When you said that marriage makes everything legal? It does, but you couldn't ever fuck up too badly. I know we're both going to have bad days and shit is going to happen, but I'll always be here."

This whole turning the tables thing was a little annoying. I didn't like seeing that her fear of me getting sick of her really was a legitimate concern because I was pretty much afraid of the same thing. Not like her, but in the same sense. She was afraid that someday I'd say enough was enough of her photosensitivity or her PTSD or whatever the fuck and get rid of her. I was nervous that I'd do something too drastic and she'd see that I am someone she should be afraid of. I'd said the same thing to her over and over again. I'll always be here for her; I'd never get sick of her. To me, it should be obvious that I knew all of her ins and outs, good days and bad days, and I was ready for whatever either of her conditions put her through. She needed someone to be there with her and help her fight it and get better. Me, though . . . She knew me. Of course she did. But that didn't mean someday something wouldn't happen that was too much for her to handle. I always hated it when she tried to tell me I didn't know what I was saying, though, so I didn't try that. I just half-assed agreed with her. "I love you, Ness. You're amazing."

"So are you, Jake."

I smiled and kissed her. After this whole fucking day, I really needed her. I pulled her as close as I could get her and deepened the kiss as I lifted her nightgown up to rub her thigh. My dick was already hard and aching for some kind of friction. I pulled her leg over me, and she whimpered.

"Can I take this off?" I asked, pushing the nightgown higher. She licked her lips and nodded, and I helped her sit up long enough to strip it off of her. I was so happy that she'd gotten more comfortable without so many clothes on. I pushed her legs apart and wished I could just fuck her.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay in the dress," she said softly.

I touched the inside of her thighs. "It's all right, baby. I didn't stay in the penguin suit. It would have been nice to unzip the dress for you and all that, but the result is the same. You're closer to naked, and I am extremely turned on." I got between her legs and pushed against her as I kissed her. She moaned so sweetly as I grabbed her tits and moved against her harder. She tensed up a little, just enough to be noticeable.

"What's wrong, baby?"

She licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I, um . . . I don't know."

I shook my head. We weren't going through this again tonight. "Yes, you do. Talk to me, Ness." I pushed against her harder, and she whimpered.

"I want you."

"I want you, too. God, I want to fuck you." I bit her throat, and she grabbed my hair tightly.

"Me, too."

She'd never said that before. At least, not like that. Not like she was actually ready and willing at that moment. I pulled back and met her eyes. "You do?"

She swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, I do."

I stared at her for a second, trying to decide if she was being honest with me. I saw nothing but desire. I smiled and prayed this could actually happen. "Really?"

"Yes, really. But, Jake . . . we can't yet."

What? "Why not?" There was absolutely no reason why I couldn't fuck her if she was ready.

"Because we need a condom, and I need to be on birth control."

I nodded. "I have condoms, baby. You don't need to worry about that." I was about to get sneaky, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I kissed her and pinched her nipple, hoping to keep her riled up so she'd agree. "And I'm not going to say that birth control isn't important, because it is, but there are ways around that."

She touched my chest lightly as I moved against her and prayed she'd see it my way. "What ways?"

"The condom itself should do the trick, babe, but if it would make you feel more comfortable, I can pull out when I cum."

"I want to. But will you . . . I don't know. Take it slow? I'm kind of nervous." She looked at me, and it was obvious she was fucking terrified. I had to beat down my own desire to make sure I could do what she needed me to do.

I nodded and kissed her. "Yes, baby. I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

I had always been the type of guy to get my girl off first. I'd heard too many stories about unsatisfied women that I made it a point to please whoever I was with. It seemed even more important with Nessie, though. I wanted to give her a good first impression so she'd want to do it again. Often. That and the whole virgin not getting to cum because of the pain thing worried me a little. I kissed her down to her chest and played with her tits for a moment before I started to ease her panties down. She tensed up and caught my hand.

"Wait, Jake . . . the condom?"

I smiled up at her. "I'll get one in a minute, baby. I'm going to take care of you first." I kissed her stomach, working my way down, but she still didn't relax.

"Don't we take care of each other, though? Do you want me to touch you?" She reached out and grabbed my dick through my sweats.

I groaned. I really did want her touch. I wanted to fuck her more, though. "As much as I want that, baby, I want to focus on you first. I don't know much about a woman's first time, but I do know that it's going to hurt and you probably won't cum. If you do, great. If not, at least you'll get one."

She smiled and nodded. "Okay."

I moved down further and kissed her under her belly button. Goosebumps raised over her skin, and I smiled to myself as I slipped my fingers under her panties. "I'm going to take these off now, okay?" She nodded and helped me, but then she tensed up again.

I knew I'd have to work her through each new step. Instead of trying to get her to spread her legs again, I moved back up to lay beside her and lightly touched her cheek. "You are so beautiful, Nessie. There's no need to hide from me." My fingers slid down her body to her hip. "Let me touch you, baby."

She licked her lips. "Just touch?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking because she wanted more or if she was trying to reassure herself that nothing else would happen. I kissed her and tried to urge her to open up for me. "For now, baby. Let me make you comfortable again, then I want to eat you out."

"That's um . . . oral, right?" She blushed.

I nodded. "Yes, baby."

She took a deep breath, and I was finally able to get my hand between her thighs. As I touched her, she loosened up more until I could really play with her pussy. Her eyes closed as I kissed her and fingered her. I worked my way down her body again and put myself between her legs without removing my fingers. I licked her sweet clit, and she gasped. Her hands gripped my hair tightly, making me groan against her. I didn't stop until she got close.

"I want you to cum for me, baby," I said. I kissed her clit. "Cum in my mouth." I wanted to taste every part of her orgasm. I fucked her with my tongue while I rubbed her clit faster with my fingers. It didn't take long for her to get there. She froze for a second before she moaned loudly and bucked her hips against my face. The rush of wetness went right into my mouth, and I groaned. She tasted so fucking good. I licked my fingers and moved up to kiss her. "How was that?"

She hummed and smiled the most relaxed smile. I chuckled and got up to get a condom on. I parted her legs as I got on the bed and leaned over to kiss her. She whimpered when I pushed a finger inside her again to make sure she was ready. I pulled back and got into position. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Jake."

She gasped a little, and I kissed her again and pushed in. Her fingernails against my back dug in as she cried out. I probably should have done some research on virgins and how to make it hurt less, because it was hell trying to stop myself from just plunging into her and getting what I needed. I was maybe a little rougher than I should have been. I couldn't get in all the way, either. I made it most of the way and couldn't get any further. I took a minute to breathe and at least try to calm down. She pulled her hands back, and I winced from the pain. I could just imagine how much worse off she was, though.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She looked at me and shook her head. I was afraid of that. I kissed her and grunted. It was too hard to stay still. I pushed a little deeper, and she gasped again.

"Jesus, Nessie, you're so fucking tight." No wonder guys liked virgins so damn much. "Tell me what to do, baby? How can I make it okay?"

She took a deep breath and squirmed. Her pussy tightened around me as she moved, which caused a shock of pleasure to run straight through me. I hissed, and my hips moved without my permission. Nessie shook her head. "I don't know," she cried. "It hurts, Jake. And I'm scared!"

I pushed her hair out of her face and focused on her eyes. They were wet and so full of fear and pain that I made myself calm down enough to reassure her. "It's okay, baby. Look at me, Ness. Look at us. I'm sorry it hurts, but we're together now. No matter what happens tonight, we made it this far. I love you, and I am so proud of you. Can I move and try to make it feel better?" There was no way I could just stop now, and I really prayed she didn't ask me to. She nodded, though, and I kissed her as I pulled back. If I thought going in was hell, there were no words for how hard it was to move slowly. I loved her too much to make it hurt any worse than it already was, though, and I was so goddamn proud that she was even able to go all the way. She whimpered a few times, and I made myself focus enough to talk to her a little bit, even if just to tell her how proud I was. She seemed to calm down a little bit, and I hoped that meant it didn't hurt as bad.

"You feel so fucking good, Nessie," I said roughly. "Goddammit . . . I love you, baby. I love you so much. Do you feel better?"

She nodded and kissed my cheek. "Yes. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. But I'm . . . it feels weird."

I didn't like that. I moved back just enough to look at her, but I couldn't convince myself to stop moving. "Weird how?"

Her hands slid around my neck to my jaw. "I don't know if I can explain it. Like there's a part of me that doesn't like it. But . . . I want to. I want it to feel good like it is for you."

I nodded. I wanted that, too. I wanted to make her cum and scream my name with pleasure. I kissed her and fought to use whatever brain cells I had left to come up with something that could make it better for her. "I know this is going to sound bad, baby, but right now I don't want you to think about how it feels. I want you to think about what's happening. Instead of dwelling on that weirdness, think about this huge step we've just taken. Think about how much closer we are as a couple." I moved faster without realizing I'd made that decision, and closed my eyes. "Holy shit . . ." I really needed her to want to do this again soon. "Think about how much I love you and how incredibly proud I am that you're able to do this."

She nodded, and I did my best to keep up the slow pace. As good as it felt to finally be inside her very tight pussy, I found myself going over the same things I'd asked her to think about. As a couple, we were so much closer than we ever had been before. It wasn't just because I was fucking her. At the risk of sounding cliché, I could say that I'd never felt a connection like this on so many different levels. As her fingers explored my arms and eventually gripped my shoulders, I thought about everything she was to me. She always had been more than a woman I wanted to fuck, and even though this hurdle had been passed, I was already looking forward to the next one.

"Fuck, baby," I growled as I tried to keep my head on. It wasn't long before she was whimpering again, only it was much different than before. "How are you, baby?"

"So good," she sighed. The sound of her pleasure went all through me. "I love you."

I kissed her, and her hands gripped my hair. Her cries were too much; I let myself go a little bit and pushed against her harder. My release hit me hard, and I didn't even realize what I'd done until it was too late. I kissed her. "I love you."

She combed her fingers through my hair. "I love you, too."

"I'm sorry, Ness . . . I got caught up in you."

She smiled. "I'm not upset about it." Thank God. "Do you think we're okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I still think birth control is a good idea, but I'm sure we're fine." I kissed her again then pulled back to clean up a little. She gasped, and I asked her if she was okay as I walked to the bathroom and took the condom off.

"I think so. That just hurt."

I tossed the condom, then I froze. My fingers were covered in blood. I looked down at myself, and I pretty much had it everywhere. With the fucking hell? "Oh, my God."

"What is it?" Nessie asked. That's when it dawned on me. I went back to her and spread her legs. I felt sick to my stomach as I stared at her.

"Holy shit. Nessie . . . What the fuck did I do to you?" She leaned up to look down at what I was seeing. "Are you okay, Nessie? Please tell me the truth." I looked into her eyes to make sure she didn't lie to me.

She looked down for a moment before she licked her lips. "I think so. It's uncomfortable, though. I mean, it stings." She tried to sit up, and I helped her. She hissed and grabbed my shoulders. Dammit, how could I do that to her?

I kissed her forehead. "Do you want to take a shower or a bath?"

"I don't know." She sounded so scared. Just another reason that I should have done more research. I had no fucking clue if this was normal. I did know that she liked it toward the end, so I couldn't have injured her too badly. I hoped.

"We at least need to clean up, baby. Come to the bathroom with me, and we'll decide in there, okay?"

She decided to take a shower, and I took extra care to make damn sure I didn't hurt her anymore as I cleaned her up from head to toe. We changed the sheets after, then we got into bed. It didn't escape my notice that she was still naked. I hoped she didn't put anything on, but I had to make sure she was okay.

"Are you comfortable, Ness?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes. I'm always comfortable like this."

I smiled and kissed her head. "That's good, baby. But I meant are you okay without getting dressed?"

She kissed my shoulder. "I'm okay. I don't feel nervous or exposed at all. I'm just . . . happy."

"You don't know how happy that makes me, baby. I love you." I made her look at me so I could kiss her lips. "So much."

She smiled. "I love you, too."

She settled back down against me, and I held her tightly as we both relaxed enough to fall asleep.

* * *

The next few days were pretty damn good days. Although I had never felt like I was missing out on much before Nessie let me fuck her, I felt so much better now that she had. When I got home on Sunday, I was relieved to hear that she had talked to Leah and found out that the blood was normal. It also made me happy to know that Ness felt comfortable enough to call Leah like that. Monday was pretty good. As much as I wanted to talk to Leah about shit, I waited until after work and took her home. She told me what she'd talked to Ness about. I was surprised when I got home and Ness told me she'd gone down the health clinic by herself. I was proud of her for doing it on her own, but I had to make sure she knew I would have gone with her.

I wasn't eager for therapy on Tuesday. Dr. Furst said exactly what I knew he was going to say. I had to talk about my feelings more. It was stupid, but I agreed only because Nessie didn't put up a fight when he told her to talk about her dreams more often. After we got home and talked for a while about almost everything, I asked her how she was feeling. She smiled coyly and said she was much better. She still asked me to go slow and still cried the first little while. There wasn't as much blood, though, and she seemed to recover a little faster. I wasn't sure if that was because she was expecting it this time or what. Either way, I took care of her and made sure she was comfortable without clothes on before we went to bed.

Wednesday morning I woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off. I looked down at Nessie sleeping so peacefully beside me and smiled. It was difficult sometimes to believe that the last few days had actually happened. I reached out and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I kissed her forehead softly and sighed. I wondered how long it would be before I could fuck her without hurting her. As good as it felt for me, I hated myself when she cried from both pain and fear.

Nessie whimpered, and her fingers on my chest tightened into a fist. My heart sped up, and I grabbed her shoulder to shake her. "Baby, wake up." I'd never seen the beginning of one of her nightmares; I didn't know if that fist meant something bad or if it was just a regular dream. I couldn't take a chance, though.

She whimpered again, but her eyes opened. She blinked a few times and yawned as she rolled on her back to stretch. With her arms above her head and her back arched seductively, I took the opportunity to squeeze her tit lightly. She smiled and relaxed, but left her arms up. "Good morning, Jake," she said softly.

"Morning, baby. Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Yes. Why?"

I smiled with relief and let my hand wander down her stomach. "You made a noise and your hand balled up, so I wasn't sure if you were having a nightmare or not." My fingers went under the blanket, and I pushed it down further to look at her body.

"You're sweet, Jake. I wasn't having a nightmare. I think I was dreaming something, but I don't remember what it was." She furrowed her brow for a second, probably trying to remember, but let it go a moment later.

I couldn't keep my hands off her. I touched her thigh gently and moved myself down to kiss her tits. "That's good, Ness. I'm glad it wasn't something bad." She let me spread her legs and moaned as I cupped her pussy. She wasn't as wet as I wanted her to be, so I licked my fingers and rubbed her clit. "I want to eat you out, baby."

She moaned again. "Okay."

I got up and slipped my arm under her to reposition her at the edge of the bed. She looked at me with a confused eyebrow raised, but I just kissed her chest and kneeled at the side of the bed. She raised her head to look at me as I parted her legs and slid my hands up her thighs. I watched her face for a moment as I touched her pussy, gently sliding my fingers up and down her slit. Her eyes closed as she sighed erotically and laid her head back down. I smiled to myself and finally moved her legs to my shoulders and grabbed her hips to pull her a little closer to me.

I kissed her thigh and found her clit again. She was dripping wet now, but I teased her for another moment. Her hips were rocking back and forth before I pushed two fingers inside her. She moaned loudly, and her back arched. I leaned down and licked her. She gasped and gripped my hair in her hands. My dick hurt with how badly I needed her, and I prayed I'd have enough time to fuck her after I made her cum. I sucked on her clit as I moved my fingers and looked up at her body. Her nipples were so tight as she writhed, and her legs quivered on my shoulders. Her hands tightened in my hair. I reached up with my free hand to squeeze her tits and rolled a nipple between my fingers. Her body twisted, and her thighs tightened around my head. I had a feeling she was close to cumming.

I flicked my tongue faster across her little nub and curled my fingers hoping to find her g-spot. Her back arched higher, and her whole body tensed. It was only a second before he pussy walls tightened like a clamp around my fingers, and she let out a loud, desperate cry. It could have been just because I loved her more than I'd ever loved any other woman, but her orgasms were the sexiest I'd ever experienced.

"Jake!" she moaned, her voice unsteady. One of her hands grabbed mine on her tit while the other went somewhere above her head. Her body shuddered again, and I kept up every movement until she pushed on my shoulder with her foot. I pulled back and kissed her thigh.

"I love you, baby," I said. I licked my fingers and kissed her back up her body to her lips.

Her chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, but she smiled so beautiful and lazy. "I love you, too." I looked at the clock and groaned. She furrowed her brow with worry and slid her hands up my arms. "What's wrong?"

I kissed her lips again. "I hoped I'd have enough time to fuck you."

She looked over and frowned. "You're not even supposed to be awake for another fifteen minutes."

"I know, baby. I woke up a while ago." It wouldn't even be an issue if I was going for a quickie, but she was too important for that.

She licked her lips. "Jake?"

I hummed and nuzzled her neck. I needed to get off somehow before I went to work. She didn't continue, and I pulled back to see a confused, hesitant look in her eyes. "What is it, baby?"

"I want to help you. Are you sure there's not enough time?" I was pretty much between her legs, and she lifted them to put her feet on my hips. I looked down at her body for a moment.

"I guess if I hurry." I didn't want to hurry. Not with her.

She smiled, though. "Then you better get to it, huh?"

I kissed her lips and shook my head. "No, baby. I'll take care of this in the bathroom." I pulled back and kissed her knee as I got up, grabbed some clothes for the day, and left the room. Rubbing my dick didn't feel even a fraction as good as fucking her did, or even her hand, but it did the trick. I got dressed, then left the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Nessie wasn't in the bedroom when I walked out. I expected to find her in the kitchen looking for something to eat. Instead, she was sitting on the couch in one of my shirts, her knees pulled up to her chest with the fabric covering her legs. Her head was down, resting on her knees, while her arms were wrapped around her legs.

"Ness?" I went and sat next to her. "Are you okay, baby?"

She took a deep breath and looked up at me. Her eyes were wet, and she looked so hurt. "I'm fine." At her tone, I realized that she was angry, too.

"Don't tell me that, Ness. What's wrong?" I put my hand on her shoulder, but she pulled away.

"I said I'm fine. Leave me alone."

Her words went straight through me. "What the fuck, Ness? Talk to me. Let me help you." I tried to take her hand, but she didn't let me. Instead, she pushed her legs out and stood up.

"Why? Why do you even care? You can do whatever you want, but I can't ask to do one goddamn thing. I wanted to help you, too. But you can't . . . You can't let me. It hurts, Jake. It really, really hurts to know that you would rather do that alone in the bathroom than let me. I'm sorry for whatever it is that makes you want to run away from me like that. I just . . ." She stopped and wrapped her arms around her stomach. "I'm sorry." Before I could even process what she'd just said, let alone respond, she walked away. She went into my dad's room and shut the door behind her.

I sighed and leaned forward. I wanted to get mad at her for assuming I didn't want her to touch me, but in reality I knew she was right. Not about what I wanted, but about what I'd made her feel. How else could she interpret what I'd done? I looked at my watch and groaned. I finished getting ready as quickly as I could and missed having her next to me in the kitchen. I took my pills and got hers out for her. I just set them on the counter next to the bottles. By the time I was ready, I had ten minutes before I had to leave. I went down the hall and knocked on my dad's door.

"Ness? Please come out, baby. I want to talk to you before I leave."

The door opened and she flung herself at me. I held her tightly as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "I'm so sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I was just so confused and hurt . . . I thought you'd want me to touch you, especially since we've been able to make love." She shook her head against my chest. I picked her up and took her into the room and sat on my dad's bed.

"Nessie, listen to me, okay? I love you so much. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I was an idiot, and I am sorry. I just don't want to rush with you. I want to be able to take my time and make you feel good."

She sniffled and pulled back to look at me. "I do feel good with you. I mean, yeah, it hurts for the first little bit, but after that it does feel really good. And Leah said it would probably be like that for the first few times. I don't want you to be afraid to make love to me, Jake, even if it's fast before you get ready for work. I don't want you to think that you're only hurting me, because you're not. Even if there's a little pain, it still feels so good because I'm with you."

I sighed and kissed her. "I really am sorry, baby. I promise I won't ever do that again, okay?" After the way she put it, I could see how even a quickie would be okay. I could still be aware of what she needed and make it fast.

She smiled and hugged my neck. "Thank you. I promise I'll try not to yell at you like that again."

I chuckled. "Don't worry about that, Ness. I'd rather you yell at me like that and get whatever's bothering you out in the open than hide and let it eat you alive. Thank you for telling me."

She pulled back to kiss me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Can we try again tonight?" she asked.

I kissed her nose. "Yes, if you're still up for it when I get home."

She smiled brightly. "I'm sure I will be. You probably need to leave, don't you?"

I looked at my watch. "Yeah, baby, I do. Have a good day, okay?"

"You, too." She slipped off my lap, and I took her hand as we went back down the hall. I gave her the medicine in the kitchen, and she smiled as she took them. She started to get mine, but I stopped her.

"I already took them."

She frowned but nodded. "Okay."

I stopped by the door to kiss her again and let my hands wander down her body. The shirt went to the tops of her thighs, and I lifted it to feel her skin. I groaned when I realized she hadn't put on any panties.

"If you can, Ness, don't put anything else on today, okay?"

She laughed. "I can't promise that, Jake, but I can promise I'll be like this again when you get home."

"That works. I love you." I squeezed her ass and finally left after a few more kisses.

Leah met me at the site and jabbered on about married life while we got ready to work. I just smiled to myself and put my tool belt on as she told me how Sam had gotten up at two o'clock that morning just to get her a bowl of cereal. I could see Sam doing something mushy like that. Leah smacked my arm.

"I know that look, Jake. You can't tell me you wouldn't do the same for Ness." She raised her eyebrows and pulled her hair back into a pony tail.

I couldn't deny it. "I'd draw the line at leaving the house in the middle of the night, though." Ice cream, hamburgers, or whatever the fuck else could wait for the morning.

"Yeah, you say that now. Wait until she's eight months pregnant." She laughed, but the thought made me shiver.

"She's not pregnant." Nor would she ever be. Not by me. Of course, that raised the question in my head of who would give her kids, and I vowed again to kill any motherfucker who touched her. She was mine.

"I didn't say she was. Chill out." She hit my arm again, and we got to work.

It wasn't until an hour before lunch that I noticed something was up with Leah. She was usually full of energy and joking with everyone. Instead, she kept mostly to herself. I kept an eye on her until we took our break.

"What's up?" I asked her.

She looked confused. "Nothing, why?"

I really looked her over, trying to decide why she would lie to me. "You look a little pale. Are you feeling okay?"

She snorted. "I'm fine. I've had a stomach ache off and on for a while, maybe that's why I don't look right. But I promise I'm fine."

Something wasn't right, but I let it go. It was almost three o'clock when she went to get something. The room we were in was supposedly going to be some kind of meeting hall, and it was huge. She was a good thirty feet away from me when she stumbled over something and fell to her knees. I furrowed my brow and watched her for a second, but she didn't get up. Izak and Paul were closer to her, and they had her standing again by the time I reached her.

"I swear I'm fine," she said, annoyed.

"You're not fine, Leah. What the hell is going on?" I made her look at me as she answered.

"I don't know, but I don't need you guys treating me like a kid." She pushed away and went back to what she was doing.

"Something's up," Izak said. "I've never seen her fall like that. At least not where she couldn't get back up by herself."

I didn't like it. "Yeah." I watched her closely for another half hour before she left the building. She hadn't come back by four o'clock. I packed up my shit and took it down to the supply shed, then walked around until I found Leah. "Jesus Christ, Leah, what the fuck is going on?"

She was sitting on the ground outside the office with her knees pulled up to her chest. She looked strangely like Ness had that morning. I knelt down beside her and noticed her face covered in sweat, and she'd been crying. Her hair had come out of the pony tail, and it fell over her shoulders and partially in front of her face. "I don't know, Jake. I really don't know." She sniffled and winced, pulling her legs in tighter.

I moved to sit down and pulled her close to me. "Calm down. Are you in pain?"

She nodded against my shoulder. "Yeah. I thought I was doing okay, but this stomach ache keeps getting worse and worse. I promised Sam if it wasn't better by today I'd go see my doctor. I just called his office. He's not in until next week and nobody else has any openings, so the nurse told me to go to the ER if it's really bad. I don't know what to think, but I don't want to go the fucking hospital over a damn stomach bug."

"How long has it been going on?"

Leah sniffled again. "Two and a half weeks."

There was no way in hell she was getting out of it. "I think you should go to the hospital if you're doctor's not in, Leah. A normal stomach bug doesn't last that long."

"Sam won't get home until around six. Would you take me home?"

I shook my head. "No, but I'll take you to the hospital. I'm sure Sam'd leave work to come see you." If he didn't, he'd lose his balls.

She sighed. "You won't let me get out of going, will you?"

"Nope. I'm not leaving you here, either. So you can either give in and come with me willingly, or I can take you kicking and screaming. Which is it?"

"I don't think I have the energy to kick and scream, so I don't have a choice but to go willingly."

I got up and helped her stand. "Even more reason to go, Leah. You've never not had the energy to kick and scream."

She smiled and smacked my arm. "Whatever. Just take me to the damn doctor."

I got her checked in at the emergency room, then I went outside to call Sam. He didn't even let me finish before he said he'd be there in three minutes and hung up. I smiled to myself, satisfied with his reaction, and called Nessie.

"Is she okay? What happened?" She sounded really concerned.

"I don't know, babe. She says her stomach's been hurting her the last few weeks. I'm going to stay until Sam gets here, then I'll head home okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Tell her I said to get better?"

I smiled. "Sure, baby. Love you."

"Love you, too."

I went back to Leah's room and patted her leg as she laid on the crappy bed. "Ness says to get your ass feeling better."

She smiled, but it was small. "When you go home, tell her I said it's not my ass that hurts. Is Sam coming?"

"You know he is. He'll be here before you know it." Not two seconds later, the door opened. I moved out of the way.

"Leah, baby, are you okay? What's going on?" Sam knelt down beside her and held her hands.

She sniffled and shook her head. "I don't know. It's just this stupid stomach thing. My doctor's not in until next week, so Jake brought me here instead."

He glanced back at me just long enough to nod a quick thanks, then he kissed her forehead. "It'll be okay, baby."

"I puked in my hair." She pouted, and I almost laughed.

He smoothed it down over the side of her head. "You still smell good, honey. I'll make sure you get good and clean after they figure out what's going on, okay?"

I kind of had to roll my eyes at him. But it made her smile, and I guess that was what he was going for. I'd had enough of the mush, though. I moved up to the end of the bed and squeezed her ankle lightly. "You gonna be okay here with Sam?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. He is my husband now, you know." She looked at him with such a sickeningly sweet glance. No wonder she was in so much pain; that much sucrose would land anyone in the hospital.

"All right. Let me know when you hear something, okay? I'm going to get home to Nessie."

Leah gave me a weird look. "You do that, Jake. I'll have Sam call or text you or something when we know what's going on."

"Sounds good." I patted her foot, raised my hand in a quick wave at Sam, then left. Nessie was pacing when I got home.

"Is she okay?" she asked before I could even shut the door.

I smiled and pulled her into a hug. "I think she'll be okay. They hadn't really done anything by the time I left, but Sam's going to let me know when they hear something."

Nessie nodded and stood on her toes to kiss me. "She complained of a stomach ache on Sunday. Oh, I hope she's all right."

I held her waist lightly. "How was your day, baby?"

She shrugged. "It was okay. I went through your closet again to find a shirt for tonight. I was going to put it on before you got home, but then you called and I wasn't sure if it was okay to do that with what's going on."

I smiled and kissed her. "She's got Sam, baby. Unless something major is wrong, we don't need to go back."

Her hands slid up my chest. "So does that mean I should go change?"

"Yes, it does. You change while I take a shower, okay?"

She licked her lips and looked down for a second. "Could you wait? I mean, we'll probably end up taking one after anyway, right?"

She had a point. I kissed her lips again. "Yes, I can wait. Did you decide on something to do for dinner?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I wanted to do something simple, so I thought we could just throw one of those pizzas we got in the oven."

"Perfect. I'll do that; you go change."

Her eyes widened. "Now?"

"Yes now. Please?" I tried to pout, but I was sure it wasn't convincing. Not like hers.

It seemed to work anyway. "Okay, but . . . I, um . . ." She seemed tense.

"But what, baby?"

"We'll wait until after dinner, right?" She shifted her weight and licked her lips again.

"Yes, baby. You're just too damn sexy in my clothes." I kissed her.

She blushed. "Okay. I love you."

"Love you, too, babe."

Before she pulled away, she reached down and swatted my ass. I tried to do it back to her, but she skipped away before I could. I smirked to myself and went to get the pizza started. I set the empty box on the counter and leaned down with my palms on either side of it to read the instructions. I didn't even hear Nessie come back, and she surprised me when she smacked my ass again.

"Hey," I said, caught off-guard. "Watch it, lady." I turned to see her standing there and laughed at the shirt she picked. It was gray with a toaster and a slice of bread on it with the words 'I want you inside me' written across the top. "Nice choice, babe."

She blushed. "Thank you." She patted my ass again and backed up. I glared at her, and she just smiled brightly. "You can't scare me.

I raised my eyebrow and stood up. "No?" I reached out for her, but she slipped out of the way. "You want to play, do you?"

She giggled and ducked out of my reach again. She got me again, and I decided I was done playing fair. I caught her wrist, and as she tried to twist out of my grasp, I wrapped my arm around her waist and picked her up. She squealed.

"Jake! You can't do that." She laughed again and smacked my back as I lifted her over my shoulder.

"Yes I can. See? I'm doing it." I slapped her ass. "And I have to say I really like the view." I smiled when she laughed again and pretended to beat against my back. I rubbed her legs and lifted the hem of the shirt up over her hips. Like I'd hoped, she didn't have any panties on. She squirmed like she was trying to get down.

"Jake, what are you doing?"

She sounded nervous, so I put the shirt back down and kissed her hip before I set her back on her feet. "Just appreciating my very fine girlfriend. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

She licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I just didn't expect that. At least not when we're in the kitchen." She blushed and smoothed the shirt down over her thighs.

I shrugged and pulled her close to me. "Yeah, we're in the kitchen. But there's no one here but me and you. If you're not comfortable with that, then I won't do it. But, I don't want you to think that we can't do something just because it's not the bedroom. Someday, eventually, I'd like to fuck you here."

Her eyes widened. "In here?"

I nodded. "In the kitchen, the living room, on the table, in the bathroom, on the washer—or the dryer, maybe both—in the shower, on the floor somewhere . . . The only place I can't really see us fucking is in my dad's room. That would be a little weird."

"I guess we have a lot of ground to cover, don't we?" She stood on her toes to kiss me. "Can we wait just a little longer before we start . . . exploring, though?"

"Of course, baby."

When the pizza was done, I cut it up and we went to the table to eat. Nessie took the ranch dressing with her, and I gave her an odd look as she made a pond on her plate.

"What? You know I eat pizza like this." She looked a little defiant as she dipped her piece and took a bite.

I smirked. "Yeah, I know. It's still gross."

"It is not; it's really good. You would know if you just tried it." She held out her slice, the tip of it smothered in ranch.

I got an idea. "Okay. I'll try that if you'll try something new for me."

She raised an eyebrow. "What kind of something new?"

"It has to do with how I'll be fucking you tonight."

She put the piece down on her plate. "I don't know, Jake."

I reached over and took her hand. "How about this: I'll try that if you'll at least consider trying something new. I promise it won't be much different from what we've already been doing. And I also promise that if you're uncomfortable at all when I tell you what it is, you can say no and I won't be upset." That was a given anyway, but I said it just so she'd know.

That seemed to calm her down. She smiled and nodded. "Okay." She held up the pizza again, and I grimaced before I took a bite. "Well?"

"It's gross." I took a drink to wash the taste away.

She laughed and shrugged as she took another bite. "More for me."

There wasn't much to clean up when we were finished eating. We left it where it was and went back to the bedroom. I was so ready to just jump on her when that door shut, but I made myself be patient. What I wanted wasn't anything extravagant, but I did want her to agree to it. The first thing I did was lose the shirt. Nessie smiled and ran her fingers over my chest.

"I love you, Jake."

I kissed her and stopped her from pulling her shirt over her head. "I love you, too. I want to eat you out in my shirt, babe. Leave it on?" I had no idea what was so fucking sexy about it, but the thought turned me on even more.

She nodded. "Okay."

I kissed her again and squeezed her ass as I pushed her slowly back to the bed. Her hands scratched me lightly down my stomach where she popped the button on my jeans. I never thought my Ness could be so bold, but she pushed them down when we reached the bed. Then she pulled back and blushed brightly.

I chuckled and stepped out of them. "Eager, are you?"

She smiled shyly. "I . . . Yeah, kind of."

"That's okay. You're sexy when you're impatient." I wrapped an arm around her waist and picked her up to position her how I wanted her on the bed. She moaned and thrust her hips against my dick. I closed my eyes and repeated to myself that I didn't have a condom on; I couldn't fuck her yet. I kissed her down her throat and over my shirt. I got down on my knees on the side of the bed and lifted her legs up, spreading them wide. I didn't hesitate to lick her, thrusting my tongue past her lips to her clit.

She reached down and grabbed my hands on her thighs as her back arched and she let out the most arousing moans. It didn't take much to make her cum. I got up and kissed her stomach on my way up to her lips. She sighed contentedly and put her hands on my face.

"You are incredible," she said softly.

I smirked. "Not as much as you." I helped her sit up and took her shirt off, then I moved her back on the bed and laid her down. I kissed her tits and got up to grab a condom. I put it on as I got on my knees on the bed. She smiled at me, but she looked a little confused. She was probably wondering what this new thing was that I wanted to try. I leaned over her and kissed her lips, then I sat back up and grabbed her knees.

"What I want, baby, is for you to put your feet on my chest." I lifted her legs, and she furrowed her brow when she did what I'd asked.

"Okay, but why?"

"In this position, I have a little bit more control over what I can do to you. But, I don't want to hurt you, so if I move too hard or too fast, you can push on me with your legs. Are you comfortable with this, baby?"

She licked her lips and slid one foot down to my stomach then back up to my shoulder. "Yes, I think so."

I rubbed her leg with one hand while the other put my dick in place. She tightened up for a moment when I pushed in. I went slowly, every inch better than the last. She was still so fucking tight. It didn't take as long to get in as the other times had, and she didn't cry out like she had before. That could only be a good thing. I leaned over her just enough to grab her tits and started to move.

She licked her lips and closed her eyes, and her hands covered mine on her tits. She was always so damn gorgeous, but there was something about the way she looked when I fucked her that I loved even more. At least, when it felt good to her. Her face scrunched up, and she whimpered as her feet pushed against me. I realized that I had started to move faster. I slowed down, and she relaxed again.

"I love you, Jake," she said sweetly.

I smiled and pinched her nipples. "I love you, too, baby."

It was hard to keep a clear head enough to stay slow, but she used her advantage and pushed against me a few times. She laced her fingers together with mine on her tits and moaned softly. I took a chance and moved harder.

Her fingers tightened on mine. "Oh!" she gasped. Her back arched, and her feet slid up to my shoulders. "Oh, God . . . like that, Jake. Just like that."

I smiled to myself and kept up what I was doing. Her moans got louder as she kept telling me what she wanted. There was nothing hotter than my sweet Ness telling me to move a little faster. I happily obliged and prayed I could hold out long enough for her to cum again.

I couldn't do it. I squeezed her tits and fingers as gently as I could while the sensation took me over. "Jesus Christ, Nessie." For the third time, I forgot to pull out. Cumming inside her felt too fucking good.

I pulled out and moved her legs so I could lean down and kiss her. "You are so incredible." I kissed her again.

"Oh, Jake. That was so good."

I smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't make you cum."

She licked her lips and trailed her fingers over my arms. "Don't be sorry. I love you."

"I love you, too. How do you feel?" I moved back and frowned at the little bit of blood on my dick.

"It did hurt a little bit at first, but it was so amazing. I feel great."

I was happy that she wasn't as sore this time. I still took her to the shower and washed her off. Someday soon, I'd just bring her with me to the shower after work or something and fuck her in there. After we were both clean, we laid down on the bed to cuddle for a while. Holding a woman after sex had never been something I shied away from, but until Nessie, it didn't feel like a requirement either. I needed to hold her and make sure she was happy and comfortable. I loved that she was able to be naked around me now, and I rubbed her bare back for a bit while she rested on my chest.

My phone went off as Nessie kissed my neck. I thought about ignoring it, but I couldn't when it was probably Sam with news about Leah. I hugged Ness and kissed her head, then I got up to check. I sat on the edge of the bed and smirked.

"What is it?" Nessie asked.

"Sam texted. They figured out what the problem was." I finished reading the text.

"And . . .?" She got on her knees behind me and kissed my shoulder.

"She's three months pregnant and dehydrated with the possibility of something else, so they're keeping her at least over night to make sure everything's fine with the baby." I knew this would happen eventually. I wondered what Leah thought about it. From the text, it was obvious that Sam was ecstatic and worried at the same time.

"Oh, wow. That's so exciting!" Nessie bounced a little, and I felt her tits rub against my back. "Do you think she'd let me play aunt?"

I chuckled. "I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with that."

I texted back a congratulations and told him to give Leah my love. I smiled; he'd probably get a little huffy at that, but I didn't care. I laid back down with the phone on the nightstand and pulled Nessie up to me.

"I hope she has a girl." She sighed and kissed my chest. "Then again, she'd probably have an easier time raising a boy."

It was just a little unnerving how excited Ness was about it. I let it go because it was exciting-for Leah and Sam. Ness had every right to be happy for them.

* * *

Of course Leah wasn't at work the next day. I got to explain to the guys what was going on, and a few of them wanted to know where she was so they could either visit or send her flowers or something. My phone went off at three-thirty, but it wasn't a number I recognized so I let it go and checked the message when I got off a half an hour later.

My brow furrowed when I listened to the message. Even before she began speaking, I could tell Leah was in tears. "Hey, Jake. Oh, God . . . I'm sorry . . . Please come to the hospital and see me? Sam and I had a fight, and I'm so scared. Could you bring Nessie, too? I want to talk to her. Thank you. I love you, Jake. You've always been my very best friend, no matter what shit we've put each other through. I really need you right now. Anyway, I'm in room four-eighteen. I hope I see you soon."

I thought about hunting Sam down, but I didn't even know what the fight had been about. I called the hospital and got transferred to Leah's room. "What's going on?" I asked when she answered.

"I'm so scared," Leah confessed.

"About what, Leah? What did Sam do?"

She sniffled. "We've talked about this before, and I've told him that I don't want to have kids. At least not really soon. He knew about that before he even asked me to marry him. After they ran some more tests and found that there's already some problems with the placenta and I'd be on bed rest for most of the pregnancy, I freaked out. I told him I didn't want the baby. I said horrible things, Jake. He got upset and told me he'd never forgive me if I aborted. Then he walked out. I can't do this alone! Please, Jake, I can't . . ."

"Okay, calm down. I'll get Nessie and head out there. Have you tried to call Sam yet?" I knew Leah. She was in a panic now, but she'd calm down and accept that she couldn't do a damn thing about it. Sam had to know that, too. I couldn't really blame him for getting upset, but I couldn't blame her either.

"No. I'm afraid to. What if he hates me, Jake?" She whimpered. I hated hearing her sound so unsure and scared.

"He doesn't hate you. How long ago did he walk out?" I got in my car and started to head home.

"About a half an hour ago. I called you about five minutes after he left."

"Call him, Leah. I'll be there in about forty-five minutes or so."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Yeah." We hung up, and I thought about calling Ness to let her know what was going on. I was almost home anyway, so I didn't bother. She was standing in front of the entertainment center with a CD in her hand when I walked in. She turned to smile at me.

"Hey, Jake. Welcome home."

I loved it when she said that. I pulled her in tight and kissed her head. "Thanks, baby. Leah called, though. She and Sam got into a fight, and she wants us to go see her. Would you come with me?"

She furrowed her brow. "What did they fight about?"

"The baby. Leah's having a hard time adjusting to being pregnant; she's always said she doesn't want kids."

Nessie nodded. "Oh. Um, yeah, I'll go. Is she still at the hospital?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I guess they found something wrong with the placenta or something."

She licked her lips. "Okay. I just need to get dressed." She smiled, but it was weak. She walked away before I could ask her what was up. She seemed okay when she came back, so I took her hand and we left. She was oddly quiet on the way. She started to tense up as we got closer, though. "Where is she at?"

"St. Joseph's. We're close, babe, don't worry."

She hadn't relaxed by the time I pulled into the parking lot. It seemed she just kept getting more nervous about something. I got out, and she hadn't even unbuckled her seatbelt by the time I made it around to her side and opened the door.

"Are you okay, Ness?" I asked.

She looked at me with wide, wet eyes. "I'm scared."

I crouched down beside her and took her hand. "Why?"

She sniffled and looked at the building for a long moment. Her lips trembled, and she closed her eyes tightly. "This is where I saw him."

I didn't get it for a few minutes. When it hit me, I felt like a jerk. I had no idea what to say. "It'll be all right, Ness. We're going to the maternity ward, so you won't have to see anything like what you saw then, okay?" I squeezed her fingers gently.

She looked down for a moment before she nodded. "Okay."

I finally got her out of the car, and she clung to my arm as we walked to the door. She hesitated, and I pulled a little, trying to gently urge her. She finally went in, but she stopped just inside the door.

"Come on, baby," I said. I didn't want to get impatient, but I wanted her out of this part and into Leah's room where she could hopefully relax.

She was staring at the receptionists' desk with a distant look in her eyes. When I tried to make her look at me, she shifted her focus to a hallway at the left of the desk. Finally, she met my eyes. I took her shoulders and made her move to the side so she was at least away from the door and the sun, then I kissed her softly.

"It's okay, baby. I need you to calm down for me, Ness. Let's get to Leah's room, okay?"

The look in her eyes scared me. She was fighting a pretty major breakdown, but I had no idea how long she could hold it back. I urged her forward again, and she shook her head.

"I can't," she said. Even her voice was distant.

"Yes, you can. Just come with me."

She licked her lips, and her eyes flickered to the hallway again. "I can't. Not again."

I made her look at me and kissed her lips. "Nessie, listen to me. You're not going to see your dad here. I promise you will not see your dad. Please trust me."

She seemed to search my eyes for a long moment before she nodded. "I trust you."

I kissed her once more before I led her away. She was still shaking and her steps were uneven, but at least she was able to get out of the lobby. On the elevator, she hid her face in my chest and took several deep breaths. It stopped on the second floor, and a doctor stepped on. He was an older man with white hair, and he nodded a greeting at me. The name tag around his neck said Dr. Nicks. That name sounded familiar. I smiled back, but Nessie froze. Her head jerked up, she stared at the man as the doors closed. The doctor seemed a little uncomfortable with her looking at him the way she was, and I cleared my throat as I tightened my arm around her shoulders.

"You okay, Ness?" I asked.

She shook her head and swallowed. He shifted his weight. The elevator stopped, and he walked away quickly when the doors opened. We still had another floor to go.

"Did you know him?" I asked. Instead of answering me, she slipped out of my grasp and sank to the floor. She pressed her back against the wall and pulled her knees up to her chest. She started to rock back and forth as she cried. "Nessie, what's going on?" I knelt beside her and tried to get her to look at me. "Please, baby; you're scaring me right now."

She just cried harder. I didn't know what to do. I needed to get her off the elevator, though. I picked her up and carried her to room four-eighteen, ignoring the looks I got along the way.

Leah was sitting up on the bed, and she gave me a strange look when I sat down with a sobbing Nessie in my lap. "What happened? Is she okay?"

I kissed Nessie's head. "I think so. I'm just an idiot. This was where she had to identify her dad."

Leah's eyes widened. "Oh, my God. If I'd known, Jake, I wouldn't have asked you to bring her."

I nodded. "I know. Don't stress over it, just let me calm her down." I pet Nessie's hair and kissed her head. She was still crying ten minutes later.

"Is that normal?" Leah asked.

"Yes and no. It can last a while. Something happened on the elevator, though. She saw someone that upset her. I don't know why, but this didn't start until after she saw him."

"Did he look like her dad?"

"No." I tightened my arms around Nessie and kissed her head again. "Calm down, baby, please."

She finally did another five minutes later. When she stopped crying, she just laid there against me, limp. Her eyes were open and so clear, but she didn't even blink for a long while.

"Ness?" I ran my fingers through her hair. "Baby, are you okay?"

She didn't respond to me. I sighed and kissed her forehead.

"Please tell me she'll be okay," Leah said. She was worried.

"Did you call Sam?" I asked. I hoped giving Ness some time would bring her out of whatever was happening. I was pissed off at myself for making her go into the hospital at all, and I kind of wanted to go find the white-haired doctor and beat him into telling me why the fuck Nessie stared at him like that. He had something to do with this, I could feel it. I just wished I could remember where I'd heard his name before. Dr. Nicks. It was right on the tip of my memory, but nothing connected.

Leah nodded. "Yeah. He was still hurt, but he said he understood why I was upset. I told him that it would just take some time for me to get used to this."

"Why isn't he here?"

She smiled. "He was at his mom's. He asked me a million times if I was okay and if I needed him to come back right away. I told him to finish helping her with whatever project she undoubtedly had for him and come back tonight."

I pursed my lips. "He still should have come back."

"Jake, I wanted some time before he came back. I love him to death, and he knows that, but I can't deal with him flinching and asking if I'm okay every time I reach up to scratch my face or shift or even blink. He needs to know that I'm not going to die at the drop of a hat, and I think a little bit of time—not too much, maybe another hour or so—will be okay."

"Yeah, but still. Do you think I should call Dr. Furst?" Nessie was scaring the shit out of me.

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry."

I shifted to get my phone out of my pocket, and she didn't even seem to respond to the movement. She still stared into the corner of the room. Luckily it wasn't too hard to get a hold of him. He had to finish up with his last patient for the day, then he would come to the hospital. I was relieved and happy that he obviously cared enough to come to her.

Nessie still hadn't done anything by the time Dr. Furst showed up. He sat in the chair next to me and smiled at Nessie. She blinked, but otherwise didn't respond. "How long has she been like this?" he asked.

"About an hour, since before I called you. This isn't normal; she's never done this before."

He nodded. "Okay. Tell me what exactly happened; what triggers did she experience prior to the episode?" I took a breath and told him about the hospital and the man in elevator. "You said the name was familiar; could he have been there when she identified his body?"

His question sparked a memory. After the first time she broke down, she told me about seeing her dad. Dr. Nicks was the man that called her, and he had also showed her the body. I felt like smacking my head against the wall; it should have been so obvious!

"Don't beat yourself up, Jacob. It's good that you did remember, though; that will help." He turned his attention to Nessie. "Renesmee, will you nod or blink if you can hear and understand me?"

She blinked, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. "Does that really mean she can hear you?"

"To be honest with you, Jacob, nothing ever means she can hear me. It is fairly common with PTSD, but what I think is happening is a type of dissociation. Are you sure nothing like this has ever happened?"

I thought about that, recalling all the times she'd cried like that. "After we went into her dad's closet, she had a really bad breakdown and was unresponsive for maybe eight minutes. That's the only other time, though. What does that mean, and how do I get her out of this?"

"The basic explanation of dissociation is that she is no longer connected to herself or the world around her, possibly lost in her own mind. It is a common part of PTSD as her mind is trying to protect itself from whatever trigger she experienced. The most common way to bring her back is to shock her out of it."

I tensed up. "What kind of shock?" He had another thing coming if he thought he was getting her anywhere near electricity.

Dr. Furst smiled. "Just sensory to bring her out of her mental state and back to reality. I'll be right back."

I looked at Leah when he left the room. "Did you understand that?" She shook her head.

He came back a few minutes later with two bowls. I raised my eyebrow. "I have some ice and some lemons. The ice usually works well, but I've got the lemons for backup. I want you to take this cube and put it in her hand."

"Okay, but why me."

"Because I may not be available if this happens again, and you need to know what you're doing. Just trust me." He handed the ice cube to me, and I took it. I picked up Nessie's hand and put the ice in the middle of her palm. She flinched, but otherwise didn't move.

"What now?"

"Keep that up for a few minutes. Use more than one ice cube if you need to. Sometimes it can take up to five minutes for a person to respond."

That made me nervous. I kept up what I was doing, though, and started to move the ice around on her arm. I looked at Dr. Furst a few times, and he just nodded to let me know I wasn't fucking up yet. After six minutes, he gave me a lemon.

"Try to get her to taste this."

I nodded and took the fruit. "Ness, will you open your mouth for me?" Of course she didn't respond. I used my free hand to open her mouth and put the lemon in. She flinched again, and her eyes watered. "Is that a good sign?" I asked, looking at Dr. Furst.

He smiled. "It can be. Keep it up. Try to get her to bite it. Also, talk to her as you do that. Speak loudly and clearly."

I nodded and leaned down to kiss her ear. "My Nessie, come on back to me, baby." I didn't know what the fuck to say to her, but I had a feeling that what I said wasn't really that important. "I love you, baby. I need you to come back. You don't want to miss seeing Leah with her hair all messed up like this, babe. It's pretty funny."

Leah scowled. "My hair is not messed up." She ran her fingers through it, and I laughed.

"Sure, sure." I kissed Nessie's head again. "She's worried about you, too. She wants you to come back so you can agree with her and gang up on me."

"Damn straight," Leah said loudly. "I need someone to help me kick his ass now that I'm going to be bedridden."

"Come on back to me," I said softly. "I need you, baby." I got another ice cube and put it against her neck. She flinched and pulled back quickly.

"Renesmee, will you look at me?" Dr. Furst said. Her eyes flickered to his, and he smiled. "Hello."

She made a face and pushed the ice away. "What's going on?"

I dropped the cube hugged her tightly. "Jesus, Nessie, you scared the shit out of me."

Dr. Furst frowned. "Jacob, you shouldn't phrase it that way. It wasn't her fault."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Of course it wasn't." I kissed her head. "I love you, baby."

She looked up at me. "I love you, too. But what is going on?"

Dr. Furst explained what had happened.

"I don't remember that."

He nodded. "That honestly doesn't surprise me. Dissociation to that extent is often accompanied by memory loss. I highly recommend that you avoid situations like this without preparing yourself first. There is a very good chance that the spontaneous nature of this visit had a hand in what happened."

I felt bad and kissed her hair. "I'm sorry, baby."

She shook her head. "You didn't know, Jake." She kissed my cheek.

"She's right. I would also recommend that you carry something with you at all times just in case you run into a situation like this again. It doesn't have to be big; just something to help you keep a grip on reality."

She nodded. "I'll try to figure something out when we get home."

"Ice seemed to work pretty good."

Dr. Furst smiled. "It was more than likely a combination of things that brought her back slowly."

I nodded and aimed for the trashcan as I tossed the lemon. It was a perfect shot.

"Two-pointer," Leah said.

I chuckled. "That's far enough away to be a three-pointer, come on."

"No way, Jake. Two's pushing it."

Nessie smiled and turned on my lap to see Leah. "How are you feeling?"

Leah shrugged. "I'm fine. What about you?"

"Better. I'm really sorry-"

"You better not be. That wasn't your fault, like the doc said. I'm just glad you didn't have to get hospitalized; this place has the worst food."

Dr. Furst got up to leave, and Nessie and I shook his hand. Nessie got off my lap to sit on the side of Leah's bed and talk to her about the baby and the breakdown. It was nice watching them together, smiling and even laughing a little. Sam showed up a little while later, and Nessie moved to let him get to Leah. It was a little weird watching them talk about everything, but I focused on Nessie. She smiled at me and kissed my lips.

We left not too much later and picked up some dinner on the way home. Nessie was strangely quiet while we ate. After Leah's wedding and the talk about marriage, I was a little nervous to ask her what was on her mind. I could just imagine her bringing up something about kids, and I'd have to tell her I didn't like the little brats. I just couldn't hurt her like that.

I took a deep breath and told myself that I wouldn't say that; I'd just say it wasn't time and hope that was good enough.

* * *

A/N: Kudos to the handful of you who realized something was up with Leah at the end of the last chapter. I have some very insightful readers! To those of you who didn't realize it, were you surprised?

Thank you for reading! I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85


	42. Broken Light

A/N: Don't give up hope! A lot happening in this chapter. Enjoy :)

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-One

Broken Light

_You hold me like a bag of bones  
Wrapped up and underground  
Pull me out so I can feel  
Make me believe that one more night's  
Not a minute too long when a moment's all I need  
I'm walking on air, close to you  
Through a long hallway with a broken light_

-Long Hallway with a Broken Light – Thriving Ivory

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

I didn't know what to say or even what to do with myself when Jake and I left the hospital. Talking to Leah about the baby and how I hoped she had a girl could only last for so long, then I was lost in a sea of thought again. Jake bought us some hamburgers for dinner, and we went home to eat. He kept glancing at me like he wasn't sure if he wanted to ask me what was wrong. It wasn't normal. He was usually all over that like white on rice.

I had a feeling I knew why he was hesitant to ask me, though. After talking to Leah and getting so excited about her pregnancy, I could just imagine him getting all worked up about a potential talk about kids. There was a part of me that wanted to put him out of his misery, but a bigger, more convincing side of me wanted to stay locked up inside myself. I knew he could help me past everything and be okay, but it didn't feel right to want that.

I remembered so little about going into the hospital, but what stood out so much clearer than anything else was seeing Dr. Nicks. It was so obvious who he was even if he did look a little older. As I stared at him in the elevator, the conversation I'd had with him on the phone before everything was shattered replayed in my head. I remembered him and Dr. Peers as they led me down that hallway to the left of the receptionists' desk back to the room where I saw my dad. His face so cold and his eyes so dead.

It was weird waking up on Jacob's lap with Dr. Furst sitting right next to us. It was a little like waking up from sleep, except I was so tired and my head hurt. Dr. Furst explained that Jake had been trying to get me to respond to him for over an hour. I didn't remember that. The last thing I had actually remembered was Dr. Nicks walking off the elevator. It scared me that something could render me all but unconscious while I was still conscious. It didn't even make any sense to me, but that's what it felt like. My body was awake, or so Jake had said, but the rest of me . . . I didn't like thinking that I'd slipped even further into madness. I was supposed to be getting better.

After dinner, Jake finally asked me what was wrong. He tensed up like he was expecting me to say I wanted babies right now. I took a deep breath and turned to him in the kitchen.

"I'm worried," I said softly. I put my hands and forehead on his chest. "I think I'm just getting worse."

He rubbed my back. "What do you mean, Ness?"

I shook my head and leaned back to look at him. "I mean, I'm in therapy now and taking pills to get better, right? Well, I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse."

He touched my chin and leaned down to kiss my lips. "Don't say that, baby. What happened was a fluke. You heard Dr. Furst; we didn't know to prepare for where we were going, and it was a shock to you. Don't let it get you down, please."

My eyes watered, and I took a deep breath. "But what if it happens again? Not with the hospital, but something else? I can carry something with me to feel or smell or whatever to try to stay grounded, but what if today was just the beginning? I don't want to go around losing track of reality all the time. It scares me, Jake. I want to believe that I'm not crazy, but all that did was prove that I am."

He framed my face with his hands and made me look at him. He stared into my eyes with a fierce gleam in his. "You are not crazy, Nessie. Crazy would be going around doing something like that for no reason. You have a damn good reason, and don't even try to tell me that PTSD isn't a good reason. I wish to God that I could take it away for you, I really do. I can't, though, so I am going to do everything I can to make it easier on you. You better not think about giving up. I won't let you." He kissed me and pulled me close to him. "They say that sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better. It will get better, Nessie. Please trust that."

I sniffled and wrapped my arms around his waist. His hope for me made me feel a little better. "I love you, Jake. Thank you."

"I love you, too. Was that all that was bothering you?"

I smiled to myself and nodded. "Yeah, that was it."

I swear he sighed with relief. "What do you want to do now?"

I shrugged. "I don't care. Something to get my mind off of today. A movie, maybe?"

He bent to kiss my lips. "Sure. Let's go see what you want."

I didn't really care what we watched, but I really did want to get my mind away from everything. We finally decided on a comedy that Jake said was hilarious. In the end, it had a few clever moments, but I thought it was pretty stupid all around. I probably should have realized that it was guy humor. There was one scene, though . . . a funeral. It was made fun of, and the so-called "corpse" was mistreated badly, but it made me think of my dad. Not so much him, though, as the fact that I'd never seen his grave. I didn't even go to his funeral because I couldn't bring myself to believe that he was gone.

There was a part of me, so deep that I wasn't sure I wanted to listen, that wanted to know where he was buried. I wanted to see his headstone and put flowers on it the way normal people did when a family member died. My dad and I had gone to my mother's grave several times a year. We'd go on Mother's Day and Memorial Day of course, then her birthday and several holidays throughout the year. I wasn't sure if I should feel bad about not going to see her. It was more for him, anyway. He knew her; I didn't.

"You okay, baby?" Jake asked as he turned the movie off.

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I'm just tired."

He kissed my head and got up. "Ready for bed?"

I stood up next to him and took his hand. "Yeah."

We went to bed, and I snuggled close to him. His arms were tight around me. "I love you, Ness."

I kissed his neck. "I love you, too."

"Tomorrow, would you try to find something to carry with you? I know you don't think it'll be much of a help, but I would really feel better if you had something." He rubbed my back gently as he spoke.

I gave in easily. "Yeah, I'll do that." It couldn't hurt anything, anyway.

He turned his head and kissed my lips. "Goodnight, baby."

"Goodnight." I nuzzled my face against his shoulder as I closed my eyes and tightened my arm around his chest. My leg was wrapped around his, as it usually was, and I took a deep breath to relax and fall asleep.

I had almost become accustomed to having control of myself in my dreams. For at least the last month and a half, I had dreamed of being in my house with the ability to walk around and determine my own actions. It was strange and a little unsettling to open my eyes that night standing in a darkened hospital hallway, the florescent lights flickering. It was abandoned, as usual, and I felt so helpless and lost as I began to walk toward the end of the hall. I told myself over and over again to stop; I didn't want to see what I knew waited for me through those double doors. The dream wouldn't be stopped, though, and I pushed open the doors like I had a million times before. Dr. Nicks and Dr. Peers stood there behind the table, smiling wickedly just like always. It wasn't fair. I didn't want these terrible dreams anymore, and that medicine was supposed to be helping.

The sheet was pulled back, and I stared into his dead eyes for a moment before I puked on the floor. Just like every other time. It still hurt so badly to see him there where all I could do was touch his clammy cheek and whisper an unheard apology.

When I was finally allowed to wake up, Jake was right there beside me to hold me tightly and let me cry on him. I told him, my voice interrupted with sobs the whole time, about the different dream I'd had. He didn't say much of anything other than half-hopeful sayings muttered against my ear to make me feel a little better. Eventually I did calm down enough to breathe again.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He wiped my cheek with his thumb.

I sniffled and nodded. "I will be." His chest and shoulder was soaked. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Like my shirts, I'm washable. Don't worry about it, okay?" He kissed my head.

I smiled a little in spite of myself. "Okay. I think I need a drink, though."

We got up, and I held his hand as we went out to the kitchen. I got a glass of water while he found a kitchen towel and dried his chest off. I splashed some water on my face as well. Jake leaned against the counter and held the towel out for me when I was done.

"How do you think you could change that one?" he said as I dried my face. He combed my hair gently with his fingers as I sighed and shook my head.

"I don't know, Jake. I don't think that one is changeable." How could the ending be avoided?

He pulled me closer to him and kissed my head. "Yes it is. It's always changeable. What about before you open the doors? What would you do if you could stop yourself from going in the room?"

"I don't get this, Jake. I don't see how this is supposed to help. It's obviously not doing anything if I've had two nightmares since starting the medication."

"Baby, you have to remember that it's not going to be better immediately. Give it some time, okay? Two more weeks, Nessie. If it really hasn't done anything and you're still having nightmares like this in two weeks, then we'll figure something else out. I told you I'm not going to let you give up, and I meant it." He made me look at him and kissed my lips. "I love you too much to let you do that."

I took a deep breath. He was right, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't have much of a choice. "If there was a way to change it, I wouldn't go in the room. I'd turn around and leave the hospital." And then what? Just never know if it really was my dad there? I shook my head at myself; it was already over and done with. I knew it was him. I just wouldn't have to see it.

Jacob kissed my head and nodded. "Good. I love you."

I sniffled. "I love you, too."

"Let's go back to bed, baby."

I nodded and followed him back down the hall.

* * *

While Jake was at work on Friday, I went through a lot of things and finally decided on a small bottle of eucalyptus oil to carry with me. The scent reminded me of my day at the spa with Leah, and would hopefully do the trick. I made sure it was okay with Jake that I use it, and of course he said it was fine.

Saturday was embarrassing and exciting at the same time. I started my period and had to convince Jake to take me to the store without telling him what was going on. I probably could have just told him, but for some reason I didn't want to just come out and say it. I finally convinced him that the munchies I was suffering from could not be satisfied with what we had; I _needed_ something else.

At the store, I had to find a way to get what I needed without him seeing it. I was a little frustrated with myself; it wasn't like he'd be disgusted and stay away from me if he knew what was going on. But still. I sent him on a search for some very specific crackers I used to like when I visited Grandpa Charlie, and while he was gone, I picked out and paid for my things. I made a trip to the bathroom, then panicked a little when I couldn't figure out how to hide the package. That was just perfect. I'd never had a purse—everything I needed I could carry in my pockets. But suddenly I wished I had one. A really big one. I grumbled to myself and realized that Jake was probably out there freaking out because he couldn't find me in the produce section where I'd told him I would be. I really had no choice but to let him see and give up my secret.

I left the bathroom and found Jake pacing near the apples. "Where were you?" he asked.

I felt bad for making him worry. "I'm sorry; I had to run to the bathroom."

He calmed down instantly, though. "Oh. Okay. I couldn't find what you wanted. I'm sorry." He looked at the bag in my hand. "What's that?"

My mouth went dry. Why the hell was it so hard to just tell him I was bleeding? I shrugged and stared at my feet as I just held the bag out. He took it from me, and for a moment I was really afraid. He laughed and hugged my shoulders.

"There's no reason to be embarrassed, Nessie." He kissed my head. "Calm down, okay?"

I looked up at him, so relieved that he wasn't mad. It made no sense to me that I would be afraid of that; he knew it was only a part of nature and that it would happen eventually. It did kind of suck that it had to happen now, though. I was just getting comfortable with sex. It hadn't hurt nearly as bad when we made love the night before. "Okay."

"Was this all you needed?" I sighed and nodded. He kissed me again. "Don't be ashamed to ask me for things you need, Nessie. Please?"

I did feel bad for lying to him about the trip to the store. I smiled as best as I could. "I promise I'll do my best."

It wasn't until we got back home that I understood why I had been so scared. It should have been obvious. Even more than that, though, it shouldn't have even been an issue. I laughed at myself as we walked in the door.

"What's so funny?" Jake asked.

I pushed myself against him and kissed his chest. "Just me and my irrational fears again."

He ran his fingers through my hair. "What do you mean?"

I looked up at him and smiled. "I had been afraid to tell you that I'd started my period. I wasn't sure why until we came home. When I realized that I was scared you'd get upset about not being able to make love, I also realized how silly it was."

He kissed my lips. "I could never get upset with you for that."

"I know. I love you."

"Love you, too."

The next day, I was excited to be able to add birth control to the pills I was taking. I set the little package next to my bottles on the counter and blushed when Jake smirked at me. He kissed me before he left for work. I took a long, hot bath, then I spent the rest of the day working on laundry and other random projects. By the time Jake got home, every scrap of clothing aside from what we were wearing was washed, folded, and put away, and every dish was clean.

"I don't deserve you," Jake said. He kissed me. I just rolled my eyes; we both knew that wasn't true.

After dinner, I started to get a little nervous. There was something I'd wanted to talk to him about, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. After we cleaned everything up, we sat on the couch to talk about everything Dr. Furst had told us to. Jake told me about Jack and how he'd hovered that day. He seemed reluctant to say anything about it, but I encouraged him.

"This is supposed to help, remember?"

He scoffed. "Yeah, sure."

I pursed my lips. "What did you tell me? Don't give up? If I have to talk about my nightmares every day, then you have to talk about this stuff."

He nodded. "I know, Ness. It's just stupid, childish shit that shouldn't bother me. No one else in the world would get upset if a man walked past them five times during the day. That's not right."

I put my hand over his and kissed his cheek. "Right or not, it's how you feel. I seem to recall a few months ago you telling me that just because I don't know why I feel something doesn't mean I don't have a right to feel it. The same goes for you. You're struggling with this, and you don't know how proud _I_ am of _you_ for not beating him up every day."

He smiled. "Thanks, baby." He went on to tell me that he didn't like not having Leah there. "It's not so much that she's not there as it is that she's still in the hospital. I want her home and in bed where she can rest and get better." He shook his head. "I guess not get better, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I want her home, too, Jake." I took his hand and leaned my head on his shoulder. If all went well, she would be going home the next day.

I talked about my nightmares as well. It was so frustrating trying to imagine different endings, but Jake helped me. He suggested that I treat it like a movie where there are several alternate ending choices. I was the director and screenwriter, and I just needed to choose what I wanted to see. After I'd picked out two different endings for both of my nightmares, I decided to go right into what I really wanted to talk to him about.

"Jake?" He hummed and kissed my head. "I want to see my dad's grave." As soon as I said it, I wanted to suck it right back in. I closed my eyes and put my forehead on his shoulder.

He tensed up beside me. "You do?"

I told myself to just keep breathing. "I think so. I don't know. The past few days, it's been eating at me that I've never even seen his headstone. But at the same time, it scares me so much to even think about it." I shook my head and took a deep breath.

Jake pulled me onto his lap and held me tightly. "Calm down, baby. If you want to go see his grave, then we will. But, I would like to talk to Dr. Furst about it before we go, because I want to know how to prepare you for it. I don't want to risk something like what happened at the hospital."

I nodded and kissed his throat. "That's fine, Jake. Thank you." I wrapped my arms around his neck and held tightly. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

On Monday, a lady came by with a whole crapload of flowers for the bouquets I'd told Leah I would do. She had some very specific requirements about size, colors, shapes, and even the number of flowers that could be in each one. I kind of scowled at her, especially when she hovered over me the first little while. Once she decided I wasn't going to screw them up, she was suddenly comfortable snooping around the kitchen and living room talking about Jake. It wasn't hard to tell she had a huge crush on him, even if she was nearly twice his age. I surprised myself with how well I could tune her out. Eventually, the bouquets got done and she was happy with the result. Her whole attitude made me wonder why she didn't just do them herself. It didn't matter, though, especially when she paid me and left. I was pretty proud of myself, but I wasn't sure if what I'd done was actually worth fifty dollars.

Dr. Furst had some good advice when Jake and I went to therapy on Tuesday. "The first thing I would recommend is to think about what you want to do and how you feel you may react. Write down the different possibilities you come up with, then take a deep breath and imagine being able to do what you want without any of those adverse reactions."

I was so confused. "How would that help?"

Dr. Furst leaned forward on his chair. "Well, it's similar to imagining different endings to your nightmares. If you condition your brain to expect a certain outcome, you are more likely to achieve it. This doesn't mean that you will not experience an episode of any kind; it just increases the chances of having a less severe episode."

Jake sat up straighter beside me. "What else can she do?"

"There are many things. What I'd like for both of you to do is create a safety plan. This isn't something I normally suggest with bipolar patients, Jacob, but I think it might do some good for you as well. A safety plan is just that—a plan to help keep you safe should you run into a difficult situation. There are six basic steps. First, think ahead. In the case of going to see your father's grave, thinking ahead would be doing what I suggested with the list of possible reactions. Second, make a list of emergency contact phone numbers. Having a paper with phone numbers on hand can be very beneficial as it can be very difficult to remember them during an episode."

Jake and I both nodded. Seemed simple enough.

"Third, make sure you always carry your medication with you. At least a few spare pills that you can take should you miss a dose or end up away from your medicine for a few days. The fourth step is one of the most important. You should write down a list of coping strategies. Something I like to recommend to patients is called a 'coping card.' It can be something as simple as a note card with some basic things like taking deep breaths, smelling your eucalyptus oil to stay grounded, or any other coping technique that you use. I have a list that I can give to you with several suggestions. I think this part would benefit both of you very much. The fifth step is to learn to recognize your early warning signs. These are different for almost every person, but there are a few basic signs that seem to fit everyone, such as changes in your mood, behavior, or how you think. You don't necessarily need to write those down, but it may be helpful.

"And finally, get others to help. You have each other, which is great, but you both may want to seek out some support groups. Jacob, I understand if you're not ready for that yet. If you want to try, I definitely encourage it. I think it would benefit you, Renesmee, to do this for both your photosensitivity and your PTSD. It doesn't have to be a physical group that you attend each week. Even an online group where you can express your feelings to others who know what you're going through can help tremendously."

I looked up at Jake, and he smiled at me. "We can do that, don't you think?"

It sounded easy enough, and I knew I could if he was doing it with me. "Yes."

We left a while later after Dr. Furst gave us several handouts with information on different coping techniques, warning signs, and exercises. When we got home, we sat down together at the kitchen table and went through each and every step of the safety plan. I was nervous about the support groups, but I told Jake I'd look into it on the computer while he was at work the next day.

I felt weird that night as we got ready to go to bed. Jake asked me a few times if I was okay, but there wasn't anything wrong. Maybe I was just tired. I tried to brush it off, but it was somehow worse the next morning. We got up, I gave Jake his pills and he gave me mine, then he got ready and left for work. I took a shower and found myself getting strangely blank at odd moments throughout the day. In the past, there had been times that I would get up and go into a room only to forget what I had been going after. It had happened more frequently in the two years before I met Jacob, but since I'd been doing better it hadn't happened much at all. That day, it happened four times.

On top of losing track of what I was doing, I found myself staring off into space and forgetting chunks of the day. I couldn't remember eating anything for lunch, but the mess from the sandwich I'd obviously made was still on the counter. I cleaned it up and furrowed my brow at myself. This wasn't supposed to be happening. It didn't make sense to me that my symptoms were just getting worse. I tried to do the mindfulness techniques from the papers Dr. Furst had given to us, but even that didn't work. I was on my back in the living room, trying to focus on my breathing the way the instructions said to do. Instead of my mind wandering the way it said would probably happen, I found myself almost waking up. I didn't fall asleep, though. Instead, I was more slipping from reality like I did before I met Jake. A smaller scale of what had happened at the hospital. I realized then what was going on. I was numb. Not completely; not like I had been before. But enough to make me see that I had actually made progress before this started. Before this, I was able to feel and talk about it. I was even able to process some of those emotions that came up when I thought about my dad.

Now, as I laid in the living room trying to stay with myself, I didn't feel anything when I thought of my dad. I didn't think anything. There were memories; only fleeting ones that passed by like a flickering image. I didn't like not being able to control my numbness. I had always been able to make it go away and come back because I was the one that put it there to begin with. This wasn't me. It only made sense to me that the medication had something to do with it.

I was nervous to tell Jake about it when he got home. I had promised him that I would give the medicine two more weeks. I wasn't sure what that much time would do, though. We made dinner together since I was too nervous to try anything on my own. One moment I was standing in the kitchen stirring some vegetables in the pot, and the next we were sitting at the table eating. I had missed all that time with him. I tried to brush it off and just stay aware of everything else.

"Are you okay, Ness?" Jake asked.

I nodded because I wasn't sure what to say. "Yeah, I think so."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? You've kind of been acting strange since I got home."

I took a deep breath and smiled the best I could. "Maybe it's just because of my period." I said it both for his benefit and mine. This hadn't started until the bleeding did, so maybe that was true.

Jake hummed. "Let me know if you don't feel better later, okay?"

I promised, then I helped clean up dinner. Afterward, we went through our now daily conversation of things that bothered him throughout the day and talk about my nightmares and seeing my dad's grave. I felt so strange as we sat on the couch and talked. I really hoped this feeling would go away after my cycle stopped.

I stopped the next day. I wanted to be happy because that meant that Jake and I could make love again. There was a part of me, so deep and buried, that wanted him to come home early so we could be together. The much bigger part of me didn't even care. It scared whatever was left in me that did care, and I decided to give it one more day before I talked to Jake about the medicine. He asked me how I was that day when he got home, and all I could really do was shrug and say the day was fine. It wasn't fine. He knew it, too.

"Baby, don't do this. What's the matter?"

Somewhere inside me, I was crying out to just talk to him. Tell him what was wrong so he'd see that I needed something else. I couldn't. I felt like I was blocked emotionally from even caring that anything was wrong. What did anything matter at all? Even though I knew he would care a great deal, I found myself wondering why I didn't just put myself and everyone around me out of our misery.

"Nothing," I heard myself answer.

"We both know that's not true. Talk to me." He touched my cheek and stared into my eyes. Could he see the emptiness that I felt? Somehow I hoped he did. I shrugged and stepped back so I could move around him and go lay down. I didn't want to walk away from him, but I didn't have much of a say in what I did. This numbness was calling the shots now.

I couldn't remember falling asleep or Jacob coming to bed, but I woke up Friday morning without him beside me. I looked at the clock and was surprised to see it was already ten o'clock. If he woke me up to say goodbye, I didn't remember it. I laid in bed and cried for a while wondering why this was happening now. I'd had such a small taste of heaven in the few days Jake and I had been together intimately. Was that all I got? Now everything was going to crash around me—for what? For a chance to get better? I didn't want to get better if this was what it was. It got up somewhere around noon and saw the medicine Jake had set out on the counter for me. I thought about leaving them there, but I didn't know what that would do. I wished Jake was there so I could ask him about it. Instead, I just took the pills. I half-heartedly thought about going through the safety plan to work through this. I needed to snap out of it for Jake. I read through the whole thing, but the only thing that I really felt was why? What was the point? I gave up and went to lie back down.

Jake came in when he got home from work and sat on the edge of the bed. "Hey, baby," he said softly.

I nodded, but just stared into the corner of the room. He sighed and kissed my head, then he got up to go take a shower. I made myself get up to spend at least a little bit of time with him, but I found myself drifting away more often than not. It seemed every time he tried to talk to me, I couldn't respond to him. Not the way I wanted to, anyway. What scared me even more was that tiny part of me that wanted to be with him was getting smaller and smaller. I had to fight it. I knew I did. But how do you fight something that has total control of you?

Jake woke me up on Saturday at nine-thirty. I got up reluctantly and went into the kitchen. He'd already taken his medicine, but he got mine out for me and gave me the pills and a glass of water. I stared at them in my palm for a few seconds. I had to do something. I couldn't keep going on like this, and it was pretty obvious that fighting the medication couldn't happen if I kept taking it. I wasn't even sure it was them that caused it. I wanted to find out, though.

"Ness?" Jake asked. I looked up at him and realized my eyes had watered.

"Do you think it would be bad if I skipped a day?" I asked.

His brow furrowed. "It can be pretty bad. Why do you want to skip?"

I shrugged. How could I explain this? "I don't know. I just feel weird when I take it."

"Weird how?" He leaned his hip against the counter.

I shrugged again. "I don't know. Maybe it's nothing." I went to take the pills, but he stopped me.

"Wait, Ness. What do you mean you feel weird? This is important."

I stared at my hand again and thought about how to explain what I felt. "Before I met you, I found a way to make myself numb so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore. I feel that way again, but it's worse. I had at least a little control when I did it to myself. Now I don't. I feel like I'm not me anymore." I sniffled and realized I'd started to cry.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Is that why you've been acting strange lately?"

I nodded. "I can't care about anything. As much as I want to be with you or talk to Leah or go see my dad, it's all meaningless, and that scares me. You made me promise to give it another two weeks, though, so I didn't want to bring it up again."

He sighed and took the pills out of my hand. He left the birth control there, but put the others back in the bottles. "I asked for two more weeks before I knew that they did that do you. Please, Nessie, don't feel like you can't talk to me. I've been taking meds for a while, and I know that some work better than others. Don't take anymore, and we'll talk to Dr. Furst about it as soon as we can, okay?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry."

He made me look at him. "Don't be sorry, Ness. I know what it's like trying to figure what works and what doesn't. It sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this."

"How long does it usually take for you to figure out your medicine when you have to change it?"

He shrugged. "It depends. Last time, I only had to try one. But there have been times I've had to try up to five or six."

Five or six sounded terrible. I leaned into him. "I love you."

He kissed my head. "I love you, too."

It was almost frightening how just one dose of medicine changed everything so drastically. I wasn't myself again, but I found that I could concentrate a little easier. I felt more. I still lost track of time on occasion, but it wasn't as bad as it had been even the day before. It made me hopeful that the medicine was what had been causing it, and that I'd be better soon.

That evening after dinner, I sat with Jake on the couch to talk to him again. He admitted that it frustrated him when I wouldn't talk to him the past few days. I tried to apologize, but he wouldn't let me. I felt terrible for pushing him away the way I had. I told him about everything I had felt—or rather, not felt—and how I could already feel such a difference in myself.

After we'd talked about everything, he was going to take a shower. I hadn't showered in two days; I felt disgusting. There was still that part of me that didn't care. What was the point? I was stronger now, though, and I picked myself up off the couch and went into the bedroom. My heart was pounding for some reason I didn't know. Jake smiled at me as he got what he needed. I licked my lips and pushed past another emotionless barrier.

"Can I take one with you?" I asked.

He raised his eyebrows and smirked. "You want to?" I definitely wanted to. I nodded and started to get what I needed. He came up behind me as I was digging in the dresser, and he kissed my shoulder. "Can I fuck you in there?"

I shivered and turned my head to see him. "Yes." I wasn't sure how it would work, but he had mentioned a few days ago that he wanted to be with me in the shower.

The water was so warm and felt good against my skin. Jake's hands felt even better. He washed my hair for me, and I melted into him. There was nothing better in this life than being so close to him, even if we weren't making love. I washed his body and smiled coyly at him when I got to his erection. He just smirked and kissed me as he started to clean my breasts. He moved down my front slowly, carefully covering each inch of skin with the washcloth. I moaned when he reached between my legs. He made a few passes with the cloth before he took it away and just used his fingers.

"Put your leg on the side of the tub, Ness," he said softly, patting the leg he wanted me to move. I did, and my eyes closed as he pushed a finger inside me. I held his shoulder with one hand and rubbed his erection with the other as he fingered me. Everything he'd ever done felt so good, but there something about this act now that made me feel even closer to him. I wasn't sure if it was just because I was finally able to feel how connected we were again or what, but it was amazing. He wrapped his arm around me to hold me steady as my legs began to shake. He kissed me deeply when I got close to my orgasm, and every moan was met with one of his. I pulled back from the kiss and pushed my forehead against his shoulder, crying out from ecstasy.

"I love you, Jake," I said breathlessly.

He kissed my wet hair. "I love you, too, baby. How do you want me to fuck you?"

I furrowed my brow. "What do you mean?"

He smiled and took my hand, gently placing me between him and the wall. "Well, I can hold you up like this." He pushed me against the cold tile and kissed me. "Or like this." He turned me around so I was facing away from him. "Whichever you want." He moved my hair out of the way so he could kiss my neck.

I licked my lips. "I don't know. Which way do you like better?" I was a little hesitant to have him do that behind me, but I would do it for him.

"I like them both better." He turned me back around and kissed me as he squeezed one of my breasts. "But I think for your first time in the shower, we'll stick to face-to-face."

He knew me so well. It brought tears to my eyes that he was so considerate of me and my needs. I held his shoulders as I stood on my toes and kissed him. "Thank you."

He just smiled and kissed me one more time and moved away from me to reach out and get the condom he'd set on the counter. He ripped the package open with his teeth, and I licked my lips as he tossed it somewhere outside the shower. "You want to help?" he asked, holding the little rubber thing out to me.

I blushed but nodded and took it from him. He showed me how it worked. It was surprisingly simple. Once it was on, he lifted me up and pressed my back against the wall with one arm around my waist. "Wrap your legs around me, baby." I did, and he carefully positioned his erection before pushing in. His arm went under me to help hold me up. I gasped and held his hair tightly. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, it just hurts."

He kissed me and moved against me gently until he was all the way in. The pain diminished quickly, and soon it felt so much better than it ever had before. The warm water rained down on us, pooling between us when his hips were against mine. It added a strange sensation that somehow amplified everything else. His breath was hot against my neck as he roughly whispered to me how much he loved me and how good my body felt to him. My arms tightened around his shoulders, and I cried out as a new and incredible pressure began to build between my hips. His movements became rougher against me, more urgent. He bit my neck and growled as he reached his end. I had to admit I was impressed that he could not only stay standing but keep me up as well.

I missed the pressure immediately when he pulled out and set me lightly on my feet. "I love you, Ness."

I smiled and kissed his chest. "I love you, too."

"One of these days, I promise I'll make you cum."

"You always do, Jake." There hadn't been a single time that he hadn't taken care of me first.

He kissed my nose. "I know, but I meant I'll make you cum with my dick."

I blushed. I had known what he meant, but somehow it sounded more erotic when he put it so bluntly. "I look forward to that." I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say or not, but I really did.

He chuckled and got me directly under the spray again. It wasn't as warm as it had been before, but we were pretty much done anyway. He turned the water off a moment later, and we both got ready for bed. He preferred to stay naked after sex, so we did.

"I think we should take a shower together every day, babe. That was fun."

I laughed and got in bed next to him. "Yes, it was. I'll consider that. But what about all the other places you wanted to make love?"

He pulled me close and kissed my lips. "Trust me, babe, there's plenty of time for everything we want to do." I smiled and settled down on his chest with my leg around his. "How are you feeling, Ness? I mean with the numbness and all."

"So much better, Jake. It's not gone completely, but I can feel things again." Like how much I really loved him. It was almost overwhelming. I kissed his neck.

"Did you ever get a chance to look for support groups?" His arm tightened around me.

I shook my head. "I had a lot of opportunities, but I was . . . I guess I just didn't care." I hated to admit that.

Jake just kissed my head. "Will you do that for me tomorrow?"

"Yes, I will."

I woke up with Jake the next morning and was able to get his medicine for him. He smiled and gave me the birth control pill.

I turned on the computer after he left and opened up the web browser to search for PTSD support groups. I found a ton, a few even in the Phoenix area. Intrigued, I picked out ten of them to look into before I decided on one to join. They all had pretty much the same set up as far as a forum, but some were bigger than others with more members. I finally chose one that was near me and tried to sign up. I frowned when it asked for an e-mail. I didn't have one, and although I knew there were ways to get one, I didn't know what they were. I saved the page I needed and decided to ask Jake to help me when he got home. I searched again for photosensitivity groups. There weren't nearly as many as those, but I did find one based somewhere in England. I saved that page as well and turned everything off.

I felt better throughout the day, and yet worse at the same time. I wasn't nearly as numb as I had been the last few days taking the medication, and it seemed every painful memory was heightened. I worked on the techniques Dr. Furst had given Jake and me, and found they did work pretty well when my head was in the right place.

I was in a strange mood and decided to do breakfast for dinner. French toast sounded too good. I started getting everything ready around four-fifteen, and I had the second piece on the stove when Jake came in. I told him about the success I'd had with the coping strategies while we ate. He was happy to hear that I was doing better. After dinner, I sat on his lap at the computer while I showed him the websites I'd found. He helped me set up the accounts I needed and even make a post on each one.

I had planned on taking a shower with him that night, but things heated up after I'd finished on the computer. We made love on the bed, then we took a bath together. Everything was perfect again as I rested against him in the water.

"I love you, Jake."

He kissed my cheek and ran his fingertips over my arms under the water. "I love you, too, baby. Do you still want to go see your dad's grave this week?"

I nodded. "Yes, I do. Tuesday, after therapy?"

"Yes. Also, Leah wanted us to come over tomorrow after I get off work. Do you want to go?"

He should already know the answer to that. "Of course. How is she doing, by the way?" I turned around so I was laying on my stomach on his chest. His hands slipped down to my waist and held gently.

"She's doing much better. She's worried about you, though. I told her last week that you were acting weird, and I haven't had a chance to talk to her much since yesterday." He kissed me. "I hope Dr. Furst has something to say about that. I don't want you on medication if that's what it's going to do."

I agreed with him. Once out of the bath, we got dressed and cleaned up our mess from dinner, then we played a few games of cards until it was time to go to bed.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85

For those of you who know ReneeFF, her birthday is coming up soon! I wrote her a oneshot based on a prompt she gave me. Check it out; it's called You All Along.


	43. Lost

A/N: I'm so sorry for the wait on this chapter. RL has been a super bitch. Thank you to everyone for being so patient and understanding. Not sure how often chaps will get updated, but hopefully it will be more often than once a month :)

A huge thank you to ReneeFF for the song rec. It is officially my new favorite song. Just gorgeous. Go listen!

This story has been nominated for an Emerging Swan award for Best Romance! I don't have any idea who nominated me/the story, but thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever was! Today (September 5th) is the last day to vote, so make sure you visit their site and vote! There are a lot of good stories there, including many wolfpack stories! Go to emergingswanawards . blogspot . com. The link is also on my profile.

Enjoy the chapter! A bit of fun mixed in with a bit of drama. Isn't that what it's all about? LOL.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Two

Lost

_'Cause you are not alone  
I'm always there with you  
And we'll get lost together  
Till the light comes pouring through  
'Cause when you feel like you're done  
And the darkness has won  
Babe, you're not lost  
When your world's crashing down  
And you can't bear the thought  
I said, babe, you're not lost_

-Lost – Michael Bublé

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I knew something was up with Nessie when she started acting funny. She blamed it on her period, and I tried to believe that. I wanted it to be something simple that would just dissolve on its own. Of course it wasn't that simple. She got worse, hiding more and looking at me with the kind of glazed-over look in her eyes like I hadn't seen since I first met her. Even then it hadn't been as bad. At least then I could still see some emotion in her. As I watched her withdraw into herself, I tried to find a way to bring up the subject. It seemed every single time I tried, she just shrugged like it didn't matter and went to the bedroom to lay down.

I tried not to let it bother me too much. I just needed to figure out what the fuck was going on so I could fix it. Even that wasn't simple, though. Every time she turned from me, I had to fight the urge to grab her arm and yell at her until she finally talked to me. I talked to Leah on the phone a few times about what was going on. She was at home and feeling a little better, but still unable to do much. She wasn't happy at all about having to limit her activities, but she'd come close to accepting the fact that she was going to be a mother and the baby was more important than proving to the world that she was her own woman. She was concerned about Nessie, though. She asked me to bring her over Monday for a movie night or something so she could try to help.

There was finally a breakthrough on Saturday when Nessie hesitated taking her medicine and confessed to me that they made her feel numb. It made so much sense to me; I couldn't even believe I hadn't considered that possibility before. I'd had enough problems with some of my meds over the years. It should have been the first thing I thought of.

It wasn't, though, and I tried not to let that get to me. I told Nessie not to take the pills anymore, and we'd figure something else out with Dr. Furst on Tuesday. That first day, I noticed such a difference. She actually talked me, and I realized how much I missed it. It wasn't just the lighthearted stuff, either. I actually missed the heavy therapy talk we had almost every night.

Fucking Ness in the shower was more incredible than I thought it would be. I was sure the fact that it was a weird kind of make-up sex, and that it had been a week since the last time I'd fucked her, played a pretty big role. Sunday after work, Nessie and I had French toast for dinner, talked about a bunch of shit, then I helped her with some things on the computer. I was happy that she'd done what I asked her to do and found some online support groups. She was very distracting, sitting on my lap. I couldn't help but feel her up and try to turn her on. It worked, and I got to fuck her again. We took a bath after, and it was so relaxing just holding her there in the water.

Since the moment Nessie told me that she wanted to see her dad's grave, I'd been trying to figure out a way to make it happen. I could just take her over to the cemetery and let her have at it, but somehow I knew she would need more than a half an hour or however long the sun let her stay. She'd probably be pretty upset, which would limit her time even more. If we could go at night, though . . . Thanks to stupid kids vandalizing or ghost hunting or whatever the fuck they did, we couldn't even do that. I'd been trying to figure out who I needed to talk to get permission for Ness to be on cemetery property after dark. Friday night I finally found who could give it to her and left him a message. I heard back from him Monday while I was work. He left a message, and I called him back on my lunch to explain the situation. It was surprisingly simple. He said that given Nessie's situation, we could go any time she wanted, and he'd talk to the caretaker and whoever else needed to know we'd probably be there.

I felt so much better with that out of the way. Work seemed to go smoother, too. I called Leah and gave her an update on the situation with Ness. She was happy to hear that things were getting back to normal. When I got home, Nessie was messing with the CD player. She looked back at me and smiled brightly, then turned back quickly. I went over to her and kissed her head.

"Hey, baby."

She leaned back against me as she pushed buttons. "Hey, Jake."

"Have a good day?"

She just nodded, obviously concentrating on something. I had to laugh a little when Welcome Home by Metallica came on. She turned around and stood on her toes to kiss me. "I had a good day. Did you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty good. Is there a reason you were looking for this song?"

Her brow furrowed. "Is this the one called 'Welcome Home'?"

I nodded. "Yes, but it's not about someone coming home. It's about breaking out of an insane asylum. Its other name is Sanitarium."

Her eyes widened. "Oh. Um, that's not what I thought it was."

I thought it was cute that she wanted to play some song for me when I got home. "Don't worry about it, babe. This is a good song anyway."

She let the song play even though it was obvious she wasn't impressed by it. "I have some chicken in the oven for dinner," she said with a smile.

"Yeah?" I sniffed the air. "Smells good, babe."

I think she might have rolled her eyes, but I couldn't tell. If she did, it wasn't serious. "Thanks. The recipe was almost too simple, so I hope it tastes okay."

It wasn't too long ago that she would have skipped a recipe for being too complicated. Now if she ran across something she wanted to try that she thought might be too difficult for her, she just waited for me to get home. I loved that she knew I'd be happy to help her.

"So, Ness," I said as we ate. "About tomorrow. Going to see your dad's grave."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"I want to know what you think about going at night."

She licked her lips and looked down at her plate. "Why at night?"

"It will give you more time to see him if you don't have to worry about the sun."

"That's true." She met my eyes. "Doesn't the cemetery close at sundown, though?"

"I talked to the owner about that, and he says we have permission to visit anytime after hours because of your condition. We can go whenever you want; it's not just tomorrow."

Her eyebrow rose. "Cemeteries have owners?"

I smiled. "Yeah, and it was a bitch tracking this guy down. But we're clear to go whenever. I really think it would be best to go at night, babe."

She took a deep breath. "I think you're right." She smiled.

After dinner, we got ready and headed out to Leah's. We got there a little later than I had expected, but it was still before six o'clock. She was hobbling around like she'd broken an ankle or something.

"How are you doing?" Nessie asked before I could. "Are you feeling okay?"

Leah smiled and hugged her back. "I'm doing all right. I could be better, of course. This whole minimal movement thing is really getting on my nerves."

Nessie furrowed her brow. "Should you be moving around? Can I help you get something?" I could just imagine how this was going to turn out.

Leah surprised me, though. "Actually, yes. Could you run downstairs and grab the bag of candy on the couch? I think I've decided I want to put it in bowls instead of just eat out of the bag."

Nessie nodded without hesitation and left. I smirked and hugged Leah's shoulders. "I'm surprised at you. I would have thought you'd say you don't need shit and tell her to leave you alone."

She shrugged. "I like her."

"Oh, but you don't like me?" I bumped her shoulder lightly so she'd know I was teasing.

"You can take it, Jake. I can be a bitch to you, and you keep coming back for more. I can't stand it when she gets that hurt look in her eyes. It makes me feel bad." She shrugged, and I just smiled. I knew exactly what she meant.

"How are you doing? Really?" I leaned against the counter as she got some bowls down.

She sighed and shrugged. "I don't know. It's so frustrating not being able to go to work or drink until I pass out. I wanted to so badly the night I came home from the hospital. As you'll notice, there is no more alcohol on top of the fridge." She gestured to the refrigerator, and I looked. I couldn't remember a time when she didn't have booze of some kind waiting for her. She was never an alcoholic. She knew how to control it, but she liked to drink every now and then.

"What happened to it?"

"Sam threw it away." Her tone was forlorn, like she was remembering some long lost friend. "He wouldn't even let me have one small drink. I get it. I really do, and I'm glad that he didn't let me. It just really sucks when I went into this marriage thinking I'd still be able to do everything I wanted, and now I can't."

"It'll get easier. I promise." I kissed the top of her head. "Neither of you were planning for this."

She sighed. "I know."

Nessie came back with a grocery bag full of smaller bags of candy. "Was this everything?" she asked as she set it on the counter.

Leah nodded. "Yep. So what are we going to watch?" She started to pull everything out of the bag.

Nessie shrugged and looked up at me. "Whatever you want, I guess. You're the pregnant lady."

She kind of glared at me for a second. "Okay. You guys do this and I'll go decide. Anything you really don't want?"

Nessie didn't want anything horror. Leah nodded and left. I picked up a package of gummy worms and handed them to her. "Why no horror?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I've been dealing with it enough in my real life."

I kissed her and got to work on the M&M's. When all the packages were emptied into the bowls, Ness took them down while I grabbed us all some drinks. Leah had set up a TV tray for everything, so I put what I had next to the other dishes and sat next to Ness. Leah had picked out a comedy. As we watched, I got a handful of M&M's and picked out a green one for Ness. She tried to take it, but I pulled back.

"Just open."

She did, and I placed the candy on her tongue. She looked up at me through her lashes for a second before turning back to the movie. I fed a few more to her throughout the movie, making sure they were all green. About halfway through, Leah paused the movie to go to the bathroom. I picked out five pieces of candy and gave them to Nessie.

She smiled. "Thank you."

I kissed her forehead. "You're welcome, baby."

She put one between her front teeth and looked up at me. I smirked and kissed her, sucking the candy right out of her mouth. Her eyes widened, and I smiled. "I've discovered a new favorite way to eat M&M's." I gave her a few more.

Leah came back and shook her head when she saw what Nessie was holding. I wondered if Ness had figured out what I was doing. Whether she had or not, the look on Leah's face said she was about the give me away anyway.

"You know," she said as she sat down. "The green ones are supposed to make you horny."

Nessie furrowed her brow. "What?"

Leah nodded. "It's true. The green M&M's, if you eat enough, will make you horny."

Ness glanced down at her hand for a moment before she obviously got what Leah was saying. She looked up at me with an amused gleam in her eyes, and I just winked at her. She laughed and lightly smacked my arm.

"What?" I asked in mock surprise. "Can't a guy do everything in his power to turn his girl on?"

Nessie mumbled something under her breath then leaned up to kiss me. "You can play the movie."

"What did you say?" I asked.

Nessie shook her head. "I didn't say anything."

Leah laughed. "Yes you did. It sounded like you said he never has a hard time with that."

Nessie blushed deep and cleared her throat. "Well he doesn't."

I smiled cockily and kissed her head. "I'm glad to hear it."

Leah finally played the movie again, and I kept feeding Ness the green ones. She gave me some, too. When the movie was over, Nessie and I cleaned everything up.

"You guys seriously don't have to do that," Leah insisted for the fourth time.

Nessie put the bowl she had in her hands down on the TV tray and shifted her weight. I kept my mouth shut and just waited to see what would happen. This was her "I'm getting serious" pose.

"Leah, I'm sure we both know that we don't have to do this. However, neither of us are going to leave a mess behind for you to clean up. We didn't do that when you weren't pregnant, so why should we start now?"

Leah stood up and picked up the bowl Nessie'd had. "Because I'm fine to do it by myself."

I was behind Nessie, so I couldn't see her face, but it was pretty clear from Leah's expression that it was taken as a challenge. "I didn't say you weren't, but you're going to at least let us help you."

I wasn't sure if I was surprised when Leah relented. The mess really wasn't that big. Between the three of us, it got done with just one trip up the stairs. I had kind of hoped that Ness and I could take off soon. Nessie turned to Leah in the kitchen and put her hand on her arm.

"Do you need any help with anything else?"

Leah shook her head. "Nope. I'm fine. Thank you, though. You guys go home and take full advantage of those green M&M's, okay?"

Nessie blushed, and I laughed. "You bet we will," I said with a wink at Ness.

When we got home, it was close to ten o'clock. Nessie changed into her pajamas—the flannel shorts I loved and a thin white tank top. I kind of just wanted to get naked, but it was obvious from the look on her face that she wasn't feeling like it. She was worried about something. I got into my sweats and went to find her getting a drink in the kitchen. I walked up to her and put my hands on her hips. I leaned down and kissed her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She took a breath and nodded. "Yeah. I'm just nervous about tomorrow."

She took another drink and poured the rest of the water down the drain. I moved her hair to the side and kissed her neck. "About seeing your dad?"

She tensed up and pulled away from me a little. "His grave. Yes."

I took her hand and tugged gently. She followed me to bed and sat beside me with our backs against the headboard. "Are you really ready?" I held her hand, and she entwined our fingers.

She took a deep breath and hesitated for a moment before she nodded. "I'm really ready. I need this." Her fingers tightened on mine.

"Okay. I love you, Ness. You know I'll be there beside you the whole time."

She nodded again. "I know." She looked up at me and smiled. "You know what's kind of funny?"

The corner of my mouth rose. "No; what's funny?"

She licked her lips. "I think I might be more nervous about going to the cemetery at night."

I pulled my hand from hers and wrapped my arm around her shoulders to pull her closer. "But I thought you didn't believe in ghosts."

"I don't, but that doesn't mean I can't get spooked." She rested her head on my shoulder and turned a little to snuggle into my chest.

I rubbed her back and kissed her hair. "Yeah, I know. But again, I'll be there with you, and I won't let anything get you, okay?"

"Okay." She sucked in a deep breath and kissed my throat. "Thank you for everything, Jake. All that you've done and all that I've put you through." She raised her arm up, her fingers grazing my chest on their way to my shoulder. She kissed my neck again as her palm moved back and forth over my collar bone. "I love you."

There was no way in hell I was going to sleep any time soon. I was already turned on. I made her look up at me so I could kiss her. She immediately deepened it, and her hand moved back to grab my hair. My arm around her held tightly and lifted her up to move her between my legs. She leaned back against me, her face turned up and sideways to keep up the kiss. Her arms lifted up to hold on to me, and my hands began to wander. I grabbed her tits and listened to her whimper into the kiss. Her hips shifted, causing her lower back to push against my dick. It felt good, but goddammit, I needed to be inside her sweet pussy. I pinched her nipple with one hand while the other slipped down her stomach to her hip. I pulled her back and thrust my hips into her. She moaned again, and her legs spread. I couldn't help but take the invitation.

I put my whole hand over her pussy. Her back arched, and she broke the kiss as she cried out. I wasn't done with her. She tried to move away, probably to get ready to fuck, but I held her where she was and just moved my fingers over her shorts. I got a sudden idea. Grinning to myself, I silently thanked her for choosing the extremely short bottoms and slid my fingers underneath everything from the opening at her thigh. She gasped and tensed up.

"You okay?" I asked. I didn't stop. I found her folds and parted them to feel how wet she was already.

She nodded and reached up with one arm to grab my hair again. "I am so good, Jake."

I kissed her cheek and repositioned my hand so I could do more. She liked it when I played with her clit better than when I fingered her, but putting them together was the magic combination. I had her writhing within only a few minutes. I loved it when she arched her back, causing her tits to stick up. Her legs began to shake, and very soon she froze up. She held her breath for a second before her pussy tightened up and she cried out. I let her ride out the orgasm before I pulled back. I was so fucking hard; I just needed to fuck her.

She was breathing heavily when she looked up at me with satisfied eyes. I loved that blissful look she always gave me. She licked her lips as I licked my fingers. I couldn't say what the hell possessed me to hold my hand out.

"Want to taste?"

Her eyebrows furrowed, and she scooted away from me. "Taste . . . that?" She sounded as if I'd just suggested she eat live spiders.

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure why I did that."

She smiled, but it was a little tense. "That's okay. I don't want to, though." She shook her head and licked her lips again. My eyes lingered on her lips, and I knew what I wanted. It was something I'd thought of before, but now that we were actually in a sexual relationship and everything, I could talk to her about it. I pulled her close and kissed her.

"Okay. I have a question for you, baby." I kissed her again and took hold of her hips to help her move over me. She sat down and moved over my dick.

"What is it?" she half whimpered, half gasped.

"I want you to do something for me. It's not anything you've ever done before, and I want you to remember that you can say no if you're not comfortable." I always had to say it just so she knew. The thought of her doing something she didn't want because she thought she had to made me feel a little queasy.

She nodded and kissed me. "I know, Jake. What do you want?" She sat back a little, her arms still around my neck, and pushed against my hips. I wanted to fuck her in this position someday, too.

"I want you to suck my dick." She stopped moving altogether and stared at me for a second. Her whole body had gone tense, and for a moment I really wondered if she was even breathing. "Ness?"

She got up and moved off the bed. "You want me to . . ." she trailed off and sort of gestured to my lap. "I . . . Jake, I don't know how. I mean, you're so good at what you do when you . . . you know . . . and I love it. I want to make you feel good like that." She ran her fingers through her hair. It wasn't hard to tell she was starting to panic a little. I got up and almost took her shoulders when she walked away from me, mumbling along the way. "I knew this was coming. I mean, this is all normal, right? Girls are supposed to do that. That's expected. But what if I—"

"Nessie, stop." I caught her and made her look at me. "It's normal, yes, but I don't expect you to do anything just because I want it. It's not something you're _supposed_ to do. I'm asking you to because I do want it, but if you say no, that's the end of it. I do it for you because I like it, not because I want you to do it for me in return. Please don't feel obligated, baby."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "I've thought about this before. I was just nervous to bring it up. I do want to. I don't know what I'm doing, though." She sighed as though she was frustrated with herself.

I smiled and touched her cheek with the backs of my fingers. "Haven't I already proved to you that I'll teach you whatever you need or want to know?"

She licked her lips. "Yes, but . . . how could you teach me to do that?"

I couldn't help but laugh a little. "I may not know the woman's side of it, but I do know what I like. It's really not that complicated, baby. It doesn't take a lot to please me." That was partially a lie. While Nessie could probably make me cum, Leah had spoiled me with her ability to deepthroat so fucking well. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that Nessie wouldn't be able to do that. It didn't really matter. She could probably learn one day if she practiced enough and got some pointers.

Nessie paused for a second before she nodded. "Okay. You show me what to do, and I'll . . . suck your dick."

Holy fucking shit, it was erotic to hear those words from her mouth. I kissed her and got back on the bed. I grabbed a little bottle of lube from the nightstand and handed it to her as she sat beside me. "You may want this. I'll leave that up to you. Some girls prefer to use their spit, but whatever you're more comfortable with is fine with me. I've never tasted it, so I don't know how well you'll like it."

She nodded and opened the bottle. She sniffed it and cocked her head to the side. "It smells like strawberries." She squeezed a little out and licked it. "Tastes like it, too."

She held out her finger, and I sucked the rest of it off for her. It really did taste like strawberries. "Huh. I don't remember getting flavored, but whatever. Maybe that'll make it easier." I got up and took off my sweats, then sat next to her again. I showed her what to do with the lube and kissed her lips as she pumped her fist over my shaft. "We'll do this for ten minutes, then I want to fuck you, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay. What do I do now?"

I told her the basics, almost too excited about what was about to happen to pay attention to anything but how her hand was soon to be accompanied by her lips and tongue. She finally slid down and bent over. I held her hair for her and told myself over and over again that I couldn't pull no matter how badly I wanted to. I hadn't forgotten that she didn't like that. If I ever wanted this to happen again, I had to be nice.

She might have been a beginner with absolutely no deepthroating capabilities whatsoever, but holy motherfucker, she was good. I was sure it had everything to do with it being Nessie's lips around my dick and Nessie's tongue lightly licking the tip when she came up. She really took her time getting to know what I liked. It wasn't hard to see how that could pay off in the future, so I just let her do whatever she wanted. I only offered a little guidance like how to make sure her teeth didn't scrape and to keep a semi-steady pressure by actually sucking. I was sweating and so ready for a release by the time her ten minutes were up.

"Ness?" I panted.

She looked up at me sideways, my dick still in her mouth. Motherfucker. I kind of wanted to just grab her hair tightly and fuck her face. Not yet. She still had a lot to get used to before I could even think about that. I pulled up lightly on her hair. "I really need to fuck you, baby."

She sat up and licked her lips. "How was that?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Amazing, of course. Do you expect me to say it was crappy?"

She smiled and reached over to get a condom. "No, I guess not." I chuckled and watched her as she put the rubber on for me. "Jake?" She licked her lips again and looked up at me hesitantly.

I lifted her shirt over her head and palmed her tits. "Yeah, baby?"

"Can we try something new?"

I met her eyes, a little surprised. She hadn't ever asked for anything new. "Yeah. What do you want to try?"

She took a breath and hesitated for a moment. She closed her eyes tightly and spoke quickly. "I want to be on top."

There must have been something wrong somewhere, because shit like this had been happening more and more often lately. Just when I thought a day or night couldn't get any better, Nessie had to go and find a way to make it even more phenomenal. "I was just thinking about that, babe."

Her eyes opened, and she smiled. "You were?"

I nodded and helped her get out of her shorts. "I was. I would love it if you were on top."

I slid down on my back and held her hips as she got in place and held my dick for her to slide down. "Will you help me?"

"Of course. Just do what feels good, Ness."

Her hands on my chest held her up for the most part. Her hair fell around her, somehow accentuating her every movement as it swayed back and forth. Her arms were far enough part that I could see her tits clearly as they bounced. Her nipples had me mesmerized for a moment. I needed faster. Harder. I held her hips tightly and helped her give me what I needed. Her cries got louder, and her fingers curled against my skin.

"Do you like this?" I asked, lifting my hips to meet hers as she descended. It caused another loud moan as she threw her head back. Her hair moved with her, and I could feel it against my fingers when she turned her head.

"God, yes!" she cried. "I . . . Oh . . . Jake, please!"

"Please what?" I growled. I couldn't get enough of her. I was so fucking close.

"Please don't . . . oh, fuck . . . stop."

I felt myself go cold and gripped her hips tighter to make her stop. "What, baby?"

She whimpered. "Why are you stopping? Did I do something wrong?"

I had to take a second to breathe, but I shook my head. "No, Ness. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounded like you were asking to stop." She was begging.

She smiled and leaned down to kiss me. "No, Jake. That time I was asking you to please don't stop."

Well, that made more sense. I couldn't understand why she would sound so happy if she didn't like it. I laughed at myself and got us back to the rhythm we had before. As her ass slammed down on my hips, I reached up and grabbed her tits. She liked it when I pinched her nipples.

"Are you close, babe?" I managed to ask.

"So close. I think. I don't know. Oh, God."

I knew a way to make sure. I took her hip with one hand and reached between us with the other. I found her clit with my thumb and rubbed a light circle. Her whole body jerked, and her legs began to shake. She was really fucking close. I helped more move faster and a little harder, continuing to rub her clit. I had to hold on for her. Just a few more thrusts. I clenched my jaw and forced it to wait. Suddenly she tightened up and her pussy clamped down on my dick. I growled and thrust my hips up, unable to stop it.

She collapsed on my chest, breathing heavily like I was. I let us rest for a moment before I rolled over and kissed her head. I took the condom off and threw it in the trash can I'd put by my bed for just this occasion and pulled her into my arms.

"How do you feel, baby?"

She groaned a very satisfied but sleepy groan. I was going to take that as her answer when she lifted her head and lightly kissed my lips. "I know my new favorite position."

I smiled widely. "Me, too, babe."

"Yeah?" She seemed skeptical.

"Oh, yeah. And I made you cum with my dick." I raised my eyebrows.

She nodded and scooted closer to me. "Yes, you did. I'm so tired, Jake."

I kissed her forehead. "You can go to sleep."

"No, I can't. We need to at least get under the covers." She shivered a little as if she was cold.

I got us under the blankets and held her tightly. "Better?"

She sighed contentedly. "Much. Goodnight, Jake. I love you."

"Love you, too, babe. Get some sleep; tomorrow's a big day."

* * *

I had a half a plan on Tuesday. We'd go to therapy, then spend the rest of the day relaxing and doing whatever it took to make damn sure Ness was ready to see her dad. I was nervous about it, but it wasn't my decision. I couldn't tell her to wait another week or two. All I could do was be beside her and hold her when she cried. Who knew, maybe she'd surprise me in a good way.

"You 'bout ready to go, babe?" I asked as I got my shoes on.

She was in the bathroom brushing her hair. When she came out, she patted her thighs and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. Do I need to take the medicine with me?"

"Yes. Grab that so he knows how much you took." Nessie'd been doing so good without taking the medication that I wanted to talk to him about leaving her off of it. At the same time, it had only been a few days. He was the expert, so I was going to at least see what he suggested. I really didn't want her to have to go through the whole process of finding a pill that worked, though.

At the office, we went through the first basic part of talking about the last week; what went well and what didn't. Nessie explained what had happened with the medicine. The moment she mentioned birth control, Dr. Furst perked up.

"I'm not sure what it was about these pills, but I'd really like to stay off them," Nessie said.

Dr. Furst nodded. "Of course. I can tell you that it was not just the medicine that caused the bad reaction. While some medications can take up to a few weeks to cause a severe reaction, most will happen within the first three to five days."

"What caused it then?" Nessie asked. I leaned forward and took her hand.

"Now I can't say that I'm one hundred percent correct, but I would be willing to bet good money that it was the birth control. The reason is because Nortriptyline can be affected by hormone therapies such as birth control. It can lower the effectiveness or increase the side effects; sometimes both. What kind of birth control are you on?"

All I knew what the sleeve thing it was in was purple. Nessie reached into her pocket and handed Dr. Furst one of the packets. He nodded. "I got it at the health clinic."

"Okay. That's fine. We can work around that. How have you been feeling since Saturday when you stopped taking it?"

Nessie looked up at me and smiled a little shyly. "I've been . . . really good. I think." I kissed her forehead.

"That's good. We have a few options. The first option is to prescribe a different antidepressant. If you've been doing well without the medicine, however, we can hold off on that for a while and just see how you feel with the other types of therapy. I would recommend that you continue to take the Prazosin for your nightmares. I don't see any reason that it should interfere with your birth control, or vice versa. What would you prefer to do?"

I smirked and looked at Ness. She glanced at me before she nodded. "I think I'd like to just stay with the dream one and see how that works."

"I agree. I've been through the process, and if she has a choice, I'd rather she didn't try any more for a while." Not to mention I couldn't bear the thought of her withdrawing from me like that again.

Dr. Furst nodded and wrote something down on his clipboard. "All right. I've taken you off the antidepressant prescription. Continue to take the Prazosin and let me know if anything else develops. Do you have any other questions about that?" Nessie and I both shook our heads. "Good. How is your medicine working, Jacob?"

I shrugged. "It seems fine. I haven't had any problems with it."

"I'm glad to hear it. Do you find yourself more stable than before, or is there any change at all?"

"I think I'm more stable. I don't know. It's hard to tell sometimes."

He nodded again. "It can be. Tell me, when Nessie was going through her ordeal last week, how often did you get upset with her?"

Nessie looked up at me, and I kind of wanted to lie. That wouldn't get me anywhere, though. "A few times. It wasn't like before, though; I never yelled at her. I just wanted her to talk to me."

"That's very good, Jacob. Did you want to yell at her?"

Why the fuck was he asking me this? Of course I wanted to yell at her, but I didn't. I sighed. "Yeah."

Nessie didn't seem to get upset at all. I rubbed her back and tried to smile at her.

"I can tell you right now you're more stable. When you first came into my office for the initial consultation, it was very obvious that I was asking questions you didn't want to answer. Although you never said it, you were upset with me. You're upset now, too, but look at how much easier it is for you to control yourself. I think you're doing remarkably well."

I wouldn't say _remarkably_ well, but I could see that I'd improved. "Yean, I guess."

"Don't downplay your progress, Jacob. It's very important."

Nessie nodded and squeezed my fingers. We talked a little bit about going to see her dad's grave, then it was time to go. When we got home, Ness and I went through the safety plan and a few exercises. She made sure she had two things to keep her grounded in case she needed them. She had me, too, but I wasn't going to let her have only one other option. Once she was sure she was as ready as she could get, we sat down on the couch and started a movie. She seemed a little distracted, but she never moved from her spot next to me. I held her tightly and just prayed I'd be able to keep her in one piece tonight.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading! Next week is going to be super-hectic, so I'm sorry to say it may be a while before the next chapter is ready. Thanks again for being so patient! Y'all are great!


	44. So Far Away

A/N: Much love for my readers and reviewers. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

I don't expect the rest of the chapters to each have a lemon, but so far Jake and Ness have been surprising me with their luvin. They seem rather . . . exuberant. This chapter wasn't supposed to have one, but Ness made me write it. I don't think anyone will get upset about that :)

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Three

So Far Away

_Now that we're here, It's so far away  
All the struggle we thought was in vain  
All the mistakes one life contained  
They all finally start to go away _

_Now that we're here, it's so far away  
And I feel like I can face the day  
I can forgive and I'm not ashamed  
To be the person that I am today._

-So Far Away – Staind

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

It wasn't even four o'clock in the afternoon yet, and I was already nervous. I found myself constantly losing track of the movie Jake and I were watching, instead thinking about everything that was going to happen that night. I was going to visit my dad's grave.

I wasn't really a superstitious person. I didn't believe in ghosts or goblins or whatever else people said inhabited cemeteries. Regardless of what I believed or didn't, though, there was always a sense of eerie discomfort around graveyards. I never had any problems with them when I was with my dad, but the few occasions that I did come across one by myself made me question if I was really as brave as I thought I was.

I tried not to dwell on it. Jake would be there, and there wasn't anything to be afraid of anyway. Every time I pushed it away, though, I'd feel an echo of the crushing weight on my chest for the reason I was going in the first place. I knew I wouldn't actually see my dad. Instead of his face, I'd see a stone plaque with his name, birth and death date, and maybe a few words about his life. Mom's headstone was a beautiful white tower that came to my waist when I was in my early teens. It had all the basic information with a wreath-like pattern and a quote from a book that my dad had said was her favorite. It was Romeo and Juliet, and it said something about saying goodbye until it be morrow. I had always thought it was silly; she said goodbye permanently.

I worried about what I would find on my dad's stone. I wanted it to be something beautiful and worthy like my mother's, and yet I knew it wouldn't be. He had no family other than me, and anyone making decisions would probably have chosen the least expensive option.

When Jacob's arm tightened around me, I realized I had started to cry. My breathing was erratic, and I was clutching his shirt tightly in my fist.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "Yeah, I think so. I just can't stop thinking about tonight."

"Which part are you thinking about?" He ran his fingers through my hair.

I sighed and inched closer to him. I was pretty much in his lap already, but a little more couldn't hurt. "Just wondering what his headstone will be like."

Jake nodded and kissed my forehead. "You didn't pick anything out for him, did you?"

My stomach churned, and I shook my head. "I couldn't."

"It's okay, baby. I wouldn't expect anything extravagant, though."

I nodded. "I know." I leaned over enough to put my head on his shoulder, but I wasn't close enough. I needed him to hold me tightly and just say over and over again that I would be okay. I sat up, and he loosened his arm around me enough to let me get up and straddle him. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I buried my face between my elbow and his neck. "I love you."

He kissed my head. "I love you, too, Ness." He held me the way I was hoping, and it did help a little bit.

"Do you think this is a good idea?" I asked.

Jake took a deep breath and pushed me back enough to see my face. "I think it is if you're ready for it. You've been doing so good. The only thing I'm worried about, baby, is I don't want this to set you back. I'm not going to say whether I think you are or aren't ready; that's your call. I just want you to be sure either way." His hands went to my hips and held gently.

I leaned in and kissed his lips. "I can't really explain this. I'm scared, but I know I'll be okay. I just need to know where he is."

"I know, and I support you all the way, Ness. Please promise me something, though?" His grip on my hips tightened.

I lightly massaged his shoulders, hoping to reassure him. "Anything."

"Promise that you won't push it. If you feel like it's too much at any time, tell me and we'll leave. Please?" His eyes were begging me.

I kissed him again and nodded. "I promise."

"It doesn't matter if we're still in the car or whatever."

I smiled. "I know, Jake. I swear if it's too much, we'll leave."

He seemed to relax a little and rubbed his thumbs over the waistband of my jeans. "Thank you."

My fingers lightly combed the hair at the back of his head. "You're welcome." His hands on my hips took their time sliding up to my back where he pulled me in for another kiss. It was slow and relaxed but deep and sensual at the same time. My entire body heated up the way it usually did when Jake kissed me. From what I felt between my legs, I wasn't the only one getting aroused. I rocked my hips against him, and he grunted into my mouth.

As his hands gripped my hips tightly, I thought over what had happened the night before. I had been so nervous when he explained how I should give him oral. All of my worrying was for nothing, as it usually was. The look on his face when he stopped me saying he needed to make love to me was all I needed to assure myself that he enjoyed what I did. I wasn't as good as him; I had no doubt of that, but it still felt nice to know that I could please him the way he did me. I wanted to do it again. I believed in that old saying about practice makes perfect. I didn't think he'd object. All the same, I wasn't sure how to ask. When he did it to me, he just told me what was going on. There was no asking involved, probably because he knew I'd want it. I wasn't as certain, though.

I broke the kiss and told myself to just say it. I leaned back a little, and his hands went to my backside to pull me in tighter. I gasped at the feel of his erection against me and leaned in to put my forehead on his shoulder. Somewhere inside me, a small bubble of doubt began to build. I hated it. I didn't want to be unsure anymore. I knew he liked what I did. I couldn't push it away, though. It blocked my throat and made it impossible to tell him what I wanted.

I furrowed my brow at myself. If I couldn't tell him, I'd show him. Somehow. I kissed his neck, and his chin raised to give me more room. It encouraged me, and I put all of my passion into it. He groaned loudly when I bit him close to his shoulder.

"Goddammit, Ness. You need to use your teeth more often."

I smiled to myself and bit him harder. He hissed and shifted his hips into me. I wanted to work my way down, but I didn't want to do it over his shirt. I leaned back and tugged on it. Without a word, he sat up straighter and took the shirt off. Before I could kiss him again, he lifted mine up as well. I was a little nervous being out in the living room with just my bra on, but I remembered the words he'd said to me many times. It was just us; nobody else was around to see me. It calmed me down, and I smirked at him before I leaned down and continued my exploration.

He encouraged me more with words of love and desire. I replicated some things that he did to me that I loved, and it earned me a hiss or a curse each time. I think he caught on to what I was doing when I had to get off his lap to reach any lower. I situated myself between his knees, and the look he gave me was one of pure lust. I admired his hips when I got low enough, and finally allowed myself to do something I'd wanted to do for a long time. I kissed his stomach a few times, then I licked the line of his left hip. He groaned and put his hand in my hair. After a few more nips, I finally unbuttoned his pants. I looked up at him as I pulled the zipper down. He smirked and touched my cheek, then helped me pull the fabric down far enough to get to my goal.

It was a little different this time without the strawberry stuff, but I was still sure I could pull it off. I remembered what he had told me the night before and tried to recreate the things I'd done. The sounds he made only spurred me on, made me feel more confident. It was strange, but as I rubbed and licked his erection, I found myself wondering how it fit inside me. It didn't really matter; it just fit, and it felt good. There hadn't been any pain for a while, which made me very happy. Leah had been partially right. I wasn't sure if I'd say that I was addicted to sex with Jake, but I wanted it a lot. Like right now.

I looked up at him as I pulled back. His eyes were closed, and his lips were parted slightly as he panted. His hand in my hair held tightly but didn't tug. My entire body was throbbing with desire, and a small part of me thought about just making love right here on the couch without a condom. I was too nervous, though. On the couch was fine, but we needed the protection. I licked his erection one last time before I leaned up and kissed his stomach. His eyes opened, and he smiled at me.

"Thank you."

I licked my lips. "You're welcome. Will you stay right here?"

He nodded. "Yes, but where are you going?"

I wasn't sure why I blushed. "To get a condom."

I swear his eyes darkened. "Hurry." He leaned forward and kissed my lips.

I got up and went quickly down the hall to the bedroom and got what I needed. I almost ran back out to him, but something held me back. I wasn't sure where this subtle bravery was coming from, but I wanted to do more for him. A part of me wanted to give him a show, but I was too nervous. I didn't know how to move my body in a sexy way. Instead, I stripped the rest of my clothes off and walked out of the room naked. I stopped just outside the door and sucked in a few deep breaths. There was nothing to be afraid of. I repeated it in my head several times. It was only Jake and me. Nobody else could see me. I took a few more steps, moving slowly and giving myself time to accept that I really was going to do this.

Jake was exactly where I left him, his head leaned back on the couch and his right hand stroking his erection. The sight of it made my body throb harder than before. I tried to be quiet as I walked up to him and lightly touched his arm. His eyes opened and immediately ran over my body. He leaned forward and put both of his hands on my hips.

"You are so beautiful, Ness."

I licked my lips and leaned over to kiss him. "Thank you." I stood back up and opened the condom. He helped me get it on, then took my hips again and urged me to get on top of him. I told myself to keep breathing steadily as I parted my legs and straddled him. "I'm nervous," I admitted.

He nodded and rubbed my back as he leaned forward and kissed me again. "It's okay to be nervous, babe. You're doing so good, though. Remember how good it felt last night?"

I nodded. I hadn't been lying when I told Jake that I had a new favorite position. "Yes."

"This is just like that, only I'm sitting up."

I knew it wasn't much different, and truthfully the position wasn't what scared me. "I feel so exposed."

His arms wrapped around me and pulled me close, shielding my breasts against his chest. His erection was between us, and I could feel it against my stomach. "Would you feel better in the bedroom? Or if you put a shirt back on?"

I shook my head. "Thank you, but no. I want to do it like this." I knew it was how he wanted it as well.

"Just don't push yourself, Ness. The door is locked and the windows are all covered. Nobody but me will see you or hear you. I promise."

His words reassured me, and I did feel better. I knew it would only get easier once we started. I nodded and kissed him. "Okay."

His hand reached under me, and I licked my lips as he slipped a finger inside me. "Jesus, Ness; you are so fucking wet. Do you like sucking my dick?"

I couldn't deny it. "Yes, I do."

He pulled me close and kissed my lips. "That's good, because I fucking love it, too."

I whimpered. "Jake . . . I want to make love."

He removed his fingers and lifted my hips, and I helped him get positioned. It felt nothing but good when I slid down on him, moving slowly to get accustomed to his size. It didn't take long, and his hands guided my movements. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. My cries were muffled by his throat. He held me tightly, one arm around my back while the other hand held my backside.

"How are you?" he growled against my ear.

I whimpered and nodded as best as I could. "God, Jake . . ." Before we had made love, and even during the first few times, I never would have believed that anything could feel so good. As I had thought, I couldn't care less where we were now that we were into it. I just prayed it didn't stop.

He moved down a little and shifted his hold on me, and suddenly I felt him deeper than before. I cried out and held him tighter as the pressure inside me turned into the most incredible pleasure I'd ever experienced. "Right there," I managed to gasp. "Please . . ."

"You like it right there?" His hips were moving along with mine, and he began to push harder. I couldn't even try to focus on anything but the feelings he was creating in me. I said something back to him, but I wasn't sure what it was. Whatever it was spurred him on. He pushed me back, and I braced myself with my hands on his shoulders as I sat up. I threw my head back as he grabbed my breast roughly. "Goddammit, Ness," he said roughly. "Please tell me you're close."

It was hard to speak. Instead of the words I wanted to say, what came out was a jumbled mix of incoherency and moans. His fingers dug into my hips and pulled me against him harder. "Cum for me, baby," he begged. I wanted to. My hands were fisted tightly, and I tried to figure out how to let go. It only took a few more thrusts before it happened. I gasped as the pleasure washed over me in a completely different way than before. It was similar to the way it had happened the night before, but it wasn't as intense. It was just as amazing, though. He finished shortly after I did, and we both went limp against the couch.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Jacob groaned. "I love you, Ness."

I nuzzled my face against his shoulder. "I love you, too."

"I need to get up for a second." He pushed lightly on my hips, and I got up. I didn't really like the feeling of him pulling out of me, but I wasn't sure if it was more an emotional discomfort or a physical one. Either way, I had to deal with it. It wasn't like we could go around like that all the time. I blushed when I thought of making love in a public place. I couldn't even say where that thought had come from.

Jake came back and sat naked beside me. I turned into him and snuggled against his side. The movie had ended a while ago, and the screen was black. I didn't care. I sighed contentedly and kissed his chest.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

I looked up at him and smiled. "So good."

He kissed my lips. "Good. What should we do now?"

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Anything as long as I'm close to you."

"Are you hungry?"

I hadn't been, but my stomach must have noticed the time when he mentioned it. "A little, yeah. What time is it?"

Jake looked at his watch. "Just after five."

We had at least a few more hours of daylight to get through. I thought of something we could do. It was something I used to do with my dad, but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to do it with Jake. Would he think I was silly for it? I took a deep breath and told myself that was wrong. He would be nothing but supportive.

"You okay, Ness?" Jake asked.

I nodded and looked up at him again. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's really wrong. I'm just thinking." I knew I wouldn't get away with that, but I needed another minute to gather my thoughts.

"Thinking about what?" He rubbed my back gently and kissed my forehead.

He was so sweet. I took a few more seconds to remind myself of all the other times he had proven that what I wanted wasn't silly. "About something I want to do."

He nodded. "Okay. What is it? You know you can tell me, baby."

"I know. I, um . . . We could have a picnic." Even after everything we'd been through, I waited for him to laugh at me.

Instead, he pursed his lips. "A picnic?"

A pit of dread opened in my stomach. He obviously didn't think it was as good an idea as I did. "Yeah. My . . . my dad and I used to do it sometimes. We could have sandwiches." He still didn't look convinced. He looked like he was trying to figure out how to tell me I wasn't going to get what I wanted. "I'll make them, if you want."

Jake sighed and kissed my nose. "Ness, I want you to really think about this, okay? A picnic isn't. . ." He paused for a second, and I tried to forget about it. I didn't want to upset him, and I didn't really need what I'd asked for. It just sounded fun. "How long would it be?"

I licked my lips and shrugged. "We don't have to do it, Jake." Something inside me twisted in pain. I couldn't say why this was suddenly so important to me. It was trivial and stupid; there was no reason in the world I should get so upset just because Jake didn't want to do something I did.

He hooked his fingers under my chin and made me look at him. "Baby, I'm just concerned about you in the sun. That's all. If you really want to do this, let's go do it. Please just promise me it won't last too long. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

He kissed me, and all the tightness in my chest and stomach disappeared. I smiled and put my hand on his cheek. "We won't be outside at all. I was talking about a picnic in the living room."

The corners of his lips rose slowly, and he laughed a little. "Oh. Yeah, we can do that, babe."

I hugged him tightly. "Thank you."

"Are we going to do this naked?" he asked. His hand slid down my side to my hip.

I thought about it for a moment. While there wasn't a reason that we really needed to get dressed, it seemed strange thinking about eating without any clothes on. "I don't think so." I shook my head and looked up at him.

"Damn. You should get some clothes on before I decide I need to fuck you again."

I couldn't get rid of my smile. I kissed him and wormed out of his embrace, then went down the hall. All of Jake's clothes were still in the living room, and he was dressed when I came back out. I went to the kitchen and got everything out that we'd need. Jake came up behind me and kissed my head.

"What can I do to help?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe get the living room ready?"

"Sure." He patted my backside before he left the room. I smiled to myself and figured I'd get him back later.

By the time Jake had moved the coffee table into the dining room and set up the living room with a blanket and about five pillows, I had everything situated on a big plate. I'd cut up a few pears to go with the sandwiches and got some drinks. We sat cross-legged on the floor with our backs against the wall opposite the couch. It felt strange to think I was actually doing this again, but at the same time it felt so right to share it with Jake.

"So you used to do this with your dad?" Jake asked. He looked at me as though searching for something, and I figured he was probably trying to judge how much the question hurt me.

It did hurt. The weight in my chest was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. "Yeah. We usually had peanut butter and jelly. I got so upset one day because I couldn't go out and do things like other people, and this was his way of showing me it was still possible."

Jake put his arm around me and laid his head on top of mine. "Sounds like he was a pretty smart guy, Ness."

I smiled, even though my chest hurt worse. "He was." I looked up at him, and he kissed my lips.

"So is there anything about you I don't know yet?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. "I didn't learn to tie my shoes until I was eight years old."

"Really? I was four. My mom wanted to teach me everything before she died."

"Oh. What else did she teach you?"

He shrugged and picked up a slice of pear. "She didn't have a lot of time to do much. She mostly set the foundation, and Dad had to work with what she left. When I was six, she started heavy on treating women right."

I smiled. "I think she did a good job."

"Yeah? I've had my moments."

"Are you saying you haven't always treated your girlfriends the way you treat me?" I found that hard to believe. He was always so sweet.

He laughed. "No. You're special." He kissed my lips, and my heart warmed. He took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall before he spoke again. "I can't say that I've really mistreated any of my girlfriends. When I was actually dating a woman, I tried to be a good boyfriend. There were some, uh . . ." he hesitated for a second and looked down at the plate by his knees. "Well, there was Leah."

I raised my eyebrow. "Leah?"

"Yeah. She was all for it, don't get me wrong, but she wasn't much more than a fuck buddy for a while. My mom would have killed me."

I had thought I knew everything about their relationship. It should have been obvious that I didn't, though, because I knew next to nothing about any of his previous girlfriends. Instead of getting upset, I found I was only curious. "Did you have any other . . . fuck buddies?"

He looked at me strangely for a second. "Kind of. Not really. Nancy was the last girl I was with before my dad died. She wanted a more serious relationship than I did, though. She kept asking for shit she knew she wasn't going to get."

"What do you mean?"

He cleared his throat and shifted a little before casting a nervous glance at me. "She wanted kids."

"How long were you together?" I couldn't imagine things going well if she tried to convince him of that. Obviously their relationship didn't last.

"About two months. The first time she came at me with a baby magazine, I thought she was trying to tell me she was pregnant." He shuddered.

"Is that why you broke up with her? Because she wanted children?"

He shook his head. "No. I would have, though, if she hadn't broken it off first because I lost my temper."

I just nodded. I knew it was difficult for him to talk about the way people reacted to him getting angry. It upset me that this unknown girl gave up on him so quickly just because he was mad. Instead of commenting, though, I just leaned over and kissed his shoulder. He smiled down at me, but it was obviously forced.

"What's your favorite flower?" he asked. He was still tense, so although I was curious about his past, I let him change the subject. I figured we could have that conversation another time.

"I have a lot of favorites. I think maybe lilies, though. Especially the big ones that have light petals and dark insides."

"Do you want lilies in your garden?"

Jake and I had talked on and off about the garden I wanted to someday grow. Dr. Furst had even said some plants or something like that could help me heal. "Yes. Lilies and roses and pansies. Geraniums would be pretty, too. And maybe a bleeding heart. Snap Dragons are nice. Oh, and I love those little bell ones."

He chuckled. "I have no idea what most of those are. Snap Dragons sound cool, though."

"They are cool. They're kind of shaped like a mouth, and if you squeeze the side of them it opens." I pinched my fingers together to demonstrate.

Jake nodded. "Okay. So will all of them grow around here?"

I shrugged. "With enough water, shade, and sunlight, I don't see why they wouldn't."

"Do you think you could limit your time outside to a half an hour every day and still take care of them?"

I raised my eyebrow. "Yeah, probably. It's better to water them at night anyway, because the heat during the day would evaporate the water too quickly. Why?"

"I told you that someday I would find a way to let you do one of those things you wanted to do. Dr. Furst says it could help, and if you really want to do it, we'll do it."

A part of me just couldn't believe he was planning to give me something like that. I figured maybe some potted plants or something, but a real garden sounded so much better. "I want to, but . . . how?"

"I have a back yard. You get it ready, I'll get you the weeds."

I nearly knocked over my drink as I leaned over and hugged him tightly. "Really?"

He squeezed his arm around me. "Really."

"Oh, Jake! Thank you."

"You're welcome, babe. When you have a chance over the next few days, figure out what you need and we'll get it Saturday, okay?"

I almost wanted to cry. "Okay."

The tension from a few moments ago had dissipated, and we spent the time talking about anything trivial. It was nine o'clock when we cleaned everything up and got ready to leave. I was already nervous when we walked out the door.

"Are you ready?" Jake asked as he opened the car door for me.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes."

He kissed my lips and let me get in. The drive was mostly silent. The radio was on some rock station, playing quietly a song that was made to be listened to with a lot more volume. I didn't bother to turn it up, and neither did Jake. We pulled into the cemetery, and I shivered as I watched the headstones pass. I looked over at Jake, and he smiled at me. He must have done some research, because he knew exactly where to go. I didn't even know which plot was my dad's, but I recognized my mom's stone when we pulled up to it. I looked at it in the glow from the car's headlights, and the familiar crushing weight began to push down on my chest. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My dad was likely right next to her.

Jake reached over and touched my arm. "How are you?"

I sniffled and nodded. "I'm . . . I'm scared." I couldn't deny it. I looked at him again. He took my hand and squeezed my fingers gently.

"I'm right here, Ness."

I held his fingers tightly, somehow so much more aware of what was happening than I had been before. I thought I was ready. I wanted to know where my dad was and see his stone and be able to . . . God, I wanted to be able to say goodbye. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to say so many things, but I was realizing now that I would just be talking to a piece of rock. Something carved to represent the space where my dad's decaying body rested. My stomach twisted, and I leaned forward to put my forehead on the dashboard.

"Ness?" Jake rubbed my back and leaned forward to kiss my head.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I managed to whimper.

He shook his head and pulled me as close to him as I could get in the car. "Don't be sorry, baby. Do you need to leave?"

A small part of me wanted to leave. I wanted to run away and deal with this another time. It wouldn't get any easier if I waited, and I would still wonder. The bigger part of me wanted to get this over with. Get out of the car and let Jake comfort me as I did what I knew I needed to do. He would be there to pick up my pieces. I finally shook my head and leaned back a little.

"No. I just need to convince myself to get out of the car."

He touched my cheek and nodded. "Okay. Just don't push it."

I smiled and held his fingers. "I won't."

As I sat staring at my mom's headstone and wondering what my dad's looked like, I remembered some of the conversations Jake and I had had over the last few weeks. He had once said that he still talked to his dad when he visited his grave. Curious, I leaned over and put my head on Jake's shoulder.

"How do you talk to your dad?" I asked.

He kissed my head and hesitated on his answer. "It's hard to explain. I guess you could say that I just talk to his grave. But that's not what it feels like. I guess it just feels like he can hear me. Same with my mom."

My heart hurt as I thought about what he'd said. "Do you think my dad will be able to hear me?"

He made me look at him and kissed my lips. "Yes, I do."

I took a moment to breathe. I had to remember that this wasn't the only time I'd ever be able to come here. I put my face in Jake's neck and inhaled his scent. It helped me calm down a little and think about things a little more rationally. I was happy to know that Jake believed I would have some sort of connection with my dad. Somehow the thought of coming here to a cold, lifeless stone was unbearable without it. I kissed Jake's neck and pulled back a little.

"I'm ready." Was I? I looked over the dark graves one more time and swallowed. I was.

Jake kissed me one more time. "Okay."

We both got out, and Jake left the lights on so we could see what we were doing. He had also brought a flashlight in case we needed it. I gripped his hand tightly as we made our way across the small patch of grass to the gravestones. My mom's came up to my thigh, but my dad's was just a flat slab on the ground.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling as I sank to my knees beside it. It was a plain white stone with his name and birth and death dates. Nothing more. I was surprised at the rush of anger that swept through me. My dad was more important to me, but he got the bare minimum to mark his grave. I wasn't sure if I was more angry at myself for not having the guts to pick something I knew he'd like, or at the people who obviously thought he wasn't worth an upright marker.

"That's not fair," I said out loud.

Jake sat beside me, and I felt his hand on my back. "What is it, Ness?"

I pointed at the offensive thing. "That. It's not even . . . How . . . God, Jake, what did I do?"

He made me look at him, framing my face with his hands. "Listen to me, Ness." His eyes and voice made me realized just how upset I'd gotten. Not just anger, but all of it. I was close to losing my precarious self-control when he helped me come back. "You have to think about the positives, okay? At least he has a place and a marker. There are some situations if the family doesn't participate, they won't even get that. It happens. It's sad and unfair, but it does. Remember that at least he has this, okay?"

I nodded, still staring into his eyes. "He deserves better."

"I know he does, baby."

It seemed strange how just knowing that Jake felt the same way calmed me down a little. I took another deep breath and turned back to the stone. Now that I was here, I wasn't sure what to say. It felt strange talking when no one was there to hear me. I looked at Jake, and he smiled at me. He turned and rested his back against my mom's headstone and crossed his legs. His fingers beckoned me to sit by him, so I did. I rested my head on his shoulder and stared at my dad's name.

"Daddy," I whispered. It sounded so loud to me. I was close enough to reach out and run my fingers over the rough lettering. "I love you." I was surprised by a rush of emotion that didn't pull me under. It hurt, but with it came a strange sense of peace. "I really love you. I'm sorry."

My vision was blurred with tears and my fingers shook as I traced each letter of my dad's name. Jake's arm held me around my waist lightly but with enough pressure to keep me by his side. I lost count of how many times I apologized and confessed that I never wanted to hurt anyone. Jake was silent, but I felt the comfort in his hands. I couldn't say how long it was before I finally leaned back and cried on his shoulder. He held me so tightly that it was difficult to breathe, but it felt so good. It wasn't a normal breakdown. The tears flowed easier and didn't hurt as bad, and I was more aware of what was going on. The tears soon dissipated, and we sat there in silence.

Jake kissed my head a while later, and I thought he was going to say it was time to leave. I didn't want to go yet. I looked up at him with wide eyes, and he just smiled his soft, loving smile. "Are you going to introduce me?"

For a moment, I was confused. Then I smiled and shifted to be a little closer. "Um . . . Jake, this is my dad." I felt so awkward. "And Dad . . . this is Jacob. He's um . . ." I looked up at Jake, and he just nodded. "He's my boyfriend."

"It's nice to finally meet you, Mr. Masen," Jake said, as though he really was meeting my dad. I wondered if he felt as strange as I did. He did this with his parents, though; he had practice. "I hope you don't mind me dating your daughter."

I smirked and cast a glance up at him. I felt like I should say something about why my dad shouldn't mind. "I'm living with him," I blurted. "And I love him."

He leaned down and kissed my nose. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, Ness. I know you're uncomfortable. It might take some time."

I sighed in relief and snuggled closer to his side. "Thank you."

We sat there silently for a while as I stared down at my dad's headstone. There were memories, some pretty painful, but it wasn't anything like the hospital. I wasn't overcome by emotions so deep they ripped me in half. It actually felt nice to sit there next to Jake and think. The tears that slipped down my cheeks were quiet and didn't choke me. I couldn't say how long it was before I started yawning. Jake kissed my head.

"Tired?"

I turned into him and nuzzled my face against his shoulder. "I don't want to leave."

He nodded. "I know, baby. It's getting close to midnight, though; we will need to leave soon. Remember that we can come back, okay?"

A part of me felt bad that he would have to be up in five hours to get ready for work. I didn't regret one moment of this trip, though. I just nodded and leaned down to trace my dad's name again. "I know."

We got up and left a few minutes later. I was lying next to Jake in bed, my arm around his chest and my leg entwined with his, when it all really hit me. A wave of agony crashed over me, and I cried the type of tears I had expected earlier. My throat hurt with the force of the sobs, and I couldn't breathe. I heard him talking to me, trying to comfort me and reassure me that he was there. It hurt worse. I clung to him, though, and he pulled me on top of him.

Somehow the pain began to ease, and it started getting easier to breathe. I stayed where I was. Jake's arms didn't loosen their grip on me. I kept my face buried in his neck, kissing his skin every now and then. As I laid there, my legs winding with his and my arms around his neck, a strange lethargy began to drift over me. I was so tired. I didn't fight it. I closed my eyes and eventually calmed down enough to fall asleep.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! The story is winding down now; only about six chapters left. Still a few more things Jake and Ness need to do and some loose ends to tie up.

I'm on Twitter – SheeWolf85.


	45. For Love's Sake

A/N: Hi! Thank you everyone for your reviews and kind words. Much love.

As a reminder, I don't speak German. Please excuse any errors. Or blame Babylon . com.

This is another one of those chapters where I expect mixed feelings. Based on past chapters, you will all probably surprise me. Just remember there is a reason for everything.

Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Forty-Four

For Love's Sake

_As evidence I offer up my heart  
Begging you to use every last part.  
Baby, I'll stand shielding you  
Any hurt quick to pursue  
Each blade's embrace  
All for love's sake._

-For Love's Sake – Dwight Yoakam

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I didn't fall asleep that night. I tried to adjust myself and get more comfortable after Ness fell asleep literally on top of me, but I didn't want to disturb her too much. I finally found a tolerable position and tried to relax enough to sleep. It was impossible. Ness kept stirring, a cringe or a flinch, and I couldn't ignore it. I was afraid she'd have a nightmare after everything she went through.

I was so fucking proud of her, though. She was so amazing at her dad's grave. She cried, of course. I never expected her to get through the experience without tears. But she held herself together amazingly well. It wasn't until we got home that she broke down. I wasn't sure if she had been holding things back, or if everything just finally caught up to her. I really hoped she rested well, but I wasn't counting on it.

She whimpered somewhere around three o'clock, and her arms tightened around my neck. I rubbed her back and kissed her head, hoping it was just temporary. She whimpered again, though, and her fists balled up. I shook her shoulders, but it just seemed to make it worse. She sucked in a deep breath and pushed her face so hard into my shoulder I was really afraid she'd hurt herself.

"Ness, baby." I rolled to my side and pushed her back a little. She cried out, a cross between another whimper and a cry of agony. "Baby." I wished so badly I could wake her up. I had to remember what Dr. Furst said, though. As much as I wanted to hold her and shake her until she fought her way out of whatever was haunting her, I didn't want to make it worse for her. Instead, I closed my eyes tightly and waited for her to start screaming.

"No," Nessie whined. "Please."

Her words cut through me. What I wouldn't give to be in her dream where I could force those hurtful things to leave her the fuck alone. I realized after a few more minutes that she wasn't dreaming of the woman that hurt her. She was crying, even in her sleep, and quietly begging for forgiveness. It hurt me to hear it. I just wanted to comfort her.

She finally woke up with a gasp. She raised her head and looked at me for a second before scooting over and thrusting her face into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

"I've got you, baby," I said softly. "I'm here."

She didn't answer. I didn't expect her to. She just cried and shook, and I tried my best to keep myself together for her. I closed my eyes tightly and kissed her head as I pet her hair. It took a while for her to calm down enough to take a deep breath. When she did, she pulled back and looked up at me with huge, sad eyes. She looked so lost.

"I'm here, Ness," I said.

She sniffled and nodded. "I know." She took another shaky breath and wiped her face. "I'm sorry."

I made her look at me and kissed her lips. "Don't. Please, Ness." I hated it when she apologized for shit like this. Like she didn't have a right to cry. "What was it this time?" I had a feeling I knew.

She shivered and pushed herself closer to me. I pulled the blanket up around her shoulders and held her tighter. "The hospital. The same as ever . . . and his eyes." Her voice broke and her eyes closed.

I was right. I gave her a few minutes to calm down. She kissed my neck and nuzzled her face against me. I pushed her back just enough to see her. She gave me a tiny smile and kissed my lips. "I love you, Ness," I said as I wiped my thumb under her left eye.

"I love you, too. Thank you. I mean for everything. Last night and . . . now."

"You know I'm here for you. Can we talk about the dream?"

She shivered again but nodded. "Yeah."

I kissed her forehead. "Was there anything different about it at all?"

Her fingers played along my shoulders as she thought about her answer. "Dr. Nicks was older, like he was when we went to see Leah. And Dr. Peers wasn't there."

"Anything else?"

Her eyes watered again as she shook her head. "No. His face . . . it was the same. And his eyes . . ." She licked her lips. "I don't remember what they really looked like. I mean, when he was alive. I try, but he just . . . I remember him, of course. The things he did and said. But I don't remember his eyes. I just see how lifeless they were."

I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I kissed her head again and just held her for a few minutes. "How do you think it could have been changed?"

She shrugged against me weakly. "I don't know, Jake. If I had control of myself, I could have stayed out of the room. Left the hospital. I just don't know."

"Those are good options, though, baby. You wouldn't have had to see him."

Her hands clenched into fists against my chest. "I wanted to."

I leaned back a little. "You wanted to see him?"

She nodded and looked up at me with desperation in her eyes. "I want to see him again, Jake. I know that's terrible of me, but I do. I want to see what he looked like when he was alive. I want to see his smile."

"That's not terrible at all, Nessie. That's . . . I think that's good." I really hoped it was. "You've got those pictures. Do you want to look through those?"

She stared at her hands for a few seconds before she looked up at me. "I forgot about them."

"Is that something you'd like to do?" I really prayed I wasn't setting her up for something that would hurt her worse.

She hesitated again before she nodded slowly. "Yes. But later; maybe when you get home from work." Her eyes widened and she turned to look at the clock. "Jake, you need to be up in an hour. I'm sorry—"

I turned her back around and kissed her. "Please stop, baby. I don't think I'm going to work today."

Her brow furrowed. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "I haven't slept much, and you need me more than they do right now. We're running out of things to do at the site since we're so close to finishing it."

Ness smiled and kissed my jaw. "You never stop amazing me, you know. Just when I think you can't possibly find a way to do more for me, you do."

For once she didn't sound upset or undeserving. It made me happy to hear her just accepting what I wanted to do for her. "It's not all one-sided, Ness. Remember that, okay? You may not be skipping work or staying up all night or whatever, but you do more for me than you know." I was a better man thanks to her. She made me pull my shit together and really work for the relationship I had with her. The rewards I got for being patient and enduring the rough times made it all worth the struggle in the end.

She gave me an uncertain look and raised an eyebrow. "I still don't see how, but I'm trying to believe that."

I kissed her nose. "You're not arguing with me about it, so obviously it's getting easier."

She laughed a little. It was so good to hear. "Yeah, I guess."

"Are you tired, babe?"

She nodded. "I am. I made you sticky, though; are you uncomfortable?" She touched my chest again where she'd cried on me both when we went to bed and when she woke up.

It wasn't that bad. "No, not really. I need to get up for a minute, though, and call in. I'll be right back." I kissed her lips and got up. After I'd left a message, I got back in bed and pulled Ness up close to me. She squirmed around until she was all but on my side with her head on my shoulder.

She leaned up and kissed my cheek. "Good night. Or morning. Whatever."

I smiled. "Love you."

She mumbled it back and fell asleep within a few minutes.

* * *

I did manage to get a few hours of sleep. When I woke up again at eight-fifteen, Nessie was still asleep. I was happy to see her face relaxed and peaceful. I traced her eyebrow and slipped my finger slowly down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. Her lips twitched which just made me smile. I couldn't help myself. I leaned down and kissed her softly. She didn't move. I tried again, pressing my lips to hers a little harder.

When she still didn't respond to me the way I wanted, I tried a different tactic. She had the blankets pulled up under her arm and tucked around her. It took some maneuvering, but I managed to pull it down and tossed it around her ankles. She shifted then, rolling onto her back as if she knew exactly what I wanted. I wondered briefly if she'd woken up and was just pretending to be asleep to see what I'd do. I kissed her cheek.

"Ness?" I kept my voice low. She sucked in a deep breath and mumbled something I couldn't make out, then she squirmed and lifted one arm up around her head. She wasn't the world's worst actress, but she couldn't pull that off. She was asleep. I kissed her cheek again and rubbed her arm lightly. "I love you, baby."

I kissed her lips again and touched her skin lightly with my fingertips as I made my way to her tit. I squeezed it gently and dipped my head to nibble a path down her neck. Her nipples tightened under my hand. I pinched them and reached down to lift her shirt up. She squirmed again but didn't wake up as I pushed the fabric high enough to expose her tits to me. She was so fucking perfect. I took one nipple in my mouth and sucked on it gently while I rolled the other one between my fingers. She shifted and moaned softly. One of her hands landed on the back of my head, but it quickly fell off to the side. The thought of her getting aroused while she was still asleep really got to me. While I worked on her tits, I moved one hand between her thighs. She moaned again and half-bucked her hips weakly.

I wanted to see just how far I could go before she woke up. I kissed her stomach and moved down between her legs, then I carefully started to slip her pants down. Somehow, I managed to get them off of her without waking her up. I pushed her legs apart and reached out to touch her pussy. She was already wet. I looked up at her and pushed a finger inside her. Her face scrunched up and she grunted, obviously uncomfortable. I pulled back and leaned down to kiss her hip. Hopefully I could work her up to either wake up and beg me for it or get her body ready for that kind of touch. I spread her pussy lips and licked her gently. She sighed and whimpered, and I kept it up.

It wasn't long before she woke up. Her whimper cut off in a gasp, her legs tightened up, and one of her hands grabbed my hair tightly.

"Jake!" I couldn't tell if she was upset or eager for more, but I decided to play it safe.

I pulled back and looked up at her. "Hey, baby."

She tugged on my hair. "God, Jake, I thought it was just a dream. Please don't stop." Her hips rolled as she tried to push me down.

I chuckled and went back to what I was doing. Now that she was awake, it didn't take long to make her cum. Her back arched and her stomach clenched as she released. I kissed her thigh once before moving up beside her. She smiled at me with the look of complete satisfaction that I loved. "Good morning."

She giggled a little and turned to kiss me. "It most certainly is. Thank you."

I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "Anytime, babe." I thought about something and leaned back to look at her. "You just help yourself if you ever want to reciprocate."

She blushed and smiled widely. "Okay."

With that out of the way, I sat up with her long enough to take her shirt off, then I kissed her deeply and laid her on her back. "I want to fuck you now, babe."

She lifted her legs and wrapped them around my waist. She seemed to hesitate on something, and it made me nervous. Finally, she met my eyes with a shy smile. "How would I say 'then fuck me' in German?"

I chuckled. "Just say _fick mich_."

She said it, making damn sure she gave me her best seductress look as she did. Her accent left a lot to be desired, but who really gave a fuck? I understood her, and that was all that mattered. I reached down and pushed my sweats off without making her move her legs. She did have to let go long enough for me to grab a condom, though. As I got into position, I leaned down to whisper in her ear. "_Ich will fick dich bis sie gehen nicht_."

She shivered and held onto my shoulders. "You said something about fucking me."

I kissed her lips. "You've been paying attention. I said I'll fuck you until you can't walk." I pushed into her, and she tightened her legs around me as we set a rhythm.

"Say something else to me, Jake," she all but begged.

I wasn't sure I remembered all the right words, but I said it anyway. "_Die Fotze fühlte sich gut_, Nessie."

She didn't seem to care what I said. I didn't translate. I just held her tighter and worked with her to reach the end. I tried to hold out for her when she started to shake. I wasn't able to do it. I took the condom off and tossed it before taking her in my arms again.

"I love you, Jake," she said softly as she nuzzled against my chest.

I kissed her head. "I love you, too, baby. I'm sorry I didn't make you cum."

She leaned up and kissed my cheek. "You did. Remember, you always take care of me."

"Yeah, you're right. I really like it when you cum on my dick, though."

She blushed and laughed nervously. As she rested back on my chest, she muttered something that sounded like, "I do, too." After a moment, she looked back up at me. "What was that last thing you said in German?"

I smirked. "I said your pussy feels good."

She snorted. "Oh. Okay."

I rubbed her back, and she settled herself against me again. We were both quiet for a while. I thought about what she wanted to do that day. I kind of wanted to call Dr. Furst and get his opinion on the pictures, but at the same time it seemed like it shouldn't be much different from seeing her dad's grave. If we took it slowly and carefully, she should be fine. My arms tightened around her instinctively. I just needed to make sure I did everything in my power to protect her.

We stayed in bed for another hour or so until Nessie said she was hungry. We got up and ate some cereal, then she started to get tense.

"You all right, babe?" I asked.

She smiled at me as she set her bowl on the counter. It was obviously forced. "Yeah. I'm just nervous."

I touched her cheek and kissed her forehead. "We don't have to do this today."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "I know we don't. But I really think I want to. I just . . . I want to remember him." Her eyes watered, and she hesitated again before she pushed herself against me. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and just held on. "I want to see his smile." She sniffled and shook her head. "Just one more time, Jake."

"You can see him as often as you want with the pictures, Ness. Do you want to do it now?" A part of me said to wait; hold off and let her get more prepared. Another part wondered what the point was. Why let her stew in her anxiety until she builds it up to something more intense than it needs to be?

"Yeah, I think so. Give me five minutes?" She looked up at me, and my heart broke from the look of desperation in her eyes.

I bent to kiss her lips. "Take your time, baby."

She hugged me tightly before she walked away to the bathroom. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. For the millionth time, I prayed this was what she needed. While she was doing whatever she did to get herself ready for this, I pulled the boxes with the pictures out from under the bed. She came back out ten minutes later and gave me a fidgety smile, her eyes on the shoeboxes in my hands.

"Where would you like to do this?" I asked.

She kind of half-shrugged one shoulder and gestured to the bed. "In here, probably."

I nodded and sat down on the bed. She got on beside me and placed herself so close to me she was nearly in my lap. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her up to situate her between my legs. She looked back at me and kissed my jaw.

"Thank you."

"Anytime, baby. I just want to make this as easy on you as I can. Are you ready?" I had both my arms around her waist, and I kissed her shoulder.

She leaned her head back on my shoulder and licked her lips. "I think so."

She squirmed a little bit, pushing herself closer to me, then she picked up one of the boxes and placed it between her legs. She lightly traced a pattern on the lid as she stared at it for a moment before finally pulling it open. The pictures were all sideways, placed neatly together to fit as many as possible. Ness hesitated another few seconds before she picked up a small stack. I held her a little tighter and looked at them with her. The first few were of her mother, one in a house I didn't recognize, and one in her old house.

"This was my Grandpa Charlie's house," she said, pointing at the one I didn't know. She flipped through a few more of her mother until she came to one of an older-looking man with a dark moustache standing next to a tree. He was wearing a uniform and a badge. "And that's my Grandpa Charlie."

"He lived in Seattle, right?" I asked as she continued looking through them.

"Yeah." She stopped when she came to one of a little girl—obviously Nessie—being held up by her ankles by Charlie. Her smile was huge, and her hair hung down almost to the floor. Ness sniffled and laughed a little. "I was six years old here."

"Maybe you have baby pictures?" She'd seen mine; it only seemed fair that I see hers. Then again, she probably wouldn't be as weird about it as I was.

She turned her head to kiss me. "I'm sure there are. Just be patient."

I didn't have to be patient for very long. There was one of Nessie at around ten months old in the third stack she picked up. As much as I didn't like kids, there was no denying that she was cute. "Look at your dimples." I pointed to them.

"Thank God I grew out of them."

"Aw, they're sweet."

She just rolled her eyes playfully and continued with her exploration. There were more of her as a kid, some with her grandpa and others in her old house. We were halfway through the first box when she finally came to one of her dad. She stopped and stared at it for a long time. It was a candid photo of him on the couch at her grandpa's house. He held a coffee mug in his hand and looked in the corner to his left at a Christmas tree decorated with lights and candy canes. He wasn't smiling. He looked like he was deep in thought.

Nessie's hands started to shake, moving the picture with them. I kissed her head. "Are you okay?"

She sniffled and nodded. "Yes. This was the last Christmas we had with Grandpa Charlie. I took the picture, then ran up and jumped beside him. He'd been thinking about my mom, and he told me some of the things he and my mom used to do. I remember I didn't pay a lot of attention because I'd heard it all before." She took a few deep breaths before moving to the next in the pile. She started moving through them quicker as if she was searching for one in particular. They were mostly of her, her mother, or her grandfather. There were a few of a woman who looked in her late thirties with brown hair that Nessie told me was her grandmother Renee, the one she was half named after.

We were nearly through the first box when I noticed Nessie was getting careless with the pictures. When she first started, she had treated them as though they were made of the most fragile paper. As she picked up the last stack, she started flipping through them faster and nearly tore a few of them. She was breathing heavier and sniffling more often. I rubbed her arms down to her wrists and gently wrapped my hands around hers to stop her.

"Baby, you need to calm down."

She shook her head and pulled out of my grasp. "There has to be more than that, Jake. There has to be." Her voice was urgent, as though something important hinged on her finding more pictures of him. I knew that something did, in a way, but it hurt me to see her getting so upset about it. I took the rest of them out of her hands and made her look at me.

"There are two more boxes, Nessie. Please calm down. There will be more, I'm sure." If absolutely nothing else, there was the picture of him holding her mother that had been hanging on the wall in his bedroom. I really hoped there was more than that, though.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before she nodded. "You're right. I guess I got scared."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "That's okay, baby. Just don't let that fear get the best of you." I let her have the pictures back, and she went through them a little slower. There was one more of him, but it was another across the room shot where he was probably thinking about his wife. I got Nessie started on the second box quickly, hoping to keep her from panicking anymore.

This one was more successful right from the start. She didn't even make it to ten before she found a snapshot of him. He looked much younger than in the other two photos, but he was smiling and looking right at the camera. She stopped and looked at it for a while.

"This was the year he and my mom got married," she said. Her voice was thick and broke in several places. I leaned down and kissed her shoulder. I didn't know what to say to make it easier. She clutched the picture to her chest and turned to curl up as much as she could in my arms. I held her tightly and just let her cry.

It didn't take long for her to calm down. She wiped her face, kissed my cheek, and turned back to the box. All in all, it took us an hour and a half to go through the rest of the pictures, and she found about twenty of him that she wanted to keep out. I made her pick one of her mom and a baby picture to pull out, just because I could. I didn't have any frames for her, but she put the one of her mom out on the bookshelf in the living room and the baby one in the drawer in my dad's room with mine. I hoped that someday soon she could add one of her dad to the bookshelf. I wasn't going to push it, though.

"How are you?" I asked after we put the boxes back under the bed.

She sat on the edge of the bed and shrugged. "I'm not as happy as I think I should be."

I sat down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders to pull her closer. "Did you want more pictures of him?"

She leaned in and nuzzled her face against my arm. "I don't know. I wanted so much more than that, you know? I wanted to see him." She shook her head and sat up. "Obviously that was unrealistic of me." There was something off about her that I couldn't place. She stood up and ran her fingers through her hair as she took a few steps away. "I probably should have known that they wouldn't make this go away."

She was too calm. I understood what she was saying; she had wanted to actually see her dad alive and happy, not just a picture of it. She was disappointed by what we did find. I couldn't blame her, really. I also wanted to see my parents and couldn't. But that was the difference; I could remember my parents without having an emotional breakdown. She was getting better at it, but there were still a lot of things that made her cry. All that aside, though, this reaction was weird. I wanted to be happy that she wasn't crying or breaking down, but it felt all wrong. The saying "the calm before the storm" came to mind. I stood up and went after her.

"I know what you mean, baby." I touched her arm and leaned down to kiss her head. Before I could, she twisted around and stepped away from me.

"No you don't," she spat. The look on her face was bordering on disgust as she turned and walked out of the room.

I stood there confused for a second before I followed her. She was on the couch, her knees pulled up her chest. She was crying into her legs, her sobs shaking her whole body. I sat down next to her and lightly touched her hair. I didn't know what to say to make it okay. I tried to pull her onto my lap, but she sat up just long enough to push me away. "Come on, baby, what's the matter?"

She sniffled and shook her head, but otherwise didn't answer me. She just hugged her knees tighter and started to rock back and forth.

"Nessie, please talk to me. I understand that this is hard for you, but—"

She stood up so quickly it shocked me. "You don't understand shit, Jacob." Without another word, she left me alone again. A door slammed, and I could hear her crying in the other room.

I really hoped giving her a little bit of time to herself would make things easier. I hated to do it. It went against every instinct I had to protect her. She'd gone into our room, and instead of bothering her, I just stayed on the couch and tried to keep myself calm. I knew she was in pain and probably upset about what she didn't find in those boxes.

I gave her fifteen minutes before I tried to approach her again. Thankfully she hadn't locked the door, so I opened it slowly and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere at first, but I heard her sniffle somewhere. She had curled up on the other side of the bed and was laying on the floor. I sighed and sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry I upset you, Ness." It was always a good idea to start off with an apology, right?

She looked over at me, and it was obvious that she was still mad. "Can't I be alone?"

I crossed my legs. "Not right now, no." A few minutes was one thing; I wasn't leaving her alone for hours. More than anyone else, I knew how much danger a person could be in if left alone in that frame of mind. I'd done a lot of damage to a lot of different things, myself included, when I was mad. I couldn't take the chance that she would turn on herself.

She struggled to sit up and pushed my hand away when I tried to help her. This was all so unlike her that I really wasn't sure what to do. All I knew was that I had to somehow help her work through it.

"Why not?"

"Because you're not yourself right now, Ness. I understand why; I really do. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you hurt yourself."

Her jaw clenched a few times as she stared at the carpet by her knees. She looked really pissed. Over the months I'd known Nessie, there had been so few situations when I couldn't help her. Even if it was to just hold her and let her cry. This time, it seemed whatever I did just made it worse. She finally looked up at me. She had fresh tears in her eyes, but there was something there I hadn't noticed before. I couldn't place what it was before she started yelling.

"You understand? You don't understand anything, Jacob!" She started to get up, but I grabbed her arm. She wasn't running away from me again.

"Stop, Nessie. Come back here and calm down."

She pulled away from me with a sharp tug and nearly fell down. She stopped herself and stood up. I was up with her and caught her again as she started to walk away. The more she struggled with me, the more upset I got. Why the fuck couldn't she just let me help her?

"Let me go!" she cried.

"Not until you calm down, Ness."

"Why?" she all but screamed. "So you can tell me everything is going to be fine? Nothing is fine. I just want to see my dad!"

"I know you do." Despite her hands trying to push me away, I pulled her even closer to me. "Believe me, baby, I know you do."

"You don't know." She smacked my chest. "You don't understand. You think you do. Why? Just because your dad died, too? Do you dream of the night he died and beg for a chance to be forgiven? I would give up everything—_everything_, Jake!—to have a chance to tell him I'm sorry."

"Everything?" I knew I shouldn't take anything she said in this mood to heart, but I couldn't help but feel a little wounded. "Even me?" I let go of her and took a step back.

She wiped her face and nodded. "Yes. Even you."

It felt like a kick in the gut. I took a deep breath and really tried to stay calm. Nothing seemed to help, though. "Then I hope you get your chance."

She didn't say anything else. She turned and walked out, going straight to my dad's room. She didn't slam the door, but I did hear the lock click into place. I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at my hands on my knees for a while. It didn't matter that I knew people said shit they didn't mean when they were upset. I knew it probably more than any other bastard out there. But Nessie had never gotten mad at me like that. The logical side of me knew that she was dealing with things I couldn't even comprehend, but the other side of me didn't care about that. She'd give up our whole relationship if she could.

Nessie didn't come out of the bedroom until almost ten o'clock that night. I had checked on her a few times, as much as I could without breaking down the door. I could hear her doing something or another, so I knew she was at least still moving. I left her alone and hoped she'd come to me when she was ready.

I was starting to get tired, but I pushed thoughts of sleep away when I heard the door open slowly. I was on the couch, and I wanted to run down the hall and beg her to talk to me. Instead, I kept myself in my seat and waited to see what she'd do. I could see the door to our bedroom from where I was. She looked inside for a moment before she turned around. She stopped when she saw me. It wasn't hard to tell that she was nervous; her whole body seemed tense. She took a deep breath and made her way to the living room.

"Jake?" she asked. Her voice was tiny.

"Yeah?"

She licked her lips and started to pick at her fingertips. "I, um . . . Can I come sit with you?"

I gestured to the spot next to me. She came and took it, then ran her fingers through her hair. I hadn't really been doing anything, but I started to flip through the pages of a random magazine on the coffee table. If she wanted to talk, I'd let her, but I wasn't risking anymore tonight. As much as I tried to pretend I wasn't paying attention to her, I could feel her presence beside me. It bugged me that I couldn't just ask if she was okay now, but I wanted her to make that move.

Nothing was said. She just sat there. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye a few times, and each time she was staring at her fingers. Finally, at eleven o'clock, I'd had enough. I sighed and looked at my watch.

"Well, I'm going to bed." I stood up and dropped the magazine back onto the coffee table. "You staying up for a while?"

She looked up at me with the most heartbreaking look in her eyes. I wanted to have the strength to tell her everything was fine, but goddammit, I needed to hear it from her. "I . . . I don't know."

My stomach twisted, but I just nodded. "'Night." I didn't let myself look back. I laid in bed for a while and wondered what would happen next. Either she'd come to bed with me or she wouldn't. I wasn't going to make her do anything.

It was getting close to midnight when Ness finally came in the room. She was moving slower than usual as she got changed. When she came to bed, she didn't get under the covers like usual. She laid down stiffly on the very edge of the bed as though she was afraid of getting any closer to me. She sniffled a few times, and it wasn't long before she started to shiver. I sighed and reached over to rub her arm gently.

"You could get under the blanket, Ness," I said, hoping to keep my voice gentle.

She jumped a little, then nodded and got up. I lifted the blanket for her, but she hesitated before she got in. Even when she did, she moved slowly and stayed as close to the edge as possible. I didn't really understand it, but I knew it had something, if not everything, to do with our fight earlier. The one thing that was absolutely clear, though, was that she didn't really want to be near me.

I sighed again and sat up. She turned and looked at me curiously. "I'll be on the couch if you need me."

The look of pained shock on her face felt like another kick in the gut. Just as I was about to stand up, she reached out and lightly touched my arm. "Jake?" I just hummed. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. For everything."

I closed my eyes. "Me, too."

"Would you . . ." She drew her hand back and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Would you stay?"

I gave in easily and laid back down. I had expected her to get closer and let me hold her, but she still balanced herself on the edge and turned away from me. I wasn't sure what the hell to think of that. It was hell laying there next to her, not able to touch her.

"Was there a reason you asked me to stay in here, Ness?" She couldn't be comfortable like that.

She turned enough to look over at me. "I just want to be near you. I promise I won't bug you."

I shook my head. "You're not bugging me. Come here." I held my arm out for her. She was slow again as she scooted over and snuggled up to my side. "Isn't that better?"

She nodded. "Much."

I held her tightly and couldn't stop myself as I leaned in and kissed the top of her head. "I love you, Ness."

Her breath hitched, and she squirmed closer. "I love you, too."

"Are you okay?" As much as I wanted her to start this conversation, I couldn't go to sleep without knowing that she was all right.

She pulled back enough to look up at me. I turned on my side and touched her cheek as she hesitated on her answer. "I think so. I'm so sorry. I honestly don't know what came over me earlier. I know I hurt you, Jake. I never wanted to." She kissed my neck. "I swear I never meant to hurt you. I wouldn't trade you. I wouldn't give you up. I love you so much."

"I know, baby." I think I had known it all along, but it felt good to hear her say it.

"I was just so mad. At myself. I think I knew what I was hoping for, but I didn't really understand it until we went through the boxes. I knew he wasn't going to be there. I knew he wouldn't walk through the door and hug me, but I wanted it so much." her voice broke, and she shook her head. "I'm sorry I took it out on you."

I made her look up at me and kissed her forehead. "I know, Ness. I really do. How many times have I taken my anger out on you?"

She sniffled. "It's not the same."

"Maybe not, but it's close enough. I know you didn't mean what you said, baby."

She pushed herself up and kissed my lips. "Can you forgive me?"

I smiled and ran my fingers through her hair. "Of course, babe. I love you."

She hugged me tightly. "I love you, too."

I rolled to my back. "Are you tired?"

She shook her head. "No, not really. I fell asleep in the other room. Are you?"

"Yeah, kind of."

She kissed me again and laid her head on my shoulder. "Go to sleep, then. I'll stay right here with you."

I didn't argue with her.

* * *

A/N: Thoughts? Thanks for reading and your incredible patience!

I have started a website with writing prompts for Twilight fanfiction writers. Check it out if you're interested. Writersblockprompts . weebly . com. The link is also on my profile.


	46. After the Storm

A/N: Yay for another chapter! Not a whole lot to say. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Five

After the Storm

_And night has always pushed up day  
__You must know life to see decay  
__And I won't rot  
__I won't rot  
__And on this mind and on this heart  
__I won't rot_

-After the Storm – Mumford and Sons

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

Jacob's heartbeat and steady breaths were relaxing and reassuring, but they still didn't soothe the thoughts running through my head. As I laid on his chest and traced mindless patterns on his skin from his shoulder to his stomach, I kept thinking about what had happened earlier that day. He was asleep, snoring softly, and it just brought more tears to my eyes.

I couldn't remember ever being as angry as I had been earlier. The thing that ate at me, though, was that I hadn't been mad at Jake. I was disappointed in myself for actually letting myself believe that looking at pictures would bring my dad back and give me the chance to set things right. I wasn't even sure how I had tricked myself to thinking it; of course I knew that wasn't possible. After we'd looked through everything and he was still gone, it finally hit me.

Anger consumed me, and I yelled and screamed and said things I didn't mean. I had gone into the guest room to be alone and hopefully get myself together again. As I calmed down, I realized everything I had said to Jake and how badly I'd hurt him. I remembered the look on his face just before I walked away. I felt so terrible for everything that I cried until I'd exhausted myself and fell asleep on the floor.

When I woke up, the clock in the room said it was almost ten. I couldn't believe I'd slept most of the day away instead of trying to make things right with Jake. My stomach was in knots when I went out to find him. He sat on the couch. I knew I deserved him to tell me to leave him alone, and I kind of expected it. He didn't, which was nice, but he didn't say anything either. After a while, I began to wonder if he even remembered I was there. I was so scared to talk. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but my mouth wouldn't cooperate.

He seemed to remember me a while later. A part of me couldn't believe he was going to go to bed without resolving this between us. Then again, I'd done the same thing. He walked away, and I curled up on the couch. The seat was still warm where he'd been sitting. I tried really hard to convince myself to stay where I was. This was as close to his warmth as I deserved to get.

I must have been too used to sleeping in his arms, though, because I got cold really fast. I missed him so much, even though he was only in the other room. It didn't seem very long before I couldn't take it anymore. As I got up, I told myself I wasn't going to bother him. I'd lay next to him, but I wasn't going to get greedy.

Jake drew in a deep breath and lifted the arm that had fallen behind me. He squeezed my shoulders tightly and sighed before he settled down again. I smiled and kissed his chest. He had forgiven me like I probably should have known he would. He knew what it was like to be so angry that nothing else seemed to matter. No matter how many times I told myself that we were okay, though, I couldn't forget what I'd said to him. I hoped the words didn't haunt him the way they did me.

I leaned up and kissed his jaw, then settled down on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Although I wasn't really tired, I felt so safe and secure next to him. It was where I belonged. I lifted my leg over his and sighed contentedly. I listened to his breaths and let my mind wander to all the good times I'd had with Jake.

I hovered between sleep and consciousness for a while, losing track of what was real and what was a dream. It didn't seem like long before the alarm went off. Jake stretched and hit the snooze button, then he turned on his side and hugged me tightly.

"Good morning, Nessie," he said just before he kissed me softly.

I reached up to touch his face. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

He nodded and yawned. "Yeah, I guess. Did you sleep?"

I shrugged. "Kind of, yeah."

"That's good."

We got up and went to the kitchen to eat something and take our medications. After I set the glass on the counter, he put his arms on either side of me and backed me up against the counter. I smiled to myself and looked up at him, my hands on his chest.

"I love you, Ness." He pushed my hair behind my shoulder then leaned down to kiss me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back deeply. I had really missed being able to kiss him like this after we settled our fight the night before. All too soon, though, he had to step back and get ready for work. I went with him and sat on the bed to watch him change. He smirked at me when he pulled his shirt on. I sat next to him on the couch as he put his boots on and watched his fingers move to tie the laces.

"You okay, babe?" he asked.

I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah."

He touched my cheek. "You sure? You've been really quiet this morning."

I shrugged. "I guess I don't really have anything to say. It's more fun watching you."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss me. "Okay."

He got up and finished getting ready. I got a few more kisses before he left. After the door shut, I pressed my back against it and took a deep breath. There was something building in my chest that I could honestly say I'd never felt before. It was a strange mixture of emotions that seemed impossible to figure out. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling as I let it out slowly. A part of me felt lighter, like something had been relieved, but at the same time, everything was so confusing.

I went back to the bedroom and turned on the computer. I kind of wanted to call Leah and talk to her, but she probably wasn't even awake yet. I wasn't sure she'd understand anyway. What I really wanted, deep down, was to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling. Knew it from experience. I went back and forth, convincing and re-convincing myself that the PTSD forum I'd signed up with was there for this exact purpose. People there were suffering from some of the same things I was; they would understand. I found the site and went straight to making a new post so I couldn't talk myself out of it.

After I'd said as much as I dared about the pictures, my disappointment and anger, and the subsequent confusion, I felt surprisingly better. I wasn't sure if anyone would actually read what I'd posted, but it was nice to know there was a possibility that someone might be able to tell me what was going on. I went to my email and stared at the inbox for a while, hoping to have a reply. After a half an hour, I sighed dejectedly and forced myself to do something different.

Tears welled in my eyes as I gathered up all the laundry. Dr. Furst had been wrong. The forum was a joke; I was a freak even among people who were supposed to be like me. I all but slammed the lid of the washer down and started it. I wasn't sure what to do now. I didn't want to let this strange new anger fester until Jake got home. I went through the safety plan a few times. It helped, but only a little bit. I was still upset.

I went back to the bedroom around ten o'clock. I decided I'd lay down for a bit, then figure out something to do. I hadn't turned the computer off, so I sat down to do that and noticed I had a new message. I was a mixture of excited and scared when I realized I'd gotten a reply to my post. I licked my lips and opened it.

_EvilAngel1989_

_Subject: Re: So Confused?_

_Message: Hi, Nessie. I remember going through pictures of my sister after she was murdered. Her death itself was traumatic, but those pictures were worse. It was like seeing her again, but so different. I know what you mean when you say you hoped your dad would be there. It's been about five years since my sister's death, and I still find myself hoping on occasion that she'll come home and eat dinner with me._

_Getting angry about it is normal, especially if you're just starting to process your grief. It took me a little over a year to get to that point, but working through all those emotions was literally hell. I'd find myself getting angry for no apparent reason, and my boyfriend or my uncle would be the one to get the brunt of it. Whoever was closest. It's all a part of the grieving process, and it's going to happen one way or another. _

_My advice? Get something you can take your anger out on without hurting anyone. If you've got any wood laying around that you're not using, hammer nails into it. Tackle a rough patch of dirt with as small a rake as you can get. Whatever you do, don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to hurt someone. Either yourself or your boyfriend._

_Hang in there, sweetie. It will get better._

_Love, Angel._

I wiped my face and took a deep breath. So this was what it felt like to talk to someone who really did understand? It was . . . liberating. This unknown person that knew me only as a faceless girl trying to deal with her father's death had managed to pull me out and give me the answers no one else could. What she said made sense, and I couldn't wait to talk to Jacob about it when he got home. He'd help me figure something out, I was sure. In the meantime, I sent a message back with my thanks and got ready to go outside.

Angel's talk about tackling a rough patch of dirt reminded me that I had wanted to look around the back yard and see what all would need to be done to get it ready for a garden. I put on a light jacket, slipped into my tennis shoes, and went out the back door.

Jake had an automatic sprinkler system, so thankfully the grass wasn't dead. It needed to be mowed, though. The yard wasn't really huge, but it was definitely big enough to do what I wanted. Toward the side of the house, I noticed a flower bed that had been overgrown. It didn't look like there were any flowers left; it was all weeds. I got down on my knees and began pulling them up.

I thought about Angel's comments as I tugged on the stubborn roots. Finding something to take my anger out on might be easier than I had thought.

I had pulled almost half the weeds before I noticed my hands and face were burning. "Shit." I abandoned the garden and went back inside quickly to wash my hands and put some lotion on. I'd overdone it, that was for sure. I hoped whatever redness or rash that developed was gone before Jake got home. It was probably too much to hope for, though.

I made some lunch and turned the laundry over, then I got back on the computer to browse through the PTSD forum and see if I could find more information about Angel.

By the time Jake got home at four-thirty, I had red blotches covering my hands and a few on my face. I'd spent the majority of the rest of the day at the computer or finishing the laundry. My hands hurt both from the sun and the cuts I'd gotten from the tough weeds. I hadn't figured anything out for dinner mostly because folding clothes had hurt too badly and I didn't want to do anything else with my hands.

I met Jake in the living room. "Welcome home."

He smiled and kissed me. "Thanks, babe. What happened?" Of course he noticed my skin.

I licked my lips. "I, um . . . I was outside a little longer than I should have been today." I kept my hands behind my back. That didn't escape his attention, either.

He gave me a strange look as he sat down to take his boots off. "Why were you outside?"

"I was checking out the back yard. I pulled some weeds, too. I got caught up in that and lost track of time."

He nodded, set his shoes to the side, and came up to me again. "All right. Maybe we should get a timer or something so that doesn't happen again. Why are you hiding your hands?" He rubbed my arms gently, and it seemed he wasn't going to make me show him. At least not yet.

I didn't want him to think he had to, either. I swallowed and carefully put my hands between us, palms up. Jake took them gently and winced. The cuts weren't big or even that deep, but there were a lot of them.

"Is this from the weeds?" He glanced at me before he lifted my hands and gently kissed the palms.

I nodded. "Yeah. I didn't realize it was happening until I came back inside. The sun got the back of them."

"You need some gloves, too. We'll go tomorrow after work and get what you need, okay?"

"That sounds great. Thank you."

He leaned down and kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"How was your day other than this?" he asked as we walked back to the bedroom.

I shrugged. "It was pretty good. I kind of got upset this morning, and I went on the PTSD forum."

"That's good, babe. Why were you upset?"

"I don't know. But I kind of made a friend, and she told me that it's normal with PTSD." I sat at the computer and showed him the messages I'd gotten from Angel.

He laughed and pointed at her screen name. "Evil Angel, huh?"

I smiled. "Yeah. She's a year older than me and lives somewhere on the east coast. Her sister was murdered in front of her five years ago."

He cringed. "That's awful."

I nodded and told him about the things Angel and I had talked about. I told him how I had felt outside pulling on the weeds and how it had seemed to help quite a bit.

"There's a lot out there you could do, Ness, but I'm worried about your skin." He lightly touched my hand.

I sighed. "I know. I don't know how to work around that."

"We'll figure something out."

I stood up next to him and lifted my hands to his shoulders. "I know we will. How was your day?"

He kissed me and pulled me close to him as he stepped backward toward the bed. "It wasn't the best day I've ever had, but it wasn't the worst, either. We have less than two weeks left, and the fucking foreman quit." He laid down, and I went with him. "The boss asked if I'd take his spot until we're done."

He was on his back, and I leaned up on my elbow to see him better. "Is that a good thing?"

He squinted. "I told him I'd do what I could, but I'm not changing my hours. So I'm basically supervisor while I'm there for the next two weeks."

I laid down and kissed his shoulder. "You don't sound very happy about it."

He sort of shrugged. "I don't want to be a foreman. People leave me alone, and I like that. Now they'll be bugging me to fix their mistakes."

"At least it's only for two weeks, right?"

He looked down at me. "Yeah, I guess. I might get grumpy."

I smiled. "If the last few days are any indication, I probably will, too."

"Then I guess the next little while is going to be pretty interesting." He pushed himself up and kissed me as he got me on my back. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, a little. I didn't decide on anything to make for dinner. My hands convinced me not to." I held them up as if I really needed to show him what I meant.

He nodded. "I don't blame you, babe. But what are we going to do about dinner?"

I noticed the playful light in his eyes and wondered what he could be thinking. "I really don't know."

"You know what Cookie Monster would have to say about this, right?" he asked with a grin.

"Cookie Monster, as in Sesame Street?" He just nodded. "No, I have no idea."

"C is for coochie; that's good enough for me." His imitation was perfect, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. He surprised me by moving down quickly and nibbling on my lower stomach, making the nomming sounds.

I squealed and pushed his shoulders. "Jake, stop . . ." It was a little difficult trying to talk through my laughter.

He pulled back looking a little sad. "Aw, I can't eat you out for dinner?"

I couldn't stop smiling. "Well, that'd be all fine for you, but what about me? I'm hungry, too."

He slid up to kiss my lips. "I have a sausage you can nibble on." He raised his eyebrows.

I snorted. "Sausage?" The things this man came up with . . .

He nodded. "It's a big one, too. Should keep you pretty full."

"Oh, my God, Jake," I giggled. "I love you."

"Me, too. How about this? I'll _take_ you out for dinner, wine you and dine you, then bring you home and sixty-nine you."

I raised an eyebrow. "I get the wining and dining parts, but what's sixty-nine?"

He chuckled and kissed me. "It's a sex position, Ness. Think about it."

It took me a minute, but I got it. "Oh." I'm sure I blushed. "I think I like that idea."

He pulled me closer to him. "I knew you would. I need a quick shower because I stink, then we can leave."

"You don't stink, Jake. You smell good." I dipped my head and sniffed his neck. It was a little muskier than normal, but I liked it.

He raised his arm. "Sniff there."

I backed up and shook my head. "No thanks. Can I take one with you? I feel kind of dirty after pulling those weeds."

He chuckled and got out of bed. "Yeah, come on. I'll try to behave."

Neither of us behaved. My hands made it difficult to do much for him, but he said he didn't mind. After experiencing what it was like to have Jake make love to me from behind, we dried off and got dressed. He helped me take care of my hands, even though there wasn't much I could do. I took a little extra time in the bathroom putting some makeup on to cover the rash on my face. Jake was ready to go by the time I had finished applying half the concealer, so he sat on the counter and watched me.

"You know you don't need to do all that, right?" He waved his hand toward my makeup bag.

I gave him a look. "Yes, I do."

We were both quiet for a minute. I could feel his eyes on me, and it made me a little self-conscious. I looked at him as I picked up my eye shadow.

He smirked and leaned in to kiss me. "You know you're beautiful, babe."

I blushed. "I know _you_ think I am."

His brow furrowed a little. "And I'm always right, so . . ."

I couldn't help but smile. "You're a little cocky sometimes."

"Only sometimes?"

I laughed and leaned forward. "Maybe most of the time."

He slid off the counter and stepped behind me. "Yeah, but you like it." His hands went to my hips, and even though we'd made love not even fifteen minutes before, the space between my legs began to throb again. With only one eye done, I stood up and leaned back into him. "You really are beautiful, babe. I don't just say that to make you feel good. It's true."

I set the eye shadow down and turned around to face him. "Yes, but this is a little different. If it were just you and me, I wouldn't worry about makeup. It won't be, though, and I . . . I just need to do this." I could only imagine the looks and comments I'd get if people saw the red spots on my face.

Jake sighed, but it didn't look or sound upset. Instead, he smiled and kissed me. "I know, babe. I love you."

"I love you, too."

He didn't leave the bathroom. He got back on the counter next to me and did his best to distract me as often as he could with some silly comment or random question. I did finally mange to finish, though. We were both starving by the time we walked out the door.

We went to a nice restaurant that had a good-sized section away from any sunlight. I took my time perusing the menu and deciding what I wanted. Jake was beside me taking almost every opportunity to distract me. I was sure he didn't do it intentionally, but every time he shifted, my focus was on him again. After I finally picked something, I put the menu down and smiled at him. He smiled back, but it seemed tense.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

He smirked and leaned in to kiss my head. "Nothing, babe."

I noticed he was tense all over. My brow furrowed. "Are you sure?"

He glanced over at another table where four teenage boys were talking and laughing about something. When he looked back at me, I swear he looked upset. "Yeah, I'm sure."

I let it go for now, but I'd drag it out of him later.

I wasn't able to get any wine because I wasn't twenty-one, but Jake made up for it by getting me a fancy, non-alcoholic drink. Throughout the meal, I noticed Jake periodically looking over at the table with the four boys. I wasn't sure if he knew I was watching him. I got a little concerned when he stiffened as two of the boys left the table.

"Jake?"

He looked over at me. "Yeah?"

I licked my lips. "Are you sure you're okay?"

He smiled and leaned in to kiss me. "I'm sure. Don't worry about it, okay?"

I knew he was lying to me. I didn't want to get into an argument about it in a restaurant, though, so I just nodded and reassured myself that I could bring it up when we went home.

Not fifteen minutes later, the two boys came back to the table, then they all left. I heard one of them mumble something as they passed behind me that sounded suspiciously like a cat call. Jake put his arm around my shoulders and kissed me. It was more forceful and intimate than I thought a public kiss should have been.

I furrowed my brow when he pulled back. He gave me one more soft kiss, then went back to his plate. We got through the rest of dinner quietly, and soon we were on our way back home.

"You know I'm not just going to let it go, right?" I asked as he drove.

"Yeah, I know."

I waited for him to say more. He didn't. I waited until we got home, hoping if I gave him some time to organize his thoughts, he'd be more willing to talk to me. When we got to the house, we put our leftovers in the fridge, and I all but cornered him in the kitchen. Even though he was much bigger than me, he let me pin him against the counter the way he'd done to me so many times. "So what was going on?"

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he put his hands on my hips. "Okay. You know I'm protective of you, Ness. You know I'm . . . a little possessive." _A__little_ was an understatement, but I didn't mind. I liked it. I just nodded. He turned us around so I was the one who was trapped. "Those boys were talking about the women in the restaurant. Who they thought was hot, who was ugly, who had nice tits or a nice ass . . . Three of them agreed that they'd fuck you."

I was surprised, flattered, and disgusted all at the same time. "Really?" I scrunched my nose.

He nodded. "Yeah. I didn't like it."

At least I understood his behavior now. I lifted my hands to his shoulders and stood up on my toes to kiss him. "Well, you know that I'm yours."

His hands on my hips pulled me in tighter. "Yeah, I know. Ness?" I hummed and met his eyes. His were so dark with need. "Remember what we had planned earlier?"

I smiled. "Mm-hmm. Should we go to the bedroom?"

He shook his head, and I was confused. "No. I want to change those plans. Can I fuck you in here?"

My eyes widened. "In here? The kitchen?" I looked around as if to confirm that's where I was.

Jake smirked and leaned in to kiss me. "Yes. On the counter. Please?"

I figured his odd desire had something to do with his possessiveness and need to claim me. I was still a little nervous. I took a deep breath and licked my lips. "Okay."

He didn't waste any time in lifting my shirt over my head. It scraped my face a little, and I hissed. His brow furrowed. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and stood on my toes. "I'm all right."

He kissed me. "Good." He lifted me onto the counter. "Stay here. I'll be right back." After another quick kiss, he walked away. It wasn't long before he returned with a condom. I smiled, and we started where we'd left off.

* * *

Trying to snuggle up to Jake that night when we went to bed wasn't as easy as I'd hoped it would be. I usually tucked my arm under me, but this time I couldn't get comfortable. My hand that I rested on Jake's chest was just fine, if not a little tingly. After I'd tried to adjust myself a few times, I gave up and rolled over to my back.

"What's the matter, Ness?"

I sighed. "My stupid hands. I can't get comfortable." I'd used my aloe gel and numbing cream on everything that was hurt, and it did help, but it didn't cure everything.

Jake moved to his side and scooted a little closer to me. He kissed my cheek as he trailed his fingers down my arm. "Your hands aren't stupid."

I turned my head and met his eyes. "I'm too used to being close to you like that, Jake. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight."

He smiled and kissed my lips. "Sure you will." He pushed me so I was on my side facing away from him. Before I could say anything about it, he pulled me back so I was right up against him. He moved my hair out of the way and wrapped both his arms around me so he could nuzzle his face in my neck. "I'll just have to hold you like this."

I shivered; his voice against my skin felt so good. I let myself relax and realized that I still felt safe and warm like I usually did. I turned enough to give him one more kiss, then I settled down again. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Comfortable?"

I sighed happily and nodded. "Yes."

"Good. Get some sleep, babe. Love you." His arms tightened around me for a brief moment.

I couldn't really hug him back, so I settled for squirming a little closer to him. "I love you, too."

"Oh, babe, before I forget. Sunday is Father's Day. Do you feel up to seeing your dad again?" He leaned up on his elbow, I twisted to look up at him.

I wanted to say that I was, but I was hesitant. I licked my lips. "I don't know."

He nodded. "That's okay. You have a few days to think about it. Would you want to go see my dad with me?"

He sounded hopeful. I wanted to do that for him, so I nodded. "Yes, I would."

His smile was bright. "We'll go after the sun sets Sunday night."

I was sure I could at least be okay going to see his dad. I had three days to get myself ready to see my dad's grave again.

* * *

Friday was a pretty good day, all things considered. Waking up wrapped in Jake was just as nice as being wrapped around him. After he left for work, I took a shower and did what I could for my skin. It was already starting to feel better. The cuts from the weeds hurt the worst, but even those had all scabbed over. I managed to finish the rest of the laundry and checked the PTSD forum. Angel had posted sometime during the night about a nightmare she'd had. As I read it, flashes of my own nightmares came to mind. Hers were so similar to mine. She was helpless, unable to do anything as she sat in the corner of the room and watched the attacker stab her sister to death. I didn't have any idea of what to say, but I really wanted to try to help her the way she helped me. I wrote back, telling her a little about my nightmares and what Dr. Furst had suggested I try. I couldn't lie and say it was helping, so I just said I wasn't sure if it was doing much yet.

Saturday morning after breakfast, Jake and I went out into the back yard together. He mowed the lawn while I used the new gloves I'd gotten the night before to pull the rest of the weeds. It didn't take long. We went back inside and were getting ready to fix lunch when Leah called. She said she was bored and wanted some company while Sam was at a meeting. Jake and I were done with what we could do in the yard for now, so we ate some sandwiches and left.

We got to Leah's a little after one. She was moving around a little easier than the last time I saw her.

"Aren't you supposed to be sitting down?" I asked.

She frowned. "I don't care. It's not like I'm up and running anywhere. I'm bored, and dammit, I'm going to get up and do something."

Jake hugged her shoulders. "As long as you stay away from the heavy stuff."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Yeah. No more vacuuming for me. You'd think I'd be happy about that. I've never wanted to clean something so bad in my life."

I couldn't help but laugh a little, even though I felt bad. "Can I help you with anything?"

She looked like she was going to say no, but I guess she thought better of it. "Sam won't let me wash the dishes, but he won't do them either. So I've got a sink full of dirty dishes . . ." she trailed off.

I looked at my hands, then up at Jake. I wasn't sure they were up for that. He smiled at me. "She hurt her hands the other day. Find something else for her to do, and I'll do the dishes."

She furrowed her brow. "I really didn't ask you guys over here so you could help me clean. I just didn't want to be alone."

"I know," Jake said. "But Ness wants to help, so we're going to help."

I shrugged. Leah sighed. "Okay." She turned to me. "While Jake's playing Cinderella with the dish soap, you want to come help me in the living room?"

I could just imagine Jake playing with the soap bubbles. The image made me laugh, and I followed Leah. All she needed was just some vacuuming, which I was happy to do for her.

"So do you remember Lisa from my wedding?" Leah asked.

The name sounded familiar. It took me a moment, but I did recall Geraldine and her sisters Jamie and Lisa. I scowled. "Yeah."

"She's getting married next month. Her mom is one of my mom's friends, and she asked me to ask you if you'd do the flowers for her."

"Really?" I didn't want to. Those women had been nothing but rude to me; why should I do them any favors? Then again, Lisa hadn't really been in on it. She didn't stick up for me, but it was Jamie and Geraldine who made all the comments. "I'll have to think about it."

Once the vacuuming was done, I helped Jake finish the dishes by drying and putting away the ones that were clean. We went to the basement after that, and I sat with my back against Jake as we talked about Leah's recent doctor appointment. She was still scared and wasn't sure she was up to being a mother, but I saw a softer side of her that day. She put her hand over her stomach as she talked about the ultrasound. Jake tightened his arm around me, and I could only guess what he was thinking.

Sam got home a little before four o'clock. It had been a while since we'd done anything with all four of us, and it was nice to see him again. I wasn't sure what I was feeling as we all sat together in the basement, his arm around Leah and his hand covering hers on her stomach. He had a little smirk on his lips almost the whole time, which was odd. He didn't usually smile like that. I knew he was happy and proud to be a dad.

I looked up at Jake. He smiled and kissed me. I snuggled into his side a little more and stared at Sam's hand until it was time to leave.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading!

So y'all know I don't normally ask for reviews. Of course I love getting them and hearing what you think. However, considering the number I currently have (637), I figured I'd let you guys know how incredibly awesome it would be to reach 666 reviews. Y'know... Halloween and whatever. Or just because I'm weird. Take that as a hint if you'd like :)


	47. One of Those Days

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving a few days early to all of my American readers! This chapter was by far the hardest one to write in all the chapters of any story I've ever written thus far. I'm not really sure why, although it's probably a combination of a bunch of small things. Regardless, it finally got done and hopefully subsequent chapters won't be as tough.

I should warn you all that there is some religious talk in this chapter. Dealing with death the way these two are, I think it should be expected, but you never know how some people will take it. Just know that I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. It's just the natural swing of things when one is grieving. As with anyone else on the planet, both Jake and Ness have their reasons for believing the things they do.

I probably shouldn't have to warn anyone about the citrus, but I will anyway. If you're not a h00r, ignore Jake's, uh . . . vigor.

Remember sweet, cuddly Jake? Yeah, he had to take a leave of absence for a while. He should be back next chapter, I think. In his stead, we have angry Jake. (*Insert Fake Game Show Host Grin Here*). He and I got into it a few times with this chapter. It's not all his fault, though, and we are learning some very valuable (if not hard) lessons about compromising.

With that, enjoy the chapter.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Six

One of Those Days

_It's just one of those days  
When you don't wanna wake up  
Everything is fucked; everybody sucks  
You don't really know why, but you want justify  
Rippin' someone's head off  
No human contact, and if you interact  
Your life is on contract  
Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker  
It's just one of those days._

-Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit

* * *

_**Jacob**_

Sunday was my first day as stand-in foreman. I wasn't excited to take the position. The only good thing about the arrangement was that I could still do my regular work. If I'd had to stand around like the other dipshit, I would have told the boss to go fuck himself. On my way to work, I wondered why I didn't say that anyway. Izak or Paul were equally experienced, and they both had better people skills. I didn't get why I was picked.

It was too late to ask questions, though. I got to the site at my regular time to find half the people there just standing around. After I got my shit together and up to the floor I was working on, I didn't hesitate to start ordering people around. For the most part, they actually listened to me. It didn't start to get annoying until the third new kid interrupted me with some stupid question. They'd all been on the job for several months, but this was their first project. I tried to keep my cool and just answer them. By the time I was done for the day, I was ready to kick someone's teeth out.

I stopped at a park on the way home to calm down. I just parked and tried to relax and take a few deep breaths. Nessie didn't need to be subjected to my mood. When I felt like I could keep myself together, I went home.

Nessie was in the kitchen when I walked in. She had some soft music playing and turned to me when I shut the door.

"Welcome home, Jake," she said with a smile.

I went to her and pulled her close to kiss her. "Thanks, babe."

She frowned a little and looked up at me. "Are you okay?"

My brow furrowed. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

She reached up and touched my cheek. "You're hot."

"I'm always hot, Ness." I kissed her again.

She smiled but didn't let it go. "You know that's not what I mean. Did something happen?"

Despite my stop at the park, I was already getting upset again. I held her tightly and told myself it had nothing to do with her. "Nothing really happened. Being foreman isn't any fun, that's all."

Her smile this time was more genuine. "You'll get the hang of it, Jake."

Her confidence in me felt good. As much as I wanted to fuck her right there, she had other plans. She stood on her toes to kiss me one more time before she pulled away. She'd made some kind of casserole for dinner that was actually really good. I humored her and helped clean up, then I all but dragged her back to the bedroom. She was laughing by the time I had her shirt off.

"You don't want to make love or anything, do you?" she asked with a grin.

I shook my head. "No. I want to fuck you." I was maybe rougher than I needed to be getting her on the bed. I grabbed a condom and got on the bed over her. Her eyes were wide, but I didn't realize she was uncomfortable until I took her arms and held them over her head.

"Jake?" she squeaked.

I looked down and met her eyes. She was scared. I took a deep breath and told myself to be more gentle. "Are you okay?"

She licked her lips and shook her head. "You're hurting my arms."

My stomach churned, and I let her go immediately. "I'm sorry, Ness."

She reached up to hold my shoulders. "I'm okay now. Why did you do that?"

I laid down beside her and shook my head. "I don't know." I wasn't sure she'd like the real reason much.

She turned on her side facing me and kissed me. "You can tell me."

I looked at her and sighed. "It's stupid, baby. Today was really hard, and I need to have control of something."

She smiled. "You needed to control me?"

I met her eyes. She didn't look upset at all. She almost looked turned on. I nodded.

"I'm not mad." She pushed herself closer to me and reached up to comb her fingers through my hair. My arms automatically tightened around her. "In fact, I wouldn't mind if you did it again. Just not as rough." She licked her lips.

There were no words to describe how perfect she was. I kissed her deeply and pushed her to her back. "I'll try not to hurt you this time," I said softly against her lips. I was careful to watch my strength as I lifted her arms up. "Tell me if I do, okay?"

She nodded and lifted her knees. I pulled back long enough to put the condom on, then I got back in position. I tried really hard to pay attention to how hard I was holding her down, but she was intoxicating. She didn't ask me to stop or tell me I was hurting her, so I could only assume she was okay. Either she thought it was just as arousing as I did or I did something really right, because she climaxed a few minutes before I did.

We took a shower together afterwards then watched a movie. It was starting to get dark when the movie ended, so we got ready to go to the cemetery. Nessie was nervous but said she would be okay.

By Nessie's request, we visited my dad first. He was in the same cemetery, which was convenient. When we got there, I held her hand as we walked to my parents' stones. I sat down against Mom's and tugged lightly on Nessie's hand to get her to sit down as well. She did, and I held her close to me.

"So, these are my parents. My dad, William Jacob Black, and my mom, Sarah Justine Black. Mom, Dad, this is Nessie, my girlfriend."

She licked her lips and offered a small, embarrassed wave. "Hi."

"It's been a while since I've been out here. My dad would have kicked my ass; we came to see Mom several times a month when he was alive. Anyway . . ." I looked up at the sky. It was nearly black with only a few stars shining. The moon was huge, though. Nessie rested her head on my shoulder. I kissed her hair. "I guess I'm foreman for a bit until this job is over. I hate it already. Dad would have told me it's about fucking time. He thinks I should have been the boss years ago."

Ness shifted and kissed my neck. "You probably should have been. You have so much experience."

I smirked. "Experience, yes. Patience and ability to deal with new kids constantly asking the same inane questions a million times? No."

She smiled and scooted a little closer, snuggling into my side. "I'm cold."

I spread my legs and pulled her over my lap to hold her in front of me. She hadn't worn a jacket since it was usually so warm, so I wrapped my arms around her and leaned down to rest my chin on her shoulder. "Better?"

She turned her head and kissed my cheek. "Yes, thank you. You get to order people around, though, don't you?"

"Yeah, kind of. It'd be better if they all just did the work they're supposed to do without me having to get on their ass about it." I shook my head and figured it would be better not to get into that here. "I used to come and sit out here by my mom to think when I was younger. It was my safe place. I'd come and talk to her a few times a week when things were rough."

Nessie leaned her head back and snuggled into me a little more. "What do you talk to her about?"

"Everything. It used to seem like this was the only place anyone would actually listen to me. Or at least not talk back and tell me everything I was doing wrong."

She kissed my neck. "Did your dad do that?"

I looked at her and smiled. "No. He was always cool about everything unless I was really stupid. It just seemed like he did when I was a teenager and didn't want to admit that his advice made sense."

She kind of half smiled, but it faded away as she thought of something. I hugged her tightly and kissed her hair. When she looked up at me, her eyes were wet. She sniffed and took a deep breath, then turned to my dad's headstone.

"Happy Father's Day, Mr. Black," she said softly.

I nuzzled my nose against her ear. "He would have insisted you call him Billy."

She shivered and glanced at me for a second before she turned back. "Okay. Billy. Billy Black. I like that." I smiled. "You must have been a great dad, Billy. Your son is amazing." She licked her lips and turned to look at me. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but I'm pretty sure she was blushing.

I kissed her lips. "You're too kind."

"It's only the truth, Jake."

"Mm-hmm." I kissed her again. "She's into flattery, Dad; she can't be trusted."

She laughed. "So are you saying he wasn't a great dad?" The challenge in her eyes was obvious.

"Not at all. He was. Just saying I'm still not sure how he and my mom—two of the nicest people in the world—created me."

She was quiet for a moment as she looked at me, then she stretched up to kiss me. "You're too hard on yourself."

"Maybe." She looked like she was about to say something, but she was interrupted by a yawn. "Are you about ready to visit your dad?"

She hesitated for a minute before she nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

I helped her up, then got up behind her. I kissed two fingers and put them on Dad's headstone. "Happy Father's Day, Dad." I did the same to Mom's, then turned to Ness. She smiled up at me and took my hand.

"Do you always do that?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"It's sweet."

I smirked but didn't comment. I opened the car door for her, and she slipped in.

She didn't seem eager to get out of the car when we reached her dad's grave. I gave her a few minutes. She finally took a deep breath and offered an incredibly fake smile before she opened her door. I got out with her, and we walked hand in hand to sit next to her father's stone. I leaned against her mom's headstone and held her in front of me the way I had done before and kissed her head. She reached out and began to trace the letters of his name.

"Happy Father's Day, Daddy," she said softly. Her voice was strained.

I gathered her hair up and pushed it off one shoulder so I could kiss her neck. "Are you okay, babe?"

She sniffled and shook her head. "I don't know." She looked at me, and even in the darkness, I could see the pain in her eyes.

I kissed her lips and hugged her a little tighter. "You're doing so good, Ness."

Her smile was sad. "Thanks." She tried to stifle a yawn and began tracing letters again.

"Happy Father's Day, Mr. Masen," I said.

We were both quiet for a few minutes. Nessie sniffled and wiped her face a few times, but she didn't cry as hard as she had the last time we came here.

Nessie broke the silence. "Do you believe in heaven, Jake?"

I nodded against her shoulder. "Yes."

"I never did. My dad would take me to church sometimes, but we didn't go every Sunday. I didn't like the way they talked about it. I thought it should be whatever made that person the happiest."

"Me too. Dad and I never went to church, and I can't remember if Mom was religious at all. After she died, though, it was too hard to believe that something didn't exist. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her."

Nessie turned and rested against my chest. "I haven't really thought about it much. Do you think your parents are together?"

"Yes. And I imagine yours are, too." I started to play with the ends of her hair, combing my fingers through and twirling them in her curls.

"It's so hard to imagine that. After the church all but told me my ideas were stupid, I stopped believing in it at all. I can't believe that he's really gone, though. I just can't." She sniffled and nuzzled her face against my neck.

"I know what you mean, babe. I felt the same about my mom. God or no god, whatever might be waiting on the other side, she was too good to just disappear. She's somewhere, happy with my dad."

"Do you think they can see you? Like watch over you?" She leaned back and looked up at me. It looked like something important was riding on my answer.

I kissed her and nodded. "Yes. I can't even tell you how many times when I was growing up I could swear I felt my mom in the room when I went to bed. When I did stupid things, I'd see that face she would make when I got into trouble."

Nessie took a deep breath and licked her lips. "Do you think my dad . . ." she hesitated.

I had a feeling I knew what she was trying to ask. "I think your dad would check in on you often, Ness. I think he knows it wasn't your fault and is waiting for you to come to terms with that."

Her lips trembled. I hugged her tightly, and she turned a little more to curl up as much as she could. Her shoulders shook as she cried.

"Thank you," she whispered a moment later. She sniffled and kissed my neck.

There wasn't anything to say. She took a few more minutes to calm down before she turned back to her dad's gravestone. She went back to tracing the letters, crying silently.

It was just past eleven o'clock when we left. She whispered that she loved him a few times, then we got up and went back to the car. She started yawning again almost as soon as she was in her seat and was nearly asleep when we got back to the house. I made her stay awake at least long enough to get changed, then she cuddled up to me in bed. With her leg over mine and her arm across my chest, she kissed my neck.

"Goodnight, Jake."

I hugged her and kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, babe."

* * *

Monday was worse in almost every way. Jack was there, and he used every excuse he could to bug me. It was a miracle I didn't kill him. Nessie was on the couch when I got home, curled up on herself. I rubbed her back stiffly while she told me she had been thinking all day about her dad and what it meant if he really was in heaven. When she finished, she leaned back and looked up at me.

"Today was bad, wasn't it?" she asked.

I sighed and nodded. She waited for a moment, and I told her what had happened. She smiled coyly.

"If you're foreman, doesn't that mean you get to fire people?"

I smirked. "Not really. It means I can tell the contractor who I think should be fired for whatever reason. He makes the final decision." That would have been nice, though. Of course, given my current state of mind, I'd probably be the only one left to finish the thing in a few days' time.

She frowned. "Oh. Well, at least you can make their life hell, right? Work them overtime or something?"

"That I can do, yes. I'll put Jack to work in the damn basement."

She smiled and kissed me. "There you go. See? There's a bright side after all."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Ness and I went through some relaxation techniques from the safety plan before therapy on Tuesday. I couldn't say for sure, but I think she did them just to get me to go along with. I didn't argue with her. It was obvious even to me that I needed it.

At first, things were going okay. Dr. Furst and Ness talked about her new emotional outbursts, and he confirmed what her online friends had already told her. The way he put it, she had to remove the scab and let it bleed. It started to get rough when he asked Nessie if she was ready to start seeing him by herself. She tensed up a little and glanced at me. I knew what he meant, and I knew it was something we were supposed to be working toward, but that didn't stop me from wanting to beat his ass.

Nessie swallowed. "I don't know. I don't think so. Not yet."

Dr. Furst nodded. "Okay. That's all right; I was just wondering. And how are you doing, Jacob?" he asked. There was no doubt in my mind that he already knew how I was doing.

"Decent."

He stared at me for a second. "I can't help if you don't tell me what's going on."

I didn't need his fucking help anyway. Nessie looked up at me like she was urging me to say something. What the fuck was he going to say anyway? He couldn't offer anything that he hadn't already said.

Ness squeezed my fingers and took a deep breath. "He was unexpectedly given the job of foreman at work," she blurted. I tried hard not to glare at her. "It's not going so well."

"I see," Dr. Furst said. "How are you both doing taking the medicines?"

Nessie answered before I could tell him it wasn't any of his goddamn business. "Good. We remind each other every morning."

"I'm glad to hear it. Are you still using the safety plan?"

Again, Nessie nodded. "We did some of it this morning, in fact."

Dr. Furst glanced at me. I just glared right back. "Very good. What about sleep patterns? Are you both sleeping well?"

This was ridiculous. I sighed and shook my head as Nessie answered. "Yeah. There have been a few times we've stayed up late, though. Like Sunday night, we went to see our dads' graves. Most of the time we're in bed by ten o'clock."

"Jacob?" Dr. Furst said. I looked at him and clenched my jaw. "Do you keep any sort of journal?"

My brow furrowed. "Why the fuck would I do that?" Nessie cleared her throat, and I looked at her. The look in her eyes made me take a deep breath. "No, I don't."

"Do you realize that you're experiencing a manic episode?"

Someone give the man a medal; he's a fucking genius. "I thought it was pretty fu—" Nessie elbowed me lightly. I groaned. "Pretty damn obvious."

Dr. Furst frowned. "That's good. Renesmee, it really isn't a good idea to admonish someone in a mania. He's not hurting anyone; let him express himself the way he feels necessary, then deal with it afterward." It didn't matter that she annoyed me when she tried to correct me. The look on her face after he said that made my blood boil. I think he realized he made a mistake when he looked at me, because he cleared his throat and continued. "What I think we need to do is find something to bring you back down to normal. Is there any way to decline your new position at work?"

"Tried that already." Nessie's hand on my arm felt like an open flame. I clenched my fists and kissed her head to stay at least in control of myself.

"Okay. This is what I suggest: I will increase the dosage on your medicines for one week. I would also like you to start a journal. If you like, it can be just until you're calm again. What do you think of that?" He really didn't want to know what I thought of that. I just grunted and took a deep breath to smell Nessie's hair. "Do you have any suggestions of what you think might help?"

Nessie squeezed my arm, and I closed my eyes for a minute. "No."

"If I adjust your medication, will you at least try to start a journal?"

"And write what, exactly? The goddamn journal won't do a fucking thing."

"It's common to feel that way, Jacob, especially in your state of mind. You can write anything you feel like writing, even if it's incoherent. It has two purposes, really. The first is to give you another way to express yourself and your anger. The second is to help you keep track of your mood swings. If you can think of something else you'd like to try, I'm open to suggestions."

Nothing would help. I'd just have to suffer through it until the higher dose of medicine started to work. I really wanted to get out of the fucking office, though. "I'll try it."

Nessie smiled, and I had a feeling I'd just made a mistake. She'd make sure I stuck by that plan just like I made sure she stuck by hers. Damn it all to hell.

We were finally released not too much longer. We went home, and I just wanted to lie down alone for a while. Nessie smiled and kissed me, saying she'd be fine with the television. I was grateful that she seemed to understand. I laid down with all the lights off and just listened to Ness in the other room. It was relaxing to hear her laugh every now and then or her voice when she made a comment about something the characters were doing. After about an hour, she turned it off and went outside. I furrowed my brow and got out of bed and pulled the thick curtain back to look out the window. She was in the back yard looking around. I smiled to myself, feeling much calmer, and went out to join her.

"Having fun?" I asked as I walked out the back door. Ness was standing in the middle of the lawn looking at the empty flower bed. She turned to me and smiled.

"Yeah. I was trying to decide which flowers would look best where." She leaned back against me when I wrapped my arms around her waist. I leaned down to kiss her shoulder. "I think it would look good with tall ones like lilies in the back and the pansies and geraniums in front."

"I'm glad you're getting it figured out. Should we go get some?"

She turned in my arms and lifted her hands to my shoulders. "Well, the yard is ready for them. I don't know how much I'd be able to do today, but I would really like to get started."

I nodded. "Okay. How about we start small then, and get what you want for the front?"

"That sounds perfect. Thank you, Jake."

I let her do all the picking shit out since she knew what she was looking for. The smile on her face was worth all the frustration and attempts to stay calm. It was a little easier now, but I could literally feel how close I was to the edge. When we got home, I made her take the timer with her and set her free to start on her garden. I didn't help, but I did watch her through the window for a few minutes before I laid back down. It felt like less than two minutes before I heard Nessie come in. I furrowed my brow and looked at the clock. She'd been out for a little over a half an hour.

She was quiet as she came in the room and walked to the bathroom. She washed her face and hands then turned the light off. Her tiptoe was almost comical as she crossed the room again. I smirked to myself.

"Did you get it all done?" I asked.

She jumped and gasped. "Oh, wow . . . I'm sorry, Jake, did I wake you up?"

I sat up and beckoned her to join me. She did. "No; I didn't go to sleep. You okay?"

She nodded and kissed my shoulder. "Yes. You just startled me. I didn't get it all done before the timer went off, but I got close. I have another geranium and a daffodil left, but I got all the pansies planted. They look so cute."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "How's your skin?"

She shrugged. "It's fine. I got dirty again." She plucked at her shirt. "Well, I got a little muddy, actually. I cleaned up a little bit."

"You should get changed, then." I started to lift her shirt. She laughed and let me take it off. It was pretty wet. "Who knew playing in a garden could make you such a dirty girl?"

"I figured that was a given, Jake. Digging in dirt and all that."

I kissed her, almost cutting off her sentence as I shoved my tongue in her mouth. She grunted but responded the way I'd hoped she would. When I pulled back, I threw her shirt in the general vicinity of the hamper. "That's not at all what I meant, Ness."

She raised her eyebrow. "What did you mean, then?"

I pushed her back on the bed. "I meant you're a dirty girl in a sexual way."

"I am?"

I was going to make her one, regardless. "Yes. Do you trust me?"

She lifted herself enough to kiss me. "You know I do."

"Good. Get naked, then I want to watch you touch yourself." I all but ripped her bra off and helped her with her pants. She hesitated when all of her clothes were off. I stood up and pulled my shirt over my head. "Show me how you please yourself, Ness."

She spread her legs and took a deep breath. "It's nothing special, Jake."

I smirked as I pushed my pants down. "It is to me." I got on my knees on the bed and put my hands on her legs. "Just show me."

She smiled nervously and reached down with one hand to cup her pussy. "You really like to watch this?"

"Yes, I do." I grabbed my dick and rubbed as she parted her pussy lips.

"I think I like watching you, too," she said, her eyes on my hand. She rubbed her clit slowly at first, then squirmed and licked her lips.

I leaned down and kissed her knee. "You're so fucking hot, Ness. Let me see you finger yourself."

She did it and whimpered a little when she went back to her clit. I watched her for a few minutes, getting more and more turned on every second. She seemed to get into it, even closing her eyes and moving her hips. It wasn't long before I couldn't handle much more.

"I want to taste you, Ness"

She gave me a devious smile and lifted her hand. I grinned and sucked on her fingers, keeping eye contact with her. She squirmed again. I leaned over her and kissed her lips.

"You taste so good."

She blushed. "Thanks."

I chuckled and laid down on my back beside her. "Come here." She got on her knees, and I took her hips and pulled her up to straddle my face.

"What a—oh!" She cried out when I licked her pussy. "Oh, my God." She was already getting a little shaky.

"Suck my dick, Ness," I managed to get out. She half whimpered, half agreed, and leaned over to grab my dick. I groaned against her pussy when she didn't hesitate to go all in. Her hands clenched on me when she tensed up, and she pulled back when her release hit her hard. Her hips rocked against my face until she was spent.

"Oh, Jake," she groaned. I kissed her inner thigh and let her relax for a moment, her hand lazily trailing up and down my dick. She pushed herself up and to my side, then turned to kiss me. "Thank you."

"You're not done yet," I told her. "Will you get a condom?"

She smiled and got up. She put the condom on for me and licked my hip before she came back up to kiss me again. "Now what?"

"Now get on." She started to straddle me when I grabbed her hips. "The other way, Ness."

Her brow furrowed. "You want me to face away from you?"

I tugged on her arm to pull her close and kissed her. "Trust me, babe."

She nodded and got on the way I wanted her to. I took her hips as she got everything in position and slid down. She seemed a little unsure of what to do at first, but the sounds she made told me she liked it. She leaned forward and put her hands on my knees. I couldn't keep my eyes off her ass. The more she moved, the more she got into it, and the less awkward her movements became. She sat up straighter, just using her legs to move. Her hair bounced with each thrust and brushed my wrists as I clutched her waist tighter.

"Fuck, Ness. Come down on me harder, babe."

She did and leaned forward again to get more leverage. The view mixed with her moans and everything else was too much. I hissed and pulled her hips down on me as hard as I dared for the last few thrusts. I growled and let go. She slowed down but didn't stop moving until I pushed her up. She turned and smiled at me.

I sat up to get rid of the condom. "Come here." I laid back down and pulled her close to me. "I love you."

She kissed me. "I love you, too, Jake. And thank you; that was fun."

"Yes it was. I still have so much to teach you, though. Next I think we'll test how strong that table is."

She lifted her head. "The kitchen table?"

I smirked and nodded. "Yes."

"That's where we eat, Jake."

I raised an eyebrow. "Your point being . . .?"

She half shrugged one shoulder. "Just that you have some weird ideas sometimes."

I chuckled again. "You don't know the half of it, Ness. There is not one surface in this house that I would not fuck you on if given the opportunity."

She pursed her lips. "The stove?"

"We just wouldn't turn it on."

She tried to hide her smile. "The bookshelf?"

"Technically not a real surface, but I could still fuck you against it." She wasn't going to win.

"On top of the refrigerator." This time it wasn't a question.

I snorted. "Don't underestimate my creativity, Ness. I'd find a way."

She kissed my neck. "The entertainment center."

"That would be pretty entertaining."

She laughed and pulled back. "Okay, you win."

I beamed. "Of course I do."

* * *

The higher dose of medicine didn't seem to do anything for the first few days. By Thursday, pretty much everyone had learned not to fuck with me and just do their damn jobs. Luckily I hadn't killed anyone yet, but I had a few close calls. Nobody was seriously injured, and the building was getting a little ahead of schedule.

Nessie had finished what she could with her garden. She took pride in everything she did, and I had to admit she knew how to care for the weeds. I had shown her how to operate the sprinkler system and everything else out there. She seemed determined not to let me stay cranky once I got home. As I had thought she would, she made sure I started a journal. She wasn't as strict as I had thought she might be, though. She was happy if I spent five minutes on it. On Thursday, she'd made finger foods for dinner and was dressed in her cream-colored, stringy lingerie covered only by an apron. She seemed tense at first, but we found out quickly that the kitchen table was every bit as sturdy as it looked.

On Friday, the contractor came down to the site. I figured it was because the pussies I tried to work with had filed complaints. I'd tried to tell him before, but he didn't listen.

"Listen, Jake," he said as he shifted his ample weight and sat in the only chair in the office. "I'm going to be very honest with you here and tell you that I don't give a shit about the little squabbles. Men in this industry fight all the time; it's just a damn fact. That's not the reason I'm here, though. I have a new project my company has been hired to start in two weeks. I want you to be my lead foreman."

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "I've already told you before I don't want to be a foreman. I did this as a favor and because I didn't have to change anything."

"I get that. But you know what? I've only seen a handful of men who can get their guys to work the way you can." He held up his hand when I tried to interrupt him. "I don't care how you do it; you just do. I want you on my team."

I took a second to breathe and make sure I didn't fuck myself by saying or doing something I'd regret. I cleared my throat and looked him right in the eyes. "No." I walked out before he could say anything else. As I was on my way back to what I had been doing before the shithead showed up, I noticed two of the younger boys were arguing over some tools. They looked up at me, and the way they straightened up and figured their shit out was almost comical. I smirked to myself and went back to work.

Nessie was in a good mood when I got home. She'd made steaks for dinner. She was really spoiling me the way she took care of me and the house.

"How was your day?" she asked as we ate.

I shrugged. "Wasn't terrible, I guess. Patrick, the contractor, came down today to offer me a job after this one ends next week. He wants me to be a full-time foreman."

She smiled. "What did you say?"

"Well, I didn't tell him to fuck off, but I didn't accept either."

"How long does it usually take you to find a new job?"

"There's always something under construction, Ness. I wouldn't imagine it would be more than a few weeks. If I got really desperate, I'd hit up Leah's dad."

She cocked her head to the side. "He's a contractor, right?"

"Yep. He and I haven't been on very good terms since I met Leah, but that's mostly because he wanted to pretend she was currency to get me to agree to take over the company when he kicks the bucket." I was happy to say Harry had been treating his daughter better since the last time I'd had a chat with him before her wedding.

"What do you mean?" Ness was leaning forward, intent on what I was saying.

"You know that Leah and I weren't serious at first. Both of our dads wanted it to be different, though. My dad wanted me to get married to someone and give him a grandkid before he died. Leah's dad wanted her to get married to someone he thought was worthy of his company. The first time I met him, he offered me ten thousand dollars, a new car, and of course Leah if I'd do it." Although I'd told Ness a little about Harry, I hadn't told her or anyone else about that offer.

"Ten _thousand_ dollars?" she asked incredulously.

I nodded. "Yep. I told him to go to hell and promised to break his legs if he kept treating her like a prize he could pass to the winning bidder."

"Wow. That's insane. I'm glad she found Sam." She raised her eyebrows and went back to her almost forgotten meal.

After dinner, we cleaned everything up and went to the living room. "How was your day, Ness?" I asked as we sat on the couch. I pulled her close to me and kissed her.

"It was a good day. I talked to Leah a lot today. She was bored, so I just carried the phone around with me while I did some things around the house." She turned a little and kissed my neck.

"That's good. What did you guys talk about?"

"Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Mostly about the pregnancy, though. I'm so excited for her," she said happily.

"Yeah, it's exciting."

Ness smiled brightly. "I think she might be convincing me that a boy would be better than a girl. She's definitely hoping for a boy, though. She says they're less complicated."

I just nodded. I knew this was going to happen someday.

"I know she's not thrilled, but I think she'll come around."

I sighed and leaned forward. "Yeah, I imagine she will."

"She says Sam is helping her get over it."

She said it like she was hoping to get some kind of rise out of me. "Doesn't surprise me." I wasn't falling into that trap, and we were not having a talk about kids.

She got on her knees beside me and started to rub my back. "I think she'll be a great mother. Don't you?" She leaned forward and kissed my shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess."

She sighed. "Jake?"

I closed my eyes. "What?"

"Do you think we'll ever have a baby?"

I turned my head to look at her. "You're kidding me, right?" I asked. It was obvious from the look on her face that she was serious, but I really didn't want to believe it.

She shook her head. "No, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, Jake, I'm not saying that I want to have a baby right now. I'm just saying I think it would be nice to know that someday we could start a family."

I sat up, pushing her back, and ran both my hands through my hair. "Nessie, that's . . . Dammit, I don't even like kids."

She resituated herself so she was sitting next to me again. "It would be different with your own."

I huffed and looked over at her. "No it wouldn't. They're all slimy little shit buckets."

Her jaw went slack as she leaned back. "Jacob, they are not slimy."

"They drool, they puke, and they ooze snot everywhere."

She pursed her lips. "They're not shit buckets, either."

"Nessie, when Izak's wife had a baby a year ago, it went through twelve diapers a day. Twelve in just one day. That's over three hundred diapers in a month. Tell me that's not a lot of shit."

She stopped for a moment and looked down at her lap. I knew this conversation wasn't going to get us anywhere, so I wanted to end it. She looked back up at me and sighed. "So you're saying that you won't even consider the possibility of ever having a child with me? Even in ten years?"

"You'll be thirty in ten years. Don't you think that's a little late to start popping out babies?"

Her eyes watered. "I want a baby, Jake."

I grunted and stood up. "Forget it, Ness. You're not getting one from me." I started to walk away.

"Fine," she said from her spot on the couch. Her voice was thick. "There are other men out there, you know. You're not the only one that would ever fuck me."

Her insinuation was plain as day. It didn't matter that I'd hurt her or that she was just trying to cut me as deeply as I'd done to her. I turned around and went back to her. "Don't start that fucking bullshit. You're mine. I've already told you I will kill anyone who touches you the way I have."

She looked up at me with tears falling down her cheeks. Her brow furrowed, and she pushed my hand away from her shoulder as she stood up. "I'm not yours, Jacob. I don't belong to you. I'm my own person, and I'll do whatever I feel like doing."

Her defiance only made it harder to concentrate. I grabbed her shoulders again. "Stop it, Nessie."

She pushed on my chest and pulled herself away from me. "Get off me. Maybe if you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd agree to just think about it."

"Why should I agree to that? I already know I don't want kids. Ever. They're stupid, smelly, grabby little bastards."

She wrapped her arms around her stomach. "God . . . How can you say that?"

"I can say that because it's true. I don't want any of the annoying little fuckers anywhere near me."

"Jacob, you're being an _asshole_!"

The word felt like a knife in my gut. She'd never said that before. I took a deep breath and a step backward. "It's about fucking time you understand that." I'd finally found her limit. Jesus Christ . . . I cleared my throat and refused to show my weakness. Instead, I turned around and went back to the bedroom to get my keys. I needed to get the fuck away from all this and just calm down. I hoped if I gave her some time, she'd stay.

She was sitting on the couch with her knees up by her chest when I went back out. She didn't look at me. I didn't expect her to. "I'll be back later." I didn't wait for an answer.

I drove around aimlessly for a while. I didn't want to bug Leah because I knew exactly what she'd say. If she wasn't knocked up, she might take my side. Now that she was, though, she'd only tell me it wouldn't be as bad as I'd thought. I stopped in front of a park and leaned my head back against the headrest. I had to think of some way to convince Nessie I was sorry without giving in. It was selfish of me to want her to stay when she wanted kids someday, but I really didn't fucking care. I loved her. I needed her.

A family with two young boys arrived, and I watched them walk over and spread a blanket out on the grass. The boys looked like they might be twins, somewhere between five and eight years old. One of them said something that obviously pissed the other one off, and he hit the first one. The mother didn't do anything, even when he started to cry. I rolled my eyes. What a good mom. Let them kill each other. Two less kids to worry about.

Dammit, I was an asshole.

No matter how hard I tried to come up with something, I kept going back to the same thing. I needed to say something to Ness to make her stay. I could agree to think about it, but it wasn't right to say it when I knew I really wouldn't. Maybe if she got a pet and she could take care of something, she wouldn't be so determined. I guess all I could do was ask.

I went back home a little while later. Nessie wasn't on the couch. I took a deep breath and went into the kitchen to stall. I put my keys on the counter just as she came down the hall. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen with her hands clasped in front of her. She was staring at her fingers. I still had a good view of her face, though, and it was obvious she'd been crying a lot. I felt like such a prick. I cleared my throat and walked the short distance to her. She looked up at me, and I touched her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Ness."

Tears filled her eyes again, and she pushed herself against me as her arms wrapped around my waist. "No, Jake, I'm sorry. You're not an asshole, and I'm so sorry I said that."

I held her tightly and kissed her head. "Stop, Ness. Please. We both know I am. I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, babe, but can we compromise? Maybe a pet?"

She pulled back and wiped her face. "A pet is not a baby. I don't understand, Jake. I know you don't like kids, but I'm not saying I want one right now. I just want you to think about it for the future. It can be in a few years, even. Please?"

I couldn't believe we were back here already. "No." I walked out to the living room and turned the TV on.

Nessie sat beside me and took the remote from my hand, turning it back off. "What if something happened like what Leah's going through? What if I got pregnant by accident?"

I furrowed my brow. "You better not fucking be planning anything."

She all but threw the remote when I tried to reach for it. "I'm not planning a goddamned thing, Jacob. I want to know what you would do if that happened. Would you throw me and your unborn child to the curb?"

I was beyond pissed. "You know me better than that, Ness."

"Do I?"

I met her eyes. She was seething. So was I. "What if I told you I'd rather be alone than be a father?"

Silence hung heavily between us for a few seconds. I didn't let myself say anything else as she got up and left the room. TV forgotten, I leaned forward on the couch. I felt physically sick as the words echoed in my head. I wouldn't ever throw her out, especially if she was pregnant. Although the idea that she very well could conceive by accident scared the shit out of me. Leah'd realized she forgot to take her birth control a few days in all the wedding planning chaos. It was her physical activities along with the times she did take the pill that had caused the problems with her placenta. Or so the doctors had told her. I wasn't ready to think about Ness in that situation.

I stayed there a while just thinking about everything. I knew she couldn't really understand what she was asking when she said she wanted a kid. She knew me. She'd known from the very beginning—before then, even; when we were still just friends—that it wasn't anything I wanted.

Ness finally came out of the bedroom at eight-thirty. I looked up at her, surprised to see her in her pajamas and her hair pulled up in a pony tail. She sniffled and stopped to look at me for a second before she went into the kitchen. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying. I sighed and got up to follow her.

"Ness . . ." I wasn't even sure what to say.

She held her hand up as she poured her unfinished water down the drain. "Not right now, Jacob. I'm tired. God, I'm so tired. I'm going to bed." She wiped her face. I wondered if she'd ever stopped crying in all the time she'd been in the bedroom. She looked up and met my eyes. "I love you."

I nodded. "I love you, too, Ness."

She let me hug her, but it was awkward. I followed her down the hallway and furrowed my brow when she turned into my dad's room. "Ness?"

She took a deep breath and turned to me. "I do love you, Jake. I love you so much it hurts. But I can't . . ." Her voice hitched, and she stopped to wipe her nose. "I can't be near you right now. Please. Just give me tonight."

This couldn't be happening. No matter how bad things had ever gotten before, she was always there. "Baby . . . that's our bedroom." I pointed to the right room. "Don't do this, Ness."

She shook her head, openly crying again. "I have to. You need space, and I need to sort through things. Please don't make this harder than it needs to be. Just tonight."

I stepped forward, and she backed into the room quickly. I met her eyes and stared at her for a few seconds. She'd never really been afraid of me before. No matter what I'd done, no matter how badly I'd ever fucked up, she'd never been scared. She was now, though. It was obvious in her eyes and the way she tried to avoid my touch. I nodded and moved back a few feet.

"Tonight."

She nodded and offered a sorry excuse of a smile before she blew me a kiss and shut the door. I heard the lock click into place.

I didn't feel like me as I dragged my feet into our bedroom. Had it been any other woman, I'd be thinking of ways to let her go. Talk of children was prohibited as far as I was concerned. But this was Ness, and I was already worried enough that I'd lost her. I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned forward. I couldn't see any possible way to fix this. She was as good as gone. I sank down to the floor, my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I had known all along that this would happen. It wasn't a question of if I'd go too far; it was a question of when. I felt the first tear slip down my nose and watched silently as it dropped to the floor. Earlier, on the couch and all the fighting beforehand, it hadn't seemed real. Now Nessie couldn't be near me because I scared her. There wasn't anything more real than that.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

I will say only two things: 1) Nessie is not pregnant, and 2) Do you really think I'd write this many chapters of learning to cope and falling in love to give you all an unhappy ending?

Oh, and I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85. Feel free to follow, even if only to yell at me.


	48. I'm Yours

A/N: I am humbled once again by the awesomeness of my readers. You guys are seriously the best bunch of readers any writer could ever ask for. Much love!

Hopefully this chapter meets expectations. Enjoy :)

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Seven

I'm Yours

_You healed these scars over time  
Embraced my soul; you loved my mind  
You're the only angel in my life_

_I may not have the softest touch  
I may not say the words as such  
And though I may not look like much  
I'm yours  
__And though my edges may be rough  
I never feel I'm quite enough  
It may not seem like very much  
But I'm yours_

-I'm Yours – The Script

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

How could I have ever been so stupid? Who was I to think that I could change Jake's mind? I knew from the moment the idea came into my head while I was talking to Leah that it was a bad one. After we'd hung up, I'd gone out to talk to my flowers for a few minutes and had somehow convinced myself to talk to Jake about one day having a child. Not once had the thought of Jake's ex-girlfriend who wanted children after only two months come to my mind.

As I laid on Billy's old bed and hugged the pillow to my chest, she was all I could think about. I couldn't remember her name exactly. Nancy or Natalie; something that started with N. The part I remembered was when he said he would have broken up with her if she hadn't left first.

Jake and I had been together two months. If I could go back, I'd slap some sense into myself. It was way too soon to bring that up. It didn't matter that I had only wanted him to think about it for the distant future, possibly after we got married. If we ever did. At the rate I was going, we wouldn't last that long.

I had never seen Jake get as angry at me as he had when we fought this time. If I was being honest with myself, I was a little afraid of pushing him too much further. It wasn't the reason I was in this room alone, though. I was scared, but not of him. What scared me the most was knowing that if I gave myself any more opportunities to talk to him, I'd only end up begging again, and the whole process would start over. I couldn't seem to stop. I knew he wasn't going to give in. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice; this was one topic he was not compromising on. If I kept pushing the way I knew I would if I let myself, I'd lose him.

I had so much to think about. When I was younger, a child was something I never thought I'd be able to have, because I never thought anyone would love me enough to touch me. I'd finally experienced that kind of love, but I still wouldn't ever know what it was like to be a mother. The threat I'd given to Jake about other men . . . it was only partially true. I knew now that Jake wasn't the only person who would take the opportunity if I gave it to them. Still, the thought of being with anyone else made my stomach churn. I had to consider if I wanted to completely give up any chance of being a mother to have Jake. My first instinct was to say that he was worth it. I didn't need children if I had him. How true that really was, I didn't know. It was another reason I couldn't let myself be near him. I owed it to him as well as myself to dig deep and find an honest answer.

* * *

She was there, just like she always was. She said the things she always said. I tried to hide from her, but of course she found me. She reminded me in that dead tone with breath that smelled like rotting flesh that I could never hide from myself. She slit my wrists and cut my throat, and I woke up screaming.

I sat up straight and realized I wasn't in the dream anymore, then I reached over for Jake. I froze; he wasn't there. After a moment of delirious confusion, I patted the sheets desperately, reaching out to the edge of the bed as if I'd find him hiding in a crevice of the sheet. I was out; I'd woken up. I shouldn't be alone! I scrambled to the far side of the bed and pressed my back against the wall. This wasn't real. Jake's bed wasn't against a wall. Everything was pitch dark, and I couldn't tell where I was. I closed my eyes tightly, even though there wasn't much of a difference between that and what I couldn't see in the room. When I opened them again, I tried to make out any kind of shape in the darkness. I reached out and felt the headboard, using it to work my way over to the other end of the bed. There was a table there. My fingers shook as I tried to find the lamp and turn it on.

There was no lamp. I was close to hyperventilating as I imagined all the things that would happen now. I felt tears wet my cheeks and tried to think of any reason I shouldn't be next to Jake. The fight we'd had the night before was a vague memory in all the chaos in my head. It had been real, hadn't it? He was real . . . I couldn't be back at my old house, stuck in my room without a lamp.

There was a thump outside the door. My heart skipped a beat as I turned toward the sound. This was it. All the times I'd woken up afraid that she would really be there were finally coming true. Something heavy slid down the wall. I couldn't breathe anymore.

"J . . ." Jake's name stuck in my throat. Oh, God, I couldn't make any sound. I wrapped my arms around myself as image after image of the dead me standing just outside the door with my dad's old pocket knife ran through my head. There was another low thump, then a knock on the door. My stomach twisted.

"Ness?"

My head snapped up toward the sound. It was Jake.

"You okay, babe?"

He sounded weird. Not muffled, but strained like he was having a hard time with the words. I forced myself to swallow the painful lump in my throat and took a deep breath. Reality began to seep in around the edges, and I remembered where I was. My whole body was still shaking as I climbed out of bed and stumbled to the door. My fingers fumbled with the lock, but finally I was able to open it.

Jake was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He looked up at me, and I sank to my knees. His eyes were wet with tear tracks down his cheeks. I'd seen him cry before, but never like this. It seemed wrong for someone so strong to shed these kinds of tears.

"Are you okay?" he asked again.

Everything seemed so stupid. I was stupid for staying away from him and for thinking that I was in the other house. I shook my head, a different emotion blocking my throat and making it impossible to speak. Relief and misery so deep I was drowning in it. He started to reach out for me but stopped mid-action. His hands fell back into his lap, clenched into tight fists. I knew it was my fault. I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned into him, desperate to have him hold me. He met my eyes, and my lips trembled as he leaned forward and grabbed me tightly around the waist. He pulled me into him, and I held him just as eagerly. My fingers hurt from their hold on the shirt I just now realized he was wearing. I could barely breathe thanks to his arms around me, but I didn't care. I was finally safe.

"I'm here, baby," he said softly, his voice thick. "I've got you."

I nodded as best as I could without moving my face from his neck. I lost track of how long we sat on the floor together. Slowly, the tenseness in my body began to melt away. As it did, my head started to spin and my eyes to droop. I snuggled into Jake's chest and took as deep a breath as his arms would allow.

Jake cleared his throat and kissed my head. "Ness?"

I didn't want to look up. I had no other choice. I kissed his neck just to say I'd gotten one kiss, then I leaned back. His arms finally loosened their hold on me, and he started to run his fingers through my hair.

"Are you okay, baby? What was it?"

I licked my lips. "It was me. When I woke up . . . I couldn't remember where I was or why you weren't beside me." My throat began to tense again as my eyes watered. "I was so scared."

He shifted under me but didn't try to get up. It was more like he was trying to get comfortable. "I'm right here."

"I know. God, Jake, I am so sorry. I wish—"

"Shh, baby. Not right now. Just calm down and let me hold you right now, okay? We have all day to figure the rest out."

He was right. I took a deep breath and nodded. "What time is it?"

He looked at his wrist, but he didn't have his watch on. "You started screaming at one o'clock, so I imagine it's probably about two or two-thirty."

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

His jaw clenched for a brief moment. "You didn't. I haven't been to sleep yet."

Guilt rocked through me. "Why not?"

He shrugged. "I've been thinking about shit. A lot. Trying to figure out how I can fix all this that I really don't want to talk about right now. Please, Ness, I just want to be here with you. Just you and me, not fighting."

It did sound nice. I nodded and leaned down to rest my head on his shoulder. It took me a few minutes to realize that we were still sitting on the floor in the hallway. "Shouldn't we go to bed?"

He leaned his head back, and it smacked against the wall. It sounded like the thump I'd heard earlier. "Dammit, Nessie. Fine; if you want to go back to bed, then go. I won't fucking stop you." His arms fell to his sides. I sat back in shock. His eyes were closed tightly, and he was breathing heavily.

I didn't understand what he meant. He couldn't be comfortable there on the floor. I wasn't, and I was on him. "Jake, I'm just tired."

He lifted one hand and quickly swiped away fresh tears that he obviously didn't want me to see. "I told you I won't stop you." He pushed me off his lap and stood up. I stared up at him, so confused. I realized then that he was still in his jeans. He hadn't changed at all other than to take off his shoes. He gestured harshly toward Billy's old room. "Go on, Ness. Go back to sleep and pretend this never fucking happened. I'll see you in the morning."

He walked away toward the kitchen, and I understood. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I saw exactly what I'd done the night before when I chose the other room. A part of me felt like crawling back into the room like the coward I was. I could go cry there and wish I'd done things differently. Another part was angry, both at myself and at Jake. I forced myself to stand up. Clutching at all my broken pieces, I went after him.

He was standing in the kitchen with his back to me, leaning over the sink. It wasn't on. His hands gripped the side of the counter so hard I could see the strain in his wrists and forearms. I had so many questions. I really only needed one answered, though.

"Why can't I sleep next to you, Jake?" I heard myself ask. I waited for him to turn around and pulverize whatever remained of me.

He didn't turn. He didn't even answer for several long seconds. Finally, he sniffled and took a deep breath. "Why can't you stand to be near me, Ness?"

My brow furrowed. "Last night I had to think about a lot of things. My head gets so clouded when I'm close to you, and I just want to give in. I had to make sure I could make the right decision for me."

"And did you?"

"No. I don't know. I haven't made any decisions yet." I hated the way he made me talk to his back.

"So everything we are together still hangs in the balance?" He made it sound like the outcome of us splitting up was inevitable.

"Will you please turn around, Jake?"

He did, but he didn't move away from the sink or even look in my direction. He kept his head down, staring at his feet. "Why do you even want to sleep next to me if I make it so hard for you to think?"

"Because I love you. You said yourself that you didn't want to talk about any of this; you just wanted it to be you and me without fighting. That's what I want, too. We have all day, remember?"

He shrugged. "That's what I thought. But if you're tired, go on back to bed."

"You are making no sense, Jacob."

Finally he looked up. If he didn't look so sad, the anger in his eyes would have scared me. "I'm not making sense? I'm not the one constantly changing my mind, Nessie." His voice began to rise, and I noticed his hands grip the counter behind him harder. "You can't stand to be near me, then you're scared when I'm not there. You want to be with me, but you don't. You want to have a fucking _baby_ with a man who can't control his goddamn temper. I'm not the one who doesn't make any fucking sense!"

I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. Everything he'd said was true. It was clear to me as he stood there clenching and unclenching his jaw that I'd ruined any chance of having any peace or even laying with him for a while. It hurt because I had thought he wanted that. I'd been wrong, of course. My assumptions where he was concerned were very rarely right. I licked my lips and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry." I really needed to figure myself out. "I love you."

"Yeah. Me too." He turned back around, and I knew the conversation was over.

I felt like the bitch of the century for what I'd done to Jake. No matter how angry I was at him, it was no reason to push him away. I stole another glance at him before I forced myself to turn around and go back down the hall. I wanted to lie down in Jake's bed. I stopped by his door and stared into the dark room. I wasn't sure if he was going to try to sleep at all. If he did, I didn't want him to think he couldn't sleep in his own bed because I was there. I took a few deep breaths and ignored the churning in my stomach as I crossed the hall to the guest room. I didn't shut the door.

I all but collapsed onto the bed and grabbed the pillow. When was I going to learn to just take things as they were with Jake instead of being greedy and trying to push for things I knew I couldn't have? With or without Jake, I'd never be a mother. Even if another man would be willing to fuck me, no one would ever love me the way he did. No one else would put up with all of my crazy the way he did.

I didn't go back to sleep. I heard Jake come down the hall sometime later. He went in his room and muttered a curse. Something got thrown. Whatever it was clunked heavily when it hit the ground. He crossed the hall, and I quickly closed my eyes to pretend I was asleep. He didn't stay long. I figured he was probably just checking to make sure I was really here. I felt bad for hurting him again, but this time it wasn't a matter of choice. It seemed I only upset him, and I didn't want to start fighting again.

As I laid there trying to hear anything Jake might be doing, my thoughts began to wander. I thought about other arguments we'd had. I knew he was having a hard time with his bipolar mania. It very well could have had more to do with what happened than my choice of topic. All the same, the things that stood out the most were the times he left for whatever reason. It didn't seem fair that he could leave when he needed to think about things, but I was expected to just be there and be okay. Jake wasn't the only one who got angry or upset, and he wasn't the only one who needed time to calm down.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized Jake hadn't been right in the kitchen. I had a right to be confused and change my mind. It wasn't like I told him we were through, then came crawling back the next day. I only wanted room to think.

It wasn't something I'd needed much of before. Not too long ago, I would have given in to whatever he said just because he said it. I truly loved him, and I wanted him in my life forever, but he was just going to have to accept the fact that I had my own opinion. I wasn't going to give in to him every time; sometimes he was going to have to be the one to cave. Or at least compromise.

I still wanted to have a baby someday. I couldn't give up on that dream entirely. I could put it on the back burner for now, though, and focus on fixing my relationship with Jake. I really hoped that if I waited until he was stable again, he might consider just thinking about the distant possibility of a child.

* * *

When I got up, it was almost nine o'clock. Jake was asleep on his bed, still in his jeans and t-shirt. I took a deep breath and walked into the room. He was spread diagonally across the bed on his back, one leg hanging off. His toes were touching the floor. I wished I was strong enough to push his leg back up and make him comfortable without waking him up. Instead, I sat next to his head and carefully smoothed his hair down. Even in his sleep, he looked weary. My fingertips danced lightly down his temple to his cheek. Rough stubble scratched and tickled at the same time. I imagined his eyes opening, so dark and full of love. It made mine water. I didn't know how much more we'd have to put each other through before he'd kiss me again. The thought that it could be a while made me lean down and lightly cover his lips with mine. I wished so hard for him to kiss me back. He didn't.

"I love you," I whispered. "I love you so much, Jacob Black." I kissed him one more time, then I made myself get up and leave the room.

I made some toast so I could take my medicine. It was the first time in a long while I could remember getting my own pills. I got Jake's out, too, and just set them on the counter like he'd done for me in the past. Afterward, I picked a random book from the bookcase and sat on the couch to read it. It didn't take long to realize I didn't have the patience to read. My head was too clouded. I put the book back and turned on the television. It felt nice to flip through the channels mindlessly, not paying enough attention to really see what was on.

An hour later, Jake emerged from the bedroom. I was still channel surfing. The moment I heard him grunt, my stomach tightened. I pushed the button on the remote faster and stared intently at the TV screen. He stopped when he reached the end of the hallway and just stood there. I chanced a glance at him to find him staring at me.

"Hey," he said softly.

I nodded. "Hey."

He took a breath and went into the kitchen. I listened to him getting some water and taking the pills I'd set out for him. After a few minutes, he came back into the room.

"What are you watching?"

I hadn't realized I'd stopped changing the channel. I looked over and shrugged. There was a commercial for men's shampoo. "I don't know."

He nodded. "Can I watch with you?"

I didn't hesitate on my answer. "Yes." I sat up a little straighter for him.

I was a little afraid things would be awkward between us. Jake put his arm across the back of the couch behind me, and I wondered if it might have been an invitation. I scooted a little closer and made a half-formed attempt at leaning into him when his arm came down around my shoulders and pulled me in. I snuggled closer and kissed his neck.

"I love you, Ness." He pressed his lips to my forehead for a few seconds, his arm squeezing me.

I smiled contentedly and pulled back when he let me. "I love you, too, Jake." I looked at him and reached up to touch his jaw. He kissed my lips and hugged me again. I rested against him with my ear against his chest. His fingers started to play with the ends of my hair. I listened half-heartedly to the TV and whatever drama was playing out. The music was louder than anything else, then someone screamed.

"It's _CSI_," Jake said. "I think I've seen this episode before. It's pretty good."

I really didn't care what it was as long as we weren't fighting and I could be close to him. The show was good, though, until a couple came in to identify their dead teenaged son. The investigator character pulled open a drawer in the morgue, and the body was covered in a white sheet.

I saw it all flash through my mind in an instant. The hallway, those double doors, and the white sheet over the body on the table. Before the sheet was even drawn back over the boy's face, Jake took the remote and turned the TV off.

"I'm sorry, Nessie." He made me look at him. "Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that. Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath and met his eyes. So dark and full of love and concern. I nodded as best as I could. "I think so."

"Come here, babe," he said as he pulled me onto his lap.

I went without question and wrapped my arms around his neck. I remembered the safety plan and awareness techniques. As I clung to him, I focused on my breathing and his heartbeat under my ear. I cried a few tears, but it was nothing like the all-consuming pain I'd experienced in the past.

Neither Jake nor I said anything for a while. Without the distraction of the television, I was honestly afraid to open my mouth. I knew we did need to talk, though. I preferred to have this moment while I could. It wasn't even noon yet; we had time. I lightly combed my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck and committed every sensation to memory. His warmth wrapped around me like a blanket, his arms holding me protectively, his tangy scent, his heartbeat, his stubble scratching my forehead a little . . . all of it. I stared at his neck, amused by the way his Adam's apple stuck out. I brought my arm around his shoulder, lightly tracing the neckline of his t-shirt until I reached the front. I smiled to myself and lifted one finger to lightly touch his skin. Mine seemed almost paper white against his. I made an invisible line from his jaw back down to his shirt. He shivered, and his arms tightened around me. I smiled again and nuzzled closer to kiss the spot just above the neckline.

"I love you, Ness," he said softly. His voice rumbled against me.

I kissed him again. "I love you, too, Jake."

He looked down at me and kissed my nose. "What do you want to do today?"

It seemed he wanted to avoid the serious conversation for now. I couldn't blame him. I shrugged. "I don't know."

"How's your garden coming? Think you're ready for some more flowers?" He started to rub my back.

Something about the way he'd asked sounded strange. He usually called them weeds. "Yeah, I could plant some more."

He patted my hip. "Let's go get some, then."

I slid off his lap, a little wary. He kissed my lips, then took my hand and led the way down the hall. He took a shower while I got dressed.

We were masters of avoidance throughout the rest of the day. Neither of us said anything about what had happened the night before. A strange, awkward distance still managed to creep in if we were silent for too long. I planted the four medium-sized flowers Jake had bought for me, then went in and took a shower for myself. I wished I could take one with him. The thought of washing the dirt off reminded me of the last time we'd made love. My body began to throb in the best way as the water sprayed down. It didn't feel right to touch myself. I tried, but my stomach twisted in a weird way. I wanted Jake to do it. Or, I at least wanted him to finish it for me. Instead of helping myself to relieve some tension, I cut off the water and got out.

Jake and I watched the third _Lord __of __the __Rings_ movie, and I agreed with him that it was the best of the trilogy. We scrounged for dinner, neither of us willing to brave the tension it would create if we cooked together. After we ate, we finally admitted we were getting tired.

My chest felt tight with nervous anticipation as we got ready for bed. I stood by the side of the bed and watched Jake climb in. It had been a long time since he'd gone to bed with a shirt on. He turned to look at me with a strange expression on his face.

"Are you coming?" he asked. He lifted the blanket for me.

I smiled and nodded, then I got in next to him. His arm wrapped under and around me, pulling me close to him. He checked his alarm and turned off the lamp.

"Goodnight, Nessie." He kissed my head and settled down.

I kissed his neck. "Goodnight."

Instead of dwelling on the bazaar feeling that we were just making things worse, I closed my eyes and tried to relax.

* * *

The next morning wasn't much better. A part of me was convinced that we needed to sit down and really talk about everything. I didn't need to prove to him that babies were great. We didn't even need to come to an agreement on that yet. All I wanted was a chance to explain that I was sorry for bringing it up when I did and causing all this. I wanted him to explain to me why he got so upset the night before when I suggested we go to bed.

None of that happened. Instead, Jake was acting like he wanted to forget anything bad had happened at all. We ate some pop tarts for breakfast, then we got each others' pills. He kissed me and finished getting ready for work. I got another kiss before he left, then he was gone.

I stood in the middle of the living room trying to decide what to do next. I tried to tell myself that it was better this way; we didn't need to hash everything out and continue the fighting. I loved him, and I wanted to forgive him. I stalled for a while, watching random TV shows until I got bored with it. I ate lunch at noon, then cleaned up the house starting with the kitchen. Everything but the laundry was done by one o'clock.

I walked down the hallway to start gathering up the dirty clothes. My clothes that had been muddy from the garden reminded me again of the last time we'd made love. I wondered when it would happen again. If we were pretending everything was fine, maybe tonight.

The thought of making love made me think of the question I'd asked Jake. What if I got pregnant by accident? I knew Leah wasn't the only person it had ever happened to. His answer made my stomach churn and my hands start to shake. He'd rather be alone.

I wanted to know if that was really true. If it was, then I wasn't sure I could ever make love with him again. The fear that I could get pregnant and end up alone with a child was overpowering. If it wasn't . . . I was still nervous about it.

I knew one person who could answer that for me. If it wasn't possible to talk to Jake about it without yelling again, I'd talk to Leah. I shut the lid to the washer and started it, then went to get the phone.

"Hey, Nessie," Leah answered. "How are you?"

I licked my lips. "I, um . . . well, I've been better. How are you?"

"I'm good. What's up?"

"I . . . Have you talked to Jake at all recently?"

She hesitated. "No, I haven't. Everything okay?"

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I don't know. I mean, he's fine. He's at work. We just . . . we had a fight." My eyes watered, and I wondered if this was a bad idea. I didn't want to rehash everything, and I could just imagine her confirming everything Jake had said. It could all be true. My stomach turned. I tried to take a few deep breaths.

"Are you all right, Nessie? What did you fight about?" She sounded really concerned.

I couldn't bring myself to say it. I closed my eyes and gave up. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Leah; it was probably stupid of me to call you."

"No, no. Nessie, wait. I can't go anywhere, but do you want to come here and talk? I can ask Sam to come get you." She muttered something I couldn't make out, like she was talking to someone beside her. "He said he'll do it. Do you want to?"

I wiped my eyes and gave in again. "Yeah, that would be great."

"Okay. He'll be over in a second. See you soon, Ness."

"Yeah."

We hung up, and I almost panicked for a few minutes. I got dressed and made sure I had everything with me that I needed. By the time I was ready, Sam showed up. The drive was awkward. I couldn't remember one time in all the months I'd known Jake that Sam and I had been alone together. Neither of us said anything other than basic pleasantries. He asked if I was okay, and I assured him I was. I'm sure it was painfully obvious that I wasn't. He didn't push or prod like Jacob would have.

Leah was already in the basement when we got there. She got up and gave me a hug, then sat down on the couch. Sam sat next to her, and I sat on her other side.

"What's going on, honey?" she asked me. "You've been crying."

I wiped my face and sighed. "It's just stupid stuff."

She nodded. "All fights are when you don't want to talk about them. I'll bet you twenty bucks it's really not."

I smirked. "I guess you're right. I was really stupid, though. I tried to convince Jake to do something he doesn't want to do. My timing was spectacular, too."

She pursed her lips. "He's upset again?"

I nodded. "To put it lightly."

She laughed. "Yeah. What did you try to convince him to do?"

I shook my head like it wasn't that big of a deal, but she wouldn't let me keep it to myself. I'd come this far, and it was obviously bothering me. I surrendered and told her everything, from the very first question right up until I called her. It took a long while, but Leah never acted like she was getting bored or annoyed by my story.

"Do you really think he'd kick me out if I got pregnant?" I finally asked.

She reached out to pet my hair. "No, I don't. Jacob is a lot of things, Nessie. He can be an asshole of epic proportions, but he wouldn't do that."

I sniffled and wiped my eyes. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I'm very sure."

"Has he always been so certain he would never have kids?"

"Yes; at least as long as I've known him. He's—" Leah's phone began to ring, interrupting what she was about to say. She reached out to get it, but Sam was faster. He smiled and handed it to her. She gave me a pointed look before she answered. I wondered what that was about.

"Hey, Jake," she said with another glance at me. I could hear his voice, but I couldn't make out any words. "Jake . . . Okay. Jacob, calm down. Nessie is sitting on my couch right now, safe and sound."

I licked my lips and looked across the room at the clock on the wall. I hadn't realized it was already five o'clock. Leah soon hung up and sighed. "You didn't leave him a note or call him or anything, did you?"

I didn't look at her as I shook my head. "I didn't think about it."

"Well, he's on his way. And I have to say he's not very happy."

My brow furrowed. "He is so unfair sometimes." I pulled my knees in tighter.

Leah cocked her head to the side. "Yeah, he can be. Why is he unfair this time?"

"He can run away from any situation, and I have no idea where he goes. He just says he'll be back sometime. He left for over an hour Friday night. He can't find me one time, and he's pissed. He doesn't have to know where I am all the damn time."

She patted my knee. "Honey, listen. I didn't say he was pissed; I said he's not very happy. And he's not, because he was worried about you. It's not because he has to know where you are all the time; it's because he loves you and cares enough to worry when he doesn't know if you're safe or if you're out killing yourself in the sun."

I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that what she'd said made sense. "I worry about him, too, when he leaves."

"Of course you do, Ness."

"He has to know what that does to me, doesn't he? From the moment he walks out until he comes back, all I can think about is what if something happens to him." It was a completely unrelated issue, but I was upset about it anyway.

"Who's to say that's not exactly how he felt when you weren't home when he got there? On top of that, Jake has a phone you can call if you want to check on him. You don't. I know Jacob, Nessie. I know him better than anyone, including you. He's not coming over here because he has to be where you are or know your every move. He's coming here because you scared the shit out of him, and he needs physical reassurance that you're okay. That's how he is. If he can't see for himself that you're safe, he'll keep worrying until he makes himself sick."

I didn't like thinking that she knew him better than I did, but deep down I knew it was true. I pursed my lips and rested my chin on my knees. I also didn't want to admit that I felt really bad for making Jake worry about me. I should have thought to leave a note. I knew exactly how I felt when I didn't know where Jake was.

Leah rubbed my shoulder. "Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? Everyone makes mistakes."

Yeah, but more than anyone else, I should have known better.

A knock on the door upstairs interrupted my self-loathing. "Leah? Ness?" Jake hollered as he walked in.

"We're downstairs, Jake," Leah called.

I listened to his footsteps as he came down the stairs. Before I realized what I was doing, my legs straightened, and I stood up. Jake picked me up by the waist and hugged me tightly. I squeezed my arms around his neck just as hard and closed my eyes. I still felt so safe and loved in his arms, no matter what we might be dealing with. In that moment before he set me back down, I realized why I hadn't left a note. It was manipulative and probably vindictive. I wanted to see just how upset he would be if I wasn't there. Knowing that he needed me like this felt so good.

I didn't know what I was expecting when he put me down. As soon as my feet hit the carpet, though, his hands moved to my shoulders with a grip so tight I wouldn't have been surprised if he left indentations.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Nessie?" he demanded.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I wasn't thinking. I just needed to talk to someone." I looked over at Leah standing next to Jake with her hand on his arm.

"A note, Nessie. A fucking message would have been nice."

"Jacob, calm down," Leah said, tugging his arm a little. "Come talk to me."

Jake lifted his arm to push her off of him. It happened so fast I wasn't sure what she could have tripped on, but she started to fall backward. I reached out to her, and I think Jake did, too. Before either of us could reach her, Sam was behind her helping her catch her balance. Once she was steady, he all but lifted her out of the way and pushed Jake's shoulder so hard he let go of me and took a step backward.

"You damn well better get a hold of your temper around my wife, Jacob. A fall like that could kill the baby, and you know it."

Everyone was so quiet I could hear my own heartbeat as it thudded against my chest. Sam was a hair or two shorter than Jacob, but in that moment, protecting Leah and their child, he seemed so much stronger. Leah was standing next to me, and together we glanced between the men. Jacob was staring at his feet. I assumed he was counting to calm down. The stress in the air made the brief moment feel like hours before he nodded and looked up at Sam.

"You're right. I'm sorry." He moved his gaze to Leah. "I really am sorry, Leah."

She squeezed my hand before she went to Jake. "I know. Come on."

He went with her up the stairs. I wasn't sure what they were going to talk about or if I even wanted to know.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

His voice startled me. I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

It was a little surprising how quickly I felt out of place and awkward. Either Sam didn't feel the same or he was really good at hiding it. He sat down on the couch and laughed a little.

"I never have really understood their relationship," he said. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself. I was still standing in the middle of the room facing him. I swallowed thickly, unsure if I should say anything back. "The first time I met him, when Leah introduced us, I really thought she was introducing me to her brother. The way they act, the way they talk to each other; it's like siblings. I could see in her eyes and every movement she made that she loved him. When she said they were just friends, I hated him instantly." He laughed again.

I licked my lips. I was pretty sure he was talking to me. "Because she loves him?" I asked.

He looked at me and nodded. "Yeah. If she loved him like that, she couldn't love me. It didn't take long for me to realize that she didn't love him the way I thought she did. There was still that chance, though. Even now, it's a little weird to see how they act like brother and sister. She's the same way with Seth, but Seth's the little brother. She's protective of him in a way she doesn't need to be with Jake." He took a deep breath and looked up at me again. "You can sit down if you want. I don't bite."

I glanced toward the staircase before I sat down next to Sam. I smiled uneasily and shifted a few times. "I don't think I've ever really been worried about him with her." I felt like I was forcing myself to talk. I needed to say something.

"You started out friends with him, though. Leah and I . . . we . . . y'know, we were _together_ the first night I met her." He emphasized the word as if I wouldn't know what he was talking about. I nodded to let him know I did. He shifted like he was uncomfortable talking about his sex life. Honestly, I really didn't want to hear it. He cleared his throat. "So you really love him."

It wasn't a question, but I answered anyway. "Yeah, I do."

"Every couple fights and has arguments."

"I know. Not every couple lasts through them, though." I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them as I rested my chin on my knees. "I want to say that Jake and I will, but honestly I don't know."

Sam reached over and started to rub my back. "You know what I think?"

I turned my head to look at him, resting my cheek on my knees. "No; what do you think?"

He gestured with his head toward the staircase. "I think he's scared."

My brow furrowed. "Scared of what?"

"He's bipolar, right? He loses his temper really easily. My sister has two kids, and I know one thing you need a lot of to raise a child is patience. When he's in one of his moods, he doesn't have that. I think he's afraid he'd lose his temper around a kid. Did he ever tell you about his dog, Ruby?"

I nodded. "Yeah." Sam's theory made sense to me in a way. I shuddered at the thought of Jake hurting a child. "He's never said anything about that, though. He says he doesn't like kids."

Sam pulled me closer to him and patted my arm. It hurt a little where Jake had grabbed me before. "Why do you need patience to raise a child? Because they make mistakes, they make messes, and they make a lot of noise. I could be wrong, Nessie. Obviously I've never talked to Jake about this. It just makes sense to me. But I think if he had better control of himself on a more constant level and had more patience to deal with mistakes, messes, and noise, he probably wouldn't be as adamant about never having a baby."

What he said gave me hope. "You really think so?" I asked, looking up at him.

He smiled and nodded. "Yes."

"Thanks, Sam."

He leaned forward and hugged me lightly. "He's rough around the edges, Nessie, but he's a good man. Give him some time."

I nodded and hugged him back. "I will."

We were both quiet for a minute. I wasn't sure what else to say, although I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I had earlier. Before either of us could come up with any great conversation starters, I heard footsteps on the stairs. Jake turned the corner looking calmer than he had when he left. He stopped when he saw me sitting next to Sam with his arm around my shoulders. For a moment, I swear Jake looked like he was going to kill someone. He cleared his throat and held out his hand.

"Ness." His teeth were clenched.

I smiled nervously at Sam and got up to take Jake's hand. "Sam and I were talking while you were upstairs."

He nodded and kissed my head, then turned to Sam. He seemed to have recovered from whatever happened a moment ago. "Leah's still on the couch upstairs. She said her stomach's hurting and didn't want to walk anymore."

Sam stood up. "I'll get her to bed."

Jake squeezed my hand lightly. "You ready to go home?" I nodded. "Good. Leah wants to say goodbye."

"Okay."

We followed Sam up the stairs. Leah had her hands clasped on her lap and her head resting against the back of the couch. She smiled when we walked in.

"I'll see you guys later," she said as she reached out for me. I leaned down and gave her a hug, and she whispered in my ear. "Make sure he talks to you tonight." She kissed my cheek.

"Okay," I whispered back. My stomach was already in knots.

The ride home was silent. I wasn't eager to make him talk about anything. I was curious to know what he and Leah had talked about, though. I didn't start to feel uneasy until we walked into the house. A part of me wanted to go right into conversation, but another part wanted to stall forever. Jake was tense. He didn't even look at me as he sat down and took his boots off. After he set them aside, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. I just stood there and watched him, wondering what I should do next.

Every second that passed seemed to create another knot in my stomach. I silently urged myself to just say something. Anything. It didn't matter if it even made sense; one of us had to break this silence or we'd never get anywhere. Finally, Jake looked up at me.

"Come sit down, babe," he said softly. He gestured toward the spot next to him.

My stomach twisted so hard I thought I might get sick. I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my head and my throat. I swallowed, took a deep breath, then went to sit next to him. Without a word, he took my hand and stared at it for several seconds. I stared with him. I noticed a tiny cut on his right forefinger. His hands were a little dirty like they usually were when he got home from work. They were rough and calloused, but they were still so gentle. His thumb rubbed my fingers, and I marveled at how much larger his hands were than mine. I'd never really thought about it before. My slender fingers looked so fragile and breakable next to his strong ones.

"You know I love you, Nessie," he said.

I looked up, but he was still looking at our hands. "I know."

He sighed. "What did you and Sam talk about?" His brow furrowed.

I swallowed. "He, um . . . he said he still didn't really understand your relationship with Leah. Then he said . . ." I really didn't want to say it. I didn't want to throw us back into the ring. Jake looked at me then, his eyes dark and curious. "He said he thought you might be afraid to have kids."

His eyebrows grew closer together. "Afraid?"

"It was just his theory. I don't know . . . are you? He said he thought that because of what happened with Ruby."

He met my eyes, and I could see the confusion in his. His fingers were tense around mine, and his breathing was hard. "Ruby? He thinks I'm afraid . . . Of course he'd think that." He shook his head.

So it wasn't true. My eyes watered as I literally felt whatever hope I'd had fall away. I shrugged. "It was just a thought."

"Well it was a stupid one." He took a deep breath. "Jesus . . . this is already getting out of hand. Nessie, Leah told me why you went over there. I'm sorry about what I said before. If something happened . . . if you got pregnant or whatever, I wouldn't kick you out. I don't hate kids. I don't like them, either, and I still don't want one. I'm just saying if, by some freak occurrence, you did end up knocked up, we'd work around it."

I smiled and wiped my face. "Thank you, Jake."

He leaned back and pulled me up close to him. "Yeah. I'm sorry this whole thing got so out of hand. I know you want a family, Ness. I just . . . I can't."

I kissed his shoulder and turned to get a little closer. I really wanted to push the issue, but I knew it wouldn't get us anywhere. Instead, I closed my eyes and nodded. "Okay."

He looked down at me. "Okay?"

I pulled back. "Yeah. Okay. I'm not going to push it anymore, Jake. I don't want to fight."

He seemed hesitant for a second before he hugged me lightly. "I don't want to either. Are you really okay with that?"

Something tugged hard in my chest, and I shook my head. "No, I'm not. But I'm not going to beg anymore when I know it'll only get us both upset again. I love you, Jake. I'm sorry for pushing so hard when I did before. I should have known better than to bring it up at all when you were upset."

Jake made me look up at him and kissed my lips. "I forgive you, babe. Can you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I forgive you."

He smiled and kissed me again. "Can I ask you something?" I nodded. "I'm glad you went to talk to Leah today. I really am happy that you feel comfortable enough to do that. If you do it again, though, please leave me a note. You can even call me and leave a voicemail if I don't answer. I almost had a meltdown when I came home and you weren't here."

I got up and crawled onto his lap. He held me tightly as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I promise I won't run off again without letting you know somehow. I really am sorry for doing that."

He squeezed me tightly. "It's okay as long as it never happens again."

I smiled and nuzzled my face against him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He started to play with my hair.

"Last night, after I woke up from that nightmare . . . in the hallway, I asked you if we should go to bed. I'm still confused; why did you get so upset?" I leaned back to look at him.

He sighed. "Because I didn't understand what you were asking, and I was too tired and pissed off to think clearly about it. You asked if we should go to bed, and I thought you meant you wanted to go lay in my dad's room again, not with me." He stopped and hesitated a moment before he continued. "I walked away and figured you'd gone to lay down. When you asked me why you couldn't sleep with me, it didn't register what you were really asking. It was all a big misunderstanding, and I didn't have the balls to admit I might have been wrong."

"It wasn't all your fault, Jake. I gave up." I snuggled up to him again and kissed his neck. We were both quiet for a few more minutes. This time it was peaceful; just the two of us together. I thought back to the look Jake had given to Sam when he came back from his talk with Leah. As I speculated different reasons for his hostility, I started to play with the neckline of his shirt. "Jake?"

He kissed my head. "Yeah, baby?"

"Why were you so mad at Sam earlier when you came to get me?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, that. I'm not used to seeing you so close to other guys, Ness."

I furrowed my brow. "But that's Sam."

"That doesn't matter. It wouldn't matter if it was Seth or any of his brothers. It probably would have been worse, actually. It was you in another man's arms. After all this the last few days, it got to me."

"I'm sorry—"

He shook his head. "Don't be, babe. That was me; you didn't do anything wrong. Sam's uptight sometimes. A lot of the time. But I know he loves Leah, and I know he knows he'd lose a lot more than just his balls if he betrayed her or touched you."

I smiled. "So you're not upset I talked to him?"

"I don't have any reason to be. I may not agree with what he says, but I do like that you have people you trust that you can talk to." He hugged me tightly again. "I love you."

I nuzzled my nose against his neck. "I love you, too. One more thing?" He nodded. I stared at my fingers on his shirt. "What I said about other guys—"

He tensed up. "No, Nessie. It's okay."

I sat up and shook my head. "No, it's not okay. I said that deliberately to hurt you, and I'm sorry."

"I forgive you, baby."

"Thank you. What time is it?"

He looked at his watch. "About seven. You hungry?"

"Yeah."

After one more squeeze, he helped me stand up. We went to the kitchen together to figure out what to have for dinner.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading!

Question for my fabulous readers: I have Jake's full conversation with Leah written, but it will not make it into the story. I'd like to know how many of you are interested in reading it. I can either email to a few select people or I can post an outtake, depending on the response. To ensure you get to read it if you're interested, please PM me with your contact info. You can also hit me up on Twitter, (at)SheeWolf85


	49. The Great Divide

A/N: I didn't think I'd be able to get this up before Christmas, but I'm glad I did! Merry Christmas, guys! Or whatever you celebrate :)

Although I will do my best, I think it would be wise to just say don't expect the next update before next year. Sad, I know. Holidays are hampering my writing time, but I promise I will still try :)

Not much else to say. I'm a wee bit nervous about this chapter, but I really like it a lot. I hope you guys like it, too. Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Eight

The Great Divide

_No __more __throwing __stones __tonight.  
This __glass __house __can't __take __the __fight.  
Help __me __calm __this __hurricane.  
Before __this __moment __slips __away.  
Are __you __listening?  
Don't __look __away.  
Hear __me __say,  
I __need __you __now._

-The Great Divide – Emmy Rossum

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

Despite the headway that Jake and I had made, it was still awkward going to bed that night. Jacob kept his shirt on again, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to take it off. Instead, I snuggled up to him and kissed his neck.

"I love you, Jake," I said softly.

He kissed my forehead. "I love you, too, Ness. Sleep well."

I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd had my eyes closed for minutes instead of hours. I didn't feel rested at all; I was still tense and worn out. Jake and I got up and got each others' medicine like usual, then he had to get ready for work. He kissed me before he left. I stood in the room for a few minutes like I had the day before, just trying to decide what to do with myself.

I restarted the laundry from the day before and thought about everything that had happened. I still felt like there was so much that needed to happen between Jake and me before we could go back to being normal. I wasn't sure if we could get back to how we were before, though. Thing had changed between us, that was for sure. Whether it was a good change or a bad one, I couldn't tell. After I'd turned over the laundry, I took a hot bath and tried to just relax. As I lay soaking, I looked down at my stomach. I wondered what it would be like to be pregnant. My hands covered my lower belly. I remembered Leah doing the same thing and Sam covering her hand with his. I closed my eyes and imagined Jake holding me and smiling because I was carrying his child.

I couldn't deny that I was jealous of Leah. And of Sam, a little. Leah had everything that I had wanted since I was a little girl; she had a husband who loved her and a baby on the way. Although she'd fought it, she'd given in to what Sam wanted. I wondered if that was the reason I pushed Jake so hard. Sam got his happily ever after; where was mine?

I thought back to what Sam had said about Jake. It made so much sense to me, but Jake had said it was a stupid idea. He didn't tell me if there was a different reason, though, so I couldn't be sure if there was one or if he was just being stubborn again. I should have known he wouldn't admit to being afraid of something like that. I still wished I knew for sure.

After I got out of the tub and folded the laundry, I took the blanket from the bed and went to curl up on the couch with it while I watched a movie. It took me a while to decide on one to watch, but finally I picked out _The __Matrix_. After I got it set up, I wrapped the blanket around myself and snuggled with a pillow.

I couldn't remember anything about the movie. I knew I'd seen at least the first few minutes before I fell asleep, but when I woke up, the screen was blank. I felt better, though; less exhausted. My stomach gurgled at me, so I got up and put the movie away before I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I was surprised to find it was already three o'clock. I snacked on some fruit to keep my stomach happy until Jake got home. I remade the bed, then went back to the kitchen to decide on something to make for dinner.

I ended up making some breaded chicken with Alfredo pasta. The pasta was done at four-thirty, but the chicken took an extra fifteen minutes. Jake hadn't gotten home by the time I turned the stove off and got some plates down. I set the table and got some drinks. At five o'clock, I started to get curious. It wasn't entirely abnormal for Jake to get home so late, but it didn't happen often. I wasn't sure what to do with myself as I waited. I thought about calling him, but I didn't want to bug him if he was driving.

At five-fifteen, he finally got home. I was a little taken aback by how relieved I was when the door opened. I met him in the living room, and he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Hey, baby," he said as he kissed the top of my head. "Sorry I'm late; my dumbass boss came by when I was supposed to get off."

I smiled. "It's okay. Welcome home."

He pulled back and kissed my lips. "Thanks. Something smells good."

"I made dinner."

He kissed me again. "You're too good to me, Ness."

He helped me move the food to the table, then we sat down to eat. "How was your day?" I asked.

He smirked. "Boring as fuck. If I had my way, I'd have the client come check the place out now just to get it off my hands. Contractor would miss out on the extra pay, though, so of course he won't do it."

"Is that why he came down today?"

"No. This is really good, by the way." He stabbed a piece of chicken and used it to scoop up some noodles. I watched him and admired the way the sauce stuck to the the sides of his lips. I wanted to lick it off for him. He spoke again after he'd swallowed. "He came down today to talk about the foreman job again. I told him to go to hell. He didn't like that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I won't be working for him anymore. I'll finish this job, but he doesn't want to hear from me again. I'm fine with that. He's been a decent boss so far, but like most everyone else in the business, he gets his panties in a bunch when he doesn't get his way."

I had to smile. "He'll come crawling back to you in time."

He snorted. "I hope not. How was your day, baby?"

I shrugged. "Not bad. I finished the laundry and tried to watch a movie. I ended up taking a nap instead."

He nodded. We finished eating, then he helped me clean everything up. He turned to me in the kitchen and pinned me against the counter with his arms on either side of me. I looked up at him and put my hands on his chest. He leaned down and kissed me softly.

"I love you, Nessie." He spoke against my lips, and it made me shiver.

"I love you, too."

He kissed me again, harder this time. My hands slid up to his shoulders as he opened his mouth and licked my lips as if to taste them. It felt like it had been forever since the last time we had really made out. I wanted to do it now, but even opening my mouth and licking his lips like he'd done mine, he didn't take it further. He gave me one last, closed mouth kiss, then he pulled back. I stared up at him in confusion.

"I need to take a shower, baby. I'll be right back."

He walked away after one more kiss, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I stared after him wondering what just happened. A part of me wanted to chase him and ask to take one with him, but another part was afraid to. I didn't want to get turned down, but even worse was I knew what he would think if I did ask. I wanted to be near him and kiss him, but I wasn't sure if I could make love with him yet. There was still so much we needed to talk about and get straightened out. Instead of going after him, I put the clean dishes away and went to sit on the couch to wait for him.

It could have just been my perception, but it felt like forever before Jake came back. He was in a pair of sweats and his black wife beater tank top. I felt so stupid when my eyes watered and my chest hurt. It shouldn't have bothered me one bit, but I was disappointed in a weird way I wasn't sure I even understood. He sat next to me and rubbed my back.

"You okay, baby?" he asked.

I nodded and turned to fold myself against him. I felt like he was hiding from me; like wearing a shirt meant he was trying to shield himself somehow. I wanted to be let in and to have the kind of easy trust between us that we'd always had. Or at least that he'd always had in me.

"What's wrong?" He kissed my head and started to play with my hair.

I had no idea how to tell him what I was thinking. I ran my fingers lightly over his chest. "I don't know."

He hooked his fingers under my chin and made me look at him. "Yes you do," he said softly. "Please tell me."

"It's stupid," I warned.

He smirked. "You say that all the time, but it never is. Trust me, baby; tell me what's wrong."

I licked my lips and closed my eyes. "Nothing's really the same anymore, is it?" I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with a strange look on his face.

He shook his head slowly. "No, it isn't."

I didn't know what to do or what to say. There wasn't really anything I _could_ do or say at this point to put things right. It all seemed so over my head. The only thing I was certain about was that I loved Jake and I wanted to figure something out. I reached up to touch his jaw.

"What do I do?" I asked. I needed a starting point. I'd never felt so lost.

His brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

My eyes watered, and I leaned into him. "I mean how do I make it better?"

Jake sighed deeply, moving me with him. "You can't just make it better, Ness."

I leaned back quickly, my heart breaking as my stomach turned. "What?"

His arms wrapped around me to pull me onto his lap. "Calm down, baby. I just meant it's not something that either of us can fix easily with a few words or whatever. It's deeper than that, and I know you know it."

"Then what do I do?" I begged. "There has to be something—"

He hugged me tightly. "Nessie, baby, it's okay. We'll get through this. Just because things are different doesn't mean we have to give up."

I wanted to believe him. His arms around me felt so good and so safe; I never wanted to move. "I love you."

He kissed my head. "I love you, too, baby. I've never been good at fixing a relationship, but I'm going to try. I'm not giving up, and I'll be damned if I let you."

His reassurance and determination gave me hope. I shifted enough to kiss his neck. "I won't either."

He squeezed me harder for a brief second. "I'm glad to hear it."

We were both quiet for a few minutes. I closed my eyes and just rested against him, my ear on his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat and rhythmic breathing, just enjoying this moment of peace. I had no idea what time it was, but I found myself beginning to slip in and out of consciousness. One moment I was staring at the wall by the couch, and the next I was opening my eyes to find my face planted firmly in Jake's neck. I sucked in a breath that quickly turned into a yawn. Without my permission, it spread throughout my body and became a stretch.

Jake chuckled and kissed my head. "Are you tired?"

I couldn't deny it. "Yeah."

"You said you took a nap today, didn't you?"

I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't sleep very good last night."

He kissed my lips then checked his watch. "It's only about seven, but we can go to bed if you want. I could use some extra sleep."

I smiled to myself, happy that he didn't assume an early bedtime meant anything was going happen physically. We got up and went to the bedroom. I brushed my hair and my teeth, then got in bed next to him. I frowned when I saw he was still wearing his shirt. He pulled me close and turned on his side to face me. With the blanket brought up to my chin and Jake's arms firmly around me, I kissed his lips and sighed. I was going to try to find a way to ask him to take off his shirt when he distracted me with an unexpectedly deep kiss. My hands that had just been resting near his shoulders gripped the fabric as I sucked in a breath. Jake teased me with his tongue, giving me enough to taste him but not enough to do anything with. I think I may have grunted out of impatience before I went after what I wanted. I pushed myself impossibly closer and shoved my tongue into his open mouth. He finally took the hint and started to really kiss me back the way I needed. His hands gripped me harder, one behind my neck and the other at my hip.

There was something off about this kiss. The taste and feel of him spread through my whole body the way it usually did when we kissed like this, but something felt strangely forced. His hands eagerly pulled me even closer, and I loved every second of it, but at the same time it felt wrong.

Without warning, Jake broke the kiss and grunted as he rolled to his back. I leaned up on my elbow and scooted closer to him.

"Jake?"

He looked at me and licked his lips. "I'm sorry, Ness. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing a fistful.

I leaned in and kissed his jaw. "What do you mean?"

He met my eyes and hesitated for a second. I wasn't sure what to think about the look on his face. He seemed almost scared. He sighed. "I mean I want nothing more than strip you naked and fuck you right now, but I don't know if I can. I mean I _can_, but . . . Jesus, I don't know." He didn't sound happy to admit it. He closed his eyes and turned his head away, his hand still in his hair.

I smiled and slipped my hand up to his cheek, urging him to look at me. He did, and I lightly kissed his lips. "I know what you mean."

"You do?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I want to be with you, too, but not like _that_. I just want to be close."

The hand in his hair finally let go and went to my wrist, sliding gently up my arm to my shoulder. His other arm wrapped around my back and pulled me close to him. "Come here, then," he said softly.

At his insistence, I climbed on top of him. His hands held my hips lightly as I rested against him, my head on his shoulder and my legs entwined with his. I still wasn't very comfortable. I felt like there was something blocking us, even like this. I sighed and nuzzled my face against his neck.

"You okay?" he asked. He rubbed my back lightly and kissed my head.

I shrugged. "I don't know." I knew what it was, but it sounded so stupid to me. I sighed again and pushed myself up, sitting on his stomach. "Jake, can I ask you something?"

He looked up at me and held my waist. "Of course, baby."

I licked my lips and stared down at his chest, trying to tell myself he would understand. I watched my fingers splayed against the fabric of his shirt for a moment before I finally spoke. "Why did you keep this on?" I met his eyes and plucked at the shoulder strap of the shirt.

His hands squeezed my thighs as they moved slowly toward my knees. "I don't know. Does it bother you?"

"I don't think it should, but it does."

"I can take it off, babe." He moved me back to his thighs and sat up. The thrill of having him so close to me like this made me suck in a quick breath and take hold of his shoulders. His arms wrapped around me in a tight hug that felt like heaven.

"Are you sure, Jake?" I asked quietly against his skin. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

Without letting me go, he pulled back just enough to look at me. He softly kissed my lips twice. "I'm sure, baby. I'm okay." He kissed me once more before he pushed me back a little further and lifted the shirt over his head. I didn't hesitate to put my hands on his chest. "Can I take yours off, too?" He rubbed my arms gently.

With one barrier out of the way, it only made sense that I could get even closer without my clothing. I nodded and let him take it off. Once it hit the floor, he smiled the relaxed, sexy smile that I loved, and his hands skimmed over my shoulders to my breasts. He didn't touch me to turn me on. It was the same reason my hands were still on his chest; because he could. I was his, and he was mine, and we just wanted to touch. I couldn't deny that it felt good, though, especially when his thumbed grazed lazily over my nipples. I did the same to him, and he smirked at me.

"Feel better?" he asked.

I nodded and leaned in to kiss him. "Yeah, I do."

His hands left my breasts to pull me into a hug. "Me, too." It felt so good to have my body pressed against him like this. I kissed his neck and just held on as he laid back down. He rubbed my back lightly from my shoulders to my hips and back again. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to remove the rest of our clothing, but I was nervous to do that. Even though we both agreed it wasn't the right time to make love, it seemed like too much too soon.

"Ness?"

I leaned up on my elbows by his shoulders and met his eyes. "Yeah?"

"I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay? That hasn't changed. I feel better; more stable. If you'll just . . . I don't know, warn me or something if it's about the kid thing. I promise I'll do my best not to get upset again."

I kissed his lips. "Okay. You, too."

"I love you, baby. More than anything."

"I love you, too."

"Is there anything you want to talk about tonight?"

I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "Honestly, I just want to be with you tonight. Is that okay? I mean, if you want to talk about stuff, we can."

His hands slid up my back and pushed my hair behind my shoulders. "No, that's okay. Lay back down, babe. Just let me hold you. We can deal with other shit later."

I nodded and laid back down on him. Neither of us said anything else, but no words were needed. The peace that surrounded us in that moment made me wish it could last forever. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat as his fingertips danced up and down my back.

"Babe." Jake's voice startled me. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He smiled and kissed me. "I need you to move, Ness."

I nodded sleepily and started to crawl off of him. He didn't let me get far. I laid back down next to him and curled up, my arm across his chest and my leg over his. "Don't you need to get up?" I mumbled.

He reached over and turned off the lamp before squeezing his arm around me. "No. I'm fine with you on top for a while, but it's a little uncomfortable trying to sleep that way."

I frowned. "I'm sorry. Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, but it's okay. I love you."

I nuzzled my face against him and yawned. "Love you, too."

* * *

The next morning I woke up feeling much better. I was still next to Jake, although his arms had fallen away from me in his sleep. I took a deep breath and kissed his shoulder as I ran my fingers over his chest. I looked at the clock; it was set to go off at eight so we could get ready for therapy. We still had an hour. I closed my eyes and rested against Jake to try to get a little more sleep.

Ten minutes later, I gave up. I wanted to let him sleep a little more, though, so I carefully got out of bed and found my shirt before I left the room. I sat on the couch for a while, just staring at the blank screen of the TV. I thought about how things had changed so drastically between Jake and me in less than a week. I wanted to talk to Dr. Furst about some of the things that had happened, but I wasn't sure if Jake would be comfortable with that. I thought about asking to see him alone for a few minutes, but then I wondered if Jake might want to be there. I leaned forward and rested my forehead in my hands. I was so confused. I knew I had to leave that decision up to Jake, but I was nervous to ask him. I wasn't even sure why . . . I suppose I didn't want him to get upset and tell me he didn't want Dr. Furst to know about any of it.

I heard Jake get up and took another deep breath to hopefully get myself together. He said my name just before I heard his footsteps coming down the hall.

"I'm right here, Jake," I said, raising my hand awkwardly.

He nodded and stopped at the end of the hall. "Everything okay?"

I got up and went to him. "Yes, everything's fine. I just didn't want to wake you up, so I came out here."

He nodded again and wrapped his arms around me. "Okay. Good morning."

"Morning. Did you sleep well?" I stood on my toes to kiss him.

"Yeah, I guess so. You?"

I shrugged. "Better than the night before."

"That's good." He kissed me again.

"Um . . . are you hungry?" I licked my lips and looked at my fingers on his chest.

"No, but we need to get medicated anyway."

Without letting me go, he maneuvered us to the kitchen. We made toast and took our pills, then Jake took my hand and led me to the living room. He sat on the couch and pulled me gently to his side. I sat and leaned into him.

"Are you sure you're okay, Ness?" he asked.

I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah. Why?"

He half shrugged. "Because you don't look okay." He looked down and met my eyes. "Something's bothering you."

I sat up and sighed. "There might be . . . kind of." I watched my fingers on my lap, picking at an invisible hangnail.

Jake put his hand on mine and leaned forward enough to see me. "Baby, I meant what I said last night. You can talk to me about anything."

I nodded. "I know, Jake. I'm just nervous. I know I don't need to be, but I am. We're going to therapy today, and I want to talk to Dr. Furst about what happened."

He didn't yell or stand up or even hesitate like I'd thought he would. Instead, he nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

His sudden acceptance caught me off guard. "Really?"

"Really." He kissed my head. "Can I ask for something, though?"

"Yeah."

He took my hand, entwining his fingers with mine. "I don't want either of us to be caught off guard today by anything. If there's anything you want to talk to him about that you haven't told me yet, let's go over it now."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew what he was saying and that it was a good idea, but I was afraid. On one hand, he could get upset, and the distance between us would just get bigger. On the other hand, he had promised to try to stay calm. I looked up at him and squeezed his hand. "It is kind of about the kid thing."

He swallowed and nodded. "Okay."

Why was this so hard? I licked my lips and closed my eyes for a brief moment. "I'm jealous," I finally admitted.

Jake rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "Of what?"

"Of Leah. And Sam." That moment in their basement when he held her hand over her stomach replayed in my mind again.

"I understand Sam, but why would you be jealous of Leah? She's never wanted this."

I looked up at him. "That's part of it, Jake. She doesn't want it, but I do." My eyes watered, and I looked down to try to hide it. "Why should it happen for someone who doesn't want kids and talks about aborting when I would give so much to be in her position?"

Jake made me look back up at him, and he wiped under my right eye with his thumb. "Nessie, you saw her the other day; she's supposed to be on complete bed rest."

"That's not the point. I'm not saying that I want to be on bed rest or have complications. I'm saying that I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel my baby grow inside me." He pursed his lips and started to withdraw from me. "I know you don't want kids, Jake. I'm not trying to convince you or ask you to change your mind. You wanted to talk about it before we went to therapy, so I am."

He nodded, but didn't come back to me. Instead, he pulled his hand from mine and stood up. He didn't say anything as he started to walk around the room. I sat on the couch watching him and wondering what his silence meant. A part of me feared it meant we were right back where we were before. He stopped across the room and leaned against the side of the entertainment center.

"Was that all you wanted to talk about?" His voice was soft, but I could tell he was still tense. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his hands were clenched into fists.

I honestly couldn't remember if there was anything else I had wanted to talk to Dr. Furst about that Jake didn't already know. "I think so."

He nodded. "Okay. Let's get ready to go." He pushed away from the center and came up to me, holding out his hand. I reached out and took it tentatively. He pulled me up, and we went down the hall.

* * *

I sat on the floor by Billy's old bed, my knees brought up to my chest. I rested my chin on them as I remembered the words Dr. Furst had said. Some of it had been good. He told both Jake and I that some feelings and emotions should not need to be justified, just expressed. We shouldn't ask each other to explain our point of views yet. It wasn't necessary, especially when our relationship was so new. There were more important things to work on, like the basic foundation of our relationship.

The part that really caught me off guard and had me in tears was when Dr. Furst told me that I shouldn't even be considering children yet. I was too mentally unstable to care for a child. He said it in nicer words, but I knew that was what he meant. He recommended a plan to tend my garden for a few months, and if all the flowers survived, Jake and I could consider getting a pet. If the pet survived, a year or so later, then we could look at more steps. He had also said something about the future pet being a good trial for Jake to test his anger management. Losing his temper on a dog or a cat would be better than on a child. Again, he said it in nicer words, but I still knew what he meant.

When we got home, I needed time by myself to calm down and at least try to come to terms with what we'd talked about. Jake didn't seem upset. He kissed me and told me to come find him when I was ready.

I tightened my arms around my legs and took a deep breath. I didn't want to give up hope that I could be a mother someday. From the way Dr. Furst was talking, he wasn't sure I'd ever be ready. He said to take it one step at a time and not to plan for anything too far out of reach. It was highly unlikely that a baby would be the next step after a pet. I didn't know; he didn't tell me what would be after that because he wanted me to focus on the here and now rather than the future and the what-ifs.

I sniffled and looked around the room. It was so familiar to me now. I remembered how nervous I had been the very first night I stayed after I moved with Jake, though. I remembered sleeping with Jake's baby picture on the pillow just because I wanted so badly to be near him. With a sigh, I unraveled myself and got up on my knees to get into the drawer behind me. The only thing in it was the picture. I took it out and smiled sadly at it. I wondered if it was okay to still wish for a little boy to look just like Jake while working on myself, my relationship, and my garden. I might not be able to plan for it, but I could still dream, right?

I put the picture back and stood up. I wiped my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, then took a deep breath for courage and went to find Jake.

He was sitting on the couch playing with something small in his hands. He looked up at me and kind of half smiled. "Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and sat down next to him. "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."

"What's wrong?" I put my hand on his arm and looked to see what he had. It looked like a small, round medal of some kind.

He took a deep breath and held it tightly in his hands. "I've been thinking about what Dr. Furst said. I mean about getting a pet and how it would help me control my temper and learn how to take it out in a constructive way. Everything he said reminded me of Ruby." He twisted the medal again and stopped with the face of it up. It was a dog identification tag with Ruby's name on it. "I don't know why the fuck I didn't get rid of this. I should have, but I couldn't. It's been in a box in the top of my closet for years."

I scooted a little closer and kissed his shoulder. "I don't blame you, Jake. I wouldn't have gotten rid of something like that either."

"I think about getting another dog, and I think of her. I don't know if I can." He still didn't look at me.

My heart sank. "You talked about that a while ago, remember? You suggested we got a dog or something instead of a baby."

He laughed once without humor. "Yeah, I know. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly, Nessie. All I wanted to do was get your mind off having a damn baby. This is real. I know you're going to do a great job with your garden, and in a few months you're going to want a pet, and I know you're not going to settle for a fish or something."

"But, Jake, that's the next step. How can I take the next step if you don't want to? It's not like I can get a dog or a cat and keep it away from you all the time." This wasn't fair. A pet was his idea originally, and I had really thought that meant he would be okay with that once we got there.

He shook his head. "It's not that I don't want to, okay? I do want to help you get better and work on our relationship and all that bullshit. Hell, I want to get myself better so I can still fit in your life. What bothers me is that I don't know if I'll be ready for that in just a few months."

"What do you mean so you can still fit in my life?" He always fit, no matter what.

He looked over at me, and he seemed really nervous about something. It was so unusual; he was always strong, and I was the timid one. "The past few weeks I've noticed something about you, Nessie. You're getting better, more confident. I love seeing it, baby. You've always been so sweet and sexy and beautiful, but you're turning out to be so fucking stunning when you don't let people tell you what to do and what to think. That includes me. I know I've done it a lot, and I'm sorry for that. You're learning who you are, and I'm afraid that I won't be what you want when you get it all figured out."

I didn't even know what to say. What he was suggesting seemed so ludicrous to me. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Jake." I took his hand and held tightly. "We have been through so much together. You've been such a huge part of my life since the moment I met you. How could I ever want someone else?"

He shrugged. "People change, Ness."

I remembered telling him the very same thing after I bit him. I looked down at his arm and the scar there. It was a little discolored, slightly lighter than the rest of his skin. It was obviously teeth, and I wondered briefly what people thought when they saw it. I put my free hand over it and leaned in to put my head on his shoulder.

"You're right, Jake. People do change. Both of us have changed so much in the last few months." I pulled back to look at him. "But I can tell you one thing that has not changed and will never change is that I love you."

He smirked. "You sound so confident."

I furrowed my brow. "Why are you doing this, Jake? No, scratch that; what exactly is it that you are doing, because right now I'm confused. Are you trying to tell me that you want to work on our relationship, or are you saying that you want to give up on everything because you think there might be a chance I'll change my mind?"

"I don't want to give up. I told you yesterday that I won't do that." He tightened his hold on my hand. "What I'm saying, Nessie, is that I need you to be patient with me. I'm trying, baby, I swear I am. I might need more than just a few months, though."

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't even know if _I__'__ll_ be ready. All I can ask is that you try, Jake. That's all I can do, too."

He nodded and leaned forward to put the dog tag on the coffee table, then sat back and pulled me onto his lap. I rested against him and kissed his neck. "I love you, baby." He kissed my hair and squeezed me tightly. "I'm sorry I've been such an asshole."

I wanted to tell him that he wasn't an asshole and remind him that I hated it when he talked about himself like that. Instead, something else tugged at my heart. I didn't want to get into it. Whether he was or he wasn't, I just wanted to put it behind us. "I forgive you, Jake."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry I was such a bitch."

He pushed me back and made me look at him. "Nessie, listen to me. You—"

I shook my head. "No, I was. I wanted something so badly I didn't even consider your thoughts about it. I made a few bad decisions myself. I'm sorry."

He smiled. "See what I mean, Ness? You're getting so much better. A month ago, you wouldn't have interrupted me. I love seeing you so strong." He hugged me. "You're not a bitch. You never have been and you never will be, but I do forgive you for those bad decisions."

I nuzzled my face against his neck. "Thank you." I felt better knowing he was able to put the bad things behind us as well. We had kind of talked about it a little bit the night I'd gone to Leah's, but this felt more relieving like we'd actually made a little headway this time.

We were both quiet for a while. I closed my eyes and reached up to play with the neckline of his shirt. It would have been nice to say that I was enjoying the peace of the moment, but almost as soon as Jake and I stopped talking, my mind started to go over all the therapy stuff again. I sighed and kissed his throat lightly.

"Jake?" He hummed and rubbed my back. "Can I bring up the kid thing again?"

He kissed my head and pushed lightly on my shoulders. I sat up and met his eyes. "Yeah, baby. What is it?"

I licked my lips. "I'm . . . I don't know. I'm disappointed, I think."

He nodded. "You didn't hear what you wanted. I know, baby; neither did I."

I tried to smile. "Can I still look forward to it, though? I mean, if I see a baby or some really cute outfit, does this mean I can't think it's adorable and want one?"

He sucked in a deep breath and rubbed my arms for a moment before he spoke. "I don't think so. Nessie, just because I don't like kids or Dr. Furst says it shouldn't be in the immediate future doesn't mean you have to give up on all of it."

"Really?"

He shifted under me. "Yeah. I'm not saying that we'll get there, Ness. I've realized that asking you to stop talking about it or getting uncomfortable when you do is bullshit, though. You like babies and I don't. That's just how it is. It'd be the same as asking you to stop dipping your pizza in ranch because I think it's gross."

I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "Thank you. I promise not to do it all the time."

He smirked. "I'd appreciate that."

"I love you, Jake."

He kissed my nose. "I love you, too, babe."

"Is there anything else we need to talk about?"

"I'm sure there's a ton of shit we still need to talk about, Ness. I feel a little better, though. How are you?" He pushed my hair back behind my shoulders and lightly pet it down my back.

"I feel better, too."

"Good."

We sat on the couch for a while longer. It was mostly quiet, but occasionally we'd talk about something random. It didn't matter if it was related or not. It felt good to just talk. After an hour or so, we got up to eat lunch, then I went outside to tend my garden for the few minutes I could.

* * *

A/N: Well, things are getting better anyway. Thanks for reading!

I'm on Twitter: SheeWolf85

I have posted a holiday present for all of my wonderful readers. It is a Christmas o/s outtake of Give Me a Sign; Jake and Nessie's first Christmas together. It does have some spoilers of things to come, but nothing major. It is called Bittersweet Christmas, and you can find it on my profile.


	50. This is Love

A/N: Hi, there! Inspiration has been flowing well the last week, and I was actually able to finish this chapter before Christmas! Yay! For all of my wonderful h00rs out there asking about it, there is citrus in this chapter :D

I'm full of mixed feelings as I tell you that there will be only two more updates to this story. The next chapter is the last and there will be an epilogue.

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Forty-Nine

This is Love

_This __is __why __we __do __it  
This __is __worth __the __pain  
This __is __why __we __fall __down  
And __get __back __up __again  
This __is __where __the __heart __lies  
This __is __from __above  
Love __is __this, __this __is __love_

-This = Love – The Script

* * *

_**Jacob**_

While Nessie went outside to work on her garden, I went back to our bedroom and dug out the journal I'd been attempting to keep. I'd skipped a day or two in the last week, but overall I was pretty proud of myself for doing what I had. It wasn't anything special; just a black spiral-bound notebook I had in my closet. I opened it to the first page and read what I'd written.

_This is fucking stupid. Dr. Ass-Fucker can kiss my ass if he thinks it'll do any damn bit of good. _

I smirked to myself and turned to the last page I'd written on. It surprised me how much had changed in just one week. The night before, after Ness fell asleep, I stayed up a long while thinking about a lot of shit. I didn't get up because I wanted to write, I got up because I didn't want to bug Nessie. The journal had been sitting on the floor by my side of the bed, and I took it with me to the living room where I ended up writing the longest entry to date. I had to give it to _Dr.__Ass-Fucker_; he knew what he was doing. I scanned through what I'd written.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? I couldn't fuck Nessie tonight. She said she understood. I wanted to. I'm not even sure if I can explain what happened. She was right there, so warm and soft, and fuck, she tasted so good. My dick says hell yes, but everything else says it'll be better all around if we wait._

_. . ._

_She's getting so much stronger. I have no doubt that if she'd tried to talk to me about kids when she first moved in, she would have fought me a little but eventually given in. She wouldn't have stood her ground the way she did. She's always had a certain fire to her, but now it's really starting to shine. _

_. . ._

_I pray to God she'll be patient with me. It's not going to be an easy road. She's never gone through a bad breakup—any breakup, for that matter—I hope she understands it's not going to just fix itself like the marriage thing. I was able to give her what she wanted then. Marriage doesn't scare me as much as kids do._

I stared at the last line for a few minutes. After therapy today and thinking more about all this, I'd started to realize something. I wanted to deny it; I wasn't afraid to have a kid. It was just a stupid idea made by a family man with a stick up his ass. At the same time, I thought about my dad and all the things he did for me. He was a great father; he knew what to do and what to say when things got rough, and he knew how to have fun. There was no doubt in my mind that I would never be even a fraction as good at parenting as my dad was. I'd screw a kid up. They needed shit like nurturing and someone to show them right from wrong. I couldn't even count how many times I got myself in trouble when I was a kid. If I'd been my dad, I would have kicked my ass so many goddamned times.

I sighed and got up to get my pen from the computer desk, then I sat on the bed and wrote a little bit until Nessie came back inside. When I heard the back door, I closed the notebook and set it down on the floor by the bed.

Nessie came in the room with her shirt and most of her hair soaking wet. "What did you do?" I asked.

She laughed and took the shirt off as she walked toward the hamper. "I forgot how to use the hose."

I smiled and walked over to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She tried to wring out her hair, using the discarded top to soak up all the water, then she took off her bra. "I was trying to clean my hands off because they were really dirty, and before I knew it, I had water spraying everywhere."

"Weren't you wearing your gloves?"

"At first, yeah, but I like to feel the mud and dirt on my hands. I'm surprised my pants made it out as dry as they did."

"Your ass is pretty wet," I told her. It looked like she'd sat in a pool.

She patted her ass as if she could just brush it off. "Well damn." With a sigh, she unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down over her hips. I told myself to take a step backward and give her a little more room, but I couldn't. She was standing naked in front of me now, her hair still wet, goosebumps rising all over her skin, and her nipples at full attention. My dick was already hard.

"Nessie?" I took a step closer to her and reached out to touch her back. Her skin was cold and damp.

She dropped her clothes into the hamper and turned to look up at me. Her eyes told me she was a little nervous. "Yeah?" She put her hands on my chest and moved even closer to me. The way she moved made it seem like she was either trying to warm up or hide herself.

I swallowed and rubbed her back to warm her up. "I love you."

She rested her forehead on my chest. "I love you, too."

"Are you okay?"

She shivered. "I think so. I'm just cold."

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her head. "Do you want to take a shower?"

"Maybe. I'm sorry, Jake; I didn't think before I started to undress."

"Do you really think I mind, Nessie?" I made her look at me and bent to kiss her lips. "I mean really? You're too damn sexy for your own good."

She smiled and blushed. "Thank you. I know you don't mind it. I just meant I'm sorry if you thought I was trying to start something."

With my arms still around her, I started to move toward to the bathroom. "You know me, Ness. I'd make an invitation out of almost anything if I thought you'd be up for it. Now's not the time, and I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean we can't get naked and wet together, does it?"

Her smile widened. "No, it doesn't."

I pulled away from her and started the water. I kissed her one more time before I took my clothes off. She smirked as I climbed into the tub with her, her eyes on my dick. She looked up at me and blushed. I pulled the curtain closed, and she bent over to start the shower spray. I couldn't keep my hands off her. I pulled her close and kissed her, trying hard to ignore the way her body felt against my dick. It wasn't easy.

We both warmed up quickly. I helped her wash her hair because I loved doing it. She melted into my touch, the soft smile on her lips telling me exactly how content she felt. We both laughed when she tried to return the favor. She had to stand on her toes, but I held her steady and let her do it.

When we got out of the shower, we dried each other off. I stooped down to get her legs and kissed her stomach. Her skin shivered, and I looked up at her. She ran her fingers through my hair and smiled. I kissed her again, working my way up to her tits. I gave each one just a little treatment, telling myself I shouldn't take it too far. I couldn't help but give both her nipples a good, open-mouthed kiss, though. She whimpered, and I felt her fingers grip my hair.

"Jake . . ."

I moved up and kissed her neck a few times before I finally made it to her lips. She shot up on her toes and pressed her body against mine as her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I held her just as fervently, one hand firmly on her back and the other grabbing her ass. She kissed me wildly, little whimpers and mewls escaping her throat. I was going crazy. I needed her so fucking badly. I held her as steady as I could and tried to get us to the bed without breaking the kiss.

It wasn't possible. She pulled back and stopped. She didn't look at me; she rested her hands and forehead on my chest. I tried to urge her to move, but either she didn't know what I was trying to do or she wasn't as eager as I was. I cleared my throat and rubbed her back as I told myself to calm down and be patient with her.

"Ness, are you okay?" I asked.

She shrugged but didn't move away or look up. She didn't even speak.

I sighed. "Baby, what's wrong?" I pushed her back gently and made her look at me. She didn't meet my eyes; she kept hers closed. "Come on, Ness, don't do this. Not now."

She started to tremble as a tear fell down her cheek. I wiped it away, but it was just the first. Finally her eyes opened. She looked so fucking scared.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I shook my head. "Whatever it is, Ness, we'll figure it out. I need you to talk to me, baby."

She sniffled and furrowed her brow as she looked down. "I want to be with you so badly, Jake." She stepped away from me and wiped her face. "I really do, but I . . . I don't even know how to say all this." She sat on the edge of the bed and put her face in her hands.

I couldn't stand to see her so upset. I sat next to her and ran my fingers through her still-damp hair. "Try, baby. Tell me what's wrong."

She turned and rested her head against my shoulder but didn't move her hands. She sniffled again and sighed. I kissed her head and wrapped my arm around her shoulders to pull her with me as I laid down. She didn't fight me, she just curled up against me and nuzzled her face against my chest. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, telling myself I had to be patient and wait for her to speak. I'd give her a few more minutes before I started pushing again.

She took a deep breath and leaned up on her elbow. She stared at my chest for a few seconds before she looked up and met my eyes. "I'm sorry."

I touched her cheek. "Baby, don't be sorry. Just talk to me."

She licked her lips and nodded. "There are so many things going through my head right now. I don't know if I can get them all straight. I want to be with you, Jake. I really want to make love and be close to you like that how we were before. That's all changed, though, and I don't know if I can." She paused, and her lips trembled. I held her tighter. "I was nervous about it before, but now I'm really scared. I mean, before therapy, I was afraid of what an accident would to us, you and me. Now Dr. Furst says I'm not ready to raise a child, so where would that leave me if I got pregnant now? I'd have to give it up or screw it up, and I can't . . . your baby, Jake . . ."

I pulled her back down and kissed her head. I hadn't realized just how badly I'd hurt her. "Shh, baby, everything's going to be okay."

She shook her head as she sobbed. "No, it's not. I looked, Jake. Did you know that more than half of all unplanned pregnancies are because of failed birth control? God, Jake, if it happened to Leah, what would stop it from happening to us?"

"Nessie, those statistics are for people using only one kind. Leah was only using birth control pills, and she forgot to take them a few days when she was planning for the wedding."

She sniffled and looked up at me. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah." That conversation had been an awkward one, but I was glad Leah had been so talkative if it helped Nessie get past this. "Did you happen to look up how many pregnancies happen with both the pill and condoms?"

"No."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her. "Baby, listen. Yeah, there's still a possibility, but it's so small I don't think we need to be worried about it, okay? And if, by some freak occurrence, you did get pregnant, we'd work around it."

She started to relax a little and leaned up to kiss me. "What do you mean when you say we'd work around it?"

I took a deep breath. "It means we'd figure out what to do together."

She furrowed her brow. "I'd have to get rid of it, Jake. I mean, not like abortion, but adoption. I wouldn't abort."

"Okay. But adoption is only one alternative, Ness. Just because Dr. Furst says he thinks you'd be better off waiting a while doesn't mean you absolutely have to. Nobody could _make_ you give it away."

She looked up at me with a hopeful expression, and I realized what I'd just said. "Do you mean that, Jake?"

I cleared my throat. "Yes, I do, but I'm not saying I want to have a kid, Nessie. I'm saying that if something happened by accident that neither of us was planning, we'd figure out what to do together and fuck Dr. Furst if it's not what he thinks is best."

She smiled and kissed me. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too. We're still going to try to stick to his plan, okay?"

She nodded. "I know. I feel so much better, though, knowing that everything in the world won't end if something happened."

I smirked. "Why would it end?"

Her smile disappeared, and she shrugged. "If I lost you _and_ had to give up your baby . . ." She licked her lips and looked down.

I made her look at me. "You've got me, Ness. I'm not going anywhere."

She reached up and touched my jaw lightly before leaning in to kiss me. It was just soft, but it was wet and left me hungry for more. I rolled to my side, pushing her back, and leaned up on my elbow to hover over her. She smiled sweetly as her hands started to move slowly down my neck and shoulders. I cupped her tit and squeezed lightly. She licked her lips and looked at me through her lashes. She was so fucking sexy, especially when she gave me that look that I knew well. I leaned down and kissed her, pushing my tongue past her lips. She opened to me eagerly and pulled me closer. I slid my hand gently down her smooth skin to her hip. She turned into me a little and lifted her foot to rub my leg.

I wrapped my arms around her and shifted to my back, pulling her on top of me. She broke the kiss and whimpered, then spread her legs to straddle me. I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly. I could feel her pussy on the tip of my dick against my stomach. Either I hadn't done a very good job drying her off or she was a different kind of wet.

Nessie pushed herself up with her hands on my shoulders. "Jake?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at her. "Yeah, baby?" I rubbed her arms and pushed her hair back behind her shoulders.

She licked her lips. "I, um . . ." She hesitated for a moment before she lowered herself again and kissed my lips. "I want to make love."

"Yeah?" She was silky and smooth. Every part of her. Her back, her arms, her legs, her ass . . . even her feet were soft. I could touch her forever.

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

She still seemed a little nervous. I kissed her and pushed her gently to her back before I sat up and got a condom out of the drawer by the bed. A part of me wanted to just put it on and fuck her senseless. I wanted to make sure she was well taken care of first, though. It had been too damn long since the last time I'd fucked her; I wasn't sure I'd be much use.

I leaned over her to kiss her deeply and grabbed her tits. She covered my hands with hers and moaned softly into my mouth. I left her mouth and kissed her down her neck while I skimmed a hand down her stomach. She gripped my hair and moaned again as her hips thrust forward. I was about to touch her pussy when she spoke.

"Jake?" She pushed lightly on my shoulder.

I looked up at her. "Yeah, baby?"

"I'm ready."

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm ready. To make love." She put her hand over mine again, still on her lower stomach.

I nodded. "I know. That's what we're doing."

She smiled a sweet, shy smile and shook her head. "No. I just want you, Jake. Please?" She pulled on my hand, moving it away from her pussy.

I was honestly confused. "I don't understand."

She pushed herself up and kissed me. "Lay down please."

I did and just watched her as she got on her knees beside me. "I don't want you to think that I don't want you to touch me, Jake. What I want right now is to just be with you. I don't want to waste time with anything that isn't becoming one with you again."

I think my jaw dropped open. Nessie took the condom and opened it, then put it on for me. My eyes closed, and I groaned. Her hands felt so fucking good.

"Is that okay?" she asked. She leaned over me and kissed my lips.

"That's fucking perfect, Ness."

She swallowed and started to straddle me. "I mean is it okay that I just want to skip everything else and go right to this?"

I pulled her down and kissed her roughly. My hands helped her get into position, and both of us moaned when she slid down on my dick.

"Nessie, baby, don't ever think that something you want is wrong. I'm just used to pleasing you first. You want something different, whatever it might be, just tell me."

She settled herself all the way down and whimpered. She sat up and licked her lips before she started to rock gently against me.

"My God, Jake . . ." She leaned forward with her hands on my chest. Her hair fell forward around her arms. "It feels so good like this."

Her slight movements were driving me crazy. I grabbed her hips tightly and urged to do more. She rocked harder, a little faster. It still wasn't enough. I hissed and arched my back. "Dammit, Nessie . . . Fuck, baby."

"Do you like it, Jake?"

I nodded. "Fuck yes. I need you, Ness."

She bent down and kissed me. "You have me," she said quietly. "Always."

She let me guide her movements then, crying out when she really liked something. I didn't think it would be possible to make her cum, but just as my body started to tense, she leaned forward and froze for half a second before she moaned loudly and arched her back. Her pussy tightened harshly, making me delirious. My release hit a few minutes later. I felt it through every single part of my body; it was glorious.

It was a good thing I was already laying on my back, because I might have crushed her if I was on top. Nessie shifted to my side, and I moved just enough to get rid of the condom.

"I love you," I said when I laid down again.

She curled up against me. "I love you, too. Thank you."

I kissed her head. "You too."

Ness and I lay together quietly for a while. Her fingertips moved softly over my chest while I gently played with her hair. The next time I looked at the clock, mostly by accident, I was a little surprised to see it was already almost six o'clock.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

She drew in a deep breath and hummed. "Yeah."

"I am, too. We should get up."

I felt her smile against my chest. "Speak for yourself."

I smirked. "Okay, I should get up."

Her arm tightened around me. "No, you shouldn't. I'm comfortable."

"I'll starve."

"You have reserves." She patted my stomach. "You could survive on your muscles for years."

I snorted. "And what about you? You'd last maybe a week."

She shifted to look up at me. "Are you saying I'm weak?"

"No, just that you're tiny."

She hummed. "Oh, I see. Well, you've disturbed my peace anyway. Let's get up." She kissed me and sat up.

I chuckled and got up after her. Without getting anything on, she headed for the door. She stopped and turned to glance at me, a sexy smirk on her lips. I gave her a smirk of my own and followed her.

* * *

The rest of the week was better than I had thought it would be. I didn't even care that the men on my so-called team weren't doing anything. There wasn't anything to do. The client finally came by Friday afternoon to look through the place. Acting as foreman, I had to walk through with them and answer any questions they had. They were all dumber than bricks, but they didn't want any changes and the building was declared finished.

It was a relief to finally be done with it. Nessie helped me celebrate that night in a horizontal fashion. My plan, like always, was to take a week off and start looking for more work after my break.

We usually spent Saturday together, but something felt a little different when we woke up. It was the first of many days we'd have to just relax and be together. I wanted to spend the whole day fucking her, but she tensed up when I tried to come on to her. She admitted, reluctantly and with a very red face, that she'd gone on the rag earlier that morning. She explained that was what the white pills in her birth control packet meant. Instead, we spent the day inside just being together and talking about everything, then went out to a movie and dinner on Sunday. When we got back, I realized I'd left my phone at home, and I had a missed call from Harry, Leah's dad. I called him back, and he said he wanted to talk to me. I made a plan to see him the next day.

"What does he want to talk to you about?" Ness asked curiously when I told her.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Probably something work-related."

She nodded.

I went out the next day at noon, and Sue let me in.

"How are you, Jake?" she asked.

"Not too bad. You?"

"I'm doing well, thank you. Harry's in his office on a call; he'll be out shortly. Are you hungry?"

Sue was the kind of woman that had to feed anyone that walked through her door. There was no doubt in my mind that she'd already started to spoil her first grandchild.

"No, I'm okay. I'll just wait for Harry."

She nodded. "Okay. How's Nessie doing? Has she made a decision about Lisa's flowers?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Nessie's fine." It took me a second to remember that Leah had asked Ness if she'd do another arrangement. "If she has decided, she hasn't told me about it."

She nodded again. Harry finally came down the hall and invited me to his office.

"How's it going, Jacob?" he asked as he shut the door behind us.

"It's going. What's up?" I was already prepared to reject whatever it was he wanted me to do.

He smirked. "I figured you'd want to just get down to business." He walked over to a counter with several decanters of liquor. He offered me a drink like he did almost every time I came here, and I declined like always. "On my desk you'll find the blueprints of a project I have set to start next week. I have everyone I need ready to go aside from a foreman. The man I hired got himself into trouble with the law two nights ago, and now he's in jail."

I snorted. "Sounds like a nice group of guys. Forget it." I turned around to leave.

"I need a foreman, Jake."

I stopped with my hand on the door and turned to look at him. "The last contractor I worked for already beat you to it, Harry. I told him to fuck himself, just like I'm telling you. I'm not doing it."

"Will you just think about it? I could really use your help."

I sighed. "I'll think about it, but my answer will still be no."

I didn't give him a chance to say anything else as I walked out.

"How did it go?" Nessie asked me when I got home.

I shrugged and sat on the couch. She sat next to me. "It went all right, I guess. Now Harry wants me to be foreman." I shook my head.

Ness put her hand on my arm. "Really?"

I think she liked the idea of me being the boss. I kissed her and nodded. "Yeah. I told him I'd think about it, but I don't know if I really will."

"Why don't you want to do it?" she asked curiously.

"I don't know; it just seems stupid. Oh, by the way, Sue asked if you had made a decision about Lisa's flowers."

She quirked her lips. "I think so. I want to, I think. I mean, I want to do it because I like doing it, not because I like her. Would it be bad to tell her I'd do it for a higher price than the other one?"

I laughed and hugged her. "That's not bad at all, baby. That's business. If you had a set price, then maybe it would be more complicated, but you don't. If they don't want to pay it, you don't have to do the work."

She smiled. "I like that idea."

She called Leah later that day to give her the information, and they set up a time on Wednesday for her to do the arrangements. I was proud of her for what she was doing. It was only more proof that she was getting better.

Tuesday Ness and I talked about seeing Dr. Furst separately. I was hesitant about it only because I wasn't sure if she was really ready for that. She assured me that she was fine for a test run and just see how it went. I sat in the waiting area for her hour. It was the longest hour of my life. I couldn't even count how many times I wanted to break the door down just to make sure she was okay. I had to admit I was curious about what they were discussing, but I found I wasn't upset that I didn't know. I remembered the first time we had come for the free consultation and how hard it had been for her.

When Ness finally emerged with tears in her eyes, I wanted to beat the shit out of Dr. Furst. She smiled brightly, though, and hugged me tightly.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She nodded and stood on her toes for a kiss. "I'm okay. I was a little nervous, but I think I'll be okay. Thank you for waiting."

I kissed her. "Did you expect me to run away? I love you, babe."

"I love you, too. He's waiting for you."

I touched her cheek. "You'll be okay out here?"

She nodded again. "I'll be fine."

Talking to Dr. Furst without Ness was surprisingly similar to how it was with her. We went over the same things, and he asked the same kinds of questions, but it wasn't as distracted. We seemed to go back and forth between Ness and me when it was both of us, but this time it was concentrated on me. I told him about the success I'd been having with the journal, and he encouraged me to keep it up. Before I walked out, he assured me that Ness did great on her first session without me. I felt good knowing that one of our big goals had been met.

Harry wanted to talk to me again on Wednesday while Ness was at Leah's. I dropped her off and went to see him. I hadn't made up my mind yet. He was available as soon as I got there, so we just went right back to his office.

"Any final decisions yet?" he asked as he sat down behind his desk.

I lounged back on the couch. "No."

"I'm willing to sweeten the deal."

I smirked. "You really think that'll change my mind?"

He shrugged. "It might, I suppose. How much were you getting paid?"

"Does it matter?"

"It should, considering I intend to double it."

I sat up in surprise and almost choked. "What?" This man had too much money.

"You heard me." He stood up and walked around the desk to sit on the corner of it. "Look, Jacob; I'm not asking you to take this position because I want you to work your way up to a contractor. I'm asking you because I know your skills, and I know you won't screw me over. I also know how you are with people. I've gotten reports on you. You don't think you're any good, but I think you'd do a great job if you gave yourself a chance. You're strict, yes, but that's what gets work done. I don't want a foreman who sits around and lets the men do whatever they want. I want a foreman who will keep them in line."

"I didn't get into construction because I like to boss people around. I like to build things and get my hands dirty."

"Then don't boss people around. Get your hands dirty all you want. Be a part of the construction. All you'd have to do different is have people under you. A team of ten men or so that report to you. And, of course, you'd have to earn more money and get better benefits."

"You and I both know it's not that easy."

He sighed. "Then what about a side offer? Your girlfriend—Nessie, is it?—she's really getting into flower arrangements, isn't she?"

I stood up and took a step closer to him. "You leave her the fuck out of this, Harry. This is you and me, and—"

He waived his hand and stood up from the desk. "Jacob, stop it. I'm not the man I was before, and you know it. I'm not threatening you or her, so just calm down. What I'm offering is a booster to help her start a business if she's interested."

That was unexpected. I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked down for a second. Nessie hadn't talked about it, but I was pretty sure she'd like the idea of her own business. "That's not my decision to make," I said. I had to admit the thought of being able to offer something like that to her was nice.

Harry nodded. "Of course. Maybe you'd like to talk it over with her and get back to me?"

I nodded. "I'll talk to her."

He came up and patted my shoulder. "If she says yes?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. If she says yes, and I turn down your offer, she doesn't get the money?"

"I'm a reasonable man, Jake, but you know I don't give up easily. I want you on my team."

That was a no. It was a lot to consider, and I really didn't want to disappoint Ness if she wanted the business. She could start it without Harry's help, but the money would make things so much easier for her. "What benefits are we talking?"

He smiled. "What are you getting now?"

"The basics—health and vision—through the end of the month."

He nodded and clicked his tongue. "All right. Full health and vision plus dental. And I'll see what I can do about getting Nessie added."

"How? I tried that before; she has to be a dependent or my wife."

"Yeah, but I can pull strings. I didn't say it would be easy, I said I'll see what I can do."

I shrugged. "If you say so. When does the project start?"

"It's scheduled for next Monday."

A week was all I'd been planning to take anyway, and it would save me the trouble of having to look for another job. I wasn't sure if Ness was worried about money at all, but I didn't want her to be. I sucked in a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. I'll talk to Ness about this side offer of yours, and if she says yes, I'll do it." I figured I should probably take the offer even if she said no, but that was a different thing altogether.

Harry held out his hand. "You won't regret it, Jake."

I shook it. "We'll see about that."

* * *

"How did it go today?" I asked Nessie as we ate dinner that evening.

She smiled at me. "It went well, I think. The bouquets turned out so pretty. Lisa said they were perfect."

I nodded. "Was she nice to you?"

"Yeah, actually that surprised me. She sat in the basement with me almost the whole time I was putting things together. She apologized for what happened at Leah's wedding and asked if we could be friends." She sounded bewildered.

"That's good, babe. What did you tell her?"

She shrugged. "I said I didn't see any point in holding it against her if she was sorry but that I'd had too much experience with people trying to get me to trust them so they could just turn around and hurt me again. I'm not mad about it anymore, but I don't see us being best friends for a while."

I was impressed. "That's better than what I would have done, Ness."

She smirked. "You would have told her to go to hell, wouldn't you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, probably."

We ate quietly for a few minutes while I tried to come up with a good way to ask her about Harry's offer. I couldn't come up with any brilliant ideas, so I just jumped in.

"Ness, have you ever considered a business?"

She raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean a flower arrangement business."

"Oh. Yeah, I've considered it, but I can't." She looked down at her plate and speared a carrot.

"Why not?"

She shrugged. "I'm allergic to the sun. Flower shops and greenhouses are all very open places with lots of sunshine."

I reached out and touched her arm. "Then don't open a shop. You can order plants and things that you need online, right? And you haven't killed any plants in your garden yet."

Her brow furrowed. "Jake, I can't work for a flower shop at home."

I smiled. "No, baby, I don't mean work for someone else. I'm talking about your own business."

Her eyes widened. "My own? Are you serious?"

I nodded. "Of course. Have you ever considered that?"

She laughed. "Yeah, I have, but who would want my flower arrangements?"

"You've done three in the last month, Ness, and that's just what Leah asked you to do. I'm sure she and her mom would help spread the word if you started your own company."

She pursed her lips. "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it."

"All right." I lifted her hand and leaned in to kiss her knuckles.

"What about you? How did it go with Harry?"

I sat back and sucked in a deep breath. "Well, that depends. I might have agreed to do it."

A sly smile spread across her lips. "You _might_ have?"

"Yeah. He offered me one hell of a compensation package, and even threw in an extra bonus for you."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why for me?"

"He knows me well enough to know that he can throw all the money he wants at me, and I'm too stubborn to budge. He makes an offer for you that I'm pretty sure you'll like but won't get unless I agree." I shrugged.

"What was the offer?" Her voice was flat like she wasn't convinced it was a good idea.

"He wants to pay for you to start your business."

He eyes widened, and her jaw fell slack for a moment. "Jacob, that's . . . Who the hell does that? No; I don't want the money or anything to do with it if it's just to get you to do something you don't want to do."

She picked up her empty plate and went to the kitchen. I followed her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind as she rinsed the plate.

"I love you, Ness." I kissed her head.

"I love you, too, Jake." She turned the water off and turned in my arms to face me. "I don't want you to do anything just because I'd get something ridiculous out of the deal." She put her hands on my chest and looked up at me. Her brown eyes were troubled. "Personally, I think you should take the job, but that's just because you'd be the boss and you deserve that. If you do decide to do it, though, tell Harry I don't want his money."

She stood on her toes for a kiss, and I hugged her tightly. "Are you sure, baby? You wouldn't have to use it right away; you could put it back."

She nodded. "I'm sure. I know I could put it back and use it later, but I'm not sure I'll ever start my own thing. On top of that, Jake, I don't want him to ever think he has something he can hold over you."

She was too sweet. I kissed her nose. "I wouldn't let him if he tried, but I understand what you're saying. So you think I should take the job?"

She reached up to put her hands on my face. "Yes, I do. It's up to you, though."

I had to admit the thought of twice what I'd been earning before made my mouth water a little bit. There was so much I'd be able to do with it. "I think I will."

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85. I accept all Twi/FF related peeps, so come follow me!


	51. Peace

A/N: *sniff* Hi, guys. Welcome to the last chapter of Give Me a Sign. Oh, this has been such a wonderful journey writing this story, and I am so grateful to everyone who shared it with me. I hope you got as much enjoyment out of it as I have.

*big Jacob hugs* If I felt I could thank each and every one of my reviewers without missing someone, I'd do it, but I don't. I know I'd miss someone, then I'd feel terrible. So just know that I appreciate every single person. You're all amazing!

In this chapter, Jacob recites a lot of lyrics. I didn't do that just to put lyrics in the story. Just so ya know. And there's a little something for my h00rs :)

Enjoy!

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Chapter Fifty

Peace

_We've seen our share of ups and downs  
Oh how quickly life can turn around  
In an instant  
It feels so good to reunite  
Within yourself and within your mind  
Let's find peace there_

_When you are with me, I'm free  
I'm careless, I believe  
Above all the others we'll fly  
This brings tears to my eyes_

-My Sacrifice – Creed

* * *

_**Jacob**_

I changed my mind about the foreman position five times before I talked to Harry and officially accepted on Friday. Ness kept telling me she was proud of me and felt that I deserved the promotion. I didn't really consider it a promotion, although I guess in a way it was. It was more responsibilities and an actual team to run, which meant I couldn't do the same things I'd always done on the site and stick mostly to myself. I had to be a people person.

Harry was pleased to hear the news but confused when I told him Ness had declined his offer. Although I wasn't sure I agreed with her decision, I was proud of her for doing what she felt was best despite me telling her to do it. Like I'd told Harry, it wasn't mine to make, and I would stand behind Ness in whatever she chose to do. We worked out my schedule, and he gave me a rough list of the people he expected to show up on Monday. I recognized a few of the names; some of them I'd worked with on the last job. Most people were smart and started looking a few weeks before a job was done so they wouldn't have to face the possibility of being out of work. I was surprised to see Seth Colton on the list, though.

"Since when did Seth get into construction?" I asked. Last I'd heard he was in college studying to be a teacher.

Harry shrugged. "I couldn't tell you. He wanted in and mentioned that both you and Leah got in without schooling, so I thought I'd give him a chance and see what he's got."

"I got in because I had a mentor, and Leah got in because she's your daughter. Seth's . . . I don't see how he'll last very long, but I guess we'll see." I could just see the more experienced men putting him in his place.

"Maybe you could take him under your wing. Show him the ropes."

I scoffed. "I'm not a teacher, Harry." I already knew I'd be watching over him regardless. He might be like Leah's little brother, but I kind of liked him, too.

"Either way; better he starts out with me than someone who doesn't know him."

I smiled to myself. Harry had a soft spot for Seth as well. I scanned the rest of the list and furrowed my brow when I caught Jack's name.

"Not this guy." I pointed him out. "Jack Milburn. Fire him."

Harry looked confused. "Why?"

"Because he'll end up buried in the foundation if you don't. I'm not working with him again if I can't kill him."

"Don't like him, huh?"

I laughed without humor. "It goes way beyond that. I'm not getting into it, but if you want me, you'll get rid of him."

He nodded. "You got it. Consider him gone."

I narrowed my eyes. "You better not be fucking with me."

He smiled. "I'm not that stupid, Jake." He took the list from me and crossed the name off. "He's gone. I'll make the call as soon as you leave."

"Good. See you Monday." I left so Harry could do his thing. It actually felt good to know I had some sort of control over my working conditions.

I went home that day and told Ness about my new schedule. I'd have Fridays and Saturdays off and work my regular ten hours the other five days. She thought it was nice that Seth would be working with me. She said I needed a friend with me. It still felt weird to think that Leah wouldn't be there.

"What should we do with our last few free days?" I asked Ness.

We were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. She turned to me and shrugged.

"I don't know." She looked down at her hands clasped in front of her and took a deep breath. I smiled to myself and went up to her, my arms on either side of her to pin her against the counter. She looked up at me through her lashes. "I want to try something."

I nodded. "What is it?"

She put her hands on my chest and licked her lips. "I'm nervous about it, though. I mean, my dad and I used to bake cookies at least twice a month, sometimes more. He said that my mom would make them every week. She has so many recipes in her book. I want to try to make the chocolate chip ones."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "Of course we can do that, baby."

Her whole body seemed to tremble as she pressed her face into my neck and took a deep breath. "You'll help me?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking more for emotional support or if she thought she'd actually need me to help her bake, but it didn't really matter. I'd be there for her either way. "You know I will, Ness."

She nodded. "Tomorrow, though. I want to try to get ready for it."

"That's a good idea." Anything to make it easier for her. "What should we do tonight?"

She looked up at me with a smile. "Anything we want, I guess."

I bent to kiss her lips. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure how to talk her into it. We made our way to the living room where I put on some music and pulled her close to dance with her. She smiled and held on to my shoulders.

I hadn't changed yet; I was still in my t-shirt and jeans. She was wearing a white tank top with her gray sweats. I was eager to see if she'd let me strip her. As we moved together, I let my thumbs slip under the bottom hem of her shirt. She looked up at me and smiled.

"I love you, Ness," I said as I moved my hands higher.

She stepped a little closer. "I love you, too." She licked her lips and stared at my chest for a moment.

I kind of wished I had put a little more effort into choosing our music. It was weird enough trying to be romantic with _Falling in the Ocean _by Blue October playing; it wasn't really strip-tease music either. I cleared my throat and pulled back. She looked at me strangely.

"I need better music," I told her.

She nodded. "Okay."

It didn't take me long to decide what I wanted. I found the CD and put it in on repeat, then I got up and pulled Nessie close to me. She raised her eyebrow when the music started.

"What is this?"

"This is my sexy music. This song is Bloodhound Gang's _The Bad Touch_. Come on, dance with me."

She laughed nervously and moved away from me. "I don't know, Jake. I don't think you want to dance like we usually do."

I nodded. "You're right." I pulled her close again. "I want you to strip for me."

Her eyes widened. "No."

I pouted. "Please?" I knew she'd need some coaxing.

She licked her lips and looked down. "Jake, I don't know how to do that. I'm not . . . I feel so stupid even thinking about it."

I made her look at me again. "Ness, you are not stupid. I want to show you how. Please, baby? Try for me?"

She sighed and hesitated for a second. While she was thinking about it, I started to move a little bit and leaned down to repeat the words from the song into her ear.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel." I raised my eyebrows and smiled.

She laughed, and her cheeks turned red. "Jake . . ."

"You are very sexy, Ness. Even just standing there. You should dance with me so I don't look like an idiot."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She stepped closer to me, though, and did start to move. I held her hips and helped her ease into it a little more. The song changed, and she smiled up at me. "I think this was written for you. You brought sexy back."

I laughed and pulled her in tighter. "You see these shackles? Baby, I'm your slave." I slipped my hands under her shirt and started to ease it up.

She tensed up and put her hand on my wrist.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, but didn't move her hand. After a deep breath, she stopped moving at all and put her forehead on my chest. "I'm sorry, Jake. I can't do this."

As much as I had hoped I'd be able to talk her into it, I wasn't going to push it when she was obviously serious about it. I hugged her tightly and kissed her head.

"It's okay, baby. Will you dance with me the normal way?"

She nodded again and reached up to hold my shoulders. When she looked up at me, I saw the tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong?"

She sighed. "This is so stupid. I should be able to do this. I would have no problem taking off my shirt right now, or even getting completely naked, but the thought of doing that while dancing with you is unbearable. I don't get it. I don't understand why I can't just let it go and do what you want me to do."

"I don't know either, Ness, but I'm not going to let you beat yourself up over it. It really is okay if you're not comfortable stripping for me like that." I held her hips and started to move again. "Just calm down and have fun with this." She took a deep breath and let me guide some of her movements. "Do you think you could do something else for me?" I asked.

She looked at me skeptically. "Depends on what it is."

"Let me fuck you doggy style?"

She relaxed and smiled. "I think so. It's not much different from the way we've made love in the shower, is it?"

I shook my head. "No, not much. On the couch?"

She furrowed her brow. "The couch?"

I nodded. "Yep."

She took a deep breath. "I guess if I can make love with you on the kitchen table, I can try doggy style on the couch."

"That's my girl. I love you, Ness."

She stood on her toes and kissed my jaw. "I love you, too. Will you tell me something?"

I nodded. "Sure."

"What in the world are we listening to?"

I chuckled. "You don't like it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I don't know. I can't understand anything he's saying."

"I don't think it's meant to be understood. It's Sean Paul. I like the beat."

She smiled. "Oh, I got that part; he said 'I wanna be keepin' you warm' and something about sheltering from the storm."

"Girl, I got the right tactics to turn you on." I reached down and squeezed her ass.

"You sure do." She giggled.

I tried to lift her shirt again, and she tensed up. She looked at me apologetically, but I wasn't about to let it slow me down. "Would it be easier if I took mine off first?"

She pulled back from me and ran her fingers through her hair. "I can take my shirt off, Jake; that's not the problem—"

I made her look at me. "I know, Ness. It's the dancing. I know." I kissed her. "Let's get things started, shall we?"

She smiled and let me lift her shirt over her head. I twirled it around before I threw it somewhere in the vicinity of the hallway. She laughed and lifted up on mine. I put my hands over hers and shook my head. I was going to have a little fun with this.

"Why?" she asked.

"It's not called a strip-_tease_ for nothing." I went slowly, inching the fabric up over my stomach as I sashayed my hips. Nessie was cracking up by the time I reached my pecs.

"Jacob, just take it off," she said through her laughter.

I shook my head again and tried to give her a serious look. I couldn't stop smiling. "You got it, babe." I still took my time, but soon enough my shirt was flung in the same direction hers had gone. I pulled her close and kissed her as I palmed her tits. "Are you turned on yet?"

She laughed. "I think I'm more amused than anything. You're silly."

"Mm. Well, we're only half done." I hooked my thumbs in the waistband of her sweats and pushed them down. On my way, I kissed her nipples. Her hands gripped my hair to hold her steady as she stepped out of the pants. I kissed a path up her chest and throat back to her mouth, making a pit stop at her ear. "How about now?" I asked.

She met my eyes nodded. "Yes." I loved her breathy voice.

"Good." I didn't make a show of getting rid of my pants. I just wanted to fuck her. I kicked them off and led her to the couch. She looked up at me curiously like she was just waiting for instruction. There was nothing hotter than that look. I kissed her one more time and gently pushed her back. "Now get on your knees and rest your elbows on the back of the couch."

She nodded and did what I told her to do. "Like this?" She glanced back at me, and I just nodded as I looked her over. Her hair nearly reached her hips thanks to the curve of her back, and her ass stuck out like it was begging to be smacked. I reached out and squeezed it tightly, then smacked it. She moaned. I smirked; someone liked it. I did it again and got on my knees on the floor behind her so I could lick her pussy. The sounds she made only got me harder, especially when I made her cum. I kissed her ass cheek and stood up.

"Are you ready?" I asked. I went over to the entertainment center where we'd stashed a few condoms for the times we fucked out here. It was too much of a hassle to run back to the bedroom for one.

"I'm very ready," she purred.

She wanted to help me put the condom on, so I let her. She looked up at me through her lashes and licked her lips in a really fucking sensual way before she got back into position. I had a feeling that the more I got her out of her shell, the more of a wildcat she'd become. I was okay with that.

I put my left foot on the couch by her leg, took hold of her hip, and pushed in. She moaned again and put her forehead against the cushions. I helped her shift a little bit to make it more comfortable for both of us, then set a rhythm.

"Do you like this?" I asked. Like I really needed to; she was gripping the back of the couch hard as she whimpered with each thrust.

"Uh-huh." It was a sort of half-whimper followed by a loud moan. "God, yes."

"Me too."

I gathered her hair up and smoothed it down her back, then I took her shoulder and leaned over to kiss her ear. "You are so fucking sexy, Ness."

She turned her head and kissed me. "You too, Jake . . ." She gasped. "God . . . fuck me."

I kissed her shoulder and moved back again to make damn sure she was satisfied. I slapped her ass again, which earned me a little growl. When I felt the familiar tingle in my balls, I leaned over again and rested my weight on my arm, my hand next to hers. I pushed her hair out of the way, then I wrapped my other arm around her tightly and kissed her neck.

"Cum again for me, Ness," I said roughly. "Are you close?"

She whined. "I don't know . . . Maybe. Fuck, just don't stop, Jake."

I smiled against her skin and moved harder against her. I loved it when she swore for me. She must have been closer that I thought, because only a minute later she arched her back. She sucked in a quick breath and held it for a second before her pussy tightened around me. Her body shook as she gasped out the fucking sexiest moans. I buried my face in her neck and growled as the sensation overtook me. When it ended, I kissed her shoulder then her cheek, then I stood up and went to throw the condom away. When I came back, she was sitting on the couch with her hands overlapping each other on her stomach. Her chest heaved with her breaths, and she was looking at me with the most beautiful smile.

"That was fun," she said softly.

I sat beside her. "Yeah it was. I'm tired now; you wore me out."

"Then lay down."

I shifted to lay down on my back with my head on her lap. My legs hung over the side of the couch. She leaned down to kiss me and started to play with my hair.

"That isn't exactly what I meant, but this works."

I touched her tits. "Of course it works. I have the best view right now."

She laughed. "I love you."

I reached up to touch her cheek. "I love you, too."

Her brow furrowed. "But . . . you listen to some weird stuff. What is this song?"

"_Living Dead Girl_ by Rob Zombie, of course."

"I thought this was your sexy music?"

I shrugged. "I like the beat."

"Okay. It kind of sucks."

I poked her side. Before I could say anything back, she reached out and did the same thing to me. I squirmed and grabbed her wrist.

"Hey. None of that, woman."

She giggled. "Are you ticklish?"

I tightened my hold on her. "No," I lied.

"Yes, you are! Oh, my God, Jake, you are." She leaned over and got me with her other hand. I tried to grab her, but she was too fast. I couldn't sit up thanks to her all but pinning my head between her tits and her legs. We were both laughing when I pushed her back up enough to slip out of her hold and onto the floor. I got up as quickly as I could, expecting her to follow me. She didn't. She just sat back and crossed her legs, looking up at me with a very satisfied grin.

"What?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Nothing. I just like knowing that I'm not defenseless against you tickling me now."

I groaned. "You were never defenseless." I sat back down.

She leaned forward and kissed my shoulder. "No, but now I know I'm not the only one. It's nice."

She sat back. I chuckled as I laid down again and kissed her stomach. "Glad I could help."

She started to play with my hair again, and I closed my eyes to enjoy the peace.

"Is she singing in Spanish?" Ness asked a few minutes later.

I didn't open my eyes as I nodded. "Yep."

"This is not like that other one at all. Or any of the other ones I was capable of paying attention to."

I smirked. "Nancy made me put it on."

"Who?"

Shit. I opened my eyes and sighed. "Nancy. My ex."

She nodded. "Why did she make you put it on?" She asked the question like talking about my ex-girlfriend didn't bother her. It sure as hell bothered me.

I sat up and shrugged. "Something about romance."

Ness scooted up close to me. "You know, this doesn't upset me, Jake. So you have ex-girlfriends. You're with me now."

I turned my head and kissed her. "Yeah, but I know how I'd feel if you started talking about your ex-boyfriends."

"What ex-boyfriends? If you're talking about Greg, I never had time to consider him a boyfriend, so he doesn't count."

"That's not the point."

She pushed me back against the couch and crawled on my lap. I held her hips lightly and tried to ignore the feel of her still-damp pussy against my leg. "Jake, I know how you feel about me. There have been many times that I doubted it or didn't understand it, and I can't say I get it even now, but I know you love me. I'm not saying that I'm happy to know that other women have had this part of you, but it really doesn't bug me that badly. It used to, but I got over it. It's a part of your past and who you are. Tell me honestly; if I did have ex-boyfriends to talk about, wouldn't you be happy to know that _you_ are the one I ended up with?"

I nodded. "Yes, I would. Then I'd beat the shit out of them for hurting you."

She snorted. "You're completely missing the point. I know you're mine, Jake. It's pointless to try to hide the fact that you were with other women before me. If you really don't want to talk about them, then we won't, but I want you to know that I'm not going to get mad or upset or hurt if you tell me you were in love with someone else once upon a time."

What she said made sense in a way, but I had to correct her. "I never was in love with anyone else, Ness. I thought I was a time or two, but I didn't know what it was until I met you." I didn't care how corny it sounded; it was the truth.

She smiled the kind of smile that told me I'd just impressed her with my charm. "See? Who cares about those other girls? You're mine."

"I most certainly am." I kissed her. "And you're mine."

She nodded. "Yep." She kissed me again then sat back. "So can we talk about it a little bit?"

I sighed. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did she want you to put that Spanish song on the CD?"

I thought back to the day I'd made the CD. "It was only supposed to be something we'd play for sex, so I picked out songs I liked. She didn't like half the songs I wanted, not because she actually didn't like them, but because she thought they weren't romantic enough. She wanted me to put Yanni and shit on there. I finally let her put that one on because I could stand to listen to it when I f—" I cringed. "I'm sorry, Ness, this is too weird. I can't talk about fucking another girl."

She smiled sweetly and put her hands on my face. "That's okay. I think I understand anyway. Thank you." She kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Her grin got wider. "I bet you'd listen to Yanni while you made love to _me_."

I squeezed her hips. "For you, I'd do pretty much anything."

She licked her lips and looked down for a second. "Do you think we could make our own sexy music CD?"

"I'd like that a lot. You won't make me put Yanni on it, will you?"

She laughed. "I don't know; that depends on if you want that Zombie crap on it."

I wrapped one arm around her back and pushed up to turn us over. She gasped and held on to me tightly as I laid her on her back and hovered over her. "Let's go find out."

She nodded, and we got up.

* * *

The next day we had to go to the store to get shit she needed to make her cookies. She took her time walking down the aisles and picking out the ingredients. It probably shouldn't have surprised me that she'd need a lot of stuff. We didn't usually have much of a need for brown sugar, vanilla, or chocolate chips. I talked Ness into getting some peanut butter pieces, too, because I liked them.

When we got back to the house, she stalled for a while and asked me to run through the safety plan with her. We laid side by side on the living room floor for a good hour before she decided she was ready.

"What do we do first?" I asked. I rubbed my hands together as she opened the cookbook.

She took a deep breath and traced her fingers over the page she needed. "First we turn on the oven."

She told me the temperature, and I reached over to set it. We took it one step at a time, and I had to figure out the new mixer she'd gotten, but eventually we had the cookie dough ready to go. I took a scoop with my fingers and ate it. Ness gave me a look like she thought I'd gone mad.

"What?" I asked through a mouthful.

"That's raw cookie dough, Jake." She grimaced. "It's got raw eggs in it."

I shrugged. "Really? I had no idea."

She pushed my arm. "I'm serious; that's gross."

I shook my head and got another scoop. "No, Ness. Pizza and ranch is gross. Or fries and ice cream. Besides, I thought girls were supposed to like this shit. Have you ever tasted it?" I held some out for her.

She pushed my hand away. "No, I haven't. My dad said it could make me sick, so I never wanted to, either."

I leaned down with my elbow on the counter and met her eyes. "All right, I'll make you a deal. You try this, just once, and if you like it, I win. If you don't like it, we'll go get fries and ice cream, and I'll let you feed me."

She smiled wickedly and nodded. "Okay."

I held it out for her again, and she sucked it off my fingers. She met my eyes and purposely teased me with her tongue. I swallowed.

"Verdict?"

She sighed dejectedly. "It was pretty good."

"Ha, ha! I win."

"I'm not eating any more, though."

I kissed her. "That's okay. Let's get these in the oven."

We spooned the dough onto the cookie sheet, then I put it in the oven. She told me the time, and we used her timer to set it.

"Now what?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Quickie?"

She snorted. "Thanks, but no thanks. Not right now."

I rubbed her back. "I had to try. How are you?"

She shrugged and looked up at me. Her eyes were troubled, but she didn't look like it was too much for her.

"I think I'm doing okay. I'm nervous that they won't turn out right."

I pulled her close to me and kissed her. "They'll be fine, Ness. You did a good job, and I'm proud of you."

She smiled. "Thank you."

A few minutes later, the timer went off, and Ness got the pot holders to pull the cookie sheet out. They were obviously not done yet; the middle was still gooey. She put them back in and set the timer again.

"Poo," she said with a sigh. "I hate waiting."

I chuckled. "Me, too. I want some damn cookies." I got some more dough.

She smiled and leaned against the counter as she scooped some out and licked it off her finger. I smirked at her. She started to get antsy, but finally the timer went off again. This time she groaned when she pulled the sheet out.

"That was premature congratulations, Jake," she said seriously. "These cookies are charcoal."

They were pretty black. I hadn't checked the time she set the second time, but it wouldn't have surprised me if she set it for the full amount. I poked a few of them with the spatula. "They're not charcoal; they're just . . ." I hit the very edge of one, and it crumbled. "Really burnt."

She groaned again. "I just . . . you saw them, Jake, they weren't done before! What did I do?"

I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. I wasn't sure how to tell her what went wrong without making it sound like it was her fault. I didn't know how her and her dad did their baking. If he was the one that did all the timing, she probably just didn't know any better.

"Well," I started. "How long were they in the second time?"

Her eyes went wide, and she looked up at me with a heartbreaking expression. "Oh, God, I did another ten minutes."

"It's not that big of a deal, Ness. We'll just—"

She turned away and sniffled. "It might not be that big of a deal to you, Jake, but this is really damn important to me."

I sighed and dropped the spatula on the stove top. I went to her and pulled her into a hug. "I know it's important, Nessie. I'm not trying to say it's not. I'm just saying that there's a lot more dough left; we can try again."

She didn't say anything for a few minutes. She just held on to me and cried quiet tears. Finally she pulled back and wiped her eyes. "Let's try again."

We threw away the charred ones and got the next batch ready. I suggested that we just add two minutes to the original time and see how that worked. She agreed, and we waited again. That time, they actually turned out perfect. We had the third batch in before she let me try one.

"These are awesome, Ness."

She got one for herself and frowned at it. "Not really."

I gave her a look. "I know good cookies when I taste them. Don't undermine my expertise."

She smiled, but it wasn't very convincing. "They're not as good as they used to be."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "It'll get better, baby."

She shrugged as much as she could in my arms. "Maybe."

"No, not maybe. It will. It has before."

She looked up at me. "You're right; it has."

I kissed her lips. "Just trust me, okay?"

"I'll do my best."

We finished up the rest of the cookies then cleaned everything up. I had an ancient cookie jar that hadn't been used in over a decade, and Nessie washed it to put the cookies in.

"It's cute," she said, stepping back to look at it on the counter. It was ceramic and shaped like a small picnic basket.

"It was my mom's." I smiled. "I remember her smacking my hand when I'd try to reach in there when I wasn't supposed to."

She laughed. "We had one that made noise. It was a cow. I learned how to open it without it making any sound, though, so I could be stealthy when I stole the cookies before dinner." She took a deep breath and adjusted the jar a half a centimeter.

I called Dr Furst's office a little bit later to get our appointments changed to Fridays since I'd be working every Tuesday from then one.

Sunday was a lazy day. Ness and I just stayed inside and watched movies all day. I was in the mood for something action or even remotely exciting, but she picked out _Beaches_.

"Please?" she asked.

I sighed. "Ness, it's all . . . girly and stuff. No guy in their right mind would watch this shit."

"Then why do you have it?" she challenged.

Good question. I couldn't remember where the hell it'd come from. "I have no idea. Now would be a good time throw it away."

She stepped away from me and hid it behind her back. "Come on, Jake, don't be like that. Just this one and I promise I'll watch whatever you want after it. Even that _Die Hard_ or whatever it is."

"You'll have to do better than that if you want me stay conscious."

She licked her lips and thought for a second. When she looked at me, I could see in her eyes that she'd had a brilliant idea.

"Okay. How about this: If you watch this movie with me and stay awake through it, I will give you a blow job."

I think my jaw dropped. "Really?"

She nodded. "Really. A full one."

There wasn't much thinking needed for this deal. "You got it, babe."

The movie was torture. Ness curled up against me and cried a little toward the end. I really fought to stay awake; I wanted my prize. It took forever, but eventually the movie was over. I gave her a few minutes to recover from the apparent sadness of the film.

She looked up at me and kissed my jaw. "You did it."

I nodded and rubbed her back. "Surprised?"

"No, not surprised. Impressed, maybe. And happy. Thank you." She got on her knees beside me and kissed me again. "I love you."

"Love you, too. When do I get my reward?"

She laughed and pulled back. "Down, boy. Do I need anything?"

"Nope, just your mouth and my dick."

She blushed and looked down. "Okay. I guess you get it now then."

I had her put one of the cushions under her knees when she got down onto the floor. She got started on her own, but after a few minutes she seemed to get nervous. I held her hair and told her she was doing an amazing job. It felt like fucking heaven. I realized a little too late that I should have told her to grab a towel or something. When I started to feel like I was going to cum, I pulled back on her hair enough to get her to stop.

"What?" She looked up at me with a worried look on her face.

I put my hand over hers and helped her keep up the motion. "Don't stop yet, babe. I just don't want to cum in your mouth."

She nodded. "Okay."

I helped her give me what I needed until my release hit. My cum landed on her shirt and even a little on her cheek.

"Sorry, babe."

She smiled. "Don't be."

"You're not mad?"

"No. Why would I be? This isn't the first time I've had your cum on me."

"Yeah, I know, but I guess I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it on your face."

She leaned forward and kissed my stomach. "I really don't mind. I'm just grateful you didn't do it in my mouth." She carefully pulled her shirt over her head and cleaned herself off with it. "I'll be right back."

I pulled my pants back up while I waited for her. By the time she got back, I had _Die Hard_ ready to go. She laughed and sat next to me.

* * *

Harry and his ground crew had already started to get the lot prepped for the foundation when I got to work Monday morning. I met Harry in the office and went over some basic details and plans. Once we had everything down, he left to let me do my job. Six of the ten guys on my team already knew me from the previous project, so it wasn't a huge ordeal getting myself settled as foreman. It still felt weird to call myself the boss.

"This is exciting," Seth said when he showed up.

"You're late."

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm sorry. My alarm didn't go off."

I nodded. "Listen, Seth, I get that you're here because Harry wants to give you a chance. I just want you to know that I'm not going to go easy on you just because I like you. You're here to work, and you damn well better get here on time and do your share."

He straightened up and nodded. "Yes, sir. I won't let you down, Jake."

I patted his shoulder. "I know you won't."

The first few days of a job were always the most challenging when the guys found their places with each other and the site. I had to break up a few fights that day. I really hated it; I would rather let them go at it until they settled it themselves, but that wasn't what a good foreman did. I told them all if anyone was going to beat someone up, it would be me and I'd be kicking their asses.

I was exhausted by the time I made it home that day. Ness had made dinner, then we took a shower together and just relaxed the rest of the day.

Seth was having a hard time getting settled into the grind. By Wednesday, he'd had over half of the guys threaten to kick his ass if he didn't stay out of their way. He came up to me several times in the span of just a few hours with the most inane questions. I tried hard to be patient with him, but it wasn't working well.

Wednesday when he came back from his lunch break, I pulled him into the office. He swallowed and acted like he was afraid I was going to fire him.

"You're not going anywhere, Seth; I don't have authority to fire anyone."

He chuckled nervously. "I guess that's good."

I sat down and sighed. "So what's going on?"

He shrugged. "I don't really know what I'm doing. I guess I thought I'd be able to figure it out, but it's not as easy as I'd hoped."

I shook my head. "No, it's not easy."

"But Leah . . . and you . . ."

"Seth, Leah grew up around it all. She visited sites when she was a kid and learned how to do basic shit before she turned ten. I had a good mentor, and I've been in it for damn near eight years. It's not something you can just learn overnight."

His face brightened. "Could you teach me? Be my mentor?"

I sat back with a groan. "Aw, fuck, Seth, I'm not a goddamned tutor."

"But you're good, and I could learn a lot from you."

I stood up. "Harry told me to watch over you, and I'm doing my best. I'm not a fucking tutor, though. Either get with it and pay attention or get the fuck off my site."

I walked out and went back to work. Not even a few hours had passed before I started to feel bad about what I'd said. It might not have been my idea to get into construction in the first place, but if Adam hadn't shown me what to do, I wouldn't be where I was today. It had given me an outlet that I had really needed at that time. Still needed, in fact. I remembered how he'd literally guided my hand when he taught me something new or challenging. I knew I wouldn't have the patience Adam did, but I also knew I couldn't just leave Seth to it and hope he didn't get himself killed. With a sigh, I walked over to him standing near the northeast survey point.

"Don't expect me to show you mercy," I said. "You want to learn, you better be prepared to do it."

He smiled his trademark goofy grin and nodded. "I told you before I won't let you down."

"We'll see." I slapped his back, and we got to work.

* * *

"So the party is next Friday at two o'clock, right?" Ness asked. My birthday was coming up, and I'd been told by several people I couldn't skip it.

"Yep. I told Leah we could do it at her place so she wouldn't have to go anywhere, but she said it'd be less stress if she didn't have to deal with everything there." Leah was getting more used to the idea of being pregnant and fragile. She still wasn't thrilled about it, but at least she wasn't complaining every five seconds.

"How many people will be there?"

I shrugged. "Leah and Sam, Seth . . . I think Izak and Paul said they wanted to crash the party. Harry and Sue, probably. A few, I guess."

She nodded and licked her lips. "Will there be lunch, or is it just your basic birthday party with cake and presents?"

"I don't know; why?"

She looked up at me like she was startled for a second, then she overcompensated and tried too hard to be nonchalant. "Oh, I don't know. It's nothing, really." She peeked at me, and I knew something was up.

"What's wrong?"

She started to pick at her fingernails. "It's stupid."

I smirked. "You know, when you say that, it really means it's important and bugging you, so I'm just going to push harder until you tell me." I pulled her onto my lap on the couch and kissed her. "So just get it over with. Do you not want to have a crowd here?"

She sighed. "It's not that. It's the opposite of that, in fact." She hesitated for a second before she met my eyes. "I'm excited."

I wasn't expecting that. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've never been a hostess before. Well, I've never had people over to entertain before. I know it's not going to be that kind of party, but I'm still eager to do it. Is that silly?"

"So, let me make sure I understand this. You're excited to have a bunch of people over here to make a mess and have to clean up after them?" She made no sense sometimes.

She laughed quietly. "Yes, I am. I know you're not a people person, Jake, and that you'd probably rather have something really small with just me and Leah, but you've been to parties and had to clean up after friends. I haven't. The closest I've ever come to having this kind of thing is when my dad and I would visit my Grandpa Charlie. I didn't have friends to come over for birthdays or just to hang out."

When she put it that way, I really did get it. I smiled and kissed her again. "In that case, Nessie, I'm glad we're having it here. I'll let you do all the mingling and everything, okay?"

She smiled and rested against me. "Okay." She nuzzled against my neck for a moment. "So what do you want for your birthday?"

I shook my head. "You can't get me anything."

I felt her frown. "Why not?"

I shrugged and tightened my arm around her. "You wouldn't let me get you anything for your birthday, remember?"

She sat back, pulling away from me. "That's not fair. Letting you do anything at all was a really big stretch for me."

"I know, Ness, but I'm serious. You don't need to get me anything for my birthday. I have you."

She raised an eyebrow. "You being sweet isn't going to change my mind. If you don't give me any ideas, I'll come up with something on my own."

Dammit. I knew she would, but I really wished she wouldn't worry about it. It didn't feel right to expect her to do anything special even though I knew how she felt. Then I thought of something.

"All right. If you really want to do something, you can bake me some brownies."

She scrunched her nose. "You saw how well the cookies turned out."

"They turned out perfectly. Besides, cookies and brownies aren't the same thing." I pulled her close again and kissed her head. "Will you try? It's what I'm asking from you for my birthday." I pouted as best as I could.

She stared at me for a second before she sighed. "I'll try."

I smiled. "Thanks, babe."

"I really wish you would let me get you something else, though, like an actual present." She leaned into me again and kissed my jaw. The way she looked at me with her big brown eyes and full lips stirred something deep inside me. She tilted her head down a little but kept eye contact with me. "Please?"

Whatever the fuck she was doing, she knew how to do it. "Why?"

She started to play with my hair at the back of my head as she leaned in a little more. "Because I love you and it's your birthday. I think I understand now why mine meant so much to you. Brownies alone can't tell you how happy I am to have you in my life."

When she put it like that . . . "Nothing big, baby."

She kissed me. "Thank you. I promise it won't be anything big. I don't have a lot of money, so I couldn't really do much anyway." She shrugged and sat back.

"Tell me how much you think you'll need." I knew she'd been trying to keep our expenses separated even when I'd been doing everything I could to mix them together. What was mine was hers.

Her brow furrowed. "No; I'm not going to make you pay for your own present. That totally defeats the purpose."

I had a feeling things were about to get very tricky. I sighed and squeezed her hip. "Ness, listen to me. You live here, and we're sharing everything else anyway. I'm not trying to pay for my own thing, okay? I just want to make sure you have enough to get whatever it is you want to get for me. I'm just taking care of you."

She nodded and started to pick at the shoulders of my shirt. "I know, Jake. I do, but I want to do it myself. I have the money from the flower arrangement still, and I want to use that. It would make me feel better to know that I can do things like that."

She did the thing with her eyes again, and as much as I wanted to argue with her, I wanted to make that look go away even more. At the end of it all, I really just wanted her to be happy. If she wanted to get whatever for me using her own money, then I wouldn't complain. I leaned in and kissed her lips.

"Okay."

She smiled. "Thank you."

"But, you have to promise me something." She nodded. "If you need something or want something special and don't have the money for it, ask me. Please."

She took a deep breath and nodded again. "Okay. I promise. What if it's something that I don't want you to know about, though, like a surprise?"

"Then tell me I can't know what it is. I trust you, Ness. I know you're not going to ask for a bunch of money and go gamble it or spend it all on something like an outrageously expensive pair of shoes."

She laughed and shook her head. "You're right; I wouldn't do that. I love you, and I'm glad you trust me. I couldn't take advantage of you."

"I know, babe."

* * *

Friday we had therapy. We did separate sessions like we had done before. Ness was crying again when she came out, but she said she was okay. It was just the emotional things they'd talked about. I hated that I didn't know if any lines had been crossed or if I needed to kick the good doctor's ass. I brought it up in my hour, and Dr. Furst just smiled.

"You need to trust her, Jacob."

"I do trust her. It's you I don't trust."

He nodded. "I understand. Talk with her about it, then. I can promise her session with me is just as professional as yours is."

He could promise all he wanted, but I would wait to hear it from her. We talked about the new job and taking Seth on as an unofficial apprentice. He thought it would be good for me.

As we were getting ready to leave, Dr. Furst's secretary told us he'd be out of town the next Friday and asked us if we wanted to reschedule. We decided to skip a week and go back to it after he came back.

When Ness and I went back home, we talked a little bit about therapy. I told her I didn't like the idea of her being away from me during her session. She told me that was part of the reason it was so important. Not just for her, but me as well. It was what Dr. Furst had explained before, but I didn't like to hear it. She said he had been nothing but professional when he talked to her. I wasn't concerned about physical advances, although when I got to thinking about it, I did make her promise to tell me if he did anything like that. I was more concerned with him pushing her talk about something she didn't want to or asking questions specifically to spark a painful memory. None of that happened, she said.

I did feel a little better about it all after our talk. She got on the computer for a little while to check up on her forums. It had been a few days since she had. While she did that, I found something to watch on TV.

"Jake?" Ness called a little while later.

"Yeah?"

"Come here?"

I got up and went to see what she wanted. "What's up?"

She was sitting on the side of the bed with my journal in her hands. "Can I read this?" she asked.

I raised my eyebrow. "Are you serious?" I didn't care if she did; it just surprised me that she wanted to. I had figured girls thought it was some kind of depraved violation to read someone else's journal or diary or whatever.

She crawled across the bed and leaned over to dig something out from under her side. I took the few seconds she was bent to admire her ass. When she sat back up, she held out a small blue book with the word "Diary" on the front. "Yeah. I'll let you read mine."

I'd known about that little book for a long while, ever since she moved in with me. For the first time in my memory, I'd been a good boy and left it alone, though. I respected her enough to keep my nose out of it. Given the opportunity, I really couldn't pass it up. I nodded and sat next to her.

"Really? Okay."

She handed it to me, then leaned back to get mine from the other side of the bed. She scooted back and sat against the headboard, not wasting a single second as she opened the book and started to read. She smirked and glanced at me after reading the first entry. I figured if we were doing this now, I might as well dig in to hers. I got up and sat beside her, then cracked open her diary.

There had been a bunch of pages—almost half of them—ripped out. The first few pages left were blank, so I flipped through them until I came to one with writing. It was dated February fifth, and the only thing written was, _I don't know. We'll see_.

I furrowed my brow and turned to the next one. It was dated February twelfth. It was a little longer, but not by much.

_He didn't abandon me. I guess I can say he's still a kind of a friend. Maybe. _

I flipped ahead a few pages. There wasn't a date, but the entry was longer.

_I love him. I, the lonely freak with daddy issues, have fallen in love with Jacob Black. I wish I could be happy about it. He's mad at me. I can feel it. I want him here so badly, but I'm so scared. I know he'll leave if he finds out because he gets so upset just being near me. I don't know what I've done. I don't even care what I've done. It doesn't matter because he doesn't love me regardless. I miss him._

I looked over at her. She was studying the things I'd written like she thought there might be a test on it later. I smiled and reached over to touch her shoulder. I really wished she would have said something when she started to fall in love with me. It didn't matter much now; there wasn't anything we could do about it. We were together now, and that was all that mattered. It still didn't feel very good to know that she'd suffered more pain than was necessary on account of me. She looked up and smiled at me briefly, then turned back to my journal. I flipped ahead again in hers.

The handwriting was terrible, and again there was no date, but the subject gave the timing away anyway. It was when she'd been hurt and I was staying with her.

_He kissed me. Me. Of all the people he could choose, he kissed me. My lips are still tingling. If only I could forget all that happened afterward and just recall the feel of his lips on mine. But I can't. He got upset like I knew he would. My heart hurts because I just want him to . . . I don't know. Love me back. Want my kiss like I want his. I don't want to be some pity crusade. I don't want or need his pity. I want and need him. All of him. God, I just . . . I love him._

I remembered that day vividly. She'd taken a bath, then we talked about things before I did what I had thought had turned out to be a mistake. If I'd been smarter about all of it, I would have talked to her instead of assuming she was freaked out. I remembered that look she'd give me that I had thought meant she wanted a kiss. I knew now that was exactly what she wanted, but back then I'd been stupid.

Ness sniffled, and I looked over at her again. She wiped her nose on her arm and turned the page. Then she made a noise like she was offended by something.

"Jacob . . . you stopped."

I smirked. "Yeah, I can't write in it all the time."

She put it down and got on her knees. "Are you done?" She gestured to the book in my hands.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just getting to the good stuff now like how you actually did want me to kiss you the day before your birthday."

She blushed and nodded. "Yeah."

"And you let me believe that you were upset about it." I clicked my tongue. "Ness, you're a tease."

She scoffed. "I was surprised. It's not every day a really hot guy like you . . . well, okay, you do kiss me every day now, but then, it was really shocking for me."

I leaned over and kissed her just because I could. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Why did you tell me you weren't afraid to have kids?"

Here we go. I put her diary down and pulled her onto my lap. She straddled me and held my shoulders. "Because I didn't think I was."

She nodded. "Can we talk about this a little bit? I want to say something about it."

"Yeah." I lightly combed my fingers through her hair and waited while she decided on what to say.

"You mentioned in there that you wouldn't ever want to put someone else through the things you've gone through. Do you mean like passing the bipolar stuff to your kid?" She picked at my shirt as she spoke.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, pretty much. I know what a bitch it is, Ness. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. An episode or two for people who really piss me off, sure, but not the whole thing. I can honestly say it's come close to ruining my life more than once."

She put her hands on my face and kissed my lips. "I understand, Jake. I really, truly do. I inherited photosensitivity from my mother, and there is a really good chance that any kid I have will get it, too. I know it's not as well-known or as . . . threatening, I guess, as being bipolar is, but it really sucks. I hate my skin so badly all the time because I can't do things like normal people. The thought that I could give it to someone else does scare me. So, yeah, I get what you mean."

She started to pull away from me, but I held her close. "But you'd do it to have a baby?" I asked. I wondered why; it didn't seem worth it.

She nodded. "Yeah, I would. Because I've learned how to deal with it. I've made mistakes, and I could teach him or her to avoid them. Just like you could. You could teach your child how to live a better life while still having those afflictions."

"I'm not a very good teacher, Ness. Seth's going to learn that the hard way."

"I disagree with you, Jake. You've taught me how to be okay with myself. I don't think anyone else could have done that."

What she said surprised me. "I didn't teach you anything."

She smiled and leaned in a little closer. "Yes, you did. You taught me how to trust and how to love. You showed me that it's okay to be happy. You never gave up on me."

I wasn't even sure what we were talking about anymore. I didn't know if she was talking about herself, Seth, or a kid. I swallowed and shifted under her. "That's not the same thing."

"I know, but it proves that you're not as terrible as you think you are."

I wrapped my arms around her tightly. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just kept my mouth shut. She kissed my neck. We stayed that way on the bed for a while. It felt good to just hold her and not worry about other shit. After a while, she started to talk about some of the things that had been going on in the forums. Her friend Angel had gotten engaged, and some other girl had had a bad breakdown. We finally got up when we were hungry and went to make something for dinner.

The next day, Nessie wanted to try to make some brownies.

"The party's not for a week, Ness," I told her.

"I know, but I want to make sure I actually can make them before I ruin your birthday."

I snorted. "You couldn't ruin my birthday if you tried." I kissed her. "You want some help with the baking?"

She pursed her lips. "Maybe. I don't know. I want to be able to do it by myself because you can't help me make the ones for Friday."

"Why not?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Because it's your birthday, and you are not allowed to make your own brownies." She said it like it was an indisputable law.

I held my hands up. "Okay. How about you let me know if you need my help?"

"Okay." She stood on her toes to kiss me. "Go write in your journal or something."

I chuckled. "I'm not letting you in that anymore." I was just joking; I didn't care if she poked around in it.

She pouted. "Well, fine. Then I won't let you in on all my juicy secrets."

I pinned her against the counter. "Since when do you have juicy secrets that you keep from me?"

She put her hands on my chest and looked up at me through her lashes. She'd been doing that more often lately. I wondered if she knew just how sexy it was.

"Since you started to show me that there are more options than just the bed when it comes to making love."

And now I was in trouble. "So you're telling me that you think about fucking me in new ways?"

She smiled coyly. "Maybe."

"Like what?"

"Nuh-uh. I told you I wouldn't let you in on my secrets."

That had to be the most diabolical thing she'd ever done to me. I narrowed my eyes. "You're evil."

She laughed and kissed my chest. "I am not."

Two could play at that game. I kissed her lips. "Okay, well, you keep your secrets as long as you can. I'll have you begging me in no time."

She blushed deeply and put her forehead between her hands. I heard her mumble something, but I couldn't make out the words. I made her look up at me.

"What was that?"

She licked her lips. "I said I know you will."

It seemed she was looking forward to the game. In that case, I'd let her play it. I kissed her one more time and pulled back. "You get to baking and let me know if you need me."

She cleared her throat and nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

She did end up asking me to test the batter before she put it in the oven. I told her it was perfect, and she sent me away again. She asked me to come back and test them when the timer went off to make sure they were done. The toothpick I'd put in came out clean, so I declared them brownies. We had to wait a little while for them to cool before we cut into them, and in the meantime, I teased Ness as much as I thought I could get away with. I kissed her, touched her, got close and damn near made out with her, but I always stopped before it got heavy. I really was going to make her beg for it.

"Let's check them now," she said after I pulled back from another kiss.

I nodded and got a knife out for her. She looked at me excitedly for a second before she cut into them. The crunching sound they made wasn't a good sign. The first one she pulled out was hard as a rock. She sighed dejectedly.

"It's official, Jake; I can't bake anything."

I rubbed her back. "Nothing's official, and this is only your second time trying. First time with these. Don't give up, Ness."

"What did I do wrong?"

I didn't have any ideas, so I just shrugged. She put the knife down and pushed herself against me. I held her tightly for a few minutes.

"Promise me something, Ness."

She looked up at me. "What?"

"You need to try again. It doesn't have to be right away, but I want you to give it another shot soon."

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded. "Okay."

I kissed her lips. "That's my girl."

I helped her clean everything up, then we played some board games for a while.

* * *

The next week at work was a little trying, but things were starting to smooth out more each day. With Seth as my apprentice, I was able to get into the work more, which I liked. If I was being honest with myself, it did feel good to be able to teach Seth what I knew. I gave him techniques I'd learned over the years that no trade school would think about. What I liked the most, though, was that look on his face that told me he understood what I was saying. Some things took him a while, and others he got right away. He was smart, too, and challenged me when he thought he could do it better. He was even right once or twice.

Ness and I continued to talk about things and work through our issues. I was so happy we were getting better. I don't think either of us liked to bring up the fight we'd had, but it was always nice when the conversation was over and I felt even closer to her than before. I had her begging to fuck on the couch again by Tuesday. After she gave in, I let her back into my journal. She got me to tell her about my ex-girlfriends. Why she wanted to know, I would never understand, but she did. She seemed a little surprised when I told her that Nancy was my next-door neighbor for years until she moved away sometime in January. Even though Nessie'd said it didn't bug her, I still felt uneasy when I told her about Kaitlyn and Linda, the two girls I'd dated a few years before I met Leah. They weren't simultaneous, but they both had a pretty big hand in my decision to swear off girls and relationships, which led to my decision to be with Leah the way I was at first. Kaitlyn was the first, and it was around the time my dad had first gotten sick. She didn't think it was that serious and wanted me to pay more attention to her than him. I called it bullshit and broke up with her. Linda seemed different at first, but in the end she got jealous when my dad, who was starting to have problems with his eyes and his feet, got more of my time than she did. After Linda, I decided I was done with women of any kind; my dad was more important than a convenient pussy.

Friday seemed to creep up on me too quickly. Nessie woke me up with a surprise birthday blowjob.

"Good morning," she said with a grin when I'd finished. She was prepared with a washcloth to clean herself up, then she laid down beside me.

I kissed her lips. "Morning. Thank you."

She smiled. "You're welcome. Happy birthday."

I grimaced. "Don't remind me."

"The proper response is, 'Yes it is, thank you.'"

I turned on my side and lifted up on my arms to hover over her. She laughed and put her hands on my shoulders like she really thought that would keep me from doing whatever I wanted. "The _proper_ response is whatever the fuck I want to say. It's my day, remember?"

Her smile grew wider. "You're right. I'm sorry."

I kissed her again and got up. "I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?"

She smiled and crawled off the bed. "Pancakes with bacon and coffee."

I pulled my shorts on and walked with her down the hall. I noticed the sweet smell of syrup. "Damn, Ness, you didn't really have to cook for me. How long have you been up?"

She shrugged. "A few hours, I guess. You've been working so hard, and I don't think you've been getting enough sleep, so I made sure I didn't wake you up earlier."

I checked the clock on the microwave and was a little shocked to find it almost noon. "Wow."

She handed me a plate. "I figured since we're not doing a lunch, I'd make a big breakfast thing so you won't be hungry when the other people get here."

I took it and went to the table. She followed me with a cup of coffee. "I don't even know what to say. This is perfect, Ness, thank you."

She kissed me and sat down beside me. "Don't thank me until you try it. If it's not any good, don't feel like you have to choke it down, okay?"

I smirked. "Hush and let me eat, woman."

She laughed, but I could tell she was tense. Of course everything was great. The pancakes were a little on the dry side, but the syrup helped that, and there really wasn't a way she could have gone wrong with the bacon. She relaxed after I told her everything was good.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I already did."

After I talked her into letting me help clean up the kitchen from breakfast, she kicked me out and said I wasn't allowed back in until she was finished baking her brownies. I went to the living room and found a package sitting on the entertainment center. It was roughly the size of a VHS tape and wrapped in some blue paper. The tag was made of a smaller piece of wrapping paper folded in half and taped to the front. It said, "Happy birthday, Jacob. Love, Renesmee."

I smiled and set it back down before I turned on the TV to veg for a while. Ness came in and laid down next to me—pretty much on top of me—on the couch. Her second attempt at brownies had turned out much more successful, she said. I was excited to try them later.

Leah and Sam were the first ones to show up at one thirty. Leah handed me a standard-sized gift box. I already knew what it was, and I smirked as I took it. "Thanks."

She smiled and hugged me. "Just keeping up with tradition."

I smirked and set the box on the entertainment center with Nessie's. "I figured you would."

Nessie looked confused. "What?"

"My dad started something when I turned sixteen. Every year, he'd get me a shirt with something stupid or funny on it for my birthday. That's why I have so many. After I met Leah, she started to do the same thing."

She nodded. "Oh, I see." She stood on her toes to kiss me. "Are you going to wear one?"

"I'm dressed enough."

She raised her eyebrow at my bare chest. "You're not dressed at all."

I scoffed and picked at my shorts. "What do you call this?"

"I call that laziness," Leah chipped in.

"Hush. It's my birthday; I'll be lazy if I want."

I did eventually give in and went back to the bedroom with Nessie to get dressed before anyone showed up. I let Nessie pick out a shirt for me and smiled when she handed me a gray one with the word "stud" and a picture of a muffin on it.

"That one's too small, Ness. I got that one when I was eighteen, I think. Nineteen, maybe."

She raised her eyebrows. "And you still have it?"

"Sure. I've never gotten rid of any of them."

She quirked her lips. "So . . . can I wear it?"

I kissed her. "Absolutely."

While she got it on, I found the one Leah'd given me the year before with a candle on it. It said, "It's my birthday; blow me."

Nessie laughed when she saw it. "I like it."

I admired her in my old shirt. It was still big on her, but it looked damn good. Leah got out her camera when we went back to the living room. Ness surprised me by ducking behind me.

"No, you can't hide from this," I told her. "If I have to suffer through pictures, then so do you."

She grumbled. "But I hate getting my picture taken."

I sat down on the couch and pulled her onto my lap.

"Just a few," Leah begged. "Please?" She pouted.

Nessie sighed. "Fine." She sat up straighter and turned so her back was against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her stomach, and she put her hands over mine. We both smiled. Leah took three of them and showed Nessie how to work the camera to see what she'd gotten.

Nessie cooed and brought it over to show me. "I actually really like this one."

It was pretty good. She looked sexy, and there really wasn't any denying that we looked good together. I kissed her cheek. "And you said you hated it."

She blushed. "Whatever." She took the camera back to Leah.

Harry and Sue along with Seth and his brothers all got there at two, and after them, Paul showed up. Izak was a little later, but his wife, Melanie, and their one-year-old son, Matthew, came with him. It was definitely a full house. Nessie seemed to be doing okay. She sat beside me and smiled while she talked to Melanie. She even got to hold Matthew for a little while. She looked happy at first but Matthew didn't want anyone but his mother.

Someone decided it was time for brownies, so Nessie went to get them and came back with one of the sparkling candles I'd given to her in the middle. I smirked and held the pan on my lap while everyone sang. I blew out the candle, and Ness leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"Congratulations, Jake; you're really twenty-six now."

I smiled and kissed her lips. "Thanks, babe."

Nessie thought the brownies were still a little dry, but I couldn't find anything wrong with them. They were delicious. Everyone else thought so, too.

After that, it was time to do the presents. Someone gave me a new tool belt, which I actually did need, and I also got a damn nice drill. Leah and Sam gave me a red shirt with Cookie Monster on it. I winked at Ness, and she blushed. Hers was the last one I opened.

It was a book. Or, rather, a journal. I looked at her sideways as I read the front of it out loud. "'My dysfunctions: A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial.'" I laughed. "Very nice. Thanks, Ness."

She beamed and kissed me. "You're welcome."

Everyone stayed for a little while longer until Leah had to go home. I gave her a hug and told her to take it easy. After everyone was gone, I helped Nessie clean up.

"You don't have to do this, Jake. There's not much."

"I know, but I don't want you to have to do it all."

We did the dishes, then went back to the bedroom to lay down together. I put my new journal with my notebook.

Ness rolled on her side and kissed my shoulder. "When I got that, I kind of thought you might like a place to write things that you don't want me to read. I don't want you to feel like you have to share everything with me. Some things are only meant for you."

I pulled her on top of me. "Thank you, baby. I really do like it."

She smiled and kissed me. "Good."

"So what should we do now?" I asked. I trailed my hands down her back and held onto her hips.

"I don't know." She looked up like she was thinking really hard, but as she did, she ground her hips against me. I chuckled and kissed her chest.

We still had a long way to go. Things weren't perfect yet, and it was likely that they wouldn't ever really get that way. But, they were so much better than they ever had been before. With a little patience and effort, I knew we'd only get closer.

* * *

A/N: Thank you all so very much for reading. There will be an epilogue, and hopefully I can get it up quickly.

There are some pictures from this chapter up on my profile, including the journal Ness got for Jake and his t-shirts. Also, the playlist for Jake's sexy music is up on the playlist site, givemeasignplaylist . weebly . com; the link is also on my profile.

A few notes about my writing plans: There will be a sequel to Give Me a Sign. I've picked out a title and started working on the playlist, but I don't know yet when I will be able to begin posting. I plan to make Blood Moon my main focus and the sequel a sort of a side project for now.

Some people have asked me if I intend to leave the fandom after my long stories are finished. My answer to that is a resounding "hell no." I love Jake and Ness, and writing them, too much to do that. I don't have any other multi-chap fics planned after Blood Moon, but that could change easily. I also intend to write many more oneshots and catch up on my reading! :)

I'm on Twitter: sheewolf85. I give writing updates and teasers, and I follow my ff and wolf girls back, so come join me!


	52. Epilogue

A/N: You guys own me. The reviews for the last chapter were so amazing. Many thanks to all of you. Hugs and kisses!

So, I guess this is it. *deep breath* I hope you guys enjoy this little glimpse into their lives a few months down the road.

* * *

Give Me a Sign

Epilogue

_You found me when no one else was lookin'  
How did you know just where I would be?  
Yeah, you broke through all of my confusion  
The ups and the downs and you still didn't leave  
I guess that you saw what nobody could see  
You found me _

-You Found Me – Kelly Clarkson

* * *

_**Renesmee**_

_Three Months Later – October, 2010_

"I can't believe we're really doing this!" I said excitedly as I pulled my light cotton jacket on.

Jake smirked and took my hand. "Honestly, I can't either."

We were on our way to the animal shelter to look for a dog. It had taken a little longer than I had hoped for both of us to be ready, but finally we were. We had talked over the last month about what kind of pet we would get when we got ready for one. I didn't like cats, but I would have settled for one if Jake hadn't agreed to get a dog. He made a strict stipulation that we could not get a German Shepherd, though. I was fine with that; I wanted an animal that was notorious for being friendly and sweet, and German Shepherds were not. We decided to just look around at first and see what was available and if any really stood out.

When we got there, Jake and I walked in hand-in-hand. There was a lady that looked to be in her mid-forties with a tight blonde bun and a pair of glasses hanging on a chain around her neck. She looked up and smiled at us.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I called earlier. We're looking at adopting a dog."

She lifted the glasses to read something in a book in front of her. "Oh, yes. Jacob, right?"

"That's me." He squeezed my hand.

"I'm Margret. We have a few dogs that fit what you said you were looking for. There's been quite a drop in adoptions lately, which has sadly left us with a large population. Follow me, please."

We followed her past a metal door into what looked like a hallway lined with cages. The sound was almost deafening; so many dogs all barking at once. She stopped in front of a cage and pointed at a dog that looked more like a mop. "This is Harriet. She came to us after her family moved to a place that didn't allow pets."

I stooped down and smiled at her. "Aw, she's cute." I reached my fingers in the cage, expecting to pet her, and jumped back when she snapped at me. Jake caught me before I fell over.

"Is she usually aggressive?" Jake asked.

Margret looked at the clipboard in her hand. "It doesn't say so, but she has gotten a little snippy with some of our volunteers."

Jake nodded. "I'm sorry, but we can't take her."

"I understand completely. Do you have children?"

"No, no kids, but we can't take an animal that we know won't work out. If the dog bites her—" he gestured to me "—I'll just be bringing it back." I had a feeling he censored his words for the sake of the other lady.

We looked at a few more animals, but none of them really felt right. One of them would have been perfect if he would have shown any interest in me or Jake at all. We left empty-handed that day.

"Don't be disappointed, Ness," Jake said as we went home. "We won't give up."

I smiled. "I know; I just really had my hopes up."

Over the next few weeks, we checked out a few different resources including the internet to try to find a pet. We hit dead ends on almost every turn, and I was really starting to doubt we'd ever find an animal that would work for us. Jake had put a fence up around the back yard and had the blueprints to a doghouse. He wanted to wait until we actually found one before he started to build it, though, so he could make any needed modifications.

Halloween seemed to come up too quickly. Jacob wore a shirt that said, "Cleverly disguised as an adult." I kind of wanted to dress up, but I wasn't sure what to do. Jake gave me one of his plain t-shirts and got a pair of pants from Leah that were baggy and long on me. He told me I was a thug. I didn't believe him, but I went with it as much as I could. We didn't go anywhere, but it was fun to give out candy to all the kids that came by.

The first week of November, Margret called us to say that they'd had a new dog brought in and she wanted us to come look at her. She explained on the phone that the dog was a well-mannered black Lab-Terrier mix. She was energetic, playful, and very sweet. I told Jake about it when he got home from work, and we went to check out the animal.

I held Jake's hand tightly as we walked down the dog hallway. Margret stopped in front of a huge cage. The dog inside jumped up on the side and barked.

"This is Faith," Margret said. "She was brought in a few days ago after being rescued from a neglectful owner. She had a few small injuries, but they seem to be healing just fine."

I put my hand through the bars and scratched her neck. She turned her head to lick my arm. "Oh, she's adorable." I couldn't see how anyone could neglect such a beautiful animal. I got a little closer, and she tried to lick my face through the door. I laughed and stepped back to look at Jake. "Can we see her?" I asked him.

He gestured to Margret. "By all means."

Margret smiled and led us and Faith to the little meeting room they had set up for possible adoptions. Faith really was a bundle of energy. She jumped around excitedly and even managed to get Jake to pet her a few times. There was something about her; I loved her immediately. Her fur was thin or bare in a few small spots, but it was obviously starting to grow back already. Margret said it was because of malnutrition. I got on my knees and laughed when Faith came up and licked me. I pushed on her backside above her tail and told her to sit down. It took a few tries, but eventually she did.

"My name's Nessie," I told her. "And you're Faith. Oh, you're so sweet." I scratched the sides of her head, and she stood up again, wagging her tail hard enough to shake her whole body. She ran over to Jake and jumped up on him, but he pushed her right back down.

"Don't do that," he told her. He pet her head and patted her side.

"I want her," I said, looking at Jake. "I really do."

Jake nodded. "She seems sweet."

It was settled. We weren't able to take her home that same day, but we only had to wait three days. I promised her before we walked out of the room that we would be back and take her to her permanent, loving home. Jake and I went out the next day and bought all the things we'd need like food bowls, food, and even a tag. Jake wanted to change her name, but I really liked it.

"Why don't you like it?" I asked him, honestly curious.

He shrugged. "It seems cliché, don't you think?"

I shook my head. "No. Sparky or Lucky or even Lady would be cliché. Faith is perfect, especially for us."

"It's too girly." He scowled.

"Jake, she _is_ a girl; she needs a girly name. We can't name her Buddy or Spike."

He sighed. "I guess if you really like it, we'll keep it."

We got the dog tag with her name on it. Jake started to build the doghouse, too. I helped where I could, but he wouldn't let me work with the nail gun by myself. He did show me how to use it, hovering over me the entire time. The nails were huge and scared me a little, but I managed to get five of them in before his breath on my ear and dirty hands guiding mine sent my body into a frenzy. Needless to say, work on the doghouse was postponed for a while. When it did get done, I helped Jake paint it.

We were finally able to bring Faith home on Saturday. She took the weekend to get used to her new home. Both Jake and I did our best to make her feel welcome. Jake insisted that she be kept outside at night after we woke up to a surprisingly large mess in the living room. I didn't like the idea, but I went along with it because I didn't like cleaning it up in the least.

The first week was a real challenge for both Jake and me. I felt like I was in over my head while Jake was at work and Faith had two accidents in the house. He would help me clean it up when he was home. I knew it wasn't her fault, and I tried really hard not to get mad at her. I yelled at nothing in particular and felt so bad when I heard her whimper. She was cowering in the kitchen and literally shaking.

"Oh, Faith," I said sadly. "Oh, baby." I sat down next to her and lightly petted her back. "I'm sorry." It took her a few minutes to calm down. She started to lick my hand, and I leaned down to kiss her head. "Mommy's sorry, baby. I was just mad, but not at you. I know it's going to take some work." I kissed her one more time and got up. "Want to go outside?"

Faith's ears perked up, and she got on her feet. Her tail started to wag immediately. It felt so good to know that she'd forgiven me. With timer and dog toy in hand, we went outside to play for a while.

I told Jake about the things that had happened that day when he got home from work. He was agitated already from some of his guys getting themselves into trouble, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when he got mad.

"What's it going to take to get the stupid mutt to stop?" he yelled.

"She just needs encouragement. She'll get there." I started to regret telling him at all.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Have you tried taking a newspaper to her?"

I furrowed my brow and took a step back. "Jacob Black, neither of us will beat that dog. I can't even believe you would suggest it." I couldn't imagine my Jacob doing anything like that, and it really hurt to know that he would.

"Come on, Nessie, I'm not saying we should beat her. I'm saying that maybe sometimes discipline is a better option. You don't want to use a newspaper, then don't. Rub her nose in it and throw her outside before you clean it up." He came closer to me and put his hands on my shoulders. "You know I wouldn't tell anyone to abuse an animal."

I did know that. He had just surprised me. I looked up at him with a smile and nodded. "Okay."

He kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

We ate dinner not long after, and Faith did her usual begging routine. She'd sit at the corner of the table right between Jake and me and just stare at one of us until we fed her. I usually gave in first. I couldn't stand to see the pleading look in her eyes.

"She still has food in her bowl; let her eat that," Jake said.

I scoffed. "Would you want to eat dog kibble every day?"

"It's good for her."

"Yes, but chicken is good for her, too." I pulled a piece off and tossed it for her. It didn't even make it to the ground. "Isn't it, baby?" I swear she nodded as she scooted closer and thumped her tail against the floor a few times.

Jake laughed. "I don't think you've eaten a full meal since we brought her home, Ness. At least half of it goes to the dog."

I shrugged and tossed another piece of meat. "I eat enough; I don't go hungry just to spoil her." It hurt my heart to think of whoever had her before not giving her anything to eat, kibble or otherwise. Sharing my dinner with her was just a way to prove to her that I would never let her go hungry. It made me feel good. I leaned down and let her lick my face. Jacob hated it, but I liked knowing that she loved me.

After dinner, we watched _Ghostbusters_. I curled up with Jake and a blanket, and Faith laid down at our feet. When the movie got over, we got ready for bed.

* * *

Having a dog in the house became a little easier for me as the days passed. Jake and I did start to discipline her when she crapped in the house. It was mostly Jake, though, because I couldn't stand the look in her eyes when I got after her. I was so proud of her the first time she whimpered at the back door then proceeded to use the bathroom outside when I opened it. I gave her a few extra treats.

Jake and I didn't always agree on methods to deal with Faith when she did not-so-good things. She chewed up one of my couch pillows, and he wanted to lock her in her crate. I wouldn't let him, though, because she didn't really have anything else to chew on. She had her toys, but none of them were soft and chewable like the pillow. Instead, I told her she was in time out and put her outside.

"She's not going to learn like that, Ness," he said after I let her back in fifteen minutes later.

I crouched down to scratch her neck and give her a kiss. "What good would it do to lock her up? It would only make her feel like she's done something bad."

He rolled his eyes. "She did do something bad! She ate your fucking pillow."

Faith didn't like it when either of us yelled, but it seemed to scare her more when it was Jake. I couldn't blame her; I wasn't nearly as impressive when I was mad. I gave her another kiss and stood up. "Calm down, Jake. It'll be okay. I have five others."

He sighed. "Okay, so we'll just give her another one. You've got plenty to spare."

I put my hands on my hips and stood in front of him when he tried to walk away. "What is this, Jake? She made a mistake; it's not that big of a deal. I'm not saying I'm proud of her for destroying our things, but I am saying that you need to chill out. You wouldn't lock a kid up for doing something he or she knows not to do."

He paused for a minute and ran his fingers through his hair. "Ness," he said calmly. A little too calmly. I swallowed and waited for whatever he needed to say. "Faith is not a kid. She's a damn dog. Dogs don't learn the same way."

"I know she's not a kid. I'm not that stupid. She's our pet, though, and it is our responsibility to teach her and help her figure it all out. We're her parents."

"No, we're not her parents. We're her owners. I'm not going to be a fucking dog's dad."

He just didn't get it. It frustrated me that he refused to even try. "You should have thought about that before you adopted her." I went to the kitchen to grab my timer, then Faith and I went outside.

From then on, I started to call myself Faith's mommy more often. I even went so far as to call Jake her daddy a few times. I knew it upset him, and I probably shouldn't have done it, but I was frustrated that Jake wanted to keep her separated from us like that. Like she wasn't a part of the family. I could literally feel the wedge the whole thing was driving between us, but a part of me wanted to ignore it and hope it all just resolved itself. It was stupid of me. I knew better than that. I brought it up once in therapy, and Dr. Furst even told me it wasn't a good idea to keep up what I was doing. He said it was destructive not only to my relationship with Jake, but also to myself. Even with his advice, I couldn't bring myself to let it go.

It was a week before Thanksgiving when it all blew up. Jake was still having trouble with a few of the men on his team at work and was upset about that, but on top of it, we hadn't made love in almost a week. I was being stubborn and had made some kind of internal decision that he wouldn't touch me until he acknowledged Faith the way I wanted him to. I couldn't remember actually making that choice, but it became clear after the third time he tried to seduce me and I turned him down. To make it all even worse, Leah was having more complications with her pregnancy as she got bigger. I knew Jake was worried about her. I was, too. She had been told that if she didn't stay down on bed rest like she'd been told to do at the beginning of the pregnancy, she'd be put in the hospital. Sam took some time off work to be with her, and I even went to help out when I could.

Jake and I hadn't really talked about much of anything for a few days. I hated being so far away from him and it really hurt that he wasn't making an effort. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't, either.

With all of our frustrations making both of us cranky, it really shouldn't have been a surprise when one of us cracked. I was in the kitchen Friday afternoon getting Faith's lunch ready for her. She sat at my feet looking up at me with an eager expression. Jake had brought his work home with him for the first time I could remember and was looking over some blueprints at the kitchen table. I really wanted to go sit down with him and ask him to show me what he was doing, but that felt like too much. There was too much distance between us for me to be able to do that. It hurt my heart, and I caught myself looking over at him several times. My eyes would linger on his back as I imagined so many different scenarios of how I could possibly fix this.

I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. My hand came down on the edge of Faith's bowl and knocked it off the counter. Kibble and canned dog food went flying, and the bowl hit her on the head. She didn't seem fazed; she just stood up and began to eagerly clean the floor.

"Faith, I'm sorry," I cried. I bent down and checked her head. She didn't pay attention to me. She was too busy eating. "Are you okay, honey? Oh, mommy's sorry."

Jake grunted. "What did you do?" he asked. I looked up to see him standing there looking at the mess.

"I dropped the bowl."

He rolled his eyes. "Typical."

I stood up. "Excuse me?"

He gestured to the floor. "She's fine, Ness, and you're making a big deal out of it."

"It hit her on the head, so yeah, I'm going to check her. Forgive me for caring about her." My eyes watered as I turned. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Before I could decide, Jake grabbed my arm and made me look at him again.

"Will you just stop all this bullshit? Stop acting like I don't give a fuck about the dog. You know I do."

I pulled away from him. "Adopting an animal isn't something you can ignore, Jacob. She's a part of our family."

He raised his hands out to his sides. "What family? Do you see a fucking family here? I sure as fuck don't."

My stomach dropped so hard and fast that I was surprised when I didn't throw up. "I thought we were; you and me?" My voice was desperate.

He took two steps back. "I know you've got some sick little fantasy game you're playing here, Ness, but you're wrong. You're not a mom, I'm not a goddamned dad, and that fucking dog is not our kid."

His accusation stung. I think I had known since this all started that he wanted to believe I was trying to make us a real mom and dad with Faith, but to hear him say it so bluntly felt like a slap across the face. Faith whimpered and tried to hide behind me. I sniffled and looked down as I patted her side. Before I said anything back to him, I took a moment to think over my words to at least try to make sure I didn't dig myself in deeper. I licked my lips and stood up straight.

"I'm sorry I assumed we were a family," I said softly, carefully picking my words. "I never wanted to make you angry or try to make us real parents. I just wanted you to want Faith here as much as I do."

"Did I ever say I didn't want her? If I didn't want her here, she wouldn't fucking be here. End of story." Jake took a deep breath and shook his head.

I tried so hard to rearrange my thinking with this new perspective. For months, I had believed that since Jake and I were together and growing closer each day, it meant I had a family again. It was nice to know that I really, truly belonged somewhere. Now, though . . . I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel now. I felt like that sense of security that I fit in with Jake's life had just been ripped out from under me. I needed some time to think about this.

"I assume the same goes for me?"

"What?"

I wiped my face and tried to calm down. "If you didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here?"

His brow furrowed. "No, you wouldn't be."

There was that, at least. I was still there, so I knew he still wanted me. I nodded. "Okay."

"Okay, what? Don't start this shit again, Ness; talk to me."

I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I just meant okay as in I accept that I'm here because you want me here."

He scoffed. "What, like you don't want to be here?" He stopped short and met my eyes. "You do want to be here, don't you?"

I nodded. "Yes, I do." I felt like I needed to reevaluate everything. I needed to rethink my place in the house. Physically, I knew nothing would change. It was like a puzzle, and the pieces I had thought fit together so perfectly were suddenly distorted.

He took a step closer to me. "But . . .?" His eyes were worried.

I sighed. "But I don't know how to make everything better."

"You better not be suggesting we break up or have time apart."

I shook my head. "No, of course not. I love you, Jacob, but I know you have to feel this distance, too. I don't know how to close it."

He stepped closer again and took my hand. "I don't either. But how about we start with you admitting that we're not the dog's parents."

My brow furrowed. "No." I took my hand from his. "I won't do that. Contrary to what you believe, when you adopt an animal it should become a part of the home. I get that things are different now, but I'm still her mommy. I'm not giving that up."

He moved back. "So you're just going to let it push us even further apart? That's real fucking smart, Nessie."

"What about you?" I demanded. "You're being an asshole, Jake. I've told you before that I'm not trying to turn this into a real mom and dad thing; I know she's a dog. But she's our dog. She's not just some mindless creature that we put here to reach a goal. She's got feelings and emotions, and if you don't believe that, just look at her. She's cowering right now because she's scared. If you can't accept that, then you are not the man I fell in love with."

He stood there quietly for a moment, clenching his jaw a few times. I waited for him to say something. Anything. Instead, he just shook his head and turned around to go back to his blueprints. I heard him mutter something that sounded like, "Useless waste of my time."

Instead of going after him, I cleaned up the kitchen and fed Faith the right way, then I went back to the bedroom. After a while, she came in and got on the bed with me. Jake didn't like it when she was on the bed, but I really didn't care much for his opinion at the moment, so I allowed it. She licked the tears from my face as I scratched her head.

"You're my good dog, Faith," I told her. "You'll always be my baby girl, no matter what Jake says." I hugged her and laughed when she pulled away only to lick me again.

Her ears perked up a moment before she sat up and turned toward the door. I looked up to see Jake standing there. I cleared my throat and thought about pushing Faith down, but I decided against it. Instead I just nodded toward him.

"Hi."

He came in and surprised me by patting Faith's head instead of making her get down. He sat down beside her and blocked her when she tried to lick him.

"Can we talk for a bit, Ness?" he asked.

My stomach twisted, but I nodded. "Yeah."

We did push Faith down, but she just jumped right back up after we'd moved to sit against the headboard. I had her lay down by my feet so she didn't bother Jake.

He took my hand and just held it in his as he stared at his lap for a moment. I wasn't sure what to say or even if I should speak. I waited instead and hoped he would say something soon. Finally, he sucked in a deep breath and looked at me.

"You said you weren't trying to make this a real mom and dad situation with Faith."

I wasn't sure if he was asking or stating, but when he didn't say anything else, I nodded. "That's right."

"What are you trying to do then?"

"Have you ever felt like you didn't belong somewhere, Jake?"

His brow furrowed, but he nodded. "Yeah."

"I have, too. It really sucks when you look around and realize that no one gives a shit about you. I don't want Faith to ever have to feel like that again. I get it that you don't agree with me calling myself her mommy, but I'm not going to change that. She belongs here. We're taking care of her. She can't feed herself or teach herself or let herself out, which means we have to be there for her to help her. That makes us more than just owners. I can own a book or a movie or a pair of shoes, but I can't own an animal. It's not right."

He made me look at him and kissed my lips. "So you're saying that you call yourself her mommy and me her daddy to make her feel more welcome in the house?"

I nodded. "I'm not trying to delude myself into believing she's a human baby, Jake. I know that's ridiculous and so far past unhealthy it's not even funny. It's for her, not for me."

He smiled. "I'm really sorry I didn't understand that before."

I felt a large chunk of the wedge between us fall away. I leaned in and kissed him. "I forgive you. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to explain it."

"I forgive you." His arm tightened around me. "It's still a little weird to hear you call me a daddy. Can you take it easy on that a little?"

"Yeah. I'll just have to ease you into it a little more. I'm still her mommy, though. And we're still—" I stopped myself. I reached down to pat her side. She was mostly asleep, but she grunted a little and her front paw twitched.

"We're still what?" Jake prodded.

I glanced at him. "I was going to say we're still her family."

He nodded, which confused me. "Yeah, we are."

I felt hope rise in my chest. I tried to squish it before it could hurt me again. "What?"

"I said yes, we are still her family."

My brow furrowed. "But I thought you said we weren't a family."

He shifted to lay on his back, then he tugged my arm to get me to maneuver around Faith and get on top of him. I made sure my hips were on his stomach. He held my waist and kissed my lips. "I was mad, baby. I'm sorry. You and me and Faith, we're a family. Maybe not like Leah and Sam, but we belong together, so fuck whatever anyone else says."

"Really?" I had to make sure.

His hands slid to my back. "Really."

"Thank you."

He smiled and reached down to squeeze my backside. "I love you, baby. I should have learned my lesson already that I can't let shit get between us."

"It wasn't all your fault." I kissed him deeply and inched my hips a little lower. He helped me. It seemed in an instant, my whole body was on fire, and I needed him so badly. He was obviously on the same page. We kicked Faith off the bed and proceeded to strip each other as quickly as possible. Making love with him after a fight always seemed so much more satisfying. He brought me to an orgasm twice before we were through.

We laid in bed for a while, just quietly enjoying being near each other. It felt like it had been so long. We got up a while later and went to get something to eat. We made some sandwiches and took them to the table. Jake started to roll the blueprints up, but I stopped him with my hand over his.

"Could you show me what you were looking at before?" I asked.

He smiled. "You want to see?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He laid them out again and pulled a chair close for me. "All right."

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

I can't believe it's really over . . . I wouldn't be upset if you wanted to leave a few words . . . :)

I'm on Twitter, SheeWolf85.


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